Random thoughts

[LMR]

It has been a real roller coaster lately. I just passed 3 years and I still find it hard to accept. My mind all over the place. Some random thoughts......

I was wondering what word I could use to describe how I feel on a good day but I can't think of one. I'm not happy, I'm not even contented. I think there must be a whole vocabulary for grief that we don't even know.

I was also thinking about my photographs. Sometimes, some photos, when I look at them I can feel his skin! It's not exactly a memory, it's rather weird, and I suddenly realised that it is like Virtual Reality. When you look through one of those viewers it is so real but when you put your hand out to touch it there is nothing there. Some people think all life is a VR program, just like the Matrix.

[KayC]

I think we're in reality alright.  Perhaps too much so!

[Dawn Wms]

It has been over three years for me too and I still get shocked realizing he is really gone.  It is real but it will probably seem unreal for some time to come.  Maybe it always will.  I don't know.  All I know is that I miss him and it is hard and it hurts.  

[KayC]

Yes, it does.

 

[shawnt]

The term your looking for is "I am not wrecked today"

There is no way to prove reality, are we someone else's dream, a simulation?

Don't think to hard about it because it doesn't matter, real or not, this is our life and we have to live it.

I can still feel my wife's hand in mine and sometimes on waking I can feel the weight of her in our bed.

[Boggled]

15 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

It has been over three years for me too and I still get shocked realizing he is really gone. 

Me too.  Happened to me yesterday, turning on the TV at 6:00 pm yesterday and looking at "his" chair where somehow I'm still imagining he's sitting to watch the TV I'm turning on, and ... the chair was empty.  

[Roxeanne]

It's a strange feeling...we know they are gone!

Why our brain does not recognize it? Or at least mine...over the years i have adapted to his absence but keep looking weird to me that he is not here anymore🙏

[Boggled]

One random thought I've had is that over the time in which we engaged in relationship with our loved ones, we developed a sort of "radio tuning" to that person.  Like we are constantly tuned in to them.  And the tuning carries right on past their "bodily death," right on into wherever they've gone.   

[Boggled]

We haven't lost the love.  The pure fact that LOVE CAN EXIST and I had it, I felt it.  I know what it is.  I received it, and I gave it.  Even if it's turned into longing and sorrow, I know it was/is and I know it was/is REAL and I will always know that.

[widower2]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

I am now becoming, "that guy".  The lonesome loser...the loneliness is driving him crazy.  Beaten by the Queen of Hearts. 

I'm old enough to get that reference. But remember the end of that stanza: "he still keeps on trying"

[widower2]

You won't. None of us will. How could we? But that doesn't mean we shrivel up in a little ball and crumble away or that we'll be TOTALLY different either. We can still be "us" with some necessary modifications.

[widower2]

14 minutes ago, Gator M said:

Who is shriveling?  I'm going down swinging but I don't want to re-hap or re-up.

 

Glad to hear it! That wasn't aimed at you, just a general observation. And speaking from my own experience...my first thought afterwards was to shrivel up into a little ball and tuck away somewhere, but I didn't have that luxury.

[RichS]

Talk about how our minds work..............to this day I can look at photos of my wife, but cannot look at any videos of her. I know myself. It would tear me to pieces! Almost every day when I drive away from our front door, I imagine Chris waving goodbye to me; just as she did when she was alive. And even though I know it’s just a fantasy, it gives me comfort as I drive away. That’s one of my many coping tools, and so is this board and the folks here who we get to share our personal feelings with and feel comfortable doing it.

[LMR]

I sadly have no videos at all. If I did I think I would sit and watch them all day.

I have got worse again this past week. I feel so tired of trying.

[KayC]

I have one video on VHS, but VCR took a dump.  I have it memorized though and it brought me comfort, it was of our favorite Christmas...we were sitting on the couch like a couple of fat/happy old people...ha!  Now it's 20 years later...if I really want to know old!  We were so happy together...

[Roxeanne]

I regret to have so few videos of him...i have some i can hear only his voice.!...i listen them few times 'cos the wish to have him here with me grows strong and intense...it makes me sick!

And i don't want suffer more for an impossible wish! At least grief showed me how to avoid useless suffering...

[Boggled]

21 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

It's a strange feeling...we know they are gone!

Why our brain does not recognize it?

Our brains have strange and mighty programs, I THINK.  I know my husband ... died.  But even typing that word! is difficult.   I've been keeping a journal and I know at some point I realized that this CHILDlike part of my brain that is emotional beyond any emotional-understanding I've ever had, became noticeable to my consciousness for the first time, like an inner little kid.

I journaled:  "But all this pain 14 months - Plus - all this PAIN ... is it my Heart CAUSING the pain?

Heart and Soul   we have various unsuspected-by-our-consciousness parts.  WHAT PART CAUSES THE PAIN?

It's some part that reaches and clutches and PAINS when it can't FIND, REACH, or CLUTCH.  So it PAINS.

I THINK what it pains is the Heart. 

The heart is the victim, the object, of the thing that reaches out.  The heart is the FEELER of the pain.  And the heart passes it on to the consciousness part.  But the CAUSER of the pain is some OTHER part.

Not consciousness thinking part . . . 

not the heart!

Some OTHER part BELOW the heart, 

even deeper than the heart!

The INNER-Something-Me.

That accepted the husband-wife teaming of US.

Accepted it way down deep inside 

And had true faith.

The faith in OUR Lives as they should be together,

and the death of Steve tells this inner-something me

that FAITH says this is UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.  

+ + + + + + + +

take a BREAK "

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I am dreading the Holidays.

As long as you spend the holidays with family and/or friends, you'll be fine. Plan ahead so YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, RichS said:

As long as you spend the holidays with family and/or friends, you'll be fine. Plan ahead so YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

That's difficult to do when I have no family or friends to be with.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

That's difficult to do when I have no family or friends to be with.

...or family/friends who disappeared or you'd just as soon not be with. Yeah, she was the only thing I didn't hate about the holidays.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

...or family/friends who disappeared or you'd just as soon not be with. Yeah, she was the only thing I didn't hate about the holidays.

Just none. I lost contact with my small circle of friends years ago and didn't really develop any relationships outside my last employer from which I retired. After 2 failed marriages meeting Vickie was the best thing that happened in my life. I talk with her daughter now and then but she's 900 miles away. It's very difficult doing this alone. Caring for our pets gives me reason to get up in the morning.

[widower2]

Inheriting her dog was the same for me. I couldn't just lay in bed all day, I had to get up, walk him, feed him, etc. But he returned the favor many times over just by being there and being good company for one but also my last tangible connection to her. I'm not sure I would have made it if not for him.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Caring for our pets gives me reason to get up in the morning.

I agree.

[Dana L]

Also all alone, introverted and finding it hard to get out - and not looking forward to the holidays OR winter. Lost my husband 4/27/22 two months after cancer diagnosis. He was only 63 and I met him when I was 17. I too have a dog that gets me out of bed and out walking everyday but the devastating loss, terrible loneliness,  and “over thinking everything” is overwhelming some days. 

[KayC]

My favorite aunt died a year ago, then my favorite cousin, now my uncle, he was so good to my aunt, I appreciated him so much.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, Dana L said:

Also all alone, introverted and finding it hard to get out - and not looking forward to the holidays OR winter. Lost my husband 4/27/22 two months after cancer diagnosis. He was only 63 and I met him when I was 17. I too have a dog that gets me out of bed and out walking everyday but the devastating loss, terrible loneliness,  and “over thinking everything” is overwhelming some days. 

Very sorry to hear. As for getting out, have you checked meetup.com? It's a way for people in your local area to set up social groups of all kinds to do things together (some are based on age, some on interests/hobbies, etc etc) and most groups are free or extremely cheap (like $5-10/year) and totally no pressure - you can attend whatever you want or not. There may even be a widower group in your area.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 8/29/2023 at 7:31 PM, WithoutHer said:

 Caring for our pets gives me reason to get up in the morning.

That's where I'm at right now.  We have two cats we brought home on Veronica's birthday, November 7, 2020.  Could be I need to take care of them for the next 10-15 years, perhaps.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 8/29/2023 at 1:56 AM, RichS said:

to this day I can look at photos of my wife

I do that every night.  Just spend time looking pictures saved on the computer, from our high school days to as recently as her last days in the hospital.  

[KayC]

My last cat lived to 25 1/2, just saying!

[RichS]

Our cat Salem was a former lab cat used by the N.C. State Veterinary College. He lived the college dorm life for a number of years (was in a 20 X 20 room with 19 other cats). The guy deserves living a quiet, comfortable retirement.

[KayC]

I agree. That's what I felt when I adopted Kitty (got to know her at age 10) at 12, she grew up in a trailer court and was abandoned so many times by drug addicts who favored her kittens over her.  I promised her a forever home and I gave it to her.

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

So, I had saved quite a bit of money for our trip to the islands.  That trip can never happen anymore.  Looking around the house, maybe it’s time to take care of repair items with that saved cash, I suppose.  Nothing major, but the garage door really could use a replacement.  It’s a big old wooden door that is heavy and creaky and warped.  Back entry door is a cheap one that was installed about 10 years ago and is cracked and warped.  Also need some new blinds in the den where our older son has moved in since he changed jobs from being a moving company driver.  I’m sure there are a couple other things that will make themselves known.  I can just hear Veronica telling me “I’m glad you thought of those because I didn’t want to say anything.  But it’s about time!”  She could be brutally honest many times, when she needed to be.  

[Boggled]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I can just hear Veronica telling me “I’m glad you thought of those because I didn’t want to say anything.  But it’s about time!”  She could be brutally honest many times, when she needed to be.  

That's part of this.  We KNOW what our loved ones would say, don't we?  

On the other hand, sometimes they would come up with things we didn't expect, so that's why we want them BACK.  In "reality."  ... that is, ... here ... whether this is "reality" is of course personal belief, oh shoot Boggling again.  ... hahahahahaha!

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

It’s a big old wooden door that is heavy and creaky and warped.

Sounds a lot like how my legs feel these days...........

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Completed my road test and admin stuff to be a Blood Services driver for the Red Cross. The driving part was easy, just can't be a lead-foot on the freeway like usual. Supervisor had me drive to the five hospitals that are usually in the distribution scheme. One of those was Scripps-La Jolla Cardiovascular Center where Veronica was transferred to. Had not been back to that place since my bride went to sleep and didn't come home.  Emotions welled up but I'm driving so I have to keep that in check. Surreal.   Anyway, passed - TEST SAT. Got home after my shift! Veronica is not here to share my triumph with. Sometimes the shadow of guilt appears, as if I am moving forward too quickly. I'll figure it out with God Jehovah's guidance. I just miss her so dang much!

 

[KayC]

This is a real positive!  Congratulations!  I talk to George, tell him things all the time.  I have a dog so people don't think I'm talking to myself, but mostly do it at home when no one's around, Kodie doesn't mind. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

In February, 2020, Veronica lost her balance and fell, causing a fracture in her left hip.  Painful to say the least.  She spent 3 nights in the hospital and then was transferred to a skilled nursing facility for recovery and rehab, to get her up and walking again after being laid up for so long.  She was discharged on June 9, 2020.  She was gone for 104 days.  Tomorrow, September 15, will be 105 days since she was admitted to the hospital with a heart attack.  In 2020, I knew she would come home eventually.  This is now the longest she has been gone from our home.  My head knows she is not coming back, like she did 3 years ago.  Veronica’s health had declined so much.  My heart wishes she could be here again.  😪  I miss her so much!  

Edited September 15, 2023 by Rey Dominguez Jr
grammar and context

[Boggled]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

My head knows she is not coming back, like she did 3 years ago.  Veronica’s health had declined so much.  My heart wishes she could be here again.  

Grief has opened my understanding of "me" at least enough to recognize more than ever before, that our "minds" are made up of many parts!  I've noticed there's a part that's underneath my heart, that is a sort of "faith" part.  That's the part that just won't "accept" (what a word, isn't there some other word?  but that "accept" word and its implication of "agreement" is really what I'm dealing with ... and I remember thinking "I will NEVER accept! that he's gone!" )  anyhoo... the faith part of "me" does not agree! that he is "gone," it can agree that he's gone from this bodily world ... but he's still somewhere beyond the veil.  That I can "accept."  

... KayC, the line at the bottom of your posts has come back.  Kinda makes me laugh.  I agree!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

the faith part of "me" does not agree! that he is "gone," it can agree that he's gone from this bodily world ... but he's still somewhere beyond the veil. 

That is how I believe too, I couldn't bear to never see him again!

 

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

... KayC, the line at the bottom of your posts has come back.  Kinda makes me laugh.  I agree!

I didn't know it disappeared!  I set it up to automatically appear when I post, years ago, on both sites.

[Boggled]

28 minutes ago, KayC said:

I didn't know it disappeared! 

🤣 it did!   seems like it used-ta be blue, too;  now it's grey.   😇

[KayC]

I don't remember it blue.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Boggled said:

🤣 it did!   seems like it used-ta be blue, too;  now it's grey.   😇

If you look at the bottom right of posts by members with signature lines (the permanent ones), there's a little grey X.  If you hover over it, it gives you the option to "Ignore signature preferences" so you don't see that member's "bottom line."  Is it possible that you accidentally clicked on that at some point and then clicked back, not realizing that's what it was?  Kay's may have been blue before the latest updates and changes to the forums?  I never click them off, though I don't have one myself.  I like to know what members find important enough to bring along with them to all their posts.

[KayC]

Haha, see what my old eyes miss?!

[foreverhis]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

Haha, see what my old eyes miss?!

Not to worry, Kay.  I only noticed it now because I was looking and wondered "What is that for?"

[Boggled]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

If you look at the bottom right of posts by members with signature lines (the permanent ones), there's a little grey X.  If you hover over it, it gives you the option to "Ignore signature preferences" so you don't see that member's "bottom line."  Is it possible that you accidentally clicked on that at some point and then clicked back, not realizing that's what it was?

That's possible.  My fingers might have done that without me knowing it ... 

I like Kay's signature, it's the same way I feel.  I never noticed that "x" either until now.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On another thread I mentioned that I had been communicating with a fellow retired submarine sailor who just laid his wife to rest on August 31 this year.  I have been sharing as much encouragement as I can based on my emotions and feelings of the day.  Today I asked him how he’s doing.  He says he is doing better.  He says better is kind of relative, and gradual but it’s becoming more tolerable.  Had to think about that and I admit that’s kind of where I am, also.  I guess I have got used to Veronica not being here anymore.  I don’t like it but that is the reality.  The crying and the tears are not as intense, but the sadness hangs like a storm cloud.  I told him I know what he means.  I have my moments where it sucks more than at other times, but it still sucks!  One day at a time.  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

He says better is kind of relative, and gradual but it’s becoming more tolerable.

Excellent way to describe it!

[RichS]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Had to think about that and I admit that’s kind of where I am, also.  I guess I have got used to Veronica not being here anymore.  I don’t like it but that is the reality.  The crying and the tears are not as intense, but the sadness hangs like a storm cloud.  I told him I know what he means.  I have my moments where it sucks more than at other times, but it still sucks!  One day at a time.  

That kind of explains where I am at this time. Some days I can accept it more than others. Other days, I'm still in a mild shock. Either way, I don't like it. Lately my mental pain is being somewhat replaced by physical pain (dealing with sciatica) but definitely not a good distraction.

[LMR]

I have sort of had a reversal. You know how when you are apart for a short time, like maybe for a business trip, after the initial wrench you go about your day knowing he/she will be back soon. Then you start anticipating their return and you start to get more restless each day. That is where I am now. Each day apart is becoming more painful and though I mostly keep it inside it is tearing me apart. 

[Boggled]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I have sort of had a reversal. You know how when you are apart for a short time, like maybe for a business trip, after the initial wrench you go about your day knowing he/she will be back soon. Then you start anticipating their return and you start to get more restless each day. That is where I am now. Each day apart is becoming more painful and though I mostly keep it inside it is tearing me apart. 

LMR, I'm so sorry!    It's been happening to me too, but lately it's sort of fading!   I don't know why!  The SORROW is the big thing for me, which hits, mostly really hard, when some new memory comes up and whamm I'm crying, tears flowing down my cheeks, and I just go with it.  

Ever since my 2012 Volt stopped running on Aug. 25, I've been sitting at home, no transportation, waiting for the car I ordered to arrive which will be about another month.  But.  My MIL calls me every night.  We talk for about an hour.  So I have human communication at least once every night, AND I know I can depend on it!  Plus, my one friend in "town" calls me a couple times a week (or I call her).  Other than that, rural area, our one neighbor we were friends with died, and his son moved away ... several months ago.   I THINK the quiet is really what I want, to deal with this grief deeply and entirely, ... learn from it.  One thing:  I think I'm REALLY LUCKY, to have had the love, real love, the deep connection, with my husband.   This was both of our second marriage;  the first for both of us did not work out, even though we'd given it a good hard try!  Lesson from that:   the marriage between me and my husband was WONDERFUL.