Random thoughts

[widower2]

Folks, friendly reminder: please keep afterlife/spiritual/etc discussions at this section of the site: https://forums.grieving.com/forum/7-spiritualreligious-beliefs/

Thanks! 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Gator M said:

Grief was described to me as an old injury.  You may heal but are you ever really the same?  And do you ever forget?...as you now walk with that slight limp. 

In one of Nora McInerny's TED Talks, she talks about that very thing multiple times:

"...because these are the experiences that mark us and make us just as much as the joyful ones and just as permanently."

"...Once it's your grief and your front row at the funeral,  you get it.  You understand that what you're experiencing is not a moment in time, it's not a bone that will reset, but that you've been touched by something chronic, something incurable.  It's not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be...What can we do other than to try to remind one another that some things can't be fixed and not all wounds are meant to heal."

I think it's so important for others to understand this.  We will never "get back to normal" because that world, that normal, no longer exists.  We will never "get over it" or "move on" in the way that some people think we should--or think they would if they've never experienced this kind of loss and grief.  We are forever changed now.  We can (and IMO, should) try to move forward into a different life, not the one we had and the one wanted, but the one we have.  Slowly, so very slowly, we take steps forward carrying our grief and pain, as well as our love and remembered joy.  I hadn't really realized that I had taken many little steps forward until I "looked back" at close to 2 years and felt the changes in me.  I will miss John every day for the rest of my life.  There's no getting around that.  For a long time, I was certain I'd never feel any sort of happiness again in this life.  Yet 5 years on, I have discovered a kind of happiness, different and much smaller to be sure.  Yes, my heart will always walk with a limp and some days it will stumble and fall because it will not and cannot ever be fully mended until it's my time and we are reunited forever.  Some days I remind myself that the very act of standing up and walking slowly forward takes a courage I didn't know I had.

[KayC]

35 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Yet 5 years on, I have discovered a kind of happiness, different and much smaller to be sure. 

As did I.  Not comparable but I've learned comparisons diminish so I don't do that.

[foreverhis]

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

As did I.  Not comparable but I've learned comparisons diminish so I don't do that.

Exactly. Comparing my now to my then is counterproductive.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

A thought hit me like a cold slap in the face this afternoon; there is nothing really to look forward to since my bride passed.  I know it’s best to adopt a one-day-at-a-time concept, but the idea of nothing in the future that I can look to with any sort of anticipation or excitement has left me emotional all afternoon.  Veronica is not here to share any plans with, or create any new adventures.  Today sucked a bit more than usual.  😪

[LMR]

I was watching a morning tv chat show and they had this couple from a dating show. (My mum, your dad). Roger lost his wife 18 months ago, he has now met Janey and was saying how stuck in traffic he would be smiling because he was going to meet Janey. It made me cry.

It reminded me of us. My husband would drive me to work and pick me up later and we would be chatting and laughing and in the cars around us would be solo miserable looking faces. For us those journeys were extra time together which we relished.

[KayC]

And thankfully we have our reunion day to look forward to.  I couldn't have born it otherwise, also with my Arlie and Kitty.  It just seems there's more and more losses, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, my favorite cousin, my closest sisters, my dogs and cats, friends, and the hardest, my husband.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

 I know it’s best to adopt a one-day-at-a-time concept, but the idea of nothing in the future that I can look to with any sort of anticipation or excitement has left me emotional all afternoon.  Veronica is not here to share any plans with, or create any new adventures.  Today sucked a bit more than usual.

I've had a lot of these days, Ray. No fun, for sure. Depression sinks in and you've thrown in the towel for the day. In a strange kind of way, my responsibilities (son, uncle, cat) are sort of a blessing. They keep me at a certain level; or else I'd sit around all day and do nothing.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

I've had a lot of these days, Ray. No fun, for sure. Depression sinks in and you've thrown in the towel for the day. In a strange kind of way, my responsibilities (son, uncle, cat) are sort of a blessing. They keep me at a certain level; or else I'd sit around all day and do nothing.

The depression!  Have never felt depression before, or what people say depression is like.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe last night until I communicated with a couple of dear friends who have also experienced this type of loss.  They were both able to help me relax my mind and breathe again.  I am not the same without Veronica but I still have to be “dad” our two sons.  We don’t have grandkids.  The kids made their life choices and Veronica and I honored their choices.  So I have our 3 cats to take care of.  

As Gator M says, sucky days and less sucky days.  It has been 3 months now since Veronica went to sleep.  Tomorrow is younger son’s birthday, first without his mom.  I’m going to bake him a cake like Veronica used to.  😪

[KayC]

If your heart is beating fast and your mind & heart racing, that's probably a panic attack, I had those too, had to get on something for it, will be on it for life but I was GAD even as a child, just didn't get help for it until 2008, three years after George died.  Should have much sooner.  Buspar/Buspirone, very safe, class of it's own, doesn't alter brain, but takes the edge off so you can cope.

I hope you have a good time with your son and making the cake, I hope it turns out well for you!

[DWS]

11 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

The depression!  Have never felt depression before, or what people say depression is like.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe last night until I communicated with a couple of dear friends who have also experienced this type of loss.  They were both able to help me relax my mind and breathe again.

Thank goodness for your friends to help save you from that moment of despair and darkness. Our minds start racing with such deep loss and even more so in those early months of totally raw emotion. One dark thought leads to another more darker thought  and then to an even darker one after that and before we know it, we've ended up down a rabbit hole leaving us in utter devastation. We all know it so well here.

I learned about breathing techniques to help me in those moments...something I never paid any attention to before in my life but I sure count on them now! I find the 4-7-8 exercise works for me. Here's a video and demonstration for it. When I do this breath work, I find that doing an actual count in my mind is also helpful because it's focusing my mind on it rather than my grief. 

 

[KayC]

I do breathing exercises to help my BP too, found it's improved my singing too!  Got COPD off my medical records, had to fight to get it off for years but finally succeeded.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I get daily encouragement messages from the mortuary that took excellent care of Veronica's final requirements.  These messages are usually pretty good, some excellent in that they speak to me.  Today's was kind of, not strange, but something I didn't quite agree with.  The gist of the message was most people who are grieving tend to forget the events in their lost loved one's life that are not very pleasant, a conflict, or downright bad memories, and thus, the loved one becomes something akin to a saint who did no wrong.  The question becomes why recall those less than perfect aspects of a loved one?  Since they are gone one should only remember the good times, the wonderful aspects of life and love.  For me personally, I can't do that.  Veronica went through many hardships because of her health over the years, some of which made her not very pleasant to be around.  There was a time many years ago when she dealt with mental health issues, which resulted in anger at me and her parents.  I choose not to forget the "rocks and shoals" in our life as those events are what forged our relationship and the life we had together.  I stuck by her through everything without hesitation.  Not everything in our life was "smooth sailing".  I recall the bad times as well the great times because that was what made us "us".  She was not perfect just like I was surly not perfect either.  Love carried us through those hard times to be able to celebrate the good.  That's my personal take on this idea.  Curious as to how anyone else feels about this.  

[KayC]

I feel the same as you and don't sugarcoat our lives, to remember ONLY what is good doesn't seem real to me.  But through it all, I've forgiven what needed forgiven, just as I know he does me.  We weren't perfect, but we were perfect for each other and I miss him.

[LMR]

I have heard this said before about putting our loved ones on a pedestal and I can recall someone complaining about a relative, a lady who did this when her husband was actually quite abusive. I thought I read it here but maybe not.

Nobody is perfect, we all have those moments. I try not to dwell on them because they bring feelings of guilt. Why did this matter? Why didn't I just let this go? And so on. Silly little arguments, thats all they were but still they do niggle.

[DWS]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I choose not to forget the "rocks and shoals" in our life as those events are what forged our relationship and the life we had together.  I stuck by her through everything without hesitation.  Not everything in our life was "smooth sailing".  I recall the bad times as well the great times because that was what made us "us".  She was not perfect just like I was surly not perfect either.  Love carried us through those hard times to be able to celebrate the good.  That's my personal take on this idea.  Curious as to how anyone else feels about this.  

That seems to me to be the right way to do grief if there is such a thing. I came to that understanding a few months ago which I find is more helpful in keeping my partner close to me. He wasn't this angelic, magnificent creature walking about on this earth! (I can hear him disagreeing and also laughing along with me right now.) Keeping this more realistic perspective of him brings him home to me. I remember him and us...the good and the not-so-good. That's why I loved him. We lived life and coped through whatever messy times came about. 

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Veronica went through many hardships because of her health over the years, some of which made her not very pleasant to be around.  There was a time many years ago when she dealt with mental health issues, which resulted in anger at me and her parents.  I choose not to forget the "rocks and shoals" in our life as those events are what forged our relationship and the life we had together.  I stuck by her through everything without hesitation.  Not everything in our life was "smooth sailing".  I recall the bad times as well the great times because that was what made us "us".  She was not perfect just like I was surly not perfect either.  Love carried us through those hard times to be able to celebrate the good.

Rey:

Chris and I went through similar experiences. The last several years of our marriage was dominated by her health issues as well as family obligations. When my Father In Law passed away, my Brother In Law came to live with us for four years. Little did we know at the time that his health was failing as well. We tried our best to care for him. Before he passed away in 2019 Chris' health issues started getting a little more serious. The COVID only made matters worse in that it kept Chris at home because of her leukemia situation. That was frustrating for her since she felt like she was a prisoner of her own home. She also felt guilty that Ross and I had to cut down on many public places outside of home. She sometimes used to say that she didn't mean to be so unhappy, but she had no one else at home to vent her frustrations to but her family.

If I had a magic wand I would have transferred most of her health issues to me. I'm sure others on this board would have done the same thing as well, if they could. Like so many of us, we tend to dwell on those things that happened at the end of our marriage because they're fresh in our minds, I suppose; and I feel guilty because I've been dwelling on them too much lately. I guess that's part of the grieving process; forgetting that we had many loving and cherished moments during our 42 years of marriage. It's also important to mention that a month after Chris passed away, her 94 year old uncle came to live with us because of his age and health issues; and like many of you I try to do everything I can to help my family, but my responsibilities might be slowing down my moving forward with my grieving journey. On the plus side I'm not alone like so many others. There are pluses and minuses to all of this; and balancing it all can be a little overwhelming.

I'm very glad that you brought up this topic, Rey. It's something that I've been thinking a lot about lately and need to resolve in my own mind. Chris and I were always very devoted to each other; and we always worked out any challenges that we had together. For that I feel blessed because I know that some marriages don't have that foundation to begin with. And it's so important to have that. My Father In Law once told me that a marriage is rarely 50/50. After my puzzled look on my face he explained to me that on any given day you might have to give much more than 50% because your partner is struggling in some way. Likewise, there are days when you can't  give anywhere near 50% because of whatever situation you may be going through. That's a piece of wisdom that I've always carried with me.

 

[widower2]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

That seems to me to be the right way to do grief if there is such a thing.

There isn't, and what I mean is it's whatever works for any given person. Some things work for some, another way works for another. In the putting people on a pedestal example, yeah I think that's pretty common, and understandable, but others prefer (esp over time I think) to keep a more honest view of the person's virtues and faults, although probably still erring on the side of virtues... 

[LMR]

New random thought.....This morning I was putting on some make up using my hand mirror. It was double sided but one side fell out and I hadn't fixed it yet. I put it down for a moment then picking it up I was looking at the blank side. I know it's silly but I actually got a shock like I'd disappeared! It's because that's how I feel deep down and this was just affirmation.

I'm back on track now, for the moment, but I do wonder where part of me has gone. Even everyday memories like books I've read and movies I've seen. I remember that I liked them but when I read the plot summary there is not the slightest recognition. I'm not sitting at home alone. I'm living with my sister and I go out with friends but a whole part of me is missing and I don't know how to deal with it.

[KayC]

It does change us.  I'm no longer the person I was prior to George's death.  Oh, I am still me, still born in the same family, same memories, live in the same place, still love Autumn..but I've changed...

[RichS]

7 hours ago, LMR said:

I go out with friends but a whole part of me is missing and I don't know how to deal with it.

I've been reading books and articles about "embracing the new you." Right now, at this stage of my grief, it's like asking me to move from my house into a small, one bedroom apartment. That would be tough to embrace with joy. This adjustment is going to take a long time for me to embrace but hopefully I'll improve on it in the future.

[widower2]

12 hours ago, LMR said:

Even everyday memories like books I've read and movies I've seen. I remember that I liked them but when I read the plot summary there is not the slightest recognition.

I have that sometimes. I look at it as a plus. I get to enjoy the same movie all over again as if it was new   

[shawnt]

Over the years I have re-read  books that I read when I was younger and found that the message I took away was different. Obviously the book hadn't changed ; it was me. Now I see lots of things differently ; again it's me that has changed. We are forever changed.

[Boggled]

On 9/21/2023 at 2:31 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

He says he is doing better.  He says better is kind of relative, and gradual but it’s becoming more tolerable.  Had to think about that and I admit that’s kind of where I am, also.  I guess I have got used to Veronica not being here anymore.  I don’t like it but that is the reality.  The crying and the tears are not as intense, but the sadness hangs like a storm cloud.  I told him I know what he means.  I have my moments where it sucks more than at other times, but it still sucks!  One day at a time.

I guess I have got used to Steve not being here anymore too.  It's very extremely gradual, like a wound to the heart that has tried to heal, but the heart still longs.  I wrote this a few days ago:

and am i in grief like an addict having and being required to get over addiction to the joy and happiness and love that existed between us for 20 years?  
because boy is this  grief and sadness significant.  it's significant enough to be the biggest "lesson" of my whole life.
so the longing that I feel and the disbelief that I feel that you can't really be gone?  is that like my "self" crying out for you, the addiction?  and when I feel that you can't really be gone, it's IMPOSSIBLE!, is that because my heart tells me it just can't be, because I'm still here ... and I'm the same person who loved and was loved by you, and can never dissever?  (Annabel Lee)  and the faith and trust I had in you is and was and will always be!  unseverable?  
WE continue "intertwined" in ME, and I am "US," because I who still live, am un-severable from YOU.  The bond was created in me that will last my whole life, no matter, no matter!  how long I may live on after you have "died," and I believe and my heart believes that we will and must and the connection is so strong, that it will solve any problem, including your death?  Is that like an addiction?  not really.  and I feel faith and loyalty my heart is steadfast to your self.
You are my one and only, and I am yours.
20 years of being together and learning to refer to you back and forth and you refer to me back and forth constantly, pleasurably, and happily, is like an addiction?  
and when I cry what I'm feeling is LOVE, and pain that the love "has nowhere to go," so the lack of being able to see and touch and feel you, is turning this wonderful love into pain and sadness?  Because it's a thing in me, that reaches out for you, to re-experience, as always, always, always it has done before, the love, love, security, joy, happiness, and it can't reach you ... 
so it is like an addiction.  it IS like I've turned into a "love addict," and the person I loved is no longer available.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Boggled, that is beautiful!  Your concept of being “addicted” to our loved one is on point!  Wow!

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Random thoughts: I finally got around to taking my clothes from Veronica’s memorial and final resting place to the cleaners.  Just a couple of aloha style shirts and some slacks.  We did “island style” dress.  I didn’t feel like I should take them sooner because of feeling guilty for putting her funeral behind me.  Well, then I figured Veronica was not to be defined by the final arrangements, although, that thought process still baffles me.  I needed to put my stuff away as it was just in a pile in our room.  So I took them to the cleaners so I can properly put them away.  But the one shirt for the funeral, a white long sleeve aloha shirt with a floral print, kind of formal, I will probably never wear again.  😪

[KayC]

Yesterday was our anniversary, nothing like when he was alive. Went to my skin cancer check, the trip took all day. She found something and sprayed it (which never helps) said to come back in a month if it's not gone, so might as well make the appt. now as it'll be longer...then biopsy, another month to get it removed, then we're talking snow and that's an issue.  Can't plan it according to when roads are passable like I do for getting groceries.  

Went to Costco, someone hit Kodie's paw with their cart, the place is insane with old people thinking in the middle of the aisle, oblivious to those around them, daredevils on  mission running into everyone/everything, it's literally insane.  Poor Kodie, very protective about carts now!  Came out to car, got him and the four heavy items in, drove to the next town to Winco, got out and that's when I realized I didn't have Kodie's leash. I can't use a hand leash with 16 hand injuries, 10% strength, pain and numbness, I can only use waist ones, I had the waist part on but didn't have the part that hooks it to HIM!  5 phone calls to get anyone who gave a rip and a trip back there, the guy helped me tremendously, even telling me to park by the curb (which earned me evil eyes from a lady who thought I should be in jail for it!) and he FOUND it!!!  I was so happy I could have kissed him!  But instead thanked him profusely.  It cost me 1 1/2 hours to get it back.   Went back to Winco, drove the back way home as much as possible to avoid the crazy highway traffic.  Unloaded groceries and went to Iris' to clean out her refrigerator, unfortunately the garbage had just picked up the day before, did her dishes, came home and ate.  What a day!  Realized I forgot to clean out the vegetable bins so will have to go back there today.  

I don't understand why if you leave for 23 days you don't do these things yourself except the day before leaving was her bdy and she held Denise' memorial Monday, she's been going ever since.  She also had a breakout from the steroids for the radiation, she's allergic so it hurts to do anything, so no help there, she'll do w/o it.

Came home and ordered a spare leash on Chewy.

Glad to have the day done.

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

But the one shirt for the funeral, a white long sleeve aloha shirt with a floral print, kind of formal, I will probably never wear again.  😪

I understand.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Went to Costco, someone hit Kodie's paw with their cart, the place is insane /  parked by the curb (which earned me evil eyes from a lady who thought I should be in jail for it!)

At first I thought, "rough state, that Oregon", then I thought, naw, typical of life in all 50 states these days.

 

2 hours ago, KayC said:

went to Iris' to clean out her refrigerator, unfortunately the garbage had just picked up the day before, did her dishes, came home and ate.  What a day!  Realized I forgot to clean out the vegetable bins so will have to go back there today.  

Iris is right to call you her best friend. My question to you is, where do you get all your energy from??

[RichS]

- I've almost finished the book recommended on this board (Different After You). The waterworks flowed from time to time while reading it. I'll give my review (for what it's worth) soon. The expected response should be like my relatives (waving their hands and walking away).  

- Starting to realize that Year 2 of grief is starting to hit me harder. I've been warned about that. Guess I'll buckle up for the rough ride ahead.

- With MRI, CAT Scan, X-Rays in hand, family doctor's opinion, spine and back doctor's opinion, anti-inflammatories and various pain killers taken, I'm off to the surgeon's office on Monday. Between the MRI, CAT Scan, X-Rays he should now have a good idea on how to best do the surgery where it would be minimally invasive. I'm hoping for surgery to be sometime in November. I also expected the White Sox to win the World Series; so fortune telling is not in my future.

[widower2]

23 minutes ago, RichS said:

At first I thought, "rough state, that Oregon", then I thought, naw, typical of life in all 50 states these days.

This is the inevitable result of the permissive society mindset that began many years ago IMO. Although I think even now most people are courteous, but one bad apple and al that...

[RichS]

Yes, most people are courteous, but human nature being the way it is, the occasional jerk sticks in our minds for awhile

[KayC]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

where do you get all your energy from??

Keto, seriously.

43 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Although I think even now most people are courteous, but one bad apple and al that...

Not at Costco!  Dress in armor!

[Boggled]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

Keto, seriously.

She's right.  IIRC, energy when you're in ketosis, comes from your body using ketones to convert FAT to energy, rather than using insulin to convert CARBS to energy (but your body's preference is to use carbs first).  So when you cut out carbs, it takes a few (3 or 4 I THINK) days for your body to shift over to using ketones (called a state of "ketosis") which it does IF you stop eating almost all carbs (you can't completely eliminate carbs since they're in all foods (or at least, almost all foods), but you cut the carbs down (so no beer!  ... the sticking point for a friend of mine) ... and your body uses ketones converting fat to energy, and lo! and behold, voila!  your body starts even eating your body fat!  That was a big joy for me!  

[KayC]

I had no problem but was told to "practice" first, so I did.  Went strict on it nearly four years ago.

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

but your body's preference is to use carbs first

Only until you break the addiction and habits.

[KayC]

OMG. it never ends with these people! Can't get appt for six weeks, then another six weeks, now we're into winter snow and don't know if I can make it.  I try to keep my appts. between April and November!  Also found out she switched affiliation, don't know if insurance will cover yesterday, so switching doctors. I can't believe they didn't let me know!  So requested a referral from my PCP and transfer of chart notes from the old dermatologist to knew one, cancelled appt with her and made appt with him...unreal, it took me hours to do all that and change my google calendar.  The "everyday occurrences" are a bit much, used to be so simple!

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

The "everyday occurrences" are a bit much, used to be so simple!

When you're dealing with insurance companies, it's never simple.

[KayC]

Just got back from Iris' and got her dishes put away and veggies from drawers put on recycle pile. Checked for dead mice, none.  Filled in holes Jazzy's dug.  Done for today.  She made it to Boise for the first leg of her trip.  

[AJ4]

On 8/28/2023 at 1:44 PM, Boggled said:

We haven't lost the love.  The pure fact that LOVE CAN EXIST and I had it, I felt it.  I know what it is.  I received it, and I gave it.  Even if it's turned into longing and sorrow, I know it was/is and I know it was/is REAL and I will always know that.

I try to always think of it this way.  Even though I don't have his physical presence, I still have that love in my heart and I have all his love carried with me there too.   That part doesn't have to end.  

[SSC]

That was absolutely beautifully said @AJ4!!

[Boggled]

1 hour ago, AJ4 said:

I try to always think of it this way.  Even though I don't have his physical presence, I still have that love in my heart and I have all his love carried with me there too.   That part doesn't have to end.  

I feel SORROW every day, BUT this is true.  We had real love.  We know what it was/is!  It still is, (though that's why the sorrow, I think!  Like the saying ... grief is love with no place to go ... that's what I think this sorrow is, the love wanting to connect, trying, trying, trying, trying ... on and on and on ... and when the connecting part doesn't happen, I MISS him!   That part of my life was so important, and so "right," that not being able to connect hurts really really badly.)   The sorrow does come still for me, but at 16 months now, at least I can know what love is.  And the "faith" part is that the love still continues!  Love never dies?  it sure hasn't for me ... and I do feel it on this board from y'all.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Saw this on another site and thought it was beautiful;

“Nothing is emptier than an empty house. The vacant kitchen chair, the imprint on a sofa cushion, the pillow unsplayed with hair, absent of scent. An unspoken thought, an unshared laugh, the silence of no footsteps, no sighs, no breaths.”

― Don Winslow

 

This describes my thoughts these days.  😪

[WithoutHer]

10 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Saw this on another site and thought it was beautiful;

“Nothing is emptier than an empty house. The vacant kitchen chair, the imprint on a sofa cushion, the pillow unsplayed with hair, absent of scent. An unspoken thought, an unshared laugh, the silence of no footsteps, no sighs, no breaths.”

― Don Winslow

 

This describes my thoughts these days.  😪

Rey your post has spoken directly into my own thoughts the past few days. I wanted to post about them but couldn't find the right words. Unspoken thoughts have hit me especially hard lately. 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Saw this on another site and thought it was beautiful;

“Nothing is emptier than an empty house. The vacant kitchen chair, the imprint on a sofa cushion, the pillow unsplayed with hair, absent of scent. An unspoken thought, an unshared laugh, the silence of no footsteps, no sighs, no breaths.”

― Don Winslow

 

This describes my thoughts these days.  😪

I agree.  It's one reason why I still have music or the TV on in the background, especially in the evening.  Even now with my Cosi girl filling part of the void, John's absence is sometimes palpable. 

I wrote this not too long after he died.  I still feel that way, but it's not in the same oppressive, dark way it was at first.

HOME

Our home

Now a house

A place to wait

Until I am with you

And I am home again

[widower2]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I agree.  It's one reason why I still have music or the TV on in the background

My TV is on 24/7. I remember when I was a kid hearing about an elderly relative who lost his wife and my dad remarked that he had the radio on all the time and I didn't get why. Now I do

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Came home from my Red Cross driving shift this afternoon and when I got out of my truck at home an incredible sadness swept over me as I was walking to the front door.  Then as I walked in the house the tears came as soon as I remembered Veronica was not here for me to say “I’m home”, or to share how the day went, or plan something for dinner.  But why did the emotions hit name so hard today?  Then I realized today is 4 months since my bride went to sleep.  Only 4 months and it really sucks.  Must be the 4 month dip?  Holy crap!  6 months will be Dec 27th.  😪

[KayC]

@Rey Dominguez Jr It will be hard around the holidays, for sure.  It's that six month mark, more or less, that hits...be prepared by being aware and maybe plan in place, people around if you want.  It hit me at Christmas as he died in June.

Six Month Mark
(separate link): Six Month Mark

 

[DWS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Came home from my Red Cross driving shift this afternoon and when I got out of my truck at home an incredible sadness swept over me as I was walking to the front door.  Then as I walked in the house the tears came as soon as I remembered Veronica was not here for me to say “I’m home”, or to share how the day went, or plan something for dinner.

For months, my tears would start flowing as I neared my house or pulled in the driveway or opened the front door. The house, for me, fully acknowledged my loss and grief....my partner's absence, the silence, his empty chair, one coffee cup in the sink, one plate, one electric toothbrush on the bathroom vanity. The house was full of hurt and pain but also my refuge where I was free to release my tears. Outside it, the rest of the world continued on like before. It wasn't acknowledging my grief and sometimes (not too often mind you), I would forget and think everything was the same as before....but driving on the familiar streets and nearing the house quickly brought it all back. 

[shawnt]

Our house doesn't  cause to much pain, except her chair and her side of the bed that I spend to much time looking at. We have a driveway( bush road) to our cabin that is about 1\2 mile long ; I can't pull in or drive it without crying. Actually Every time I drive to the camp alone I cry because that was always a trip we did together and we really enjoyed being at camp alone(romantic) or with the kids when they were little (always an adventure to be had). I will always miss her.

[RichS]

These feelings come on like a sudden, summer thunderstorm, but are normal. Sights, surroundings,  specific items around the house: any of those examples and more can trigger your emotions or sink you into depression as well. Some days these things happen, other days these same things won’t bother you as much. This is another example of grieving that I discovered that I’ve come to accept, but don’t like.

[Boggled]

55 minutes ago, RichS said:

These feelings come on like a sudden, summer thunderstorm, but are normal. Sights, surroundings,  specific items around the house: any of those examples and more can trigger your emotions or sink you into depression as well. Some days these things happen, other days these same things won’t bother you as much. This is another example of grieving that I discovered that I’ve come to accept, but don’t like.

This happens to me for the littlest teensy tiny things!  It's some thing that was part and parcel of our life TOGETHER, and the love reaches OUT from that tiny thing, that was part of HIS life, HIS BEing, that I associate with him, and the association is with LOVE, and the LOVE arises and reaches OUT ... and there's no place to go ...  😪