Loss of an Adult Child

[Ricky's mom , Wendy]

Tears in heaven...I'm in Texas.  I'm limited on the things I can do physically but I'm trying.  I use to walk my dogs 5 miles a day but now that seems like an impossible task to achieve.  I feel so bad for them cause they don't understand why mommy won't do things with them anymore.  I totally understand the losing everyone.  I lost my daughter for a bit over all this and it was hard esp after finding out a week before Ricky went away that she was pregnant with our first grandchild.  I also lost my bestfriend due to getting caught up in the situation with my daughter and telling me ,"I needed to move on, get over it!" I feel all alone in this.  My husband does try to support me however he is only home 2 weeks out of the month for working out of state.  I spend allot of time alone.  You find out who your true friends are when something devastating happens.  Sad but true!

Daveydow1... yes, I have pics of his car that I took when I went to the pound to get his belongings out of it.  I wish now that I had let someone else do that.  I keep having nightmares of the wreck and of me digging through the car and prying metal apart to get a bracelet we had gotten him for Christmas out from between his seat and frame.  It now hangs in my car on the mirror.  

Johngeoffdoug...I feel so sad for the images that are imprinted in your husbands mind.  We were woke up at 4:30 am by two officers at our door. My husband misunderstood what they were saying and thought they were asking for Ricky.  He thought they wanted him to call the morgue and when he came back to bed he told me it was police at the door.  I immediately freaked out and called my daughter to check on her trying to figure out why the morgue wanted my son to call them.  Then I called his phone 6 times with no answer of course.  I then called the morgue myself only to find out it was my son that was there.  I had to identify him by his tattoos.  They wouldn't let me come there to do it so it was over the phone.  My husband had to take the phone away from me to finish talking to them cause I was unable to talk.  Without my husband I don't think I would've been able to everything that needed doing.  I didn't get to see my son till the funeral home picked him up.  The morgue had told my sister that he was in bad shape and didn't think we would be able to have an open casket.  When the funeral home got him I had to sign a release paper to see him.  I was advised against it, but I needed to know if it was my baby.  He had one eye open and that's all I see now.  I see his baby blue looking at me.  Then one of his friends found a post on Facebook about a girl talking about a wreck she was in that night.  We found out he had hit the exit retaining wall which knocked out all of his lights and he ended up parked sideways 3 lanes over, then the girl that had made the post t-boned him which sent both spinning back into the wall on the first lane then another car rear-ended her.  He died instantly, so they tell me.  They are just not sure if he died when he hit the wall the first time or when he got t-boned. He had multiple head fractures, broke neck and his right arm was crushed.  He wasn't wearing his seatbelt and we got the toxicology report back yesterday, he was drunk.  He had been battling alcohol for a while.  He had just lost one of his bestfriends in a drunk driving accident and was having a hard time with that.  He had been clean for 5 mths prior to this.  I haven't had any counseling for this but I know I should.  I just want the nightmares to stop.  It seems like it is everynight now. I was put on meds to help but they don't.  All they did was put weight on me so I've stopped taking them.  My anxiety and panic attacks have gone through the roof.  We had to put his funeral off due to his brother lives in FL and was graduating college.  I didn't want him to have to choose graduation or his brothers funeral. We choose to have him cremated due to finances and had no life insurance on the kids.  I'm glad we chose that cause now I have him home with me and was able to use some of his ashes to get a tattoo in remembrance of him. I also took his signature off of the last card he had given me to put in the tattoo.  I go to the crash site where we placed a cross cause that is where he was last.  I know he isn't there but it eases my mind.  I sit with him for hrs on the side of the highway talking to him, yelling at him and trying to understand.  

Jesse and Shorty...thank you so much.  

I pray for peace for all the bereaved parents! 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Wendy-----Many times we, as bereaved parents, feel alone......like no one

truly understands our sorrow & pain when we lose a beloved child.   That

is why this site is so helpful.  We can come to this site, and pour out our

thoughts and sorrow.....anytime...day or night.  There is no judgement here,

and no "rules" for posting. This site can be a lifeline for many who find that

they have no one to talk to, in order to express the way they are feeling at

any given time.  I'm sorry you are having nightmares and panic attacks, and

pray that they will subside some.  Please come back here and read/post

whenever you are able. Your dear Ricky will be with you..... always, with love, in your heart.

  Wishing you peace.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Just stopping in for a moment to say thank you to everyone for thinking of me and Trista. Her Angel day was spent with my family and my friend and her girls. We did our balloon release and I think it was good for both of us. My friend and I put the kids to bed and sat up talking until 5 am. We both were feeling the next day as the kids drug us around but it was so nice to have that time to catch up with her. The days before and after were much harder but that's something I have come to expect. I had a very vivid dream of my Girl just a few days after and I know she was with me.

I see so many new faces. Please know you have found a good place. I don't have much time right now but there is always someone here willing to reach out their hand. I'm so so sorry you have to be here but this place is full of compassion and understanding.

I recently had blood work done because I'd had some dizziness, fatigue, just not feeling well. It seems my autoimmune disorder is back in full swing. When I was in my 20's I got very sick. There were times I couldn't even walk. I was sent to specialist after specialist and it took nearly two years to get a diagnosis of Mixed Connective Tissue Disease. Once I was finally diagnosed I was given treatment options that were pretty scary. One was a chemotherapy drug, the other known to cause cancer. Both required me to sign waivers stating that I understood the very serious risks involved. I put it off as long as I could but the pain was terrible and I had two young children and taught pre-K. When I finally tried the medication, the first dose alone put me in the hospital with side effects. I quit taking it and saw an herbalist and other natural health practitioners. I read everything on natural treatments for autoimmune disease and completely changed my lifestyle. It took a while but eventually I went into basically a complete remission. I haven't had any problems in years and years except some minor pain now and then and knowing when I've overdone it. Well, apparently the treatment options haven't changed much so I'm taking the natural route again. I've stuck to many of the changes I made back then but like with anything else, once I was better I wasn't so strict. Time to change things. I'm starting those hebalism classes I've been planning to take. I keep putting them off because things have been so hectic but I think now is the time.

Thinking of all today and thank you all so much for your words and pictures for my Trista. It means so much. I will log in later on to catch up on reading.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Hello All, I am in the busy times and can not write but I am with you all and reading. School is out tomorrow but there is much yet to do, so I wll catch up in a few days. I am thinking of you All, sending extra hope to those new to this horrid pain, we are holding your hands and hearts...breathe.

 

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

I'm feeling so so sad. Just have this yearning for James. I want to hug him again xxx

The most beautiful people we have ever known are those who have a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."

"I miss you James. I will Love you forever and ever you were one of a kind and the world is not the same without you in it "

mum xxxx 

[JD's Mom, Becky]

To the many new parents here, hold on with both hands, we will make it through together. I remember well going to the hospital  to ID my son. I remember the shock , the pain deep in my heart and spilling out of my eyes, I remember talking softly to him, as I held his hand trying to bring warmth back into it, telling him not to be afraid, that God would take him home to heaven, and we'd be there soon, I remember trying to find a clean spot on his face, without a bruise or scrape or blood, and kissing him near the top of his forehead. The days that followed  were a blur, planning his funeral, trying to make sense of it all... I also remember and know that because of this forum, this kind group of people who have each suffered through their own individual hell with their own child loss, I was able to share each step here and found comfort and guidance unlike any other source. Thank you all, particularly those that have stayed for so long and continue to pour out their hearts in an effort to reach back and help someone else along the way!

Early in my grief I wrote a lot of poems to try to bring to surface what I was feeling. Here is one such poem 

 

  

 This  was written about 10 months after losing Jared. I am here to tell you that even though it may seem impossible to believe right now, how you feel will change. It will get "softer", and memories of the good and sweet times will come to mind. Hold on...

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Donnah, Tina, Cheryl, Wendy, and any others who are newer here... What Becky wrote is true as hard as it is to believe right now. I just passed the third anniversary of my Daughter's passing. Three years and it still seems like yesterday... but I have slowly learned to carry this grief a little better. I don't think the grief lessens necessarily because it can still hit like a ton of bricks. It is a forever thing just like my love for my Daughter. I will grieve as long as I love... forever...  but I have found strength I never knew I had in order to be able to carry it. A big part of finding that strength came from being here and reading and sharing with others who have walked this path before me. I am so thankful to all those who stay here for those who find themselves facing this terrible pain. Keep sharing as your able.

I lost Trista to an accident when a tanker truck hit the vehicle she was a passenger in. I understand the feelings of seeing those images. I made it to the scene before they were able to remover her from the car. I saw it all. Because it was on the news and there was extended talk about the dangers of the intersection... I still can't google her name without those images and the news reports showing up.

Becky, The last line of your poem... I pray for God to give me strength to walk this path 'til then... My prayer every day.

Lora, I have been thinking of you as well and of beautiful Cara. Last week I was taking a lot of time to look through pictures and remember... and I saw Cara's smile... along with others. I have so many pictures on my computer of the other Angels here. Thank you for thinking of me and of Tris. I will be keeping in you in my heart and thoughts as Cara's Angel Day approaches.

Dee, Zak has been out of school for two weeks now. I guess we get out a little earlier here. We probably start back sooner too though. Thinking of you as you are going through the 'end of the year craziness'. Thank you for all you do for all of us here.

Susan, I didn't know anything about the flooding. I'm staying away from the news right now. I am off of all social media. I kind of went 'off grid' for the summer. I'm in this extremely emotional place where even the news makes me cry so I just turned it all off. I'm so glad you aren't hit as hard as some. I feel awful for those affected by this crazy weather.

Georgina, James is such a handsome young man. His smile is infectious. I know your heart is aching for him. I love the quote you shared and believe there is a lot of truth there.

I'm heading out to the garden and to feed some baby goats. Hugs to all and sending wishes for a peaceful day.

Shannon

 

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[Mermaid Tears]

I had time to get on the site yesterday and read the latest postings...but no time to 'write/chat'....

Our community has had it's share of tragedy...a sophomore boy...was helping his church group clean up lawns for the elderly in their church when a tree fell on him...he died instantly....his Mom teaches Chemistry in High School..he played football and just an amazing young man and family....and the little brother was Hunter Bear's 'little Cub'...(that is when a Jr./Sr. football player adopts a young boy for the football season and they get to walk out on the field with them before the game)...a Sr. boy had a very bad flood related car wreck..he is still in a coma...commencement had to be held in the High School auditorium due to rain..we still have severe flooding anywhere around the Brazos river...and many other places in Texas...we did not have any damage/or flooding in our home nor did my apartment complex..but so many did..our community is rising up and circling the wagons for our neighbors..

We had a huge celebration gathering at my house on Sunday...to celebrate Austin graduating from University of Texas...and our twins...Taylor and Hunter Bear graduating from High School.....a huge crowd...but we had Austin's friends and their families...Taylor's friends and their families...Hunter Bear and his friends and families...and we let Pibby invite lots of her friends...it seemed like we had the whole football/baseball/soccer teams...my sister and Daniel's sisters/friends could not make it because of road closures...I also hosted a dinner/gathering before graduation...it took a herculean effort to get our backyard cleaned up...had a good work crew to get it cleaned and trimmed and then had the tents put up. Sunday turned out to be sunny and bright...for the party....a blessing. It was very emotional for my daughter...and I remembering how sacred it felt when I held my baby's baby.  I was very emotional getting all the decorations done...each photo seemed to have a story...and the portals opened up when I was gathering them up...and John David was 'there'....I live in such a 'before and after' time frame now...'that was then...this is now'....I could feel as if I was going to go down a rabbit hole in some of those moments...and I had to wrap a invisible 'Superman Cape' around myself to keep myself afloat and strong to get it all done. When those memories hit you it feels so physical...and it can make you feel like you are coming down with a flu...and want to drag yourself to bed. Graduation is such a milestone and emotional one for a parent/grandparent in itself without dealing with 'the empty chair'.

We had to cancel Pibby's 13th birthday party on June 2nd because of the rain...she and I once again ordered the decorations for her 'pool party' at my house...we plan on next week...fingers crossed to pick a day without rain....she is in Cheerleader Camp this week...we were trying to have it tomorrow but time restraints because of camp. She has been such a good sport about it all.

1- Hunter Bear and Pibby at Maifest...2-Tay Tay....3 Tay Tay   4- Austin....5 Hunter Bear...(same football jersey number as John David)....

[daveydow1]

Susan-----thank you for posting all those great pics of your family.  I'm

sure you are so proud of all of them, and that there's loads of love in your family!

 

Shannon------Sending thoughts & prayers that you will again get

relief from your illness through the herbal treatment that worked so

well for you in the past.  Peace to you.

 

Georgina-----Such nice pics of James.  Missing our beloved children

who left this world too soon, is sadly a part of this rough road we will

always carry with us.   Take care, and wishing you peace.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[Ricky's mom , Wendy]

Saw this yesterday and just wanted to share.

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Wendy,
Thank you for sharing that today. It was honestly just what I needed. Sometimes, I need a reminder of things I thought I already knew.

Thanks for the thoughts on my health issues. I'm really ok right now. I have elevated white blood cell count with no infection present so that's the first sign that my immune system is going in to overdrive. Other than some joint and muscle pain and some fatigue it's not bad. I do know how debilitating it can be though, so I'm glad It's caught and I can stay ahead of it. I read an article about the connection between trauma and autoimmune disease. That's not to say that everyone who has an autoimmune issue has had trauma or vice versa but there is a definite connection for a lot of people. It makes me know, even more, I have to find that balance in that mind-body-spirit connection. I started my herbalist classes yesterday and I'm really excited about it.

Dianne, Love the good news about the work contract!

Wishing a peaceful day to all, Shannon

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

A picture from our balloon release on Trista's Angel Day. <3

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

Today has been terrible.  Finally went to scene of accident and Tony flew away all over again.  I can't even smell the roses...... I thought I would feel better, but I feel 100 times worst.  All the debri is still there as if no one care.  

Antonio Donte Stewart you were love more than you know, if that is possible.  I love you my son.  

Will the tears ever stop? Will the sun ever shine again?

[ericasmom]

One day the sun will shine again Cheryl, and you will be able to smell the scent of all of springs offerings, but not this spring probably. Maybe next spring you will hear the birds again and feel the air warm for summer, but that first year is so damn draining, so hard to find one's daily balance, let alone know what to do with the sadness, anger, devastation, worry, there are so many negatives that get in the way of finding a way to breathe and walk again, but I promise you as one who was where you are now, it will not always be as it is today. I am so sorry that today has been so horrid, I remember feeling like that, when nothing felt like it could ever matter again...hang on though, you are going to find your way to through this day adn then you can hopefully sleep and get some energy back. Remember that nothing depletes our immune system more than this kind of grief. Even if it feels worse that you saw the accident site, it may actually go a long way to your not wondering about it. Now you can ask the city/county whose job it is to clean the area up? You can ask if they have an adopt a road program which helps to keep clean the areas surrounding the roads, and if they do, it might be nice to adopt it in your Son's name.

Shannon, I am very glad that you are back in your classes, you are the perfect person to live by this kind of lifestyle, and I am sure that you will be feeling better soon. The balloons are gorgeous, love the dove balloon flying alongside.

Wendy, the piece you posted is wonderful, thank you. I do believe that we miss many signs from our Sweeties especially in the beginning of grief because we are so overwhelmed by the experience, so heavy hearted...it is hard to realize that those little pennies on the ground may have been for you, or the song on the radio at  just the time you needed to hear it most...or the rainbow in your rearview mirror and a myriad of other wonderful ways our Babies contact us. Just listen when it is quiet, to your own heartbeat and know that it is beating for you both. He will show you.

School is officially out, I cleaned and packed up books and did a ton of stuff at school today, I will go back tomorrow for a bit of cleaning and then FREEDOM> For those of you new here, I teach third grade at the school where both of my Kids went when they were 'kids'. I did not teach there then, but being there has been great for me. I got the job while Erica was still alive, she died in 2003. I am facing the 13th mark of time, as is Sherry. It will change over time, this grief, but it does not go away, why would it? These are our Children. We shall never forget when they arrived, nor all those wonderful stories of their lives...why would we get over, or forget their deaths. When folks say " get on with your lives" you can tell them that breathing and walking and sometimes sleeping is getting on with this new life. Each day there may be some new thing your heart and mind will be able to accompish, but there will be many when you can't. Life has turned inside out, and grief is a process so those who really cannot tolerate us in our grief, need not attend the rest of our lives. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to family/friends who can't handle our changes. It is their problem, we have quite enough of our own. Free yourself from some of that bad karma and allow your grief. The only damn way through the darkest days is right through them. That is getting on with your life.

[Sholl1955]

Hello.  I am just stopping in to say that I think of you all often.  I have not been on much since the changes in the site but think of many of you and your sweet children many times.

Have a restful evening.

Sandy

 

 

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

Wendy, that was very beautiful.  Exactly what I needed to start my day.

Dee, I am glad to have found this site.   Reading the posts from everyone who is walking or has walked in my shoes help.  I will check with the city to see you is responsible for cleaning up the road. If they don't have an adopt the highway program, then maybe that is something I will throw all my energy in to get started.  

I am just going to try and hold on hoping each passing day give me a little more peace.  Peace is something I have not found since Tony's angel date. I start off each day, thanking the Lord for waking me up and ask for a good day.  I tell Tony good morning and ask if he is enjoying himself in Heaven's playground.  Just waiting for some kind of sign.  I never thought I would be a person who would go to the grave site and just lay on the spot where he is, but oh well, I try to find peace and comfort where I can.

I have another son and I feel bad sometimes, that I am not giving him all my attention.  Just don't know how to at this moment.  He is very supportive!. My husband won't even acknowledge the pain.  Grief is personal, so I let him be. 

Shannon, the tribute were beautiful. I am sure your precious angel reach out and caught one.

I wish you all a blessed day.

Cheryl

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Cheryl,

I also did/do a lot of things I would never have thought I would. It's minute by minute and whatever our hearts need is ok. I remember going to the site of the accident the first time and the experience was much like yours... so so painful and there was also still debris. I think something like the adopt a highway would be a good thing to put some energy in to. I do know, where I'm from if a person adopts a highway they will put up a sign and you can have it done in honor or memory of someone. I don't know if that's everywhere.

Dee,

So glad you are on your way to summer freedom! Thank you for your thoughts on our balloons. I love the doves too. You can't tell from the picture but we filled the balloons with messages to Tris and Tanya, my friend's Mom.

Susan,

I loved seeing all your pictures. You have a beautiful family and so much happiness in their smiles.

Last night Aiden and I decided to have a fire outside and make s'mores and do sparklers. It was still a little cooler last night which made it perfect for a fire. Aiden got sleepy and curled up on the patio couch and fell asleep under the stars. I sat for the longest time just watching the fireflies and talking to Tris. It was truly a beautiful night and when everything is silent and I'm alone, I can really almost feel her sitting there beside me as I talk to her. I miss her physical presence so so much but those quiet moments when I can feel her so strongly help keep me going. When Aiden woke up this morning he was irritated to find himself in bed as he wanted to sleep outdoors. So tonight we will put up the tent and have a backyard camp out.

Peace to all, Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

When I wake up...I ask...'What will I do without you'....and then I pray for strength to sustain me...

I found out that the only way one can know what this kind of grief is like is to lose a child. There simply isn't a book...a movie...a lecture...a course...that can teach you what this is like....one of my oldest and best friends lost a beautiful daughter to cancer back in 1993....I 'thought' I was there for her...now...after losing John David...I feel very bad that I did not do more for her....she died 1 1/2 years later...again...cancer...but now I am thinking her broken and shattered heart simply did not want to go on. I understood for the first time how it feels to have your heart 'broken'....it is such a physical blow...mentally and emotionally...like being hit with a hammer dozens of times during day and night. Grief is exhausting. This kind of grief is heavy and dark. I would feel as if I could not breathe..and would have to come up for air...like a drowning person. The insomnia was overwhelming. Learning to walk this earth home without John David was a minute by minute..day by day journey. I am still on that journey. Learning to navigate with my grief for my other adult children and GRANDchildren is another part of this journey that is learned day by day. John David was not the only child I love...he is the only child that died.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanking everyone for the kind words....it was quite a challenge to spot light 3 graduates...at one time.

Shannon....it seems you are ahead of the curve on your health issues...'Physician...heal thyself'....I do know for sure that this kind of grief can become a big health issue....I want to let the new parents know that no one can care for them better than one's self. I had a gagging problem when I would try to eat...so I cut fruit up into bite size pieces and would eat it all day....that is what I figured out when my children were young...they would not eat a whole apple/orange but if I cut it up they would eat it like popcorn. Spending some time outside with Mother Nature will give you a tiny lift....walking helps take some of the anxiety and stress away. Rest when you can. Grief is exhausting.

[ericasmom]

Susan, your Grandies are so so good-looking. What joy you must have flowing through your veins. I know that John David is holding you through it all, loving you and so proud of his nieces and nephews. So proud of you all as you find ways to live your best ever lives.

Sandy, i am glad to see you today, I too feel the new constraints to this site are making it harder to come often. I don't like that we have to type in the most current page, that we have to see the year 2005 on the page that comes up, it is a sad year for many, for some, it marks the year they lost their loved one, for many, it marks a time when life was a whole, everyone was here, for me, it marks my second year of grief which was quite hard...and all those I met here that no longer visit. So I don't know why it is this way, but I sure wish it wasn't. What is new with you? How are the Grandgirls? What about your Daughter Rachael? Do you see her at all and her new little one? That little one is likely one or two by now? How is your husband doing? Are you able to continue getting him to a day setting while you are at work? Sorry, I bombarded you with questions but I miss knowing about your life.

Gretchen, where have you been? Are you okay? What about Becky? Leah?

Colleen, you are facing your numbers again, are you doing okay?

To answer Laurie's question from a few weeks ago I think, YEs, we are still having ERI-fest, it should be on a Sunday, the 17th I think, of July. Erica was struck on the 8th, she died on the 14th...we have it near her numbers. Hopefully, it will be a dry day with plenty of nice people and good food. Anyone in the vicinity are welcome...just a big backyard party.

My love to all- all the time...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am here Dee, just posted one of my poems recently. It is so hard to follow this forum anymore . I was also thinking about Gretchen and Kate, Wade, and the man from Tennessee that lost his 16 year old son to ethanol poisoning  this year. I can't remember his name. 

Today, I went,  by myself to the cemetery, which is about 7 miles away. I have been trying to drive, and really driving isn't as much of an issue as getting in and out if my van. My legs are absolutely weak. They tell me it's Diabetic Neuropathy. It sucks, but anyway, i made three new flower arrangements for the cemetery, and wanted to take them. I got it done, removing the old flowers, and hooking up my leaf blower through my car battery so I could blow out all the dirt from under where the old arrangement had been, sprayed for ants, raked the stones level, etc. ,almost falling once during, but managed to catch myself. I am very aware and very careful of my movements anymore. I have fallen too many times that resulted in broken bones, so I am trying not to repeat. I text my daughter when I leave the house, and when I get where I am going, then when I leave and again when I am home. She's working, but is better able to track me than my husband, as he is still at school. He has only three more days and he'll be off for the summer break. Thank God ! Here is a picture of my nearly  finished project. I have some more of the black river rocks to put down,  but the bags are too heavy for me to handle by myself. 

Leaving there today, something told me to turn on the radio, and there was a "rasta" song on that my son would always listen to and sing along with! I felt like he was letting me know he saw and approved of my efforts!

This is all we had at first, just a marker for Jared that was flat on the ground, which we modified in 2013, as I was worried about damage to his marker as they ran right over it when cutting grass. 

 

 

 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Susan, 

I also tried to wake every morning and ask 'How do I do this?'. I will admit there were many many days where my first thought was 'I don't want to do this anymore.' But I did... moment by moment. I did it at first for my boys and because I knew it was what Tris wanted me to do. It took quite some time but eventually I was able to find things that were part of the new me. I was reduced to ashes and all that was before was gone. You've talked of creating a mosaic from the broken pieces and that's the closest thing I have to describing life after this loss. There were some beautiful pieces... the love for my boys for one... that remained... but most of me died with my daughter. 

 

While I love my boys each with my whole heart... I also love my girl with my whole heart. Learning to live here without her is the hardest thing ever. I'm learning how to carry her and allow her Spirit to be infused in everything I do. As Dee wrote, every breath I take is for her too. 

 

In the beginning I also had to be very mindful of self care and thanks to all of you here I was given suggestions on how to do that. It didn't come naturally at first and was easily overlooked. The suggestions best for me were the small pieces of fruit throughout the day. I could hardly tolerate anything else. Also smoothies. I took Laurie's advice about creating a sacred space for myself to have that space to grieve, to reflect, to rest. I created Trista's garden and that allowed me a way to honor her each day as I worked and the physical work and contact with Mother Nature was truly healing. I walked and walked and walked. 

 

I did begin to find the the things that worked for me and would lay the foundation for this 'new normal' and for creating the new me because I could never be the person I was before completely. 

 

It was truly one breath at a time. And no one but another grieving parent can truly understand. 

 

I'm here in the midst of June again. Trista's month... Her Angel Day just passed and heading toward her 21st birthday on the 21st. It's a very reflective month for me. Each year so far has been a little different in how I carry this and how I get through this month. This year my heart and soul are quieter... Where in the past they were screaming. This year is quiet reflection and whispered conversations to the stars at night. Secret tears when I'm alone while I smile through the day with my little one. But now and slowly over time... the smiles have become more genuine as I am learning to make room for life right beside my grief. The pain is not less but what my heart and soul need has changed. 

 

I'm thinking of all today but a special prayer for those newer... I hope you find those things that will bring you some peace and comfort and know we are always here to hear you. Do whatever your soul needs ... minute by minute. 

 

Becky, Jared's site is so beautiful and I know the Mama Love that goes in to 

all you do. I'm so glad that Jasmine is able to be there to keep tabs in case you need her. Continued prayers for you. I'm so happy you got that sign from Jared. 

 

Love and peace for all and wishes for a beautiful weekend. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...thank you....as you know...a Grandmother glows when one compliments the GRANDchildren....I think when a parent loses a child...the blessings seem to come into the spotlight...like knowing the true difference on 'light and dark'.....we are more grateful for the blessings...the miracle of birth and the privilege of watching our other children grow and learn.

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....the resting place looks so very restful....also...it looks welcoming....invites one to sit and 'be'....the flowers are perfect for the colors of the stone work. You have a great gift for design. Now....PLEASE....be careful. We don't want you to have anymore falls or broken bones !!! You are finally...healing a tiny bit every day. I like the way you and Jasmine have figured out a way to keep track of you. I know that song was from your boy...I know a 'John David' song right away....at first I would wonder if it could be a sign from him. Now I know....in my 4th year....the songs come at such times...there can be no other explanation than they are from him. It is too much of a coincidence for the right time and right place. My daughter Randa and GRANDdaughter Tay Tay have been experiencing many signs lately.

Shannon....where there are common emotions of this kind of grief.....I don't know what it is like to lose an only daughter....or lose an only son...or to lose one's only child....as heavy as my grief is....my heart whimpers to hear a Mama confide her grief for losing that only daughter.....the parent losing the only son...although my heart is broken...a little piece still breaks off for that parent. I guess we get another layer of empathy when we experience this kind of grief that surpasses understanding. We know the dark days and the journey they will be on for the rest of their earthly lives. I know your Trista is with you...

When I was busy..busy...busy getting ready for our Graduation party....I thought of all the parents on this site..knowing each of you at one time or many had to do the same thing I had to do...create a celebration....celebrate a tradition...a milestone...a birthday....and face the empty chair. Each of you helped me put on my 'brave woman face' and get it done. I knew I was not alone. I wasn't the first...nor would I be the last.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Posting twice today. I'm writing a lot. I need to be here right now. I apologize if I'm rambling or my words make no sense. It's what's in my head. 

 

Susan, Thank you for your thoughts. It is something... My only daughter... Not loved more or less than my boys but our relationship was different... Not just because she is my only girl but because I was 19 when she was born... So so young... Two year older than my Zak who still says 'food tastes better when Mom makes it' and struggles to use the washing machine. We grew up together. I know there are those layers to each loss. First child, only child, only son, only daughter, but for each of us... who are faced with this grief... who find the strength to take another breath... another step... we are so strong and our babies are so proud. 

 

Each year has had its theme for me. There are no rules and the thoughts and feelings overlap. But there does seem to be a theme for each year... each mark of time. 

 

The first being so so dark... The year of 'Where are you?' of my wandering and wondering... constantly searching and so so raw. 

 

The second was my year of 'remembering'. I surrounded myself with every story of Trista's life... Every photo, every poem ever written, every picture ever drawn... I poured over every piece of her... trying desperately to breathe her in and integrate her Spirit into every cell in body. To make sure I never forget one moment. 

 

And then came the year of 'What now'... The year I was forced to make changes and choices I felt ill prepared to make but life has a way of pushing you onwards and so I had a year of rebuilding and creating the foundation for where my life will go now. 

 

And now in the silence and the peace I've discovered in the aftermath of a lot of chaos I find myself entering a time of 'What could have been'. My mind no longer goes directly to the past or to the 'day' and the scene and the images... It goes to the future I will never know. 

 

Someone recently said to me... and this person knew nothing of my loss so it wasn't meant to harm... just a random thought by an unknowing person... She said... A son will leave his mother to join the family of his wife but a daughter will be with her Mother forever. There was a stab to my heart in that moment. My boys will go ... someday... but I think our bond is one that they will always have me in their lives and in the lives of their children... someday... but her words seared my heart nonetheless. Because those are the thoughts of my heart right now. 

 

It would be her 21st on the 21st. A sort of marker year... a rite of passage... probably made only that way because one can legally drink a beer but also a step into adulthood. Those first three years for me... I know I was only testing the waters... dipping a toe in... Just practicing at being a grown up. At 21 I met my first husband who has now transitioned and is flying free with my girl. I fully moved into adulthood that year. 

 

And I wonder... where would she be? Who would she be? What college would she have chosen? And, as much as I have preached ... wait until after college... I know first hand how life goes... Might I even be grandma by now? Would she call me, as I did my grandma, to ask how to boil an egg or if peanut butter is kept in the fridge or the cupboard? 

 

When I do become a grandma I will be there with bells on but the 'someday mother of my grandchildren' will have her mama beside her... as it should be. And the planning of her wedding... All these things... this is where my mind is now. 

 

 I put her tank top on this morning. One I kept for me. It has words in French and even though I've worn it before I decide to actually look up the translation of the words today. The are... To me you are the most beautiful... I have been asking her for signs. I'm going to take that as one. 

 

For her 16th birthday I bought her the iPad she'd been wanting. I had it engraved... Trista Mae... You are beautiful. 

 

Trista, to me you ARE the most beautiful. <3

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Becky the mans name was  Wayne too He died Donna posted it a while back. Just so so sad ( I copied the link) 

A Tennessee man was killed while attending a balloon release to celebrate the birthday of his son who died earlier this year after drinking a concoction of racing fuel and Mountain Dew soda.

Wayne Stephenson, 46, was stabbed at least two times at a memorial on Saturday for his 16-year-old son, Logan Stephenson, who died January 21 after he drank a fatal concoction known as dewshine. 

The father was at a home on Lipscomb Road in Coopertown with several family members to celebrate what would have been his son's 17th birthday at the time of the incident. 

He was taken to Vanderbilt University Medical Center where he later died, Robertson County Sheriff's Office spokesman Ryan Martin told The Tennessean.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

So this happened today... She hung around for the longest time even landing on my head and shoulder. (Ignore the fact that I'm desperately in need of a pedicure)

And then around the same time I was hanging out on the porch with this one the kids were at the pool. When they got home I showed them these pictures and I guess at the pool there was a butterfly right by the edge of the pool and Zak was afraid it would get stepped on or get its wings wet so he picked it up and it let him move it to another spot but then it kept coming back and flying all around Zak. Landing on his shoulder and arm and letting him hold it. <3

[TearsInHeaven]

 

 

x

[ericasmom]

Holy Cow, I did not know either...what huge sadness for the family and friends...Wayne is home with his Boy.

Shannon, I love the thoughts about your frame of mind/heart/soul when approaching Trista's dates. It changes over time, slowly and noticeably. I am glad that it is a more reflective time and that the signs are all around you, and on you. Trista, you surround your Family in so many beautiful ways. 21 on the 21st, her Golden Birthday, and what would be if...is something we do, we have to do. I still wonder now and again, would Erica have children? Would she still wear her hair in dreads? I know that I cannot ever know, so I don't go there often, but sometimes I go just to imagine.

Becky, the site looks lovely, love the black rock, but please take it easy, I don't want you to fall down.

[ericasmom]

To All of the Families and Friends waiting to hear if their loved ones were in the way of the gunman in Orlando, my prayers.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee, I too am so disturbed by finding out that Wayne Stephenson has been murdered. My thoughts and prayers to his family. The fact that it happened during a memorial balloon release for his deceased son is just beyond words! I hope that killer gets punished to the fullest extent of the law!

I was also shocked and saddened by the horror of the shootings in Orlando today. My prayers to all of those families and friends. 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Beyond sad....that poor family....

Shannon....please write/post as much as you want....I don't have much time now...will post later....we are hosting Pibby's 13th birthday...we had to cancel the first date because of rain...and it is raining now....hopefully it will stop....if not...I will have 25 8th graders to entertain indoors...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

All, here is a link to Wayne's obituary page where you can sign if you wish. I added something from the group in the guestbook. It takes 24 hours to post (I did not specifically mention the name of us for privacy reasons). It is so tragic and senseless... here is the link to his obit and guestbook. There is an option to light a virtual candle on it as well.

http://www.legacy.com/guestbooks/tennessean/wayne-allen-stephenson-condolences/180220179?

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, thank you for the pictures of the sign you received from Trista, Sending gentle thoughts as you move closer to Trista's birthday. I agree with how you describe each year going forward....

 

Becky, thanks for sharing the pictures of Jared's memorial site. The mom-love  shines  through.

 

I agree with Susan and Dee  on your postings.

 

 

Thinking of those who are the lead up days to their beloved children's transition dates..

 

Sending peace to all....

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

“I imagine there are all sorts of travelers posting here on this website, approaching the path in all sorts of ways.

Some believe that they are walking a spiritual path but I have come to know that I am my own path, and how I unfold myself is how I walk that path.

Each person is the actual path which they walk.”

************************************************************************************

The quote above is from another web site I post on in regards to spiritual matters. However, when I read this thought posted by a fellow member, it resonated with me on how we also approach grieving and loss.

In the last few years, I have come to realize that each person’s journey is uniquely their own.  So differences in how we approach our time of sorrow, how we process this loss (or don’t process), how we move beyond (whether we want to or not) are so individualized. I thought his idea of a person unfolding themselves does fit so well, there is no pressure in this concept to adhere to a predefined script on how one should grieve, there is no right or wrong, just your way.

[Note, The person who wrote that served in Vietnam Era as a medic and has served in similar capacities since. ]

[Ricky's mom , Wendy]

I don't have much time but just wanted to share the shadow box my husband helped me make for my sweet angel.  Prayers to all.  

[TearsInHeaven]

x

 

[ericasmom]

Dianne, not corny at all. Visualization is sometimes the best way to calm one's own heart and if what you see helps you understand the pathway, then those are good tools to use. I too visualize, and the path is sort of the same, it breaks between forests and more barren places as well, sometimes giant holes on the path, threatening my own ability to stand and walk through the hardest of times...quicksand to represent those times that we are stuck in the muck and mire of it all. 11 months after Erica died, we went to New Mexico for a writing opportunity for me. There in a desert/mountain community filled with artists and inspiration, I was able to write and to gather some of my broken pieces...I saw a sculpture in a gallery there, and upon seeing it, I fell to my knees and sobbed. It now sits on my entranceway table, it is entitled: Long Way Home. And indeed, it is an everlasting journey. My sweet husband bought it for me when I was in my writing class and had it sent to our home. It is a true representation to the long uphill walk. I love that your husband took michael's shirts to have a quilt made.

Wendy, I think that the shadow box is lovely, and that you and your Husband put it together in a joint effort to showcase your love and devotion to your Son is a beautiful act. You are finding your way.

[ericasmom]

Laurie, thanks for sending us the link for the obituary for Wayne. I am so horrified that someone would take his life...the hatred and ease with which some react in anger is amazingly scary.

[Ricky's mom , Wendy]

I have not been on in awhile. It doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of everyone, I just had to take a step back.  I found myself on here day and night reading everyone's thoughts and stories and it tore me up inside.  I was going to sleep crying and waking up crying everyday.  I feel everyone's pain here and it breaks my heart that we are all a member of this.  I know we can all help each other here and I'm very grateful for all the support.  I really don't have anyone to talk to things about.  My husband works out of state and I'm alone a lot.  He is wonderful but a very quiet man.  I'm afraid to voice the things I feel in fear of worrying him when he is gone.  My dogs think I'm nuts cause I have full conversations with them instead.  I miss my Ricky sooooo much and the nightmares are still there.  I've decided to stop all the meds and try to deal with life naturally but it is hard at times, mostly at night when I've stopped doing things.  Making the shadow box this week made me happy but also sad.  It took a lot out of me putting it together.  I try to talk to my daughter but she doesn't want to hear anything about it.  My other son has put it all behind him and lives in FL, so I don't get to talk to the kids about how they feel either.  My heart aches for me and everyone here.  Maybe I do need counseling, I don't know.  I find it hard to poor my heart out to someone that has no clue what I'm feeling.  No books or teachings can teach you how a mother feels about losing a child.  I know I'm rambling here but just felt I needed to talk tonight.  When I was putting the shadow box together today I opened Ricky's wallet and seeing all of his things he carried on a daily basis hit me.  I left everything in his wallet including the money he had in it.  I tried talking to my brother tonight about some of the things I'm feeling and he kept changing the subject so I just gave up.  I don't know what to do.  I just want to crawl in a hole and die to be with my baby.  I'm not very good at writing, as you can tell, but I'm trying. I'm also looking into getting a blanket or bear made out of his clothes.    Thx to everyone for just listening to me ramble.  This is the song we played at Ricky's funeral. Peace and love to all.  

Wiz Khalifa - See You Again ft. Charlie Puth Official Video

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Lora,

I don't know if you'll be on today but I just wanted you to know I'm holding you and your sweet Girl in my heart. I hope you feel Cara all around you today...

Cara, wrap your Mom in your love and light and fly free with the Angels, Beautiful Girl... I'm saying your name today to honor your life and Spirit.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Laurie,

I like the quote you shared from your other group. Our paths are certainly uniquely our own and we are brought together through common threads. I’m so thankful that my path has crossed all of yours. The idea that we are our path… I do agree and the imagery of ‘unfolding’ does fit so well.

Susan,

Wow… 25 8^th graders! You are a brave, brave woman! You are definitely creating some wonderful memories for Pibby. I hope today is restful for you. I would definitely need a day of rest after such an adventure. I have always loved planning and carrying out the kid’s parties. Especially for Tris, because she loved it, we always had a theme. It was a lot of work but a lot of fun and so nice to see their smiles.

Dee,

It is the ‘what could have been’ that’s been on my mind a lot. I’m hoping that I can get to a place where I can not allow my mind to go there as much. I will I’m sure. It seems to happen a lot more at mile marker dates.

Dianne,

I don’t think it’s at all corny. I use visualization a lot. My mind works in symbols a lot and I’ve found there are things in life that everyday words just can’t even begin to convey… this journey after the loss of our precious children for one. My visual is very similar to yours and Dee’s and I visualize this ‘place’ as a sacred, healing spot along the path… one that exists outside of space and time… beautiful, peaceful… and always there when we need to come and rest.

Wendy,

I just love the shadow box for Ricky. I’m glad that you and your husband were able to do that together. I know those things are needed and good but also so hard to do. I know that men and women can grieve so differently and then there is the difference just from individual to individual and since he is quiet as you said, these might be his ways, to use his hands to express what’s in his heart. I completely understand the need to take a step back and I’m sure that’s true of all of us here. I have times I have to ‘cocoon’. I am in one of those places now too and I just ‘turn it all off’ for a while. I don’t even watch the news or get on facebook. Things hit me really hard and I can easily be reduced to tears over some sadness in the world. I did do counseling for a while because of my PTSD. Each person is different. Some find face to face groups, or grief counselors… This place has been my lifeline. The counseling was for my PTSD but even she said… I have the knowledge from my textbooks but I cannot begin to understand your grief. I’m glad she understood that because I probably couldn’t have continued to see her if she had the idea that she could, having never lost a child.

Yesterday was pretty emotional… Hearing about Wayne… I wasn’t on a lot at that time but I do remember his story of the loss of his son, Logan… and my heart just aches for that family… and the Orlando shootings… Just a sad day…

I’m thinking of everyone here today and sending wishes and hope for peace and that we are all surrounded by the love of our Angels.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I just wanted to share a story that I don't think I've shared here before. I saw a medium shortly after losing Tris. I know everyone has their own thoughts on this and that’s ok. For me though, it was a good experience and I truly believe she connected. I saw her again after that but that first experience was so needed at the time.

She told me then that Tris was carried to Heaven (Summerland as Tris called it) by her Grandfather and her Dad… that she was then met by two young women… who were there to sort of ‘show her the ropes’… one dark haired, one blond… One had been there longer and one had passed more recently… both had passed in car accidents. While I cannot know for sure I have always wondered/hoped that it was Lora’s Cara and Dee’s Erica. The two of you were among the first to reach out to me when I found myself here and it would be so nice to think of our Girls together because I have always had the feeling that I was guided here. The idea that all of our Angel's have met and maybe had a hand in bringing us together is comforting to me.

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I love that story, and I too hope it was Erica and Cara, two angels of similar ages to your Sweet Trista. I am smiling.

 

Lora, may you feel the warmth of Cara near you, all around you. She is a powerhouse of goodness that Girl, smiling on all who need her smile most. Be well on this and each day.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora, thinking of you today and of your sweet Cara. I always remember the beef jerky and love of Tacos she had, something that many of our angel children shared a fondness for. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wendy, what a beautiful treasure your husband worked on for your son, Ricky. Some are not talkers but rather are deep feelers, I tend to fall into the latter camp too.

Susan, you are a super grandma! What wonderful memories are being made!

Shannon, thank you for sharing your story. I have wondered about those meetings too. I glad it brought you some peace.

Dianne what a thoughtful gift the memory quilt was from your husband. 

I am at my mom's tonight, and will be most of the week. Hopefully to catch up on chores here that need to be done.

[Steve s mom]

On January 5, 2005 at 6:31 PM, jscmom said:

To All,

I am so glad the "Holidys" are over. The masks can come off. My first of many firsts I dreaded all of them and they are not over Johnny dates began 9/26 10/10 and finally 10/21 of this year. I have received so many calls from bill collectors asking for John.... faxing his death cert to all and repeating to the same callers. They have no mercy.

I have so many unanswerd questions so I have begun to search his medical records or at least part of them arrived which has now given me more questions. Guess not having them answered doesn't matter anymore John is gone to a better place and I am (we) are here left to feel all these feelings we never knew we had.

I have decided that I can not do and feel what everyone says I should do. I try to honor John's life a little everyday and posting on here is one of them.

It seems to have gotten harder to deal with. Does anyone get nighmares sine your loss. Peace is not found.

Nerfetiti: Do wnat you feel you need to. If you choose not to go it does not make you a bad mom...just a hurting mom.

In my case my son was in another state when the accident happend. We spent 14 days there before letting having to let him go.

Once i came home and all the arrangements were done, I began my search for answers. I will be in court for the trial of John's girlfriend, so i needed to know the whole story before writing the letter to the judge and standing by her at trial. Our lives has forever changed. Our love will never stop and I am so new into this I don't beleive the pain will ever go away. I feel as if is a cancer killing me everyday until I do die. It my be a short cancer or a long one only God knows.

Runningramma: Yes we have to live for our other children and slowly I am trying to do just that. I have 1 daughter left or family is not complete without John. We did the Christmas pictures by the tree and as i look at them some one is missing...... my John. I am sooooo glad the holidays are over.

TO All AGAIN

Peace and prayers to all.

Hi All,

i haven't been here for a while I finally found out how to post photos so I wanted to share with you the photos from our 35 th anniversary and Steves memorial service 

he has been gone 55 months now.I for some reason thought after that ,things wouldbe better there would be some closure and peace in knowing everyone who wanted to could come and celebrate Steves life with us since we had a private       Funeral back then.It was a very beautiful service and day.but it hasn't helped me to feel much better about Steves passing .

Wendy i love the shadow box ,momentos  such as these become so precious to us when we lose our beloved  children .

i wish you all peace tonight and wonderful dreams of your precious child.

[Steve s mom]

Hi guys,

i tried to post ,I finally figured out how to attach photos but it seems my post when in the 2005 pages ?

 

[ericasmom]

MaryAnne, your post and your lovely photos have arrived here. Your Son is so handsome, and the photo of you and your Husband renewing your vows is gorgeous. I am glad that you could celebrate  your marriage as well as acknowledge the dates for your Son. I am sure that he is so proud of you Both.

[ericasmom]

When we wake up tomorrow, it will mark the date that Davey left this Earth; Sherry's Son. June 14th, 2003. He left 13 years ago tomorrow, one month before my Girl left that same year. So prayers for Davey's Family as they move through the day finding ways to shed Davey's light and love.

God Bless you Sherry as this day/date comes once again. I am holding your hands in mine and praying for peace.