The private grief world

[ImMomma]

On 5/15/2024 at 11:59 AM, HisMunchkin said:

Has anyone here ever taken a trip in a motor home?  We did that once when I was very young.  I've always wanted to do it again and bring our dog along.  Thought we might do that later in life after retirement.  I don't drive, though, so all the driving would have been left up to my husband.   

We thought about that a couple times, but neither of us are ones for roughing it - even in a nice motor home.  I come from a outdoorsy - camping family and it held no appeal for me.  Give me roomservice!   

We never travelled much in any way.  We always had too many rescue dogs to care for.   It sounds silly, but I miss talking about going places and pretending and dreaming.   And reliving the few times we were able to get away.   Those are precious memories.  

[KayC]

No but George and I had a couple of campers.

[WithoutHer]

This is a night for no specific reason I'm feeling desperation. Just watching an old Deep Space Nine and this came out of nowhere. It's not the show because I would be watching this here in the living room while Vickie would be watching her crime shows on the porch. I can't identify a trigger but it's overwhelming. I'm in a place I know everyone here can relate to wanting to be with and talk to her. It's such a lonely life without her.

[widower2]

On 5/29/2024 at 8:51 PM, ImMomma said:

We thought about that a couple times, but neither of us are ones for roughing it - even in a nice motor home.  I come from a outdoorsy - camping family and it held no appeal for me.  Give me roomservice!   

We never travelled much in any way.  We always had too many rescue dogs to care for.   It sounds silly, but I miss talking about going places and pretending and dreaming.   And reliving the few times we were able to get away.   Those are precious memories.  

I worked with someone who quit her job, sold her house, and bought an RV. Gutsy move; I could never do it

[RichS]

9 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I can't identify a trigger but it's overwhelming. I'm in a place I know everyone here can relate to wanting to be with and talk to her. It's such a lonely life without her.

These feelings come and go like strong thunderstorms. Somehow we manage to survive them, but at the same time can sometimes make us feel like emotional wriecks.

[Boggled]

10 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

This is a night for no specific reason I'm feeling desperation. Just watching an old Deep Space Nine and this came out of nowhere. It's not the show because I would be watching this here in the living room while Vickie would be watching her crime shows on the porch. I can't identify a trigger but it's overwhelming. I'm in a place I know everyone here can relate to wanting to be with and talk to her. It's such a lonely life without her.

WithoutHer, I'm so sorry!  

Sometimes the acting on those Deep Space Nine Star Treks can be so very good.   I was watching once a part where that beautiful blond woman with the incredible figure had fallen for some semi-human who decided he had to die ... and he made himself die somehow, and her acting ... the way her face looked ... was soooo very good ... I freaked ... sometimes slang like "freaked" is the closest you can get to how it feels.   I con't forget it because that's when one of those things we're not supposed to talk about except in the spiritual section happened.   

It's okay, WithoutHer, it's okay.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I worked with someone who quit her job, sold her house, and bought an RV. Gutsy move; I could never do it

There was someone on one of my grief forums (this or another) that did that also, a woman, younger than me, but I didn't have the guts in my 50s, let alone now!  I can think of all the things that can go wrong w/o my George...he always knew how to handle things.  Sigh.  God I miss him!

[teekly]

I definitely feel like I'm in my own private grief world. It's coming up on 4 months for me and I find myself spiraling downward as the actual anniversary of her death approaches. All I can remember are the last 48 hours of her life, she passed at home. While it was what she wanted and I'm grateful that I was able to grant her wish, it was the worst experience to watch her die. Nobody I know has lost their partner, so while people want to help, they don't know how. That's why I joined this forum, at least you all know how hard this is. I find comfort in reading others experiences.

[KayC]

Welcome here!  You have found a caring community that wants to support you and assure you we get it and understand, we've all been there.

It helps to come here to read and post!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

2 hours ago, teekly said:

Nobody I know has lost their partner, so while people want to help, they don't know how. That's why I joined this forum, at least you all know how hard this is. I find comfort in reading others experiences.

Welcome to our board! You've come to the right place. Here you'll find others who get what you're going through. We're here to support and encourage each other every day. Hope that you'll continue to post here.

[KayC]

In time you will be supported by memories of your life together...they will bring you comfort instead of the pain they do now.

[teekly]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

In time you will be supported by memories of your life together...they will bring you comfort instead of the pain they do now.

Thanks KayC and RichS, that's my hope, but that feels so unattainable right now. I appreciate the encouragement.

[KayC]

It takes some time, quite a bit of it, but it'll get there.  Everyone's unique and so is their timeline.  I hear quite a few in the five year range.  I know, that sounds like forever when you don't know how you'll make a year, but somehow one day turns into another and it'll come.

[RichS]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

It takes some time, quite a bit of it, but it'll get there.  Everyone's unique and so is their timeline.  I hear quite a few in the five year range.  I know, that sounds like forever when you don't know how you'll make a year, but somehow one day turns into another and it'll come.

I feel like I'm heading down that timeline. The days, weeks and months go by and the desire to continue to move forward (beyond what I've already done) doesn't seem to change.

[DWS]

8 hours ago, RichS said:

I feel like I'm heading down that timeline. The days, weeks and months go by and the desire to continue to move forward (beyond what I've already done) doesn't seem to change.

This seems to be where I'm at. I'm doing okay working around the house on small projects and keeping to myself but still have no desire at all to socialize or plan get-togethers with others. I kinda look at the socializing thing as the key barrier to moving forward...although, on the other hand, perhaps I'm giving it too much importance. All I know is that yesterday I came up with this totally absurd summary that I'm tired of my constant aloneness but have no desire to do something to change it. And it is aloneness rather than loneliness. I'm still lonely for my partner Tom but not lonely for other's company. It's all so damn complex and asinine! One could come to the conclusion that grief doesn't make much sense but then I suppose that's true about love as well!!!

[KayC]

I ran across this article...Alone vs Lonely.
Usually I'm okay alone, I need some time out around others, which I get in church and Kodie's play dates, but for the most part I do okay alone.  But always, always, always I miss my husband, no matter how many years go by and there is no word for that except missing them.  We were always together heart and soul.  Nothing pacifies that.

 

[RichS]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I'm still lonely for my partner Tom but not lonely for other's company.

Substitute the word CHRIS for TOM as that's exactly how I feel...........................

[HisMunchkin]

I have in my hand a copy of my husband's certified death certificate with the cause of death included.  I've been procrastinating on opening the letter.  It gives me anxiety.....

[RichS]

2 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I have in my hand a copy of my husband's certified death certificate with the cause of death included.  I've been procrastinating on opening the letter.  It gives me anxiety.....

Since we all grieve at our own pace, open it whenever you feel a little more comfortable doing it.

[KayC]

Unless you need to take it to the bank or somewhere, why open it?  Some are anxiously awaiting cause of death, those should open theirs.

[teekly]

9 hours ago, DWS said:

 All I know is that yesterday I came up with this totally absurd summary that I'm tired of my constant aloneness but have no desire to do something to change it. And it is aloneness rather than loneliness. I'm still lonely for my partner ,but not lonely for other's company. 

I couldn't agree with this more, there's no one I want to be with except Kelly 💔

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

17 hours ago, KayC said:

Usually I'm okay alone, I need some time out around others, which I get in church and Kodie's play dates, but for the most part I do okay alone. 

That is me right now.  I am okay by myself for the most part, doing hobby stuff or other things at home.  I interact with people as needed when I volunteer or go the base exchange or even the doctor.  I have certain friends that I can call on for their company.  The only person I want to be around can’t be here anymore.

When I received Veronica’s DC, I held it next to her birth cert, and thought to myself here are the two bookends to her life.  

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

here are the two bookends to her life.  

Wow, I never thought of it like that, but that does sum it up.  Bookends to their lives.

[ImMomma]

On 5/30/2024 at 9:50 PM, widower2 said:

I worked with someone who quit her job, sold her house, and bought an RV. Gutsy move; I could never do it

She has passion!  I could never do that either.  I think its great for those who can & do.  I tend to make big decisions likethat based on fear though.  I left my home, my home state & my friends and moved across the country for a job. I stayed with my brother and his wife for a few months then decided to go back to school.  But it was becuse there was no work and no future for me where I was & I had a safety-net of sorts where I moved.   

[P777]

20 hours ago, teekly said:

I couldn't agree with this more, there's no one I want to be with except Kelly 💔

Same here, my Wife was, and is everything to me. I was in heaven being in her company. Even when I am with people I feel alone. Infact I feel less alone when I'm by myself. Although I am extremely fortunate to have our Son.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

13 hours ago, P777 said:

Even when I am with people I feel alone. In fact I feel less alone when I'm by myself.

I know exactly how you feel.  But that second part about feeling less alone by yourself is something I had not been able to identify.  As some previous comments touched on, I’m okay by myself.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

June 2 2023 - I had to take Veronica to the ER.  Sucks because I thought she didn’t come home afterward.  From there my mind went into what else could I have done, should I have done it sooner, all kinds of ideas causing me to beat myself over the head with more what-ifs and what-abouts.  Had to tell myself it doesn’t matter anymore.  My bride is at peace now, resting free of all the health stuff she was dealing with in life.  

[RichS]

11 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

From there my mind went into what else could I have done, should I have done it sooner, all kinds of ideas causing me to beat myself over the head with more what-ifs and what-abouts.

It took me awhile to get through this anxiety myself. I finally realized that I did the best as humanly possible. So did you and all of us on this board. I was just discussing that with my friend's wife yesterday. He's got about two weeks to live from cancer. When you love somebody you always want them to have the very best care; no matter how difficult it may be for us to provide it.

 

[KayC]

Rich, thinking of you as you go through this, very hard, I know.  💜

[DWS]

18 hours ago, P777 said:

Even when I am with people I feel alone. Infact I feel less alone when I'm by myself. 

It's an interesting and true statement...certainly for me it is. I think it's because we all have this important need to tend to the memories and recollections of our partners and spouses. It's necessary that we keep with those and secure them to our hearts. And I see it as one of the key mistakes that the outer world makes when it comes to grief and loss. There's this belief that the griever should be around people and kept busy but for those of us truly dealing with the void and emptiness, we eventually discover that it's our memories than help soothe us. There are times when I don't want anything or anyone to distract me from them. 

[RichS]

27 minutes ago, DWS said:

There's this belief that the griever should be around people and kept busy but for those of us truly dealing with the void and emptiness, we eventually discover that it's our memories than help soothe us. There are times when I don't want anything or anyone to distract me from them.

It's actually a balance between TWO EXTREMES: Living like a hermit, or being a social butterfly. Each one of us has to find our own comfort level.

[P777]

10 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I know exactly how you feel.  But that second part about feeling less alone by yourself is something I had not been able to identify.  As some previous comments touched on, I’m okay by myself.  

My Wife passed suddenly and unexpectedly (as of now still don't know the cause of death, this could take 6 months to find out at least).

I beat myself up, about all kinds of things. Especially why I couldn't save her with CPR.  But also things I may have said to her on the years we were together, which I didn't mean. I even said this to her at the time and apologized. 99 percentage of our marriage and time together was amazing. I have come to the realization that it was just her time to go, nobody on this planet could have prevented it from happening.

My faith is extremely strong. I pray every day, but not for my Wife, she is in heaven, I know this. I pray for those who has lost or is suffering in any way, be it family, friends or anyone who needs prays in the world.

[HisMunchkin]

I opened the death certificate with the cause of death.  All it said was, "Prostate Cancer".  No details, though the same doctor who wrote it did tell me, on the day of his death, that it was likely arrhythmia that eventually led to cardiac arrest since his blood potassium level was very high.  Shortly before his death, he told the nurse that he was having some pain (chest?) and couldn't breathe.  They gave him some morphine, and not long afterwards, he passed away.  I don't really remember exactly what she said over the phone that day cause I was in shock - didn't expect him to go so fast.  Anyway.......  I can't help but feel horrible at the thought that he was in pain and couldn't breathe and I couldn't be by his side, but what can I do?  The most I can do is try not to think about it. 

[DWS]

16 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I opened the death certificate with the cause of death.  All it said was, "Prostate Cancer". 

There's still so much for you to process but, at least for now, you've given yourself relief from the nagging anticipation of the contents in the envelope. All of these things are so stressful on our poor hearts. 

[Gail 8588]

@HisMunchkin I am so sorry for how bad you feel for not being by his side at the end.  I think this was a terrible part of grief for so many who lost loved ones during the pandemic.  

Try to just focus on the fact that he knew how much you loved him.  He loves you still. 

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

I think it's because we all have this important need to tend to the memories and recollections of our partners and spouses. It's necessary that we keep with those and secure them to our hearts. And I see it as one of the key mistakes that the outer world makes when it comes to grief and loss. There's this belief that the griever should be around people and kept busy but for those of us truly dealing with the void and emptiness, we eventually discover that it's our memories than help soothe us. There are times when I don't want anything or anyone to distract me from them. 

Yesterday was the two-year anniversary of Steve's death date.  I had decided, even though Steve really didn't think burning candles in the house was a good idea (dangerous), that in recognition of the date, I would light a candle.  It was hard, trying to figure what to do! to mark the date ... mostly for myself!  I went through the drawers in the bathroom and looked at a bunch of his stuff, and cried.  Crying ... crying ... crying ... (as I'm doing now) ... seems to be a straight expression right out of the heart.  And I had intended to open a box I'd received, and didn't.  Really, I just wanted to be alone and communing with myself.  I've been noticing "home calling me," which is how it seems to me, when I'm out and around other people ... but as you've said, DWS, I guess it's not so much me being a homebody, as just wanting to get back!  to being here and being away from other people!  who'd-a-thunk-it.  Me, the person who felt so very keenly the silence and emptiness at the beginning, now wanting to get back to it!

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

He loves you still. 

Absolutely!  Our bodies may give out but our love continues, I feel this strongly, even all these years later.

 

[LMR]

11 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I opened the death certificate with the cause of death.  All it said was, "Prostate Cancer".  No details, though the same doctor who wrote it did tell me, on the day of his death, that it was likely arrhythmia that eventually led to cardiac arrest 

they have a funny way of filling these out.

My husband's said his death was caused by a fall but that had happened two months earlier. What he actually died of was sepsis, unrelated to his surgery incision. I queried it and was told they always use the initial event regardless of what happens afterwards. So in fact if you were in hospital with tonsilitis and caught covid you'd have died of complications from tonsilitis, covid wouldn't even get a mention. At least that's what they told me. I'm not sure if it isn't part of a cover up since neglect was a big factor

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

Yesterday was the two-year anniversary of Steve's death date.  I had decided, even though Steve really didn't think burning candles in the house was a good idea (dangerous), that in recognition of the date, I would light a candle.  It was hard, trying to figure what to do! to mark the date ... mostly for myself!  I went through the drawers in the bathroom and looked at a bunch of his stuff, and cried.  Crying ... crying ... crying ... (as I'm doing now) ... seems to be a straight expression right out of the heart.  And I had intended to open a box I'd received, and didn't.  Really, I just wanted to be alone and communing with myself. 

These huge anniversaries are a killer themselves! The anticipation as the day approaches...the pressure we put on ourselves to do something to commemorate...the ideas go back and forth. After all of the valiant planning that takes place in my head, I've found it just to be a day to stand in utter disbelief that another year has passed and yet, even when time has its way of separating us, I still feel his closeness. Glad you got through it the best way you could. 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

they have a funny way of filling these out.

My husband's said his death was caused by a fall but that had happened two months earlier. What he actually died of was sepsis, unrelated to his surgery incision. I queried it and was told they always use the initial event regardless of what happens afterwards. So in fact if you were in hospital with tonsilitis and caught covid you'd have died of complications from tonsilitis, covid wouldn't even get a mention. At least that's what they told me. I'm not sure if it isn't part of a cover up since neglect was a big factor

Undoubtedly.

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

they have a funny way of filling these out.

My husband's said his death was caused by a fall but that had happened two months earlier. What he actually died of was sepsis, unrelated to his surgery incision. I queried it and was told they always use the initial event regardless of what happens afterwards. So in fact if you were in hospital with tonsilitis and caught covid you'd have died of complications from tonsilitis, covid wouldn't even get a mention. At least that's what they told me. I'm not sure if it isn't part of a cover up since neglect was a big factor

His second, and last hospitalization was due to covid that he caught while being in the hospital the first time due to complications with his cancer and treatment. 

 

I had a dream about my husband last night.  It was kind of weird.  We were on some sort of star ship, like something out of Star Trek.  He was lying on a carpeted floor, not moving, and we had to evacuate the ship cause it was going down.  I couldn't move him, so I laid down next to him, put my arm around him and told him that I'll stay with him and we'll go down together.  Then he started moving, and then somehow a big man came and saved us - carried him to a safe ship.  Then we cuddled, and then a doctor saw him and said that he's cured of cancer!.....  Wouldn't that be nice.  Anyway, weird dream, but good that I got to cuddle with him.

[Sar123]

It’s been 1.5 years now since my husband passed. I have family members and friends who have told me, “it’s time for you to move on.”  I correct them and say, “we move forward, and we bring our loved ones who have passed with us.” I still have days where grief will swallow me up. I  just have to go with it and hope tomorrow will be a better day- it usually is. What they don’t always understand is that there is no “finish line” to grief. It’s part of who I am now.

I like this quote. I feel this is where I’m at. 

“We don’t move on. We move forward. Sometimes with their things. Sometimes with their knowledge. Sometimes just with the knowledge that they truly love us.” 

[widower2]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

It’s been 1.5 years now since my husband passed. I have family members and friends who have told me, “it’s time for you to move on.”  I correct them and say, “we move forward, and we bring our loved ones who have passed with us.”

Well put. If I was crazy rich, I'd be putting out ads on national TV about stuff like this. For example: "Don't ever say to a loved one 'it's time to move on.' That is a idiotic thing to say..."  (etc) 

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Sar123 said:

“We don’t move on. We move forward. Sometimes with their things. Sometimes with their knowledge. Sometimes just with the knowledge that they truly love us.” 

I have learned to CARRY THIS, live with it, I have never "moved on."  Such an improper term!  I love that you correct them!

[teekly]

15 hours ago, widower2 said:

Don't ever say to a loved one 'it's time to move on.' That is a idiotic thing to say..

it is an idiotic thing to say. I corrected a coworker who said to me, one month after my wife died by the way, 

"I'm so glad you're back to normal."  I guess I had made it through that day without crying, but I told them, 

I'll never be back to normal, my wife is gone. 

Some people mean well, but they really don't get it.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, teekly said:

Some people mean well, but they really don't get it.

You are so right.

[RichS]

5 hours ago, teekly said:

Some people mean well, but they really don't get it.

Until they experience the same thing themselves. Those on this board have been on both sides of the fence..............

[DWS]

15 hours ago, teekly said:

I corrected a coworker who said to me, one month after my wife died by the way, 

"I'm so glad you're back to normal."  I guess I had made it through that day without crying, but I told them, 

I'll never be back to normal, my wife is gone. 

Some people mean well, but they really don't get it.

This is what makes the loss and the grief so much more difficult than it already is. Not only are we dealing with overwhelming emptiness, confusion and distress but we also can end up feeling desolate and frightened by those around us who we're left with that don't seem to really understand our individual pain. I think of it as being cast out to an island....an island of grief. 

[KayC]

To me, the loss of friends overnight greatly compounded my grief, on top of losing him, I had to deal with financial hardship, loss of income, physical symptoms (edema), etc.  My brain was whirling...

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

To me, the loss of friends overnight greatly compounded my grief, on top of losing him, I had to deal with financial hardship, loss of income, physical symptoms (edema), etc.  My brain was whirling...

That's why you've been heading up this board for so many years. Your struggles show us that we're not the only ones going through this over the long run.