Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

I, like all here, don't know what I would do without BI.  Marcia, I know that the pain you felt when telling your story of Bethany was great, as great as the day it all happened...like Trudi, I saw the look in your eyes when you showed us the dvd of your sweet child when we were in Minneapolis...when each of us tells "the story" of how our child died, it does help to heal us, as Dee said.  Even though we may not feel it at the time, later-- days, weeks or even months later-- we feel that small amount of healing.  And  then, we have days like Kathy did tonight, after she put Tavian to bed.  I am so sorry, Kathy, and I hope that tomorrow finds you with a smile on your lips over some sweet memory that comes to mind...

I spent the afternoon today with Mike's mother-in-law and his youngest, Damon.  She needed to go to the doctor, and since I am home during the day, I take her to the doctor to save Sarah from having to take time off from work.  Damon comes with us and keeps us company.  She usually doesn't like to talk much about Mike, though she doesn't mind listening to me recall something about him...she doesn't have any pictures of him out in her apt; she's told me that she can't; she says the pain is just too much to look at them.  But, today, for some reason, she was talking about Mike, and listening to me talk about him.  We told some stories, and I am so grateful for this afternoon... these are the days that find me slipping, back, steps back, like Kathy did tonight.  Mike's angelversary is two weeks from Wednesday....I wonder how many more times I will slip into that pit between now and then...it will be three years this year...how have I not seen or heard my son in three years and not gone insane?  As Lorri said:  ""Wish I had died instead of You," then I thought I did."  My husband's birthday is two days before Mike's angelversary.  It is really hard to get myself in a frame of mind to celebrate his birthday, and to get HIM in the frame of mind to celebrate his birthday, when it is so close to the worst day of our lives.   But we know that that is what Mike would want us to do... when Mike had his own last birthday celebration, August 20, 2006, he asked his dad, "well, what milestone should I shoot for next?" meaning pretty much "what shall I use my strength to try to reach before I die? "  He mentioned Thanksgiving...his dad said, "Mike, why don't we take little steps and make my birthday (Oct 12) the next goal..."  Mike said, "Yes, dad, that sounds like a good idea."  Forty days later, 12 days before that shot-for birthday, Mike was confined to bed, for what we knew would be his last days of his life.  Mike struggled so hard to make it to his dad's birthday.  The weekend prior to that day, Mike entered into "the final stages of dying" and we knew likely that he would not make it through the next weekend.  He died on that next Saturday night.  On the morning of his dad's birthday, two days before Mike passed, he lost the use of his voice late that morning.  When we brought in his dad's cake, next to Mike's bed, I saw Mike mouthing the words to Happy Birthday for his dad...when the song was finished, he held up his thumb and managed a weak smile to let me know that "I did it!"  I remember feeding him a small bite of the birthday cake, and then his closing his eyes to sleep again.  I sat there for a long time, looking at him, wondering how much longer I would have with him here to do that, yet knowing in my heart that I hoped it wouldn't be long, because he needed to be released from this life, from this suffering, from this anticipation of his own impending death.   Oh, God, how can we get through this time again? How can we get to the other side of this terrible day yet again?  I pray, give us strength. 

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE, we miss you so very, very much...     

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I heard your words with your voice in my head behind them. I read Marcia's words regarding Bethany with her voice in my head .......

I'm almost a month away from Jason's birthday, and I too struggle to find joy in the time we had and not wallow in what has been lost.

I'm usually stoic, especially when reading the postings but lately it seems I'm always on the verge of tears.

There are times I scream the word, 'WHY" in my mind.  I just want to know why our children were chosen. But I also think, why not my child.  Why someone elses?

So now we do what we can to honor our children and to keep that memory alive. That's why Pinnacle Days started.  As a way to celebrate the life of Jason and to raise funds for ARVD research so that we might spare another parent the grief of losing a child.

Marcia mentioned recently that she and Larry were driving and she told him that she wanted their old life back.  Rich and I had almost the same conversation at about the same time.

I just want him back.

Would someone please bring him home?  He's been gone too long now.

Blessings to all this Tuesday morning.........

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[hotrod]

Bonnie, Carol, Terrie, Dee, MaryAnn,Trudi, Sherry, Lorri, Hosslismom and Marcia and Everyone else I might have missed.

Each day I read your posting and experience your joy and pain and identify with your messages.  The last few days have been very powerful, for me as I can really idenify with the thoughts.

"I too  died the day Stephen passed ,5-6-07 and  want my old life back.  Every day since it has been a struggle to make it thru  without him. 

That is the reason I did not post often as I feel  I have no positive energy to share with the group.

I find I can welcome a newcomer and that feels good.

Making the flag for Bonnie's celebration of Jason, felt like  powerful recovery for me. I actually felt happy for the first time in so very long.

I  wanted to thank everyone who takes the time to share their journey each day and try to explain my lack of participation.

I pray we all have a Blessed Day

Betty

Stephen's Mom

 

[holliesmom]

Betty,

I feel the same way about posting. Not wanting to transfer my desperation and despair. I have not found anything positive since my sweet Hollie was taken so violently and horribly. She didn't deserve to die like that, without her family and maybe wanting her mommy. I am struggling with the words "death on impact" and "before she knew anything". How do they really know it was immediate? No one witnessed the accident and no one really knows what time it happened. That is why I wish everyday I would get some sign from my baby that she's okay and at peace. I did have one dream with her and of course I grabbed her and starting hugging her and crying. She seemed shocked at my reaction, so I'm a little scared that she doesn't know what's happened to her. I have not had a dream with her since. I don't know what I expected, but I would love her to tell me she's happy and okay.

Sorry, I know this is part of my desperation, but I felt you all would understand and maybe offer some of your experiences of dreaming of your children.

I wish you all some peace and perhaps a lovely little dream with your "babies".

Dawn

[mysonrich]

My son Richard. I wasn't able to see him  in person. When I finally made it to NJ/Southeast Pa, he was at the morgue and the Bucks County Pa Coroner said it was late, 11:30, and I would have to come in the morning. I was ALLOWED to view my son on a monitor. While gazing upon his face  I knew he was no longer here. I concentrated on his flowing blond hair, shoulder length. That was my boy. Our funeral director said that I shouldn't see him after the autopsy. I took him at his word. I told Richs dad that I never got to see him. How could I comprehend this horror when I couldn't talk to him, touch his face, give him a hug ? How could I make this real? Rich's dad said, " Bet's, it isn't Rich anymore. I touched his foot when "they" took him away and said, Good Bye bud".  Rich's dad was with him whle he was at home.  . Just lately I have thought of this and remember the saying, " God doesn't give us more then we can handle". Maybe its best that I didn't see him hours after he died. I just think of his hair. And it did still have a tinge of red, in the sunlight. I do know that he looked as if he was asleep. He was.

 

 

Betty, your banner came out great. That is a good idea. I understand why you read and post, when you can, just like the rest of us.

 

MaryAnn, thanks for the comment about Rich's picture. We  had a good time that night.

 

Bonnie, the banner making is therapeutic.I'm still working on Richs.

 

Collen, the wind is blowing down the valley as I type. Again, blah. Its nice to hear and see your son enjoying his life. You're a strong mom.

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love that photo of Rich, how handsome that Boy is. Holy Cow. How are you feeling these days, your physical health?

I know for me, the more I take time for walking and riding my bike, the better I am emotionally. That inter-connectedness of mind and body can't be stressed enough. One thing affects the other, and while I know that nothing can make us heal altogether, I do know that healing is an ongoing activity, one that takes our work and hope and active participation.

Betty, I know what you mean when you said that making theflags has given you something to smile about. Making the flags is one way that has made it evident that this focused work is a healing activity.( hey Bon, never wonder if you make a difference okay?)

Maybe then, thinking of some other activities that involve the grace of our Children, volunteering at a literacy center, soup kitchen, shelter, senior home, dog shelter...some area that would have interested your Child, or an area that you know would make a difference that helps your heart feel that the day or the week held some special kind of activity, a way to feel you have something to give.

Hollismom, it will be some time before you begin to feel that there are good moments in a day, but you will, swear to the Heavens.Signs and dreams, they will occur. I will write about dreams later, too busy at school in a minute to indulge here. Maybe tomorrow when I have time, busy tonight until bedtime probably. Yikes.

[bjsmom]

Dawn(Holliesmom), my son is Bj and he died on Nov 9th, 2008 at the age of 19. Bj's car was struck by a police cruiser, who was reportedly on a burglary call, as Bj attempted to cross 2 lanes. The cruiser t-boned his car, hitting him directly on his driver door; Bj died instantly of blunt force trauma. The time was just after midnight, he was pronounced at 12:30am. Bj had just begun attending a community college an hours drive from our home. The wreck happened near Jackson Ms in a small town called Brandon; this was Bj's first visit to Brandon, he was meeting his college roommate who lived there. We never received any calls or visits from any police, local or otherwise. At 3:15am we were awoken by a call from a friend telling us of the wreck & Bj's death. I remember screaming, crying, then jumping up to awake our 2 younger boys. I had to get them dressed & ready, i had to see Bj. While my husband took the boys to his brothers house, i called the police dept. They would tell me very little but gave me the number to the hospital where Bj was taken. After talking to the attending physician, who had actually pronounced Bj, we left for the 1.5 hr drive there. I needed to see him, be with him, i had to see him with my own eyes. I vaugely remember the drive. After arriving we sat down with the attending physician who told us what little he knew, what little he was told by the police. As we stood up to go inside, i had to ask the doctor, "is his body ok?". I had started to worry what i might see & wanted to be somewhat prepared. The doctor assured me that it would be ok. We walked in, Bj was laying on a table only covered in a white sheet. His head & ears were bandaged, the nurse said he was bleeding from his ears. I kissed him, talked to him and brushed his little goatee with my hands; ever loving him as his mother. I truly feel that Bj's presence was in the room, waiting for my arrival for he knew that i would come. I will not ever regret seeing my sons body that morning, the only regret i have is that i did not stay longer. The nursing staff was wonderful, telling me that i could stay as long as i needed. I should have stayed with him, i was not strong enough. Because the wreck involved the police, Bj was to have an autopsy. The next day the family met for the funeral decisions, i asked the funeral director if i could see Bj again. He said yes, that Bj was brought to them the night before & he was there at the funeral home. The family walked in with me, everyone except me seeing Bj for the first time, everyone grieving in their own way. All i could do was look at his beautiful face & remember all the memories we had made together. I believe i went into shock. As his father & fathers side of the family greeted everyone that lined up & came to see Bj at his visitation, i could only walk around like a zombie. I spoke to few people, would walk inside to see Bj, then walk back outside again. Selfish as i was, i wanted to avoid everyone. I did not want to talk! I wanted my son back, i wanted answers. To this day i am still awaiting those answers. The heartfelt pain does not cease and life has a way of moving forward without you. I, too, often thought about Bj's last moments. Did he suffer, does he know what happened to him, does he know where he is, was he guided? I will share my dream in a future posting. I have found that some postings completely drain you but are a necessary release. My thoughts are with you & yours, Deneace(BjsMom)

[hotsauce]

Bonnie, sounds like so much fun, those "sky lanterns" sound so cool.

 

Deneace, sorry about your angel Bradley, i to ask the same questions, does he know he is dead, what happen to him, does he know where he is.  i think we all wonder the same things.  but Lorri did say it right "we all died the same time our child died"

 

like eveyone here told me, reading is good, but sometimes you just have to let your feeling out. 

 

mary ann

[ericasmom]

Anytime at all that you want to let it all out, this is the place, anytime. We will read and hold you as you tell your story, tell your heartache. We are not the same after we lose a child, why would we be? We are not the same after having a child right? So of course we are different now. Eventually, yu find what you would like to do in your life that is different. Never hesitate to post because you are afraid you haven't anything positive to say, just say what is inside you. You won't scare anyone away, you won't bring us down, we all know what that is inside that needs to come out. Mary Anne is right, sometimes you just need to let it out.

[mysonrich]

in answer to:

Rich went to a Metallica concert in Phila.,  Jan. 17,'09 with his g/f and 2 other friends. They shared some beer, a 6 pack between 4.he called his sister, she lived in Phila and asked her where the store was. She called him back and told her they had found a place. They went to a diner after and he had a cheeseburger. They all went back to Rich's and g/f home, bs'ed a little. Rich and g/f went to bed, the 2 friends were still there. g/f asked Rich to check the doors, see if the other 2 were spending the night. When he went back out, the other 2 had left. he next morning, she woke up because Rich was snoring and sweating. She told him to move over and got up to make coffee. Having worked in a Dr's office in the past, she realized that he wasn't sweating. She turned and looked at him, he looked like he was sleeping,he had a habit of sleeping with one eye particularly closed. weird when he was little too. She screamed at him, smacked his cheeks. Started cpr. Called the EMT's, while tring to preform cpr the firehouse siren went off, across the street almost. G/f thought his chest was moving. I don;t know. She checked his airway, she thought maybe it was blocked. The EMT's arrived and did nothing. I have concluded that he died before they arrived. They stuck a couple monitors on his chest and that was it. The coroner arrived 4 hours later, probably out playing golf that morning, he was a jerk to say the least. The did blood and urine.  They took 4 more months to check for heavy metals and toxins. nothing. ' Microscopic examination of the heart revealed fibromuscular scarring of the interior surfaces of the left main descending coronary artery". Rich's dad had a heart attack at 40. hey brought him back 3 times, he was in a coma for a week, triple bypass, defibrillator now. Richs dad said he doesn't remember anything. I would like to think my son didn't feel or know anything either. I don't know..

[heartbeataway]

Betsey,

Jason died a sudden heart death (ARVD) also. And we had to wait for autopsy and pathology just as you did.  It's so hard to understand, isn't it?

Thank you.  I'm sure this wasn't an easy story to share.

Does anyone know what a "silent heart attack" means?  Rich went for a physical today and the doctor told him that his EKG had blips indicative of a silent heart attack. 

He told him not to worry.  That's easier said than done, I'm totally freaking!

What next??

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

I am so very sorry for those of you who had to deal with police/medical people in connection with the passing of your child, and the cases where the police were less than helpful, and in some cases, particularly adding to the stress and pain you were feeling at the time by their action/lack of action.  It just seems that these people, of all people, would have been trained in the psychological aspect of dealing with someone who has just had a terrible loss.  I know that it has been difficult to share your stories, but I thank you for the sharing...we all know that in the long run, it is the sharing, talking, being answered, that helps us the most and does lend some healing to this journey.   Our pain and confusion and shock at this most devestating of times does enough to us, without added stress and shock. 

Bonnie:  I can understand why you are freaking out about what Rich's doctor said to him...I don't know anything about "silent heart attack," but I still am a little surprised that he didn't tell Rich a little more.  Perhaps you could call him and ask some more questions?   I would want to know everything there is to know, as I am sure you are of the same mindset...I don't know if you've done any research yet, but I do know that sometimes looking it up on the internet only adds to the confusion.  I think I would make an appt with the dr and bring a list of questions.  I don't know how Rich would feel about this, but hopefully he will have some questions also.   Thinking of you...ps:  I also hear your voice and see your face in the back of my mind when I read your posts now...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[zachysmom]

I had good and bad experiences with the police when my son died. One of the officers who was at the hospital when my baby was officially passed immediately got on his cell phone and called the officer who was with my husband and told him to turn off any radios around my husband and to get him to the hospital asap. Another officer kept my melodramitic mother in law away from me. He understood I didn't need any fool making things harder. The older detective who was involved in the case was very helpful and understanding. The other detective was the jack*** . He tried to get my husband to say that the gun was within reach of our baby. I thank every one who was there that night I know they did all they could. I knew my baby died in my arms he took 2 breaths and he was gone. He was so pale and still and the sparkle was gone from his eyes. I knew it was just a shell in my arms. My angel was safe in gods arms. I know what will be years to me will be mere seconds to my baby.

[shorty16]

HI my BI friends,

All is great in Wisconsin other than the weather.

Thinking of you all

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

[nicksdad]

 Not sure if this has been posted in the past or not, but my sister sent it to me tonight.

"I Spoke With My Child"

http://www.ispokewithmychild.com/presentation.htm

[briansdad]

Thought I'd post a few pics from the show.

[summergirl]

"I wish I had died instead of my child, I did" - so true, so true !!  I now call this life we lead "life after Jessica", our other life was "life with Jessica" !!  How do we do what we do, how do we still breathe - because we do it for our child "we live for them". Yes, having Tavian has definitley been a life line for me because all of my grief, pain was put into taking care of this precious 4 year old who had no idea where his mommy went and why she wasn't coming back, then the custody battle. Did I ever grieve as "you are supposed too"?? I do not know because I do not believe there is any one set way of grieving. All I know is I miss my daughter the same today as the day she left us.    I wonder still if she had that one moment where Tavian crossed her mind before God took her home - even thought the doctor, the coroner all said she "went instantly, no time to blink an eye" I still wonder.  I believe that Jessica knows exactly where she is, I believe she knows exactly what happened and that she is the reason that I go forward each day because she wants me too, she needs me too for myself and for Tavian.    As for dreams - well I had two dreams of Jessica - Tavian and I were standing on a very tall hill overlooking a beautiful valley and Jessica was walking away from us, dressed in a beautiful white flowing gown, she kept walking away, never looked back as Tavian and I stood holding hands.   The other one was just me in a huge castle sitting by myself on a stone bench while all of these people I did not know danced all around me, I had my head down looking at the floor and suddenlu Jessica was next to me, she would not look at me but her words were so clear "it is ok mom, everything is ok" and then she was gone. No dreams since.       I also at times, to keep myself sane, tell myself that Jessica is on a very long vacation and will be home some day soon, I know it sounds crazy but well we do what we have to do to make it through.   Time has made my life softer and I smile, laugh, talk, do things with my friends, I have a life - it is just very different.

Bonnie thanks, I thought it was you about the frog blanket but wanted to be sure - I will get it done soon I promise.

It is so good to see the new ones posting - what a family we are, strung together by our grief, love and selflessness, to bring each other comfort when no one else can. I am proud to be here and pray that all new to this site stay with us.

The mini-hot air balloons are amazing - I first saw them when we were camping at the beach and some people let them off - I walked down and asked them where they got them and they actually sell them right in town so if anyone would like one I will gladly buy some and send them out - they are so beautiful and until you actually see on floating in the sky you can not understand the beauty of them.

Trudi - mother nature sure is something and I hope that the sun shines on your face and warms you - your Mike is there with you, I just know it.

Time for Tavian to go to bed so I will say good night to all and pray for comfort and peace to your hearts.  Love, Kathy    Jessica, Jessica, Jessica

[arc4ever]

Very unprofessional day at work yesterday.  I know you would all understand and thankfully, my new co-worker was very kind and sweet.

Basically this, I work in the federal court system and was in court out of town the Thursday and Friday before Adam passed the following Tuesday.  I took Adam with me as he was on spring break from school.  He hung out in the hotel, worked out, came over to the courthouse and met lots of folks there (very thankful for that - it was their only opportunity to meet him).  Anyway, while we were there, on Thursday me, Adam, a prior co-worker (we have people that come for one year terms then leave and then another person comes for a one year term) and two young women who worked for a different court all went to lunch together.  Adam participated in the conversation at lunch and had just a regular nice time.  We all left and all was well.  On Tuesday Adam was in his accident and passed away.  The following September we hired one of the young women who were at lunch with us that day.  We hire one year out from when the folks start so basically she just started work with me on Monday.  My boss comes in Monday morning and wants us all to go to lunch with him.  That's fine, no biggie it will be nice to get out for lunch.  Then it dawned on me "the new girl doesn't know that Adam died!!!"  I am in great fear that she will bring him up in conversation at lunch and I will fall apart.  So I went and asked my only other co-worker who works permanently if he would tell the new girl about Adam, which he kindly did.  Went to lunch, all went well.  End of the day everyone is gone but me and the new girl and we are talking and I just started crying, she was so sweet and so sympathetic and spoke very highly of Adam she just hugged me.  I just wanted her to understand that there are days I am not the friendly person I used to be, and days I sit at my desk and cry, and days when in desparation I have to flee my work for the day.  She seemed to understand or at least have compassion for why I may have these moments.  She asked, if it happens do you want to talk, do you want me to leave you alone?  I told her I don't know I just take them as they come.  But the bottom line is this nice woman got to meet my boy and now, by chance we are working together for a year.  Maybe it will  help me.

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[lolynbo]

WOW NICKS DAD..HOW TRUE ARE THE QUESTIONS???/HOW SO VERY TRUE...

[arc4ever]

Another post. (I seem to post in groups)

I can't seem to find the energy to speak with family or friends.  They call, they text, they email.   I try, but really can't seem to bring myself to respond.  I did finally respond to one friend and told her I was alive just having a really hard time.

My mother, whom I love very much, but we don't talk often (I saw her on September 15th at Adam's memorial cross country run, and the time before that was June 28.)  She has not phoned me at all during that long stretch of time.  My mom sent me an email saying she knows we are hurting, that she and my dad are hurting too, that they love Adam and they love us.  Am I being a complete bi-ch of a daughter, I really don't want to talk to her.  What do I have to say?  "Oh mom, I spent last week putting together poster boards with pictures of my dead son to raise money at his memorial cross country race, tonight I started working on a banner for my dead son to be included with all the other children who have died so that some wonderful people who don't know me at all will be kind enough to hang the banner in honor of our children."  They cannot understand our pain, and to be honest, I don't think my mother can really help to ease it either.  I don't want to spend time with my family.  I WANT MY FAMILY, the one with me and Paul and Adam, it was ALWAYS just the three of us.  I am now clinging to Paul as he is with me. He is the only thing on earth here that I am comfortable with.  He is the only person who understands me completely, and I understand him.

I have no desire to see old friends, to see family, to do anything except just be left alone.  I can talk to you people as you understand, other than that I am pretty darn limited as to who I feel comfortable with.

Has anyone else felt this need to cut yourself off from the world?

PS:  One quick dream I had of Adam early on.  Adam came to me and he just said "I'm okay mom, and you'll be okay too".  That was wonderful.  I occasionally have dreams where he is just there in the dream, and have had a few where I realize while dreaming that he is dead. (those are not good ones!)

[holliesmom]

Nicksdad-that was absolutely beautiful and I sent the link to my husband. I've been struggling with my beliefs and that helped a little. I so want to believe I will see my sweet Hollie again.

Terrie-I too have days at work where I just want to be left alone or I just break down in tears. I just don't know what I want-other than my baby back with her family. I have moments where I say to myself "Hollie will be back, she's just out right now". But then it all comes crashing down on me. I can't even go in her room and I have not allowed anyone to touch it. I don't want it to turn in to a dusty, cobwebbed museum, but I just feel like if we leave everything the way it was, clothes strewn about, note cards all over the desk, her flat iron and makeup out, there is still a chance it's not real. I know this bothers her Dad and sister, but they have respected my wishes and not touched anything. She wouldn't want anyone touching her stuff anyway. That's still a struggle for me. I don't want to invade her most private of things, but I also want to know everything about her.

Maybe some of you can give me advice about her brother. He and Hollie didn't always have the best relationship. He felt we were too easy on her and she felt we favored him. They fought alot through the teenage years, but seemed to be getting closer. She had visited him at college a few months before she was killed. They were supposed to go to the beach together for spring break a week after. But he was really tough on her before he went to college. He would say some really mean things and they would fight alot. He even said he hoped she died in an accident one summer when they were fighting. He seems to be dealing with her death ok, but he doesn't talk about her much. In fact neither of the two kids talk about Hollie much. I don't know if it's too painful for them, but it hurts my feelings and I feel like they're forgeting her. I feel like they tense up when I metion her name. Maybe they think I'm going to break down everytime I hear her name. My son and I have always been really close. In fact it caused a lot of arguments between Hollie and I. She felt I favored him. Now I wonder if I did. Hollie and I had definitely gotten closer since my son left for college. Now I feel like my son and I have drifted apart somewhat. He and I have even gotten into arguments because I feel he's being mean sometimes. Funny thing is, that's what Hollie used to say about him. Am I just transferring her feelings to me, or is he really mean? Am I just seeing it now? He has asked me things like "do you just listen to Hollie's music all the time"? Anyway I wish he would see someone about his sisters' death. I feel like he's not dealing with it and I'm afraid it will come back to haunt him. Is he feeling guilty and not wanting to deal with those emotions? I can talk to Hollie's sister a little more, but sometimes she is closed off. I've asked her to see our counselor, but she is not interested. I can't force her, but I'm worried about her feelings too.

Thanks again for letting me vent. It has helped me to just get it out.

Peace to all and love to our children from their forever parents.

Dawn

[holliesmom]

Oh Terrie, I'm exactly the same way. I don't talk to anyone except my husband. I don't want to talk to anyone. I too want my family back. The five of us. We moved to SC when my kids were very young and have no family here, so we always stuck together. The five of us went everywhere together. My husband and I have never been on a vacation without the kids. We would get in the car sometimes and just go up to the mountains in North Carolina. We would stop at a cool looking stream or river and just goof around. We have driven the blue ridge parkway so many times, just taking time to enjoy the scenery and picnic wherever we wanted to. Ah, I miss those days...

My mom and I are actually not talking right now. She has been so unsupportive throught this whole tragedy. Early on, she would break down so bad, I couldn't even talk to her. So I just pulled further and further away. About a month ago she sends me this hurtful email telling me how this has affected her and nobody realizes how much. She said I was using Hollie as an excuse. How could she say those words to me? She claims that she and Hollie were close and this bothers me because I know it's not true. She also told me that Hollie wanted to go and live with her. I know when Hollie was going through her rough teenage years she told me one time to just let her live in Florida. But she was planning on moving back to Florida to go to school and she absolutely did not want to live with my mom. She had outgrown that phase, but my mom is choosing to use it against me. I think she's actually jealous that she's not getting as much attention as she would like. After the first email, I gently reminded her that we have just lost our daughter and she really needed to think about what she was saying. She chose to email back a rant about how mean everyone has been to her, including my son because he told her to keep it together at the funeral. She was really being loud and it was upsetting me, so I'm sure he told her to keep it together. She just went on and on in this email about how horrible her life is now that the one person who loved her is gone. The one person she had a special relationship with is gone, etc. It has been mind blowing. I think she has gone insane, so I just choose not to respond. I don't want to talk to anyone else, what am I supposed to say when they ask how I'm doing? Horrible, terrible, depressed, miserable? That's not what they want to hear, so why should we talk? I'm just pulling away because they'll never understand. They'll never be able to make me feel better.

When people ask if they can do anything, should I tell them what I really want to say? Give me my daughter back!!! I miss you so much Pretty-Mommy loves you punkin!

 

[averysdad]

A couple of hours from now, 2 years ago my world came crashing down when the police knocked on our door to tell us our son, Avery was dead, killed in a highway traffic accident. The day before his and his twin sisters 17th birthday, Oct 1st. As it turns out we spent his birthday making funeral arrangements. The hospital where he was taken, and where we had to identify him was the same hospital he was born in 17 years earlier, almost to the day.

This is the memoriam that will be ran in the local newspaper

  

Do not judge a song by its duration

Nor by the number of its notes

Judge it by the richness of its contents

Sometimes those unfinished are among the most poignant…

Do not judge a song by its duration

Nor by the number of its notes

Judge it by the way it touches and lifts the soul

Sometimes those unfinished are among the most beautiful…

And when something has enriched your life

And when it’s melody lingers on in your heart.

Is it unfinished?

Or is it endless?

I know I've posted these before, but some may not have seen them, a vidoe and a photo book of our son.

http://preview.picaboo.com/Webview/CoverPage.aspx?album=000000000001D47DBC&user=000000000001CAEF20

 

I visit here often, most everyday, not often posting, but always reading and thinking of all our children.

Dale

[hotrod]

Dale

What a Beautiful memorial and video of your precious son Avery!!!

I am wishing your son a:

 Happy Birthday and Angel Day. 

 I know how you miss him.

 I too visit daily but seldom post.

Betty

Stephen's mom

[mikesmum]

[user=22626]hotrod[/user] wrote:

Bonnie, Carol, Terrie, Dee, MaryAnn,Trudi, Sherry, Lorri, Hosslismom and Marcia and Everyone else I might have missed.

Each day I read your posting and experience your joy and pain and identify with your messages.  The last few days have been very powerful, for me as I can really idenify with the thoughts.

"I too  died the day Stephen passed ,5-6-07 and  want my old life back.  Every day since it has been a struggle to make it thru  without him. 

That is the reason I did not post often as I feel  I have no positive energy to share with the group.

I find I can welcome a newcomer and that feels good.

Making the flag for Bonnie's celebration of Jason, felt like  powerful recovery for me. I actually felt happy for the first time in so very long.

I  wanted to thank everyone who takes the time to share their journey each day and try to explain my lack of participation.

I pray we all have a Blessed Day

Betty

Stephen's Mom

 

 Betty - When I post about my grandies it connects me to a life before Mike died. There is a sembelance of the person who was for the briefest of times. The spectre of who I am now encases me and I am scattered in my thoughts, emotions, tired beyond belief with little left. 

For me its as though I died 10.20am Thursday 18th January 2007. Everything about me altered, my beliefs, my abilities and my connection with the world I once knew. 

I would like to believe I share positives here, but truth be told its when I am at my lowest and my energy is all but gone, here is where the posts of others show me I am not alone and that some days its softer than others.....

Bonnie  - Silent heat attack just means there was no 'chest pain' and that damage to the cardiac muscle might be missed as it doesn't present with the normal Q wave on a normal ECG.  Here its treated as seriously as a 'normal' heart attack. For peace of mind and better understanding you need to speak to the Dr and ask him questions.  Like, has this affected the cardiac muscle, can it lead to another attack, is Rich at risk and what can be done to prevent it happening??!!! 

Dan - Thank you for that link.....tears tears tears......I talk to Mike all the time when I am out in the surrounding national parks etc......

Greg - Looks like the weather held...pls tell us more and post pics when you can. 

Terrie Glad you got to talk to this young lady who without experiencing the loss, has a better understanding on the effects of losing Adam....

Dawn Family, can't live with them, can't shoot them either.  My mum passed before Mike died, but she had lost her youngest grandson when he was15.  She never compared her loss to that of my brother.  My oldest brother on the other hand bemoaned his lot then and again when Mike died.  In a recent email he likened pain felt with the demise of his marriage (both cheated on each other) to that of losing a child....needless to say DELETE was my reply!

Betsy - These reports raise more questions than they answer.  It is hard when someone has a heart attack and is revived, yet your boy is not here......there is something fundamentally wrong with a child dying before us...... 

Dale  And when it’s melody lingers on in your heart. Is it unfinished? Or is it endless?

I might have once thought it was unfinished, but having made Mikes flag, seeing him in the eyes of the grandbabies and hearing his music all round me it has to be endless....Thoughts of you & yours today

   Hey Micheal Shane, my heart breaks, my life is on hold, but you my boy live on in so many many ways...........

[mikesmum]

As some might know Victoria has been in drought for many many years.  Towns around us in Feb this year were ravaged by fires never before seen.  Well now the rain has come!  These are pics around our town.....reminded me of MN.  The land is farm land usually filled with cows and sheep, now it looks like a myriad of lakes...

Hey Dee, Kathy, Colleen, Carol, Lorri, Dawn, Marcia and all I might have missed....!!

Bridges over the land in and out of town.

Muttley just waiting for the ducks to land!!!!

[briansdad]

At 8:25 2004 5 years ago my life changed forever.Over these last 5 years the changes haven't been all bad. I've met the great people here.Thank you all for being there over the years.The one thing that hasn't changed is I still miss my buddy.

I miss ya B

Love Dad

[mysonrich]

 

Mr and Mrs Brians dad, In celebration of Brains life, always a winning number 1  in your hearts and memory.

[mysonrich]

Avery, you are endless. May your Mom hear your music today.

[hotrod]

                            Dear Brian

                    You Will Always be a Winner

Thanks for always sending signs to your family

You are missed and remembered with great love 

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

This picture is precious and haunting all at the same time. I will say his name over and over today and hope that each time I say it, you will feel the love and strength and hugs coming your way .......

Brian ...........

[align=right]Brian ...........

[/align]

[align=center]Brian .............

[/align]

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[lolynbo]

BRIAN BRAIN BRIAN...COMFORT YOUR FAMILY TODAY AND ALWAYS LET THEM FEEL YOUR LOVE

AVERY AVERY AVERY....LET THE WIND SING SONGS IN YOUR FAMILIES MINDS THAT COMFORT THEM TODAY AND ALWAYS...

JUST KOURTNEY AND I REMEMBERING YOU AND YOURS TODAY....

HOLLIES MOM...THERE IS SOMETHING AFTER DEATH BELEIVE ME..I SAW IT WHEN KOURTNEY DIED..(AND I WASNT ON DRUGS) SHE GLOWED WITH THIS MAGICAL GLOW FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR..SHE WAS PRESENT BEFORE THE LORD..I HAVE NO DOUBT AND DONT YOU EVER DOUBT IT EITHER...SHE IS IN HEAVEN WITH YOUR HOLLIE AND ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL ANGELS...WAITING ON US..WHEN OUR TIME COMES....I CANT DISCRIBE HOW BEAUTIFUL IT WAS TO SEE HER DIE..IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH WITH WORDS..BUT DEE KNOWS WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY...MY COLLEGE GRADUATED DAUGHTER CANT DISCRIBE IT EITHER SHE JUST SAID IT WAS "AWESOMELY AMAZING"..AND ALL OUR ANGELS HAD IT..EVEN IF WE WERE NOT THERE TO SEE IT OR BE WITH THEM...HOLD ON TO THAT..

[lolynbo]

HOTSAUCE HOW ARE YOU I DONT THINK WE HAVE HEARD FROM YOU IN A BIT...???

[ericasmom]

BRIAN-

You are loved and cared for each and every moment, thought of and honored in a multitude of ways. You will always be your Daddy's best Buddy, that will never change.

I know that you will continue to bless your family with your signs and constant care. Continue to let some gentle pieces of heaven filter into the lives of your Baby Girl and your Parents and Sister. Bless them along their path softening some of the pain and allowing more and more joy. You will live on in them and in your wonderful friends.

Five years is a long time Greg, and while I wish you never had to know this loss, I am grateful to know you, and through you, to know Brian.

If I were at home, this would be in color and in LARGE font.

Love to you,

dee

[hotsauce]

Dear Greg and Jan,

i wish you the best today on the angel day of you son Brian.

i hope he shows you many beautiful signs.

thinking of you

mary ann

[lolynbo]

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MY MOM..SHE HAD BLOOD WORK DONE THE OTHER DAY AND THEY CALLED AND "WANT TO SEE HER ABOUT THE BLOOD WORK" PLEASE PRAY IT IS SOMTHING THAT CAN BE HANDLED WITH MEDS...

[hotsauce]

Dale and Donnalu,

thinking of you on  Avery angel day.  i hope he shows you many beautiful signs.

 

Happy Angel Day Avery

Happy Birthday Avery (10-1)

it must be so hard for your family and most of all his twin sister.

 

have and have two day just thinking of all the love you shared with him

 

mary ann

[hotsauce]

Greg,

the picture of your Angel Brian, was so touching.  i ust wish he was with you and your family.

 

thinking of you

mary ann

[hotsauce]

Lorri, thank you for thinking about me, i am here and posting, you just missed me.

Kathy, i never seen the mini hot air ballons, with you are going to buy so tell me how much and where to send the money.  thank you

mary ann

[ericasmom]

Dale, as you prepare your heart as best you can for this anniversary, know that we are holding you and Avery's Mom and Twin Sister. WE are holding you as you find yourselves in the midst of so many difficult memories. One day, the more painful memories will move to the sides a bit in order to allow the best memories to fill that hole. Give yourselves time and know that he would want you to have the best lives possible.

Blessings Dale,

dee

love the words to that piece.

[hotsauce]

sorry to all with the spelling mistakes, typing faster then thinking.

mary ann

[hotsauce]

Dan,

thank you for posting "I Spoke With My Child".

i never heard or saw such a beautiful item to our angels.

mary ann

[nicksdad]

Avery...On your special day

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Dan, beautiful tributes to Brian and Avery.

Avery with his gorgeous shiny locks, that handsome Young Man.

The gorgeous words that surround Brian...

so much love, enough to fuel this whole Earth.

Blessings,

dee

[arc4ever]

Greg,

My heart to you and your family today on your beautiful son, Brian's angel date.  What a handsome young man.  Prayers for comfort and peace,

with love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

Dale,

The memoriam is beautiful, may you find some peace and comfort today.  Your son is a beautiful young man.  Please send my blessings to your entire family.

With love,  Terrie (Adam's mom)

[zachysmom]

My husband and I have decided to get a server to store pictures and movies on. We would like to offer the ability to others to store their precious memories as well. The company is extremely reliable and constantly backs up all data. They have never had any issues. you would be able to upload and download anything at any time. Of course nothing illegal or dirty. This offer is open to everyone. It will take a bit to get it fully setup and running so bear with us while we make it happen. We are not going to charge for this but if you want to help out with the costs we will set up a paypal account for the server.

P.S. this is unlike my hubby but as you all know the few memories we have are so important and precious that we want to help preserve them for you all.

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

If you guys will wait until after Pinnacle Days, I will send Mary Ann a Sky Lantern if there are any left over.

No problem.

Thinking of Avery’s family today .......

Lorri,

Praying for your Mom.  I just found out this morning that my Dad has hospice care now.

Dan,

You do such a good job with the pictures!  Can’t wait to see your flag for Nick! Any chance you’ll make it to Pinnacle Days?

Carol,

Thanks for the info on silent heart attacks.  We found out that since Rich lost his job our cobra insurance does not kick in for a month.

So, any visits, procedures, etc would have to be out of pocket .....

It's always something!

Trudi,

You sure did get some rain!  Whoa nelly!

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

I kind of wish that everyone would sign off using their name.  I have this little bitty brain that gets confused easily............:?

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, you don't have an itty-bitty brain, rather a huge and wonderful one. I too need names in order to keep straight everyone's names. Bonnie, I read up on silent heart attacks yesterday, did the doctor advise Rich to see a cardiologist? I hope that all goes well and that when the cobra kicks in, he will be able to be checked out.

Going for my flu shot,

dee