Random thoughts

[KayC]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

except her chair and her side of the bed

In time it dissipates, but it takes longer than I can remember...his empty chair brought me pain esp. when we had family get togethers and ate there, I no longer use the dining room table except when my son visits, and then one of the grandkids fills the chair, it's been over a year.

His side of the bed...that's why I sleep in the recliner with my Kodie.  Even after all these years...

[DWS]

17 minutes ago, Boggled said:

This happens to me for the littlest teensy tiny things!  It's some thing that was part and parcel of our life TOGETHER, and the love reaches OUT from that tiny thing, that was part of HIS life...

That happened to me this past week. Not to make this into too long of a story, it involved some computer software that Tom gave me a few years ago. He had upgraded his and wasn't using the older version so we installed it onto my computer. It made things so much easier for my work and I had been using it occasionally for three years until a couple of weeks ago when upon opening it, a window popped up asking me to start a "free trial" of the software.

I was lost at to why this was now occurring after all this time. I made an effort to get to the bottom of things two days ago. Spent half the day googling and researching...wondered if somehow another program overwrote it. Finally, I found a number to call for support and was told that they started to expire licenses of the older versions of this software. They could renew it but this meant going into the original registration. Ugh!!! Out of exasperation, I said it could be under my partner's name and found myself telling her his name and email address....and it didn't match what they had. Then I thought it likely was under Tom's brother-in-law's name because they were in business together. Just started going down this awful road that I just didn't even expect to go on....so I thanked her and hung up. 

It's such a little thing but I remember when he installed it on my computer. I remember being so glad that I had it....and yes, this was all associated with him. 

 

[Boggled]

It happens so fast.  In a moment.  In the twinkling of an eye.  The "thing" that reminds, the love reaching ... then BAM the overwhelming sorrow.   so fast.  Emotional response and transition is so very very VERY  fast.  ( I THINK )

[Jemiga70]

On 10/28/2023 at 1:30 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

But why did the emotions hit name so hard today?  Then I realized today is 4 months since my bride went to sleep.

You're not alone in this, Rey.  Similar thing has happened to me several times over the past two and a half years.  In fact it happened earlier this month.  Woke up October 3rd overwhelmed by sadness/hopelessness.  I was drinking particularly heavily that day trying to quell the emotions.  This was out of character for me; I didn't know why I was feeling so glum and drinking in the afternoon.  Wasnt till the next day I realized the significance of the date (my wife passed on the 3rd).  That explained it.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

6 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

I was drinking particularly heavily that day trying to quell the emotions.  This was out of character for me

I can understand!  That is one thing I have been avoiding, is drinking more than what I consider normal for me.  Most I will have is a couple of beers with my son when he fixes us dinner, or some wine when both my sons are present.  I swore to Veronica I would take care of myself and avoiding drinking too much is part of that taking care of myself.  But I do know what you are talking about, I have been tempted so many times.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I spent time this evening with some good friends, retired Navy, that we have know for years.  It is very hard for me to even think of doing anything without Veronica, but these friends were always there for when Veronica needed anything, checking up on her, visiting from time to time over the years.  It was bittersweet, needing their company but at the same time missing her the entire time and wishing she could be there with me, with us.  There are times where I need to get out of the house, they were there for me to do that, and most times I just want to be alone, and they also understand that.  😪

[KayC]

I'm glad you got to see your friends, they sound like good ones.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Did an early (8-12 am) shift today with the Red Cross. Had to wake up early and insert myself into the I-15 North traffic on the way to the distribution center. Have not done that since 2015 when I stopped working to become Veronica's fulltime caretaker.  Was actually not as bad as I anticipated.  I was fully alert after my first run about 8:15. End of shift, going home, memories hit. Veronica and I used to get up early for her morning medical appointments, then when she was done with the doctors, we would go have breakfast/brunch at Denny's or Broken Yolk. How I miss those breakfast dates with Veronica so much right now!

[Boggled]

another random thought, hoping this helps, I'm listening now, have been wondering if this "vagus nerve" might be the "thing" under my heart that has been making my heart the victim of pain:

 

[Boggled]

I'm in month 17 now, oddly on Nov. 2nd, I was noticing, "hey, it's QUIET around here!"  ... as though I hadn't noticed it for quite a long time.  then I wondered, has this grief been keeping me a sort of company?  or has it been YOU, Steve?  

Anyway, that noticing of quiet has subsided again.  peculiar.  

[Boggled]

On looking for books about grief, this site has a rather different way of arranging books, it appears.  

At the bottom (if you can see it) (I'm using a PC) there are more books.

A Widow's Story book by Joyce Carol Oates (thriftbooks.com)

[RichS]

For me the grieving gets "quiet" when I'm busy. It's vibrating all over the place when I'm alone and in a quiet place. It kind of fluctuates, depending on how my day is going. Also, when the grief moment arrives, it often comes on like a sudden thunderstorm, then eventually passes. Pleasant places and things will often remind me of Chris.

[KayC]

It's odd things that triggers mine, I go along fine and then when I'm going through something (like now) it hits afresh.  Yep, even after all these years!  With the hand injuries, with Covid, those brought it up, whenever I'm going through something...I know he'd care and he'd help.  But he's not here.

[Roxeanne]

40 minutes ago, KayC said:

.I know he'd care and he'd help.  But he's not here.

I understand Kay...we will miss always them! We would have faced our  problems  with them...so bad is to be alone in troubles times!

Hope you heal soon hugs Roxi

[DWS]

Random observation yesterday while I watched another episode of Murder She Wrote. A woman's loving husband had been murdered with a kitchen knife. Jessica Fletcher calls up the widow a few days later and asks how she's doing. The widow replies "better...keeping busy helps". 

I watched an episode of Columbo the night before. This time, it's a young woman's fiancé who is murdered. Columbo calls her and asks how she's doing. She replies "oh, I'm doing better now, thanks". 

I realized how often we heard this type of thing in the entirety of our lives and inadvertently, we learned that that's how it all goes. Your loved ones dies and in a couple of weeks, you're doing "better". We learned it and so did everyone around us learn it. We never questioned it. It's only now, upon hearing the bereaved widow or widower say "better...keeping busy helps", that I send out a loud "bullshit! How could you be??!"

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Quote

“For me the grieving gets "quiet" when I'm busy. It's vibrating all over the place when I'm alone and in a quiet place. It kind of fluctuates, depending on how my day is going. Also, when the grief moment arrives, it often comes on like a sudden thunderstorm, then eventually passes. Pleasant places and things will often remind me of Chris.”

That’s how it is with me.  Busy doing stuff “quiets” the grief, but sometimes even when I am busy something pops up that reminds me Veronica is not here anymore, because of of something we would be doing together but can’t anymore.  Took a walk to Autozone to get stuff for the garage, and on the way back a wave of emotion hit when I was almost home.  Just one of those things where I am walking slowly to the house and I know she is not there.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Life insurance.  Good when you need it, if you can get.  One of Veronica’s life insurance companies sent a check that arrived to day via USPS.  I thought I was done with this stuff when the final arrangements were done.  I guess there was funds that needed disbursed to settle her account.  I don’t want the money.  If sending this check back would bring her back to me, I would send it all back in a heartbeat.  I know, I know, that is not possible.  But getting this check really made the day suck today.  😪  Another reminder, you know?  

[widower2]

I didn't have that issue, but I get that  

For me I'm more thinking about health insurance. It's that time of year in our company to review our coverage and make changes if we want. I had a PPO, great coverage but expensive, so I downshifted to a much less expensive plan. I hope I don't regret it! 

 

 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, DWS said:

I realized how often we heard this type of thing in the entirety of our lives and inadvertently, we learned that that's how it all goes. Your loved ones dies and in a couple of weeks, you're doing "better". We learned it and so did everyone around us learn it. We never questioned it. It's only now, upon hearing the bereaved widow or widower say "better...keeping busy helps", that I send out a loud "bullshit! How could you be??!"

For all that the British and other UK countries talk about being and are perceived as stoic, move on, be strong, etc., their movies and television shows generally get it “righter” than we do in the US. I can list several and will try to tomorrow when I am not on my phone trying to type with a cat on one arm.😸

But here’s one specific instance from Silent Witness after a main character Leo, who is the head of the department, loses his wife and daughter. He’s been on leave for a few months because that’s actually normal there. Back at work, he’s struggling and his emotions are all over the place. His subordinates keep offering unsolicited advice and opinions, which he responds to about as well as you’d expect (knowing what we do). Ultimately, they call him on how his unpredictable behavior is affecting their work:

Leo:  I'm sorry. I haven't been, a...very pleasant, or a helpful person to be around recently.

Harry:  We know what you've been going through.

Leo:  Well, you don't, actually, but never mind about that.

I wanted to come back to work, I needed to do things. And that's why I'm here and...

There are bad days, good days and there are bloody awful days. And I'm sorry that's tough on you and Nikki.

Oh, I also know you're both more than capable professionals.

At the same time, you have to understand that this is my grief.

So yeah, go ahead, shout at me, um...disagree with me and tell me if I'm being impossible, but please don't tell me how to mourn.

 

[widower2]

I have yet to see a Hollywood movie that gets it right about grief. 

[DWS]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

I have yet to see a Hollywood movie that gets it right about grief. 

The only television series that I felt got it right was "Monk". Throughout its entire eight seasons, we're continually reminded of the main character's grief. There are always scenes of Monk staring at his deceased wife's photo and reminisces of their time together. Both of his assistants that he hired to help him with his detective business fully respected his grief as well as his former police captain. They never dismissed it and rarely questioned it. It was fortunate for me that Canada's Vision TV ran the syndicated series a few months after the loss of my partner. It was one of the very few things that I found some comfort from and was heartbroken when they cancelled it after a year's run. I don't have Netflix so was never able to watch Ricky Gervais' "After Life" series but it sounds intriguing. 

[Alisond]

On 8/28/2023 at 5:39 AM, shawnt said:

The term your looking for is "I am not wrecked today"

There is no way to prove reality, are we someone else's dream, a simulation?

Don't think to hard about it because it doesn't matter, real or not, this is our life and we have to live it.

I can still feel my wife's hand in mine and sometimes on waking I can feel the weight of her in our bed.

I like that "I am not wrecked today ". It is so appropriate. I  was in the kitchen the other day and I swear I  felt my husband behind me. It was ok- I didn't start crying. Today however is not like that. I  can't stop crying. I can barely breathe. I  just want his arms around me telling me it will all be ok.

I  am definitely wrecked today.

[Alisond]

On 8/28/2023 at 11:42 AM, Boggled said:

One random thought I've had is that over the time in which we engaged in relationship with our loved ones, we developed a sort of "radio tuning" to that person.  Like we are constantly tuned in to them.  And the tuning carries right on past their "bodily death," right on into wherever they've gone.   

Wow! Radio tuning. My husband and I lived apart for the last 10 years of our marriage because of work. We would text often and speak  every day. There was this knowledge that we were together in our hearts, our heads, and our souls. Radio transmission. A constant connection.Even 2700 miles away.

Now he's gone and that connection has of course changed. I can't reach his channel anymore.  (I wonder if I'll ever stop crying when I say his name). I  still talk to him, but the transmission is questionable.

[LMR]

On 11/5/2023 at 1:18 PM, DWS said:

The only television series that I felt got it right was "Monk". Throughout its entire eight seasons, we're continually reminded of the main character's grief. There are always scenes of Monk staring at his deceased wife's photo and reminisces of their time together. Both of his assistants that he hired to help him with his detective business fully respected his grief as well as his former police captain. They never dismissed it and rarely questioned it. It was fortunate for me that Canada's Vision TV ran the syndicated series a few months after the loss of my partner. It was one of the very few things that I found some comfort from and was heartbroken when they cancelled it after a year's run. I don't have Netflix so was never able to watch Ricky Gervais' "After Life" series but it sounds intriguing. 

The one I found that helped was NCIS. The main character Gibbs lost his wife and daughter. He carries on, he even has relationships but his wife is always there in the background. He sleeps on the sofa because he can't bring himself to use their bed. There have been characters killed off that was handled sensitively and also some of the music. Be Still by the Fray is one that sticks in my mind. 

[Alisond]

On 8/28/2023 at 9:39 AM, Gator M said:

When you had a soulmate and now you don't, the realization that the comfort and contentment you once had is gone was/is daunting to me.  

I was blessed to have been married to Ann for almost 20 years and to have been her friend for 24.  However, I know it will never be the same.  

My goal is to try and make it less sucky than it is now.  As bad as I have felt, that's a very low bar.    Though I know it will get better, it will never be what it was...That is until we are reunited with our Lord.   

I am now becoming, "that guy".  The lonesome loser...the loneliness is driving him crazy.  Beaten by the Queen of Hearts.  The guy that lost it all and never really recovered. 

What is really sad...I'm not the only one.  I'm praying for us all.  

 

 

Less sucky. Yep.

I understand the loneliness and longing for what was. I am not the looking back kinda person, but now the past seems to occupy too much of my thoughts. It feels to me like I'm trying to keep from drowning; as if I am swimming to the water's surface, but can't break through.

So yes sucky.Perhaps a low bar,  but  better than none.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Well, I survived another one of those “firsts” yesterday.  November 7 was my bride, Veronica's birthday.  Was not sure what to do.  Got up early to do an 8-12 driving shift with the Red Cross.  Then went and got flowers and a card for her like I always did before.  Wrote out the card.  Hardest thing I ever had to write next to her eulogy for her memorial.  Took the flowers to Miramar National Cemetery and sat with her for about an hour.  Cried.  Talked to her about things.  Cried some more.  Told her I didn’t want go home without her.  Cried.  But then I really had to go home because closing time.  Joined my sons and daughter-in-law for a burger at Veronica’s favorite burger place.  It was hard.  Her absence was screaming at me.  But I made it through, thanks the company of our kids.  Surviving.  One day at a time.  😪

[KayC]

You honored her, I commend you for that, the flowers, the card, the burger...and I'm sure if she knows, it means a lot to her.

[RichS]

Rey:  I can relate to the pain you're going through. This past year has been my year of firsts as well. Last Christmas, it wasn't Christmas Day that was so upsetting; it was setting up our tree. Chris used to do most of the work. She wanted it to look just right. It was a form of grieving; having to do something she enjoyed doing. Next came Mother's Day. That one hit us hard. I barely made it through Sunday mass. Two months later, we had a mass said for her on her birthday. While it was honoring and remembering her on her birthday, it felt so strange of a "gift" to her.

Even after 15 months, there are days where I can sadly accept the reality of it all. Then there are other days where I'm still in shock; and wondering how many years I'll have to live like this. The journey continues.................

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Do you all find that, many times, you might be okay being around people, you just don’t want to be with with them?  I am paraphrasing from Megan Devine’s book on grief.  I read that in her book and I am am thinking “yes, exactly, this is me!”  This is my mood most of the time, most every day.  

[RichS]

Rey:  I’m a talker by nature. Talking has always been good therapy, most of the time. There are times where I just don’t feel like talking to anybody. I just want to be alone with my thoughts. If someone contacts me during this time, I’ll talk with them; and I usually snap out of my mood.

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Do you all find that, many times, you might be okay being around people, you just don’t want to be with with them? 

This is certainly me. I think it's likely to do with our need to keep processing our loss. Unless we are lucky enough to have a friend or two around us who are in similar situations of grieving and fully understanding, most of our processing can only be done alone. Being around others distracts us from it. Sometimes, we do need to take a break and that's where others can help. But in regards to processing my loss, I sometimes feel that I'm still at the beginning even though it's been over 20 months now. With my partner, there was contentment, stability, balance, satisfaction and security. Now I have none of that...just silence and continual bewilderment. I need my alone time to process and try to find peace and some balance again. 

[widower2]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Do you all find that, many times, you might be okay being around people, you just don’t want to be with with them? 

? Not sure I follow. You mean you're OK being in a crowd, but not there with anyone you know?

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

Not sure I follow. You mean you're OK being in a crowd, but not there with anyone you know?

Not necessarily in a crowd, but just being around people in general.  For example, my volunteer job at the Red Cross allows me to interact with people minimally, enough to let me know there are people I need to communicate with, but not get close to.  They help distract me from my grief.  Like DWS says sometimes we need a break from feeling loss and others around us can help.  But most times I just want to be left to myself, with my grief.  One of my retired Navy friends, in response to the same question, tells me he picked up a part time job stocking goods in a store.  He says it works for him because he just does his job and does not have to talk to anyone other than for the job, and it keeps him busy.  Does that make sense?

[KayC]

Yes, almost like superficial interaction.  I had that at my last job, that was ten years ago, also my volunteer work which I did until two years ago.

[shawnt]

There is comfort of a sort to be found with strangers. The anonymity of an  exchange with someone who you will never see again. Bare your soul and know you will never see them again, and sometimes their kindness is overwhelming. It's why I love to travel .

Would have been my loves 53rd birthday today, I am a little off kilter and not sure what to do.

[KayC]

It's hard.  Thinking of you today.  I remember the first time I went through it, almost a year into his death.
Birthday of loved one

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Another “first” of sorts.  Decided I need to get off my behind and get estate planning stuff done.  One of those ideas that lurked in the back of my mind, sort of, we need to get this will and other things done before it’s “too late.”  Anyway, found an estate lawyer on-line, great reviews and All.  Sent an email to set up initial meeting.  In the email I referred to myself as a recent “widower.”  Had never applied that term to myself before this afternoon.  😪  New reality really bites.

[RichS]

Quote

There are times when filling out forms, applications, Questionnaires, etc. where they combine “divorced/widower” into the same marital status. Call it a pet peeve of mine, but I find that annoying.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

There are times when filling out forms, applications, Questionnaires, etc. where they combine “divorced/widower” into the same marital status.

WHAT?!!!  First time I noticed we don't have a wow to check off!  Oddly it doesn't show who/where you quoted this from.  Normally it takes you back to it when you click on it.

But seriously, how would THEY like to lose the love of their life and be faced with this choice!!!

[RichS]

14 minutes ago, KayC said:

WHAT?!!!  First time I noticed we don't have a wow to check off!  Oddly it doesn't show who/where you quoted this from.  Normally it takes you back to it when you click on it.

Kay:  I must have hit the wrong button or something. I normally respond to these threads from my desktop; but this morning I had to do it from my laptop (REASON: Salem decided to take a snooze in my lap. :))

 

[KayC]

I get it, if I'm on my cellphone instead of my laptop, well, there's just some things I can't do.

[foreverhis]

22 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

That’s not good - it is hardly the same thing. Widower and divorced should definitely have separate lines. I don’t think I’ve filled any forms yet - not looking forward to that.

The worst for me is when "Widowed" isn't even an option.  It will be Single, Married, or Divorced.  Well, I'm none of those.  Though I feel married and think of myself that way, the legalities require a different answer.  I will cross out either Single or Married and write in Widowed.

When I was on the phone arranging for my small retirement benefit from my old company to start, the representative was very helpful and filled out a bunch of information while we were talking.  He knew I had lost John because it was right there in the system, so when he came to the marital status question, he apologized and said, "I'm sorry, but I'm required to ask are you single or married?" Even after a bit more than 5 years, my brain stuttered and I said something like, "Oh, well, I'm...um,uh...single."  I felt a bit ridiculous, but he was very considerate.  Still, they really should take into account how many of us in retirement might have lost our spouses and have trouble answering without crying.

[widower2]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 I will cross out either Single or Married and write in Widowed.

Love it!

[KayC]

I think even the IRS' forms have a box for it, but it's been so long since I've done my own I can't recall what the options were.  Still, it hits regardless.  

[LMR]

This week we had to fill out a UK govt survey for our household. I too had to select widow, but at least it was a separate category. It then proceeded to ask me how satisfied I am with my life on a 1 to 10 basis, and how  happy I am. Nowhere can you clarify anything yet it seemed misleading to say what I feel right now. What a waste of resources. Whatever they are trying to achieve the results are going to be skewed. 

[KayC]

If this was optional, I'd decline.  I never tell a health provider anything about depression because once in your records, always there and I don't feel grieving is the same category as clinical depression.  Marty from my other griefsite gets it, she has a degree in Thanatology and spent her life as a grief counselor.  But not many would understand.  I just feel the less our gov't knows about us the better, imo.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

It then proceeded to ask me how satisfied I am with my life on a 1 to 10 basis, and how  happy I am. Nowhere can you clarify anything yet it seemed misleading to say what I feel right now. What a waste of resources. Whatever they are trying to achieve the results are going to be skewed. 

It sounds like an easy way for the government to gather the results (from whoever filled out the form) and report it on the media in the future. You're right about the mood. What if someone is having a particularly good or bad week when they answer the question? Most likely the public will see the results, shrug their shoulders and move on with their lives.

[DWS]

Today's random thought is an idiom that I've relied on for years: "Expect the unexpected". Well, the unexpected just arrived by mail on my doorstep in a plain cardboard box with only a mailing label on it. I was hesitant to open it because I had no idea what could be inside but I did and found a gift box of fancy teas from a Canadian company named DavidsTea.  There is no card or note or message of any kind telling me who sent it. Looking at the mailing label again, I see that it was sent directly from the company so somebody (???) ordered it online and had it shipped to me. 

Right now, I'm feeling a bit flabbergasted. I haven't a clue who would have thoughtfully gifted this to me....and strangely enough, today marks 21 months since Tom passed away so I've been feeling quite down again. The gift itself is rather extravagant and a bit expensive for what it is...24 individual bags of tea housed within an elaborate folded box set. I have friends in my past that I could see dabbling in these types of gifts but why me and why now?? Hopefully, I eventually get some type of clue to this mystery. Whoever sent it definitely surprised me and lifted me out of my state of gloominess. 

[KayC]

Well you are well deserving!  I hope you get an answer (maybe call the company tomorrow?) but even if you don't, you know someone out there is thinking  of you!

I haven't heard from my kids and that's a little disconcerting, but I want to focus on positive today and be thankful for whatever little things I discover today! ❤️

[DWS]

51 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope you get an answer (maybe call the company tomorrow?)

I thought of doing that but then wondered if a company would give out that type of information these days....however, this is something where I can't just let mystery be either!