New to loss

[alwaysalone]

Horrible migraine today - haven't had one this bad in years. Couldn't sit up without throwing up - had to have the boys find their own way to school - I have never done that. It took until 3 pm for me to sit up and eat anything. Goofed up another thing at work because of it, missed session with my therapist, thinking about skipping my group. I miss him holding my head and stroking my hair to make me feel better.

Kate

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Sandy,

I'm sorry that you have to go through all of that.  I too have been dealing with a credit card debt (a card that was in my husbands name only).  They just are very cold.  It is very hard to keep your cool at those times.  Keep your chin up and don't let them get you down. Just do the best you can. 

As for the whole DIVORCE thing.  I understand your feelings completely.  I already stated my point on that subject last week.  Think I'll becareful with not going there again.

God Bless and hope your day gets brighter.

Denise

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Kate,

Sure hope that you get to feeling better!!!!!!!!!!!!

Denise

[gone4evr]

Denise,

     I don't blame you.  I was just thinking at least if he were alive I could yell at him right now for doing something so stupid!!!  I have a little laugh for you.  I went to the bank today to get my husband's name off of a loan on a car so I can get the title transferred to my name only.  The bank informed me that my husband had to sign off on the loan-- like that is going to happen.  I pointed to the death certificate and the woman said "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see that, I still need his signature"  What does Jeff Foxworthy always say?  "Here's your sign."  I talked to the bank manager and she told me I could just get the title transferred to my name with a death certificate.  So, I went to the secretary of state office and they told me I can't remove his name without the banks approval stating that my husband is no longer on the loan.  My name is the primary name on the loan, my husband was the second name, in case something happened to me.  I asked to have the loan re-written and they informed me that until my husband signed off they couldn't help me.  How stupid.  I actually started laughing at her.  She took it offensively, I explained to her again.  "Honey, my husband is dead, which means he isn't alive anymore, which means he can't sign his name."  I swear, this girl was illiterate.  She then asked me for his address and phone number where he could be reached.  I gave her the cemetary name and the name of the street.  I kid you not, she then said to me "That's a cemetary"  Duh!!!  I then smiled and said "Exactly, that's where dead people live!  So, if you want a signature that's where to find him, but I don't think you are going to get much cooperation from him!!!  I thought this was such a simple request, either write out a new loan with my name only on it or simply white out his name.  They have the death certificate!  They know he is dead.  This being a widow isn't easy.  In fact it can be quite frustrating!

 

Kate--

I hope you are feeling better!  I get migranes from time to time too.  Take care of yourself.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

Wow what a story.  Thanks for the laugh.  Saddly the loan on my car will probably end up the same way.  It's the same set-up.  I haven't even tried to switch the utilities over to my name yet.  That should be interesting.  People just amaze me.  It does help to try and keep a sense of humor if you can.

Denise

[rodless]

That's ridiculous, Sandy. I didn't have any problems changing anything. A few phone calls and mailing death certificates a couple of places was sufficient. I would make a call to her supervisor and recommend sensitivity training. There are no excuses for that experience. Cripes, even having to show a death certificate is hard enough.

Another book to try is Widow to Widow by Ginsberg. (In it a chapter talks about how divorce has nothing in common with being widowed that those of you who feel that way can identify with.) It's really good and lots of times I wanted to yell "Yes! That's the way I feel."

I left a quote on another thread that says "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain." Wish we didn't have to do that!

[bettespaghetti]

Oh my goodness.  I am so sorry all of you are having to go through all of this.  I lost my bf, whom I didn't live with and we didn't have any bills or anything together, so I guess I should start counting my blessings.  I feel for each of you in each of your difficult situations.

Hugs to all!

 

Bette

[gone4evr]

Bette,

    Yes, our situations are all different, but we all have something in common- we lost someone that we loved whether or not we were married doesn't matter.  A loss is a loss.   Just because you weren't married and are not stuck dealing with all the bills doesn't make your situation any less than any of ours.  You still lost the love of your life. 

    We just have an additional headache along the road .  I actually don't mind the challenges of getting bills taken care of, most of the time all I had to do was send a death certificate.  Today I just got lucky and ran into someone totally clueless.  To be honest, as frustrating as it was, it was kind of funny too.  I'll figure out a way around it, I always do.  It may take me a little extra leg work but oh well, I need the exercise. 

         Bette, don't devalue what you are going through.  You are going through the same thing all of us are going through.  The difference between you and I is about 3 1/2 months worth of grieving.  You are so new to this and the pain is so intense for you.  To be honest, as hard as it is right now for me, it is so much better than it was 4 months ago.  I would not want to go back to where you are in the grieving process.  The pain you are feeling is so intense, frustrating, confusing, and horrendous all wrapped up into one really confusing package.  The pain that you are experiencing is so excrutiating that you probably are finding it hard to function, to think, to make decisions.  But with time it will get better, I promise. 

        These little periods of pain that I or any of the rest of us experience are just that, little periods of intense grief.  For us, that grief is shorter lived, it may last a couple days, a couple hours, a couple minutes or maybe even a week but it gets better for us too.  Your pain will be constant for quite a while and then it will gradually begin to ease and you will have good days, maybe even weeks.  Let yourself feel what you are suppose to feel and that is sadness and grief.  Keep coming here.  Keep talking to us.

     We all come here to vent, to let out our frustrations.  Sometimes it's just to share stupidity that we encounter, like my situation today.  You'll get a lot of great advice here from people who have been where you are now.

Sandy

[bettespaghetti]

Sandy,

Thanks for that.  But really it made me stop and think about how bad I view things and how much worse they really could be. 

Today was a better day for me.  I'm beginning to be able to talk about him without sobbing, just getting teary.  I didn't go off on the kids or break down at work.  I know it will probably happen and probably soon, but it was a nice change.  He's not ever far from my thoughts, but I am trying to manage at least a day (at work) without being a basket case.

Hopefully things all iron out in the end for each of you.  I am hoping the pain eases more and more with time and that I'll be a person, not being one day in the not distant future.  Thanks for the support and encouragement.  Sometimes I don't know what I feel or why and I am more absentminded than before (thank God for yahoo calendar!)

Bette

[alwaysalone]

I read your post and almost threw up all over again.  My car is in Doug's name and I am not in his will so Lord only knows what his family and ex-wife will do with that. I have been making the payments all along, but it was in his name because my credit was so bad. I know his ex already plans on taking the dog when the court names her executor - she'll probably make sure I have nothing even though she was friendly to me before he died. That will push me over the edge for sure. Tell all your friends that don't see any urgency in making it legal that there are a whole lot of good reasons to if they are building any kind of life together!

Kate

[gone4evr]

Kate,

     First off, if you have possession of the dog how can she prove that it was his.  I honestly don't think she can get the dog if it lives in your house.  How would the court know it's not your dog?  As for the car, you could potentially have a problem, unless your name is also on the car.  If you can prove that you have been paying for the car (cancelled checks directly made towards the loan) you could go after her for what you spent on the car I think.   If you don't have copies of the checks, you can get copies at the bank.  If your name is on the car and he co-signed the loan then you just assume the loan and she can't touch that either.  You may want to consult an attorney just to see what they think.  Also try not to ruffle the ex wife's feathers, since she treated you nice, you treat her nice.  If she gets nasty you can always appeal to her on the grounds of friendship.  I hope that helps a little.

Sandy

[gone4evr]

This is going to sound strange and I'm probably just going to ramble.  But, as much as I know my husband is not coming home and that he is dead, it still doesn't feel real.  When I see his car in the driveway there is that instant when I get that thrill thinking "he's home early" and then the realization hits.  I guess it just doesn't seem logical.  How can someone so healthy be dead?  I know this sounds strange.  At times I still think this is just some horrible joke or dream and he's going to walk through the door at any moment.  Other times I swear I feel his presence in a room, but no one is there.  At night, I wake up suddenly because I could swear I hear him call my name or I'll hear him snoring.  Then there is the sudden unexplained chills that I get from time to time.  I really miss him.  But I know he is gone.  I know he isn't coming back.  So what is going on?  Sometimes even the cat acts bizarre, she'll suddenly hiss but there is nothing to be hissing at or she'll start meowing at his office door and scratching desperately to get in.  When I let her in the room she'll go to his chair and curl up in it for a few minutes, then she'll leave contented.  I keep telling myself I'm not getting enough sleep, that's the only logical explanation.  Is this normal?

Sandy

[alwaysalone]

It doesn't sound strange - I pray for signs of Doug like that.  Today is his birthday. I'm going to the lake where we put his ashes to say hello. I feel so alone in a house full of kids home for the summer and activity at every turn, yet I can't engage. What's wrong with me?

Kate

[gone4evr]

Kate,

     You are going to feel that way for a long time.  I have to force myself to engage, but I still feel empty inside.  I went to two nurseries today with my mother to pick out flowers for my husband's grave and I couldn't make a decision.  The flowers were so beautiful but I couldn't decision.  I am never like that.  I have always been one who knows what I want.  My mom finally had to set out a couple she thought would be nice and I still couldn't do it.  I just finally asked her to decide. 

     I force myself to get involved with my child and any children he has over because I don't want him to remember this time in his life with so much sadness.  The more you get involved the easier it becomes.  Yesterday my son and niece were trying so hard to get me to chase them and catch them.  I was studying and just couldn't focus with them distracting me.  I made the decision to join them and to be honest, it felt good.  Try it you might be surprised. 

     Think in terms of it this way... would your loved one want you to be moping around?  Would he want you to be missing out on opportunities and memories with your children?  I don't know about your husband, but I know mine and he would be really upset with me if I didn't go on with my life and enjoy every moment with my child.  He would be telling me "look at what happened to me, life is too short, you need to be enjoying life to the fullest."  My husband lived life to the fullest when he was alive, I owe him that and I owe my child that.  So do you my friend.  There is nothing wrong with grieving for your husband, but don't let your children grieve for their mom while she is still alive.  They need you too.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

Sandy,

I don't think that you're crazy at all.  Both my son and daughter have had similar things happen I have had numerous experience's too.  Here are a couple of entries from my Journal. 

Wednesday night I had a dream that seemed/felt so real.  You craweled into bed and curled up next to me and just held me and comforted me.  I felt so peaceful until I woke up to find an empty bed again.  I miss you so much.  I want this stupid nightmare to end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of I had a dream on Sunday that was so real. In my dream I kept telling myself that I was dreaming and to wake up but I couldn't.  I was at church and our assistant pastor came by and put his hand on my shoulder and asked how the kids and I were doing, I answered him and then he walked on.  As soon as he left I felt someone else put both of their hands on my shoulders and didn't say a word, I was trying to figure out who was, then I recognized the touch it was Lance. I turned to look at him and said this is a dream and I need to wake up, he said no it's not I am here, then I asked him where he had been and why he left.  He said that he had to go that he had been sick and he couldn't stay. I told him how much I loved him and missed him then he hugged me and kissed me and said that he couldn't stay he had to go. Then I woke up. The dream felt so real. 

I would really like to think that these are visits sent from God.  Maybe I am crazy.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and safe 3 day weekend. 

Denise

[zipper1373]

Missinglance...I don't believe your crazy. I believe that Lance is coming to you in your dreams and reaffirming his love for you. You are very lucky. I know many people who want to have dreams like yours but don't. I'd venture to guess you are pretty intuitive, sensitive, clairsentient, in waking hours????  Honey, you are not crazy. And Lance isn't doing this to make you doubt your sanity. He is coming out of pure love. 

Wishing you many more wonderful, loving dreams.

Lisa

[armaiti]

Sandy, you are definately not crazy!  I have had many, many visits from Ishaq, both in dreamspace and in this physical world. My own belief is that when we leave our bodies, we just change form, we aren't "gone".   I've been doing dream recall work for years, long before I met Ishaq, so I think it is easy for him to contact me that way.  Other times, at night when I go to bed, I lay very still and quiet and I can feel his hand brush my hair.  I feel his presence.  I know he is with me and watching over me.  I find it is easier to connect with him if I try to still my mind and breathing somewhat, enter a more meditative place, though I also have felt him when I've been having meltdowns...like a shower of love washing over me.  I first felt that the second night after he died, and while it isn't as strong as it was that first night, I do feel it still from time to time, even after almost two years. 

You are not crazy.  You are blessed by continued connection with your beloved.  At least, that is my opinion! 

Blessings,

Anna

[alwaysalone]

Sandy,

Thanks for good words of wisdom. Something happened today that somehow makes this a little easier.  I'm still empty and hurting but somehow not as much.  Doug would kick my butt and tell me to do what I need to do for the kids.  He'd remind me that I'm all they've got again and that I know how to do what needs to be done.  If the attachment comes through, the picture is real - his brother took some of his ashes back to the Pacific today on his birthday and the poem was written by one of his sons.

Kate

[gone4evr]

Kate,

     That is so beautiful!  Hang in there, we'll all get through this.  Take care of yourself and those children.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

Kate,

That was so beautiful!  Thank you for sharing.  God bless you and your family.

Denise

[susanbruce]

Missinglance,

I have those types of dreams too. I've had 2. I wake up and say thank you to Bruce and then thank  you to God.  They are lifesavers for me.

Susan

 

[susanbruce]

Missing Lance, you are so right about those dreams feeling different than the normal ones.  They are so different it reassures me that it's REAL.

[sheela]

i have dreams of my mother just like these too,

i know it was her, she came and hugged me and gave me a kiss and told me that she loved me & i asked her where i should move to bc i have been wanting to move from here since me and her first moved here, we moved here in 1995 and never liked it at all, it just isnt the right environment for us. and she said well where ever it is i hope that its not as bright as it is here where i am at, bc where i am at it is so bright that it hurts my eyes.. she meant that she was in heaven.. and that she was ok..

 

that made me feel so good, see, she passed last year on June 6th. that's coming up fast and i have been feeling so down and sad & having severe migraines. i feel so much better now but still miss her so very much. today when i got done doing a errand that i had to do even though i had a bad migraine, i had to go a few blocks where i live its a down town area and meet with my free legal aid attorney to fix some property issues, anyways after that i had to run to the grocery store on the bus real quick and i had to sit and cry a little on the bus i was listening to my head phones had them turned down real bc of my head ache i was listening to some real soft love songs by fleet wood mac, and i just thought of her and had to cry for a few minutes. plus after that dream where she came to me, i had another dream where i felt so lonely for her and i was crying in this dream too.. i woke up feeling so relieved to have seen her but then also feeling  so sad and down bc of feeling such a deep emptiness. for some reason when you are asleep  you are more connected to your inner feelings

and that's when they really come out is in your dreams, for example if you are hurting and sad when you are awake just wait till you fall asleep, that's when they really  come out strong & raw..

 

 

[sweetbabegirl]

I am missing my husband so much!! I read how everyone gets signs from their loved ones. I have yet to get one.....WHY?????????

My Husband and I had a great 21 year marriage, and I am hurting so bad on the inside. All I want is to know that he is ok, that he loves me, and will be saving my place in heaven....:-(

People say I am looking to hard, they say to give it some time, but I truly feel until I get this sign, my grieving isn't going to get any better.

I must thank all of you for writing on this site, believe it or not, reading others stories is helping me.

Take care

Diana

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Diana, I'm sorry for your loss. Try to keep yourself from the anxiety of wanting a sign. Just take care of yourself. When my daughter Jenni died, I felt nothing until I went to the FBI to receive her personal effects. She was raped and killed. After I arrived home that night, I felt like someone was holding my shoulders. This happens from time to time. Don't look for it to happen. Your husband still loves you with all his heart and even more. He watches over you every day. Rest your heart in this. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Allow time each day to think about him and how much you love him. This is important. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[sweetbabegirl]

Thank you Mark for your kind words.  Your are not the only one that tells me I will get my sign, but seems everyone around me has already been getting little things. For Instance.... You might find this hard to believe, but my 3 year old grand daughter on 2 seperate occassions has come to me and said she has talked to Papa.

the first one she said , Papa loves me, and that he is still alive, I asked her then where is he, she pointed to the sky and said he was up in the Keavens..(her way of saying heaven.....

the second one was yesterday, driving home as usual, and as soon as we turned on to our gravel road she said, meemee Papa is coming home tonight after dinner....my son and I both looked at each other, I responded, Ohhhh really and she said yes after dinner but meemee, he can't stay!!

I am not sure how to handle this but I am a believer that our loved one do speak to us, But I am sad that he has not yet showed me any signs....unless this is his way of showing me.

Today is Friday, the sun is shining finally and I plan on playing out in my yard as I have always done on the weekends. Him and I always enjoyed our little piece of heaven.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

Diana

[DawnFisher]

Maybe your sign is coming through what your grandchild is seeing and relaying to you?  My son was the same age when we went to visit my husband's dying grandmother. When we said our final goodbyes and left, my son had a constant desire to return - he wanted to be there when she died. I thought this was odd - I figured at that age - he'd be afraid, seeing her so sick.  He was very dutchy at that age and hard to understand - but this time his words were expressed very clearly,

"Mommy, couldn't you see the angels all around her?  They were so pretty! I want to see how they lift her up and take her to heaven." 

He very vividly explained what he saw and was very upset that we did not see the same thing.  I assured him we believed him. 

Oh, the faith of a child is strong - they see with their hearts and do not doubt what they see.  We older folk have to rationalize and analyze and have solid proof. Have you ever heard the expression that when babies smile during their sleep - it is because they can still hear the angels singing.  There is something so innocent and pure there that it is hard to put in words.  So maybe your sign is coming through your granddaughter. 

Take care,

Dawn

 

[cmissingj]

3 months yesterday. Today I hurt all over. The weight of it is just dragging on me. I miss him so much.

C

[alwaysalone]

I know what you mean - I just got Doug's autopsy results last week. Found out he had cancer we had no idea he had, among other things. It was like losing him all over again. It will be 2 months for me on the 9th (also found out they were doing his autopsy on my birthday which is April 12 - that will certainly change that day forever). I wish he would visit....

Kate

[bettespaghetti]

Tonight at 12:15 am it will be a month ..

[sweetbabegirl]

 I am sorry any of us are here, yet thankful we all have a place to go and grieve with others that are feeling the same pain and emptiness I am feeling.

It's June 2nd, and he left me on May 12th, but yet it feels like just yesterday. This past weekend was the roughest so far. it felt like the shock has wore off, and the reality has set in. It's like he should be coming home NOW!!!

I've cried more in the last 2 days then I have since he left. I find myself with this BIG emtpy feeling and don't know how to fill it. Ray and I always enjoyed our yard and our weekends were spent on yardwork. This week end I did it alone, and it wasn't the same. I have this feeling that NOTHING will be the same anymore. My normal life has flipped a 360 and has stopped dead in it's tracks, not knowing which direction I need to go.

Some may think I am nuts, but I think I am normal! I think this is the way anyone would feel after losing their life partner. But what I am afraid of, is that my normal isn't strong enough to get me through this. I've been told for years I am a strong person, always the one people lean on for support, well I think when I lost Ray, (my ROCK) I lost strength! Sad but true, when he left a big part of me went with him.

Thank you all for allowing me to vent....my prayers are with each of you, and maybe together we can get through a grief.

Big hugs to those that will accept them... Diana

[bettespaghetti]

Diana,

Most of us, or at least I, feel pretty much the same.  Although I lost my boyfriend, and not my husband, there's a big gaping hole that was filled with him just a month ago.  I too have always been told how strong I am, yet this past month I sure haven't felt it.

I gladly accept the hug and offer one in return.  Just try to hang in there. 

Best wishes,

Bette

[gone4evr]

It has been almost 5 months since my husband passed.  I still feel like there is a big gaping hole in our lives and in my heart.  I'm slowly and I do mean slowly moving forward, but I feel this intense guilt at times.  Guilt over moving on, guilt when I go into a favorite restaurant, and heavy guilt over the remodeling that I am doing.  These were his projects, his favorite restaurants and now he couldn't be there to enjoy them.  I feel guilty when I take my child to a movie or when I spend money.  Guilt that I wasn't able to prevent this.  Guilt that maybe I missed a symptom that could have saved his life.  My tears are less frequent but when they do come they come at the most unusual moments.  Today it was a radio commercial for a favorite restaurant of ours-- a place I haven't been to since he died.  The other day it occured when I passed by the park where we use to go all the time and have picnics.  Last week, and this is the really strange one, was over a litter of puppies.  I was called by the breeder we had talked to about a litter of puppies that she had.  I knew my husband wanted one of her puppies and I was planning on getting him one for father's day.  Instead, my son will be getting a collie puppy.

Don't get me wrong.  I am getting better, it is getting easier, but I still miss him so.  I don't dream about him a lot, but when I do dream about him I feel peace for a few days.  Know that it does get easier!  You won't forget your spouses or children and they will always love you and want the best for you and they want you to go on and be happy.

Sandy

 

[alwaysalone]

Diana,

It sounds so familiar - being referred to as 'the strong one'.  Everyone always expecting me to hold it together for my kids (4 of them - their father left 10 years ago). I am a healthcare professional - clinical pharmacist by preference, working in retail at the moment, so I have to be 'on my game' at work all the time.  Doug was my sanctuary from all that. He was where I went to 'refill' when I was 'running on empty'.  He was the one I called to destress from the kids, work or whatever. And now everyone expects me to continue to be the strong one when I have lost my only support! How do we do that? When it hurts to breath without him? I never hoped to find a love like him in my life, but I did and now he's gone. Am I supposed to think that will happen again when I didn't think it would happen in the first place? I watched him die almost exactly 2 months ago and I can still see it like it was yesterday.  I wish, you know, that's part of the problem, I don't know what to wish for...  I am less sad as the days go by, but I don't miss him any less...

and I am really tired of being strong.

Kate

[gone4evr]

Why are family members sometimes so cruel?  I went to a birthday party for my aunt (she's 86 years old).  I really thought I could handle it.  I was in a good mood and I figured today was my aunts day, the attention would be on her.  Yeah right!  The first aunt came up to me gave me a hug and asked how things were with me, how was work, how was school?  My uncle, who is a widower, gave me a hug and said hi.  Another aunt put her hand on my shoulder, with a "How are you doing dear"  I immediately told her I was doing ok busy with work and school and with my child, she smiled and went on greeting others.  I figured I was going to survive.  Everyone congregated to sing happy birthday and then right after, my cousin who is married to a minister walks up to me and asks me how I am and when I said doing well, work keeps me busy as does college and of course chasing a child too.  She then said right in front of everyone, no I mean how are YOU doing, is your heart starting to heal?  Oh I kept it together enough to try to change the subject hoping she would get the hint that I didn't want to talk about it.  She then proceeds with "God only gives us what we can handle"  Memorial day must have been so hard for you.  I tried to hold it together.  Then she hit me with, it must be so lonely at night and I'm sure going to the cemetary must really hurt.  Now, I had to leave.  I just couldn't hold it together, the tears just started rushing as I noticed that I was the only single person there, that everyone had their husband.  Unfortunately she followed me out at the same time my father came to me to console me.  Unfortunately, she got to me first.  I am so sorry I didn't mean to make you cry.  God only gives us what we can handle, you must be such a strong person.  You are taking care of yourself...  she just would not stop.  My dad then finally interrupted her and politely asked her for some time with me.  (I have an awesome dad).  He offered to take me home, but with the gas prices as high as they are I didn't have the heart to let him take me home I just told him I would stay away from my mom's family for a while.  He said he understood.  He then said he would go get me a plate of food.  So I went for a walk by myself still crying.  I just didn't want to be where my mom's sisters could find me.  It would only intensify and of course I didn't want to go back in because knowing my mom's family it would get much worse.  I went to my old childhood thinking spot and had a seat, knowing my dad was the only one who knew where that was.  He brought the plate and sat and we talked, the first time in a long time.  He then said he needed to go to Home Depot, so I tagged along.  (This was his way of getting away from my mom's family and to get me away from them as well).  We eventually came back to the house to pick my mom and son up from the party.  My dad passed my aunt (the witch with a capital and he told her to leave me alone.  She turned on him and said "She needs to get over this and I'm going to tell her so"  He turned to stop her and she pushed past him.  (Mind you, I hate this woman-- I have never hated anyone but her).  She approached me and started yelling at me, in front of the whole family.  So, I not so tactfully told her "How would you feel if your daughter and granddaughter were killed suddenly in a car accident and some insensitive person 4 1/2 months after they died started treating you the way you are treating me"-- (knowing the sun rises and sets on her daughter and that she could care less about her husband).  The next time you come at me, I want you to think about THAT kind of a loss and learn a little compassion.  She retalliated with a "my daughter wouldn't die"  I then told her, "That's what I thought too, it can happen to anyone.  So appreciate what you have and quit pouring salt into my fresh wounds."  I then walked away.  I will never go around my mother's family, never again!!!!  That was the last time they will ever hurt me ever again.  I have put up with their little digs at me all my life.  No more.

Sandy

 

[pamhadfred]

Hi Gone,   I too am sick of hearing how strong I am.  I'm tired of being strong, I just want to give up but there's something that won't let me.  I'm believing that it's my husband, Jim that won't let me.  On the 13th of June he'll be gone 10 months and I am still pretty much the same as I was when he died.  I have no direction.  I keep living by autopilot.  Go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, then do it all over again.  Thanks for listening,  Pam

[alwaysalone]

Sandy,

You're right to feel the way you do about your aunt. It's pathetic how so many people can be so self-centered and still pretend or think they are caring human beings! No one can even begin to know what this is like unless they have lived it- we have all said that at least a hundred times, so anyone who thinks they know what we should be feeling or where we are in our grief can go to hell!  People still ask how I'm doing, and I give them the honest answer - it's minute by minute.  You can be going along just fine and then something will trigger a memory or make us think of our loved ones and we're a mess again. I have no use for 'friends' or family who think they know what's best for me - I will probably never speak to someone that used to be my best friend in the world because of how cruel she was. Doug's favorite rules of life: #1-People are assholes, #2-People always look out for themselves, #3-When in doubt, refer to rule #1! Take care of yourself the best you can, and if that means never being near that witch again, do it! Anyone that loves you for real will understand.

Kate

[gone4evr]

I just wanted a nice day for my aunt.  I should have never went to her party.  Had no one said anything, I would have been fine, a little uncomfortable which is more related to crowds, but i would have been fine.  It's just so frustrating.  Most people don't mention it, they wait until I bring it up.   Most of the time the conversations are about work, the remodeling projects I am doing, my son or school.  I just can't believe how tactless they were.  What really frustrated me was my mother.  She took their side "They are right, you need to move on, youre just being too sensitive"  My dad really got angry with her when she said that.  I just know, that will be the last family party I go to for a very long time.  At least until I am emotionally strong.

Sandy

[alwaysalone]

I guess the best way to respond to 'you have to move on' is "Move on to what?" The person I built my life with is gone, the person I was making plans for the future with is gone. I am in the here and now which is the best that I can do. Tell them, I am here for my son, beyond that I can't even begin to contemplate, so back off. I will do this on my schedule, in my own time and that is the healthy and normal thing to do. Not to adapt to someone else's preconceived notion of what is right for me. Anyone we need to recognize on a special occasion, we can do in our own way, with a phone call or a personal visit if we can. I too, am tired of trying to do the right thing, just to have something thrown back in my face. Let them do the right thing for a change.

Kate

[rodless]

Sandy, I guess I would try to avoid the family bit for awhile. At some point they will no doubt be where you are now but until then they will remain clueless. Sometime I am so tempted to remind married people who say stupid suff that it's only a matter of time until it's you as well as me. I have to bite my tongue hard. What an awful situation. Mary Jo

[cmissingj]

Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking how much I miss my husband's touch and how I long for that level of intimacy. Not sexual...my husband was very ill toward the end and our intimacy was touching, hugging, kissing, holding hands. I miss so much the loving touch of another person. I close my eyes and try to remember the feel of his arms around me--that hug he used to give me that was so tight I felt like I was wriggling out of a wet suit when I had to extricate myself...the feeling of his warm hand on my cheek...the comfort of having my head on his chest while cuddling in his hospital bed...the way we held hands with my pinky finger hanging out on the side. I long for it, but feel if anyone tried to touch me now I'd shatter into a million pieces...

[sweetbabegirl]

I know the feeling. It will be 1 month in a few days since my husband left me. Each day seems to be harder. I do my best to stay busy thinking it will help, but when it's time to relax or go to bed, my world changes.

The days are lonely, but the nights are worse. I too miss that touch. I miss his smile and his blue eyes looking at me saying, *I'm sorry you had to go through this*. I would do anything to bring him back. Sounds selfish, but maybe I am selfish!

I am thankful he isn't in anymore pain, but when he left me, my heart went with him. I don't know how anyone handles this kind of loss. I don't see it getting better, maybe alittle easier, but never better.

I sleep with his picture laying on his pillow. I talk to him and write to him daily, thinking he will come to me, sit with me, and make all my pain and fears go away. So far, I havent felt him with me, and I think that is another reason why I am having such a hard time. People are always saying they feel the presence of their loved ones, or they get signs.....so far I don't think I have gotten anything. Makes me think he is either upset, mad, or maybe the worst....that he doesn't love me anymore.

It just isn't fair that I have to hurt so bad!

Sorry to vent......

Hope everyone has a pleasent week. *prayers and hugs*

Diana

[cmissingj]

I haven't felt my husband either. It's funny you said that. I keep thinking that I should have by now (it's been 3 months for me). Sometimes a song will come on at a fitting time and I think that's his doing, but I haven't felt his prescence like others have.

I slept w/ his shirt on his side of the bed for a month or so. It creeped my daugther out, so I stopped.

I keep telling myself that he is always with me, but there is such a big, gaping hole where we was, it is hard to feel that right now...

[sweetbabegirl]

 I see that I am not alone then!!!

I think sometimes little things have happened, and I'm like huney is that you? But I think it is more of a mind thing.I think I am wanting to actually feel him touch me. My dad passed away 4 years ago, and my mom felt him crawl into bed with her for a week. She didn't like the feeling, so she got rid of her bed. What I would give to feel him lay next to me. I would welcome him with open arms. I would fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing he was there.

I think I just want to feel the love that I am missing from him. My heart is full of thoughts and memories, so I would think he would be right here with me.

I sure hope he knows how much I miss him.

Diana

[solemate]

hi - Im so sorry for all of your losses - I have not lost a partner but many family members including my beloved parents together one year ago.  I have struggled through my emotions and reactions and was recommended by my grief counsellor to read "alison dubois" "we are their heaven"  I have read the book and now have some peace as to my loved ones presence albeit when I look at a photo and smile or cry, see a rainbow or feel a warmth that they are with me.  We all need to find some peace with our losses and what ever suits us as individuals is what is best.  I sought a reading in the early days and was blown away by the acuracy of the information and the depth of the comments.  Some of the things were very private and only between me and each of my parents - I only share some of this information with selected people as lots do not believe in mediums.  when I went I thought $50 of entertainment or $50 worth of peace.  I have some peace.  Death is very much a part of life as is birth.  My thoughts and prayers are with each of us as we go through our individual journeys.  Take care everyone and be kind to yourself.  Gayle

[genevieve]

It hasn't been a month yet, and I am still feeling disbelief. I keep waiting for him to call or email. He died abroad, far away from me, and although I saw his casket and attended the funeral, I still can't believe he's gone.

I miss talking to him and feeling him snuggle up to me in bed, talk about a new book he's reading or share a song he's heard. I feel like anything new I see or hear or experience is taking me further away from him, but things from our shared past are so painful.

I miss him so much.

[bettespaghetti]

It's been a month and a bit over a week since I lost my boyfriend.  I feel much the same as you.  I miss him holding me.  He was a big guy and I always felt so safe, secure, comforted and at peace in his arms.  I miss hearing him tease me cuz I am always so serious. 

It's a little easier now than I was even a week ago, but there are times I feel his loss so greatly I don't know how I will manage.  I have and I will, it just isn't going to happen over night.

Big Hugs!!

Bette

[alwaysalone]

Just over 2 months for me - I am more alone now than ever. I still talk to him when I'm alone, almost expecting an answer, but I get nothing.  As full as my life should be at this point, it feels like nothing. Just going through the motions of living, work, taking the kids where they need to go, then try to sleep - I wish it worked......I feel like a robot - I don't dare feel, it hurts too much. It's getting worse right now, although I make a good outward appearance. No one has a clue.

Kate

[sweetbabegirl]

I'm with you always, It's been 1 month for me and everyday seems to be getting harder. I cry more now then I did the week after he passed. I think it's reality! My mom wanted me to go with her to visit my sister and I told her I wasn't up to it yet. I feel Better being at my own house, to cry when I want and not feel like I am bringing everyone around me down. It's harder then I ever could realize.

I like you keep thinking, the vacation is over, it's time for him to come home. I am wanting signs from him, acknowledging his presense, and I get nothing. That alone is tearing me up. I hear and read how people feel their presence, or they get a sign. I know my husband would comfort me if he sees me crying, but he hasn't.

I could keep on typing all the things I am feeling and NOT feeling, but again, I am not one who likes to bring others down. That is why I am thankful for this site. I know people here are going through the same emotions.

Thank you ALL!

Diana

[qubert]

Diana,

I think it takes awhile to receive a visit from our loved ones. It is almost 5 1/2 months for me and I can say at about 3 months I had my first dream, then last week after I had been cring all day Bruce came to me I am not sure if it was a dream or real. I woke up and he had layed his head on my crest he did not say anythink just a gental look and soft touch it was enough for me. So keep talking to him and say a prayer for the lord to help you to receive the message that you need to feel a little better. I know in time it will happen for you. Keep the faith. God Bless

Susan