Loss of an Adult Child

[kmb22]

Stephanie...Stephanie...Stephanie....Happy Heavenly Birthday! I'm sure all of our precious angels are throwing a big party in your honor. Make sure to have a dance with my boy today...I've asked him to give you a special hug from all of us.

Susannah - My friend...My sister...My heart and thoughts are with you and all of your family today. May Stephanie's love wrap herself around you and each of her precious children, Jasmine, Jonathon, Mariah....and please give them all an extra hug for me. {{HUGS}}

[ericasmom]

STEPHANIE a shout out to you Sweetie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Pretty Woman. Smile on your Family, kiss them the best ways Angels can. Swoop in and make your presence known.

[kmb22]

Carol - That's so awesome! I'm sure Mike's smile is beaming brightly...what and incredible tribute. Tell Ralph Yahooooo for me.

Rhonda - I hope the river stays within its banks and you stay safe. I'm glad to hear CJ is out and do hope this experience has taught him to make better choices for his future; I know we're all rooting for him. You are so sweet to make him up an Easter basket; I'm sure he'll love it.

Sherry - Your quilt is absolutely beautiful, what an amazing talent you have. Forgive me if you mentioned this already but how long has this taken you?

Tony - I couldn't come close to how beautifully Dee has said it but what a wonderful tribute to be building a park in Brendan's honor.

I've got to run for now but love to everyone...and may there be at least small moments of peace in your day.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Stephanie!

[hotrod]

Dear Beautiful Stephanie

In our Hearts Today and Every Day

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[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

I watched the most amazing program on OWN network last night. It was about a Mother that lost her son on prom night. The driver was drunk - hit a tree and the passenger died - the driver lived. The driver was sentenced to 4 years in prison.

The Mother (after 7 years) went and talked to the girl - Kelly. The Mother needed to forgive and release the anger that had consumer her in order to move on in her life. Took her 7 years to come to that conclusion.

When the two met - tears were on both sides. The Mother showed Kelly pictures of her son----including one of him in his casket. The Mother told Kelly how she hated Kelly for a long time. Hated the name and how Kelly had consumed her life for 7 years. They talked and the Mother stood up and asked for a hug from Kelly. When the Mother was hugging Kelly, the Mother said "I forgive you."

You could see the weight of the world lifted off Kelly's shoulders. You could also see the smile and life come back to the Mothers eyes. I was crying through the whole show.

That show spoke to me. That show proved to me that I must continue on the path of forgiveness - but the process is so slow. The process is like every other grief process - two steps forward, one step back. No other family members would take part in this meeting.

There was such a difference in the Mother after she met with the girl (now 25).

I want that new life. I want a life without anger and hate. I want to stop thinking of Mike and how he is living and Brian is dead. I WANT THAT.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Stephanie,

Stephanie,

Stephanie,

Stephanie

Wishing you a happy belly button day.

Give Mom and Dad a butterfly kiss today.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Tony said: Currently we are working on the Brendan's Memorial Playground. We are building a $75,000 playground at one of our parks in Brendan's name. It is going to be amazing and helps me to keep going.

WOW Tony, I want to tell you how much you have improved since you first started to post. This improvement is hard to see in ourselves, because (at home or in the car) we cry alot--we still break down and we still have guilt.

But just being able to think enought to organize this is a major step forward.

Give yourself a huge pat on the back. You deserve it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal Rogerson]

Good morning All!

Colleen: I watched the same program and wanted to immediately get up and post on here after it was over, but was to exhausted to do so. I cried through the whole program too. Kept thinking about what I would say if I had the chance to the person who took my daughter. I carried hate with me for a very long time. I don't believe that it is my place to forgive. If I could only know that this person was FINALLY remorseful. I think it would do wonders in the healing process if he would just say the simple (but meaningful) words..."I'm sorry". Everything I wanted to post about the program has escaped me (should have posted last night while it was all fresh in my mind).

To all Indigo's- I hope you find peace today in something you are doing. Thinking of you all- ALWAYS!

Love & Light-

Crystal-Meg's mom

[Brendan's Daddy]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Stephanie!!!

Colleen

Forgiveness is something that I think about every day. The neighbor that killed my son was my parents friends for over 30 years. I have known him my entire life and Brendan treated him like an uncle. I truly believe that for me to heal that I will need to forgive him one day. After less than five months I am just not there yet. I know it was a accident and I know how terrible he feels, but his mistake has taken my Brendan. His carelessness took our beautiful son from us and ended so many hopes and dreams. I do believe that Brendan is looking down hoping that one day we will forgive Jeff. I do believe that one day we might, but not today. Even if we are able to forgive one day I know we will still need to move from our current home. Forgiveness is a tough thing when you have lost something that you loved so very much.

Wooo Hoooo! That is my first wooo hoooo in quite a while. I was able to work a 12.5 hour day yesterday. I made it through all 7 coaches league meetings and I actually had an ok day. I haven't had an ok day in weeks. Maybe the medication is actually starting to work. Honestly I think it is this forum that is helping me get stronger. I know I can come here and express my thoughts and feelings and I know that you all understand. I read your posts and can relate to what you are saying. Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend of mine. He lost his son 8 years ago and struggled badly for 3 years. He was very blunt with me last night and basically told me that I can miss Brendan and I can love Brendan every single day for the rest of my life, but I need to live my life while doing those things. I guess I really listened to that comment. I haven't smiled or laughed much at all in the past 5 months. I want to laugh and smile again without feeling guilty. I want to learn to live again while still loving Brendan with all my heart and missing him so much. I hope all of you get some peace today. ITS ACTUALLY SUNNY IN WISCONSIN TODAY!!

Brendan daddy loves you. Forever and always. I miss you son. I miss my best buddy. We will always be best buddies.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[Guest msnher]

Thank you all for remembering my Stephanie.

This year is so different from last year. Last year I posted pictures and stories about her. I sobbed and sobbed. At the time I thought the pain was worse than the actual day she died. This year I feel different. I haven't identified my emotions, yet.

Peace and love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Happy birthday to you Stephanie! I hope that your family can feel your touch today and every day.

Susannah-Thinking of you especially as you remember that glorious day that you first laid eyes on Stephanie. Hug the kids for me, and give one to yourself too.

Tony-So glad that you had an okay day. You are getting better. It just is so much slower than we want it to be. My FIL has a ranger, kind of like a small truck that you can go in the fields with. He has a tendency to be pretty cavalier about safety, I can see something like an accident involving a little fella happening with him. He was raised when you could drive a truck in the field to pick up hay when you could reach the pedals. We have to be very specific with him regarding letting my granddaughter (2, almost 3) ride in it. Its covered and has seat belts and a seat, but I'm still leery of it. He is only supposed to have her in there with another adult sitting on her other side. I'm really not too crazy about even that arrangement. When my own children were younger, he still had a 4-wheeler, which terrified me. I know forgiveness would be a long time coming for me, don't beat yourself up that you're not there yet.

Carol-That is so great the Mike will be a part of Fenway. I'm re-reading The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon by Stephen King. Most of his stuff is set in your neck of the woods, and when he includes baseball, as he often does, its always the Red Sox. I don't know for sure that Tom Gordon was a real player, but its a good book about a little girl who gets lost in the woods and only has her Walkman (its a few years back) for company and listens to the games.

Have a good day all if you can, we're drying out some but rain may be back tomorrow night. Thinking of all those in the southern states who have lost homes and family members and jobs. And always thinking of you all.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sus Holding you close today as your remember your beautiful daughter. Hope you have another special sign to warm your spirit

Carol what a beautiful tribute to MIKE. That is indeed a special remembrance and oh so touching. Thanks for sharing it here.

Colleen, Tony and all Indigos I agree forgiveness is important. I have sort of redefined the word-"Forgive" to enable me to let go of the rage and anger at the person but still not want to embrace her. I cannot say the words "I forgive you" ---yet

Sherry I did forget to ask how long did your quilt take It is so beautiful and filled with love

Trudi Hope your final went well I am sure you aced it

Dee I know that you are enjoying your vacation and regrouping

All other Indigos I pray that you have a moment in the day that your heart smiles.

[hotrod]

duplicate posting

[charsng1234]

happy heavenly Birthday Stephanie.. Be with your parents today..

[ericasmom]

Carol, nothing better, so cool, Mike must be grinning ear to ear.

Betty, I ma not on any vacation, though it sounds good and finally the weather is agreeable...but no, not on vacation.

Tony, a WHHOOO DAY today too I hope, how wonderful for the connection to an old friend who knows what this is like, and how wonderful that you can see through your tears on some days. Lovely.

[crystalann]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!!!

Your mom is wonderful!Show her your wonderful too!

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I love Stephen King though have not read his stuff in years other than his biography, Stephen King on Writing, which had me in stitches, he is one funny man.

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - I love the quilt!

Tony - I love that you want to build a playground for children in Branden's name.

Rhonda and Dee - I'm a Stephen King fan, too.

Betty - Love the roses and heart!

Carol - Love the tribute to Mike. A great gift to each of you!

Colleen - It is easy for me to talk about forgiveness when it comes to other people's unforgiveness. However, I know how hard it is to let go of some of the wrongs done to us...to those we love. I vacillate between "I hate you" and "I forgive you". Right now I'm at a place of leaving the forgiveness business in God's capable hands because I am incapable by myself.

Karen - Hugs to you!

Oh dear Indigo's; What are these feelings stuck in my throat? I have the urge to find the smallest, darkest place in my closet and hide there. Yet, I have the desire to get up and enjoy this day. We were going to release balloons but the weather (snow, rain and lightening) will prevent that. I've allowed the kids to stay home from school today. We ate cold, hardboiled easter eggs for breakfast. The kids had fun peeling them. I left my shells sitting on my napkin at the table. It was comical to hear Mariah "scold" me to the kids. "I guess Grandma forgot to clean up her mess!" I chuckled as I listened to her nag as she threw away my mess. I didn't ask her to, I would have done it, but she did it. I just smiled at her and told her I adore her. "I adore you, too, Grandma!"

It's hard to be so depressed and sad when I have such beautiful gifts staring back at me.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Saying your beautiful name, and remembering that wonderful day when you joined this side of the veil...please surround your mom and your awesome children with your sweet spirit and help them to hold a wonderful memory of you as they remember you today... Susannah, holding you close dear friend, and sending thoughts of comfort.

STEPHANIE...STEPHANIE...STEPHANIE...

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY...CELEBRATE WITH ALL OF OUR ANGELS.

[shorty16]

The sun is shining in Wisconsin. Write this on your calendar!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello friends. I just wanted to stop on and say hello. I usually come on this board and let everybody know how sad and depressed I am. I had to write today to tell you all that today so far has been my strongest day without my sweet child. It started last night with my phone call from a friend and has actually carried over into today. I have only cried three times so far, but I smiled a few times with Jackson and even made my parents laugh with a joke. I am missing Brendan like crazy and loving him as much as ever, but I am trying to live. I know that is what he would want. I hope I can carry this energy into and through the weekend. I miss my little man so much, but I am determined to smile for him and for my family today. Thank you God for this strength today. Thank you to all of you for giving me some hope for the future. Wishing you all peace today. Time to get back to work. Daddy loves you Brendan. Forever and always.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[Crystal Rogerson]

Angel wing are fluttering for STEPHANIE today. She is soaring and free. BIGHUGS Sus!!!

[shorty16]

Tony

The little tiny bit of light is starting to come through for you. For me, the little tiny light did start around 4.5 to 5 months after Brian's death and has continued to grow ever since.

That does not mean I do not cry - OH I do, but the crying is becoming farther part.

What I have also noticed is that crying is good. It helps to release the pent-up energy and leaves me releaved.

This grief process sucks and none of us want to be here - but here is where we are.

There is nothing like the friendships that are forged in steel on this site. Without this site, I would be a bag of goo somewhere.

Thanks to everyone.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Just had to pop on and say to Colleen that I am glad the sun is shining there today. It was bright and sunny here this morning, so much so we had to keep the front curtains closed, but it has begun to cloud over...that's okay, for now. Just happy we saw the sun when we did and happy that Colleen is seeing some, too.

Sus: your feelings are of course, very understandable. I am sorry they are confusing you, but you are generally very adept at eventually figuring this out...you are very instrospective and when you think out loud about it, your incredible wisdom usually helps all of us. I am so glad that you have those three beautiful gifts from your daughter (and God) to keep you grounded and help you to see the little things that keep us going...you are very good at that, too, by the way. Sending love and strength.

Tony: I am so very happy for your whoo hooo and that you are beginning to feel a sense of connection to how you are feeling and how you are living...those of us here on BI longer already have learned that our children would want us to go on, to live our lives, to be happy, especially with the family that remains with us and are dependent upon us to bring joy to their lives. We have also learned that that is not always possible...there are some days, no matter how much of your grief you've worked through, when the pit opens and you are clinging to the sides to keep from falling in again. Those are the days when the beautiful people here on BI step in and help you to hang on...or help to bring you back to the surface, depending on how much of the pit has claimed us at the time...or even, sometimes, just help to keep you from falling further in. Brendan is smiling happily at you, Tony, his beloved daddy, first of all just because he loves you so very much, and also because he is happy to see that the goodness of life is slowly beginning to reclaim part of your heart. So, please, never hesitate to let us know "how depressed and sad" you are, when you are...we are here to catch you. And it is good, of course, to hear the "whoo hoo's," too!

re: Stephen King: all of my kids have read every one of his books, some over and over again...true enjoyment. The only one I've read is "Thinner..." (really enjoyed it) though I've seen a couple of movies. He definitely entertains. And yes, he is a rabid Red Sox fan, seen sometimes at games, sometimes with his son.

We have Damon here today, and much to his delight, we all went to Pizza hut for lunch...Ralph took an unexpected and unflattering picture of me while I was eating, and said he was going to post it on his FB page. I said "Oh, Damon, Papa thinks he's so funny." Damon grinned and said "I think he's funny too." When we had left the house, we had to make an unexpected u-turn on our street and in the yard next to our house, we saw this...Mike just loves that boy!

[dwsmithrn]

sus....happy heavenly birthday stephanie.......hope the gang is throwing a big party today....

colleen...crystal....and others...i don't know how to rid yourselves of the hate and anger at someone who took your child from you...as i have said before, even though nathan took his life, he was driven to it by a girlfriend who severely mistreated him over and over again...i know there were other issues as well, but this was 90% of it....she also knew he threatened suicide and refused to tell anyone about it until after the fact. WHO DOES THAT? how am i supposed to forgive that? his brother could have gotten to him before it happened....i cry so much, i can't get through this and i don't even want mother's day to be here, and i know i have 3 other children, here. i am still a mother, and still nathan's mother, but i don't feel like a mother right now.....how do you get past that? i am still struggling with this.....

i hate this new life and some days it is just too hard to stay with it....

TONY....i am so proud of you...with all of your struggles, there is a glimmer of hope that 'maybe', i, too can find some light peeking in and maybe i will find a day i can be glad in.....maybe.....so happy for you.....

enjoy the weekend......and thanks for being my new family, as much as we hate to be here, i'm so glad i can talk to you all...

diane....missing my nathan terribly

[lolynbo]

SO CARLEY CAME OVER TO TAN AND BROUGHT BRINLEY...KODY AND I WATCHED HER WHILE MOMMA TANNED, WE SPREAD A BEACH TOWEL BY THE POOL (GRASSY AREA) AND GAVE HER THE SNACKS MOM HAD IN THE BAG...I WAS SITTING THERE HOLDING HER LETTING HER KICK HER LIL FAT FEET IN THE GRASS AND I ASKED KOURTNEY "WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS KOURTNEY?"......I JUST WONDER...AND THEN WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN..

STEPH STEPH STEPH THINKING OF YAL...HUGSSSSSSSSSSSS

[Guest msnher]

Mariah: "Grandma, exactly how much money do you have?"

Grandma: "None. Why?" thinking the question is certainly rude and none of her business.

Mariah: "Well, I have 9 dollars and 764 cents and you can have it if you want it."

Grandma: "Why would I want your money?"

Mariah: "For tomorrow." (The weather isn't allowing us to do the balloons today so we're hoping for tomorrow)

Grandma: "Thank you, Sweetheart, but I have enough for tomorrow."

Mariah: "Well, if you need it I'll give you 2 dollars and my 764 cents."

Lorri - Wow! So, Carley must be on better terms with you now? Too cool.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - I think Ralph's funny, too. I think you're both wonderful.

[daveydow1]

Tony-----It warms my heart to know that you had a better day today-----even after crying. As someome said......the

little points of light start to shine through.....and even though they are not blindingly bright, they are nonetheless

there to take us a little tiny baby step further on this road. You mentioned signs from birds----I, and many others

here, have mentioned that they received signs from birds......things very out of the usual. Susannah had a bird

who flew down under an awning that she was sitting under, and landed on her shoulder......how often does that

happen??? She knew it was a sign from sweet Stephanie. I have quite a few 'bird' signs also. A cardinal sang

very early in the morning for a month after my son, David, died. Crows often give signs, and a snow goose came

up to me at a park.....gazed at me.....then went to the lakeside, and slid easily back into the water, and glided away.

Keep looking for the signs, Tony,......they will come......not necessarily when we will them to, but maybe when we

least expect them. They are the treasures we store away for recall whenever we want to......our treasure, and no

one can take them away from us. Our dear children telling us, from the other realm so near, that they are ok.

The bench and tree donated by your co-workers will be such a nice memorial to sweet Brendan

HAPPY.... HEAVENLY..... BIRTHDAY,.... SWEET STEPHANIE. Send down your smile to warm everyone's hearts.

Betty-----Thanks for your kind words about my quilt. (I'm so LUCKY that I was able to get the pic posted.....no easy

task when it comes to my poor tech skills) It took me about 2 yrs. in all to finish the quilt. Of course, I probably

could have finished it in less time, but put it aside for months sometimes. Each state flower patch is hand quilted..

that is my favorite part to do. All the rest is also hand-quilted. The state flower patches were sewn together by

machine.-----the only machine-sewn part. Never learned to do machine quilting, so I did that by hand also on the

borders.

Trudi----So good that Steven chose to live and honor Mike's memory. He is doing so well with the progress of his

life.......finishing plumbing apprenticeship and buying a home. We lived in our former home (where Davey lived with

us for the last 2 yrs. of his life)....about 4 yrs. before we sold it and moved to a condo. The condo was not too much to

our liking, so we moved here in the country, and we do like it so much better here. My husband is a private person, and

found condo living a bit too 'communal' for his tastes, and loves to be in the midst of nature, so this works well for us.

Thanks for your compliment about my quilt. I'm glad it's finished.......

Rhonda----I'm glad you could see the Tennessee patch with iris. There were quite a few lavender/lilac/purple flowers

for different states, so it goes well with the border. Thanks for kind words.

Carol----Your quilt with pics of Mike, Sarah, and boys sounds like it will be very nice. I , so know what you mean about

thinking about working on it, and just putting it aside for another time. I did that too. The memory brick for Mike is so

nice....and he loved Fenway Park, didn't he? I loved doing the hand embroidery of the flowers.....my fav part. Not too

crazy about the hand-quilting of the other parts, though. Thanks

Colleen----So very nice that you are raising the money to have a playground in dear Brian's memory. I feel so guilty

sometimes for not doing memorial things in Dave's name, but I've always felt that I did not have the energy/ know how

to do something like that. We donated a good sum to the national parents against tired truckers organization, and

had a brick engraved at a local metro park.

Dee----Wow! Busy day.....I think you will sleep well tonight. . Thanks for quilt compliment.

Diane-----I understand how you would feel about the g.f. who was treating Nathan so poorly, and didn't even mention to

you that he made threats of suicide. I'm so sorry, and I sympathize. My son, Dave, also had a g.f. who was jerking

him around before he died. She never even acknowledged that he passed.......no call, no appearance at the wake,....nothing.

I still feel anger towards her now for being so self-centered and thoughtless....uncaring. Sending prayers that you can gain some

measure of comfort in the days ahead. Everyone here understands.

Sus-----Cute dialog between you & sweet Mariah.

Karen------It took almost a couple yrs. to make the quilt from start to finish. I could have done it in shorter time if I had

kept working on it steadily, but procrastinated at times. Thanks for kind words.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[dwsmithrn]

sherry..thanks....you know what just rips my heart out about the g/f? we never ever met her....no one liked her, so he was embarrassed for us to even meet her.....once we heard all the horrific stories about her, through lee and through nathan's friends, we never wanted to meet her. we just kept hoping that she would just go away....but nathan hid his relationship with her from many....he knew she wasn't right for him and he knew she was using and abusing him, but she had some kind of weird hold on him and he would go back and forth with her....it was so horrible....i never talked to her, but she saw lee and talked with other family members and NEVER once told any of them..sorry for your loss, nothing....just took her stuff out of nathan's home and walked away cussing at them because they told her to come get her stuff. she wasn't even allowed at the service. but not even telling his brother about his threat, that he DID follow through on....he was serious....now i live with the pain, and she just walked away....she is a loser, a tramp, and in my book, skanky, murdering ho.....i know that sounds harse, but what else am i to believe after all of this? i hate living this life, i hate this girl and i hate who i have become....it's just plain awful.....

i came to the mountains for the night with hubby.....just to get away for the night.....

sorry i am always so bitter and such a downer for everyone....i wish i could do better...could feel better....could accept this pain better, but i just can't do it.

i am happy for those of you who can do it....i want to laugh again and today, i did smile at the grandchildren on the phone today. they are too precious to ignore....but once i hung up, the tears started again.....i feel so guilty about not being myself.....

have a good night....my lovely indigo friends.......diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, I hope that you will realize that getting away adn doing some things like this will allow for better days at some point. Not now, that is okay and normal. It is still very early on this long road. You did have some good days last week, sometimes after a few good days in the beginning of grief, we fall into a deep hole, and it takes some time to emerge again. You will though, and what many of us find is that after a while, we fall in the hole less frequently and/or for shorter periods of time. Remind yourself of feeling Nathan's hand on yours when you are sinking and see if that helps you a bit. I know that you wish that you could be yourself again, one day you will look in the mirror and know who that woman is, and one day that woman will be smiling back at you. Not now or tomorrow, but down the road a bit.

Sherry, it was busy indeed but it was good. Really, your quilt is absolutely amazing and by the way, the edges looked purple not blue.

[Crystal Rogerson]

Diane: I know how you feel about mother's day. It used to be such a wonderful time for me. My girls would always make such a big deal about it for me. And I always looked forward to what they were going to come up with. Since Meg has died...I know that I am still a mother, but there have been and will be from here on out anymore mother's days. My youngest daughter either didn't know how to approach it the first year so she didn't do anything and she saw that that was just fine by me, so now we have a mutual agreement that there is no mothers day.

Now having said that...my granddaughter was born on May 9th (Mother's Day) last year. And it was the most precious thing that could have happened. My husband makes sure that me AND my daughter both celebrate Mother's Day. He got my daughter and I both bracelets from Tiffany's to mark the occasion. My grand baby is the best thing since ice cream. But my daughter and I still have the secret code of not celebrating mother's day.

I wish I could be more possitive in my post but this is pretty much where I'm coming from right now.

Love & Light to all, goodnight

Crystal-Meg's mom

[nicksdad]

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends

Well, It was sunny in Wisconsin yesterday, but now - cloudy.

Scott went to Potowanomi Bingo Casino last night. Lost $50 and left. He was home early==That was nice.

Diane - Please be kind to yourself. You are so new to this journey. You may be expecting too much. In the beginning of my grief, I too just wanted to smile again. But, what was there to smile about? My son was dead. That thought consumed me. As time went on, other thoughts were allowed into my head that displaced the constant thought of my loss. This takes time.

Megsmom - I too have a hard time with Mother's Day. But my other kids (especially my daughter) help me through it. They would not let it pass without at least a card and kiss.

For us, Father's Day will SUCK. This year, it falls on 6-19. The date of Brian's death. The date that will always hold sadness for us.

Well my friends, Scott and I actually had a very interesting conversation yesterday. I was telling Scott about the show I watched on OWN concerning a Mom forgiving her son's killer. Scott told me he has thought about calling Mike and telling him that he forgives him and wishing him a good life. I was astonished. I told Scott he should do what he feels is best for him. I am not to that point yet - but I will be. I have to be to move further in this grief process.

Just ask anyone on this site that could feel the hatred in my posts concerning those two boys. And reading my posts now. WOW I cannot even believe I am thinking of forgiving him. We still cannot talk about this with our kids.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Stephanie!!

Sorry this is late, was not on yesterday.

[charsng1234]

Morning all I tried to post last nught it let me write a long letter than my internet went off.. Well I will try again to day. How is iveryone doing still trying to get names straight on her. If I a am correct Diane I think we started on this path around the same time .sus And dee I know you been helping on this hard dark road I am on. Tony I know your still new here I hope your doung a little better. I know pam is in my thought. Well I know I was telling everying how I did nit even notice that the tree in my yard no longer had duds but leaves I used to love that?? Well no more It is still grey to me my world is not sunny and happy any longer. I am making ahole days at work now. I dont cry till I get into my car. I am still taking sleeeping pills afarid to stop will I be able to stop with out them? So I know there is bda weather everywere I hopa all is well. Dee thanks again for all your understanding and help and everyone her writes and tell threre story it lets me know I am not alone!!

sharon/shanes mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dan Lovely tribute to sweet Stephenie

Sus Mariah is quite a generous little girl 2 dollars and 764 cents WOW!!!how cute and funny.

Colleen I admire Scott' s decision to forgive. I do believe you will get there as you have definitely processed your grief and are ready to take the next step Good for you Brian is very proud.

Crystal I hear you regarding Mother's Day. It is one of the most difficult days of the year for me. Stephen is my only child-there are no grand children and it is very painful to honor that day alone. I do try to have my RE Memories and they are bitter sweet. Try not to even think about it until the day.

Sherry your dedication and talent really showed thru in the intricate pieces of the quilt. Do you have another project in the works? Love hearing about your signs.

Dee So sorry I was confused about your being on vacation The children here are out until Monday Enjoy your weekend

Carol I agree with Damien, Ralph is funny and you are the best!!

Tony I think the Indigos are all right on. It is such good news that a spark of light has penetrated the darkness. The signs are also there - Just keep doing what you are doing and coming here and connecting It really does help.

Sharon, Keep coming here. Share what you can Knowing that we are not alone is healing.

Diane Glad you took time to go away. I know how painful it is to remember the girl friend from "hell" I could not understand the connection with Stephen and is GF either but it was powerful. This is a healing place

I am off to the final opera of the season and am going to wear my new hat.

Betsy,Rhonda, Sharon, Crystal Amy and all Indigos have a sweet day.

[crystalann]

Morning all,

I read before I posted.

Dee,So glad you said something about one good day and then bad days.Thats where I am now.I had a good day now I have sunk into a black hole.

I woke up crying.Then screaming in the bathroom.I have had enough I dont want to feel this pain and loss anymore.I want him back now!This hurts to much!

I try so hard to beleive there is some place else he went.But I dont know.I feel like Im never gonna see him again.This is all bull he just went to my moms.And as for mothers day I had a problem with that already.It will be three years since I lost my mom one week after mothers day.I was stiil having issues with that.My dad died on fathers day so I have had issues with that too.I got over that when my youngest was born.Her middle name is Jaymes she was born on the day my dad died and it is also the day my mom and dad got married.All of that is nothing compared to what i feel now.I just dont want to feel all the sadness.I feel ;ike I have been missing someone my whole life and I thought it was bad but it wasnt.This is to much. Thanks for being here for me.

Love to all,Crystal

[dwsmithrn]

just want to say 'hi' and let you all know that i am really thankful for all of you....despite the fact we have to be here, and we hate that we have to be here, i am just so grateful, that you are all such wonderful, caring, loving people, and that is the most wonderful thing in the world right now....so thank you, my indigo family......diane

[Guest msnher]

Dan - I love the birthday photo for Stephanie so much I want to put it in a frame. Thank you so much!!

Sharon - I remember when everything was grey. I felt like a zombie, a shell of a person, going through the motions of living until I finally succumbed to the darkness and went to bed. Hang in there, Friend! This will pass. There will come a day when you see in color again. Sometimes the color is brighter than others, but it isn't always grey.

Thank you all for remembering my Stephanie yesterday. This year is so different from last year. We probably wouldn't be doing anything at all for her birthday if it weren't for the kids wanting to. It sounds so cold for me to say I'm okay with my daughter's death, because I'm not sure that's the truth. But, considering what might have happened had she continued on the path she was on AND won her children back it would have had devastating consequences for her children. I can be overcome with guilt when I realize there is some gratitude that we were all spared from another round of Stephanie's bad choices.

Also, watching the devastation the people in the south are enduring right now it is hard for me to feel sorry for my own loss...considering. Two weeks ago a 19 yr old father was arrested for squeezing his 7 month old son's head and shaking him to death. Drugs involved. I never knew him but he lived just four blocks from me. I'm not sure who to feel sorry for...the 19 yr old who will spend the rest of his life in prison or the 7 month old. The baby is now free. He is spared a life of abuse and neglect. It all just makes me so sad.

It is difficult to find God's hand in any of it. However, I can see God's hand in my daughter's death. Does that make me horrible? Guilt. Resignation. Surrender. In the worst moments of Stephanie's addiction I actually prayed God would take my daughter so she wouldn't have to live in so much violence and inner torture. That was before her kids were born. After the kids were born I kept praying she would snap out of it and become the mother they deserved.

I can't tell you how many times I tried to prepare myself for the news she had died from a drug overdose or purposely killed herself or was murdered. Heaven knows she was raped and beat up enough from her lifestyle. Guilt.

I felt real hate for my daughter when she slit her wrists, making her children watch, telling them goodbye. I felt real hate for her when I began getting phone calls from some of her "associates" telling me what an awful mother I was. I felt hate for her when she didn't fight to get her kids back the first time they were put in foster homes. Guilt.

I felt relief each time she made a geographical cure, glad she was moving far away from me. I tried to detach from the knowledge of what she was doing in Salt Lake, knowing she was leaving her little children unattended or with her new drug "friends" while she used her body to pay for more drugs. I tried to turn off the terror when I found out Jasmine was born with drugs in her system in New Jersey and the state was going to take away both jasmine and Mariah.

I stuffed my reaction when little Jonathon was born obvious with African American DNA while the man Stephanie was married to was blond and blue eyed.

Clean and sober Stephanie was the most compassionate, funny person you would ever meet. Trapped in her addiction and she would steal, lie and abuse you to get her fix.

She quit asking anything of me that last year...before she went into rehab. She had been to so many rehabs. She would last a few days and then leave because she didn't like anyone telling her what to do and "it's my life, Mom and I have to live it my way." I've lost count of how many times that happened. But, the last time...that last year, she was beaten. Both figuratively and literally. None of us knew where her kids were...for over a year...but we knew they were not being cared for. She was sad. She and her ass of a husband did spend a day with us the summer before she died. All four of my kids together. She rode behind me on the fourwheeler. She didn't have a license so we wouldn't allow her to drive one. She laughed hard with me when we went down a ravine and back up the other side. "Lean forward" I said as we went up. leaning back as we went down.

I wasn't aware of the nightmare she was living at home. I would find out several months later that her husband beat the tar out of her when they got home because she had so much fun with us that day.

That would be the turning point that made her finally leave him and put herself in treatment. An 8 month program in Cresco Iowa. She had burned the bridges to all the rehabs in Wyoming. I bought her bus ticket and gave her some spending money.

I sent her $200.00 a month while she was there for spending money. The mission wisely kept it in an account for her, allowing her $20.00 a week to spend. The state found her kids, discovered what they had been living through and allowed us to be their foster home. Stephanie finished rehab.

For the first time in her adult life I felt like I had my daughter back. She seemed to be working so hard to do what was required of her to get her kids back. At that time, our chances of getting the kids was 4% - according to our attorney.

I was worried when she quit going to church after one Sunday. I don't go to church either, but it was a big part of Steph's recovery, so it worried me. "Mom, I can't go to church just because you and dad want me to." That had a familiar tone to "Mom, I have to live my own life" but I dismissed it, allowing her the benefit of the doubt.

She was using "Old Yellow" our monster of a Ford truck. The first day she got home from rehab she and I went to the courthouse and paid all her fines so she could get her driver's license. About $700.00.

The light in her was so bright. I watched people drift towards her, wanting to soak up her "good energy". I was so proud.

I worried, and let her know, when I dropped some money off to her finding out she was at a picnic for CAC people...CAC is the place people stay when they are either transitioning out of prison or haven't quite committed enough offense to go all the way to prison...it's where criminals go before they get freedom. CAC is where she met her husband...Kevin, the father of Jasmine...the one whose girlfriend raped and tortured my grandchildren. CAC is where she met her current husband who was beating her up. CAC is where Jonathon's father was from...they hooked up in the backseat of his mother's car outside an AA meeting.

CAC. "What are you doing, Stephanie?" I told her it wasn't okay. I felt guilty about it later and apologized for accusing her of anything.

We hung out later that afternoon in the cemetary. Weird, I know.

The next week my daughter would be dead. I would find out about the new man she was seeing from CAC after she died. I would also find out she had a boyfriend before this last one that was just as dangerous.

She died clean and sober. They tested her blood. But, the boyfriend was extremely dangerous. Transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his last girlfriend. Hogtying her and leaving her in a field to die. He also had domestic abuse on his record for trying to slit his ex wife's throat.

Now, Stephanie was dead. In the beginning I would have traded my soul to the devil to get her back. The pain was awful. Now, I find myself silently saying "thank you" for sparing us all another round.

I am not allowing myself to drown in guilt. There is just a small place in me where I know my failures. Stephanie's failures. Consequences. This is it. And, I look at her birthday as just another day. A day where in the past she would call me asking me to give her a party for her friends. And, I'd do it. Hating it the whole time. Resenting her the whole time.

Guilt.

No, I refuse it...today. What is, is. What happened, happened. Glad these kids don't have to suffer anymore. Glad they are safe. Wishing I didn't have to raise them. Glad I get to raise them.

Too many conflicting emotions. Guilt. Gratitude. Resentment.

Time to put it all away and just focus on the moment. Wondering if I will be judged harshly for my feelings. Wondering if Stephanie understands. Wondering if she knows how much I love her. How much I wish she was still here, but glad she isn't still here living the life she was headed for again.

Thanks for listening.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody.

I have a busy morning with Michele and Jackson so I need to make this quick. I just wanted to check in and say hi, hoping all of you are finding some peace today. Yesterday was my strongest day since Brendan passed. I smiled, played softball and laughed a few times. I even stayed up until 11:30 PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a record for me in the past 5 months. Today is another story. I guess I didn't expect to have two good days in a row. I woke up this morning very sad. Walked outside and saw Brendan's bike and big wheel and broke down. When I went into our extra garage I saw my dad in there holding Brendan's bike helmet giving it a bear hug completely broken down. I lived 34 years without ever seeing my father cry. I have now seen him cry/sob so many times. It is so hard to see. Brendan and my father were also so very close. I am going to try to have an ok day today. I am going to try hard to play with Jackson and hang out with my family. I will miss Brendan with every breath I take, but I know that I need to try to live today.

Thinking of you all today and every day

Brendan's Daddy-Tony

[shorty16]

Tony,

You are doing very well, give yourself credit for that. It is OK to have one good day and 10 bad. That is how it is in the beginning. Your effort and love for Michele, Jackson and your parents is very evident. That will get you through this.

My Friends,

Today I went to the post office and on the way there saw one of Brian's cross stickers on a vehicle. After Brian was killed, one of his friends brought over some stickers they made. They are a cross with Brian's name and his angel date. I have ordered 150 of these stickers so far. Seeing them on another vehicle other than my families suprised me. It made me cry.

Sometimes we are so caught up in our own grief that we do not realize others are also hurting. I still cannot imagine anyone hurting more than me because of Brian's death, but they do.

Scott and I had a good day yesterday and today. We are both working hard to meet in the middle. I love this man and always will - he is the father of all 3 of my children. No-one knows what I lost more than him. We will survive.

Thanks for your help, my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

OH GOODY NICE GLOOMY DAY HERE...IDK IF WERE GOING TO RACE OR NOT...KODY GOT HIS AC HOOKED UP FOR HIS HELMET...SO HES READY TO RACE

DECIDED TO TAKE BROOKE AND KODY ON A CRUISE FOR GRAD GIFTS...SHE GRAD NEXT YR SO THIS WILL BE FOR HER AND HIM...OF COURSE DAD AND I WILL RELUCTANLY HAVE TO GO....

AND LETTN HIM DRIVE TEXAS NASCAR DRIVING SCHOOL...HE CAN MAKE 6 LAPS DRIVING AND 4 RIDING...AT 160MPH SO HE WILL LIKE THAT...CANT BELEIVE HES GRADUATING...WOW...

I HOPE HE NEVER MOVES OUT I WILL BE LOST....HE SAID LAST NIGHT "I WANNA A FAMILY HUG".....MADE ME CRY....

IM THINKING OF YAL AND PRAYERS FOR ALL OF YAL SADLY SO MANY NEW ONES IDK...AND MORE TO SADLY COME..

WE WILL FINALLY HAVE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS TUES AT 6 FIRST TIME IN 11 MONTHS...HOPE I CAN CONNECT AGAIN WITH PPL

[lolynbo]

Today I went to the post office and on the way there saw one of Brian's cross stickers on a vehicle. After Brian was killed, one of his friends brought over some stickers they made. They are a cross with Brian's name and his angel date. I have ordered 150 of these stickers so far. Seeing them on another vehicle other than my families suprised me. It made me cry.

COLLEEN I WAS GOING TO TOWN YEST AND LOOKED UP AND SAW A KOURTNEY MEMORIAL STICKER...MADE ME CRY...I JUST DONT SEE THEM ANYMORE...PPL GET NEW CARS AND DONT PUT THEM BACK ON...I THINK SHES ONLY ON 2 CARS OTHER THEN MINE AND DADS...

[Guest msnher]

I miss my daughter

[ericasmom]

Of course you miss your daughter, and it is okay to not miss the chaos that Steph brought to your lives, but you will always love her adn I do think that she is not judging you for your honest emotions and thoughts. I think that she is grateful for the life you are providing the kids. They will have issues in thier lives for all they saw and went through, if they continued in that kind of life, they would not have a chance to be okay to be happy humans.They do have a chance now, because of you adn Gary and therapy and stability.

As far as seeing God's hand in these sadnesses, my thought is the same as it has been for many many years; God provides a place to live called Earth, the events we cause on Earth are what we cause, the directions we go have to do wtih choice, free choice, and when our choices or our age or our health simply leads us off the Earth, we are welcomed into a place of beauty and forever filled by the goodness and love that we have always known. God provides the place, not the actions. I listened to someone on the news, she was talking about being spared through the tornado and she said it was because she prayed so hard...I cannot believe that others died because their prayer was not a s good or long or devout...I can only think that for whatever reason, she is still here and her neighbors have found that next place. God did not make the funnel clouds, nor the train to not stop, God is there for us in the beginning and in our new beginning by giving us home.

Tony, Sharon, Diane and Meg, pam, all those new, two forward, three back...it is still moving forward you know. Those two forward are you inching along, and it is all of us in the start. Hang on, a few good days is something to really feel good about because you know it is possible.

[Guest msnher]

Thank you, Dee.

[lolynbo]

THE BACK OF KODYS RACE CAR...HE THOUGHT OF IT...DADDY DID IT..

[Crystal Rogerson]

Hello my Indigo friends.

Hope you are all finding your way through this day.

I am so sad today.... I went to Festival International last night. Something that I thought I would never do, as me and crowds don't mesh. but I went with some people from work. alot of them college aged. I was having so much fun (I haven't had fun like that in so long). But all of a sudden I started thinking about Meg. Thinking she should be here with these young people living it up, dancing without a care in the world. I got home late and went to bed. This morning I felt much better only to have something horrible happen and Meg was right there.

I was sitting outside drinking coffee and was watching a bird. Its been coming back and forth for quite a few weeks now, but it dawned on me that it might have a nest. It did. It s been building a nest in the rolled up canopy on our boat. I was thrilled. I text my husband abuout it and he said to get it out of there because it could ruin the canopy (I don't know how) but I proceeded to remove this nest anyway. It wasn't put together very well...when I reached in to get it the bird flew right into my face and stabbed me with its beak. Once I got the nest out I saw 5 babies in there...they obviously aren't very old, as they have no fuzz on them and thier eyes are closed but thier mouths were raised straight up...My first thought was"OH NO...now that my scent is on the nest the mother won't return to them". an automatic death sentence for these little creatures. My husband said to put the nest in a tree and the mother would find them. Its windy here today and the nest is not put together very well ( a first time mom I'm assuming). They started dying off one by one. Is all I could do is bawl. I killed these helpless little birds and have ruined the mother birds life, as I and you know, it's devistating to lose your children. Meg flashed in my face as she was such an animal lover. The mother bird returned to the boat looking for the nest with food in her mouth. all of a sudden she dropped the food and started making a heart breaking sound. Realy loud. Not a chirp...more of a howling sound as I am sure she new her babies were gone and her heart was breaking.

I know this is a trivial story compared to all that eveyone is going thru. But my heart is hurting.

Find peace and be good to yourselves

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom