Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For All~ I have had the flu and I think it has been for YEARS...Maybe it has been????

Came down with it Thursday night....Not feeling well yet...

You'll see me back here when I am up and back with the real world!! Keeping up with all of you  the best I can!!!

LOVE

mamabets

[briansdad]

Trudi, I can understand your plight. When i went back to work I happened to drive by the resturant where the Highway Patrol told me about Brian and I started to hyperventilate so I can just imagine having to go into work with all the triggers there. I always wanted to try to get the 911 call but have been told i can't. I also have the phone number of a witness that saw everything happen and I still can't get the nerve to talk to him. Brian was on a Sport Bike he had purchased not 28 days earlier. He came up on a blind curve and coming the other way was a tractor trailer with a 50 ft flatbed trailer.Now this was on a 2 lane country road.Any way the HP decided it was all Brian's fault even though the trailer left skid marks on the yellow line.So I guess the HP figured it was just a punk kid speeding all nice and neat. Real easy to write off my boy.

[mikesmum]

Greg - Now that really sucks.  Was Brians death subjected to a full enquiry?  I am sure the laws differ from down under, but I would have thought the scene, truck speed, light, visability would have all been investigated.  Hard to believe its as simple as truck vs bike - bikes fault. 

I find that we have another trigger that I hadn't given any thought to.  My other half was the paramedic on the day.  He had been on leave for a period after Mike died.  I hadn't seen him in uniform and he hadn't had the radio at home.

The first time he was back in uniform the breath left my body and I lost it.  Even now, to hear radio control in the house sends me spiralling backward.  When he is rostered on for his 8 days and call at night I find my sleeping dimishes to non existent and my anxiety is off the scale!  

Mammabets - Betsy, welcome back! You had us worried.  I keep forgetting the seasons are backwards, youre coming out of winter, hence the flu!!  We are sweltering here in temps 38 - 40 celsius!!  Heat rash, no sneezes.

Take care - thoughts are with you all....Trudi

[summergirl]

Greg - Thank you for your kind words, it means alot to me as I never want to hurt anyone here. I also have had "friends" tell me that I am obsessed, it's been 2 years, time to let go and the list goes on - I no longer consider them friends. Yesterday Kay told me that she thought she knew how I felt when I lost Jessica and now she looked into my eyes and said "I had no idea at all what you were experiencing", how true it is that people "think" they know but unless it happens to them they know nothing about this journey.

Trudi - I am sorry that you must go through the 911 call at court but please know that all of us here will be with you in spirit and if I could I would be there in body holding your hand and giving you strength I would however you will have to settle for me being there in spirit - I wish you all the best and my prayers as always.

To all those who are suffering through the "flu" I wish you speedy recovery - mine lasted 9 days!!! So waiting for spring to arrive.

Back to work, slow day but always something to do. God Bless all and talk to you soon.  Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

I have a little of the flu myself.  It comes around, even in Ecuador.

There "supposedly" was a full query/investigation into my son Joey's death, but there were holes all over the place, and it seemed like no one really cared, especially the investigator.  Though many people knew there was more to be looked into, the coroner's inquest took satisfaction in what the investigator had submitted and that was that, case closed.  SO many character witnesses and testimonies of Joey's close friends he had talked to earlier in the day were not even sought after--only the lies of the group he was last seen with were accredited.  They ruled Joey's death "undetermined".  They wanted to rule suicide, but we fought that really hard, because as I said, there was a lot more to the story.  I don't think it matters what city, county, state, province or country, when the subject of the investigation is "just another number", they just do whatever they can to get by and make a ruling so they can move on to the next number.  It's sad, but true.  I think people who do those jobs lack compassion and understanding that that young man who died out there that night has a mother, a father, a brother, etc.  He was somebody's boy, somebody's baby.  Joey died that night at the hands of his acquaintances.  Though the investigation was incomplete and many questions went unanswered, it is theirs to own come judgement day.  I had to let it go...  Praying that one day you all will find peace too in the unanswered questions and the ways of the system, as I whole-heartedly believe life does not end at death.  It begins for eternity.... 

Hugs, Claudia (Joey's Mom)

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I have a plan.....picturing Mike, Jess and yourself sitting in the court.  Coffees in hand smiling and laughing incessantly at the circus!!   :dude: 

It must have been hard to hear your friend say she now gets it.  Like many have said, while many are insensitive to our loss, you would never wish the experience on them just so they get it.

Claudia - I guess bottomline those in the Coroners, investigators, court staff etc do refer to our babies as a number, a statistic.  I tend to think, it is for many, the safety guard that stops the emotional intelligence overtaking them preventing them from doing their job.  I wrote on another thread how amazed I was that he Coroners Office staff speak of Micheal by name.  His case number is used only to locate his file on the system, from then on its Micheal.

For all, it really does seem to become easier - however, the wind blows and just like Dorothy 'I am no longer in Kansas"!  Take care - Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Hi:  Just coming on to wish everyone a happy St Patrick's day...I know that in New England, at least around Boston and New York, everyone is Irish on St. Patty's day, so it doesn't matter if you are Irish or not...here's to you...God bless and keep you, and love and peace to all...our hearts are united as one on this unasked for journey, and I am so thankful for the love and support and caring that is given here.

 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Trudi - what a wonderful plan - the four of us there as you say watching the circus - clowns performing before an audience!! Makes me laugh to picture it. So wish I could be there.

4everjoeysmom - today at work was slow so I was on BI and I went back in the postings to when you first came on and read your words on how you lost your son. I was so heartsick after reading it that I sat at my desk and cried for you and yours. How sad it is that those group of people let your Joey go off by himself. I can only try to understand the anguish you have suffered and the anger at the system for not following through. It was strange that I felt the need to see your first posting - my friend Kay told me that her son was out drinking with friends and were stopped by the police while on their way to another bar - the police arrested the driver for DWI and left her son DJ on the side of the road. He called a friend and told him what happened and that he was unsure of where he was, he was going to look around and see if could get his bearings and would call his friend back - he never got the chance as he walked to the top of the parking garage and stood on the edge to see if he could get a better look around and he slipped and fell three stories. The thing that Kay cannot understand is why the police would leave her son on the side of the road, knowing he had been drinking and with no ride home. It seems to me that the police have a responsibilty to make sure any other persons in the car should be taken care of before they drive off. What is going on with this world. My prayers are with you.

I have not had a good day - sort of one of those "slip back" days - I keep going over in my mind why when Jessica was 18 and in St. Francis (a heart hospital) for one week that they never found out what was wrong with her - they did so many tests on her that she was covered with bruises from all the needles they stuck in her. We were told that they were pretty sure she had a virus that goes dormant and then comes back every now and then and attacks her heart but it was nothing to be concerned about and prescribed no medicine for her. As the years went by she was at the hospital maybe 4 more times with chest pains and each time they would give her some oxygen and keep her a couple hours and tell us she was fine. After we lost Jessica and the autopsy came I talked to her heart doctor and he said they when Jessica was in St. Francis they did not have the technology then that they have now so there was no way to detect what was really wrong with her heart. Today it is a one hour test (we had Tavian tested) and they know right away. I have a hard time adjusting to the fact that the "technology" wasn't there just 8 years before Jessica left us. I need to let it go as it does me no good to question what cannot be changed as nothing will bring my Jessie home.

The words written "life does not end at death - it begins for eternity" made me smile - thank you.

Time to put Tavian down as he is very tired and school tomorrow. Love and Peace to all - Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, Thank you for what you wrote and for taking time to learn about what happened to Joey.  To this day and beyond I doubt that the people he was with that night think much about him or what happened.  It still breaks my heart when I do think about it and how senseless it all was.  Joey was the only one among them that had a future, and that truly makes me very sad--especially to think that the rest of them waste their lives in a drunken abyss.  I wish he never had met those people.  But it's all history now.  The one woman in the bunch, who is a couple of years my junior and apparently was throwing herself at my son that summer, she came to the memorial, but she stayed outside.  Someone told me she wanted to meet Joey's mom because she had heard so much about me...  can you imagine?!  I just said I had no energy to go through that, so I guess the message to her was she shouldn't come inside.  She sent flowers to the funeral home though, and put in a "mushy" card personally written to Joey about how much she loved him, etc...  She loved him so much that she asked him to wait for her out there, at the tracks, while she drank on his dime with the others and his life whisked away.  I think it would be hard to be her now....pathetic, I am guessing.  I feel sorry for her young child, that her child got to spend time with Joey and all of a sudden he was no more, and how hard that must have been to write off--maybe.  Who knows how she handled that?  I am still praying to this day for mercy and grace, because I harbor some unforgiveness that I know I must release in order to truly be free....... 

I'm sorry it made you cry.  I think each time any of us are touched by someone else's story, someone else's loss and pain, it brings ours to surface as well.  It's so real, and yet still seems like a bad dream at times.  Doesn't it?  I'm sad for your friend and the way her son died too.  It doesn't make sense.  None of it does.  I had to let go, because my bran just can't even try to make sense of it, and I would go crazy trying.  I'm glad I was able to bring you a smile today.  I believe that with all my heart, and so for me, it is my comfort, truly.  I hope it too can be yours, along with that beautiful grandson of yours.  he looks like a ham in front of the cam!  Hugs, Claudia

[loveyoujustin]

IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE POSTED, BUT I'VE BEEN HERE, JUST READING, SEEKING COMFORT IN EVERYONE'S POSTS.  I HAVE BEEN MOVING BACKWARDS, RATHER THAN FORWARDS ON THIS "PATH."  ONLY YOU, MY DEAR FRIENDS AT BI CAN UNDERSTAND THIS.

I JUST WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT I THINK OF YOU ALL, AND SEND WISHES FOR PEACE AND COMFORT.

TRUDI AND CLAUDIA, JUST TO REMIND YOU BOTH,  YOU'VE GOTTEN ME THROUGH THE DARKEST OF DAYS.  MY LOVE TO YOU.

AS FOR TATTOOS:  THERE HAVE BEEN SEVERAL IN JUSTIN'S HONOR, INCLUDING MY OWN. (NEVER WOULD I HAVE THOUGHT I'D HAVE A TATTOO)  THERE IS A NEW "TATTOO GALLERY" ON JUSTIN'S SITE WITH SOME OF THE TATTOOS ON IT.  THERE ARE STILL SEVERAL TO BE ADDED.  IF ANYONE WISHES TO SEE:

WWW.JUSTINSCOTTWAGNERMEMORIALFUND.COM

THERE ARE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS THE BOND WE SHARE.  I ONLY HOPE SOMEDAY I WILL BE ABLE TO HELP, THE WAY ALL OF YOU AT BI HAVE TRULY HELPED ME.

WITH LOVE AND MUCH HOPE FOR PEACE TO COME,       TRISH

[briansdad]

Could I ask a favor? Could you all go to this little guys site and light a candle for his birthday tomorrow.I met his Mom one day when I was visiting our local angel of hope. He was only 3. I know his Mom would be greatful.

http://benjamin-gollihur.memory-of.com/About.aspx

 

Thank you

[bigmikesmom]

Trudi,

How unfair! I am truly sorry that you have to go through that on top of your grief. All of the nurses etc. on BI seem to have the same problem with not being able to go back into an acute care setting and they weren't on the job, necessarily, at the time of their child's death.I also am suffering from PTSD and I know you could not work there again. I am praying for you.

Trish, I was worried about you. Did you get my e-mail on Justin's Birthday?

Hi Everyone! I am also taking a few steps backward. I put Easter stuff at Mike's accident site and grave today. It made me feel like I was doing something. I broke down in BigLots the other day,crying, noone saw me. It struck me that here I was buying stuff to make an Easter basket for Matt(My son that survived the crash) and buying stuff to put on my other son's(mike) grave. I feel too like I just do not want to be around my husband when I am like this. He thinks I am feeling sorry for myself. It hurts because I am trying so hard to go on and not show others how I really feel. This whole journey is so hard I think sometimes I just get tired of feeling, I don't know. I have a dilemma that I want help from you all. My husband's nephew, my nephew too, is getting married this Sat, Holy Saturday. The wedding is in Pawleys Island, South Carolina. I live in Ohio, My husband,his sister and his mom and myself are supposed to drive down there leaving on Thursday coming back on Monday. My son,Matt, can't go because he just got a new job and can't take off work. I do not wan't to leave him on Easter and I don't want to go if I am feeling this way,like I said my husband doesn't want me to cry etc. I don't want to dissapoint my sister-in-law and nephew because they truly want me to be there. What do I do??? Thanks for your help

Love,

Patti-BigMikesMOM

[mamabets]

For All! I am missing you and thinking about all of you- Have been WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY down with the flu since Thursday evening!! Bear with me and I will be back soon!!!

I love You!!

mamabets

xoxoxo

[bigmikesmom]

Betsy,

I feel bad for you that you have the flu. I heard it's a real bad strain. I hope you feel better real soon.

Love,

Patti-Big Mikes Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Patti:  I so relate to your feelings about assembling an Easter basket for your son, Matt, and leaving items at your son Mike's site.  I have always had an Easter basket for all those who visit us on Easter, but doing it last year was impossible, and this year I am not sure...

I am so sorry about your dilemma re traveling to your nephew's wedding...I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but I have always felt that we need to do what is best for us, and in our situation, unfortunately there are many who just don't understand.  I have learned to let that part go...I can't make them understand, and themore I try, the more alienated I feel, so I just don't try to do the explaining anymore.  I just do what I need to do.  I know that there are times when we need to put others first, but since Mike died, I only do that when and if I am able to---I don't beat myself up over the times I cannot.  But, that is just my way of handling things, and not necessarily the "way" for anyone else. 

I do empathize with you, and I must say that in your shoes, I would not want to leave my young son at home without any family over Easter.  Of course, I guess it would depend on how HE feels about it...but I still couldn't do it...it sounds as though Easter has been a day of celebration and family for you in the past, and that would also have an impact on my decision as to leaving my son at home by himself. 

I will pray for you that you will be able to make the best decision.

love and peace,

carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Patti, I would likely be feeling like you do emotionally about your nephew's wedding and whether or not to attend.  Because I will never get to see Joey get married, and because I am still working through my grief as well, I would likely be nothing but a wreck in tears at a wedding.  I am trying to imagine if I will be able to get through my son Patrick's wedding when he decides to marry, because he will not have his first choice as Best man there...  and I know we both will miss Joey's presence so very much more on that day.  It sounds to me like you really don't feel up to going, but you are most worried about disappointing your family.  Surely they know what you have been through, and so if you don't feel strong eenough, (what I would do is), find out where they are honeymooning, wire a beautiful message and a gift of Champagne, Strawberries, and Chocolates, or something like that, to let them know how much you care and that you wish you could have been there....  I'm sure something like that would be very memorable and would let them know you did not miss the event because you didn't want to be there, but simply because you couldn't be there.  There is a difference.  What do you think about that idea?

Love and BIG HUGS, Claudia

Trish--I think of you often, and though you are silent, i never forget you are here, among us, among friends.  Love you!  Claudia

[wyomingsal]

Patti,

After losing a child I have found it is so much harder to be away from any living children you have.  Only you can decide what you are comfortable with in regards to the trip.   Where do you want to be for Easter?  I like Claudia's idea about the champaigne and strawberrys.     I think if it were me I might have to stay with my child at home because I wouldn't want them to be alone on Easter and I would be a basket case even more then normal were I to be away from my living children on such an emotional day.  The two times I have had to travel away from my living kids I have been hit so hard with waves of grief.  Then to be at a wedding right around Easter would be emotional anyways.   I know it is also important to go to family events.  How I wish your son could get off work and travel with you.  

Peace and Blessings apon you,

Sal

[summergirl]

Claudia - reading earlier postings helps me to understand more about those who share so much here at BI. I know what you mean when you say SHE showed up at the funeral home with the mushy card and flowers, so nice of her after what she had done. I too went through a similar thing when Tavian's father (I prefer to call him the Disneyland Dad) came to our house with three of his friends (or bums) the day Jess passed - I kept loking at him and honestly did not know who he was so I asked him and he looked at me and said i'm Angel and I just said oh and walked away, a little while later I asked our friend Jimmy to tell him and his friends to leave as I could not bare to have him in my house. When he showed up at the funeral home for the wake no one would talk to him so he left quickly - he did not come to the funeral. I do believe that I have forgiven him for what he put my daughter and Tavian through but I will never forget. Your son sounds like he was a wonderful person and had so much to live for just as my Jessie did. Our hearts shatter every day. God Bless you. No, Tavian actually is not a ham in front of the cam - I had to bribe him with chocolate pudding in order to take his picture (ha-ha) he always gives me a hard time about it!! It makes me laugh and I treasure that.

Patti - I can understand exactly how you are feeling. It is so diffacult when we are put into the position of having to make a choice of pleasing family and friends or doing what our heart tells us. We went to my nephew's wedding last October, it was about a 3 hour drive from us - we are very close to them and did not feel as though we could not go although my heart was screaming "I do not want to do this". We had booked a hotel as the reception was late and did not want to drive the 3 hours home - the wedding was beautiful but I was in constant turmoil and pain through out the wedding and reception - all I could think about was I was never going to see Jessica get married, watch her dad walk her down the isle, all her friends with her and Tavian as the ring bearer - it was a nightmare for me. When we got back to the hotel my husband and I looked at each other and without saying a word we went to our car and drove home. We were asked the following day by my husband's sister (it was her son who got married) why we left and I let my husband deal with it - she actually was pretty good about it and said she understood but I am not convinced she did. Anyway - all I can tell you is follow your heart and do not go to please anyone else, not even your husband. My husband also tells me at times that I need to stop "pondering" on Jessica's death, I need to move forward and it does me no good to constantly think about it - I get angry and tell him that he can deal anyway he wants to but he can never tell me how, what or when to feel when it comes to Jessica - he has learned that I am not the person I was before and I do speak my mind as I have one. I try to explain to him that I have my days when I am lost and falling, days when the black hole opens and I sink into it and he needs to be there for me not against me. Believe me we have had our moments but it does us both good as we need to get things out in the open no matter how painful. So follow your heart dear friend and let it lead you to what is best for you. 

Blessed be to all and Peace - Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, Bribing with chocolate pudding... what a smart kid! 

Sometimes I think the journey of forgiveness in a situation like Joey's is even harder than the grief itself.  It's all tied together, yet somehow it must be separated....  it's exacerbating getting to the nitty gritty issues that will ultimately lead to the greatest healing...

 

 

[bigmikesmom]

Carol,Claudia,Sal and Kathy,

Thanks so much for your help.I like the idea of the choc,strawberries and champagne.I am going to have to decide soon. It's Wed already. You gals are so great, kind and loving. God Bless you!

Love,

Patti-BigMikesMom

[mamabets]

For All~ Holidays are hard, as far as planning goes. The baskets/coloring the eggs helps in planning for the little ones. But, with Jackie and the girls in Wisconsin, at the moment, no plans..Whatever comes, comes....The day is a beautiful one, regardless, so a little gardening, perhaps. As for the kitchen, remains to be seen!!!

Something fun for the doggies, ALWAYS!!!!!

A little trinket box that sits in front of a beautiful picture of Danny.."Be Still and Know That I Am God"

I love it and pat it when I walk by it!! 

LOVE

mamabets

P.S. If you feel overwhelmed with a SWEATY "chill", count yourself down and out for at least a week!!!! This flu has been a doozy!!!!!

[briansdad]

Bets, I read that a while back and whenever i get in a funky mood I repeat it." Be still and know that I am God" It helps.

PS thanks guys for lighting the candles for Ben.

[heathershope]

Hey all,  I have not yet been able to figure out how to upload a picture of Heather yet but if you would like to check out memory-of.com and look under Heather Lynn Ingram we have photos there that my husband put on.  Got the idea actually from Brians dad.  I went to light a candle for Ben at his request and was so moved by the idea.  I told my husband to get a site up for Heather...so thank you BRIANS DAD.  I love to share Heather with people.

 

BRIANS DAD: Speaking of sharing I read your poem for your son.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I wish I had your ability to express the feelings inside as well as you.  You nailed it. So often I struggle to find the right words to express how I feel.  I KNOW what it feels like but there are no words to do the feelings justice. 

 

I know I am the relative newcomer here and I haven't posted much.  I have been down with flu for about ten days now and am just starting to feel better, but I do come on and read sometimes.  I must say that the back and forth support system that I've witnessed is amazingly thoughtful.  I feel like I am being given so much insight and wisdom in the exchanges, but I must also admit that at first it overwhelmed me a bit.  You just don't really realize just how many people are in this same pain until you come on a site such as this and it is just so, so sad to know that every night all these people are laying there heads on their pillows and crying the same as me, and every day going through the challenges and sorrow that I face.  While there is comfort in that, there is also great sorrow.  We all ask the same question...WHY?  We all love our kids so much and would have done anything in the world to save them.  SO, WHY?  What is the sense, there is none and that is scary.  I am more a spirtual person, rather than religious and I believe that Heather is in a far better place and that she is out of pain and at peace, but that does not help me here on earth in my human form to feel any less pain.  Someday when I am with her again and it makes sense, then it will help, but for now...I just hurt so much, my heart aches, I feel like I have a hole in my soul.  The ironic thing is, even if God where to come to me today and say "well, Terri, let me tell you why" it wouldn't change the feelings I have.  I would still hurt, my heart would still scream WHY?  I may not even be making any sense at all. 

I hope to particiapte more now that I am feeling better and hopefully will have something to contribute that will help someone else as much as many of you have unknowingly helped me.

 

Thank you,   Terri

 

 

[summergirl]

Heathershope - It is diffacult in the beginning when you first come on to BI - I know that I read postings for a while before I got the courage to actually post and then after that it was non-stop - it can make you cry, cause pain but in the end it is all worth it as we help each other so much. I have never found the support that I get here from anywhere else - not family, friends or therapy has inspired me or supported me as the wonderful people on this site do. When we lost Jessica I felt so alone, no one that I knew was or had gone through losing a child and it was such a desperate place to be - when I found this site and realized just how many of us there are it was overwhelming but a Godsend to me - know one wants anyone to ever feel this pain and yet to be able to share our emotions, saddness, pain, wisdom and challenges with each other is such a blessing yet bittersweet. Give it some time and be good to yourself - we are all here and sometimes we give support and sometimes we need it - each day is different. God Bless you. Kathy

Trudi - yes Tavian has his mi-mi wrapped around his finger although I am getting better at making him understand that I am the "boss" is in the house although he tells me pop-pop is the boss (typical male). I am also getting good at doing the 1, 2, 3 counting - if he does not do what he is supposed to before I get to 3 then it's time out and he really does not like time out so I pretty much only get to 2 and he gets moving. He still has some anger to deal with so I pick and choose my battles with him carefully. Tonight we are going to the movies to see "Horton Hears A Who" - he is very excited as his babysitter - Shannon who is 16 and Tavian is so in love - is going with us!! I will have a lonely week coming up as Tavian will be at his other Grandmothers from Thursday to Thursday as he is on spring vacation and I have to work. It is good though as she is not working and has many things planned to do to keep him busy. It is nice to have some time alone but hard not not see his little face aroung the house.

Take care and peace to all - Kathy 

[summergirl]

Heathershope - I went to memory-of.com and saw the memorial of your Heather, what a beautiful woman - tears as always when I look at those sites. I lit a candle for her. God Bless You - Kathy

[heathershope]

Summergirl

Thank you for lighting a candle for Heather.  Jessica is a very beautiful, "sparkling" young woman.  I was struck by that when I first came on the site.  All these bright young lights...now lighting the sky. I am sorry for your pain.  How long ago did she die?  She had a child correct? or am I still confusing people?  If I am I am sorry.  I will get to know you all and all of your children.

 

Terri

[mikesmomrs]

Terri:  I am sorry that you've been down with the flu.  I have so far been lucky in that department...it may be because we have to keep our house so "germ-free" because of my husband's COPD.  If he gets even a cold, it is really threatening to him, so we try to stay away from germs when we are aware, such as when the grandkids have colds, they sadly can't come visit, etc.  I know that Betsy's been down with it also, and I think a few others, so I hope all are on the mend. 

Yes, this is a very supportive and caring group here, and though I know that we all wish it never had a reason to exist, sadly it does, and we are all thankful that it does.  We all look forward to learning more about your precious daughter.  I will visit her site later today, when I get home.  Many of us here have created web sites for our children,  and we all enjoy having "visitors" as it's a beautiful way for us to share the stories and pictures and memories and for us to really get to know each other's precious children...   We have created a web site for our son, Mike, also, (www.james-michael.virtual-memorials.com) and invite you to visit and leave a note that you've been there, as well.   Even Mike's boys were part of the creation, and so enjoy it. 

With the beautiful celebration of Easter coming up, I think it might be a really nice thing for all of us to reach out again to our children's sites and "drop in" to make that connection...a way of "visiting" each other...  (and usually the address for them is listed under our profile)

I hope you continue on the mend, Terri, and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you...

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[heathershope]

Carol,

 

I went to Mikes's site.  It and you look so familiar.  Are you from GR MI?  Maybe I'm crazy:? ...thought I would ask.

I loved your choice of music on the memorial site by the way.  Have a good day.

 

Terri

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs, Carol,

  I have visited your dear Mike's memorial and it is very beautiful indeed. I was

especially touched by the Beatles song  "In My Life" playing. After my son, Dave,

passed in June,2003  I started using his computer, and found this song which

he had downloaded.  The words are very beautiful to listen to. This must have

been a favorite of Mike's, and my son's too. My son was 31 also.  I have

not posted my Davey's memorial site address for a long time, but just in case

anyone would like to visit.........  david-georgedash1brownie2spot.memory-of.com

    Peace be with all here at BI.        Daveysmom,   Sherry

[heartbeataway]

Brians Dad, Greg,

Interesting topic!  I really like your tattoo!  It must have taken hours and ouches. My husband and I also got tattoos after our son's death.  His friends started it. They took things that Jason wrote, took the letters from it and spelled the word, "Honor" and he signed things alot with what looked like his initials, "JH".  They had honor with his initials below it. It's also the one that his Dad has. Their tattoos are on their chest near their heart.

Thursday night before he died on Saturday morning, Jason wrote a "to do" on the top of a box in his garage.  One of the things on the list was, "Make it stop raining". I had those words tattooed on my lower leg with a border around it. For some reason after I saw his to do list, the words "make it stop raining" stayed on my mind. It's also in his writing. A copy of the words from his list.

Everyone thought I would regret it but I haven't for one second. But, I also wouldn't have a tattoo if Jason was still alive.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heathershope]

Bonnie,

Regarding tattoos.

My husband, my son, my daughter-in-law, Heathers fiancee, two of her cousins, two aunts, and several of her friends all got tattoos with various forms of live, laugh, love, on it which was the credo Heather chose to live by.  I got a cross made from the words live, laugh, love on my wrist.  I also got the symbol for courage tattoo'd on my ankle with heathers name and "dates" around it because she lived her life with such courage. She had that symbol on her back to symbolize her tough struggles so I wanted to carry it on.  I'm glad to hear many people choose this manner of honoring their child.  I am 43 years old and thought "what am I doing' but it felt right and I do not regret it either.  It's amazing what will alter in your thought process when you lose a child.  At Christmas time I actually added a third on my upper back.  I mention it because I have seen it mentioned on the site in the last few days and found it ironic.  I had the statement "Be Still And Know That I Am" above a pair of angel wings, a little reminder to keep the faith.  I heard the phrase when I was in a particularly bad place and it gave me strength and comfort. I am definately done with the tattoos but they all have special significance and bring me peace when I look at them.

I like the uniqueness of your tattoo design.  Obviously something in those words resonated with you and it is a private acknowledgement that you can share when and if you want what the meaning to you is.  I like that.

 

Terri

[briansdad]

I just thought of something I used to tell Brian when things got rough in everyday life and He had a tough decision to make.I would tell him to do what's best for him and in the long run it would be best for everyone because "No one gets out of here alive." I just didn't know he would be the first.He and his brother used to kid around about who was going to get what of mine when I was gone. You know, Who gets Dads boat or who gets the fishing tackle.We all used to laugh.  Boy how those conversations came back to me when i was going through Brian's things.How Ironic it was. You know Bonnie there is one thing i wish I would have put on my tattoo.At the funeral I made a picture board for people to sign. It had pics of Brian and of his car. My nephew Brian's cousin wrote on there " Who needs wheels when you can have wings." Man that blew me away.I put it on Brian's marker at the cemetery.

[heartbeataway]

Oh Greg, you have no idea what your posting mean't to me. I have been beyond bothered about Jay's first memorial date coming up in April.  I wanted to do something but didn't quite know what to do........  now I know thanks to you.

My husband has to travel the day after the memorial date.  We didn't want to honor the saddest day in our life with a celebration.  We celebrate his life on his birthday.

I love the words, Who needs wheels when you have wings.  I LOVE these words!

I have pictures of Jason in his Rubican and somehow I'm going to put those together. We are also going to have a more permanent marker made for the place where his ashes were spread.  It's a place where folks go just to jeep, four wheel, etc....  are the words perfect for him or what??  Wow!

Thank you so much for sharing those words!  I hope you won't mind if I borrow them to honor our son.

Warm regards,  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is of Jason playing in the mud......[/align]

[heartbeataway]

Terri,

You're right, it is amazing how things and ways of thinking change after we lose a child. 

I really like the sound of the tattoos you got to honor your daughter.  Especially the one on your back. 

Thanks for sharing.  Take good care.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is top of box with Jay's "to do" list ...... [/align]

[briansdad]

That looks like it applies perfectly. I'd be happy for you to use it.

[heartbeataway]

briansdad,

What are you holding?  I told my husband about this and it brought tears to his eyes. We are really missing our boy right now ........  last Easter we flew to Virginia to be with him.  He died two weeks later.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is Jay on one of his four wheeler's.......... he was tired & happy......[/align]

[briansdad]

Bonnie

It's one of 100 balloons we release at the car show Brian's buddies have for him every year.

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/Uploads/Videos/Video633193545387968750.wmv

Tell your husband I know the feeling.Brian was my best buddy.

[summergirl]

Briansdad - I love those words also "who needs wheels when you can have wings" - tears, tears, tears. What an amazing thing for his friends to do at the car show - to send off those 100 beautiful balloons speaks more than words can. You can tell from your postings that Brian was your best friend - Jessica was my best friend.

Bonnie - Jason's list of "to do" things made me cry!! I too have all kinds of memo's that Jessica wrote - she was a big "doodler", whenever she was talking on the phone she always had paper and pen and was "doodling" - she kept them all in a drawer in her kitchen - when I found them it was all I could do to remain standing. I have all of her journals that she has written in since she was about 13 - I have yet to open one - maybe some day.

The tatoo's I have seen and heard about are amazing. My husband's is beautiful but the one I got I dislike very much. The tatoo guy that did it (it is on my upper back at the base of my neck) totally screwed up - the one I picked out he showed me on the computer but when he did it he had mistakenly chosen a different one then the one I chose - I did not see it until he was finished and then I cried so hard - he apologized but not much you could do about it then. I am going to the tatoo guy that my brother-in-law uses and he is going to fix it for me - he is very well known and does beautiful work. Thank goodness it is on my upper back so I do not have to look at it, can't wait to have it redone.

Bless all and talk soon. Kathy

[johnnysmama]

briansdad

I love the video of your son and his car.My son was 21 and VERY into his car-it was part of his identity. He raced it also. i park next to it everyday-which is painful but we can't seem to part with it.  i just wanted to respond as i could so relate and by the way-your son was a beautiful boy-so full of life. Thank you for sharing him.

Kay(johnnysmama)

[johnnysmama]

Briansdad

just read about your losing your son, Brian on a sportbike. We lost Johnny on a suzuki gxr 2 weeks after he bought it whenhe hit the back of a semi truck who turned wide-their still not sure why johnny hit him. He was on an army base in Texas on a day off. Seems are 2 boys liked their cars and bikes. Just had to share as I miss him so much and you sound like I feel.

kay(johnnysmama)

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

today was the last day of school before spring break. My third graders were wildly happy that the sun was out today and we spent a great recess under a blue sky. It is supposed to snow here in Chicagoland tonight, but that won't bother me, as I will get to relax no matter the weather and I will have time to go out to the cemetery to see my girl. I will have time to write and visit with all of you. I sit here reading your posts and want to add a tattoo story. Erica was hit by the train and we all gathered at the hospital in Kalamazoo Michigan, she lay there for 5 more days, I think to make sure that all of her buddies and aunties and cousins could come to say goodbye...her car was it an slammed into two boys she college boys she had never met, same age as she, 19, and they got scraped but not hurt. They were the first responders for Eri, running to her car where it finally rested about 300 yards away, they opened her door and said the car was filled with light. Light they said, like God-light. They stayed at the hospital until we arrived so that they could tell us this. What sweetyoung men. Anyway, they said they knew they could not touch her, that she was in very bad shape but that the light was astouonding. They went on to say that they will never take anything ever for granted again because of the girl in the car with light. That next day, the two boys, Joel and Matt, went to the tattoo parlor and had EER printed on their arms, with a chinese symbol for grace and beauty. EER are Erica Eileen Reith's initials. They came back to the hospital each day, and eac day they met more of Eri's family and friends. They went in her room with me to tell her how she changed their lives. In that 5 day span between Erica being hit, to her dying, 82 people went to the Kalamazoo Tattoo shops and had EER and the Chinese symbol for various words; courage and joy, Little Bear, laughter and wind, forever friend, and the one that made my heart beat differently for all time; SISTER. My son has two. I have a nexklace that Eri's Godmom had engraved with EER and the Chinese symbol for Beautiful Daughter. And she is. She will always be my beautiful daughter and not even a fast moving locomotive can steal that away.

Eri's birthday is coming, our fifth without her. Hard to believe.

My heart to you all,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Correction;

the locomotive could not steal that away.

[summergirl]

ericasmom - what a beautiful thing for those two boys Joel and Matt - what a terrible loss for you but to have changed the lives of two young men is truly beautiful, something wonderful from something so tragic. I love that all of those people are walking around with EER as their symbol of love and rememberance. It has been two years, one month and two days since I lost my beautiful Jessica - the pain is still unbearable although getting a little softer with time. God Bless You.

To all - Tavian is at his other Grandmother's tonight and will be there until next Thursday as he is on spring vacation and I have to work - it is so hard when he is not here as I miss his smiling face and innocent personality. He has become such a part of our household that the silence surrounds us when he is away - he can "drive me crazy" at times but I love every minute with him. We have been so blessed to have him in our lives it is hard to imagine where I would be today if Jessica had not brought him into this world - he has at times kept my sanity intact and kept me from following my daughter to where she is now. Today I heard that song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks and I cried as he sang it - how true the words are "I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would go, the way it all would end, our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I would have missed the Dance" - how true that I would rather have had 26 years of dancing with Jessica then to never have danced with her at all.

Love and Peace to all - Kathy 

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

Great video......... wow!

We had a balloon release after Jay's memorial. It took my breath away. I never thought balloons could be so beautiful drifting into the distance.

Thanks so much for sharing!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

Thank you ....... Jay's list made me cry too!  How many people would write, "make it stop raining" on their to do list.  That was our boy......

I guess we both had doodlers.  I know that Jason had a journel but it didn't surface in his things. 

Good luck with the redo on the tattoo ....... mercy!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[briansdad]

Here is a pic of my daughter Jessies tattoo.

[wyomingsal]

Terri,

I saw that your Heavenly daughter's name is Heather Lynn Ingram.  My maiden name is Ingram and my mom's name was Lynn.    God's peace and comfort upon you,

Sal

[mikesmum]

Greg - the footage is just brilliant.  Tears fall, it is a truly inspirational reflection of the love you have now and always for Brian.  The essence of the boy captured forever.  The music...so right.......

Thank you again for sharing your son and giving us an insight into the relationship between a father, son and those who have been touched by both.  The bond between yourself and Brian shows effortlessly throughout the video. - Take Care Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Briansdad:  the video….so much love and spirit and remembrance…you are blessed to have had Brian in your life and so many show that they feel the same way…

 Terri:  Yes, it is so wonderful that so many are walking around with “EER” to spread the love of Erica even more…such an incredible experience for the boys, Joel and Matt.  They are now spreading the spirit of Erica everywhere they go…

 

Kathy:  my goodness, I am so sorry about your tattoo…I do hope you are able to get it fixed to your satisfaction…such a disappointment for you…I understand completely about your feelings for Tavian---Mike’s children make every day worth completing…of course they don’t live with us, but we see them at least every other weekend, and sometimes more, and they generally spend the night when they are here (or two, if they can manage).  True delights.  

Bonnie:  The picture of the balloons is beyond description, I am so glad it was so good for you, such a wonderful picture for you to hold close to your heart.  We tried to do a release for Mike’s angel date, but only got about 5 in the air…hope to do more for his birthday this year.  I love Jason’s “make it stop raining” note also; Mike used to scribble notes everywhere…on his hands or arms if he didn’t have paper.  He worked at a wood shop for a while, and he would bring home a plank of wood with all kinds of notes on it…telephone numbers, whatever.  We once told him that he’d better stop filling up his arms and hands with tattoos because he’d have nowhere to write his little notes!

 Ericasmom (Dee):  I tried to post to you earlier today, but alas, the gremlins caught it as I hit send and “poof” it was gone.  I generally do my post in “Word” and then cut and paste, but thought I would be smarter this time…no dice.  Back to “Word.”  ”She will always be my beautiful daughter and not even a fast moving locomotive can steal that away.”  You are so right…nothing can steal the love we have for our precious children…it will always be there, holding us together even when things get truly tough, as they so often do. 

Johnnysmama:  welcome to BI, though I do very much wish you never had to know of this site…

 Terri and Sherry:  Thank you so much for visiting Mike’s site and your kind words.  I always like visiting our children’s sites…it gives me that much more of a picture of these sweet children who I truly believe have somehow led us all to each other for comfort and friendship, as we walk this journey together, united in our common feelings of sorrow at losing someone so special to us, and sharing our feelings of hope and joy through sharing our memories

Also, Terri:  No, I am from New England, but my husband served in the Air Force for 26 years and we traveled quite a bit, though the only time we went to Michigan was to visit my sister and her family, who lived in Pontiac.  

Trudi:  I happened upon another thread on this site, in which you had written much earlier on about the day you went through your torturous hour at work as you listened to the call for assistance for Mike.  It brought tears to my eyes as I read it…I wish the people at court could read it, and perhaps they might understand a little more about how you felt that day, and the trauma you went through,…pain, unending pain as you listened helplessly…my heart breaks for you.

 love and peace to all

carol  mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For All~ I am thinking about all of you...Please pray for my niece's little one, Madeline. She is almost 8 months old, and she has MRSA....They believe that they are on top of it, she is at home, yet I run soooooooooooooooo scared.

I love you all and am here for you, by heart, always...

LOVE

mamabets