New to loss

[gone4evr]

Hi,

     I don't know where to begin this.  I lost my husband of 8 years, four weeks ago to a massive heart attack.  (We had been together over 9 years before that).  He was playing basketball and collapsed.  They were never able to revive him.  I'll never forget that phone call and listening as they performed CPR and defibrillated him.  We had absolutely no warning, no symptoms, nothing.  He was healthy, or so we thought.  I know I'll never know why this happened but it just seems so senseless.  I just feel so empty and lost.  I'm trying to be strong for our child and for my family.  Some days are easier than others, today is a horrible day.  I just miss him terribly.  Our 5 year old is doing very well, almost too well.  A part of me worries that he won't even remember his father, because he is so young.  I have pictures around and we try to talk about my husband quite a bit. 

     I have returned to work part time.  I'm working on my master's degree (which I started one week before he died).  I know he would want me to finish but it's just so difficult focusing my attention.  It's really a struggle.  How do I move on?  How do I make sense of our lives without my husband?  When will this pain start easing up?  How do I keep my husband's memories alive for our child?

[rodless]

gone4evr, I'm sorry you had to find this board. Your loss is so recent that the pain is devastating. It does get better but I know that's hard to believe right now. Having your whole life change instantly will take lots of adjustments and unfortunately a lot of time. Everyone has their own timetable and there are no certain answers about how long. I am older and my kids are grown but there are others on here who have faced raising children after losing husbands or partners. I hope they will be able to help you. Stay with us. Read back posts and know that others here care. Mary Jo

[qubert]

Gone4ever,

 I loss my husband the same way 6 weeks ago yesterday. All I can say is come here and write what ever you are feeling. For me I read daily and started a journal. At 4 weeks I could not do anything. It is hard to focus so if you don't have to then don't. Now I only do what I can I was married for 21 years on Dec 26 2007 and he died 3 day later. I feel your pain and with little ones I am sure it is hard for you. Just hold on and come here to let it out. I do and it helps me make it one more day. My attorney called and said out court date is Feb 14th at 9:30 I said what kind of a joke is that. Well I hope the Judge is ready to deal with alot of crying on my part!!!! We for all people here on this site know what you are feeling I am so sorry for your loss and may God Bless and keep you safe,

Susan

[gone4evr]

My family doesn't understand.  My father thinks I should just move on and be strong for our five year old.  At the funeral, my father leaned over and told me to remember my wedding vows.  "Until death do you part".  He said it was time to move on with my life.  To start over.  My mother and father have been very supportive but I don't think they understand.  My father is ex military, he said they were allowed to grieve a few minutes then they had to move on.  Well, this isn't the military and my husband wasn't killed in service.  We had no clue this was going to happen, it just did.  How do you pick up the pieces when they all seem lost in the wind?  I wouldn't even know how to begin.  I just think it's an accomplishment to be able to get out of bed in the morning and get both my son off to school and me off to work.  My mother is a little more understanding but even she says it's time to move on, for my child, that my husband would not want us to grieve this long, that he would want me to move on.  I just want to be able to grieve.  I never had that chance.  I have been told how to feel since day one.  I had to be strong for everyone else.  My house was full of people for the first two weeks after he died.  There was a constant stream of family and friends.  My aunt and uncle took us for lunch, they parked themself in my livingroom and kept telling me it was going to get easier.  I understand they all meant well, but come on, they never visited before when he was alive, why now?  Do they really think that they can impart this supreme knowledge about grieving when they themselves have not lost a spouse? 

Even my husband's parents are the same, they never cared before and now that my husband is gone they can't leave us alone.  Now they want to make ammends.  If my husband was alive things would be the same, they wouldn't give me the time of day and would be backstabbing us left and right.   I'm sorry for their loss, but they made their choices over the years.  I know they didn't like me, because they couldn't control our life, that what they said did not matter to us.  I know the things they said about me all those years, what they said about us.  I realize that they lost too but I'm not going to change and just let them run my life.  When my mother in law said I have lost my son, but I have a daughter and you are my daughter, at the funeral.  I have a mom, I don't need another one.  I can't just forgive everything they did and let bygones be bygones.  Some of the things they did were hurtful!  I just want to be left alone.  Why do I have to be the one to give all the time?  Why do I have to forgive them for what they did to us over the years?  I think they should have to live with their guilt.  They created it.  I harbor no grievances, I just want to be left alone by them.  They'll see their grandson, on my terms.  Sorry to vent.

I'm glad to see that my brain isn't suppose to function right now.  At least it explains to me why I can't remember what I studied yesterday.  I'm glad I found this place.  Susan-  is there any way they can change that court date?  You might ask the attorney, tell him you're not ready.  Mary Jo,  Thank you.

Sandy

[qubert]

Sandy,

Wow I understand about the family thing. The day after my husbands funeral I ask every one to go home. My best friend stayed for 3 weeks she held me when I cried, we would sit in the quite together and just be.... My husbands sisters are great but somewhat controlling. It has only been a few weeks for god sake.... You don't have to move on... feel what you are feeling and only you will know how much you are able to do. One day at a time!!!!! I have to take this court date the next one is several weeks away. My friend called and is coming back to be with me. Take care of yourself and your children that is all that matters right now.....

Susan

[misshimstill]

Sandy,  I see some of myself in your story.  I, too, had parents who believed the best way to deal with loss was just to "go on with life".  Many people told me that I was young and had the rest of my life ahead of me, and I shouldn't waste time on grief.  Here's my perspective now:  I loved my husband.  My vows may have been "until death", but your heart takes a while to catch up with reality.  He may be gone, but he's in your heart forever.  You can't hurry that process along, not for anybody.  You need to be free to take your time and grieve in your own way and in your own time.  I had a counselor tell me one time, "Whatever you're doing to make the yearning continue, stop doing that."  Whatever I was doing?  You don't do anything.  Yearning is a natural response to a relationship cut off prematurely and unexpectedly.  So let them say what they want to say and then do what you want to do.  You're not on anyone's time schedule but your own.  You don't have to do anything except what you want to do.  This is your deal.  No one can bring him back to you, so no one should tell you how to grieve or when you should stop grieving.  It's your business how it's done.  Hope this helps.  ~Oneta  

[rodless]

Sandy, 4 weeks and you're supposed to get on with it??? I don't think so!!! Take your time and listen to your heart not other people. Stay with us. Mary Jo

[gone4evr]

Don't you just wish the timing were better?  I live a constant reminder right now of my loss.  My husband died 4 weeks ago, my birthday was two weeks later and then came our anniversary this week and then Valentines.  I just start thinking I'm getting my emotions under control and I receive the deed to our cemetary plots on my birthday.  I keep wondering what is going to hit next.  I just want off this rollercoaster of emotions.  The emptiness is so crippling.  We were suppose to go away this weekend to celebrate our 8th anniversary.  Instead, I spent my weekend studying and crying.  I would at least like my brain back!!!  I can't tell you what I studied over the weekend.  To be honest I can't remember a single word I read or even listened to.  My friend, who is a nun, told me to just be gentle with myself.  How???  I'm sitting on deadlines and I don't have a brain!  It's just a foggy mess.  I just feel like God is punishing me, either that or throwing one major wrench into my life.  Am I suppose to do this??  Maybe I'm not suppose to do this.  Obviously, my husband wasn't part of my destiny, he'd still be here.   Maybe I'm not suppose to get my master's degree.     I'm just frustrated by life right now and God isn't helping me out.  In fact, I think I must have really upset him along the way and this is his way of punishing me.

[rodless]

Sandy, I don't believe you're being punished for anything but it's a normal reaction to loss. You have a lot on your plate so do what you have to and let the rest slide. I can't imagine studying under these circumstances. Can you get a deferment for a semester? Lean on people who understand and ignore the rest of them for awhile if you can. MJ

[armaiti]

Sandy, my spiritual teacher told me that for one whole year, for one whole walk around the sun, I should try to not make any big changes in my life, and be gentle with myself.  In some Native American traditions, the grieving period is seven years.  You need to do what is right for YOU, not for anyone else.  And as for the "death do us part" part, I still feel bonded to my partner, Ishaq, even now after a year and a half.  I still see him in dreams and I know he is with me and his love for me is forever, as mine is for him. 

I think there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, only YOUR way.  I'm lucky in the fact that Ishaq's family is very supportive of me and my beliefs, since they also have mystical/spiritual beliefs.  (My Ishaq was a Sufi Sheikh, and I too follow the path of Sufism as well as Earth spirituality/native traditions)  In these traditions we learn that the body is only a cloak the soul wears and when we shed that cloak we continue in a different form, in a different world.  I believe I'll be with Ishaq again, and I know he is with me and part of me always.  I don't need to move on and forget him. I kept Ishaq's clothes in the closet for one full year, and I still own everything of his except for the things I have given to friends and family.  I still send out cards with his picture on them, and on the anniversary of his passing, we gather together to honor him and remember him. 

This is so early for you.  There is no way that you could possibley "move on" at this point!  Take as much time as you need and do what is right for you.  Come back here often, we are all here for you!

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[misshimstill]

Sandy,  I had a whole thing written out and lost it when I tried to post it.  I'll try to remember what I wrote.  What you're feeling right now, as others are telling you, is just your body's natural reaction to the loss you've experienced.  You're still in shock.  All the scrambled thinking, roller coaster emotions, lack of concentration, etc. are all normal reactions to what you've been through.  With time you will begin to feel like yourself again, but until that happens you should do what your nun friend said and be very, very gentle with yourself.  You are not being punished.  You are in shock.  You miss your husband.  Don't do anything you don't have to do.  Don't go anywhere you don't want to go if you don't have to.  Don't be around people you don't want to be around.  Cry.  Take a hot bath or shower.  Write in a journal.  Get your feelings out the best way you can.  Don't berate yourself. 

As for school, this may not be a good time to try to put something like that on yourself.  I did the same thing after my husband died.  I felt the financial pressure to go back to school so I could finish my degree, but within two weeks found myself flunking every course I was taking.  I couldn't concentrate.  It was just too much pressure.  I had to give it up for the time being.  That is one of the ways you can be gentle on yourself is to not try to do more than you're capable of handling right now. 

You're not on anyone's schedule or time table.  Take your time here and grieve in your own way.  I'm praying for you.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Tomorrow is our anniversary.  Any suggestions on surviving yet another sad day?   I remember our wedding day, like it was yesterday.  We didn't have a big wedding just immediate family.  Neither one of us liked a big showy deal.  We just threw it together in one week.  I don't know why we decided it was time, but we did.  We had been dating many years and living together for about 6 months.  One day he just said it's now or never and I said ok.  It's just so hard to believe that is all over with and just as quickly as it all started.  He is no more, only in my heart.  I can't feel his strong arms around me and when the days are hard, he's not there to comfort me anymore.  I feel like I can't breathe- that all the air has been sucked out of the room.   I have our child, which gives me so much joy and sadness.  He no longer has his father and he's only five years old.  I've been spending as much time as I can with him and I'm ever so grateful to my parents for helping me out with him.  I'm just dreading tomorrow and then Valentines Day and each holiday thereafter.  How do I celebrate our marriage instead of grieve for what I have lost?  I've been burning a candle every night since he is gone.  I don't know if anyone has noticed the significance of it.  I just really really miss him.

[misshimstill]

Gone4ever,  Our anniversary is something that has been a real problem for me these last few years.  I have wanted to celebrate it, but how do I celebrate it alone?  I've had that "can't breathe" feeling just as you describe.  I have a daughter who has never known her father - never even saw him one time - he never saw her.  That has been a huge source of pain for me. 

I had seen a woman a few times for counseling.  One day my appointment just happened to fall on my wedding anniversary, so I naturally talked to her about it.  I had never celebrated it before that time since his death.  It had never even occurred to me to celebrate it alone.  She said I should do something that would be special to me - or to the two of us if he were still alive.  She suggested a few things such as burning a candle and some other things I can't even remember.  I know of a lot of women who burn candles.  I burned a candle all day long on Christmas Eve this year so that as I did cooking and "Christmassy" things, I could feel him near me.  On the day of his death, I burned a candle near my desk where I work.  So that is a comforting thing that I do.  But I wanted to do something a little different for our anniversary - something more than just burning a candle.  I had the thought that we had loved to go to dances when we were in college, which was where we had met.  I loved to slow dance with him.  I loved to feel him close to me like that - with his arms around me holding me close, my head on his shoulder and my arms around his neck.  Sometimes at home after we were married we would slow dance.  It was a very special memory to me.  I had a couple of slow dance songs that I liked to listen to, so I came home from the session with my counselor, lit a candle, put on the CD and danced with a pillow because I could hug it close to my heart.  The dance didn't take very long, but it was very special to me.  I did it again last year and will do it again this year probably. 

For Valentine's Day this year, I have done something you may think is really weird, but it gives me comfort, and I've learned in grief that what gives you comfort, no matter how weird it is, you should do.  I send myself Valentine e-cards from him. 

He will forever live in your heart.  Even though he is not here with you physically, he'll always be there.  I know that is small comfort. 

You take each of the other holidays as they come, just as you take each day as it comes.  You can't think beyond that.  Don't even try.  Just breathe.  Then take the next breath.  Sometimes that's how we get along.

I hope this helps some.  ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Oneta, I think the Valentine's card idea is a great one.  Ishaq left me a little money and when I bought myself a birthday or Christmas present I would always consider it was his present to me - and it wasn't far off, since he hated shopping and always had me tell him what I wanted and then he'd go buy it!

Our 12 year anniversary is on Monday, February 18th.  I'm going to try and meet a friend for lunch, but I will probably just do my own ceremony, and honor the memory of that night twelve years ago when we first kissed and became a couple from that moment on....

Blessings,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Anna, I appreciate you saying that.  It sounds really strange to me, but it also makes me feel good, so I guess it's maybe a good thing to do.  Whatever feels good. Right? 

On the anniversary thing and holidays, people just have to do whatever comforts them and promotes healing.  A wedding anniversary or anniversary of first meeting, first date, first kiss, etc. is a very personal thing - just between the two people.  There are special things that each couple does that is wonderful for them.  To commemorate those times we just need to do whatever helps us remember them and acknowledge that time we had together.  Until two years ago, it had just never dawned on me to do anything.  Don't know why.  I'll probably do it for the rest of my life now.  ~Oneta

[pamhadfred]

Dear Gone4ever,     I too lost my Jim to a massive heart attack.  It happened at home.  I tried to revive him but he didn't make it.  We all know the pain you are going through and I'm so sorry you had to find this page but like myself, I'm glad you did.  Please stand up to the people that tell you to move on!  You don't have to do anything .  Just be.      Feb.  13 will be 6mos. since Jim died and then my birthday is  Valentines Day.  My emotions have been really bad lately because of this and the only thing I can do is take it.  I miss feeling his arms around me  and looking at him while he's sleeping, just everythimg.  The people here are very caring and helpful,  please keep coming back.  Take Care, Pam

[gone4evr]

Pam,

     Does it honestly get easier?  I do ok during the daytime while I'm at work.  I only work 3 days a week right now and then I study the remaining four.  I'm working on my Nurse Practitioner.  I really struggle with my studies, right now.  I'm barely keeping my head above water with my grades.  I have to carry a certain GPA and to be honest, I bet I'm going to just make it this term.   I know it is pretty close and taking everything inside of me to just hang in there for four more weeks.   I'm thinking about taking a term off, just so I can focus a little more time on these two foundation courses to be sure I really have it down pat.   Right now, I find it very difficult to focus my attention for any longer than 20 minutes at a time on anything.   When my son is home, he is my focus but after bedtime it becomes really hard.  It's almost like the floodgates open and I can't stop crying.  Nights are real lonely. 

     On top of trying to keep my head above water with my studies, my inlaws only compound problems.  Talking to his parents really makes it harder.  They never had much to do with me before this happened and now they are desperately trying to make it up to me.  They overwhelm me at times.  I feel suffocated.  Tonight when they called me, his mother said when they get back home she'll spend more time with the two of us.   They never as much as looked in my direction while their son was alive.  Now they want to just walk into MY life.  She refers to herself as "mom and dad" now.  I never knew them as that, I knew them by their first name or Mr & Mrs.  I have parents!  I don't suddenly need another set.  I know my mother in law is hurting, I feel for her pain.   But she can't replace her son with me.  I didn't like the amount of control they had over their son while we were married, now the only thing I see is they want to control my life and my son's.  They have to understand that I have to move on, they have to move on.  My husband, their son is not coming back.  I am now both mother and father.  I have no intention of keeping their grandson from them but I am going to lay down some rules and they are going to have to follow them. 

     Can someone give me insight.  How do I pull my life together just enough to keep my head above water??  I just want some normalsy in my life.  I don't want to kick my husband's family out of my life but at the same time I don't want them perched on my doorstep or crying to me over the phone or trying to control my life.  My parents are very supportive and are really trying to help me in everyway they can think of so that I can focus on my son, my studies and my job.  My husband's family are really dragging me down.  Help.

[misshimstill]

Gone4ever,

I can promise you that it does get better.  But you're right at the beginning of your loss.  You're in a tremendous amount of pain.  It's probably going to be a while before it gets much better for you.  Until then, you have to do whatever you have to do to keep your head above water and take care of your son.  I want to comment on two things.

Your school work:  I tried to go to school after my husband died.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't concentrate at all.  I went from being on the dean's honor roll when I was first in school when I met my husband to nearly flunking out after he died.  Your body and emotions can only take so much stress.  Your first priority right now is to yourself and to your son.

Your in-laws:  You have to make very firm boundaries and make them stick to them.  You're right that you can't take their son's place.  I went too far with boundaries, probably, and ended up completely cutting them off.  I didn't intend to, but it just happened.  I was confused and young and I didn't know what to do.  Decide what you want from your in-laws in relation to your son and let them know what those boundaries are.  Keep communication open.  During this time when the loss is fresh, it would be very easy to drift apart, which probably would not be what you would want in the longrun for your son.

I hope this helps.  I've been where you are now and made my share of mistakes.  I suppose we all do.  If this sounds like good advice to you, then take it.  If it doesn't, then don't pay any attention to it.  Blessings to you.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Thank you Oneta.

    I am going to finish this term out.  I have to, I have a lot of money invested.  Unfortunately I'm not doing as well as I would like.  It is a struggle every day to focus.  I'm going to take some time off from my studies and then switch my major completely from Nurse Practitioner to an educator.  Not that one is easier than the other, just that as an educator I would be on a closer schedule to my child's schedule.  I'd have the summers off and holidays off.  I would have loved being a Nurse Practitioner, but that was when my husband was alive.  I always had back up.  Our plan was for my husband to work from home, to be available and I was going to focus more on my career.  Now, I need to be available to my child. As an educator, I could potentially work from home or my schedule would be pretty close to my child's.  I don't feel the need to tear apart the world any more.  I now have to be both mom and dad.  My child is my priority, my career is just a way of making a good living.  It might be nice having summers and holidays off.  Maybe we'll do some traveling in the future who knows.  I know I have to learn how to fish, since that was one of my husband's loves and he wanted to share that with his son. 

     This last week was absolutely miserable.  First off Monday marked 4 weeks, Tuesday was our anniversary, Thursday was Valentines day and the one month mark.  My birthday was two weeks ago and that was a total disaster since I received the deeds to our cemetary plot on my birthday.  What wonderful timing!  It's just been a rough month.  Although I see a few hard days coming, I also see it getting a little easier at times.  One thing that bugs me though is I use to dream about him all the time.  Since he died I haven't had a single one.  I think about him constantly but I don't see him in my dreams.  I hear about people seeing their loved one, smelling their loved one's cologne or perfume, hearing their footsteps, or hearing their voice.  I wish I would experience that.  It would give me so much comfort knowing he was with us and he was ok. 

     I saw my grandmother when she died, in my dreams.  In fact she came to me when she died.  I woke right up and called my mother who was staying with grandma and told her grandma was dead.  She and my aunt couldn't believe that I knew since it had just happened and they had not called anyone yet.  Why do I not have that connection with my husband.  The only time I had that was initially and I chalked that up to the fact that I was listening as they were working on him and as a nurse I knew what was going on and I knew it wasn't good.  I didn't feel him slipping away.  I don't feel his presence.     

 

[rodless]

gone4ever,

I think it takes awhile to feel you loved one around you. Once you are through the initial shock and can relax a little, it will probably happen. I don't smell cologne or anything but sometimes I have this warm feeling like I just got a big hug. I really don't know how to describe it. But it was a few months before that started happening. I rarely dream about Rod but sometimes I can hear his voice making a comment (usually when I'm not listening for it) kind of out of the blue. I know we're still connected and always will be no matter what happens to me.

It sounds like even though you're under a lot of stress, you're thinking clearly and making good decisions.

Mary Jo

[misshimstill]

gone4evr,

I sounds like you know what you need to do as far as school is concerned.  Taking a break like you mentioned might be good just to give your emotions a chance to rebound.  You've been through a lot.

I used to never feel my husband's presence or dream about him.  Now I dream about him occasionally and feel his presence some.  There've been a few times I've felt pressure on the bed - like someone sitting on it - but I don't look.  It's a little scary.  I've never smelled anything or felt a touch or heard a voice or felt a hug or anything like that.  It's all as individual as the person who died.  Give it time.  I think you'll sense something someday soon.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Thank you both.

 My inlaws are back at it again!  This time it's several huge toys.  A large motorized tractor for kids and several other items.  This has to stop!  I know they are grieving but enough is enough.  I know they feel guilty for the way they treated us, but buying things is not going to make up for that.  Everytime the UPS guy comes to the door my son thinks it's something for him, a new toy from his grandparents.  Fortunately my son wasn't here when it arrived so I was able to put it away for now.  I'm terrified what it's going to be like when they come back from Arizona.  They seem to think they are going to perch themselves on my doorstep and be here to help me all the time.  I have all the help I need.  I am very capable of taking care of a small child.  I realize they are his grandparents but they also have to realize my husband and I did not want to raise our child with a lot of materialistic things.  He has a ton of toys, he doesn't need more.  Spoiling a child by buying them toys is not going to replace the feelings he has, he lost his daddy no toy is going to replace that.  What makes me sick is the fact that aunts and uncles that only bought him things at Christmas are now buying him presents all the time.  It's really getting out of control!  I tell them no more and it just gets worse!!  My dad made the comment that unfortunately he thinks that no matter what I say it isn't going to get better and I may have to consider relocating just to get a new life, a life that is my own.  Of course I'm not going to do anything right away, but if it becomes overwhelming I may have to leave the area.  Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with guilt ridden in laws??

[gone4evr]

Another weekend has passed.   I had a talk with the in laws.  I explained that although I appreciate everything they have done for my son.  I just don't have the room for all these toys they are showering on him.  That I would rather they save their money and just plan on coming over and playing with him when they get back, once in a while.   I tried to be tactful.  Oddly enough, the toys were a big deal to my son initially, but then he just went back to his building blocks- something he did with his dad.  I haven't even seen him play with any of the toys that he has received from others.

I'm hoping for another snow day tomorrow, so I can keep plugging away at my coursework.  At the same time, I hope I have work tomorrow- my students are really struggling too.  They have only had class twice in the last six weeks due to weather.

I really miss my husband.  As a nurse, I keep thinking I missed something.  I have played that day over and over in my mind wondering if I just overlooked something.  A friend of my husband's who was there when he collapsed called today to check on me.  We talked.  He said my husband was at rare peak form that day, he played his best game ever.  We talked about how red he would get when he played basketball or did anything physical.  He was complaining of back pain on Saturday after shoveling snow, and then indigestion later that evening.  I just thought it was indigestion since we had Chinese that night.  He belched and said he was fine.  I play these things over and over in my mind.  I know I can't bring him back, but what if I missed the symptoms of a heart attack.  Maybe this actually started on Saturday.  Oddly, he said he feared he was going to die young because of his family history.  I wonder if he was having a premonition.  He curled up on the bed with me on Sunday, because I was sick and he was concerned about my health.  I didn't even ask him how he felt that day.  I was just so oblivious all the time to him.  I was too busy all the time, too busy to notice.  Too busy with two jobs and my own classes.  What the heck was wrong with me.  What kind of a wife was I, not to notice that he wasn't feeling well.  I hate that he is gone.  I miss him terribly.

 

 

 

[susanbruce]

Sandy, my name is Susan. I haven't been to this site in nearly a year.  I remember Mary Jo. It's been nearly 2 years for me now.  I so feel for you ladies that are just starting this awful journey. It's a tough one but you will get thru it.

God is not punishing you.  I thought the same thing.  God does not punish. I do understand if you are upset with HIM, that's perfectly natural. I didn't get upset or mad at GOD because I thought what's the use?  i did yell at him one afternoon though.

Friends and family that have not dealt with the loss of a spouse simply cannot understand what you are going thru. I am dealing with the same issues. I was 48 years old when I lost Bruce, far too young.  People will say things to you that will absolutely blow your mind - most mean well, others well, what can I say!

Take it one day at a time. Don't look to far ahead into the future right now. But remember this - your husband is always with you. Always, Always, Always.

Susan

[qubert]

Susan, Your message hit me this morning. My name is Susan also and my husband's name was Bruce I loss him  7 weeks and 2 days ago to a heart attack at the age of 54 I am now 49. I am holding on taking it one day at a time I was with my husband for 24 years and married for 21 of those.

[gone4evr]

I went to watch my husband's basketball team play tonight.  At first it was hard, but I actually felt connected to my husband for the first time in weeks.  I could almost feel him there in the bleachers with me.  It brought back a flood of memories from earlier years when I use to go watch him play.  He said I made him nervous, so I never went back after that.  I really wish I would have went and took our son to watch him play at least a couple times. 

By the way, has anyone seen my brain?  I seem to have misplaced it.  I still seem to be in a constant fog.

Sandy

 

[gone4evr]

I just received a personal letter attached to this website from someone posing as a widow who is in a foreign country asking for assistance.  I am including this so all of you can see what I received.  I believe this is a hoax.  What frustrates me is that someone can be so cruel to pray on those of us that come to this website for insight and to help us get through a really tough time in our lives.  To those of you who lurk on this website praying on those of us who suffer, you are a disgrace to humanity.  Do not let someone like this play on your emotions.

Sandy  

 

Dear One in Christ,

 

I am Mrs maureen johnson, from Kuwait.I am married to late Mr frank johnson, who worked with Kuwait Embassy in Ivory Coast for Twenty-Six years before he died in the year 2005,after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.

 

We were married for Eighteen years with a duaghter (Lilian)who later died in a motor accident. Before the untimely death of my husband,we were both born again Christians. Since after his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (US$4.8 M )(Four Million,Eight hundred Thousand United States Dollars) in a General Trust Account with a prime bank in Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire. Presently,this money is still with the bank.

 

Recently,Following my ill health, my Doctor told me  that I may not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem.The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a  Christain organization (Church) that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein,according to the desire of my late husband before his death.

 

I want this fund to be used in Christain Activities like,Orphanages, Christain schools, and Churches for propagating  the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God  is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that "Blessed is the hand that giveth". I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision.

 

I am not afraid of death  hence I know  where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always.I don't want them to know about this development.With God all things are possible.

 

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the  contact of the bank in Abidjan. I will also issue you the documents that will prove you the present  beneficiary of this fund.  I want you and the Church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that  Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and

Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your  life.

 

Contact me on this e-mail  address; maureenxxy002@yahoo.fr any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another Church for this same purpose.

 

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I  Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.

 

Yours in Christ,

MRS MAUREEN JOHNSON.

[armaiti]

I'm sorry you received this.  On your Beyond Indigo profile, you can set your account so your email is NOT visible to others.  I've gotten a ton of these spam letters over the years; the best to do is just ignore them.  I even got one from "Taras Bulba" once...(a Mongol character played by Yul Brenner in a 50s movie).  Oh, and once I got one from the Grand Aboo of Bonny Kingdom.  They all are about the same...and yes, I think I received a letter from this person too. 

Also, I understand what you wrote about wondering if you missed something.  I wondered that about my Ishaq too, since he was diabetic, we concentrated on his kidneys, and on keeping his blood sugar level.  No one of his doctors ever seemed concerned about his heart.  But for me, I look back and see that he died swimming and playing in a beautiful river, and if he had lived longer, he may have died in a hospital, in pain, or lingering away.  Even though I miss him terribly, I realize if I had a chance to change it, I wouldn't take his beautiful way of passing from him.  I hope when my time comes I can go as gracefully, somewhere out in nature.  And it sounds like your husband died doing something he loved as well.  Though I know that doesn't make up for his loss.

Blessings,

Anna

[gone4evr]

Anna,

   I felt this incredible connection to my husband last night as I watched his team play.  It brought back memories of watching him play over the years.  His team also presented me with the last basketball that my husband played with autographed by the team.  I think that was pretty special, that they never played with it again.  My son cherishes it, knowing his dad used it the last time he played ball.  I know he died doing something he loved and that helps a lot.  I wouldn't wish it any other way, just like you.  I just feel overly guilty because I am a nurse and I should have caught it or at least I feel like I should have. 

   Last night when I went to sleep, I heard our song in my dreams.  I don't remember anything else about the dream, I just remember it brought him to mind but the dream itself was so vague.  I'm thinking about going to watch his team play again next week, since I did feel so close to him when I was there and it seemed to jog my memories of our earlier years.  I just miss him so much.

Sandy

[fergydm]

I also received this today.  I think this is awful.  It has not even been a week before my loss and these crazy peopel are praying on me already.  This is not what I thought this site was about.  I am looking for support and advice that will help me through this devastating time in my life.  I dont need this "spam" stuff.

This is so upsetting and not helping my situation at all.  Gosh I will I could bring him back and all would be well again.

 

[gone4evr]

It's not the people around here that are doing this.  This is a wonderful website full of caring people.  It's idiots that are just lurking around looking for victims.  People that they can pray upon during a crisis.  I have had to resort to screening all of my phone calls because I get so many calls from inconsiderate people, like lawyers who want to help me settle my husband's estate, or organizations that try to guilt you into donations.  I wish people who don't belong here would just leave us alone.  We are not a research project, we don't need you soliciting or scamming us.  Just let us be.  Let us grieve together.  Let us help one another.  Stay away from us. 

Sandy

[fergydm]

Dear gone4evr:

My fiancee also died of a massive heart attack.  37 years old and perfectly healthy.  He was shoveling snow and then he was gone.  I would not have believed it if i did not see his cold dead body at the hospital.  He was shoveling show his could cash in his bill and by me a valentine.  I feel awful.  I would much rather have him then some valentine.  I jsut went back to work today and it was aweful.  my 4 year old son does not understand.  how do you get through each day?  help.

[gone4evr]

My son is 5.  To be honest it was hard at first.  We just kept emphasizing the fact that those things that he loved about his father, his personality, his funloving personality, his quirky jokes, his laugh- all those things that he loves now lives in our hearts and in our memories.  That his body was just a shell for all those wonderful things about daddy.  My son seems to be doing very well and he often reminds me when he sees me shed a tear, "Mommy, dad is still with us, we just can't see him anymore."  Just like I told him. 

My son has his moments, his little meltdowns as I call them, but I let him work through them.  I am always right there with him, but kids work through things differently, maybe even better than us adults.  My son took the flowers from the funeral and arranged them in the livingroom, then he slept in daddy's shirt, then he spread all of his father's clothes on the floor and laid in them.  He carried his coat around for two days and his wallet.  He works his way through it and when he has worked his way through it without my intervention, he seems to be adapting.  It's very difficult for me to watch him go through these stages but I also know he has to go through it.  We talk openly about his dad all the time and when I think of something funny he and his dad did, I remind him and we laugh.  You cannot protect him from the pain.  You just have to be there to keep him safe when he gets angry, to comfort him when he needs to be held.  Let your child guide you, not the other way around. 

 

[gone4evr]

I don't think people realize how hard it is to lose a spouse until you lose one yourself.  My aunt was here the other day and kept telling me I have to move on, to let go of the grief, it would be worse if I had to watch him suffer.  That I should be lucky he died the way he did.  To stop wasting my life grieving for someone I can't bring back, to accept it and move on.  She had me in tears.  She then said it could have been worse.  How would I feel if it had been my mom or my dad.  She said it would be harder to lose a parent. 

I just couldn't believe the insensitivity.  First off my parents are still alive and in their late 60's early 70's, they have lived a wonderful life and yes it would be difficult.  I would miss them terribly, especially now.  I worry about losing them every day.  But losing a spouse?  There is no comparison.  As sad as this sounds I almost wish he had died of cancer.  Not that I would want to see him suffer, just that I would be able to plan for his death, I would have had the time to say goodbye.  We would have had time to go over the things I needed to do.  I would have known his wishes for me.  My unanswered questions would have been answered.  Instead I am left with this unbearable emptiness and a ton of unanswered questions.  How do you move on?  She doesn't understand that I not only lost my husband, but every single dream we had, every single plan we had, all the trips we had planned to take, the additional children we wanted to have.  I just feel like my whole life has been wiped clean.  I don't even know where to begin.  Tell me it's time to move on?  To what??  I can't think clear enough to retain anything I am studying.  Today I decided to put my plants in the bathroom and steam them in the shower.  I actually left my water running for over 3 hours, left the house for an appointment.  The only reason I remembered it was because this teenager in the store I was in mentioned that he had to go home and take a shower before his date.  I had to call my mom to run over to the house and shut the water off.  Thankfully I didn't have the plug in the tub!  I am numb.  I would give anything to have my brain back.  To function normally, instead of just walking through life.  Fortunately, I have a friend who is going through the same thing.  Her husband died 6 weeks before mine.  She feels the same as I do.

Sandy

 

 

[armaiti]

Sandy, you are right, there is no comparison to losing a partner/spouse/soulmate. Tell your aunt that you will grieve in your own way and she needs to respect that and mind her own business!  You are still so early in this process, you need to have a good long time to feel what you need to feel.

And I don't believe we have to "move on".  That is a load of garbage we've been fed by our American culture.  Our beloveds are still with us, sometimes they come to us in signs and dreams and sometimes they don't, but the first step is to believe that it is possible.  It's been almost 19 months for me.  The beginning is so hard...you can't function, it's true, I'd find myself trying to do something and the next thing I knew I was somewhere else in the house and couldn't figure out why I was there.  I'm lucky that Ishaq's sister and brother-in-law are so close and his family has such a mystical leaning, because it's easy to talk to them about Ishaq.  They are always telling me that I'm doing a good job, processing this all in my own way, and honoring Ishaq at the same time. 

It makes me so mad to hear about people telling someone like you, who is so recent in your loss, that you should move on.  Only YOU know what is right...NO ONE else can tell you how much time you need or what you need to do. 

I don't know if this helps, but it's how I feel.

A close friend of mine said "just take baby steps".  It's all we can do.  It does get easier over time, but right now, the pain is overwhelming. We know.  We've been there.  Ishaq went off on a rafting trip, I kissed him goodbye and I had no idea that was the last time I'd see him alive in his body, here on earth.  I do feel at peace with how he crossed over, since he was laughing in the water and his heart stopped..."died laughing" literally.  I wish we'd had more time, but I am thankful for the time we did have. 

Be gentle with yourself.  If you can, avoid those that don't understand or try to tell you how to grieve.  And remember we are all here for you.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Sandy,

Tell your aunt to take a hike to neverneverland - that's obviously where she belongs!! She either has a bad marriage, absolutely no empathy or lives in a fog. Losing my dad was tough but the pain of losing my husband was not even in the same ballpark. I am SO sorry you are going through this and having people who don't understand talk to you the way she did certainly doesn't help in any way. Stay strong and rely on those who let you decide how you feel..they're the ones you need. There is no time table for grief and it takes much longer than what you've had to process it.

I can't imagine the shock of suddenly losing your world like you did but speaking from the point of view of one who watched her husband die from cancer... that's a very painful process too. Yes, I had time to think about it and say goodbye but watching the continuing struggle and deterioration of the person I loved most in the world was devastating and the end came somewhat as a shock anyway because I always had this hope there would be a miracle.

It doesn't matter how it happened...it happened...and we're all in this together so stay with us!

Mary Jo

[kathy714]

Sandy,i can't believe,that letter,i have been on BI FOR 3 years and i don't remember ever getting anythink like that,but i am going to check my mail to see if i got one too,whats weird is my friend and i was just talking about stuff like that,and when you click on the link you get spyware and viruses.I also think you can report it to someone on this site,take care,kathy

[gone4evr]

Today was really difficult.  I went shopping for the first time with my mom.  It has been quite a while since I have been out.  I had to buy a bed for my son, something my husband and I had planned on doing together.  I felt guilty shopping.  All I kept remembering was his comment to me when he got the life insurance policy when he started at his job "I'm worth more to you dead than I am alive." 

 I just felt so numb.  I had to laugh though, my son had a PJ party here with his cousins and they were jumping on the bed when the bedsprings collapsed.  We decided it was time.  I was fortunate though, I found a sale.  I still feel guilty though, although technically I probably just spent my own paycheck.

It's just so hard, it seems like anywhere I go I run into someone and the hugs and the I'm so sorry starts and then the tears come and won't stop.   Sometimes I feel it would be easier if people just ignored me for a while.

I greatly appreciate all of your advice and reassurance that what I'm feeling is ok and normal.

 

[gone4evr]

Are there any books out there that have really helped any of you go through this process.  I'm not looking for anything overly religious.  Right now that would not be of any comfort to me.  Neither one of us were "religious."  In fact, after living next door to a minister who crammed religion at both of us, it became a turn off.  We actually celebrated when he and his wife moved away!  Sad isn't it.  They were just overwhelming. 

My best friend is half Native American and I really enjoy her company and her way of thinking and her beliefs.  She is more down to earth, her beliefs seem more of an earthy spirituality.  She refers to my husband's death as more of a crossing over rather than, he's dead.  I'd like to read more on that line of thought.  Anna, maybe you could help me here,  I noticed you mentioned earth spirituality/native american.  I am currently reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross, which is helping some.  Any suggestions would be welcome.  I actually am enjoying the book called Life Lesson's by Kubler Ross if anyone is looking for a good book. 

 

[gone4evr]

The irony is I worked as a hospice nurse before this happened.  After my husband died I found it so difficult to go back because I envied those spouses who got the chance to say their goodbye's, to plan with their loved one a future without them, to hear what they wanted for their spouse-- to move on and be happy.  One of my favorite aunts (not the one I was talking about), just found out her husband has cancer- stage 3-4 in the lymph nodes of the neck and tongue, primary site is not found.  We talk regularly and I now find myself envying the opportunities she will have to say goodbye.  But at the same time, my heart bleeds because her pain is right now, while he is alive, watching him suffer.  At least my husband didn't suffer, it was over in a matter of 30 seconds, the time it took for him to collapse to the floor.  I wish I could have taken back that whole weekend and done it all over.  I would have made sure he had his best weekend.  I would have made it a point of spending every moment with him telling him how much I loved him.  I would have went to that game and all the games before that.  She'll get that opportunity to rectify all of their issues.  She may even be able to find peace.  I was blessed because my marriage wasn't as miserable as hers has been.  My husband wasn't abusive like hers is.  I'm sure with time my pain will slowly fade but I have a lot of guilt right now, and a lot of unanswered questions.

Sandy 

[armaiti]

Sandy, I actually didn't read much about loss after Ishaq crossed over...I tried a few of the grief books, but none seemed to fit my situation, because Ishaq wasn't "gone" - he keeps coming to me, he's just in a different form.  Most of my Indian friends just know of this or believe in it because it's an oral tradition, not written down...I asked one of my friends yesterday if he knew of anything written, and he didn't...he said some tribes believe that your loved one crosses the Rainbow Bridge and waits to greet friends and family...some believe that a person can make an agreement to stay to keep watch over friends and family.  That's what it feels like with Ishaq.  Many of us still see him in dreams and/or feel his presence around us.  I think the first step is to believe it is possible, that there is no death, only a change of forms.  By believing this, with your whole self, you open the door to a whole new way of thinking and feeling about death - it no longer becomes "death" but truly a new way of being in the universe.

For me, I am grateful that Ishaq left laughing and happy.  I would not want to see him suffer.  During our years together, he was in a car accident where a women ran a red light and rammed into the van he was driving.  He went through weeks of pain and suffering, but this was only a fraction of what he would have experienced with kidney failure and dialysis.  He was a strong and vital man, who loved the outdoors.  So for the way he passed, I have become very grateful...but that did take time.  I still miss him terribly, and the house seems very empty without him here.  Yet I know he is with me and I'll be with him again, someday when I cross over. 

I don't know if any of this is helpful, or not...I do have my own way of dealing with this, and am lucky that so many of my friends are on the same wavelength as me, and don't think I'm nuts. 

Blessings,

Anna

[misshimstill]

Sandy and everyone,

Everyone has already said all that needs to be said or that counts.  I just want to add my voice to theirs and echo what they've already said to you.

I agree, agree, agree... nothing compares to losing your husband/spouse/partner/soulmate - whatever the name is that they go by.  I told my husband's brother when he chided me for not "moving on" (why is that it's often our family or our spouses's family who should know better who always says these stupid things???), I had lost both parents, a sibling and a husband and there was NO PAIN I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED like losing my husband!!!  I can't emphasize that enough!  No pain!!!  I agree with Anna that you don't have to "move on"... whatever that is...  I don't know who the lamebrain is who came up with those two words, but I wish they could be banished from our culture's thinking.  I heard Gloria Vanderbilt, whose son committed suicide, say that  for her "there was no such thing as closure" and never would be.  I agree with that.

Sandy, I understand so much the feeling of unsaid things and unmet dreams.  I was pregnant with our first baby.  My husband never got to see her.  He never even got to know for sure we were having her.  He didn't get to raise her.  Our lives were cut short so suddenly and unexpectedly. 

People told me after he died that when they saw me, I was in a fetal position, lying on the couch at my parent's home.  I don't remember any of that.  I don't remember a lot of things.  Our brains can only take so much trauma and then they shut down.  That's why you forget things like faucets left on or hyperventillate in a store or a million other stories I've heard.  I wish people could take a "caring" pill or a "smart" pill and understand what we need or at least not say things we don't need to hear, but that's not gonna happen.  Keep coming here and vent with us.  I hope it will help you to know WE understand.  ~Oneta

[dawnie]

Hi sandy

Thankyou so much for your message it realy helps to know that people care. i know i havent posted for a while i havent been feeling the best and every day brings different emotions i just got to take one day at a time. hope you are ok take care talk to you soon

love dawnie x

[misshimstill]

Dawnie,

I'm really sorry to hear you've been having such a rough time.  I know that you're going through the hardest time right now of your life.  I hope it can be made a little easier by coming here to be supported by us here on BI.  We care about you and want to help you as much as we can.  Please keep coming back.  Blessings, ~Oneta

[misshimstill]

Sandy,

I was just re-reading your post about your regrets over your last weekend with your husband.  I've spent many hours thinking about my last three days with my husband and wishing we could have had time to talk things over, iron things out, ask him what he would want me to do about certain things, etc.  I've been told by a number of wise people that it really doesn't serve any good purpose to think about those things.  I'm sure my husband doesn't hold any of the things against me that I worry about.  I'm sure yours doesn't either. 

I recently had a good friend whose wife died (just last week).  She had been sick for five years with a very rare form of cancer.  She never came to a point of accepting her death.  They never got to talk about those things that he would have liked to talk about, and their kids never really got to say goodbye to their mother.  I'm just saying this because just because a couple/family has what would be thought of as a long time to say goodbye doesn't mean it will happen that way.  And also try not to spend a lot of time regretting things that can't be changed.  I understand it because I've done it, but it hasn't helped my grieving; it has only added guilt to the grief, which has only served to complicate the grief.  I'm not trying to lecture you... only help you with some things I've had to learn the hard way.

I hope you have a peaceful day.  Blessings, ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Thank you all.  These last few weeks I have felt this incredible guilt and regret.  I know I can't change what happened or didn't happen.  Boy if I could believe you me, he would be here alive and well, I would have taken him to the ER on Saturday when he complained of indigestion!  It just seems so unreal, like I'm in this horrible nightmare and any time I will wake up and it will be all over with and he'll be sitting here in the livingroom. I have moments where I literally can't breathe the reality hits so hard.  Then I have moments of incredible anger to the point of a meltdown.  At 2:00 am, I just couldn't take it any longer.  I was mad at God, mad at my husband for leaving, mad at the world in general.  My poor mother heard it all, she sat here while I just sobbed and vented my anger.  Sleep has become difficult once again.  I cry myself to sleep every single night and often wake up three or four times and cry some more.  My appetite is almost nonexistant.   I eat because I know I have to, because I have a small child that depends on me.  I know he worries about losing me too.  Everything is just so overwhelming right now.

Sandy

[robinf]

Kelly I lost my husband 2 months ago the same way.  If you would like to read our story - look up the topic "Bum".

I know how you feel.  I feel the same.  Right now I am having a really bad day.  I miss Jon so much and I am so sad.

Please write and let me know how you are doing.

 

[misshimstill]

Sandy,

Believe me, I know all about that guilt and regret -- why I didn't do this, why I didn't do that.  The day my husband died, he was in terrible pain all day long from what is called a "dissection" of the aortic valve.  It ruptured that afternoon.  (That was a Saturday afternoon, too.)  I have felt bad for 30 years that I waited for him to die and didn't take him to the ER.  None of the scenerios I work out in my mind will ever happen.  I've had nurses tell me if I had taken him to the ER it wouldn't have changed the outcome.  I don't know if that's true for your husband, but you know what they say about hindsight. 

I feel so bad for you that you are under such guilt.  Try to let go of that because it will eat you alive. 

As far as the anger -- that's (as bad as this may sound) "normal".  All that you're feeling is normal.  I didn't have anyone around when it happened to me to tell me anything I was feeling was "normal".  I hope it helps some for you to know that it is.  I'm glad you have your mother to "yell at".  I'm sure she understands that you just need to let off steam.  I/We all know that feeling of it being so surreal -- like it's some kind of nightmare you're going to wake up from -- but it's not a nightmare -- it's real!  So scream, cry, yell, do whatever you have to do because it needs to come out.  Get help for the insomnia if you have to.  You can go a little while without sleep, but not for long.  You have children or a child to think of, and you need to have sleep to do that.  It's okay to get help.  I understand about the lack of appetite, too. 

Keep coming here.  Vent.  Tell us how you're feeling.  Hope you get some sleep tonight.  ~Oneta

[susanbruce]

Oneta,

My name is Susan. I lost my husband on April 21, 2006 to a sudden heart attack. He had not been feeling well for a few hours at work, nauseated, sweating like crazy and in pain.  He couldn't get enough to drink either.  I happened to call him and his voice told me right away something was seriously wrong. As soon as he heard the alarm in my voice, his voice went back to normal and he kept telling me he would be all right.  I was telling him to go and get one of the girls in the office to check on him. The last words we said to each other were ' I love you '.  20 minutes later he died in his truck on the way to the hospital.

I was 48 then. We had been married 26.5 years then. I still consider us married even though the State of Texas doesn't.  I am so afraid that I will live without him than I did with him.  You've done that - how do you get thru it?

I am much better than I have been.   His name is Bruce.  I recently told him that I had to let him go, otherwise I wouldn't be able to survive.  I always would get mad at people when they told me that I had to do this.  But after I said it to him, it was like this huge thing came out of my heart.  None of my feelings for him have changed a bit but my personal and professional life was taking a severe nose dive.

I see my parents who are retired and with each other daily. I told my Mom recently that I envied her. She didn't understand.  I had to tell her - I'm never going to have that.  

I keep thinking I'll probably end up being one of those women that lives to be 100. I hope not.  I can't wait to see him again in Heaven.

Susan

 

 

[misshimstill]

Susan,

I understand all the feelings you're having.  I really wish I could tell you something that would be some kind of formula that would work for you, but I don't know what that would be.  I still feel like the way you described yourself, except I'm remarried and I have to "keep up appearances" for my present husband.  He didn't do anything to deserve having a wife who feels more married to her late husband than she does to him. 

To tell you a little bit of background:  My husband died December 23, 1972, a very, very long time ago.  My husband was 25; I was 21.  We had been married for 2-1/2 years.  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  He had had rheumatic fever as a child, undetected, and he had developed an enlarged heart as a result of that.  We were keeping an eye on it.  The day after Thanksgiving at a routine exam, they discovered the heart was getting even bigger.  He was scheduled for a cardiac catheterization on the 20th.  The procedure didn't go right.  He told me that much.  He told me (they don't put people completely out for procedures like this, so he was awake or partially awake and knew a little bit about what was happening) the doctor suddenly got very upset, very angry, and was "cussing" during the procedure.  I have a friend who was a surgical nurse for over 20 years who read his medical report and said he probably suffered a "dissection", meaning a little tear in his heart valve from the surgeon's instruments.  I looked online and that does sound like what happened.  From that day on until he died three days later, he was in a massive amount of pain.  The day he died, he was in pain all day long - a Saturday.  I think you said that Bruce died on a Saturday, as well.  For years and years and years, I carried guilt because I didn't take him straight back to the hospital that Saturday because of all the pain he was having.  I've been told by medical people that it wouldn't have helped, but for some reason that doesn't really help me feel better.

To go on, I didn't really grieve properly for several reasons.  I was pregnant and didn't want to lose the baby.  I was very young and the intense feelings really scared me.  I didn't really have the kind of support back then that we have today with support groups and grief counselors.  I just repressed my grief and tried to go on with life, taking care of the pregnancy (which was the most important thing to me at the time - even more important than my own emotional health) and try to figure out how I was going to take care of myself financially. 

I remarried within a few months to someone both my first husband and I knew previously.  In fact, the day my husband came home from the hospital, as we were talking about things, he said I should marry this person and that he would "take care" of me and the baby.  I had also had a dream that my first husband died, I was pregnant, I remarried before the baby was due and the baby was a girl, all of which happened. 

My mother died about 4-1/2 years ago, which brought up all the repressed grief.  This took me down a road that has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced.  I read in a book by C.S. Lewis that used an expression that fits how I have felt.  He said that if he tried to go back and live his life like he had never known his wife, the grief would surely catch up to him eventually, and the second death would be worse than the first death.  That's me!  That's exactly what it has felt like... like he died twice, and the second time was much worse than the first.  I became so depressed I quit eating and wanted to die.  All I could think about was being with him again.  I didn't care about anything in my life.  I could barely function from day to day.  I went for about 3 weeks not sleeping at all - not even a few hours.  I had terrible migraines.  I was nauseated all the time.  I had chest pains.  I cried continually - night and day.  I thought obsessively about my late husband.  I almost lost my mind or thought I had already lost my mind.  I refused to see a therapist because I was convinced no one would understand why someone would be so devastated over a death that was over 30 years old.  I tried for a time to keep this grief from my present husband, but he would have had to be blind, deaf, dumb and completely stupid to not see something was very wrong!

Eventually, I agreed to see a psychiatrist who prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills, which I took for a while.  I took the sleeping pills for about two years when my regular doctor took me off them.  I was quite addicted to them by that time. 

It has been a very slow road to recovery, but I think I'm making it.  That's why I said some of the things to you about eating and sleeping and venting and talking to anyone who will listen, even if it's only on this board.  You need to know that the things you're feeling are "normal".  Some things you may need help for (like sleeping); other things will most likely take care of themselves with time.  I know it is very frustrating to talk to people like your mother who just don't understand how terrible it feels to be a widow at your age and know you won't have the opportunity to grow old with your husband.  It's something that most people just take for granted, and they can't conceive what it feels like to not be able to do that.  We here on this board understand that feeling.  We understand probably most everything you would want to tell us.  It's good that we have such a place to come as Beyond Indigo and each other to talk to.  It probably keeps us sane and definitely helps us work through our grief.  They say grief is work, and it is.  It's not just something you automatically get through or I wouldn't have repressed mine.  It takes a lot of hard work, but you can do it... with help. 

I hope these things make sense and have helped you.  Please keep coming.  I'm so sorry that you're still having this problem two years after the fact.  I hope telling him you have to "let him go" helps you.  I can remember doing something like that last summer.  I wrote it down in the form of a letter.  I've written a lot of letters.  Writing has been very helpful for me in getting my feelings out.  I really have no one to do that with except the women on this board, but in the beginning I didn't have that, so I wrote.  I guess everyone finds out with trial and error what works for them. 

I will be praying for you.  Keep coming back and keep posting.  I'm glad you have found this place, and I hope you are helped by being here.   Blessings to you.   ~Oneta