New to loss

[maamgrey]

Wow, Sandy, that had to be just awful!  I understand what you mean that she was 98, but it was a death you had to deal with while your own grief is still so new and raw.  I bet you didn't even have time to think to say no and get someone else to do it.  I'm so sorry you had to go through it and hopefully it's an experience you'll never have to repeat.

Sue

[misshimstill]

Sandy,

It's been a while since I wrote to you because it's so hard to keep up with all the threads.  But I do read and have kept up a little bit.  You are doing so well.  I just wanted to tell you that.  I know you have a complicated deal there with all the family and school, etc., but you're almost through with the semester it sounds like, and you've done it!  It sounds like you did great in the situation with the woman who died.  I know it was hard, but you did it!  I agree with all the others who have suggested using an answering machine and not talking to anyone you don't want to talk to.  Forget what people are telling you about "not wallowing in your grief".  What's it to them?  Wallow if you want to.  It's your grief, not theirs.  It's not really wallowing, you know.  I call it "embracing your grief" and you need to do it.  It is possible to be so busy that you don't really grieve, and I know all about that.  Been there - done that.  Don't recommend it.  Just continue to take care of yourself and continue taking one day at a time, just like you've been doing.  Still praying for you.

~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Oneta,

     Thank you.  It has been a real struggle trying to keep up.  I am fortunate in many ways.  Sad as this sounds, one of my husband's friend's died two months before my husband.  His wife and I have grown very close, calling each other whenever we need someone to talk to, even in the middle of the night.  We are going to go on our first outing together with our children on Friday.  We're taking them out for lunch and to a merry go round in the local mall and just hang out.  Later that evening we are going to meet up and take the kids out to the movies to see Horton Hears a Who.  We're starting to spend a lot of time together since our kids are close in age.  It's a comfort having people around that are going through the same thing.  Our friends don't seem to understand what is going on.  In all actuality, neither do our families.   I can't thank everyone here enough.  You all have helped me incredibly.

Sandy

 

    

[misshimstill]

Sandy,  It sounds like you've got a perfect companion in your grief.  It really helps to have someone who just understands what you're feeling without having to explain yourself.  That's the bad thing about grief.   People always think they know what's best for you who don't have a clue!  I'm really glad you have someone close who you can do things with, and you understand each other and know what the other is feeling without having to say a word.  Families sometimes are the worst.  I just had wanted to check in on you and see how you're dong.  Be in touch with you later.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Ok, the inlaws are a dilemma again.  They sent a huge box of different types of candy, a movie,  clothes, toys and stuffed animal in a huge basket for my child for Easter.  How do I get this to stop????  I don't have a problem with them sending him a stuffed toy and a chocolate bunny.  But come on, even the Easter Bunny can't top this!  I bet they spent over $150!  This is rediculous.  I am trying to teach my child values.  I want him to appreciate his grandparents for who they are, not what they buy him!!!  He has too many toys as it is now.   When I say something to them about this problem, they threaten me with Grandparent Rights!!!  I realize that this literally means diddly squat but how dare they!!!  They never did this when my husband was alive!!!  They honored our wishes.  Now they are defying everything I say.  I'm talking to an attorney in a couple weeks to have my will reviewed and updated.  I'm going to see if there is anything I can do legally.  I don't want to keep him away from them, but if all they are going to do is buy, buy, spoil, spoil.  That is not going to happen.   My husband hated how his nieces and nephews have turned out and he swore up and down that he wouldn't let his parent do it to our child.  Now that my hubby is gone, I'm being ridiculed, criticized and what I say doesn't matter because they are going to continue whether I like it or not.  My mother in law has even threatened to talk to a lawyer so she can get rights to her grandchild.  She wants him 4 weeks in the summer and every other weekend and every holiday.  HA!!! Like that will happen.   First off my child has asthma, they smoke!  He has numerous allergies-- they won't make concessions because they think allergies don't exist.  Thirdly, my child doesn't want to stay with them--he doesn't know them, he is afraid of them!  I'm just getting sick of this hullabaloo.  I just want to tell them to get a life and let me live mine.  Their son is dead.  I thought I was being reasonable.  It is not like I don't want them to see him, they just won't do it without me present!  Three more weeks and they'll be 5 miles from me until January!  Aren't I lucky!!!

Sandy

[sidvis]

gone4vr, You must know it is the guilt working here.  My in-laws were always too busy to see my kids, but now that her son is dead, she just can't get enough.  And she will try to make me feel guilty if I don't include her or invite her to anything they are involved in.  Well,  I have told her point blank, NO.  And I say it often.  I refuse to let anyone use emotional black-mail on me.  They need to get themselves to a counselor to work out their guilt.  We can't help them,  we have enough to deal with.  And, to threaten  you with legal action just shows their true colors.  Good luck.

[gone4evr]

Well, I have good news.  I took my son to see a pediatric cardiologist.  All of his tests reveal a normal heart.   He shows no signs of any congenital abnormalities, no arrhythmias.  We also had several genetic tests ran and he shows no abnormalities there either.  It is a relief to know he is fine.  I will continue to monitor him over the years but at least most of my worries have been relieved.

I start another two classes tomorrow.  Hard to believe I actually passed both classes.  I honestly don't know how I pulled it off.  I thought for sure that I failed at least one but it turned out I passed both.  

I feel so incredibly empty inside.  When I'm not busy and I have time to think about it, then the tears and grief hit hard.  I absolutely hate that he is gone.  I miss him so very much.  My son is doing so much better than I am.  I just wish I could find some peace with it.  I need to slowly start moving on, but I don't know how. 

Sandy

[gone4evr]

I had the strangest thing happen to me today.  I was at Curves and this lady walked up to me, struck up a conversation as if she had known me all of her life.  "You remember me?  I was at your husband's funeral, our husbands were friends."  She then told me who her husband was.  Ironic thing is, in all of the years we were together my husband never mentioned or even visited this person.  I apologized for not remembering her at the funeral and asked her what her name was.  She got mad at me!! "I am ..... MY Husband was your husband's best friend.  "I was at the visitation AND at the funeral.  I again apologized for not recognizing her.  She then became irate and stormed out telling the receptionist that I was a snob!!! 

First off, how many of you actually remember who was at your husband's funeral or visitation?  I still don't remember much about the funeral or visitation, it all seems like a blur.  I remember that there were so many people that I didn't know and that I felt overwhelmed.  I remember being so thirsty and every time I made an attempt to get out to get something to drink, I was swarmed by more people.  I remember the phone ringing nonstop between the visitations and not getting anything to eat that day.  I remember wanting to find a place to hide.  I can't even tell you which of my family members were there let alone strangers.  The funeral was even worse.  By then I was so exhausted, I hadn't slept much.  I wasn't eating very much either.  I felt overwhelmed and at the same time it was as if it were a bad dream and I was waiting to wake up.  I remember saying to myself, "it's time to wake up, it's just a dream." 

I feel horrible for that lady, but I tried to explain.  My husband never introduced me to people.  He would tell me who they were after the fact but never in their presence.  I don't remember even hearing about the person she was talking about or the name doesn't ring a bell.  My husband only hung out with a couple people and I know they weren't one of them, so I don't have a clue who her husband was. 

My second interesting experience was at the meat counter at the grocery store.  I was asking the butcher about a certain cut of meat for a recipe and what could I substitute.  I wasn't even there 5 minutes.  A couple minutes later this woman comes up to me while I'm in another area of the store and chews me out for flirting with the butcher.  Flirting with the butcher???  She then said, "You just wait until I talk to your inlaws.  I can't believe, your husband has only been dead two months and you are flirting with someone else, how disrespectful"  Then she stormed off?  Has this world gone nuts???  Am I not allowed to talk to men?  Can I not ask questions?  What are the rules to this widowhood???  First off, I was not flirting with the butcher.  He is old enough to be my father!!!  I was asking about a good cut of meat for a stir fry.  Some days I think I'm suppose to wear all black and a black veil and stay out of stores or anywhere there are men.   I am so confused by people.  Anyone else have any interesting odd experiences???

Sandy

 

 

 

[aurora]

Sandy, we all seem to be in the Twilight Zone when it comes to grieving and people. You don't need either of those women in your life that's for sure. The whole grief and death thing seems to bring really bizarre behavior out in some people. Hopefully some day we'll all be able to look back with a cosmic sense of humor on these weird episodes. No there are no rules for grief. Hopefully they went out with the Victorians and/or women's liberation. You have to grieve in your own way in your own time. I've been tempted to snap back at people in these bizarre encounters with people and I have on occasion. Some of them genuinely don't understand what we're going through,others can be just plain mean on their own agenda and not ours. You are the one that gets to pick and choose who you deal with. I won't tolerate rude people anymore. I came out of enough shock to talk back to them, hang up on them or walk away from them without interacting with them.

[gone4evr]

I just think it's so strange how people think.  Half the time I think to myself, "would you want that said to you if you were in my shoes???"  I know some people have good intentions but don't know what to say and others are absolutely clueless.   The lady at Curves-- the light was on but no one was home!!  At times comments are very hurtful and other times I just sit back and laugh.  These two episodes just left me bewildered.  It was comical.   I actually got a good laugh out of it. 

I know most people don't understand that when you lose someone to death your brain doesn't function very well those first few weeks or maybe I should say months.  I honestly do not remember most of that first week.  I remember bits and pieces and that is all.  What I remember the most is this intense numbness, almost like being in a fog.    As the weeks went by the numbness was replaced by a brain that seemed lost or in a thick fog.  I actually don't feel like I had a brain until about two, maybe three weeks ago.  Now most of my  common sense has returned.  I still do not make any major decisions without consulting my family.  My confidence is still shaky.  My heart still aches for my husband.  But the good thing is I am able to function and am slowly trying to piece together my life. 

Sandy

[aurora]

Sandy you're on the right track. Yes, these people are totally clueless or 2 tacos short of a combination plate. Death is still taboo in this country so people don't know what to say or do. Maybe we should all get together and write a book! I'm glad you're able to laugh. That feels so good doesn't it?

[maamgrey]

I have no idea who was at the funeral.  I sat in the front and some of Mike's family did too.  How would I have any idea who was behind me?  I know my family was there but I'm not sure where they sat.  I had made all the arrangements and Mike's family had come from out of town so I was also taking care of them.  We filed out of the church behind the casket and got into the limo to go to the cemetery.  I have no clue. 

They even talk about the 10-day phenomenon, although for me it was about 6 days.  That's when all the people were around and like you said, you're in shock and don't really take anything in.  Then everyone's gone and now you have to start dealing with lawyers and wills and estates, which you have no stomach for at all so you go on auto-pilot.

Then it's just trying to make it through each day.  Numb and brain fog are perfect descriptions.  Nothing seems real to me.  Mike is gone and that just can't be real so there is no reality.  I go through the paces of each day and by the evening I'm exhausted from making it through the day.  And then it just starts all over again - over and over and over.  There seems no purpose in going on.

Sue

[aurora]

It sure is scary all the things we have to sign while still in shock. Who knows what you're signing.

[gone4evr]

That's ironic.  I have often thought  that there needs to be a book that is written by widows and widowers about their experience.  About their children's experiences and how they coped.  What helped, what didn't, goofy things that were said to us.  How disrespectful people can be and etiquette for dealing with those left behind.  I think if I get patronized one more time by the school principal, he is going to get decked!!  

I get so tired of bereavement groups that are run by social workers who haven't even lost a family member and yet they are the so called specialist.  I honestly can say, until you have walked in our shoes, how can you be a specialist???  I have seriously thought about starting a support group for widows and widowers under the age of 50.  Every support group I have been to have been with much older widows that cannot relate to me.  I keep getting told "Be thankful you were only married 8 years, imagine how much pain you would be in if your marriage had lasted 50 years."  They have totally different needs.  Most were at retirement age, had raised their children.  I had nothing in common, except that I had lost my husband.  Of course, I feel to early in the process to be of any benefit to anyone, but it's an idea for those of you who are further along.

I do have a question.  My husband died almost 3 months ago.  Hard to believe.  I am beginning to feel pretty functional.  I still have a lot of tearful moments but for the most part I think I am beginning to accept that this isn't a bad dream, he is gone, and he isn't coming back.  I still have moments of anger, mostly at him for leaving.  Yesterday I was ticked off because a really good job that he was more than qualified for has come up at the college.   Because I am an employee he would have been a shoe in, which would have meant fabulous retirement for him and better benefits.  That's beside the point, nothing I can do about that now.  My question is this.  Is it going to continue to get better?  What did you go through during the first year?  I know holidays are tough and I'm sure Christmas is going to be the worst along with his birthday.  What helped you guys and gals cope that first year?  Were there absolutely horrible phases that are yet to come?

Sandy 

 

[aurora]

I was in total shock and was in a fog and numb the first year and a half because my husband suicided and left me in financial ruin. I had 1 financial surprise after another. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can be awful and the anticipation is worse. Try to do something meaningful on those days and be with friends or family who truly know what you are going through and can cope with it-or be alone if that is what will help you get through the day.

[gone4evr]

I have a lot of anger right now.  I'm mad at the ER doctor for not doing an autopsy, so we knew what happened.  (I even asked for one and he declined saying it was too expensive and he knew it was a heart attack).  But what that anal retentive useless jerk didn't think of was the fact that I have a small child, it would have been nice to know what we were up against.  I'm mad at myself for not putting that sorry excuse for a doctor in his place and demanding an autopsy.  I'm mad at my husband for dying.  At God for turning my life completely upside down and for taking my husband when we need him the most.  I'm mad at everyone who says not to dwell on it, that it's time to move on and start getting your life back on track.  I'm probably the maddest at God and fate or destiny or whatever that may be.  I just wish they would have picked on someone else.  I have had so many losses over the years that I actually fear letting anyone get close to me out of fear I am cursed.  I'm mad at myself for actually believing that I would be lucky and grow old with my husband.  What would have given me that idea, especially with my track record?  I have lost a fiancee to a car accident, a girlfriend of mine died from a brain aneuysm leaving behind two small girls, another girlfriend of mine died from cancer, my favorite aunt died from gangrene and then my husband dies.  Then on top of it, the company my brother works for has closed it's doors suddenly and he is going to have to move his family somewhere else.  My son has not only lost his father, but now he is losing the two little girls that have been like sisters to him and the uncle that has been filling in for daddy.  What more can happen??  Oh wait, I know, his grandparents on his father's side are going to be home in a week and think they are going to just step in and tell me what to do.  They think that because it was their son, they deserve a say in our lives.  Life couldn't get any worse if it tried.  Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't say that, I'd be tempting fate to test me even more.

And I thought that I was getting better!!  Apparently not.  It just amazes me how this just creeps up and attacks!  I think I have gone through all the stages of grief at least 20 times.  When does the acceptance kick in?  Does it kick in?  I have already been through the Denial, the bargaining, the depression and the anger.  Only problem is the depression and anger keep resurfacing all the time.  As for the isolation, I've been doing that all along.  I am so sick of people coming over and feeling sorry for me that I just stick to myself or go out to places where people don't know who I am.  Any suggestions??

Sandy

[maamgrey]

Dear Sandy,

I'm sorry for all your losses and I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions.  If we did, this forum probably wouldn't need to exist.

All I can tell you is that you've got company.  I hate waking up every morning because I get slapped in the face all over again that he's gone and also because I don't know what kind of day it's going to be.  Will it be okay or screaming or meltdown or depressed and gloomy or angry, etc.?  And I don't have any control over it, over how I'm going to feel or what's going to happen.  I don't like not being in control!

Anyway, acceptance, for me, Is a long way off.  Many people are now calling it acknowledgement that you KNOW he's gone and not coming back.  Some people feel that acceptance implies agreement, and we sure as hell don't agree with these losses! 

I don't even think about the future because I figure I'll just live out the rest of my life this way.  I'll go to work, come home, go on the computer and watch TV and go to bed and then do it all over again the next day.  At least I have my 4 dogs for company.  Close family but I'm getting tired of them checking on me every day.  I'm not sick, I'm grieving!  No children and thank God, no in-laws.

My friends are scattered all over the coountry and like you, I tend to be more solitary.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help, but at least know that Misery doesn't just love company - Misery loves miserable company!

I'm thinking about you and wishing you strength.

Sue

[aurora]

Sandy, I'm so sorry you received that SPAM! I hope you turned it in to Kelly so she can deal with it. It is so disgusting that people prey on others when they are grieving. Enough is happening to us in "real" life without this too!

[misshimstill]

Hi, Sandy.  I just felt I needed to check in on you.  I haven't done that in a few days.  I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're having such a rough time.  The woman or women (I didn't catch if it was one or two different people) who accosted you in the store and at Curves is out of her tree!  I'll tell you the honest God truth!  I have no idea outside of who signed the register at the funeral who was there and who wasn't there.  I was in such a fog and state of shock.  We all are.  No one could be expected to know who all was there.  It isn't a party, for goodness sake!  You're not there for the people who come... they're supposed to be there for YOU.  Try not to let it bother you.  I know that's hard to do.

I want to commend you for getting through your classes!  I remember talking to you about that right after your husband died.  You didn't think you could do it, BUT YOU DID!!!!  You should be very proud of yourself.  You're probably just relieved, but there's room for a little self-congratulation, too.

The people who have talked to you about your inlaws, Maam and others, are right about why they are doing what they're doing.  It's all their guilt for not having given their son any attention and time and love when he was here.  You don't have to let your son see those things.  You can send them right back where they come from, unopened.  Or dole them out to him over time as you see fit.  You owe them nothing!

I understand all the anger you're feeling right now.  It will get better with time.  There's nothing wrong with expressing it to us and letting off steam.  In fact, it's good for you to do that. 

Blessings today.  I'm praying for you.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Thank you all.  I just feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.  Right now I am fine, this morning I was angry, in a couple hours who knows!  A lot depends on the weather I think.  Right now it's sunny, whereas earlier it was cloudy. 

I ran into a friend while I was at Curves, she has been widowed twice!  She helped lighten my mood a little.  Then of course I had to go to the pharmacy (son has a double ear infection--ouch).  Then I came home to find my mom and my aunt here.  My aunt of course poured herself all over me "How are you doing, you poor thing, how can I help you...."  She is so fake and dramatic, her over empathy is absolutely nauseating.   (Someone please get me a barf bag.) 

My husband and my father use to joke around about my mom's family.  I guess I was oblivious to them over the years.  I tolerated them or just avoided them.  Well now, they are coming out in full force and I now understand what my husband and father were laughing about all these years.  My dad's family is awesome, that's one major blessing.  I love being around them. 

I signed on for two more classes but I am definitely taking the summer off to relax and just be with my son.  These two classes don't seem to be as bad as the last two.  The reading is much lighter, not so technical. 

Thank you all for being here.  It really helps to be able to vent to people who understand.  Until you go through something I don't think you understand fully.

Sandy

[maamgrey]

Sandy,

I agree about the weather affecting my state of mind.  I live in CT and most of the winter was cloudy and gray and rainy and so far the spring is following suit.  Today is sunny and I feel better.  Although, as you say, who knows how I'll feel in 10 minutes.  The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting!

Take care of yourself and put yourself and your son's needs above those of your family and in-laws.

Sue

[gone4evr]

I've been spending time reading the different posts on this forum.  Has anyone noticed that the age of a lot of our deceased spouses is in their 40's?  I wonder why that is?  I noticed that on another message board that I go to for widows. 

Today was not a good day.  I went shopping and it seemed like every place I went triggered all these sad memories.  Memories of things we won't ever do again together.   Including argue.  I miss that.  I went to a restaurant all by myself, one that we had never been to...the food was awful.  I was really uncomfortable being there all by myself.  :? Seems strange, since I have eaten in restaurants by my self many times before this happened. 

I went into Home Depot for paint and remembered how much we use to argue about what color to paint the livingroom, or how we couldn't afford to paint the livingroom-- (my husband was an accountant and very tight with money).   Well babycakes, I win.  I get to choose the color and I am going to paint the livingroom!!!  Actually I have to paint the livingroom and a couple of the bedrooms.  I'm having my house re-appraised in May, to refinance and get a little extra money from the equity, to make the house a little more comfortable for my son and I.    We need a fresh coat of paint anyway and I need to start getting more organized.  I don't know what I'm going to do with all of my husband's belongings.  I just know I can't part with them right now.  My aunt is going to make quilts for both my son and I out of his shirts.   Something we can curl up with on the couch or when we miss him.  I'm going to take over my husband's office and make it mine.  Well, mostly mine.  I did promise my son his own office space in that room.  I'll bring up the old computer and get a new tower so he can play games while I study.

My inlaws will be back next week!!  Oh joy!!  My mother in law is mad at me because I have laid down the law on toys and spoiling my son.  She claims that now that her son is gone, they should have a say in how their son's child should be raised.   If she wants to spoil him, she will.  I asked her if she ever heard of Goodwill or Good Samaritan because that will be where toys will be heading, long before he sees them.  It amazes me, they were never around here before my husband died.  Why do I get blessed with their presence now that he is gone?  I know guilt.    I told her that no one told her how to raise her children, no one will tell me how to raise mine.  Her only remark was "We'll discuss this when we get home!"  Bring it on GRAND-MA!  Aren't I a lucky lady!  Can't wait for next week!  Anyone know how to freeze time??

Sandy

[maamgrey]

Oh Sandy, if we could only freeze time, none of us would have to be here!

Sounds like you've come to a very strong place - taking charge and being in charge on your own!  You're very inspiring.

Sorry that you have to deal with your in-laws with all the other stress you are under.

It IS sad how many young widows there are!  Like all of us I hate the emptiness and loneliness in the house.  And I am SO tired of this cloudy, rainy, gloomy weather - although it matches my mood.

Take care,

Sue

[gone4evr]

Inspiring, hardly.  I am really stuggling, every day just like everyone else.  I use college to mentally distract me, it's an escape.  It wasn't meant to be that, but that is exactly what it has become.  When I don't want to see anyone, I use it as an excuse to keep people away.  "I have to study", works great.  When I am not studying or at work, or playing with my son, I am an absolute wreck.  I force myself to be busy so I don't think about our situation.  Do I think this is healthy?  Absolutely not, but right now I can't cope any other way.  The pain is just so intense.  My heart is broken.  All of our dreams have been shattered.  I know my husband isn't happy with this situation either.  He would want to be with us no matter how wonderful the place he is at.

I think I mentioned once before that my aunt's husband has cancer.  He underwent a radical neck operation a couple weeks ago.  His follow up was this week.  It appears that they were able to get everything, his labs looked great.  He now has to endure chemo and radiation.  I should be happy that he is likely going to beat his cancer, but all I can think of is why couldn't my husband be saved?  My uncle is an absolute jerk.  He is mentally, physically and emotionally abusive to my aunt.  He is an alcoholic and drug addict. 

 My husband was a really great guy.  Everyone who knew him loved him.  Why couldn't my husband be saved??  What did my husband do to deserve this?  My husband did everything right.  Why couldn't his illness be reversed? 

I find myself envious of my cousins and friends who are married.  They have what I want back.  It's just not fair.  I hate this, it's so not fair.

Sandy

[maamgrey]

I feel the same thing - why did Mike have to die at age 53?  His father is 85, in a nursing home, can't get out of bed, can't talk, doesn't recognize people, etc.  It was HIS time, not Mike's.  He doesn't even know about Mike.

What are you studying in college?  I remember you saying you finished 2 courses - that's amazing under all this pressure and stress.  Are you taking any now?

I try to fill up my day with as much work as possible.  It helps keep my mind off things when I see clients, but the rest of the time it's all I can think about.  I can't sem to get myself off the couch to do anything except be on the computer, have the TV on, or read.

I can't stand seeing other couples.  I'm so crazy that someone forwarded me one of those e-mails with cute animal couples and I even resented that! 

I think you sounded strong in your previous post and you probably were at the time you wrote it, even if it was fleeting.  Isn't that the horrible thing - that this grief is such an emotional rollercoaster.  The last few days I've been in the numb phase - don't feel anything and don't care about anything.  Sometimes that's easier.

Tomorrow (in 5 mins. I guess it'll be today) it will be 10 weeks.  Every Saturday I relive that last day.  I miss him and want him back so much!

Life really sucks these days.

[gone4evr]

Sue,

It will be 12 weeks on Monday night and 3 months on the 14th.  I hate how I now measure everything in weeks since my husband's death. 

My mother is still upset with me because I can't be happy over my uncle.  She thinks I need a psychiatrist,  because I'm not getting over my grief fast enough for my family's liking.  I hate to say this, my family doesn't make it any easier.  They all act like nothing happened, life has gone on, like my husband's life meant nothing.  On the opposite extreme is my inlaws who are running on major guilt.  Then throw in my mom's sisters who either feel overly sorry for me and drip all over me or they think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Some days I'd like to shake the whole lot of them and say "What I am feeling is normal, no I'm not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I am just grieving over the senseless loss of my husband. 

In answer to your question, I had started my master's degree as a nurse practitioner one week before my husband died.  I think I'm still in shock over passing the last two classes, they were very difficult.  I was taking health assessment, which was my favorite and pathophysiology (yuck).  This term I am taking two more classes.  This term seems a little lighter, work wise.  Both classes are very interesting which will help.  I also teach at a local college part time.  We have 4 more weeks left, then I get a month off before I teach summer classes. 

I know what you mean about those cute little email animal couples, I envy them too.  I hate going to the mall or shopping because I see couples everywhere and as sad as this sounds "I hate them."  I hated being single.  I was so happy when my husband asked me to marry him because I would no longer be one of those people that was single.  Eight years later, I'm back to being single AGAIN!  The only blessing is I'm single with a child, a beautiful child that I dearly love.   A child that reminds me of my husband. 

Why couldn't this happen to someone else?  Why did it have to happen to all of us?  What did we do to deserve this???  I admit, it does seem to get easier each day, but I still have horrible days and when they are horrible they are really horrible.  I think we all have that. 

Sandy 

 

[gone4evr]

I talked to the bank yesterday regarding refinancing my home.  In order to do so I need to put down an additional $10,000.  I was talking to my father and he thinks that instead of just handing over the money to the bank that I should put on a carport or garage, put a new porch on the front of the house, a new roof and paint the interior which will raise the value of the home.  He thinks that by making a few changes that we can raise the assessed value and get a better deal when we go to refinance in June and I won't have to put any money down.   It sounds so practical, but I just worry what people, particularly my inlaws, are going to say.  "He's been gone only 3 months and she's already making changes"  Does this sound stupid on my part??  Should I be worrying about what others are saying?  The house does need some updating.  The inside really needs a paint job just to freshen it up.  My husband hated spending money on the house.   

Why is this such a hard decision for me?  It's not like I'm getting rid of any of his things.  I'm just making the house more comfortable for my son and I.  I guess I just need some reassurance.  I know I have to refinance in June.  I need to get the house in my name only and get a fixed rate mortgage.  Right now the mortgage is ok but in June the rates will go up and up and I don't want that. 

Sandy

 

[aurora]

Sandy, you sound like a bone in the middle of a dog fight when it comes to all those people:). Grieve in your own time at your own pace, not somebody else's. You were the person that was closest to your husband, they weren't so they will move ahead a lot faster than you. I was told not to make any major decisions until after a year had passed but because of the financial disaster my husband left me in before he killed himself, I was forced into signing all kinds of papers and making decisions while in shock. It sounds like your father is somebody you can trust but maybe that's moving you ahead too fast to do renovations like that. Just a thought....

[maamgrey]

Sandy

So many of the things you said could have come straight from my mouth.  Just like you, I count everything from the day Mike died.  I also see somthing and think "oh that happened or I did that and Mike was still alive." 

I didn't mind being single before, but I sure hate it now.  Being with Mike was so fulfilling and I hate having to go places by myself and not have his company and talk to him.

Good for you with your courses.  When will you be finished?  What do you have to do to be a nurse practioner?  Are you already a nurse?

Yes, you are lucky to have a child - it always helps!  I never had any.

As far as your family and your in-laws, I think you should tell them all to go take a flying leap and leave you alone.  You'll do what you need to in the time you need, as best you see fit   You don't need everyone else's pressure on you.

Just keep plugging alone - sounds like you're doing all the things that are best for you.

Sue

[gone4evr]

I don't think I have much of a choice when it comes to the renovations.  Unfortunately my husband wasn't much of a home financial expert.  We got into one of those adjustable rate mortgages and unfortunately in June my housepayment could potentially go up another $300 or more and continue to climb.  So, I have to get a fixed rate mortgage as soon as I can break free of the current mortgage.  I can't get out of the mortgage without paying a hefty fine until June 15th, so I have some time.  Unfortunately my appraisal won't be as high because of the current housing market being so low.  I literally will be upside down on my house.  So I have two options:  pay the bank $10,000 and get the housepayment lowered or I can invest in my home the $10,000 which will increase the value of my home and then refinance and get a lower payment. 

I think the hard part is not so much what to do, it just hurts to do it.  To change the home that my husband and I lived in.  I still hear in my head "I'm worth more to you dead than alive"  Of course, he was just joking around when he was telling me about the life insurance policy but he still said it.  On top of it all, I know that if he didn't have a life insurance policy I wouldn't be able to do this.  In fact I would be really screwed royally.  So I am grateful to him for taking care of us.  It just hurts.  I miss him and would trade it all in to have him back. 

Sandy

[gone4evr]

Sue,

    How long has it been for you?  You seem to be doing so well.  I dread being single, I absolutely hate it.  Being single before was easier because all I had to watch out for was myself, now I have to think about my son too.  I don't think I'll ever date again, because I'm so afraid of what is out there.  When my husband was alive, I felt safe.  I hear all of these horrible stories on the news about child molestors, pedaphiles, and child abusers, it scares me.  I now have to be the protector.  Will I make the right choices?  It's just safer if I stay single at least until my son is old enough to protect himself.

     In the meantime, I can focus on both my career and my child.  I have been a nurse for 18 years.  I have at least 2 more years of college before I will be a nurse practitioner.  I also have a couple other decisions to make career wise but at this time those decisions are on hold and can wait a long time for a decision.

Sandy

[rodless]

Sandy,

I refinanced my house after Rod died and did a bunch of improvements. We had planned to do it but never got there because he got sick. It sounds to me like you have your head on straight. This housing market is the pits. The important thing is to make sure you and your son have the home you need. I'm sure Rod's kids were saying plenty when they saw the new front entrance, roof etc. but I did what I had to do and to heck with them. Stay strong!

Mary Jo

[gone4evr]

Thanks Mary Jo,

        My uncle is getting me a bid on the job by the end of the week.  He says he can have the whole job completed in two weekends.  He's a really good builder and is going to cut me a deal on labor. 

        I'm really struggling this week.  I have an upper respiratory and sinus infection and feel miserable.  My hubby isn't here to make me feel better .   I worked all day long and have two more days to work this week and unfortunately I can't take the time off.  My students have only 4 more weeks so time is of the essence. 

       My husband has been gone twelve weeks, hard to believe.  Next Monday he will be gone 3 months.  I went to the cemetary after work tonight.  I still have to order the headstone so I went and looked at a few.  There is a baby that died two years ago kitty corner to my husband's plot.  The teddy bear the parents had put on their child's grave had blown off and was in the plot next to my husband's.  So I replaced it.  How heartbreaking to lose an infant.  My husband is burried among people  he has known over the years, a teacher, an attorney's daughter in law, a baby whose parents we knew.  I didn't plan it that way, but it relieves me that he is not among strangers.  I know, sounds strange.  The irony, most of the people around him are all young in their 30's and 40's. 

       I happened to fall upon a favorite CD of my husband's.  One of the songs on it seems so appropriate.  The singer is Josh Grobin and the song is "To Where You Are".  If you get a chance to listen to it, it is very appropriate.   I'm going to share the lyrics but credit it to Josh Grobin:  They are:

  Who can say for certain, Maybe you're still here.  I feel you all around me.  YOur memory's so clear.  Deep in the still ness.  I can hear you speak.  You're still and inspiration Can it be?  That you are mine, forever love.  And you are watching over me from up above.  Fly me up to where you are.  Beyond the distant star.  I wish upon tonight to see you smile.  If only for awhile to know you're there.  A breath away's not far to where you are.  Are you gently sleeping.  Here inside my dream.  And isn't faith believing.  All power can't be seen.  As my heart holds you, just one beat away.  I cherish all you gave me everyday.  'Cause you are my forever love.  Watching me from up above.  And I believe that angels breathe.  Ant that love will live on and never leave.  Fly me up to where you are.  Beyond the distant start.  I wish upon tonight to see you smile.  If only for awhile to know you're there.  A breath away's not far to where you are. 

I hope it touches all of you as it did me.  Yes, I know, it's a sign, a first.

Sandy

 

     

[aurora]

Sandy, those a beautiful lyrics. Thanks for sharing them. The first song I heard in a restaurant after my husband died was the one that always reminded me of him. It is by Dan Hill. I put the lyrics elsewhere on BI. Things like that can really touch your heart.

[rodless]

Sandy, I have that cd and listen to that song so much I'm surprised the track hasn't worn out. What a comfort...one breath, one heartbeat. That's all that separates us. And even though I know there could be many years before I join him, it still makes me feel better to know that's all that's keeping us apart. I hope it will bring you comfort too. Mary Jo

[gone4evr]

I have been doing the same thing over and over and over again all day long.  I like You're Still You on that same CD. 

Sandy

[rodless]

Sandy, I like that one too. Music can be such a painful thing or such a comfort. It's really strange how one day a song makes me cry and another the same song makes me smile. I finally put the phantom of the opera soundtack in the car. I haven't listened to it yet. I gave it to Rod for his birthday 2 years ago today and he played it constantly. One of the things on a checklist I saw of how to know when you've completed the grief process is to be able to listen to your loved ones music without sadness. I'm working on it. MJ

[gone4evr]

I'm thinking about someday becoming a grief counselor-- in addition to all my other things.  I had talked to the mortician in our town and he sees a real need for it especially for young widows.  He thought that having a young widow providing grief support in those first days would be most helpful, because the general public doesn't know how to deal with grief.  It would have been nice to have someone to talk to who knew what I was feeling in those early days.  In addition, I could direct young widows to this website much earlier, when they need a friend who understands, who doesn't judge, and is just there to listen. 

To be honest, I would have been totally lost if it had not been for my father who "kept everything under control."  I couldn't have made the decisions or worse yet would have been swayed by my inlaws to have this elaborate funeral and they wouldn't have helped me out.  I would have had this incredibly expensive funeral, if it would have been left to my inlaws.  A grief counselor could help mediate.  Of course, I'm not ready for this role yet, but I do see it in the future.  It's an idea for those of you further along.

Sandy

[gone4evr]

I have an appointment on Friday to have my husband's headstone designed.  I think I'm going to keep it simple but would like input from all of you.  This seems so final.  I'm almost scared to see a headstone with my husband's name on it.

Sandy

[gone4evr]

I have a new one for you.  I had an appointment to set up my will on Friday.  Today I learned that my attorney, age 49, died two weeks ago from an embolism.  Amazingly his partner called me personally to see if I would mind seeing him instead.  I jokingly asked him if he was sure he wanted an appointment with me.  It seems every time I set up an appointment with someone either they lose a relative to death and have to reschedule or they die themselves before I even get a chance to talk to them in person.  I feel jinxed!!!

Sandy

[gone4evr]

I think I'm finally feeling some inner peace.  I had a lot of decisions that I had to make this last week and just could not do it.  I went to the cemetary and had a long talk with my husband explaining that I could not go on like this.  I remembered what someone said about letting their spouse go.  So I asked him (I know it sounds ironic), but I said, "Are you ready to be let go?"   I told him I would never stop loving him but the heaviness of grief was preventing me from making some pretty important decisions.  At that exact moment, a few of the clouds separated (the day was very overcast) and the sun shone through directly over me.  I took that as his sign to me that he thought it was time.  So I told him that I was letting him go and that we would be ok, that he would be ok, that I will always love him and never forget him and I promised to be strong for our child.  Amazingly, I felt this incredible peace and strength and warmth.  I know he will always be by my side and that our love for one another will never die, it has just moved to a different level.  And I know that I will always miss him and will still grieve from time to time, but I found peace.  That night, I actually dreamed about him and he was smiling.  I feel his presence in my home now,  and in my heart, it has replaced the heaviness I felt all the time.  I don't feel so lost.  I am finally able to laugh and I appreciate the flowers that are poking out along the porch and life doesn't seem so gray all the time. 

Sandy

 

 

[crazylady]

Dear Sandy,

I was just reading and came across the Lyrics you put down from the song by Josh Grobin.what lovely words and such meanings they have. Thankyou for sharing them. I lost my husband on New Years Eve, i haven't been able to actually sit and listen to his music as yet, but on occasions when i have been in shops etc, i've heard his favourite records and although i get choked, i know he is with me. I miss him so much, i get so angry and frustrated because there are so many things i cannot do, that he did without thinking. Life seems quite unfair. Next month will be our meeting Anniversary, he was always so thoughtful never forgetting such a kind man, my life feels very lonely and empty without him. I hope that one day i can find peace but that seems far away right now.

Lynn:(

 

 

[kathy714]

DEAR GONE4EVER,i loss my son Nathan in 2005,and i couldn't get myself to even think of picking out a headsone,than oneday,early in the morning i was walking his dog,it was a fall day,and steam was rising from the water on our lake,i ran home and got my camerar to take a pic,.when i saw the pic,i knew that was what i wanted on his stone,he spent his whole life on that lake,it came out breath taking ,i cried when i saw it,and the person who did it did a awesome job.it took me almost 2 years to do it,i had a home made wooded cross with a pic of nate on it,and e1 that went to visit him signed the cross,i now have that in my memory garden.My husband passed away this jan 9 th,so he is also there.I have a pic of it ,on memoryof,com;Nathan Black if you want to see it.GOD BLESS,kATHY

[gone4evr]

My world just crashed. 

I received my husband's medical records this week.   It appears he had an inferior wall myocardial infarct  and an enlarged right atria (which inevitably is congenital)early in his 30's (the EKG was done in 1999).  His cholesterol was 330 back then and had come down to 236 in July of 2007.  His white coat syndrome was very apparent and there is  plenty of documentation re: the drastic changes of his pressure when he was on blood pressure medications.  I see no indication that he was talked to about this occurance nor was he referred to a cardiologist even though there is a note on his chart about his family history.  I don't know if my husband knew about the heart attack (there is nothing that indicates he was ever told about the EKG results) or if he wasn't told.  :X The worse part, the doctors he saw were doctors that I had worked with.  I am crushed.

I see it as just a cruel injustice to us.  Had I known, I would have dragged his chicken of a butt into a cardiologist.  Sadly, there is nothing I can do now.  If I sue, then I sue some very close friends of mine.  Nothing I do now will bring him back.

So much for my peace of mind.  Overall though I am doing much better.  I still miss him terribly but can function much better.

Sandy

[susanbruce]

Sandy,

I lost the love of my life exactly 2 years ago today. 48 years old and a widow. Who would have thunk, ya know? I was in a pretty bad way for the first months, on a few different kinds of anti-depressants, I shut myself off from everyone but my daughter. My apathy even spilled over to my job. I just didn't care to go on living.

Then about 3 months ago I just told Bruce I had to let him go if I was going to survive.  I felt exactly as you did - calm, peaceful - like a huge weight had been lifted from me.

I will always love him, I talk to him all the time, he gives me little signs that he's around watching over us. Knowing that one day we will be together again in Heaven is what sustains me. Literally it sustains me, otherwise I don't think I could cope with everyday life.

My boss who is also a good friend gave me this saying several months ago - I'd like to share it with you - I think it's beautiful.  My job has me communicating with people all over the world and I have had people from as far away as China tell me how it touched their hearts.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts .... and we are never ever the same.

Beautiful.

God Bless -

Susan Wheeler

 

 

[rodless]

Susan, I can so identify with what you said. This winter I wallowed in apathy and depression. My job was sliding downhill big time because I didn't care about anything. Like you, I have decided that I don't want to live my life like this anymore. Rod's birthday was 4/7 and that day I sat out at his grave and basically told him he would always be a major part of me but I had to let go and get on with it. So I'm trying!! and most days things go much better for me. We all have to do that when the time is right I guess. It will be 2 years on 7/7 for me. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

For me I think it's different in a way...I feel I can keep trying to live my life with Ishaq as a part of it, just in a different form.  I don't have a need to let him go in any way.  He still visits me in dreams; I feel his presence.  Whatever happens in my future, he'll be with me in it.  I am still learning from him and being guided by him.  I expect I'll feel him strongly this weekend when I am visiting his whole family and celebrating the upcoming arrival of his first granddaughter.  

Each of us has individual ways of coping, and of living our lives.  Whatever works for each of us is the best thing...my way is very different from others, but it's what works for me.

Blessings,

Anna

[susanbruce]

Now that I'm starting my 3rd year it's got me thinking. People have pretty much gone away. I guess they think I should be ok by now. The ones that do talk about it just tell me how blessed I am, that there are so many people that love me.  I have to now figure out how a new way to live my life.  That's pretty hard to do in our situations.

Everything before was US, now it's just ME.  

I don't want people to forget my husband. I think about him constantly and I like to bring his name up in conversation.  People don't like that and I hate that. I am trying to keep him alive in my heart - let me talk about him, take a few seconds out of your busy day to listen to me and say a few words. One day you might be in my shoes and then you'll understand.

This whole thing sucks. I hate it. I'm thinking, my luck, I'll probably live to be 100.

Susan

 

 

[gone4evr]

I'm in a dilemma.  As you probably read a little earlier, I got my husband's medical records from the clinic he went to.  There was an EKG that was done in 1999 (he was 34 years old) it showed Right atrial enlargement and an old inferior wall myocardial infarct.  His blood pressure was 212/114, he was put on a blood pressure medication that bottomed his pressure out (60/40).  They called it white coat syndrome, however he also had his cholesterol level which was 330 and the LDL, HDL and Triglycerides were all significantly abnormal.  His family history, which was significant for cardiac problems was well documented.  From the looks of the chart, he was never told about the silent heart attack that he had before the age of 34.  He was not told about the right atrial enlargement, he was never referred to a cardiologist.  Each time he was put on blood pressure medications he responded the same way, his blood pressure would bottom out and I kid you not he would pass out or feel like he was going to pass out.  If my husband had been told he had a heart attack he would have seen a cardiologist, just because of his family history and his fear of having a heart attack.  As a nurse, this is sending me a lot of red flags.  Based upon what I see, if he would have been referred to a cardiologist and treated properly he would be alive today.    I don't know if I'm being an emotional widow or is my nursing instinct kicking in and we are looking at a serious case of malpractice/negligence.  When I confronted the physician assistant regarding this her comment to me was "Oh, it must have been an oversight, I'm sorry."  What are your thoughts?

Sandy

[gone4evr]

My 18 year old cat died Thursday night.  I knew this was inevitable, he had cancer and we had been planning on putting him down the week my husband died.  I found him laying up against the door to my bedroom.  It looks as if he were looking for me, one last time, but died before getting to me.  I got that cat as a kitten, I bottle fed him and his sister, she died a few years ago.  He has been through so much with me, even more than my husband did.  He and his sister were my children until my son was born.  They went everywhere I went!  I am grateful that my son did not find him.  He didn't take it very well when I told him the cat had died.  My son still worries that he is going to die too or that I am going to die.  No matter how much I reassure him, death seems to follow us.

I sure will be glad when 2008 is over with!  I think this has been the worst year of my life.  It seems like every time I turn around the corner there is something more waiting for me.  I am devistated over the fact that my husband's death could have been prevented.  That my husband would be alive if the physician assistant had just done her job.  Yet at the same time, I also know how busy they are and that an oversight can happen, the medical community isn't perfect.  It just floors me that so many doctors overlooked that EKG and his family history.  At the same time it scares me to death, since I am working towards becoming a nurse practitioner.  I could be that negligent health care provider.  Although, I have to admit, I will likely just use it for a stronger knowledge base and then teach. 

It will have been 16 weeks this coming Monday.  How time has flown by.  The pain, is still present, some days it is not too bad, other days I can't get my mind off of him.   I still cry myself to sleep sometimes.  Friends keep telling me that it will get better and eventually I may move on and meet someone new.  I can't imagine that day ever coming!  I can't imagine replacing my husband in my heart.  The thought of re-marrying has absolutely no appeal, ever.  Dating again is an absolutely scary thought.   I didn't date much before my husband, I was too busy.  I met my husband over a cup of coffee in a party store.  I had been caring for his father in the ICU and he recognized me.  He bought my coffee that morning.  We became inseparable after that.  I wasn't even looking for someone.  I can't imagine ever going through that again.  I can't imagine being able to love someone as much as I love him.  I can't imagine replacing my son's father.  My plan is to just pour everything I have into my son, my studies and my career.  There is no room for anything else or anyone else.  Everyone keeps telling me that in a couple years things will change.  I don't think so.  I'm too stubborn. 

I'm just feeling nostalgic today. 

Sandy