New to loss

[grannyc]

Dear ((Susan))

I remember the day the Lord impressed on me that I had to start to Let Go of my Tim.  I couldn't stop crying.  I guess when I finally acknowledged that it was where I was a great weight lifted, also.   It has nothing to do with our feelings for them or our life with them.  Its for our own ability to go on with them in our Hearts.   I still, almost 20 months now, still feel like I am still existing more than living, tho.   There just is no fun in life, no spunk or excitement-Tim was all those things for me for over 37 years.  (The Love of my Life)  I think we pretty much grew up together, we were so young when we met.  He was a beautiful person, that helped me become who I am today (The good qualities anyway!)     And, everyone around- thinks I am all better now, HuH!   Until we were thrown onto this path or into this valley we never had a clue - why should they?    My new thing the last weeks has been to start looking for some green grass in my valley, there has to be some-no matter how little, it may be a lift.

Let's stay together and walk this path side by side, all of us!

Sincerely, GrannyCheryl  :?

[grannyc]

Also,  I wanted to mention here,  the book my Grief Group gave me to read.

It would be especially good in the early months.  I'm really finding it hard to put down, we're not alone.

It is:   I'M GRIEVING AS FAST AS I CAN by Linda Feinberg   Check it out.

Sincerely, Cheryl

[gone4evr]

I'm finally getting a little sleep at night.  I cut back on the caffeine which seems to help.  I still need it to get through the day.  I am also on an antidepressant which keeps my head clear so I can focus at work.  I don't seem to focus so much on all the bad things when I take it.  I still can't get the image of my husband laying on the gurney in the hospital, cold and blue.  My mom keeps telling me that too will fade in time.  She found her brother last year in the basement dead from a heart attack.  She said she couldn't get that image out of her head for the first few months but it gradually faded.  I hope it does.  I remember that day as if it happened yesterday.

I told my mom that my life seems so fake right now.  I put up a good front, most of the time.  I get teary eyed when I talk about him or when I look at his picture (but not always).  I go through the motions of living every day.  I'm starting to make little changes, nothing major.  Things to make life a little more convenient for the two of us, things we needed but went without for years.

My little one is opening up more and talking about how he misses his dad.  I often wonder what is going on in his little head.  He seems to be happy most of the time, although he has been sick a lot  lately with bronchitis.  The other day he was having a little difficulty having a BM and he burst into tears, "it hurts, I don't want to die.  Please mommy, I don't want to die, I want to be with you."  It took a lot to reassure him that he wasn't going to die.  He asks me about how his dad died and if it hurt.  I try to be as honest as possible, explaining that daddy did not suffer and he didn't hurt that it was real sudden and over with.  I reassure him that daddy didn't choose this, that I'm sure he misses us as much as we miss him, but that he was needed in heaven.  I had to laugh when he commented "God probably needed someone to teach him how to fish"  I said, "probably".  I'm sure my dad told him that.

I read one of the messages somewhere, maybe here, that said something about letting our loved one go.  I don't understand. I can't imagine letting him go, ever.  I have absolutely no desire to ever marry again.  I never would have remarried if we had ever divorced.  Why is it so important to someday let him go?  He was a big part of my life.

Sandy

[misshimstill]

Hi, Sandy.  I'm glad you're doing a little better.  Progress is slow for us, but it does happen gradually, over time. 

I can imagine that it's pretty tough for your little guy to understand the whole deal.  Little kids get frightened about something like death because they still think in concrete terms and can't conceptualize something like death.  I'm glad you can reassure him when he becomes frightened about himself dying and that you can make him or help him to understand that he's okay.  It will help him adjust if you can just talk about his daddy in natural ways, remind him of his daddy, etc.  I don't remember exactly how old he is, but I know he's pretty small.  He'll have a hard time remembering his dad since he's so young, but you can help him a lot by looking at pictures and talking about his dad with him.

I hope you'll be able to get the image of your husband lying on the guyney at the hospital out of your head.  I had a really, really hard time with that one.  My husband collapsed in the hallway just outside the bedroom door.  I had a problem for years of continuing to see him walking back to the bedroom to lie down and then collapsing.  They were like flashbacks, I guess, and I just couldn't get them out of my mind.  It has something to do with how our brains react to sudden trauma. 

I understand the "fakey" feeling, too.  I feel that way, also.  It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still do feel that way.  I'm assuming that it will fade, also, with time and some day I'll feel "normal" again.  I'm just not sure what "normal" will be for me.  I know it will never be what "normal" used to be.  I've read that somehow, with time, we settle into a "new normal", and I guess that's true.

I can really understand why you would have some trouble with the concept of letting him go.  I had trouble with that for a very, very long time.  I felt it would be almost wrong to let him go.  I'm still not sure I can explain to you or anyone else why it's important to do that.  It doesn't have anything to do with not loving him anymore.  It doesn't have anything to do with loyalty.  It doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you would ever remarry.  I guess I can tell you more what it's not than what it is.  I have grieved deeply for nearly five years now.  I came to the point that I realized I wasn't functioning in life anymore.  I knew I had people depending on me, people who needed me, and I was useless to them because I was holding on so tightly to this man I had loved so much and still love.  Some say you have to let them go for their sake.  I don't really think I buy that one.  I think you have to let them go for yourself, although like I say, I'm not entirely sure why that is so.  I somehow knew that as long as I continued to hold onto him like I was, with a grip as strong as death itself, it was affecting me in a negative way regarding my outlook on life.  It's not this "moving on" thing you hear so much about.  I personally don't like that term.  I don't think we need to be in such a hurry to move on.  We are in a time now of grief, and grief cannot be hurried.  Letting go, in my mind, has more to do with acceptance of his death and the permanancy of that -- that he's not coming back -- that I must accept the finality of that in my mind and emotions.  He's not just "away on a business trip"; he doesn't live in this space/time continuum that we still live in anymore.  He's not going to walk through the door after work ever again.  He's not going to sit in the evening at home with me and watch TV.  I can't ever sit across a table from him ever again and have a discussion with him.  I have to "release" him from this life that I am still living.  I don't know.  That may not answer anything for you.  I realize it's a very poor attempt to describe or explain this.  I'm still struggling with it myself.

I wish you the best.  I pray for God's peace to be with you today and with your little boy.  ~Oneta

[rodless]

Hi Sandy,

It took me awhile to remember Rod like he really was instead of what he looked like lying the hospital bed the morning he died but gradually I have. That last terrible picture is still in my mind sometimes but I don't dwell on it like I used to. Instead now when I think of him I picture him healthy and doing things like watering the garden or some other common thing.

Your little guy sounds like a sweetheart. It's good he can talk about his dad instead of bottling it up. I don't think we're always aware of how much they absorb. My kids were 4 & 6 when I went through a divorce and now that they are adults I'm amazed at what they do and don't remember. I think the most important thing is to make them feel secure even though they only have one parent.

As for letting go, my own personal experience is that it happens gradually. I'm not completely there yet. Maybe I will never be. But I don't think of Rod every minute of the day like I used to and I smile more than cry when I do. I still have some really bad times but I guess I've learned ways to deal with them and just let them happen.

People tell you this kind of stuff and at first you can't believe you'll ever be better. I hate hearing time will help, but it does. I found that out 25 years ago and I'm sure hoping it will happen again. I'm a week away from the 20 month mark and I'm better than I was last year at this time but I can't imagine life ever feeling quite right again without Rod in it.

Take care of yourself as well as your son!

Mary Jo

 

[grannyc]

Sandy,

I, too, didn't understand the "Letting Go".  But, was so impressed last summer that I would have to eventually.   And, I think the last two posts explained it beautifully--it is unexplainable.  But, the completely accepting it.   REALLY really understanding that it is forever in this life time.   I will never stop loving my Tim.  I still often say "we" when it should be "I".   I still have tuff times where I can get short of breath just thinking, he really is gone from me, its always been "Tim & Cheryl" and now what's with just "Cheryl" existing still NOT living, I'll tell you that!

I, too, am nearing 20 months, next week.   And, I, too, think the Letting Go can happen gradually and maybe, just maybe I smile more now when a wonderful memory comes rather than cry.......But, I surely do still cry.   Just today someone asked me about Tim, etc. and in the middle of a sentence I had to stop to compose myself.    Remarry, HA!  ""Tim was the Love of My Life!!!!!""Why would I go out for a hamburger, when I use to always have steak right here at home with me?""

Prayers and thoughts to you and your wonderful Little One.    Life Is Very Unfair!!!     GrannyCheryl

[misshimstill]

 

Sandy,  I think that Cheryl said it well about letting go.  It really is unexplainable.  It's something we do and something we are always doing, probably for the rest of our lives, like it's a continual thing or something.  As long ago as my husband died (35 years) and being remarried, I still feel attached to him in some invisible way.  It's a spiritual connection, to my way of thinking.  I know our vows are "til death do we part", but I'm not sure that death really ever completely separates us.  Our vow is til death, but the connection continues.  That's what I think.  I've spent a whole lot of time these last several years really pondering that whole issue.  I know for the sake of my family I have to keep living, and for me, to be able to do that I knew something had to happen that would allow me to do that.  Cheryl said she'll never stop loving Tim.  I know I'll never stop loving Lamar - never!  But he's not here with me, so what all that means I'm still figuring out.

But you know what, Sandy?  It's only been a short while since your sweet husband left your side.  You don't really need to be thinking about these things right now.  You still are in the "just getting through the day" stage and are no where near ready to "let go", which is probably why it seems like such a foreign concept to you.  So just take each day as it comes, for now anyway, and take care of yourself and your little boy.  Somehow, the rest will take care of itself.  Thinking of you and praying for you.  ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Sandy, I don't believe that we need to "let go" of our beloveds.  They still exist, just in another form.  If for some reason, they had to move to another country, and we couldn't see them for a long time, would we have to let them go?  I don't think so.  For me, that's how it is with my Ishaq.  He is in a new place, a new form - I don't know have all the answers, I just know he visits me in dreams and in other ways from time to time, letting me know that he's still with me and that makes me confident that we will be together again some day.  Some cultures and spiritual traditions believe that our beloveds walk side by side with us for the rest of our lives on earth.  It has certainly made it easier for me to continue living my life, learning to find peace and even some happiness in the things I do here.  I don't have an desire for another relationship with another man; Ishaq was so special, my soulmate.  I'm learning how to just be "me" and to honor him, and keep his memory alive as well, while living my own life without him here physically.  I think some of the pressure to "move on" comes from other people who may not be comfortable being on their own, without another person in their life, another relationship.  I think there is a different way of being, a new way, where we acknowledge our beloved's presence can still be very much part of our lives, even if they have left their bodies.

Blessings,

Anna

[grannyc]

Sandy, we surely have given you food for thought or maybe to choke on.

You are so early in your path, when you need to just take care of yourself and son.  I, also have connected with my husband through dreams.  I know he'd never come back, he is in the greatest place ever.  It is me that is hurting not him.  There are times you just know he is with you.   He was my other half, a connection that will be there forever.  But, as we go along we and our path changes.   Today is better than a year ago, but, I'd take my old life back in a heart beat.

I am a Christian and I know where Tim is.  I will join him someday.  But, for now I am still learning how to get through all this with him gone.  Hurting along the way.  But, I have learned alot so far, my days are now defining me as who I am without my life shared with Tim/my other half.

Sincerely, GrannyCheryl ^j^  ^j^  ^j^  ^j^  ^j^

[misshimstill]

To all - Sandy, Anna, Cheryl and anyone who reads this discussion:

To me it is necessary, I think, to let Lamar go.  I'm remarried, and I can't be married to two men.  You know what I mean?  True he'll always be a part of me because of that spiritual connection I spoke about.  On the other hand, he's gone.  He's not here with me anymore.  I know that he's with the Lord/Jesus, and I will see him again some day when the Lord calls me home.  I truely cannot wait until that day.  I have dreams about him, and maybe some of them have been more than just "dreams", but he's not here with me or beside me.  He's with the Lord.  Different religious beliefs, maybe.  Like Cheryl said, I guess we've given you enough to chew on for quite a while.  But please take your time with all of this.  For me it's time.  For Cheryl it's time.  For you, whether you ever feel you need to "let him go" or not, I''m sure when I say that this is not the time for that.  You are still in the shock phase and maybe the anger phase.  You're not anywhere close to letting him go.  Just take one day at a time.  I'm praying for you always.  ~Oneta

[susanbruce]

Friends, the doctor (if you can call her that) that gave me the news about Bruce, I will never forget. She was oriental (just a description, makes no difference to me), she had the biggest zit that was ready to squeeze right above her lip. She made me believe that he was ok - she asked all about his history, what meds was he taking, does he smoke, does he take drugs, Then all of a sudden she just says, He was dead when they brought him into the hospital. I couldn't believe it, I remember saying, WHAT, say that again. She didn't.

A little while later a nurse came and got me and our daughter and took us to the room where he was at. All by himself in a dark cold room, it was a big room too. He was covered with a sheet up to his neck, with tubes in his nose and his mouth. His left eye was open about 1/2 way. I could see  his beautiful hazel eyes. He wasn't wearing a stitch of clothes. He was already cool to the touch. I was mad because they couldn't take the tube out of his mouth so that we could kiss him. 

I didn't get to spend any time with him alone. If I could do anything over again that day besides change what happened to him, it would be spend some time alone with him.  The next time we saw him was 5 days later at the funeral home. He died on a Friday, late afternoon, they did the autopsy on Saturday and then we donated his eyes, tissue, skin and some bone.

He would be pleased with that. It was our daughter's idea to do it. He is proud.

To do this day, I have driven by that hospital one time and I hated it.     

[qubert]

Today is the 2nd month of Bruce's passing. I am going to go out and show houses so maybe the day will just go by and I won't have to think about the day he died. Susan I freaked out when by husband died it was at our lake house I ran out side a started screeming at god not to do this. My son was holding him until the fire dep. arrived and they called for back up. He was all ready gone just had a week pulse. They did not let me go back inside due to all the tubs. I went to the funeral home and spent 3 hours with him before anyone came. We had a closed casket Bruce did not what anyone looking at him. I did allow family to for closer. I so feel what you went through and I am here for you.

Susan

[gone4evr]

I just don't understand how I can be doing so well and then all of a sudden when I pass by Mark's picture I become overwhelmed by grief.  Tonight our son was asking a lot of questions about why his dad had to die and how much he misses him.  I tried answering all of Jordan's questions but I just couldn't come up with answers, since even I have those questions.  Why Mark?  I just don't understand how someone as athletic as my husband and as young could die.  It just makes no sense.  My husband made me feel safe and now I feel so insecure.  I keep putting on a good front for Jordan but it just eats me alive inside.  I feel so empty.  My husband was a great guy, why him?  How do I go on without him?  I just feel like I'm moving along oblivious to the world.  I am able to function, but that is about all I am able to do. 

I am haunted by the thought of seeing his name on a tombstone.   We talk about planting flowers on daddy's grave but the thought of going to the cemetary and being there knowing his body lies in a coffin 6 feet under the ground mortifies me.  I have driven by his grave, which is covered with a blanket of snow.  But I haven't been able to walk up to his grave. 

How could this have happened?  We were suppose to grow old together.  How am I going to go on?  I know I have to.  I know that for Jordan's sake I have to keep going, but how?  I've been focusing on Jordan and my schoolwork.  I have resumed my normal routine with a few exceptions.  I can no longer call my husband to see how his day is.  I can't call him and meet him for lunch.  He doesn't clean off my car in the morning or call to wake me up.  He isn't here to run to the grocery store for me.  He isn't here to take care of me when I am sick or to worry about me and call to see how I am feeling.  He won't be going with me to parent teacher conferences.  There will be no more children with him.  I just don't understand and it hurts like heck!

Sandy

[grannyc]

Sandy,

You are doing the right thing, "getting it out" that's about all one can do.   You will probably realize about 2-3 months down the road that you are on auto pilot.  And, it will all become clearer then.   You are an amazing woman to be so good with your son, show houses, etc.   Be good to yourself!!!  And, just one breath at a time for now!      Do not go to the cemetary until you are ready.  It is very hard to walk up to the grave and see that name etched in stone.   I just sat there and cried for how long I did not know.   That was my other half and now there was no turning back, he was gone and I was insecure without him for more than 37 years it had been 'Us'   Now, it is just 'me' and I am still only existing.   I try to get out and do things, besides when I am working, but I love to isolate.  And I do that very Well!  Not good to do it, tho.   But one day at a time:  One decision at a time:  One idea at a time.    This widow brain can only handle so much.

We have grief bursts, Sandy, like fine one minute and not the next and sometimes we don't even have any idea what the trigger was.  This is a trauma we have been stuck into, Its alot of WORK to start a healing process.

My best to you, Sandy, and prayers,  Cheryl

[misshimstill]

Hi, all.

I'm a little confused here.  It seems we have two Susans who were both married to Bruces.  Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding.  We have susanbruce and qbert also married to Bruce.

Susanbruce,  I think you are the one who said you had the horrible treatment at the hospital and the bad attitude or insensitive attitude from the doctor who told you your husband was gone.  I had a similar experience when my husband died.  They put me in a tiny room to wait instead of taking me into the ER like they do on TV.  Then finally a young doctor came in and told me simply, "I'm sorry."  He left me to draw my own conclusions.  I asked him finally, "Are you telling me he's dead?" and he said yes.  I also was not given any time to spend at the hospital with his body to say goodbye or anything, just like you.  I understand that feeling of wishing you had done things differently.  From the time they wheeled my husband into the ER on the gurney until I saw him again at the funeral home was about two days.  They can be really cold and insensitive at hospitals.  I'm really sorry that you were treated that way. 

And Susan who is qbert, I think you're the one whose husband died at your lake house and again you were kept from being with him as he died.  You spent three hours with him at the funeral home.  I did the same thing... spent a lot of time at the funeral home with his body.  I think because we were prevented from being with our husbands when they died, this was a way of trying to get that back.  I hope you were able to feel that you had the time you needed that way.  It did help me to do that.

Sandy, I understand the inability to make any sense of Mark's death.  He was young, he was a good husband, good father.  I've often wondered why the bad husbands and bad fathers continue to live so often, the wife and child beaters and abusers, but my husband who was a good husband and would have been a wonderful father to our unborn baby was taken from us.  There are no answers to those questions, but it's okay to ask.  I felt like you did, too, when I first saw his tombstone with his name on it, which was several months after his death.  How could this man I had fallen in love with such a short time ago and had been such a vitally alive man be buried under this tombstone with his name on it.  It just didn't fit.  Everything about the death of someone so young has a feel of unreality about it. 

I hope that all of you will feel some peace and comfort as time goes by.  I can only tell you that it's hard - the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I'm praying for each of you.  May you feel the comfort of the Lord during these days and may He strengthen you to be able to take care of your children the way you want to be able to care for them.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Oneta,

    How long has it been for you?  I remember seeing it somewhere but I'm drawing a blank.  How do you keep your husband's memory alive with a child that never met her father?  Did you ever remarry? 

     I think the hardest thing is how differently people treat us.  My sister in law even said that it's hard coming over because she is afraid to be reminded of her brother.  I get patronized all the time at the school.  My son's principal is always saying "is this the grieving widow that is getting upset with me".  I keep telling him no, this is a mother who cares about her child, knock it off.  I'm so tired of hearing about the grieving widow.  Yes, I am grieving, but I hate that term.  I hate being referred to as a widow.

Sandy 

 

[gone4evr]

It has been almost 7 weeks.  It seems like yesterday.  My cousin dropped off the last of my husband's belongings from his office yesterday.  It just seems so wrong.  I just want to wake up and have him here.  I know that isn't going to happen, but I just miss him so much. What frustrates me the most, is the attitude of everyone.  I feel like I'm this plague, that no one wants to be around because they are afraid it's going to happen to them.  My friend who lost her husband 8 weeks before I lost mine, says the same thing.  It's almost like we are alienated or jinxed.  People don't want to talk to us.  It's like they are afraid we're going to break if they talk to us or worse yet break into tears, God forbid.  Conversations always seem to focus on the weather or really safe topics, like grocery shopping.  I really hate this.  I hate that he is not here.  I hate that I have lost my very best friend, my confidante.  I hate that I don't feel secure anymore.  I hate that he won't be here to grow old with.  I hate that he won't see his son grow up.  I hate that he can't go sledding with us or boating in the summer.  I hate that the insanity and laughter in my house has gone on a hiatus.  I hate that I lost my shopping partner.  I hate that he isn't here when I come home at night, that he's not here to curl up with.  I hate that I can't hear any more of his goofy jokes or his funny laugh.  It just hurts incredibly.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions, that my life will never be normal ever again.  Everything is turned upside down.  All our dreams are gone.  We are just moving along, one day at a time trying to look like we are doing well.

Sandy

[misshimstill]

Sandy, I had a whole long answer written to you, but I lost it when I posted.  I don't know if it's my computer or internet connection or something wrong with BI.  I've read several people have said they're having trouble posting.  I'll have to rewrite it later.  Right now I have to get some work done.  I'll just say that I know how much it hurts to be in your shoes right now, how much you hate that designation of "grieving widow", how much you hate the fact that he's not coming home, not walking through that door at night, not there to hold you or cuddle with you.  It's just lonely.  I'll write more to you when I have more time.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

Oneta,

     I just feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.  Some days I am absolutely fine, laughing, smiling, remembering my husband without difficulty and then there are those days I just don't want to crawl out of bed but I do, I force myself, for my son.  It always hurts, but I seem to cope better some days.  I am slowly moving on.  Each day is a new challenge.  It still hurts especially on Monday nights when I realize another week has passed and soon it will be two months.  It's just so hard to believe he has been gone so long.  The pain isn't as intense as it was but it's still present.  I have started making changes in my life.  I'm leaving the nurse practitioner program and switching to nursing education.  I'm also bumping up my hours at the college where I teach, to make a little more money.  Inevitably, I'll probably go full time there.  I still cry every night.  I still want to shake the crap out of my husband and want to yell "Why did you do this, why did you leave me"  I still blame myself for not seeing the warning signs, if there were any.  I still hear him saying 24 hours before he died "I'm glad you are getting your Master's because I think I'm going to die young."  I am angry at fate or whoever or whatever caused this.  At the same time I feel like my husband jinxed himself by saying that, he tempted fate and fate won.  Fate took my husband and the father to my child.  I know that sounds bizzarre but I think about everything I say, out of fear of jinxing myself.  I'm also more conscientous about what I eat and am doing everything possible to get as healthy as I can, for my child and for myself.  I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal, but I'm surviving.

Sandy

 

[susanbruce]

I need some words of wisdom from you Oneta.

It's been 23 months for me now. I have started getting used to Bruce not being around. I am trying to sell our house and settle our IRS problems. I am struggling with what to do with our dog - Lady, she's blind, not in the best of health.  I am moving to an apartment at the end of the month and thinking I should send her to Bruce. I feel like I am playing God in regards to Lady.

So many changes in my life now. I'm afraid that he'll become a distant memory. I have pictures of him everywhere at home and at work. How do I keep him 'alive'?

Susan

 

[gone4evr]

I know how you are feeling.  I have a cat, that we were going to put down the week my husband died.  I have had this cat for over 18 years.  He has a large tumor on the top of his head that has opened up and its' pretty nasty looking.  I just don't have the heart to do it, but at the same time I know it has to be done and soon.   My father said he would take him, when I'm ready to let him go.  I just keep thinking it's going to re-open all the painful memories and it's going to hurt my child to lose something more.  On the other hand, I also don't want him to suffer. 

If you can't take him with you to the apartment then it would be better for the dog, for you or someone close to you to take the dog and have him put down, instead of a total stranger at a humane society or pound.  In all liklihood, taking the dog to the humane society or pound is going to result in him being put down because he/she is old and blind.  It would be better for your pet, to have someone there that it knows during it's final moments.  Think of it this way, you can send a message through the dog to your husband.  Sounds ironic, I know, but it may give you peace to say. .. It's time for you to go join (insert your husband's name), please take care of my husband and let him know I love him. 

Sandy

[gone4evr]

Susan,

     I was thinking about your question about keeping your husband's memory alive.  A friend of mine suggested that instead of getting rid of my husband's clothes that I should make quilts for my son and myself, that way when I need to feel comforted I can wrap up in it and still smell my husband.  I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to do it.  She also recommended getting what is called photo transfer paper (the type you can use in color computers), take a few of your favorite pictures of you and your husband or just your husband and transfer your pictures onto fabric to be used in that quilt.  It doesn't ruin the picture, it just makes a transfer that you can iron onto cloth squares.  Just a thought.  I also burn a candle every night or when I'm home in memory of my husband.  My sister in law is going to help me make a scrapbook of memories for when either my son or I need to remember him.  I also journal all of our memories as they come to me, so someday I can give it to my son and he will know all the neat things we did together as a family.  I always fear that my son won't remember his father, because he is only 5.  So being creative, coming up with ideas for a quilt helps.  The photo transfer paper that I found is by a company called Tulip.  I got it at Joann Fabrics.

Sandy

[susanbruce]

Sandy,

Bruce and I always referred to Lady as our daughter. We've had her since she was 6 weeks, even went to the breeders when she was 3 weeks old to pick her out. When she could see we would take her to the park or just out in the backyard and throw her ball for her. She loved to chase that ball.  It was like her pacifer. She always had it or if she didn't she knew where it was. One time when her sight was first starting to go, she lost it in the backyard for like 10 days. She found it and came to the back door to let us see that she found it. She was so happy and we were so proud of her.

Our daughter's black lab got the ball and chewed about a 1/4 of it away. We looked and looked and looked for another ball just like it but couldn't find one. Every time we'd go to a store like Kroger or Target or Walmart, we'd go to the toy dept if we could remember and look for that kind of ball.

Anyway Bruce has got what is left of the ball with him. It's in his hand. I did that on purpose because I wanted the two of them to be able to play ball again when it was time for Lady to join him.

I have had some chats with Lady about going to see Daddy and playing ball. I have asked Bruce if would give me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. So far nothing.

I plan to be there with her the whole time.  I have it tentatively planned in my head to do on Good Friday. That is symbolic I think.  Then I will have the long weekend to wail.

Susan

 

 

[armaiti]

There's an online site called Cafepress.com where you can upload photos and make them into things.  I took one of my favorite pictures of Ishaq and put it on a pillow, that sits on our bed on his side.  I've also made magnets and given them away to friends and family, and I make calendars every year for the family, which include pictures of him.  I'm glad I'm so into photography, that I took so many pictures of him.  I was watching a video of us performing last night and I felt like he would walk into the room any minute, to watch over my shoulder.  Maybe he did.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Susan,

I also have a dog....I swear she was the true love of Rod's life! If I was in your situation I would not hestitate to put her to sleep even though it would be very painful for me. There is a beautiful children's book by Rylant called Dog Heaven. Go to a bookstore or library and read the story before you take Lady. I think it will make you feel better. I think if I had to lose Niki, I would bury her ashes at Rod's grave in the middle of the night as they were always together when he was alive. I am so sorry you're facing this situation.

Mary Jo

[maamgrey]

I think it's a blessing and a curse that we have the ability to make that choice for our animals.  I've had to do it many times (too many times) and I've found that they usually let you know.  You see them in pain or not eating or something and you know it's the right thing.  It's incredibly painful for us, but I found it somehow peacful too.  It must be excruciating  for you to have to make this decision and think of your other losses.

I have a story that must seem ironic to you.  Until last weekend, I had 3 dogs.  Mike and I loved them all.  About a week or two before he died, Mike said, "When we get our next dog, can we get a Jack Russell?"  (He'd had one before that he'd raised) So I said "Sure."

After Mike died (6 weeks ago) I  kept thinking about getting a Jack Russell as a way to honor Mike.  Last Sunday, I adopted one.  His name was Scout and Mike had been an Eagle Scout as a kid and very proud of it and talked about it a lot so it seemed like a sign.  It's been challenging getting him integrated into the pack.  So now I have 4.  They're the reason I get up in the morning and they can be very comforting.

Sue

[misshimstill]

Susan,

Sorry I've taken so long to respond to you.  I've kind of been out ofpocket for a while.

In reference to Lady, I really don't know what to advise you to do.  I've never been that attached to an animal before.  I know that many people are and it is a HUGE issue for them to decide something like this. 

As far as keeping Bruce's memory alive, I think some very good suggestions have been made for you.  I have my husband's pictures in my office where I am all the time.  I have our wedding picture on my "picture wall" with our family pictures.  He was an artist, so I have several of his paintings hanging in my house.  Besides that I would talk about him with your children every chance you get, even little things, so that especially the littlest ones remember him.  An example - my mother died when my granddaugher was 2.  But I often refer to things about "Grammie" to her, and she remembers her, and she's almost 7 now.  So talking about him a lot will really help.  I'm sure you will think of other things.  ~Oneta

[gone4evr]

I had the strangest experience yesterday.  My boss is into new age music and was looking for a specific group.  We looked all over town for it and finally I remembered a little store in the downtown section that was into new age stuff--stones, candles, music, books etc.  I don't mind going into the store because they do have some really neat things, but they also have a psychic, and a room for meditation-- which my boss thought was neat.  To me, not so much so.  So I avoided that area and just looked at the candles and books.  The psychic came out into the main area, where I was at and she came right over to me and told me that I had a sad presence with me.  She then preceded to tell me that the presence was a love of mine that died.  Since there were customers in the store she asked me to come with her to her room, no charge, she just wanted to help me.  My boss came with me and had whispered to me not to give her any information, let her draw the information herself from this so called spirit.  So, we went along.  The psychic then told me that the presence was deeply connected to me and then she said "Oh my, it's your husband, he died suddenly.  He didn't want to go, he wasn't ready.  He was in an accident, no, he died doing something athletic."  Donna and I just looked at one another (mind you, we were over an hour from home, so the lady did not know who I was or the situation).  She then said "He's been gone almost 2 months, and he died real fast, his heart failed, oh my, he had a heart attack while playing basketball?"  She then asked me if "I had dreamed about my husband or seen him?"  When I told her no, she said it was because I was holding back my grief and he can't come to me"  She said that "He loves my son and I and that he was sorry that he left us".  I couldn't take anymore so I got up and left, leaving Donna in the store.  The lady then came out and apologized saying that she didn't mean to upset me, but that grieving was important.  She gave me two rose crystals and said just to hold them from time to time, they will give me comfort.  She then said, "your husband loves you and your son very much and he's sorry he left you, he didn't want to go, he wants you to find peace, don't be afraid to talk to him, you will feel his answers."  Then she walked away.  How the heck did she know so much???  We didn't tell her anything and my boss said I didn't look like I was sad or anything.  We were actually laughing and joking around in the store.  I was having a good day, until that happened.  I know that Donna didn't talk to her, because we were together and Donna had never been to that store before-- she's new to the area.  It was my idea to go there.  I am so confused.  How could she know so much?  She didn't even know my name, how did she know about my son?  Why the rose crystal??  Is there some significance?  I won't be going there for a long time.

[misshimstill]

Sandy,

I won't get into the question of how the psychic "knew" so much about you.  I personally don't doubt the reality of the information being accurate.  To me it's a question of where psychics get their information.

I will address what she said to you about the necessity of grieving.  I am into the fifth year of what is called a "complicated grief" because I didn't grieve when my husband died 35 years ago.  I will tell you that it is extremely important that you do grieve, that you don't stuff your feelings or repress your feelings, and that you talk about your husband a lot - talk to friends, talk to family and especially talk to your child about him.  This is important for your own processing of your feelings and your own emotional health, as well as a complete working through of your grief.  I know from my own experience how important this is.  For me the grieving has been much more intense and much more difficult, lasted longer, etc. because I didn't grieve at the time of his death.  I can't stress this enough.

Praying for you, as always.  ~Oneta

[armaiti]

Sandy, it does seem interesting that she came out and confronted you that way...I'm going to ask my friend, Gillian, who is a psychic some folks on this board have talked to, but it seems that usually a person wouldn't get that involved with you unless you had asked for help, because it could be hard for someone who isn't ready or prepared for the information they are going to share.  Like you said, you were having a good time, and this exchange seems to have upset you. 

Rose crystals are a crystal related to the heart, to healing the heart and to love.  So the crystals are a gift meant to help you with the pain you feel, I think. 

I've had a few people mention Ishaq to me, who didn't know me...one even I woman on eBay that I bought something from wrote to me specically to tell me she felt he was with me still. 

How did she know so much?  I think your husband was telling her some of it, and it seems to me he wanted to contact you very much, and that may have prompted her to come talk to you.  I think when a psychic is getting a message from someone who wants to communicate, they feel obligated to help.  So maybe that's why she came out to you and wanted to help you.

Try not to be scared by this; we just change form when we leave our bodies, but the love, the essence of who we were, remains and grows and still watches over the ones left behind.  That's how it is with me and Ishaq. 

Blessings,

Anna

[aurora]

Gone4ever, the rose quartz crystals she gave you help to soothe emotions and enhance all forms of love.

[gone4evr]

I think it was the way she approached me that threw me off and the fact that she seemed to know so much about our situation.  I don't know if she sensed my sadness or if my husband was trying to connect with me.  She didn't charge me, and I offerred to pay her but she declined.  It really set me into a tail spin though.  My boss and I then went out to dinner and she chose a restaurant that was my husband and my favorite.  I thought I would be ok with that, but that wasn't the case.  We sat across the room from where we usually sat and I just had this incredible sadness come over me.  I remembered the last time we were there and the conversation we were having and realized that that was our last time in this particular restaurant.  Realizing he wasn't going to ever eat here again with me, that there would be no more Saturday dates.  No more weekend trips.  That we would never go shopping ever again together.  No more movies.  I held it together through dinner and after she left, I fell apart and I haven't been able to pull it together after that.  I just miss him so much it hurts.  My cousin thinks that the realization has hit and the shock is wearing off and I'm starting to feel the pain.  I just feel this incredible, horrendous, emptiness and this overwhelming sadness.  Why him?  Why my husband?  Why any of our husbands?  What did we do to deserve this??

Sandy

[maamgrey]

Sandy,

I recently had that same thought - we went to this same diner at least once every two weeks.  Now I'll never go there with him again.  At this point I won't go out to eat anywhere.  I have no appetite either.  And I have to drive by it twice a day every day.  It's ll those "nevers" that hurt so much.

Sometimes I have trouble believing all this is real - how could this be my  life?  It's not the life I wanted or we planned!  I just want him back!

Sue

[gone4evr]

I keep wishing that this is just a really bad dream and suddenly I will wake up and it will be back to normal.  But I know that isn't the case.  I go past where he works twice a day and every time I just want to pick up the phone and say hi, like I always did.  I miss the little annoyances, things that bugged the heck out of me. Right now, I would give anything, well almost anything to have him back.  My family doesn't understand, they think that I'm wasting my time grieving, when I should be living, because life is so short.  They keep asking me, would my husband want this?  Probably not, but it still hurts.

 

[qubert]

Sandy,

Like you I am not sure when we will ever feel, or if we will ever feel normal again. I wish just one morning I could wake up and say today is going to be a good day. I stayed in bed until 10 Am this morning and for me to not get up and start my day before 7 ish is wierd. I am so thankful for this site as well as other sites that have gotten me through the day. I am a realtor and bussiness is the worst I have ever seen it... so it gives me alot of time to read post. So many of us and more every day with all this grief and pain. God bless us all

Susan

[gone4evr]

It is hard to believe, it has been two months.  Feels like yesterday.  I am feeling better most of the time.  I still have my tearful moments, I'm sure those will not go away for quite a while.  It still doesn't feel real, although I know it is real.  I think it's because I still associate death with getting old, not dying in your 40's.  I still see my husband as athletic and in fairly good shape. 

I finish my classes hopefully next week and then I'm not going to go back until September.  It will be good to take time off, it has been tough trying to focus on my studies.  I really need to spend the summer with my child.   I'm just amazed that I have managed to pass both classes so far.  

My husband's parents will be home the end of April, which I am dreading.  My inlaws keep referring to themselves as "mom and dad and telling me how much they love me."  Amazing, they couldn't stand me when my husband was alive!  Now that he's gone, I'm their daughter?  What gives?  I find it difficult to deal with this.   I have no respect for them.  They were mad at me because I didn't get an autopsy.  (The deputy coroner did not feel it was necessary because it was a heart attack and an autopsy would be expensive).  Then when it came to to the funeral, they never even offered to help me pay for it, but they wanted their say.   My husband's wishes were to be cremated his parents were absolutely mortified that I would even consider it.  Then, they had to have their say on the coffin--which they didn't win out on.   The one they wanted was the most expensive one.  When it came to the final cost of the funeral, they got up and walked out.  Not even offering to help me out.  I think the mortician was shocked.  He had known this family for all of his life.  My dad put the downpayment down for me, since I didn't have that kind of money.  Now, I'm suppose to think of them as family???  

My husband's sister asked me if I had a will and who would get my son.  I informed her that I had a will and my son would be going to my sister and brother in law.  I didn't realize she was upset until last night, when my husband's mother called and was very upset that my husband's sister would not get my son when something happens to me.  First off, I don't plan on going anywhere and secondly my sister and brother in law have a very close relationship with my son and have had one since he was born.  They have two boys that my son plays with all the time and are like brothers to him.  My sister in law has only seen my son twice.  My mother in law then preceded to tell me, "We will talk about this when we get back in town!"  Well, I'm sorry, but they have no say.  I am the mother!!!  My husband and I both felt that my sister would be a better parent and it was a much better circumstance.  I am so dreading my inlaws.  I wish the economy would turn around so I can sell this house and get as far away from them as possible.  Fortunately, my parents live in the same town as I do and will be here to help deal with them.

Sandy 

[qubert]

Oh Sandy, I am so sorry with all we go through that we also have to deal with the inlaws. I wish we could all just help each other out instead of saying hurtful things. I am having the same problem with my husbands older sister. The report came back on my husbands death today and it was what I told his sister a heart attack. I emailed the report today and she said to me this should have not happened. Like it was my job to make him go to the doctor and get a check up I told her to talk to god. Why they look to us for answers I am not sure. I alwasy say I have a call on the other line sorry I have to go now.

God Bless

Susan

[gone4evr]

What do I owe them??  I love my husband.  I know his relationship with his parents wasn't good.   They mistreated him for decades.  They used him every chance they had.  They never helped him.   They belittled him every chance they got.  Why would I want that in my life??  Why would I want to subject my son to that?  They can fantasize all they want about how wonderful of parents they were and everyone in this stupid town can think they are absolutely wonderful people.  But it frustrates me when people tell me how lucky I am to have such wonderful inlaws.  

The bad thing, if I reject them, then I'm the bad person.  So I'm stuck.  I have to be cordial and put on a good front, to live a lie.  I have to literally play along.  They'll get to see their grandson, but they will only see him when I can be there with him and everything will be on my terms, not theirs.

Sandy

 

 

[qubert]

The only one we owe anything to is ourselfs. Take a deep breath and move at your own pace only you know what is best for you and your son. God wants us to love. It is hard right now everything is so new and different. Do what is best for you

Take care

Susan

[aurora]

Sandy, you don't need those kind of people in your life with all you're coping with now. I would avoid them or let the answering machine pick up and when you feel strong enough, tell them to go fly a kite. I suppose you shouldn't burn bridges though so be tactful.

[rodless]

Sandy,

I had problems with four grown stepkids. They basically let me take care of their dad without spending much quality time with him then objected when we decided to take him home under hospice. They made arrangements to move him to a rehibilitation center out of state without talking to him first and made his last few days on earth horrible. They picked out an expensive wood casket that sent the funeral cost above the insurance and then stuck me with the bill which I'm still paying off almost two years later. They also came to the house two days after he died and demanded to be given anything he owned before we were married (they had a checkoff list) his clothes and tools. Very bad scene. One of his sons is a major in the marine corps. I have never experienced such coldness and hostility as was exhibited and hope to never again. They had me completely cowed and I had nightmares for months.

I have not spoken or seen three of them since July 2006 and finally told the fourth one to quit calling. I felt bad as I am the only grandma her two girls had and we always had a good relationship but she was part of the whole thing when Rod died and I wanted it all behind me. Also I did not want her to feel constantly caught in the middle as the others told her to have nothing to do with me.

During the years Rod and I went together and were married, I helped plan a wedding for one, was there when another lost a child, had family holiday dinners and was grandma (including the premie nursery) to eight kids. (Rod's ex-wife has very little contact with them.) There were some disagreements and I'm sure there were times I made them mad, but I would never have expected anything like what happened. I guess they couldn't be angry at their dad for dying so they were angry with me. It took me a year to get over my anger with them and now I just feel sorry for them.

So the point to this long story is...people act very strangely when confronted with death and you have to do what you can to protect yourself and your son whatever it takes. Stand up for yourself, don't feel guilty for having feelings and lean on your parents. Stay strong.

Mary Jo

[aurora]

rodless, I went through the same thing with my husband's family. They demanded "all the family stuff" immediately and I was still reeling from  the shock and trauma of his suicide. They made sure I had no say in the memorial service. I have not heard from them in 2 years. I'm grateful. When I hugged his brother at the memorial service all he said was "Life goes on". Cold uncaring people at this time sure do pop up. You are right-death affects people in weird ways. I feel like everybody got a piece of me immediately by taking things when I was in shock and unable to cope with anything. One of my therapists said it is going to be lucky if I don't wind up bitter. The other therapist is trying to keep my heart open.

[maamgrey]

I had a lucky experience.  When Mike died, he was totally estranged from his 22-year-old son.  It was the son's doing; Mike tried to contact him repeatedly and sent checks for Christmas and birthdays - which were cashed!  He was in touch with his 18-year-old daugter.  I had never met either one but I talked to the daughter fairly often and she was planning on coming up here this summer.

Mike had 6 brothers and sisters that he didn't see for 20 years except once at their mother's funeral.   His ex had cut them off.  They were happy to leave everything up to me, including the $11,000 that came out of our bank account.  One sister and one brother came and his daughter came and I keep in touch with all of them.  They all said that I'd been with him the last 3 years and so it was entirely up to me to plan the whole thing.

They all stayed with me while they were here which meant feeding all of them.  I couldn't believe that neither of them offered to do anything.  And I live 4 doors from a Dunkin' Donuts!  I bought the plot next to him for me and I go and viisit him a few times a month.  These days I'd like to get in there right nxt to him.

Sorry you all had such difficult times.

Sue

 

Sue

 

[laquinn]

You do not owe his parents anything. My husbands partents have both passed in the past 6 years and when his mom died(she went last) my husbands sisters became so hateful to him and his brothers. Thye thought they were entitled to everything in the house and all of the money that was left. The boys finally had to take them to court to get their fair share. Their dad always said I don't have one child I have 6 and they are all treated the same. So they had not talked to the girls in 4 or 5 years but when they found out Randy was sick they went to the hospital at 5 in the morning and tried to say he forgave them no he did not because when I got there I held him while he cried and had to promise him that when he was gone they would not be at the funeral and I stood my ground. OUr oldest son called them the Friday night 22 weeks ago and told them he died they never contacted me and still haven't. But they were right up at the funneral home before vivation started and thought they were gonna stay "for the Family" they were wrong they were escorted out of the funneral home by 6 state troopers and then had the nerve to say they don't know why I would not let them there. Their commet as they were being walked out was"what are we gonna tell our friends now". Well 5 years ago they said they had no brothers anymore so why should I have had to make myself and my family missareable to go through the fakey smile and hugs when they did not mean it. sorry just makes me upset when I think about that day again and how they were and still are. They both work at the hospital and anytime I have to go out there for something wich I try not to they look the other way. So they haven't changed.

You stand your ground don't let them try to make you do anything you don't want to do.

Lela

[armaiti]

I'm so sorry you all had such bad times with your partner's families!  I know I'm one of the lucky ones...I'm really close with Ishaq's whole family, and they were completely supportive - and even very appreciative - of the way I handled the arrangements.  His sister and her husband came and stayed with me and were a great help; the family even paid for a plane ticket so I could come back for that first Christmas.  They are just wonderful.  They always tell me they love me and I'll always be part of the family.  And his kids and I are still close too.  So I count my blessings on that side of things. 

Blessings,

Anna

[gone4evr]

Yesterday was really bad for me.  Nothing seemed to go right.  I'll be glad when these classes are over with.  One more week and I'll be done and then I'm taking time off for the summer and relaxing, sorting through my life and getting back on track, completely.   My inlaws are a constant thorn in my side, which I don't think is going to change.  My immediate family has been really good but my mother's family seems to think I need to be kept real busy, so I don't dwell on my loss.  My aunt called me three times yesterday with a ton of things I should be doing right now, instead of wallowing in my grief.  I don't know where she gets the idea that I'm wallowing in grief.  I'm too busy.  When things pile up then I get frustrated and then I get angry and then the sadness pours in but for the most part I think I'm doing pretty good.  I work part time but I could easily go back full time.   I am working on my master's degree in nursing, which hasn't been easy.   I have a child that I spend time with, and I go to Curves every day but Sunday.  I pay my own bills, do my own cleaning.  I think I have enough on my plate right now.  Yes, I miss my husband, but wouldn't they?

Sandy

 

[rodless]

Have you thought about an answering maching and screening your calls?

[gone4evr]

I have one.  Actually tonight was the first time I didn't have at least 9 calls on it.  I was grumbling to my mother yesterday, maybe she passed on the word.  Let's hope anyway. 

My husband has been gone 9 weeks, hard to believe.  I still miss him so much.  The house feels so empty without him especially at night.  The kitten has taken his place in bed and now snuggles with me at night.  He use to grumble about how the kitten would sleep so close to him, now she does it to me.  She is my constant companion now.  My little one also likes to curl up with me at night, sometimes the bed gets pretty crowded with my child and three cats.   

 I received the invitation to my 25th class reunion, we were planning on going to this one.  I've decided not to go.  It's just too hard seeing happy couples, friends that never met my husband, and knowing I would be going alone.  I know they would all be supportive, but I can't do it.  I can't even make myself go, especially now. 

Sandy

 

[missudave]

I agree that screening your calls or voicemail is excellent if you have people upsetting you.  You quickly determine who will be toxic during the grieving process and who will help you find your way.  Surround yourself with the people who bring you peace.  I feel very comfortable knowing that I am not required to answer my door or phone unless I want to.  Be kind to yourself in that way.

[gone4evr]

I had a rough day.  One of the patients at the nursing home, I am doing clinicals with my nursing students at, died today while we were there.  The staff, not thinking, asked the students if they wanted to do post mortum care and follow up with the family and doctor for experience.  Well, to make a long story short, not thinking the student asked me to go in and give her some direction.  I did ok, but fell apart in my office with the door closed.  I think the nurse on the floor realized what had happened because she came looking for me and scolded me for doing it.  She said under the circumstances she would have done it for me.  I just told her it was ok, that I would be ok.  Amazingly, I don't feel too bad about it, because she was 98 and she died peacefully.  She looked beautiful in fact.  I can't say that for my husband.  But it did bring all those memories right up front.  Is it ever going to get easy?

Sandy