Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, Joey is at the following..

http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/

I will visit Pippa and Kieran too...

Yes! I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're right! Joey drew us together today. And now Michael is home, so I am very content. Thanks so much for your love and compassion. You're in my heart and prayers too. Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

...and Andrew too... Our babies gone too soon...

[julsmom]

Claudia, your story is similar to my story. My husband is in full time ministry. In June 2003 he took what we had hoped to be our "last call". A church in NJ we believed God had called him to. Our son was finishing law school in Ohio & would remain there, and our daughter, Julie, was on Long Island, finishing her masters in teaching. We believed she would stay there for a few years more and perhaps, if she married the man she was seeing, move to PA. Julie died in October 2003.

I am sorry if I added to the political "crap". I didn't mean to. The last thing any of us needs is more garbage in our lives.

We stayed in NJ until August of last year. We have moved to Ohio since our surviving son is here.

May you find peace and comfort, may you not feel like your friends have deserted you, because we know without our friends this journey would be much lonier and may the small steps forward sustain you. Lynda

[mofirefly]

Claudia - I just visited your beautiful memorial for Joey. I'm unable to put into words how it impacted me. Seeing pictures of your son (and you) makes you more a person than just reading the words posted here...which makes the pain you are dealing with so much more real (not quite the word I want). I was thrilled to see he accepted Jesus as his savior - My parents accepted the Lord in 1998...my father was 78 and mom was 70...and now they are both gone. I don't know how I would have handled lossing them if I hadn't known of their acceptance. Again, just wanted to let you know that the memorial is beyond description. Take care!

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I haven’t posted in a while, but have been reading all of your posts and praying for all of us. I’ve been thinking of all of you with angel dates and birthdays, etc., and just struggling to get through the “everydays,” and please know that you are in my thoughts. I’ve had some truly down days, complicated by problems here at home, with my husband being ill and now we find out that his illness is much more serious than we thought at first, and I truly feel as though I am losing my mind with worry.. He is to go for evaluations next week for additional treatment and medication regimen. I truly don’t know what I would do without him by my side, where he’s been for the last 43 years.

My heart is already so broken over losing our son, how could I possibly deal with losing my husband so soon as well? I know that I am “worrying ahead” but it seems like only a few weeks ago that they told us our son had perhaps two years to live, and then poof, he was gone in a blink! He didn’t make it that long, but he did make it past the average of 100 days past day of diagnosis of his brain cancer. Now, my husband is facing a total change in his physical health, and I am so scared of where this will go.

About 3 wks ago, my husband had a dream where he saw our son in the hallway of the hospital (the one where our son received his cancer treatment). My husband called out to him and asked Mike “What are you doing here, Mike?” Mike answered “I’m not ‘there,’ dad, YOU are here.” My husband then asked him “Do you mean I am dead, Mike?” Mike said, “Yes, dad, you are.” My husband asked him then, “What about mom, I don’t want to leave her by herself.” Our son answered “Don’t worry, dad, she will be along in a little bit.” Then, last week, when my husband was in the hospital, our 21-year-old grandson, Davis, called me and he was sobbing SO hard. He told me that he had just woke up from a nap where he had a dream of Mike and his grandfather (my husband) and some other people were there, as well. (At this point, Davis did not know his grandfather was in the hospital—I was going to call him that morning to tell him, but hadn’t done it yet.) He said that it seemed as though Mike was trying to “pick something out” and couldn’t make a decision. He finally decided, and everyone was kind of surprised and said “Are you sure?” He answered yes, and Davis got really upset, but someone else said “He has chosen. It can’t be changed.” Davis started crying because he then saw that what Mike had “chosen” was his grandfather. Davis was SO upset. (His grandfather is the only father he has ever known, and Davis had just lost Mike, who was more like a brother to him than an uncle, because they grew up together in the same house.) All of this has been on my mind so much and I just can’t shake the growing fear that both of those dreams have planted in my head.

My husband has not been responding to the medications they’ve given him so far, and after a few days of feeling a little better, has now returned to the same as when he went into the hospital, and has not gotten any better. He has COPD and this is the worst it has ever been. Losing our son has pretty much destroyed my emotional strength and of course, my heart is in shreds—so this is just so frightening. Please pray for us, and pray for my husband especially, that the doctors will find the right combination of medications for him, to help him get better.

I keep you all in my prayers and thoughts, as we travel on this journey we all never dreamed we would have to take. I am sorry for the lengthy post, but I just had to reach out for support through this awful time. God bless, and peace to all of you.

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[momgran]

(Mikesmomrs) Carol - My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the reality of your dear husband's failing health. Words cannot express the feelings I had while reading your post. I know only too well how losing our children can weaken us and to then have to deal with another crisis and possible loss is too hard to imagine. I can only think that, yet again, it involves living in the moment and taking what precious 'good' moments we have as they come. It's also important not to think too far into the future because that causes anticipatory anxiety which just saps more of our limited energy and forces us to experience pain before it's time. But I can imagine it's difficult not to do this as you have had your love there for the majority of your life. My landlady's husband had a massive heart attack last week and I chatted with her yesterday. He's home now and out of the 'danger' zone but she told me when he came home, he looked up at her and said that he's so grateful to have been given another moment with her and that they have to make the most of all of the 'moments' they have left. Gratitude is a great healer. I pray that you will find strength throughout this and maybe the dreams are a way of 'easing' into what could become a reality and showing you that maybe there is something 'good' and 'peaceful' out there when they leave us.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[momgran]

Claudia - I visited your Joey last night before I went to bed. Seeing that beautiful young man/child and your happy face brought tears to my eyes. Such a good human being and what a loss this planet experienced when he left this earthly plain! He contributed so much love and goodness to all around him and has left a wonderful legacy. I fully understand your pride in this young man and the void that his passing has left in you. I hope the love you still give and receive from your surviving loved ones will sustain you as you travel this long lonely road.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, Julsmom, and Mofirefly; Wow!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I don't even have words that can express how much your posts mean to me. THANK YOU! Love, Claudia

Carol, I sent you an e-mail. I want to call you and will wait for your response. I love you. Hold on, take deep breaths, and as Debbie said, relish the moments without seeking too far ahead. These moments are worth more than a fortune could ever buy and are impossible to relive as vividly as they are lived right now in these precious moments. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, The photo of Pippa and Kieran is one of the most precious pictures I have ever seen and it touched me deeply, as did the stylings of how you recounted your memories and blessings of them and little Andrew. Thanks for sharing your precious heart treasures. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

I dont see here where to begin a post so this is a test. I am new here

[Guest Guest]

So many losses. My son, age 33 died on February 12, 2007 in a car accident. My sister's son, age 32, died in another accident on June 30, 2006. His son died on May 7th, 2004 at the age of 5 in another horrid accident. Then our cousin, aged 34 died in another freak accident. Why so many deaths of our young people? No answers, I know. My sister and I are strong and have many who love us but are ready to check into the funny farm.

[messenger]

DEAR MIKESMOM...................I AM SO VERY SORRY TO READ ALL YOU ARE GOING THRU........................MAYBE THE DREAM IS YOUR HUSBAND MISSING MIKE SO MUCH THAT HE WANTS TO BE WITH HIM.............NOT THAT HE WILL SOON..................LETS PRAY..........THAT IS IT..............I HATE YOU ARE HURTING SO MUCH AND THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT WELL..SUCH STRESS ON YOU ALL..........

PLEASE KNOW I AM HERE FOR YOU AND ALL...................KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS.................LOVE MESSENGER

[momgran]

Dear Guest: My heart goes out to you on the loss of your precious son. I can't imagine how you must feel after the multiple losses in your family in such a short period of time but I'm glad you have your sister and other loved ones to support you on this sad and difficult journey. You've come to the right place! I lost my 29 year old daughter and 4 year old grandson in a car accident on Oct 22, 2006 and I can truthfully say, that despite the fact I have a wonderful son and extended family and friends who've been very supportive, the friends I've made here, who have experienced a similar loss, have been my lifeline on many occassions. You are not alone and you don't need to check into the funny farm. We all feel like we're going crazy at times but take deep breaths, allow the pain to work it's course and let it out! We each grieve in our own way and we have to let people know what we need to get through the day, and be very, very gentle with ourselves. One thing I'm learning is to live life in 'moments' both bad and good, and really absorbing the 'good' moments when they come. I know you're still in deep shock but I know in time, and with work, you will have those 'good' moments.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[kathy714]

Dear Guest,i am so sorry for the loss of your son and all the other people that were so close to you,It is so hard to cope when you loss one love one after another,i loss my mom and my sister in law both who i was very close to,and i thought that was tough,then when i loss my son in Jan,31,2005,that was like no other.This is a very good site to come and let out all your thoughts,everyone here understands the tough road you are on.My heart goes out to you and your sister,you will be in my prayers..T/C Kathy,Nates mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I am so sorry for this overwhelming loss and devastation for you and your sister. My son Joey passed this life on July 31st, and though it's been 7 months now, sometimes it feels raw like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like forever since I last spoke with him and saw his precious smile. I thought I was strong in those early days, and to everyone else around us at the time, we did seem strong. We shed no tears at the memorial. We celebrated Joey's life. I spent hours upon hours creating portrait collages for the memorial, sorting and reminiscing through photos. I went through the motions of closing all of Joey's school and financial affairs, and sorting all of his things for charity and to distribute among family and friends, and the remainder discarded. But then I realized several weeks later that the shock and numbness was wearing away and all that was left was brutal pain that stripped me of my breath and my wits so often. The overwhelming flow of pain after the nubmness passed caught me off guard because I thought, "Hey! I can do this!!" And I am doing this, but it hurts like living hell. My point in saying this is that it has barely been three weeks for you. So don't think yourself insane or less than strong if the wall of shock comes tumbling down and you have moments (and maybe even days) when you feel out of control and lost. It's ironically sad but a blessing at the same time that your sister and you can walk together knowing exactly how the other feels. You can be an awesome support and inspiration for one another. But I imagine you will both have days where you will break down and cry together and share the pain deeply and openly. That wouldn't be weak or crazy... It's just real in a situation where many times it seems like we are in a surreal horrible dream. I admire your strength and courage at 3 weeks. Be kind and gentle with yourself when those crashing waves hit. I'm learning it's a ride that never lets me know when the next wave will hit. But my faith grounds me and I ride it out knowing I will one day see Joey again for an eternity. My heart and prayers are covering you and your sister, and I hope for you both a sea of beautiful memories that carry and wrap you in the love you have for your sons, knowing they wrap you in that same love then, now, and forever. Blessings & Love, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son so

recently, and for all the other sad losses in

your family. I hope you will come to BI whenever

you feel you can. Be very kind to yourself in

these early days of your journey. Everyone here

knows this kind of pain, and are at different

time stages on this sorrowful road. We are all

hoping to help in any small way we can. My prayers

are for you and your family. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[lwuest]

To all of the wonderful people who responded. Thank you so very much. I am the Guest who wrote about so many losses. I truly appreciate that you all wrote back to me. 4everjoeysmom wrote about being strong. Everyone who meets my sister and me, even before we lost our sons, marveled about our strength. We come from a tight knit family, who supports our family in everything we do. As large as our extended family is, I truly don't remember a time when we weren't there for each other. It's just that sometimes, strong, can be an expectation that we simply can't live up to. Not from our family, but from others who expect us to be strong. This has not all "sunk in" yet. I suspect that it is going to get much worse before it gets better.

You mentioned that my sister can be support for each other. Yes, I think that is true and we will be. Dear God, when I look into her eyes it mirrors the grief that I feel. Somehow I know that we must support each other, but not drown each other in our sorrow. Our boys were both so full of life, they would not want us to be miserable old ladies!

I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, I'm not sure how all of that will work out. I'm in the sales profession, where meeting quota is king. Truly, I don't care about any of it. How did you all cope with going back to work?

Thank you all for your caring and support. I am so sorry to have met you all here and am profoundly sorry for your losses, too.

Linda

[mikesmomrs]

Debbie, Claudia, Messenger, and all of you who have emailed me personally, and those of you who have just quietly kept us in your prayers and thoughts, as I know sometimes that is all we can do, thank you all so very much for the support offered to me during this terribly hard time of dealing with and accepting the problems with my husband's health. You are all truly wonderful women, and your reaching out to me has meant so much. His appointments for evaluations/treatment, etc., are coming up this week and I will keep you all posted. Meantime, as you said, we are trying to relish these moments, these times of being together, still consoling each other over the terrible loss of our sweet son, while we try to deal with this new package of pain that has been delivered to us. God will be with us, we know, and we pray that we will continue to see that and rely on that. Last year, when I was down with my back for 12 weeks, barely able to move, my husband was there for me, taking care of me and seeing to my every need, being so strong for me, and I now must be strong for him and I pray God for the strength to do so and to help my husband live his life to the fullest each and every day.

Meantime, please, all of you who are new here-- and I wish so much that we never had to meet you under these sad circumstances--please know that you have come to a comforting, loving place, where you will be wrapped in a cloak of support and kindness, and you will come to be the same source of support and kindness to others, as well. I am so sorry for your losses, Linda, and also for your sister's. Please know that you will all be in my prayers and thoughts. I pray for peaceful moments for all of us.

love to all, CAROL MIKESMOMRS

[ericasmom]

Dear Carol,

I am praying as I type that your husband will be well again. His dream and your grandson's dream are letting you all know that your son is there for you, and he will be there for your husband whenever that time comes. I know that you must feel frightened, but we all have lived through the ultimate sadness, and somehow you will walk through this as well. We just can't know what will happen next, if we did, we may not put forth the effort that allows us the moments of joy.

Dear Linda, your son's leaving is quite fresh and so my prayers for you and for your whole family as they gather again to support each other in sadness. Why indeed do so many tragedies befall one family in such a short time? once again, we simply do not get to know. One thing sure, when your sweet Son died, there were many helping him cross over.

I agree about shock, it is a double edged gift, protecting you when you first have to deal with the horror, and then as it falls away, you are faced with a pain unlike any other. My girl, Erica, died 3.5 years ago when she was struck by a train while driving,(broken crossing light), she was 19 years old. The shock was how I got through the first 4 weeks, actually the shock didn't make gave me time to deal with all the loose ends, closing out her accounts, cleaning out her room at the house where she lived with her brother and friends, figuring out her insurance and what not,,,and I teach school and her accident happened in July and I was off work anyway. I am a daily walker and after ERi's death I continued with this, took many long walks because I know grief can knock you on your ass and I knew I needed to stay healthy.I took care of myself by drinking enough water, taking my vitamins, eating and sleeping when possible and writing daily in a journal and crying whenever i needed, no matter where I was.

When it was time to start schoolagain, I did, unsure if I could but it was a good thing, not easy but good to be with kids, to nurture still. I talked to my students about Eri, knowing that they heard about the teacher whose child died, and they asked me questions which was good so that they knew they did not have to walk on eggshells. I made sure that I could talk about her with some family members and friends whenever I needed, and I made it clear to myfriends that I will need them to speak of her, to mention her in stories, I need to hear her name, I told them that she cannot stop existing in stories and memories just cause they are afraid it will make me sad. So many people cannot handle our sadness and so in order to protect both us and themselves, they stop letting our children be a part of our present world. So stick with people that allow you time to talk about your boy, he will always be apart of your world.

Speak to your boss about taking it slow and do be aware that counseling is a great tool to help you get through the hardest of times. I called a tehrapist at around the 3 month mark, this is when so much of the shock fell away for me, and i felt raw, she helped me greatly, to put my thoughts and fears out on the table and face them. Our lives have changed, but we will always be the moms and dads of those wonderful kids that happened to leave early.

My heart and prayers for you now and each day.

Dee

[momgran]

Hello friends. I've had a pretty rough week. I missed quite a bit of work last week but I'm back today and it's truly a 'moment' to 'moment' effort not to flee and go back to my little nest with all my memories of my daughter and grandson.

I mentioned last week that I'd had a relatively calm and 'good' couple of weeks and that the deep dark fog had lifted. I realise now that that fog was like a security blanket and now that's it's gone the pain I'm feeling is the most intense I've felt throughtout my journey so far. As I said to my sister a few days ago, I feel as a mother would feel if she hasn't heard from her daughter in 4 months. And, of course, I haven't heard their voices in more than four months now, and the stark reality that I never will is hitting home hard now. I actually wrote a heartfelt email to them the other day. Of course, it was returned, undeliverable! But it was cathartic. I need to tell them so many things. How I miss them and how proud I am of them and how they'll be in my heart and soul until I take my last breath which I sometimes feel is pretty close at hand, the heartache can be so devastating at times! I do know that this moment, this pain will ease in time, but while it's here with me nothing else in the world seems to matter.

Linda...as far as work goes, I have a wonderfully understanding boss and he has allowed me to come and go as I need to. Financially it's been a little rough for me because I've missed so much work but I'm really needing the diversion now so I'm going to make an effort to complete my full time hours from here on in. I hope you can find what works for you and your boss because everyone is different as far as how we cope at work. Some people need it right from the beginning and others can't hack it until some time later....weeks or months. I started back after three weeks but found I needed a couple of months to recover and since I've returned I've missed quite a bit of time...easing back into it. I've only completed a full week once in the last four months so I'm hoping from today that I can continue full time..Whatever works for you, Linda.

My heart is with you all in your travels on this sad road. It does help so to come here and share with you all. How difficult it is to 'redifine' myself without my precious girl and her darling boy in my life. Thank God for my son. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those who have no child here to be 'Mom' or 'Dad' to. I know we're Moms and Dads to our absent children til the day we die but it is nice to hear the word 'Mom' spoken from time to time, just to make us feel we still have that designation in this life. I do miss being called 'Grandma' though, coming from that precious sweet mouth. I was so proud of that role.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Momgran,

I know how you must be aching, and I recognize the sharpness of pain as that is the time period that struck me so hard, beginning at around 3.5 months, when all of the shock started to leave me raw adn open. I could not in amillion years explain how it felt each day to go through the motions of life. But somehow it is 3.5 years later and I laugh and enjoy people and activities again and so will you, but it will be a while. In the meantime, go outside and get some sun on you and eat healthy foods, be good to yourself. If reading about other people's ways to cope, read books but if escape is better, read fiction, there are so many ways to receive what we need at these horrid times. leave yourself open to it. Cry when you need to, holding it back only puts it on delay, letting it out when you feel it is better for your soul.

My heart to you dear,

keep posting and hold hope in your heart each and every day.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

MOMGRAN: My heart also goes out to you, and you are in my prayers for some peace and comfort to come your way during these really hard times. I can truly identify with what you are feeling, as can everyone here, and we know how deep and dark that road is when you are feeling as though everything just happened and wondering how you are ever going to get through this day and start another.

I feel guilty when I feel this way, because I know that our son wants us to live life fully, and he even told us before he left, "Please, don't stop living because I am no longer here. Please don't throw life away like that." But, I hope he understands that it is going to take some time before I can live again...I just have no idea how long.

Peaceful thoughts to you tonight, and to all.

CAROL MIKESMOMRS

[daveydow1]

Lwuest, Linda

I hope that returning to work will help you in

some ways. I returned to work 3 wks. after my

son, David--age 31 was killed in a highway crash

(6/14/03). I was being pressured to come back by

the big boss--not my immediate supervisor-(who had

just lost her father 3 wks. before my son's death).

For me, it was just too soon. My job at the library

required being a "people person" and I had to hold

all my grief in for 8 hrs. It turned out to be too

much to deal with that soon. I retired a yr. earlier

than I had planned. I believe each person has to

judge for themselves whether or not it works for them

(returning to work). I wish you the best in whatever

you decide. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Momgran,

I'm sorry you have been having a rough time of it.

This is such a hard long road we have to walk. I do

hope you are feeling a bit better. My prayers are

with you. Peace & tranquility to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[karenb]

I have not been here in quite a few days, and I wanted to say something about a very nice gesture, made by my son Jason's best friend Matt. Jason will have been gone from us 2 years in June. Matt asked my husband to stand in for Jason and be his best man at his wedding. It is extremely nice and comforting to know that Jason has not been forgotten by his friends. My husband Ray said that it will be an honor to serve as best man. I know that the wedding will be extremely difficut for us to attend and for Ray to participate in but what a way for Jason to be remembered. Very touching to our family. My daughter Jennifer is not ready to be married, but we have discussed that when the time comes, maybe she could have some of her brothers friends there to stand in for him. What are your thoughts on this?

Karen

[messenger]

DEAR KARENB...................I THINK IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF MATT TO ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO STAND IN AS HIS BEST MAN..........YOU KNOW JASON WOULD APPROVE AND HE WILL BE THERE............WATCHING ALL OF YOU...............OUR SON DIED JUNE OF 05 ALSO..HIS BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED THIS SAT..........WILL BE BITTERSWEET..AS I KNOW..HE WOULD HAVE WANTED OUR SON FOR A BEST MAN.................I KNOW OUR SON...WILL BE THERE SO I KINDA KNOW WHAT YOU WILL BE GOING THRU THAT DAY.....I THINK YOUR DAUGHTER HAVING SOME OF HIS FRIENDS STANDING IN FOR HIM...WOULD BE AN HONOR FOR THEM....WHEN HER TIME COMES...

SENDING YOU STRENGTH AND COMFORT AND PEACE

MESSENGER

[4everjoeysmom]

I remember one mother posted on here some months ago that when her son was married, since his brother had passed and couldn't be best man, the brother wore a T-Shirt with his bro's picture on it and underneath it said "BEST MAN". I think it was a casual wedding, but isn't that a neat idea? Even under a tuxedo a shirt like such could be worn for comfort on that special day in addition to inviting an alternate to be best man. I just remember how hearing about that touched me so deeply, because my own son Patrick has made the comment that he is saddened by friends around him getting married because Joey will not be here for his wedding to stand up as best man. It just breaks my heart...

Debbie, I hope today and the coming days are gentler and kinder. Do I ever know what you feel... God bless you dear friend. Love, Claudia

[momgran]

Ericasmom - Dee: Thank you so much for your helpful, thoughtful words! I can't tell you how it helps to know, that after 3 1/2 years you can actually be 'happy' and 'normal' again. I appreciate that we never 'get over' the loss of our darlings but it is good to know that life can feel 'worth living' at some point in this awful journey. I have wept buckets of tears, so much so my mouth has a permanent salty taste! I even went into the garden a couple of nights ago and viciously kicked away at a snow bank! The boot marks are still there to remind me of that outburst. I received a beautiful email from my sister today and knowing my loved ones, and all of you are here, are an email away, will carry me through this, somehow.

My heartfelt thoughts are with you, too, Dee.

Debbie

Mikesmomrs - Carol: Thank you for your loving thoughts and words. Your story about Mike telling you to 'not stop living' reminds me of a scene in the TV Movie, Flight 93. I saw this movie well before our tragedy, but I'll never forget the scene where the daughter, on the plane, calls her Mom on her cellphone and the mother is speaking with her daughter during her last moments of life. The daughter told her Mom that 'this will be far more difficult for you than me'. As in this heartbreaking scene, what caring thoughts and words your dear son left you with. I know Pippa would have said the same thing had she been given the opportunity. And I'm sure they would allow us this time of mourning, and hold our hands and hearts as we move forward.

Thanks again and my thoughts are with you, too, Carol.

Debbie

Daveysmom- Sherry: Thanks for your loving thoughts and words. They truly do help. I think we've had a similar experience with the 'work' thing. It takes a lot of focus to be able to do our jobs and a lot of emotional control to deal with our colleagues, customers, etc and that's something that's really difficult during our worst crises ever! All I've wanted to do was 'be with' my babies!

My thoughts are with you, too, Sherry.

Debbie

Karen: What a lovely gesture! It must make you so proud to know Jason left behind friends who still carry him close to their hearts. I'm sure this gives your husband the opportunity of feeling that he is 'representing' his son, as well. I think whatever your daughter feels would be right when her time comes to marry would be fine. Maybe it would be best for her to make that decision when she's ready to marry.

My thoughts are with you during this bitter, sweet time, Karen.

Debbie

Claudia: Thank you again for your kind, loving words. Today I almost feel like a toddler who's getting over a tantrum! That 'spent' feeling....as though I've been lying on my back, thrashing about with my arms and legs screaming 'NO" NO"NO"! I am feeling a little better now, thank you. I hope you have had better days since Michael returned. How sad that Patrick won't have his brother by his side, physically, when he marries one day. Our absent babies leave such enormous gaps in our lives, but they also leave a huge monument of love in our hearts. Isn't it wonderful when our childrens' friends show their love and remembrances. It helps us remember that they've touched so many lives with their love and they will NEVER be forgotten.

My thoughts are with you, too, Claudia.

Love

Debbie

Linda: It's difficult to know what being strong means really. It seems to mean different things to different people. I think if you can survive one day without the men in their white coats coming for you as you experience this crushing grief and loss, you are stronger than most!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

.

[erinnzmom]

Hi,

I\'m Laurie and I\'ve been on this board and Louise\'s board and I\'ve read a lot of your discussions. I\'ll tell you one thing that frustrates me about this board is that I\'ve had two people contact me to be their buddy and I\'ve contacted them..and my outlook doesn\'t work...and as most of you know or at least it is true for me ..I don\'t have much patience since I lost my daughter with little things that go wrong..I\'ve tried several times to fix it with no success..so today I tried to respond to Susan Rnee\'s mom I used my computer at work and logged on through my hotmail account where I recieved the find a buddy contact and it took me to the site where I have to contact the person who wants to reach out to me..I just logged in..and it still said that I have not sent any emails...it is sooo frustrating..I have contacted the powers that be here at BI and even they have no way of contacting them...so if you are out there ..Susan Mom of Rnee. my email address is babynurse33@msn.com I\'d be glad to be your buddy but i have no way of contacting you.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[karenb]

Tomorrow my daughter Jennifer if having her tonsils removed. I know that this may be a minor surgery, but I am very anxious about it. I think with the loss of Jason, anything with Jen is a overaction on our part. Just want to ask you all to say a prayer for us.....

Love you all

'round in a circle

Karen

[julsmom]

Karen, after the loss of a child, nothing concerning our loved ones is "minor". You and your daughter Jen will be in my prayers today. Peace, Lynda

[snowday]

Hi everyone, I haven't been here in quite some time. I have been just trying to go on, to move forward. But, life is difficult when you always feel a 'loss feeling'. My son will be gone one year tomorrow. I reached for a mug in the cupboard yesterday and it just hit me, 'ok, enough, just come home now Brendan!' Like he would just come back now. I know he is gone, but somewhere inside me, I just want him back here. Thanks for listening. My heart is with all of you too, in your feelings of loss! Debbie, forever Brendan's mom!

[danielsmom]

Hi Debbie

It will be two years on April 17th that Daniel died and even know I still find myself saying "Okay its been long enough,let him come home now. I guess this feeling never goes away.

Take care

Daniels mom forever

Wendy

[4everjoeysmom]

It has been little more than 7 months for me without Joey, and it still feels like yesterday the he went away and like forever since I last saw him... the feeling will never go away... How I miss my son... I pray every day that God guide me in His strength to face another day without him. It's such a lonely feeling...

Brendan's Mom, I am praying the Lord lift you in love and light as you face one year without your sweet son. And Daniel's Mom, for you as well, each day as it comes closer to 2 years... my heart is full of sorrow for all of us that share this pain.

God, please hold us gently and lovingly in our pain, and care for our babies until we meet agin. Amen.

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, This is Joyce my son Darryl was killed on a motorcycle in Aug 06. I just want you all to know you have saved my life. I don't post much but I read everyday. Some days are worse than others, some days I wake up crying. This is really a long road to travel. And I'm so sorry we are traveling the same way. I pray for you all & your lost babies. My son b-day is Mar 27th he would of been 42. I am planning a trip to Vegas on his b-day. Hope I can keep my mind busy. Well I just wanted to let you know I am so Thankful for you all and to know I am not going crazy. God bless you. And we know The Loving Lord has His arms wrapped around our beautiful children. Thank You Darryls mom

[kathy714]

Dear Darrylsmom,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,my heart goes out to you and your family,BI has saved my life also,you will find everyone here is so understanding,we all have traveled down this long and lonesome road...Also take that trip in the memory of your son darryl,it can only do u good...T/c Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ashleysmom]

Debbie, My heart is with you today, your son's one year "angel date", the day the angels took him home. May you have peace in the memories you have.

Karen, I understand your anxiety. As Lynda said, nothing is minor after such a devastating loss. My daughter was pregnant last year and I worried the full nine months, then she had to have a c-section and I was panicked! All was well but I still worried.

To all.....peace today, Love, Dottie

[mikesmomrs]

Debbie: You are in my thoughts and prayers today, as you live through your son Brendan's angel date 1st anniversary. We are coming up next month on our Mike's 6 month, and I just can't imagine how you are feeling--the anticipation of the six month is ripping my heart apart--even more so than the usual every day sorrow we go through! I pray for at least one peaceful moment for you today, and for that peaceful moment to last as long as possible.

Karen: I hope your precious Jennifer is on the mend, and I am sure I would be as concerned as you are when anything threatens her, whether minor or not! Our love to you, and praying for you.

To all: My thoughts are with you and you are in my prayers every day. This is a "club" that never should have to exist, but I am glad that we CAN be here for each other, and support each other, and I think we all save each other's life, many times, as DARRYLSMOM, Joyce, said. It truly does help, even if all we can do on a particular day is read, as we sometimes can only crawl our way through this awful pain of missing our loved ones.

I can remember when my children were small, and the time came for them to start school, etc., and through the PTA meetings, and Girl Scout cookie sales, soccer games, etc., we all come to be known only as "Mike's mom" or "Susie's mom" or whoever, and we joked about how we would like to be known as something other than someone's mom, we wanted our own identity, etc. How trivial that now sounds--to be Mike's mom, or Kim's mom, or Cathi's mom, is an honor I will never take for granted again, or plea to opt out of that title and have my own name again. I will forever wish to be known as Mikesmom, and Kimsmom, and Cathismom. We find out eventually, whether we lose our child or not, that our children ARE our identity, and our grandchildren, and the neighbor's children, and guess what, that is not such a bad identity after all, is it? We learn that this is an honor above all others, including our own name. and being MIKESMOM, KIMSMOM AND CATHISMOM is something I will always be.

peace to all of you today, whether for a moment or an hour, whatever we can grab onto.

MIKESMOM, KIMSMOM, CATHISMOM, and DAVIS'SNANA, CHANDLERSNANA, KAMERONSNANA, DAMONSNANA, BEKAHSNANA, RACHELSNANA, AND JAMIESNANA,and sometimes, even if only by Ralph (hubby), Carol, but even then it's usually "mom."

[momgran]

Debbie: My heart goes out to you as memories of that sad day that you lost Brendan seep into your heart and soul. I pray that you will have some moments of peace with your surviving loved ones around you. I know on our children's birthdays we remember every detail of that joyous occasion but I'm sure on the anniversary of the day we lost them, memories of our shock and pain must return in contrast to that.

To all my friends here I'm sorry I cannot do a longer post as I'm at work but I read all your words and they are like little threads of strength that keep me from sinking into the abyss! My heart is with you all throughout each moment of each day of our journey as 'Bereaved Moms and Dads'!

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[karenb]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Jennifer came through the surgery just fine. Her throat is quite sore, but managing great. I do not know what I would do if I could not come here and just talk. It feels beter just getting it out.

Debbie I know the feeling of just wanting your child to just come home. I think that when you lose an adult child you have the feeling that they are at work, or at their homes, and it is like they a away. I know that is how is it with me.

My son Jason always said Love you 'round in a circle. That means that his love contined on and on and never stopped. I tend to use that phrase for lots of things. It makes me feel closer to him.

So I wont you all to know that "I love you all 'round in a circle" With you all listening and understanding what I am going through makes it a little easier to function.

How do you all handle when someone is talking about their own children and it brings up memories you your child? Do you add to the conversation and talk about your child, or do you keep quiet? I know sometimes I feel like the people I am talking to are uncomfortable. Though I was talking to our secretary here at school the other day, about how I felt that some people were uncomfortable. She told me that I made it earier for her because I was not afraid to talk about Jason. And when I talked about him, that made her feel like she could also. That is one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.

My love to you all

KarenB

[kathy714]

Dear Brendan's mom,Debbie,I am sorry i missed your son's angel date,i hope you were able to have some peace in the memories you shared, I remember the anxiety i had leading up to Nathans first year anniversary,now it has been 2 years,and i still can't believe he is gone,and i still say ok Nate you can come back anytime now!...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[rhonda68]

Hello Kathy and everyone I too just want my son to come home. It was 2 years Feb 23. I am missing him so much. I am having a very hard time, I am exhausted and sick of feeling like this. Everday about 5pm I am just done for I am so tired. Then about 8pm I start crying and I cry uncontrolably. I don't know whats wrong with me. Everynight I pray really hard that I will die in my sleep, I just want some peace! Does anyone else feel like this?

I am also so sorry to all, but so weak to try and help right now.

Rhonda

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhinda, I am so very sorry that you are feeling so deeply in despair. I find moments when I sink into my Self that I feel much like you describe. I am thankful those moments are fewer than they were in the beginning. I know it may sound silly to some or even many, but the only way I can climb out of Self pity and despair is to turn my thoughts and focus from my Self and place my energy into the things of God--what God wants of me, my purpose for existence. It is then and only there where I truly find peace. I read Scripture and daily devotionals, visit web site for inspiration and encouragement, look for ways to serve others--even if it's just my husband, as we spend much time together in our ministry work, and I write as often as I get the urge. I find when I am doing nothing much or just sitting around and thinking about what I have endured, I begin to feel that trap building its way up. I wish I could offer something tangible to help... truly it's my faith that has kept me from going off the deep end. I will be praying for you... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhonda, I'm sorry for the fat finger typos. Blessings, Claudia

[philipsmom]

Rhonda, I am so sorry you are feeling so down. Have you found anything in the past two years that helps at all? I am coming up on the one year anniversay (March 24) and through this past awful year I have had times when I felt like I would be OK. When I am feeling devastated I try to remember what it was that helped me in the past. When Philip first passed away I read a LOT of books which helped. I also started walking daily (at first just to pass the time because I felt like doing nothing else but now it seems to help me clear my head). Anything you can go back to that has helped you? You joined Compassionate Friends, right? Can you call anyone that you have met there? The other thing that has helped me is emailing one of the members here and even meeting her. Just to talk one on one to other parents who know our pain seems to help. Please keep trying to find something that will help you.

Claudia, you never cease to amaze me. Thank you for the emails you continue to send. I haven't had a lot of time to email but will write you soon. You are an inspiration to all of us here.

Last week my husband went to the Dr. for a bad cough (which he caught from me!) and they told him he was close to getting pneumonia. The next day they called and told him he had Conjestvie Heart Failure. I thought I was going to lose it right there and then. My son hasn't been gone a year yet and I am going to have to handle another major problem and possible loss. I honestly didn't think I could do it. Well, it turned out that the technician read the chest xrays incorrectly and my husband does not have CHF but that scare definitely put a perspective in my life. As much as I miss Philip, I don't want to end up missing out on life with my husband and two daughters because I am constantly sad and not enjoying them. This is easier said than done, but I keep trying.

God bless you all. This site has been a tremendous help to me this past year.

Love,

Nancy, Philip's mom forever

[Guest Guest]

Hi My Name is Pam,ive been here before but its been awhile back actually its been a long time, then a friend refreshed my memory and i was like yea I liked that sight,Let me tell you a little bit what brought be here in the first place, In april 6th 2003 I lost my son Jason he was 24 when he was killed in an auto accident, Jason wasnt just my son he was my best friend, He would make you smile even when it was your worse day, his first year in heaven we had him a party ( yea party) his friend and family got together and we let off ballons and on top of the hill where he is buried we bad a huge cross out of paper sacks and candles and lite themm then on his birthday we had cake and some of his favorite stuff this time his friends came and just close family.When and if his brother ever gets married,we have decided too have a candle lite with his picture close by and a poem I wrote, and someone will say something in honer for Jason, his 4th year in heave is coming up. where not sure what we are gonna do . but itll be in honor of Jason no doubt thank you for letting me share this with you

[4everjoeysmom]

Nancy, Thanks for your encouragement too! I enjoy hearing about Philip and little Willy. I think of you often, and add a little prayer when I do. What a shocker th x-ray tech brough tto your door. I'm so glad they made a mistake. It does really shake a new perspective, doesn't it? Hang in there. I know you are doing the best you can. ((HUGS))

Hi Pam, I'm so sorry you lost your precious son and best friend, Jason. My son Joey died last July, one week before his 24th birthday, and I just still can't belive it sometimes. I think it's great that you have been able to "celebrate" Jason's life in the ways you described. I hope I can find joy on those days in rememberence of Joey's life. He had such a zest for life. I miss him so much. I'm glad you found your way back here, and I look forward to getting to know you better along the journey. Blessings, Claudia

[Guest Guest]

Claudia

Im sure youll find some way too calabrate joeys Life in heaven, I call it life cause thats the only way ive been able too move on, meaning he is still living just not here on earth, but his spirit is, and thank you so much for the welcome back, I needed something, If you dont mind me asking how did joey pass away . love Pam

[4everjoeysmom]

Pam, Joey made a very unwise choice to go out with some derelicts he had met over the summer at a neighborhood bar he liked to go to on the weekends and sometimes after work. He had been playing in some kind of horse shoe tournament, and Joey was always where the action was. He was with his dad over the summer, working at the family horse ranch and there just isn't much else going on in a rural community. Most of the friends all grown up that used to go fishing and such, so he wound up frequenting this little bar over the summer with his uncle who likes to drink a good bit. Joey rode out to another little town bar with this group, and after having enough to drink the gang wasn't ready to leave. So about midnight Joey set out on foot to walk several miles home along the rural train tracks. He was struck and killed by a freight train. I imagine he probably never knew what was coming, as he was pretty intoxicated. And I am relieved that there was no lingering and suffering. The sad thing was that the last act of his life didn't reflect his life at all in an honorable way. He was an honor's level student at the state college, and he had such high hopes and dream. He was preparing to go back the following week to enroll and pick up the keys to his new apartment that he was so excited about. He was going to be rooming with a really good friend of his for the coming year, and it's all he talked about--getting back to school and graduating so that he could move on to grad school. It really was a shame that it all ended in such a horrendous fleeting moment of a carefree summer of hanging out with the wrong people, and life goes on for the group he was with that night--though not much of a life for them outside of working and drinking it seems...

I too believe Joey is fully alive in Heaven, and I will see him again one day. he received Jesus when he was 21. But it's so hard without him here--so loudly silent, if you know what I mean. He was always creating some kind of noise to make us pay attention. He was just funny and full of life. We're grateful to be able to often laugh about some zany joey-isms (a certain way he would say or do something.) It's those memories and the millions more of him growing up and achieving dreams that keep me humble and happy that I had 24 years with him rather than none at all.

Thanks for asking. I sure so miss him... What do you do now? Do you have just one other son? I have Patrick, who is 23. He is on his own and doing really well. Just bought his first house. I'm so proud of him. I know he struggles from time to time, missing those moments that he would be sharing with Joey. But for the most part, we're all feeling encouraged daily by the love we have for Joey, the blessings the Lord puts in front of us, and knowing we will all be united again some day for eternity. I suppose that's all we can do, one foot in front of the other. My husband and I are missionaries in Ecuador now. That keep me busy and fulfilled a good part of the time, but I miss my family and especially Patrick. Hope to visit in the fall. Until then we do the routine e-mails, phone calls and internet chat with camera, so it's the next best thing to being there.

Hoping you are finding what you need...Though I'm sad for all of us having to be here, I'm glad you're here again with us. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[pammomofjason]

Im so sorry joey had the die such a troubling death, im just sorry he had the die a young age. it doesnt seem fair. he sounded like a wonderful person, im sure him and Jason are looking down upon us, yes I have one other son his name is Justin he just turned the big 27, He takes care of his father who is in his 60s and had diabeties, I worry about justin being so young and having such big responsabiltys, his father and i divorcee in 87, I know he misses his brother alot, even though he hardly talks about him.I see all the children that have passed away, and i just cant get over it, it seems like so meany are dieing a young age anymore.will i need too fix supper, if ever you need someone too talk too im here