Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

I don't want to hate the woman who hurt my grandchildren, but I do.  I want to forgive her, but about the best I can do right now is just quit throwing stones.  I'm very angry at the whole situation.  I not only hate what she did, I hate that she still blames Stephanie and me for it.  I've heard from three separate sources about three different women who have been in jail with her, thinking she's wonderful and telling the truth.  Then they found out who the "mother and grandmother" are that Tina is talking about and they know the truth.  It took years, but I did forgive my father for the horrible atrocities he committed against my sisters and me.  However, it is easier to forgive someone who has died than someone still alive, unrepentent, and barely got their hands slapped.  I find myself also angry with the whole system.  The DA's office, the state...etc. 

What I realized the other day is I don't have the energy or desire to keep fighting her.  I'm not sure what my motives are.  My motives can't be to protect the children anymore, because that's done.  I will continue to do that.  We got them.  That was the main goal.  My motive has to be to stand up and yell what she did to our family, that she's a liar, that neither Stephanie or I knew where the children were for over a year TO hurt them, and we never would hurt them or any other child anyway!  I hate that people might even think that's possible of us. 

However, every door I've approached has been shut.  The only thing growing is the hatred in my heart.  It's poison to me.  I don't want to love her.  I don't want to have anything to do with her.  I just want to be set free from this self destructive resentment I have towards her.

I wish there was a magic button.  She gets out of jail on the 19th.  I am trying to prepare myself.  I am working through the steps (12 steps of recovery) again on this and Stephanie's death.  I don't want to be a bitter woman.  My hatred for her gives her power over me. 

I can choose to forgive her.  But, I don't know how to mean it.

Love you all!!

Susannah/Stephanie/s mom

[mysonrich]

Bonnie, Marcia,  Kathy, do you know of any group like this one in the states?

http://www.c-r-y.org.uk/cry_brochure.htm

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Sherry, Trudie, Beth and Dee thank you for your insights into anger, hate and forgiveness.  I agree letting go of the pain is very freeing on my spirit remembering is another story.  Sherry I am so sorry that another young person has lost their life in the same way and same place as Davey. Yes I can understand how you feel .

 

Trudie: that certainly was a beautifully wise quote  Thank you. I do believe that is what has happened to me with Stephen's GF but I did not do it intentionally.  I do understand the pain caused by Mikes GF and

I am relieved that you have reached  this place:

 "Forgiving doesn't erase the bitter past - A healed memory is not a deleted memory.  Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember.  We change the memory of our past into a hope for out future"  Louis Smedes.

 

Susannah Loved the new picture of Stephenie  Saw the BI newsletter  Great picture 

Kathy, Carol, Betsy, Sonya holding positive thoughts of each of you

 

To all Indigos have a Blessed day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[Guest]

Eight months today since Stephanie passed.  I am full of a vast awray of emotions that I can't identify.  I am more grateful for you all than you know!

Betty - How do we get the newsletter? 

Peace to each of you.

This family picture was taken in Dec 2003.  Stephanie is in the front with the pink hat on.  She was high.  It may be in poor taste to post it, but that was our reality with her for a long, long time.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Forgiveness delayed is not forgiveness denied.

My sister just emailed that to me.  I don't know if it's a quote from someone else or if she is the author of it.  But, I needed to hear it!

[heartbeataway]

Betsey,

No, I have not heard of this group or one like it in the US.  We send our donations to Johns Hopkins.

Susannah,

Thinking of you!

There's a new baby boy who needs prayer ...... Blake is not a month old yet, he has had open heart surgery and is fighting for his little life. Please say his name out loud and pray for strength and healing. As of this morning, his Dad said, "he's hanging in there".

[shorty16]

Wow, talkative bunch,

I belong to a Bible study group and the leader of the Bible study is going for her masters in Divinity.

One of her assignments was to gain more knowledge on grieving.  She asked if she could talk to me about my grief journey concernng my loving son, Brian.

This women, Gwen, told me "I was really suprised when you came to bible study and cried.  Your son has been dead for 1.5 years and it still bothers you?" 

I knew right then that she was someone who would never get it.  I spent 1/2 hour of my time with her and that was all I could stand - She is studying to be a Pastor. - Lord help us.

I have realized some people just do not get-it. 

Colleen

[Guest]

Wyoming sky.  A couple of years ago.  Double rainbow, full moon and stars.

[Guest]

Stephanie in recovery (far left) with friends. 2009

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all

I know I haven't been on here in a long time.  I have been so lost and not able to find my way of late.  I have got on and saw that I have missed new comers and those with angelversries, and birthdays, and problems.  It makes me feel like I am inhuman by not being able to post to you all.  I can't even watch the news anymore without crying like a baby.  I won't try to catch up.. just know my heart has been with you all and I need to leave it at that. 

As for my life.. I don't know where it is.  I have lost my contact with JaBoa's mom, I have lost my contact with her sister and I don't spend a day praying that God will let my phone ring with something.  I don't know if my daughter is sick physically or mentally anymore.. I stay offline because I have dial-up and am so afraid I will miss the call.

I won't go on with anymore news of me..  there is nothing more to share.  I just wanted to let everybody know that I do still think of you and am here in spirit, thought and prayer.  Continue to be strong for yourselves and for others, you all do such a great job!

thoughtfully

Leah/JaBoas grandma

[lolynbo]

This women, Gwen, told me "I was really suprised when you came to bible study and cried.  Your son has been dead for 1.5 years and it still bothers you?" 

HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT SMACK THE CRAP OUTTA HER.....OH MY GOSH...UR BETTER THEN ME SISTA...IDA LOST IT... I ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR JUST READN THAT

[daveydow1]

Susannah---I so understand your anger towards that evil woman who

hurt your precious grandchildren. I agree.....it is very difficult forgiving

someone who has been unrepentent, and gets a slap on the wrist for

terrible deeds. The driver who killed Davey never once spoke to us, or

said he was sorry. In court, at sentencing, he apologized to his family for

all the troubles he caused.  Even after sentencing (if you can call it that),

he did not say a word.

Betty-----The families of the three young men killed here recently have just

started on this devastatingly sorrowful journey. I pray for them.

Bonnie----Prayers for baby Blake, who had the open heart surgery. Bless his

little soul. I will pray hard that he recovers and goes on to be a healthy baby.

Leah----Sending warm thoughts to you, that you will feel stronger. Not to worry

about not being able to read/post when you are in that 'black hole' place......

we've all been there, and still fall into it from time to time. Peace & comfort, friend.

Colleen-----Oh...I saw red when you wrote what the woman said to you. Man,

they just don't understand, and they NEVER WILL, unless they've lost a child.

All the same,-----that was a very unfeeling thing to say to you. She better go

back and reread the study materials on Grief, or she will be causing great sadness

to people she will no doubt have to councel in the future. So sorry that happened.

Dee---The family of the three young men killed have been flooded with kindness

from their communities. The funerals were early this week. Now, the poor souls

have to face the stark and excrutiating reality that their young men are gone

forever. I feel so sorry for them.

           Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry    

[debbief]

Please read this poem it's so emotional and speaks volumes, made me cry! I can just imagine my Sammy saying this to me, love you Sam so much, your mum Debbie x

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me

"If tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and

Find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I'd always thought,

I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all that we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,

And all I've promised you."

Today your life on earth is past,

But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day is the same way,

There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart "

[ericasmom]

Deb, I have seen adn loved it each time, this poem says so much for we parents, thanks for sharing and thanks for the photo of that gorgeous and silly Sammy. He makes me laugh and I only am just getting to know him.

Col, what kind of pastor does she want to be, the kind that only deal with joyousness? Holy cow Lady, get a friggin clue quick, QUICK! I do give you credit too, to not have yelled at her is pretty great self control.

Bonnie, prayers for Blake are being said, Fight Blake Boy, fight to be strong and live a long and wondrous life.

Eight months seems unimaginable I know Susannah, and yet, here you are breathing, raising kids, tending to the legal matters, and finding ways to put a perspective on things. We never thought that we could get through a week without our Child living in this same plane, but here we are. And they are cheering, because they need us to live our best lives, need it, so that they know how dearly we are trying.

Peaceful intentions in all we do-dee

[debbief]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

This women, Gwen, told me "I was really suprised when you came to bible study and cried.  Your son has been dead for 1.5 years and it still bothers you?" 

HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT SMACK THE CRAP OUTTA HER.....OH MY GOSH...UR BETTER THEN ME SISTA...IDA LOST IT... I ALMOST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR JUST READN THAT

I can't believe that someone can be so cold, you never get over the loss of your baby no matter how long!!!! time is errelavant. So sorry you had to deal with this woman! Debbie x

[debbief]

"Hello Dee" just wanted to say that, you say such lovely things to us all, thank you. x

My thoughts are with little Blake xx

 

 

[Guest]

Prayers for baby Blake!

Debbie - Love the poem.  LOve the picture of Sammy.  What's the tatoo say on his belly?

Colleen - If the woman has truly been "called" she's in for some hard lessons. 

Sherry - It's odd, isn't it?  I mean common decency says you at least apologize to the family.  And, if not out of common decency at least out of wanting to make a good impression with the judge.  Not even a fake "sorry". 

It's not always easy, but is certainly easier to forgive someone who is at least remorseful.   Much harder to forgive someone who almost gloats and acts like their the victim.  A true test of my spiritual beliefs.

Gonna watch Kenny Chesney on Oprah.  Woo Hoo!!

[ericasmom]

Thanks Debbie. Hey, I have a friend living near you somewhere, we are in a writing group together, we skype her once per month after we share our writing with one another and critique it. She is now a published writer taking classes at BATH for writing. Her work is mostly for older kids, some good dark mysterious stuff. I have only met her once in person, as she came in for the holidays. She used to live in Chicago but her husband took a position (temporary in England) and she enrolled in a serious writing degree program. She used to teac where our other members did/do which is in Hyde Park, Illinois at the Lab school where Barrack Obama's kids attended before moving to Washington DC. She is enjoying life in your part of the world.

Sherry, do you mean to say that all three boys were from one family?

Leah, I am sorry for the sadness you find yourself immersed in. Not having contact with JoBoa's Mom, must feel like another loss, and not knowing if she is well or not...goodness knows that must be a hardship that breaks your good heart. Prayers for you to find the light in the day to live by.

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Wow, talkative bunch,

I belong to a Bible study group and the leader of the Bible study is going for her masters in Divinity.

One of her assignments was to gain more knowledge on grieving.  She asked if she could talk to me about my grief journey concernng my loving son, Brian.

This women, Gwen, told me "I was really suprised when you came to bible study and cried.  Your son has been dead for 1.5 years and it still bothers you?" 

I knew right then that she was someone who would never get it.  I spent 1/2 hour of my time with her and that was all I could stand - She is studying to be a Pastor. - Lord help us.

I have realized some people just do not get-it. 

Colleen

Colleen, this is EXACTLY why so many churches are sick and lacking of spirit health. This woman, Gwen, is proof positive that no matter how much one studies from books to prepare for ministry, unless the Holy Spirit brings enlightenment, (often by having one walk a certain journey to gain empathy and enlightenment), it won't come. Not everything can be learned from a book. Even the Bible is just a book until the Spirit opens eyes and hearts to see and hear. How sad that you were subject to that. You should have asked her to take a walk back to the Old Testament and study how Abraham's grief over Sarah looked. He wore sackcloth and ashes for upwards of a year. Many still wear mourning clothes for long periods of time to this day. Unfortunately the U.S. Culture, as well as a few others shun people who grieve openly.

Isn't it great that we don;t have to worry about that kind of stuff here at BI?

I saw the newsletter and Susannah's interview. Nice!! And that Sesame Street initiative looks interesting. I likely can't get it here, because they said it was a national program. But if anyone can get their hands on a Spanish version, I would LOVE to have one. I have spiritually adopted kids here who have lost parents and spend time in an orphanage near us with kids who have suffered loss. It would undoubtedly be a valuable resource.

Rain, rain, rain, rain here. Should be lifting in the next couple of weeks as April comes to a close and our summer season begins. Sure does make for a lot of wet...

Love & hugs to all here. SO glad the BI family is thriving. My thoughts and prayers with you all continually. xoxoxo ~Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[suzytou]

I went back to work 2 weeks after Andrew died. Made it for a week and a half and it did not go well. Took another 2 weeks and have to go back on Monday. I am dreading it.  It is not that I am productive in any way here  at home; at the least it is that I don't have to pretend I am okay. It is so exhausting. There is so much I feel like I should  be doing; packing up Andrew. I start each day, look at the moving boxes, look at the closed door to his room and sit down on the couch; that's where I spend my day. Thinking about packing up Andrew. I am not functioning in any sense of the word and to go to work and pretend again --- I don't understand how any one does it.

Susan

Mom to Andrew 9/11/90-2/20/10

[mikesmum]

Susan - the wise who were here when I arrived gave me some great advice.  Take it one breath, one step at a time.  We are changed for all time but  life continues.  I know Micheal would be sad if he thought losing him stopped me living.

Colleen - Some people can't expand their thinking outside their own comfort zone.  Experience is a great teacher, but we wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.  I'm with Lorri - smack up side the head!  I know the lessons you have learned and the strengths you have developed these past months..You have a chance to educate her.  She might do well to read here for a while..

Susannah - Yep hate is a poision that simmers and robs you of your body mind and soul.  Those pics - we have 'family' pics and Steve looks 'happy', but hey, thats my family.

Debbie - Notice how each post you made before you had Sam's avatar up now has his beaming face......great looking boy.  Love the poem, yes have it.  What does the tattoo say?

Sherry -  In court, at sentencing, he apologized to his family for all the troubles he caused  Sorry for the trouble, pardon me!!!  For those families, I hope the support doesn't petter out after the funerals... 

Had a hectic night and now morning.  Dad in law taken to hospital last night with pneumonia.  Like Ralph he has COPD.  After getting him settle in hospital and seeing him feel better I heard my mum in laws breathing.  While she doesn't have COPD, she has bronchitis!  So this morning is off to the docs with her or maybe a 'suite' at the hospital.....

Raining here...cold and dark.

Take Care...Trudi

[ericasmom]

Susan, my goodness, why should you feel you can work or be productive at something that hurts dreadfully? Packing up Andrew is something you can do when you feel the energy to do so. If you are not able right now, then don't . I was lucky, well if one can be lucky after the loss of a Child. I am a teacher and have the summers off, though I do tutor some. Eri died in July and I had to be back at work on August 28th, so I had more time alone and to rest adn think,  and I went really unsure if I could do it. But I did, and in fact, I am quite sure that it gave my life the shape and purpose it needed. But not everyone has a job that offers that daily gift. I could not, couldn't at all, write thank you notes to those that came to Eri's funeral. What I did was sat down at the table each day adn tried, but dissolved in tears within minutes each time. I wrote thank you's to the children that came to the wake and funeral, the little students of my past, and I thanked folks for the money they sent, and that was all I could do. Grief is exhausting Susan, so go easy on yourself with that. The mask we have to wear when out in public takes great amounts of energy adn so you are right, and you are feeling what we all have felt. I wish you were not, but it is unavoidable. Take heart in this too however, because we are all here and since the loss we all have had, we have learned to live our best lives, or are in the process of learning that, and you will too. It takes time and patience with ones self. It takes the love of your beautiful Son to show you the way.

Love and peace,

dee

[ericasmom]

Wow Susannah, I just saw the newsletter, what a pretty photo of you and a nice interview.

dee

[lolynbo]

JUST BEEN TO CEMETARY FOR THE 3X TODAY..TOOK THIS PIC EARLIER WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YAL...

THINKING OF ALL YAL AND OUR ANGELS...PRAYING THEY GIVE US STRENGHTH AND MANY SIGNS...

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - I am sorry but not able to post tonight..it has been a tough day..my friend Lori who lives in Georgia..her son committed suicide yesterday....he was adopted by Lori and husband as an infant and later they had a little girl...Derek was in his young 20's and I am heartbroken for her. Please say a prayer.  I will talk soon. Love to all, Kathy

[shorty16]

Hello Indigo's

Thanks for responding about "The Church Lady."  Quite a piece of work.

I just love and miss my Brian today.  He was just developing into a man - what kind of man would he have been?  President - NO.  Hard-working blue-colar guy - yes.  Great Uncle, Dad, and Husband - You bet, he learned from the best (Scott is a great Dad).

Thinking of all our angels and the happiness they would be bringing to us right now.  I pray for us all.  I am glad you are here.

Colleen

[aim630]

Haven't been on here for about a week & just spent an hour reading all the posts I've missed (& crying). I'm so glad we can come to this place and know others understand how we feel.

Dee-Thanks for sharing Erica with us.I'm sorry I missed her birthday(same as my Katie's). I really liked the poems and stories you shared about Eri & Michael. I'm still struggling with the fear there is no afterlife & your story of the pink sky when Michael was passing (Eri coming to meet him) helps me to believe. I guess I'm having so much trouble because if I believe Ashley is there, then I KNOW she's never coming back here where I can see her & hug her again. On Easter (Eri's & Katie's birthday)we lit a candle for Ashley & my dad. I just never thought when my Dad died, that Ashley would be gone 4 yrs later.

Ashley's last birthday was on Thanksgiving last year. She was unconscious in a medically induced coma. She had just told me about a month before that her next birthday was on Thanksgiving & Katie's was on Easter.

Lorri-beautiful picture.

Susan-I went back to work about 2 wks after Ashley passed away. It was very difficult, especially since people seemed to think I should be able to just go on like nothing was wrong. I do payroll, which involves a lot of mindless keying of information (after 10 years I really don’t have to think about it). My boss just told me I need to take on more work if I want to move ahead. She said maybe it’s not important to me now, which frankly, it’s not. It is easier to just get through the day with as little thinking as possible. It is too much effort to try to learn something new right now, and I don’t feel like putting in a lot of overtime.

Some days I think this is all just a horrible nightmare, and I want to wake up & have everything the way it was before.

Thanks to all for listening, I won’t stay away for so long again.

Amy/Ashley’s mom

[Guest]

A 12 yr old girl has been abducted from a near by town.  No particulars are being released at this time.  Please pray for her.

Kathy - I'm so sorry for your loss and your friend's loss.  There is no good way to lose a child, but to lose one to suicide has to be an additionally hard blow.  Keeping you all close in my thoughts.

Lorri - Beautiful picture of you and your angel!

Amy - It was good to see Ashley's face.

Susan - Also welcomed Andrew's face.  I'm so sorry for what you both are going through.  We all understand it!  I'm just glad you can come here and share when you feel up to it.

Dee and Betty - Thanks for the compliment.  Jude emailed me a copy of the newsletter.  The picture of me is almost three years old, taken at my son's wedding.  I have very few pictures of me alone.  Jude and Alex, the writer, were very encouraging and validating.  They made me look and sound good, didn't they?  If I didn't know myself as well as I do, I'd be impressed too.  LOL

I read some of my journal entries to Gary tonight.  He cried.  It was healing for us to share what it's been like for the two of us.  I told him about some of you having to go back to work so soon and how I was barely functioning at home WITH his help.  I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have him to pick up the slack all those first months.  I don't know how I got the kids to school, even.  It's all such a blur. 

What I can tell you is back then (it seems so long ago) I NEVER thought I'd function again.  Dee and Trudi and Betty and so many others offered continual encouragement.  I didn't even want to function.  I felt any reprieve from the pain was somehow a betrayal to Stephanie.  Well, only eight months later and I am beginning to function somewhat.  On a different level.  I am much like a toddler, however..  When the pain hits, I forget about the reprieves and throw a tantrum or sink back into despair.  The thing is, I don't stay there, now.  It doesn't take long to rise out of it.  Sometimes a few days,  Sometimes hours.....but, I do rise out of it.  I can also tell you I've discovered the reprieve in pain does not lesson Stephanie's memory, but allows me to "view" it more clearly.  I am able to smile at the memories, now...without the pain.  When the pain hits, however, all bets are off.  It is like someone kicked my knees out from under me and I crumble.

When I found you guys I just wanted to talk about my daughter.  I wanted to get through an hour without sobbing.  I wanted to get an hour's worth of sleep.  And, I wanted to be able to get dressed and drive my grandkids to school without crying everytime I left the school. 

That's what you all have done for me.  I've gained 25 lbs in the process, but I am able to get out of bed in the morning.  I can get dressed when I find something in my closet that fits over my wider bottom.    And, I smile more.  I even enjoy some things.  I honestly laugh sometimes, too. 

Today has been one of those days when I cried a lot.  Laughed a lot.  Slept some.  Did some laundry.  I dressed in my fat clothes, did my hair and put on my makeup.  I talked to the DA and found a very small slice of peace.  Anway....it's all thanks to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

1988 - back L - R , Amanda 9, Stephanie 7,  front row L - R Jennifer 3, Curtis 4

Check out their bangs.  Mom's beauty salon.  You'd think I would have caught on with the first set of bangs.  LOL

[braydensmom]

Thanks to everyone that commented on Brayden's b-day. It was so great to look on here and see his name so many times!!!

Here is a pic of me and my baby on easter!!

[suzytou]

Andrew was never really an adult. He had a 19 year old mind in a body that limited him so much. He endured so much pain and frustration; and somehow found humor in it all.  He touched so many people using just his eyes and when he was feeling good, his small vocabulary; (mostly swear words in the past year).  I miss him so much. I miss all of it; taking care of him was never hard; he loved us and made it all simple and a pleasure. I wish I was not working so much this past year; I missed so much time. So many moments that were important wasted for work. I wish i had stayed awake the last night; I wish I had spent more time with him; told him I loved him; watched a wrestling video with him; I wish I was there when he took the last breath. I worry if he was awake and knew and tried to call out and was scared. To be alone as you die; should never happen when people who love you are in the next room....sleeping.  I can never get over this guilt. I can not imagine not missing his face every day. I can not imagine living every day and working every day like  anything matters. There is so much I would change; if only that last night, though I'd give anything for more time; he was so big in this world, he deserved more time.

Susan

Andrew 9/11/90-2/20/10

[hotrod]

Dear, Dear Susan I understand and hear your sadness and pain.  As Tudie and Dee have suggested , please try to take it one moment at a time.  Take deep breaths,try to rest, come here often, pour out your thoughts and tell us all about Andrew. 

If only we could each have al litttle more time how great that would be.   I have found that by  coming here and sharing, posting pictures I get to  re live my sweet memories and share them  with people who care  It is a wonderful gift .  You are not alone.

Dear Amy, I am glad to see lovely Ashley when I signed on tonight 

Debbie Such a beautiful poem.  Thank you  Sammy smile is captivating.

Leah what a lovely gift to see Jaboa. I am so sorrry that you are not feeling well Please know I have held warm thoughts of you.

Bonnie prayers going up for little Blake and Kathy so sorry to hear about Derek  I will have positive thoughts for the family.

 Lorrie Loved the picture and Colleen I too love this group and I know that Brian would have been a happy successful man.

Trudie I do hope mom and da-in law are recovering well and that you and hubby get some rest.

Dee as usual you have been very busy uplifting us all I hope you have agreat weekend.

Susannah loved all the pictures and I know my bangs looked like that when I was that age as well  You have been busy tonight as well I hope you are doing OK  Undersand the anger you feel  Just relax and be gentle with yourself 

Sherry so good to see Davey again today as well as Claudia and Joey 

 It has been very busy today I hope I included everyone .  I missed Carol and I know that she and Ralph are recovering from  the hard  busy week 

I just want to say to all Indigos that you are in my thoughts and prayers

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[mikesmum]

[user=45453]braydensmom[/user] wrote:

Thanks to everyone that commented on Brayden's b-day. It was so great to look on here and see his name so many times!!!

Here is a pic of me and my baby on easter!!

Amanda - Thank you for reminding there is more in life.  This little one followed so closely here has grown so much...your smile, just beautiful.  Brayden still so much part of you, his baby bro has his own personal angel.

Lorri - I love the reflection on Kourtney's memorial - she is one beautiful girl..

Kathy - Thoughts with your friend Lori as she faces the why's whatifs of these early days...prayers for the family.  Your experience in loss a strength that she will no doubt appreciate in the days, months to come.

 

[heartbeataway]

Susan,

Don't expect a lot of yourself ......

Remember, you're early in a journey that will continue for the rest of your life. It's a non-linear journey and there will be many detours.

There will always be a "miss" in what once was a steady heartbeat and a hole in your soul that you will teeter on the brink of at times.

When you said that you sat on the couch, it took me back to the early days, weeks and what was eventually months after our son died.

I can remember sitting for hours looking out the window wondering why the birds were still singing. How could they sound so happy?

I will tell you the same thing I've told so many others.  Pour out your heart with your keyboard, we will be here listening with our eyes and answering with our hearts.  Hearts that are just as broken as yours but further down this road of grief.

This group brought me comfort and hope at a time when I had none. It didn't matter what time of day or night I logged in, there was always someone responding. It helped me get through some really low points.

If you go back and read some of the posts, you'll see the healing in subsequent posts. In the beginning, the disbelief, the overwhelming grief, the lack of hope and then slowly, there is healing and the raw emotion becomes softer.

Deep breaths and baby steps ...... there's a lot of understanding and love here. Take advantage of it.

Strength for the journey,

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

the sun is shining and the day is back to spring which is nice.

Bonnie, so happy to see Jason smiling out at us, he is like a spring day, the way you have described him, scrubbed in sunshine, is oh so true.

Amy, so many folks giving great advice knowing just where on this road. You and Susan and others pretty early on this journey might be overwhelmed as we all once were,...again, even though one day into the journey of loss is like a lifetime adn a blink of an eye all at once, this spot that you find yourselves is early, taking small steps will be important.

One pitfall that many fall into is the giant hole of guilt. We seem, no matter why our Child died, or how, to have a sense of guilt. I should have done this...I should have noticed that...I should have kept her on the phone...many folks feel as though giving that up is giving up the sweet memories of our children. It isn't, I promise. Letting go of some of that will actually open the window into the sweeter memories and alllow for your lives to have more of the light of your Child. Once I learned and then forced myself to stop the constant loop of the night that Erica was hit by the train, I found memories buried in that space that the replay was lurking. I made room inside of me for more of Eri's light and less of the sadly bitter night of her accident. It will never leave me, that night, I won't forget that, but she would kick me in the butt if that was the predominant memory provoked each day. It was for a while, and that is normal. We all woke each day in those early months, with the flash of all that occured that took our Babies, which set the tone for each day. Eventually, that flash will soften---, the memory needn't play itself out like a video clip after a while, and you will replace some of the video with times that hold promise.

What promise you might ask? The promise we made to our Babies, to God or to whomever you believe, when we first met  these children, that we pray to be great parents, to make this Child happy, to give thanks for their lives in ours. That remains, you will always be that beloved Parent to your Beloved Child, and while the hole in your heart screams, SO WHAT THEY AREN"T HERE, a little voice will one day echo off your broken heart to say, "I AM RIGHT HERE, FOREVER, Please live where I no longer can, stand in the sun and give me a wink and go on and see what you will see, LIVE."

So last night, Jonathan and Shannon picked me up at 9:45 PM, (usually getting heavy eyelids by that time), and we set out to the city for the 11:00 show in Eri's honor. The comedy club was about the size of my living room, tiny but held 45 seats. It was a BYOB, so I brought a bottle of wine and an opener, most brought beer, I was the oldest one there. The audience was filled with young women and men that went to school with Erica, as well as two of my nephews and my niece Laura and 4 of her friends, and of course those who love comedy late at night in the city. So the show was great. Amy did a fabulous job explaining that this was her kickoff to the second season of the MOSHOW. She is Mo. She told the group that the proceeds from that show and Saturdays would go to the ERICA REITH fund because it was just her birthday and she couldn't think of a better way to celebrate and honor her Buddy Erica, than with laughter. After all, she said, that is what ERica loved most. Amy/MO's eyes were glassy with welling emotion, I was crying, and several of ERi's friends were as well. The show went on with about 8 acts, each of them hilarious in their own right, one guy there will be on the Tonight Show soon, very funny. One young lady that hung with Eri from kindergarten until she left here, Cecily, did her improv work with another woman and we had tears of laughter as they wove their way through moment to moment scenes. As the show ended, Amy/Mo said some sweet things about Eri and the Fund and the show was over. Those folks that did not know Erica, came and gave me a hug and wished us well.

We got home at around 2:30. I layed in bed and spoke my prayers, hopes, wishes to Eri as I do each day, and I felt a deep smile in my life. I know she was smiling too.

[lolynbo]

DEE SOUNDS LIKE A NICE TIME AT THE COMEDY CLUB...GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT...SO NEAT AND DIFF EVENT...

SUSAN I SENT U  A PRIVATE MESSAGE...DEE AND I NO YOUR BABY BOY WASNT ALONE..AND SO MANY OTHERS OF US NO THIS...

WELL MY SON RACES TONIGHT ITS SATURDAY...SO PRAY TO KEEP HIM AND ALL THE OTHERS SAFE...AND FOR US TO WIN...LOL

KIMBERLY AND CODY ARE COMING UP TODAY TO STAY THE NIGHT AND GO RACEN...AND THEN A PARTY FOR THEIR FRIEND...

IV DECIDED (OR MY WALLET DECIDED) WE ARE NOT GOING ON FAMILY CRUISE WE WILL GO TO SAN ANTONIO AND GO TO SHLIDDRBAUN (SP) AND RIVER WALK AND SEA WORLD...(STILL ALOT OF $$$) BUT WONT INTERFER WITH RACING...PROB GONNA GO JULY 25 TO 30TH...KIMBERLY AND CODY CAN GO IF THEY WANT IF NOT JUST ME,MONTY KODY AND BROOKE AND ANGEL KOURTNEY...

CARLEY IS STILL IN HOSP AND WILL REMAIN TIL BRINLEY COMES......WHENEVER THAT IS..BRENT SAYS HE WONT GO BACK TO WORK TIL THEN..HOPE HE DONT GET FIRED...ASI SAID IM GOING TO OKC MONDAY TO DROP OFF MY WRECKED CAR AND I WILL SEE THEM THEN...

HAVE A BLESSED DAY...AND HELP ONE PERSON WITH WORDS OR KIND ACT...THATS ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE THE DIFF..AND OUR ANGELS WILL BE WATCHING AND CHEERING FOR YOU/US

[daveydow1]

Susan---So very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Andrew. I agree that

going back to work after losing a child can be so very challenging in so many

respects. I was rather pressured into returning to my job only 3 wks. after Davey

died. It was a mistake. I worked 2 mo., and since I was close to retiring anyhow,

I just resigned. It was a job I loved (library), but just couldn't be the "people

person" that the job required. I pray that somehow it will work out for you going

back to the workplace. Come back to BI.....we're always here. Peace & prayers,

Dee---Oh, I'm sorry.....I mis-typed ....All three young guys were from different

families. They were all prospective military recruits, heading to the recruiting

center in Cleveland when the accident happened. Same lousy road that Davey

died on (a different area, though)...middle of the day....sunny & dry.

Debbie---Thank you so much for the poem  "If Tomorrow Starts Without Me". That

it is one poem that will always bring  a tear to my eye. Peace to you, friend.

Susannah----I agree....any sign of some bit of remorse or regret would be welcome,

but alas, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Thanks for the lovely pics.

Claudia---That's true...not everything can be learned from a book. That woman,

Gwen, will no doubt have to talk with bereaved people in her ministry, and she is

so ill-prepared, and clueless....

Betty---I heard an owl at about 2:30 a.m. the other night. He must have been in

a tree near the house. I hadn't heard one for a long time.

Lorri---Such a nice pic of sweet Kourtney Angel. Thanks.

     Peace & Tranquility to all at BI.

               Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[summergirl]

Hello to all,

Dee, sounds like a wonderful, laugh filled night mixed with emotional tears...what a lovely tribute to your Eri...

So wonderful to come here and see the smiling faces of our Angels...

It is as always hard to read of the suffering we go through but uplifting to read of all the positive energy that the "oldies" send out...encouraging the new on this journey. With out BI I doubt I would have survived.   

Lori and I have been friends since 7th grade, we keep in touch but not as much as we would like. Her son Derek had some mental issues, nothing severe but ones he could not seem to overcome. It is so very heartbreaking to have one's child take their own life and to be left behind with no answer's - as we all are.  I will help her as best I can, she is very much in touch with God and believes it was his will to take Derek away from the pain he has suffered.

Was outside today doing some work in the yard....it has turned much colder, only around 55 and last Saturday it was close to 80. Not complaining as it is not raining or snowing.    I have no retreated to my chair and comfy's.

Love the pics being shown. I will do my best to catch up on all posts as soon as I can.

Love to all, Kathy

[shorty16]

Lorri - You will love San Antonio, TX.  Scott's older sister and her family lived there for about 5 years.  The River-Walk and Sea World sound like tons of fun.  I am praying for Carley as you visit them on Monday.  Good luck with getting your wrecked car fixed!!

Dee - Sun is shining by me too!!!  Brian and his friends made a ramp about 4 years ago to snowboard down our hill.  The ramp sat, falling apart behind our house.  Scott and I took it apart and made a raised flower bed out of the wood (we had to remove about 1000 screws).  I am proud of what we did together.  Took us almost 2 years to get up the strength to deal with it.

Bonnie - I recognize the view where Jason's photo and cross are placed.  The beauty is beyond words.  I am saying a prayer for Little-Blake.

Trudi - Good to see Mike's photo and to see the words of my friend down-under.  Love you

Susan - So new to us.  Welcome.  We have all lost a piece of ourselves.  My boy, Brian was 16 when he lost his life in a car crash.  I hear myself in your posts.  So many questions with no answers.  Take care of yourself and visit/post offen.  We know how sad this is.

Amanda - What a cutie he is.  Love to see his face!!

Susannah - Great old photo, I was married in 1988.  I am also praying for the 12 year old girl abducted from a near-by town.  You are becoming quite the posting guru - photos that look great!

Amy - Hang in there.  Sometimes, work takes your mind off the obvious.  Work did help me to exercise my mind and get some thoughts back to my head other than Brian being dead.  Here, we will always say Ashley's name!! ASHLEY

Marcia - Wishing you luck as you fly to your Mother and move her to North Carolina (I think).  Feel like saying Bethany's name BETHANY!!

Carol - Take care of that loving husband of yours.  Sounds like he is going to be around for a long while.  Good luck with your baseball team this year - Go BREWERS!!

Kathy - OMG I am so praying, thinking, and sending my warm hugs to your friend Lori in Georgia whose son Derek committed suicide.  She is lucky she has a friend like you.

To all my indigo friends, I worked very hard today in our yard.  Last summer, neither Scott nor I had any energy to pull any weeds, plant any flowers, or even enjoy the ones we had.  Our yard was a mess and ugly and we did not care.  It has been 22 months since Brian left us.  My energy is starting to come back.  I am hoping to keep this positive trek going. 

Have a wonderful day, my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, you have given all of those new here a big dose of hope, telling about your energy returning and how you hear yourself in the early posts of others. Nice going.

You have made giant leaps in your process, I am so glad for you and for the family too, and especially for Brian, who can smile hugely from heaven knowing that the difficult road you were thrust upon has led you to now.

Kath, so very sorry that your friend, Lorri has lost her Boy. Nothing easy about any of this. Not only does it throw you back into the times of loss, but it also breaks your heart for your friend. Somehow, I hope that she can feel peace one day.

Prayers All,

Kody, drive safely adn have fun,

Barry, keep walking and healing,

Ralph, praise all of our Angels as you find your blessings.

[summergirl]

Colleen and Dee - thank you my friends...it is so hard as I want to fly down and be with her but some things are not possible so the phone will have to be out contact. Yes, it threw me back...I stood in the kitchen last night making Barry is liquid dinner and suddenly found myself on the floor on my knees with the tears flowing like they did when I lost Jessica.....I cannot wrap my mind around all of this...the loss of a child, every day somewhere in the world another parent is feeling our pain, their lives changed forever.  I think back to the time before we lost Jessica and I think of how many times I heard or read of a young person who had died and would think "how sad" and then go on with my life, untouched by their loss, why should it effect me, I did not know them !!!  now I know, now I know. Now I am devasted by each loss knowing what each parent faces....how I wish I could reach out to each of them. I ask myself "will I ever really be happy again" and I know in my heart that I am happy to the extent that I can be....there is always a saddness in my heart even when I hear myself laugh...when I look in the mirror I see saddness in my eyes, the shine that was once there dimmed forever.   I am sad so forgive my sorrow that shows in this post....

Love to all and peace in your heart and souls. Kathy

[aim630]

Kathy-so sorry for your friend's loss. I'm sure just talking to you will help her. I've found that's what helps me the most-talking to others who have been through the same thing.

Dee-what a wonderful tribute to Erica. She obviously has lots of friends who love her and I'm sure she was smiling along with you. I love hearing from Ashley's friends, because I know she had an impact on their lives. Her softball coach told a great story about how she would apologize to girls after striking them out. She even once told someone not to swing at a ball. He said out of about 200 girls he had coached, he only remembered a handful, and she was one of them and was one of the top 2 pitchers he ever coached.

Susannah-I understand completely about the weight thing. I couldn't eat for about a week, but lately I've been eating everything in sight. I've gained at least 10 pounds (in 2 months). My clothes are starting not to fit. I just don't have the strength to try to diet or exercise right now.

Sherry-How sad to hear of 3 more families going through this terrible nightmare. I live in Ohio, where did the accident happen? A close friend of my brother who was only 25 (he is 16 years younger than me) died last week, possibly from a drug overdose. He was top of his class, working for a US senator, had everything going for him. His mother passed away a few years ago from cancer, and that is when he started drinking & doing drugs. When we read the obituary, we found out that his parents had also lost a daughter. So now the father has lost both his kids and his wife.

Susan-I understand completely about the guilt feelings. I still wonder if I could have done something to prevent Ashley's death. I was relying on the doctors and nurses, when I knew something was really wrong. They told me to calm down, nothing was wrong, and within 5 minutes, Ashley was code blue. I relive that night over & over again, I was by myself at the hospital because a big snowstorm was expected. We all thought she was recovering & would be home in a few weeks. I try to push those thoughts out of my head, then I feel guilty like I am forgetting about her if I don't think about it constantly. She did not live here anymore, so there are days it is easy for me to believe she's at work.

This site has helped me so much,I'm glad I found it. I appreciate all the kind words.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - The day is brighter for having seen Jay's face.  That smile, that awe inspiring memorial.  Hope to see it this time through.  Prayers for Blake.

Lorrie - Safe travels to Oklahoma.  Hope all goes well for Carley and Brent.

Colleen - Another smiling face its good to see.  Glad you and Scott go to work in the yard....nice use of the ramp.

Carol - Thoughts of you and Ralph as the weather there warms up.  Hope you are keeping well.

Dee - You stop out you. (lol). What a truly wonderful rememberance for Eri, laughter being the best medicine. I'm sure you felt your baby girl with you through the night.  The funds raised going to continue Erica Eileen Reiths impact on the world around her..

In-laws on the mend.  Father-in-law admitted for a possible 4 day stay. Sounded like he had a little congestive heart failure with the pneumonia so a stay will do him good.  Mother-in-law has upper resp problems. Antibiotics and rest.

Winter blows a chilling wind and I'm reminded that another year is passing.  Wondering if I wasn't always this way, lost in sea of ebb and flow emotions.  Losing Mike just amplifying it.

 

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Oh, the comedy club event…I wish so I could have been there with you…what a wonderful thing for them to do for the Erica Reith Fund…You are blessed to have such good friends of Eri’s to surround you with their love and memories and joy.   It was so great that Jonathan and Shannon got to go along, also.  And I am glad that you were able to stay awake. 

So, Betty, how did the shopping trip go?  I also needed some new things this year, but chose to pursue them on the internet…always easier for me…

Bonnie:  “I can remember sitting for hours looking out the window wondering why the birds were still singing. How could they sound so happy?”   I too can remember asking why did the usual things of the world continue, when the hole that was in my heart called for quiet, endless quiet, and joy no more!  I can remember when you first came to BI---you were so very lost, so very pained, reading your posts was painful, even for us going through the same thing…and yet we saw the veil lift over time, saw a posting of something good going on, now and then, and saw that you were healing some, like all of us…over time, slowly.   So hard, during those first weeks and months, to believe that anything good would ever enter our hearts again…certainly not a smile or a laugh…never…and yet…our angels have helped us come to realize that when we look, we can see some good, we can find a smile, or a laugh, or a good time…and eventually, again, over time, we will not feel the guilt we felt when we first heard our own laugh again…   I am so very sorry that losing Jason is what brought you here, but I am so glad that you found us and joined us and have been here since.   And, prayers for tiny Blake and his family as he struggles to become stronger. 

Trudi:  Glad to hear that FIL is doing better, though sorry about the whole event...likely being in hospital now is what he needs.   And MIL, also…I hope she is better soon.   I think the stress of all this information he’s needed to process and thinking about the possibilities of what’s going on has caused Ralph to have an exacerbation of the COPD---he’s been coughing so much more, and seems to wear out and become breathless so much easier.  We go to the urologist on Monday, hopefully we will find out that his exacerbation is just stress and nothing more. 

Susan and Amy:  All of those “I wish I had…” have tormented our hearts and minds, as well…no matter what we “did,” of “didn’t do” as the case may be, it will never be enough to satisfy us…more time spent with them, more talking, more interacting, more caring, more of anything…we want it, we wish it had been more--- we know in our hearts that it was, but it will never be enough for us.   I am so sorry for this pain that you are feeling, for this loss that you are living with…the loss of your precious Andrew and Ashley…they are with you, always and everywhere...but oh how great it would be to hold their hand once again!

Susannah:  Prayers for the 12 yr old girl and her family, that she will be returned soon and without any harm having come to her.  The worst pain of all…not knowing.    I am glad that you were able to share your journal entries with Gary, and some of your feelings…that closeness with each other is so important… I love the picture of the kids…thanks for sharing. 

Colleen:  the woman studying to be a preacher…oh my, she has a lot to learn…I hope she never has to learn it first hand, but I hope she is able to talk to enough people who can help her try to understand, so she will be able to minister to those who will need her.   I am so glad that you were able to get out and work in your garden…another of those things left by the wayside that we gradually get back to, over time, when it is right for us. 

Lorri:  I love the reflection picture…so beautiful, of Kourt and of you…I hope Kody did well tonight at the races and stayed safe.

Betsy:  Hope you are doing well...Sherry, so sorry to hear of those three young men, having their lives cut short just as it was beginning, how tragic.  Prayers for their families.  Kathy:  Also so very sorry to hear about your friend's son...your meltdown was totally understandable.  Prayers also for your friend, Lori.  I am glad that she has you to talk with, though sorry for the reason you will understand her feelings.  I hope Barry is doing better with getting around.

I had two wonderful things happen to me today that I would like to share…first, when I went to get my breakfast this morning, I was lazy and just having a bowl of cereal.  When I poured out the sugar (we just have it in a jar), a clump fell out, in the perfect shape of a heart, about the size of a nickel…just sitting there, on top of the cereal, like a gift.  Thanks Mike.   Later, we went out and I decided to stop at the Home Depot to scope out a new faucet for our kitchen.  We don’t really need a new one, but can’t figure out how to fix the old one (“old,” as in just over a year old).  So, I am walking up and down, looking at the 4 thousand or so they have on display (a bit of exaggeration there), and I turn to look for someone to help me, thinking to myself, Home Depot is one of those places where you can be among 300 people and still feel completely alone.  When I turn, I am face to face with a wall of bathroom faucets.  I don’t need one.  Wasn’t even thinking of one, but I stopped and stood there, just looking at them.  I was barely conscious of someone standing beside me, about 3-4 feet away.  I could see them out of my side vision, but didn’t pay attention.  (Home depot can do that to you!)  Then I noticed they were looking at me, so I looked over. We both started to  absentmindedly move apart to give each other more” looking room,” and both realized at the same time…me, that it was Cathi, my daughter, and she, that it was her mother beside her!   Now, she lives in another town, in another state actually, about 20 or so miles over the border, and 30-35 miles from me, and generally does her shopping near her house, so we NEVER run into each other in a store.  I haven’t been to Home Depot since I don’t know when, and neither has she.  We had not planned on seeing each other this weekend...she is trying to finish up some fixing up at her house...What a sweet surprise to wind up just 3 feet apart so unexpectedly.  Another gift.  I feel blessed.

Claudia, Marcia, Sonya, Leah---so good to hear from you, but so very sorry about your not having heard from your daughter...Dan and Greg...and all of our Indigos...I hope you all have a sweet Sunday, doing whatever you might want to do, or doing nothing at all…if that is what you want. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

So hard, during those first weeks and months, to believe that anything good would ever enter our hearts again…certainly not a smile or a laugh…never…and yet…our angels have helped us come to realize that when we look, we can see some good, we can find a smile, or a laugh, or a good time…and eventually, again, over time, we will not feel the guilt we felt when we first heard our own laugh again…

Carol,

I can walk backwards through my mind and remember these days ...... and yes, I whole heartedly agree that our angels help us navigate this journey. 

What a coincidence to run into your daughter in Home Depot ..... but a very cool one!!

Kathy,

How is your hubby doing? 

We are now among the ranks of the employed again!  As I know more, I will share. Seems like a good thing .......

Our sweet E is having such a time with her Mom.  Mom will not believe her and has even gone as far as to tell her she thinks she "dreamed" the abuse .....

E has been quiet ..... I think it's depression and the realization that she may not go home.  She seems to be losing hope but she still has some spirit left .....

Life can be tough for these children!

Well, off to get ready for church. Hope you all have a good sunshiny kind of day ....

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Momma

[Guest]

Carol - How fun for you and your daughter to run into each other in such a surprising way.  Did you both start laughing?  Did you get a faucet?

Bonnie - Thinking of you as you face another angelversary, if the cheat sheet is correct. 

Wishing you all a good day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, have a wonderful day with Rich and Em. I hope that some words at church or a song on the radio will spark a note of beauty today for you, a message from your Boy. I am so in awe of what you are doing to help raise E. As she struggles with those who are of her blood, you are there to understand just who she is and why she is struggling. I hate that people actually want to convince children that it was them who dreamed this crap up, that is not dream, that is a nightmare and when it is happening in the house on aregular basis, a living nightmare. Good for you to be her solid parents. Thanks from my heart that was so wounded as a girl Em's age.

Carol, I am grinning ear to ear at the thought of you and Cathi being in the same store, same aisle looking at the same items...thanks Mike.I would have peed my pants laughing.

Could the extra pollen in the air be aggravating Ralph's allergies?Prayers for good doc visit tomorrow.

Trud, glad that the in-laws are being cared for and on the mend. 

[shorty16]

Bonnie Said:  "and eventually, again, over time, we will not feel the guilt we felt when we first heard our own laugh again…"

WOW if that is not the truth.  The first time I laughed after Brian's death, the guilt of enjoying life when my son is dead, was over-whelming to me.

It does get better.  We all deserve to be happy.  We are all great parents and would have traded places with out kids in a NEW-YORK-MINUTE

Colleen, Love you my boy, Brian 

[lolynbo]

KODY GOT 5TH AGAIN THIS TIME OUT OF 19 CARS...BUT HE WON HIS HEAT RACE..(DETERMINES HOW THEY LINE UP FOR THE RACE)....GOOD DUSTY SAFE NIGHT...THANKS FOR THE WELL WISHES..

KATHY THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR DEAR FRIEND LORI....I TOO LOST MY BFF (BESIDES KOURTNEY)...A FEW MONTHS B4 KOURTNEY..I DIDNT EVEN GET TO GO TO HER FUNERAL CUZ WE WERE WITH KOURTNEY LYNN AT HOSP...

KODY AFTER HE PACKED THE TRACK, AND READY TO RACE MOMMA

[ericasmom]

Congrats Kody, 5th is darn good. I am a wimp however adn would not be able to watch. I love the photo Lor, of you shining next to your Girl.

I am at school doing a bit of work, going home soon, just wanted to touch base.

Love,

dee