Antidepressants to help with grief?

[movingon]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

I want that for all of us too. 

Thank YOu for being here with and for us. You are teaching us as well. We need you here

[movingon]

9 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I've made a note of this...

LostThomas....are you doing ok? I've been looking for that post where you mentioned about writing a note if you went to a grief counselor to have them read first..the more I thought about it, I thought it was a brilliant idea, especially given the way in which you express yourself. You have such a gift and your words impart so much and give such a vivid picture. When I read, for me it's visual, hard to explain, but especially stories, not articles....the people come to life and it feels as though I'm seeing them not just reading words. 

[movingon]

On 2/11/2023 at 8:53 AM, DWS said:

hope you are able to get some comfort from reading it.

DWS...I received the book today, thanks amazon prime...but I'm afraid to read it. I was so looking forward to it. Is that normal? 

[movingon]

5 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

thank you for all your kind words and thoughts.

Hope you are sleeping peacefully tonight AloneAgain, tomorrow we will be checking on you....

[DWS]

17 minutes ago, maud said:

DWS...I received the book today, thanks amazon prime...but I'm afraid to read it. I was so looking forward to it. Is that normal? 

It sounds reasonable. Now that you have the book you may be hesitating in case it ends up disappointing you. I can tell you that I find the writer very sincere and passionate with the subject of grief. Megan's husband tragically drowned when she was in her mid-30s and this put her on the nightmarish, challenging course of dealing with loss. She truly is a grief warrior. I've re-read the book three times. It stays on my bedside table. I've been in the habit of reading a couple of pages before falling off to sleep. I guess in a way it's become my bedtime story. 

[movingon]

No, not afraid of being disappointed, afraid it will make everything real, think I'm still afraid of the reality of this all. But I'm going to do it, going to open the book right now because I know inside that it will help me. Here I go ! Goodnight and thanks again for the tip, I really liked the way she spoke on the video

[DWS]

6 minutes ago, maud said:

No, not afraid of being disappointed, afraid it will make everything real, think I'm still afraid of the reality of this all. But I'm going to do it, going to open the book right now because I know inside that it will help me. Here I go ! Goodnight and thanks again for the tip, I really liked the way she spoke on the video

I really get that. After all of these months, I think there are still times when I am afraid of the reality of this. Goodnight...and pleasant reading.

[widower2]

On 2/10/2023 at 8:37 AM, KayC said:

IMO, the divorce I went through after 23 years of marriage to a controller that had a lot of clout was horrific, the church I'd been a member of all those years in which I had done literally everything, turned it's back on me and threw me out, hatefulness from neighbors, on the job, you name it!  You cannot imagine the things he put me through.  I would never downplay how horrible a divorce can be.  However, you are right in that it is NOT the same as a death! 

No....but I don't have to have gone through it to know it's still horrific and a "death" in a way...the death of a relationship. I'm so sorry Kay, esp how "religious" people abandoned you. People like that are IMO why atheism is ever growing and PS that is not a slight to atheists and please let's not get into a religious debate, my point being people see churches with stereotypical "church lady" people like this in it and small wonder they run the other direction (side note, I had a major run in with a such a person on this site but that was a long time ago...). 

[widower2]

And overall I'm sorry for you who have experienced as I did, being abandoned by "friends" or others you thought would be there for you in some way. 

[Alone. Again.]

6 hours ago, maud said:

Hope you are sleeping peacefully tonight AloneAgain, tomorrow we will be checking on you....

Thank you Maud. That was nice to wake up to read.

I had dreams about him last night. A couple of very vivid ones. We were talking and laughing, I could see every detail of his face. That's the first time since the very beginning that I've been able to dream about him. It was lovely, but so sad to come out of and wake up.

6 hours ago, maud said:

No, not afraid of being disappointed, afraid it will make everything real, think I'm still afraid of the reality of this all. But I'm going to do it, going to open the book right now because I know inside that it will help me. Here I go ! Goodnight and thanks again for the tip, I really liked the way she spoke on the video

How did you get on with the book? What you said is totally understandable. I feel that way too about being afraid of the reality of it all. I know he is gone but I'm a very long way off from acceptance. 

Tomorrow is the inquest where I will finally have some answers. I feel sick about it. Every bit of reality for me is like a punch in the stomach. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, maud said:

either God or the universe sent these people today because somebody must have felt my broken empty heart crying out.

I am glad they did!  And it helps to walk, it releases the feel good hormone, it de-stresses us, even in bad weather it helps.  That is a LONG walk!  I'm used to an hour twice/day.  Sometimes I get to talk to a neighbor, but more often than not, no.  Now that Mike is gone, no one to talk to.  I didn't go to church yesterday because I vomited a bit Sat. and wanted to be safe rather than sorry, but I think it was just digestive, who knows.  Next Sunday is Mike's remembrance...

Iris and her stepdaughter were gone yesterday, Jazzy stuck in her kennel, so I got her out to play with Kodie, she's still not into playing much though.  Poor little girl.  They did for a bit, then just kind of hung out together.  Kodie is great at understanding.  I did Iris' dishes while they did their thing.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

I don't have to have gone through it to know it's still horrific and a "death" in a way...the death of a relationship.

In my case, not so much death of a relationship but what could have been.  We never were close, he never let me in.  He was a pretender, lied throughout our marriage, a hypocrite, yet I understand and care about him...it just didn't make it any easier for me to live with him.  Even the kids found it stress releasing when he left, but they have mixed feelings, how can they not.  He is their dad.  What he did to me at the end was beyond horrific.  I've forgiven him but we never forget.  
Honestly what the church did (imo) released me to a new church, and they never judged me or asked me a million question, they accepted me as is, and didn't pry, just loved me.  I've now been there 23 years.  Something about 23 must be the magic number....

9 hours ago, maud said:

afraid it will make everything real

Good luck with it...our reality IS real, this book will only help you...let us know how you do when you take the plunge.

[RichS]

Thomas:  I've felt for quite awhile that of all of Christ's disciples, I probably would resemble Thomas the most as well. So, after years of parochial school, this is where I'm at? Unbelievable!! Then, reflecting on it, a lot of us here have been around this life for more than a few decades; so it would be fair to say that all of us have been beaten down by life at various times. With all of us on the common road of grieving, we'd have to be, or else why are we even on this board?

Does grieving test our faith? My hand is raised! Not proud of it, but at this stage of my life I'd be lying to myself. At least it makes me more aware of the work I need to do on my faith (sorry non-Christians, I'm trying to tie this all together into one message). And that leads me to the next thought: After reading all of the feelings and the opinions on this board (including my own) since I've joined, if there are two words that describe what they all boil down to is: MOVING FORWARD. That is the common challenge we all face here, no matter what ways we choose to express it. 

I think I mentioned this on a previous post. My good friend who teaches grief sharing at his church reminds me that moving forward is not something that has a start and ending time. We're all moving at different speeds here, and that's OK, he says. He goes on to say that we all have to work on this, understood; but beyond that we just have to be patient with ourselves, try not to analyze the process too much (again, hand raised) and with the help of each other on this board, we will all get there. Ever see a marathon in person or on TV? Everybody starts in the same place, but the arrival times vary from a couple of hours until the last finisher finally arrives to turn off the lights. 

So, this morning my prayer for myself and all of us is that we allow God to MOVE US FORWARD until we all arrive at the finish line.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you for asking, Thomas. I'm not doing well today. I seem to take half a step forward and several steps back. I'm pleased it's not the weekend, but also dreading tomorrow.

I'm not sure I'm capable of viewing anything in completely rational terms at the moment. I think the very real fact that I am never going to be or feel like myself again is really frightening to me. So much of me died along with him.

How are you today?

You are all in my thoughts every day.

[movingon]

33 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

I seem to take half a step forward and several steps back. I'm pleased it's not the weekend, but also dreading tomorrow.

Yes I've been thinking of you, the inquest, Valentine's Day, everything happening at once...but you at least said half a step forward. You took half a step AloneAgain, that's something as small as it sounds,you are not going completely backwards and that is something that makes me happy to hear. We're going to help you with those steps. This new family is going to help you. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Maud, I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

Thomas, thank you so much for your words. I really struggle to eat, too. I've lost a lot of weight. I try to eat with my daughter at dinner time but I can't manage very much at all.

I haven't been to the shops yet. Everywhere reminds me of smiling and laughing and holding his hand without a care in the world. I totally understand why you have been procrastinating about that form. I try to think about these things I should do for myself but I just forget. 

I really hope you manage to take some of those small steps.

Everyone's words of encouragement and support are so much appreciated, especially when I know we're all trying to find the strength to just keep going. 

[movingon]

15 hours ago, DWS said:

I've been in the habit of reading a couple of pages before falling off to sleep. I guess in a way it's become my bedtime story. 

I read a few pages last night, you're right, think I'm going to like it !

[movingon]

9 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I had dreams about him last night. A couple of very vivid ones. We were talking and laughing, I could see every detail of his face.

I've got a big smile on my face ! So happy he came to you in your dreams. Love is eternal, I know it would have left you sad waking up, but he's with you, he is a part of you, his being in your life added to who you are. So think of how very special you are because you carry him within your very being. 

[movingon]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes I get to talk to a neighbor, but more often than not, no.  Now that Mike is gone, no one to talk to.  I didn't go to church yesterday because I vomited a bit Sat. and wanted to be safe rather than sorry, but I think it was just digestive, who knows.  Next Sunday is Mike's remembrance...

Kay I'm so sorry you lost Mike , it must be yet another difficult loss for you...too much..too much you've lost. Are you feeling better since Saturday?

[movingon]

3 hours ago, LostThomas said:

All of you, every single one of you, is on my radar.  I'm not going to let you fall through the cracks, any day, any time, day or night, or if you are out of sight.   

Thomas! You are a book of knowledge! You bring forth so many things to ponder, you are a true teacher. I am okay today, I've decided to cut my walks back a little bit, it's been causing me a lot of physical pain. I think I've been overdoing the long walks because that's my 'escape from lonely quiet house time'. So I'm going to try to do my yoga more instead....in the lonely quiet house. Once spring arrives I will be able to putter in the garden, that has always been a meditative peaceful hobby/passion for me. You are sounding really good Thomas, emboldened comes to mind...!

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you, Maud. 

I'm so glad you've started the book. I hope it helps you in some way. 

Thank you all for everything. This place is my saviour right now.

[movingon]

22 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Thank you all for everything. This place is my saviour right now.

It really is. I can't imagine what my days would feel like if it weren't for all of you that have opened a new world for me...where we all fit in.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, LostThomas said:

 How are your hands Kay?

I'm down to the residual what I have to live with...a lot of nerve damage, loss of strength, pain, numbness and one of my fingers crosses over the other one slightly after the burn, forget what they call it, makes it hard to pick pills up.  Thanks for asking.

Right now it's been snowing all day and WAY more tonight/tomorrow, it will be hard tomorrow, shoveling.  I have wood in for the week.

5 hours ago, RichS said:

Does grieving test our faith?

Do not be ashamed, when we have come through it we are stronger for it.  Not that any of us would choose this path.

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, LostThomas said:

She helped me a lot on the one step forward two steps back problem.

That is one of my favorite quotes...just remember, overall we are moving in a forward motion, even when taking the step back, when you look at the whole picture. I actually have a book by that name.
https://www.amazon.com/Three-Steps-Forwards-Two-Back-ebook/dp/B007FZP1MK

3 hours ago, maud said:

Kay I'm so sorry you lost Mike , it must be yet another difficult loss for you...too much..too much you've lost. Are you feeling better since Saturday?

I am, today I've been shoveling snow, tomorrow will be way hard as we're to get a lot tonight/tomorrow.

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Does grieving test our faith? My hand is raised! Not proud of it, but at this stage of my life I'd be lying to myself. At least it makes me more aware of the work I need to do on my faith (sorry non-Christians, I'm trying to tie this all together into one message).

I don't think feeling your faith tested is anything to be ashamed of at all.  I sometimes wonder how it could be otherwise, at least for almost everyone. 

IMO, you also do not need to apologize to non-Christians in this case.  You're talking about your faith, the path you are taking, and the work you are doing to strengthen what you believe.  You aren't telling everyone else they should do the same or believe the same way you do.  And you're definitely not proselytizing. It's truly okay for you to talk about your religious beliefs as they relate to you, especially how they affect and are affected by your grief.

[movingon]

6 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I struggle just forcing myself to eat a bowl of cereal.  That's not moving forward very far at all.  In my comments this morning I'm worried about a lot of people.  

I'm sorry for the following comments, I'm not trying to be flippant but today I feel so exhausted and tonight I was ravenous...maybe everything is catching up with me or maybe I am just feeling a bit delirious in my fatigue. As idiotic as this sounds, I was making my supper, I don't like cooking at all, John was the chef and it was usually fine dining when he cooked if he had the time. So I was making one of my new alternating staples ...a piece of boxed frozen breaded fish...and I thought, gee, I have that gigantic piece of cauliflower that I've been putting in my lunchtime vegetable smoothies....it seems to keep growing - not diminishing, I must steam some to finish it off or it will spoil. So my plate was a piece of breaded fish beside half a plate of cauliflower. I thought, oh John, how you would cringe at my meals. But boy, eating a freshly steamed vegetable..in this case half a plateful, it was as if it was the first time I'd had a steamed vegetable in my life. It tasted like bliss....Thomas, if I was your neighbor I would have shared with you and stayed for tea, and made you play the piano. So I'm sorry for the insanity and inappropriateness of this post and if it offends any of you. I think I was just thinking about the difficulty eating issue so many of us have. It's difficult enough to shop for one, but will any of us ever have normal meals again as we used to? Healthy all food-groups sit down meals like I used to with John? I hate cooking. I hate sitting here alone at the dining room table. I'm having a moment and it too will pass once I'm in bed reading "It's ok that you're not ok ". 

[RichS]

foreverhis:  Thanks for your kind comments and reassurance. Something else I've known for a long time.....

No one is harder on Rich than Rich.

[RichS]

Maude:  Like you, my wife did 95% of the cooking for us. Now that she's gone it's my responsibility to cook for three men + feed a cat. A few months ago I read something inspiring for someone in my shoes, "IF YOU CAN READ INSTRUCTIONS, YOU CAN COOK." An Emeril LaGasse, I'll never be, but at least none of us have had to go to the hospital. 

[movingon]

49 minutes ago, RichS said:

IF YOU CAN READ INSTRUCTIONS, YOU CAN COOK." An Emeril LaGasse, I'll never be, but at least none of us have had to go to the hospital. 

Thank you, made me smile !

[movingon]

20 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

You are turning the page

Feels as if I'm turning the page towards insanity sometimes. I'm in bed with my heating pad ..I was crying and reading everyone's posts. I'm feeling particularly sad for all of us. I don't know if it's about tomorrow or just as I said, it's catching up to me. I have to pay attention as you said to self care, I think I have to slow down, I've been overdoing the walking because I have to get out of here, so I toned that down today. I have to try to stop running away it feels like. Yes, one page at a time.. thank you...I will be here tomorrow with all of you.

[movingon]

5 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Thank you all for everything. This place is my saviour right now.

I hope you're sleeping well tonight AloneAgain, I just wanted to say that as hard as tomorrow will be for you, I believe your fiance will be there with you giving you strength, and so will we all. 

[widower2]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

In my case, not so much death of a relationship but what could have been.  We never were close, he never let me in.  He was a pretender, lied throughout our marriage, a hypocrite, yet I understand and care about him...it just didn't make it any easier for me to live with him.  Even the kids found it stress releasing when he left, but they have mixed feelings, how can they not.  He is their dad.  What he did to me at the end was beyond horrific.  I've forgiven him but we never forget.  
Honestly what the church did (imo) released me to a new church, and they never judged me or asked me a million question, they accepted me as is, and didn't pry, just loved me.  I've now been there 23 years.  Something about 23 must be the magic number....

Again I'm so sorry. Horrific well describes what I got from my beloved's daughters after she passed. I swear people like this need to be smacked in the face (hard) at least once a day, clues given to their clueless self, and if the next day it's clear it hasn't sinked in, rinse and repeat. But I digress...    

On the plus side, I'm glad you found a church worthy of you! I think (and I admit this is an educated guess at best) that the old world hypocritical, self-righteous, just plain nasty type church attitudes are fading away and a more accepting, loving attitude is on the rise. And really I think they've been in the majority for a long time, but sometimes like with anything else in life we hit a lemon. 

 

[Alone. Again.]

8 hours ago, maud said:

hope you're sleeping well tonight AloneAgain, I just wanted to say that as hard as tomorrow will be for you, I believe your fiance will be there with you giving you strength, and so will we all. 

Thank you so much, Maud. This is so hard.

[KayC]

14 minutes ago, Separo said:

I have been in this dark time since July last year.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you reached out to your doctor...a lot of them don't know beans about grief and prescribe when it isn't clinical depression but situational, so it's good that you are applying mindfulness, etc.  Doing the work.  It's hard at best!  Doctors are not trained in grief.  IMO some grief counselors might be best at making that call.

I do hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, it helps us process our grief, and helps knowing there's others that "get it" and understand...it also helps to get it out.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[movingon]

4 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Thank you so much, Maud. This is so hard.

Stay here with us today, we are all with you, don't go through this alone, keep speaking here, we're all listening 

[DWS]

21 hours ago, maud said:

I read a few pages last night, you're right, think I'm going to like it !

That's so good to hear. I revisited a couple of pages from chapter one last night and was reminded of why Megan's book is so important...."Our culture sees grief as a kind of a malady: a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible." As I approach year two with my grief, I anticipate that things will get even more challenging. 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Sep Paro said:

The person I am missing is not dead … thats why it's even worse for me.. we are “ just “ no longer together. Thank you

I'm sorry, but no, it is not worse for you.  With a break up, there's always the chance to set things right or at least, find a measure of peace.  With death of a partner, a soulmate, which is what all of us here are grieving, it is final.  There is no chance to say the things we forgot to say or put right anything that was wrong or have any chance whatsoever of being reunited in this life.  Our loves were taken from us forever.

You're right, you are "just" no longer together, but you are both still alive.  We are "just" permanently separated by death. Neither partner chose to leave; love remains and always will.

I'm not trying to minimize the pain of a break up because I've experienced it, most of us have, but it is nothing like losing the love of your life to death.  Nothing.  And those who haven't gone through it cannot fully understand what it's like.  There are no words that can ever express the depth and pain of that loss.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Sep Paro said:

 

I have been in this dark time since July last year. In November my doc gave me antidepressant as my moral was quite low. I am taking them now and they helped to pass some of the  harder time but you will need to work on yourself as well, listen to podcasts, stop contact, apply mindfulness and shift your thinking when your ex is popping in your head over and over again. It is a very slow process so be gentle on yourself. You will get better. 

Again, I understand that you are grieving a break up and that it is painful.  I'm glad that antidepressants are helping, but there's no such thing for us as "shifting your thinking when your ex is popping in your head" because the partners we are grieving are not exes; they are still our partners, but they have been taken by death.  I'm stymied as to who you mean when you say "stop contact."  Believe me there is no time during the day or night when our partners are not in our hearts and minds.

The advice you give is good for someone going through a painful break up and some of it applies in general, but please understand that a good deal of it does not apply to loss of a partner to death.  It's simply not the same thing at all.

[Alone. Again.]

Yes. He was not my 'ex'. He was my fiancé and he died. That is not remotely comparable to a break up.

There are other groups on here that deal with break ups. You should seek those out instead.

[movingon]

47 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

There are other groups on here that deal with break ups. You should seek those out instead.

What on earth is going on with those posts ? I'm confused. I'm sorry I haven't reached out earlier, I've been dealing with the bank's incompetence today, had to get a lift into town for John's estate, today of all days...the volunteer driver asked if I lived alone after me saying the words "we"and "my husband" several times while he chatted. Creeped me out. Do city and Uber drivers in the city ask that? Then I had to send a lengthy email to an acquaintance I've known for 15 years, she was a very familiar acquaintance but she's sent me two texts since John passed and they were both completely inappropriate and upsetting. I told her I had to end the acquaintance because her words have been disturbing and stressful to me. I wanted to spend the day checking on all of you instead and spending  time here. AloneAgain, how are you doing? I truly hope you're okay today, please let me know. Everyone has been so quiet today, it's an awful feeling. 

[movingon]

@LostThomasyes, I'm sorry for your day too , that sounds wonderful going to play the piano, thank you for all that you say and do here, you are so important to me and all of us, have a peaceful night

[widower2]

13 hours ago, Sep Paro said:

The person I am missing is not dead … thats why it's even worse for me.. we are “ just “ no longer together. Thank you

https://forums.grieving.com/forum/40-divorce-or-ending-of-a-relationship-not-related-to-a-physical-loss/

[Alone. Again.]

I'm glad yesterday and all that came with it is over.

Maud, thank you. I'm sorry to hear about the creepy driver. There are some strange types around and having to attend to John's estate with the significance of yesterday. I hope you're OK. 

I'm pleased you found the strength to challenge your acquaintance. I hope this was cathartic for you. There are a fair few people I wouldn't mind challenging myself.

Thomas, I hope playing the piano provided the peace you wanted. I'm sorry it was a tough day.

I was thinking of you all. Yesterday was just particularly difficult and hard to deal with.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Sep Paro said:

The person I am missing is not dead … thats why it's even worse for me.. we are “ just “ no longer together. Thank you

That does not mean you do not grieve, just that the cause is different.  I remember when my XH and I divorced after 23 years...it was one of the most horrific times of my life (our situation different in that we weren't intimate/close, he never let me in or opened up to me, but our church booted me out, they literally changed all the locks and hired someone to "rid the church of me"...she told me, "Man, you were involved in EVERYTHING!" Yes I was. ) I received ridicule from everywhere, including my job.  He was a man of clout, full of hypocrisy and lies...
I used to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and tell myself, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't, but it was a bad experience to live through and I will never forget it.  Even as bad at it was, it had far reaching tentacles...and there were mixed feelings, esp. with children involved.

Divorce (or separation) is unique from death, but it's very hard to experience.  I'm sorry @Sep Paro

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Sep Paro said:

The person I am missing is not dead … thats why it's even worse for me.. we are “ just “ no longer together. Thank you

I would not state it as Annie did, comparisons devalue, and comparing separation in death devalues what you are feeling, not something we want to do.  Be that as it may, each person's experience they are going through is the most horrific.  By the same count, I know of someone widowed whose husband died and she exclaimed, "Good riddance, the old coot!"  When you knew her story, you couldn't blame her, he was a horrid person that drank and beat her throughout their marriage, ordering her about.  She never married again, she lived alone and in peace the rest of her life, never wanting to give anyone else her control.  See, it's all in our own experience.  Most of us do value/miss our person, whoever it may be and regardless of how it happened.

I do understand what Annie is saying about the irrevocableness of death, we cannot ever talk to them again or make amends, tell them how we feel. 

[movingon]

Oh it really was cathartic I am glad I finally did it. I need to shed those people that hurt or stress me, so that was a good step. I would love dearly to say so much to his family members that have turned on me but I know if I did I would simply be contributing to a prolonging of meanspirited words and I don't need that in my life. I have to close that door or I will forever be haunted by them. It's my life now, alone, and I am going to be in control now of who I permit into my life, I'm fed up with being victimized by his family, by acquaintances that hurt me and by creepy drivers. I don't have John to lean on or talk to or save me so I'm going to do it...myself ! Enough of this ....!!!!

[Alone. Again.]

Wow Maud. I think that's amazing. Good for you! I'm very impressed and spurred on somewhat by your stance on this.

Thank you.

[Sep Paro]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

That does not mean you do not grieve, just that the cause is different.  I remember when my XH and I divorced after 23 years...it was one of the most horrific times of my life (our situation different in that we weren't intimate/close, he never let me in or opened up to me, but our church booted me out, they literally changed all the locks and hired someone to "rid the church of me"...she told me, "Man, you were involved in EVERYTHING!" Yes I was. ) I received ridicule from everywhere, including my job.  He was a man of clout, full of hypocrisy and lies...
I used to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and tell myself, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't, but it was a bad experience to live through and I will never forget it.  Even as bad at it was, it had far reaching tentacles...and there were mixed feelings, esp. with children involved.

Divorce (or separation) is unique from death, but it's very hard to experience.  I'm sorry @Sep Paro

I am sorry, i just started to use this app and selected the wrong topic. I apologize to all for hurting you if I Did and thank you @KayC for your kind words. 

[Sep Paro]

18 hours ago, widower2 said:

https://forums.grieving.com/forum/40-divorce-or-ending-of-a-relationship-not-related-to-a-physical-loss/

Thank you for the link

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Again, I understand that you are grieving a break up and that it is painful.  I'm glad that antidepressants are helping, but there's no such thing for us as "shifting your thinking when your ex is popping in your head" because the partners we are grieving are not exes; they are still our partners, but they have been taken by death.  I'm stymied as to who you mean when you say "stop contact."  Believe me there is no time during the day or night when our partners are not in our hearts and minds.

The advice you give is good for someone going through a painful break up and some of it applies in general, but please understand that a good deal of it does not apply to loss of a partner to death.  It's simply not the same thing at all.

I am sorry, I am new and i did not pick up the proper topic. I sincerely apologize 

[movingon]

3 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Wow Maud. I think that's amazing. Good for you! I'm very impressed and spurred on somewhat by your stance on this.

Thank you.

It was that Megan Devine book DWS suggested, it must have given me courage, and I'm only maybe 20 pages in but I've been flipping to other chapters as the author said. But I do feel sooo much better for having been honest and open about feeling hurt. Next, I'm going to call the volunteer driver network and ask if they have any female drivers and "do you people vet any of these volunteers or just take anyone with a driver's license?" This is the second creepy driver I've had over the last year. Ick.