Loss of an Adult Child

[rlolheiser]

Hi.. I am not online at home.. just wanted to tell you all I am ok, I am at the library using their internet.  I appreciate everybody here who has befriended me and I am sorry for the delay in getting online.  I see so many new people.. such a sad world we live in, but also beautiful. 

I don't think I will get online often, just wanted to wish everybody peace and love...   Not more I can really say..   I will survive as long as I am able..  my info on this account is wrong, not the right email.. just not wanting to fix it. 

Take care of yourselves..   I think of you always.. and can never repay the site back for what it gave me.

Bless you all

JaBoa's grandma

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Margee....thanks for sharing....your plants make my heart smile...love that begonia and the caladiums....I hope you sit out there and let Mother Nature have her way with you. We all understand the crying jags....just let them come and wash over you....there simply is no better way to honor your grief. Really....your body and spirit is responding to your broken heart. It is ok...not to be ok. Many call this the 'new normal'....I call it the 'new abnormal'.

Leah....good to hear....sorry you have no connection at your house...but don't worry. We just needed to hear from you....because we care....we have been on this grief journey together....and we are all in your circle. Take care and let us hear whenever you can.

[ericasmom]

Margee, I agree, your deck looks like a good place to land when one needs to have a quiet sanctuary. There is no hurry to get the pots all done, take your time.

Leah, I don't know when you will be able to see our love on the screen...here we are sending our love, sending our hopes and  our care and our prayers. Be well sweet Leah, do what you can to take care of you. YOU! Let us know when you can, how you are doing. You will always be a part of our family here.

Susan, I am glad that your busy times were about family coming to visit rather than your not feeling well. So making those plans to make sure of your land and taxes, and inheritance and whatnot, must have cleared up some of the space that no longer has to take up space. Good for you to take this on.

[Tinay]

I agree. Tuesday is a bad day. Not really how I wanted to put it but I'll leave it that way. It's been 412 days. Still not real. I keep thinking, she would be studying and doing finals. Then she would be done and on to her career. Anyways.

I keep making things as a memorial. Not sure they make me feel better but I do them anyway. I got this box that had an incense burner and incense sticks in it. Thought it's a cool box. I put her picture in and one she'll she had, can't see it behind her picture and some funeral flowers in there. I might change the picture around but for now, it's ok. 

The neighbors upstairs drive me crazy. I don't say anything but don't care if I make noise after hours. The boys are really heavy footed. It's a 20 something son that has his own apartment and why he thinks he can STOMP around, I don't know. I don't want to contact the landlord, mom needs her apartment. Maybe one day I'll talk to her about it. Not good at confrontation. He woke me up one morning with his yelling and mom was yelling at him to get out of her apartment. I went outside and stood in the yard. He came out and asked "can I help you", I just said, I'm wondering what all the commotion is or do I need to call the cops. Mom peeked out and said he is leaving. It quieted down a bit but the stomping s*** hasn't. My ceiling even moves. Ugh

I rambled there sorry. Peace and love to all 

Tina

[ericasmom]

No apologies Tina, it is simply sharing with us...your everyday. We do the same. One day, your 'everyday' will be a quieter and more peaceful time. I hope the boy moves out. I love the box you worked on, and if it makes you feel better to create in your Daughter's honor, her spirit, then keep on...I think that when I write or draw, I am finding my way through a time. Your art is allowing Tinay's light to shine for you.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Tinay....I believe that creativity is a primitive instinct in all of us.....some create great masterpieces...some of us create a small garden....others will paint furniture...or write a poem from a deep well of sorrow...or write a book that can weave a story that many will read and identify with it. I do think what you create comes from a Mama's broken heart...which makes each item very special and sacred. I do admire all that you create with your hands and spirit. Keep it up. You are giving your grief an outlet...giving it a shape...and identity.

Many will take pills to try and give their grief a place to be smothered....some will direct their grief to cause great harm to themselves and family and friends around them. I cannot think of a better way to shine your girl's light than what you are doing for her. I truly believe our children are with us when we create for them.

I hope you get the issue resolved for the upstairs tenant.

[Tommy's mum]

margarettt your deck looks gorgeous. Do not underestimate the power of healing by growing flowers. The soil itself contains healthy micro organisms that help humans as well as the plants. The sun gives you vitamin D and the soft breeze soothe. How lovely a legacy your son left you in your yard you can feel him all around you and know he is smiling at you and your bravery.

tina the love for your daughter shines from your creations thanks for sharing with us. I am sorry your neighbour is so disruptive especially when you need peace and quiet to wind down. I hope you can find a resolution.

leah take care of yourself. Having internet problems is frustrating or being too tired to post. Know you are cared for here.

Today I was feeling a bit down so I sat with a cup of coffee and tried to marshall some energy to do something. Then a robin appeared and sat on my washing line and chirped for a couple minutes then flew off. To many that seems insignificant but I do not have any birds in my garden as my cat is quite predatory and regularly patrols the property. I think maybe it was Tommy sending me a little message. I felt renewed and was able to move myself and tackle some overdue paperwork and spend an hour outside before the rain arrived planting some gladioli and lily bulbs.

so we are halfway through another week now and the weekend is in sight. I wish you all love and peace.

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

I had an interview today. Asked nique to help me nail it if it is the right job for me.  I tried very hard and feel really good about it.  I have another interview next week. 

[ericasmom]

Lesley, robins are magical birds, their song, their industrious nature, their intuitiveness...have always communicated with robins. Yours are so different looking than ours. We have two robins nests this year, one on the east side of the house, one on the west side. I am thrilled.

Virginia, I am very happy for you to have had a good interview and more scheduled. I am glad that you speak to Nique...I speak to my Girl each day still, it comes naturally to me, and it sounds like it does for you too.

[TearsInHeaven]

Leah,  so glad to see that you are doing ok. We were all concerned about you.  Sorry you have limited access butjust knowing you are well.  You will certainly have a lot of positive thoughts and prayers heading your way.

Lesley, for the last couple of years I have had a 'friendly robin in my yard and ALWAYS equated that with Michael.  I would talk to the robin and he would stand there while I did, as opposed to flying away. This year I have about 4 of them around so in my mind he brought some buddies.(Sadly in his young life he lost a lot of friends for many reasons).  It is my spring and summer comfort trigger.

Margarett, what beautiful flowers.  I so love flowers and in my younger years they were planted all around the house. As my joints go bad I started planters.  When my granddaughter was born we spent so much time in Indianapolis I could not keep up. They moved to Laramie after we lost Michael and I lost the urge plus we would sometimes be out there for 3 weeks so still not being properly cared for.  Maybe someday... then I will be asking all of you gardeners for tips.

Virginia,  good luck on your interview.Hope things work out the best possible way for you.  Glad to hear you started talking to Nique.  I too talk to Michael all the time. Good, bad, lighthearted, funny.  He had one of those deep laughs that was so unique and I swear sometimes I hear him laugh. 

Susan, glad your busy ness was family and projects.  I know how hard it is to get your estate in order.  We did that last summer and it was difficult.  We only have Heather and Piper but all of the situations you have to address...some were just plain hard.

Tina, your creativity is a good outlet for grief. Your box is so pretty.  Kiona brings you good inspiration.

Luanne,  Winnipeg better knock out those Predators tonight... but then they would face the Knights. Should be interesting.

Dee, counting the days, I am sure, until school is out. Hopefully the weather will stay like today until you and your kids get out of that hot room.

[peggy a sad mom]

good luck virginia! i am here i am here at least twice a day. i believe all i have to do is put in my password on my cell to be able to write back. i can't remember where i put it i will look today. i have been getting by somewhat at work. i don't always feel guilty about that but sometimes i do. i know ron understands because i have always worked so much and i always try to give it my all at least for 8 hrs. 10 more days will be 4 months i just can't believe that i miss him so much. i am still lost i just don't know where the rest of my life is heading. that's a part of how i felt before he left me cause of my job. now it's because of him.i feel like my body could go and do what it wants but my heart can't and my is winning. flowers in the yard is beautiful. i live in a townhouse so i don't do much but put my plants outside for the summer. thanks for listening

peggy

[MargeeTx]

Oh my goodness, Peggy: our lost dates are only 3 days apart.  There is another lady who is right with us.   There are times that it feels as if Jason has been gone FOREVER and then other times that it seems like it just happened.  My world is still so convoluted and bizarre.  I talk with Jason's twin, Meredith, every day.....she is having frequent dreams about and with Jason in them.  I still have not had a dream visitation.   Their birthday is June 7th.....this will be most difficult.  And, my youngest son, Jeremy, lives 15 miles from me... I have 2 grandsons.   They are wanting us to come to their house for Mother's Day.  A big part of me wants to ignore the entire day.  Not sure I can because of Carson and Ryder.  Being GRAND MA-ma is pretty  special.  

Update:  the back deck is planted.... yea.   Mike is reprainting a couple of my large planters in the front.   I hope to get them potted up tomorrow.  

I have missed Jason so much since I have been outside..... for at least the last 6 years, he was my 'gardening helper' ..... he and I would always make changes and usually do a few things differently each year.   I can see /feel him drinking his Bud light..... me with my lemonade and we would all of a sudden be at the garden shop or Home Depot .  Never again, huh?  Ok, I am bawling again so I will read/write/ listen to all of you tomorrow.

 

[peggy a sad mom]

 

 

margarett 3 days apart and they were both 44 yrs. old. i don't have other children or grandchildren. you can't miss what you never had at least for i only miss what i had.

[Tinay]

A long time friend sent me these for mother's day. She did it last year too. No words can describe my emtions. My kiona would have loved them. 

Peace and love to all 

Tina

PS. I don't know if anyone can but there are roses in the bouquet too

[Tinay]

Oops. After I submitted reply, I noticed the whole picture did show. Oh well

Tina

[peggy a sad mom]

Beautiful tina

[ericasmom]

Tina, how wonderful to receive flowers from a friend...she must understand the weight of your grief to know that someone celebrating your being a Mom is quite special. Give your friend a hug from me...and know that no matter what, you will always be your sweet Girl's Mom.

[MargeeTx]

Peggy:   The grandchildren are such a blessing;  however,  many times, all I can think about is how they never really had the chance to know their Uncle Jason.  

I wonder if I am the only crazy person who relates EVERYTHING to losing my Jason....places he had been; his reactions to life; how he felt about food, the weather, the only type of jeans that he would wear ( size 34-36), a building or bridge that he worked on or a new something being built, his moods, the kind of girl he liked to date, his tattoos ( that I did not like), what he liked to watch on TV, etc,etc, etc, etc.

His hugs and how he could always tell how much weight I have lost, and I never had extra to lose ( health story).  He would bring me huge chocolate shakes and try and try to make me drink the whole thing.  He would take me to his gym and act like my personal trainer.  I wasn't very good with that.

He always told me that he had talked with me about 'stuff' he never told anyone else.  He is gone and I know he had so much more to tell me.

He always grew me tomatoes in a pot on his apartment deck.

I am missing him more.... not less.  My heart will never be full again.

[NiquesMom]

 This month is always hard.  My daughter would have turned 19 memorial day weekend.  My son turns 5 next week.  May has always been a busy month. 

I think of nique all day,  relate everything to her, so I understand what you are saying margee. I wonder if she would like us moving,  if she would have come with us,  what I would have done for her birthday.  When we go to a restaurant,  I think of what she would have liked or hated.  When we watch a movie,  anywhere we go,  would she have liked this??

I talk about her all the time,  especially to my husband and son.  Some people get weird when i mention her,  but i don't care,  she is always in my mind and I have not been good at ever keeping my mouth shut. 

It will be  5 months on the 21st. Right between both the kids birthdays.

Margee I wish I could hug you. 

Peace to all

[Tommy's mum]

Margarett I am always thinking of things thatI want to talk to Tommy about. We could talk about a lot of stuff. he knew when he was doing drugs I did not like his choices or the behaviours but that he would always be my beloved son and I would always love him no matter what. It is heartbreaking that we could not see him again celebrating his sobriety and see how his life had improved and how happy and settled he was. It still feels unreal that we will not see him again in our lifetime but like Virginia I talk to him all the time and know he is always with me. Love never dies remember that.

tina what a lovely bouquet it must have really made you feel loved. We celebrate the UK Mother's day in March but my kids and I celebrate the USA mother's day because that is the way we have always done it. My daughter emily bought me flowers when she was down and I know my other two kids will call me and send a card. I still feel the loss of Tommy being in touch but he will be grinning down at me on sunday I know. Mother's day is one of those really tough days for us bereaved moms just as father's day is hard for all the bereaved dads. We all need to honour it or not whatever feels right for us as individuals.

virginia good luck with the job search. If it is right for you it will turn out ok and if not it was never right for you. I do believe fate has a hand in our lives.

dianne since I broke my ankle and have been disabled I do more planters and pots too because they are easier to access. I hope you find the urge again to grow pretty things there are some plants that thrive on some neglect.

[ericasmom]

Dianne, I am glad for the nice cool temps as the classroom is much more comfortable. I am counting the days due to the crazy administration, but I will deeply miss this group of kids. They are definitely a piece of my heart.

 

[ericasmom]

Peg, good to see you here. I hope that managing is becoming less exhausting, but you and Margee are at the same place, and I remember that time too, it is truly the hardest time in my memory of grief, that first year, the firsts of all that grief brings. And Margee, it is normal to be thinking in those terms...as though all things that breeze through your brain/herat are attached to your Son...his life and his death. That is how we find any kind of order to our grief, we have to see all things through the lens of our before and our since eyes...one day your heart will be more put together than it can be right now...I promise.

[peggy a sad mom]

i also relate everything to my son. after he left is when i noticed everything was about him when he was here. wonder if ronnie wants this wonder if he wants to go where ever wonder this and that all the time. i never ever noticed it until he passed. well it seemed to be slightly better but now we are two days away from mothers day. 44 years spent with him yes it's the first. i am hoping that leading up to it is not as bad as the day itself. a lot of you say that sometimes. i also do the same thing with tv shows. omg he would have loved the new roseann 20yrs ago we never missed it couldn't wait for it to come on. now i watch it alone and think of him. dee thanks for always being there

peggy

[Jeff's Mom]

I just wanted to stop by to to say that I understand how difficult this coming weekend is for all of us regardless of how much time has passed. My sincere wish is that everyone both old and new will find some sense of peace and tenderness in the memories that are brought to mind on this very special day... Mothers Day. We may not have had our child in our lives for long... but what a gift that we did have the time to share with them we did. I am so grateful for the years and wonderful occasions that I shared with my son. I will always be so proud to have had him for my son. And so on Sunday through the sadness at his absence I will force those wonderful memories to the surface and embrace them. 

Dianne, LouAnn, well I can only say... Go Jets GO! Pretty good game last night. Hubby is one happy camper today. We shall see how things go tomorrow against Vegas. 

Sherry... the weather has been a series of ups and downs. I have really enjoyed seeing the pictures posted by everyone of the beautiful flowers! Thanks so much. I am never happier than when I am at work in my garden. The farmers are desperate for rain... as we have not had a drop in well over a month. The winds are blowing the dust around like crazy. Very hard on anyone with allergies. Not to mention the farmers are having a fit. 

Dee, we had one day of 30C/86F on Monday. We actually broke a record in Winnipeg the other night going down to -8C. Just crazy! I know you will miss your kids when school ends. 

Leah, thanks for letting us know you are okay. Post if you are ever inclined. I always love to hear from you.

Wishing you ALL, a lovely Mothers Day weekend.

Kate

[NiquesMom]

My daughter visited! I was talking to my sister in law, who has abilities.  Had been chatting for about an hour and we were talking about how my ex treated nique, and she came through! My mom was there too. Nique was excited about how she can understand everything now.  It made me cry but i told her to always let me know if nique comes through.  I wish I could see her,  but am so grateful that she can send messages through beth. 

Nique is watching out for us,  helping us and I know I will see her again one day.  Yesterday was really hard,  cried so hard that my heart hurt,  so for her to come through last night was the best. 

Peace to all,  hugs to all

 

[ericasmom]

Oh Virginia, I am so glad that Nique was there for you, letting you know that she is watching out for you all. Has your sis-in-law always had this ability? Wonderful news.

[Mermaid Tears]

Virginia....I do believe that our loved ones can come through the veil. This is a gift from the Universe for you....so happy for you....hold on tight to your sacred gift and girl. Our child/children still have their energy and light.

[Jeff's Mom]

Virginia, how lovely that your sweet girl let you know that she was close and aware of you! What a special gift given at such a difficult time with Mothers Day so close at hand. I hope that tomorrow it will help to comfort you in the knowledge that you will see her again. Life does continue after here. 

[Tommy's mum]

virginia how lovely for you to connect with Nique. She will always be with you by your side and is happy where she is, remember that always.

kate kind and wise words of advice concerning the upcoming Mother's day. For sure it will be a sad day for all of us missing our spirit children but hopefully each one of us can find a tiny shred of happier memories to sustain us.

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

Ericasmom,  she has.  One week after nique died I spent 4 hours with her, and nique gave me a lot of closure.  When I talk with my sister in law, I don't ask her to try and connect.  So I was very surprised that nique came through.  I had been very upset all day about the lawyers and money,  feeling like I sold nique.  Cried so hard my heart hurt.  So it soothed me when she came through and the things she said.

[TearsInHeaven]

Virgina,  truly the most precious gift you could have received---knowing Nique is there for you.  And thanks for sharing such a moment with us as it renews all of our beliefs that there is something out there where our children are.

[Tommy's mum]

[TearsInHeaven]

[Jeff's Mom]

Always Remembered on this most special of days! Beautiful memories fill my heart as I think of you today my boy. My Jeff. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful and beautiful day of wonderful memories.

Kate 

[NiquesMom]

[NiquesMom]

By the way,  reading a fantastic book right now.  "The Afterlife of Billy Fingers." It's an easy read,  started it last night and halfway through.  Check it out.

[ericasmom]

May we always know that we continue to be Mothers, that we are loved from the Heavens and our love continues to shower upon our Child, Children. While we are changed by the losses we incurred, nothing can change the simple facts of our parent/child love and connection. Peace on this day and each day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sending thoughts of care to all parents on this site....especially the new parents that are facing their first Mother's Day without their child on this earth home. I can remember my first...and it was the people on this site that helped me navigate this hateful journey. For the parents that have other children...please let them love, dote and celebrate with you....sibling grief is so ignored...and yet...they have deep grief and sadness.....and the other deep sorrow they carry is they cannot fix it for their parents. Each family has their own dynamic....and when a parent allows their other children to be a part of their grief...(talking to them and letting them know you understand their grief)...then the family can have a circle of healing. Tiny steps of healing. This kind of grief has no instant anything....no magical pills. Please be kind and gentle to yourself and others.

Peggy....there simply has to be special guardian angels for parents that lose on only child...we had a parent named Wade....he lost his only son. You are thought of and I can only hope that you find a soft spot to land on today.

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO     INDIGOS.........THANKS TO ALL FOR THE LOVELY MOTHER'S DAY  SENTIMENTS.

Kate-----We did get some rain, which helped a lot on the crops.  Our neighbor farm has corn

up a few inches. Yes,.....the dust is quite a challenge to those with allergies.  My husband has

allergies,.....so the dust that's flying  around causes misery.

 

Tina------So very thoughtful for your friend to send you flowers for Mother's Day.  

Margee and Peggy-------Thoughts & prayers for you with all the "firsts"  during the first year.

Wishing you peace & comfort.

 

Leah-----Good to see your post, and that you are doing ok.  

Susan-----Thanks so much for the screen shots.......such true words.

 

Lesley-------Yes,......the souls of ourselves and our beloved children that left this world too soon,

are connected forever.

WISHING PEACE  AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry

  

[shorty16]

Happy Mothers Day to all.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

[Somersky]

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

[ericasmom]

Love that last screen shot Kristin...

How have you been?

Sara, what about you? How are you doing these days?

Sandy, have you been doing okay? Have not seen you for some time now.

[peggy a sad mom]

My first is almost over. I'm getting in to bed now. It was by all means not an easy day. It's just so hard I miss him so much

Peggy

[ericasmom]

Nothing easy about it Peg, but you did it and Ronnie is beaming on his Mom.

[Tommy's mum]

just checking in to see if everyone is OK after Mother's day which is an exceptionally hard day for us all. For me it was both sad and happy but I understand that for others it is just a painful day a reminder of the past and that it will never feel the same way it used to. Peggy for you my heart goes out as you lost your only boy your Ronnie but I know he was watching you and sending his love to you from where he now is.

[ericasmom]

Really, Mom Day has never been a favorite of mine...my own mom had issues of depression and we were all abused by our dad on her watch...so I have always had issues there, then I had kids and while I was joyous, I was plauged by the abuse, and married a man who at that time, revealed that he was neglectful of me and was an alcoholic...bless his heart, he later became a good dad, much later, but then Mother's Day was me and the kids and no big deal...so I made the most of Mom day with my sisters and all the children...then Erz died and mother's day took on a loneliness. A few years after Eri died, my Son and I flew to San Francisco to celebrate Mom Day, had Dim Sum and wandered the city. It was a delight and so since then, can wrap my heart around it again. Now, I love it, due to my Son and his Kids but I don't go overboard.

[peggy a sad mom]

thank you lesley, dee and sherry. it was bad so so bad. just like when it was the first week. you never forget those first days because they always come back to remind you. i had a dream about him my first it was quick but nice i opened my front door and he was standing on the side laughing so hard. i got so scared someone was outside my door i jumped i really jumped and woke myself up. so it was only a few seconds but i'll take it. 

peggy

[Jeff's Mom]

I guess I have always loved special occasions. I'm like a kid. I get excited and have always tried to make it special in my own way. It has been particularly difficult since Jeff died. Still I was determined to keep plugging along and try to find the simple joys of every occasion. Of course it is sad without my son. The funny thing is that I feel he is particularly close to me at these times. Little signs sent to tell me that he is still close at hand and to keep doing my best to forage ahead. It always seems to be this way. He so loved the anticipation of an event. As do I. Yesterday was okay. We took flowers into the bench before following through with our other plans. As I left this time I had the feeling that he was very near me. I had not left him behind. He is along for the journey. And that is in a nutshell how I manage to make it through. Nobody said it was easy. I can tell you this much...when I see him again I am hanging on to him for dear life. Major Mom hug. It softens with time. It never gets easy. We find strengths we never thought we had. And we keep going.  

[ericasmom]

It softens with time. It never gets easy. We find strengths we never thought we had. And we keep going.  

Well said Kate, it softens for sure and I too, have always been lucky to have signs from my little girl/woman. And Peg, that brief dream is a agreat thing, so glad thatyou had it. I know you want more, but sometimes you have to tuck that feeling into your heart to keep you going, a little battery-pack for the coming storms. Ronnie was at the door to show you that he carries on nearby...and laughing I'd say was a good sign that all is fine and good for him. Hang on to that.

[MargeeTx]

Hello all:  I made it through yesterday.   All I could think about was Jason, and that he is gone forever.  We spent the afternoon with Jeremy, Natalie and the boys.  Played some in the pool... but it all seemed 'fake'.   It seemed like a very sad movie, and I had a strange role in it.  I didn't cry until later, when I sat in  the hot tub with a glass of wine, later, and by myself. The sun came up this morning...and Monday came.  It all goes on, and now, I will try to sleep.  But I know one  thing....life is different now.....very different.  

I am thinking of all of you.  I treasure your experiences and your sharing of how it is.  Thank you for being here.