Antidepressants to help with grief?

[Alone. Again.]

Has anyone taken antidepressants to help with their grief? And if so, what were your experiences? 

I have been prescribed some by my doctor as I am not coping and have regular dark thoughts. 

I am worried they will make me feel worse before they start to work, but how can I feel worse than I do already?

I'm battling with it and haven't taken any yet. 

Any thoughts/experiences anyone could share would be much appreciated. 

[KayC]

I haven't had antidepressants but have anti-anxiety, Buspar (Buspirone), it's in a class of it's own, safe, not an SSRI, had it since 2008, no side effects.  A friend recently started on it, I know she'd battled depression, she's feeling better than in years.  Have you researched what he prescribed?  Check out the side effects, only we can make that determination.  Sometimes we need something in the early time, but not being one to blindly trust the medical community, I'd still check it out.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Kay,

Yes, I have researched. It's mirtrazipine. She said it would also help me to sleep. 

People's experiences differ - some say it's great, some say they felt so much worse. The side effects don't sound good: suicidal thoughts, nausea, diarrhoea, weight gain...I know everyone reacts differently and it's not a one size fits all,  but I feel it's a risk and yet again going into the unknown which I'm already really struggling with. 

I already have anxiety and have refused medication up until now but I need something to get me through the endless despair and loneliness.

[KayC]

You might try Buspirone.  The side effects from Mirtazapine don't sound very good to me!  I had to do my own research and bring it to my doctor to get him to prescribe it and he got a little sarcastic with me and I told him, "Hey, I have a vested interest in this!  It affects ME!" and he complied.  So glad I did, he'd wanted to prescribe Valium!  Are you kidding?!  It takes 3 1/2 years to get off of it after one year on it!  AND it wipes me out, I was afraid I'd have an accident, he knew I had 100 mile/day commute!  Plus hard to function on it.  Nope!

[Alone. Again.]

I am usually that way but I feel so vulnerable and lost and just a shell of who I used to be. 

I took diazepam for a couple of weeks at first. I will have to think on it, but the mirtrazipine is staying sealed in its box for now.

Thank you for your help.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Thomas, 

I too have low confidence in doctors sharing with their patients. 

I've avoided taking anything in the past precisely for some of the reasons you've mentioned. I suppose I'm just desperate for something to take some of the pain away, even just a little.

What you've said is very helpful and not at all invasive. I really appreciate your help.

[movingon]

I've been on and off various antidepressants for decades, haven't taken any in a couple of years. In my experience I found most of them gave me side effects so I weaned myself off them slowly. I've known people who swear by certain antidepressants, so it varies from person to person. Whether they actually stopped my depression, I'd have to say, very little. It's been just over a month my husband passed and I've thought about whether I should try yet a different antidepressant, but I decided against it. I do however take sleeping pills and an anti anxiety medication, I have been taking these for years. I started suffering from panic attacks a long time ago. I have on and off been able to wean myself down to a half dose of these in the past - they are both extremely addictive and difficult to stop...once I left the doctor's office with the prescription, I was effectively on the hamster wheel, very hard to stop now. Especially now. I will at some point wean myself down again, but right now I look at it as.... I need this temporarily and one day hopefully in the future I won't. But...these don't help with my grief or despair or loneliness, only with sleep and anxiety. For myself, I don't believe any prescription would ease my grief, that I believe is going to have to happen with my mind and within my heart and that is going to be so very difficult but I am going to try. 

[widower2]

  

17 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Has anyone taken antidepressants to help with their grief? And if so, what were your experiences? 

I have been prescribed some by my doctor as I am not coping and have regular dark thoughts. 

I am worried they will make me feel worse before they start to work, but how can I feel worse than I do already?

I'm battling with it and haven't taken any yet. 

Any thoughts/experiences anyone could share would be much appreciated. 

The two most important things to keep in mind IMO 

1. There are diff kinds (classes) of antidepressants and different ones affect people differently.
2. It varies per person.

So what works great for someone might not work for someone else, in fact it might make them feel even worse. Bottom line though, you'll never know until you try. Trying nothing obviously won't get you anywhere. Try something...typically it takes a week or so before any change will be noticed, give or take, maybe two weeks tops. If you aren't feeling better on it or esp if you are feeling worse, STOP taking it and ask to try something else, esp a diff class. 

Unfortunately, the only thing for me that worked - really worked - was oxycontin. She had some left after she passed and I never heard of it but tried it and honestly it was a Godsend to me in those darkest days. It didn't get me "high," it just lifted that fog, got me at least part way out of that bottomless pit. But of course now everyone is so freaked out about it that good luck ever getting a prescription. Now I take Amitriptyline  and it helps a little, but only a little. But better than nothing.
 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Mikey D: That's really helpful and I appreciate the llink.I shall read through this.

Maud, that's exactly what I'm afraid of: Being on the 'hamster wheel' and as you say, no prescription can ease my grief. I just don't know how much longer I can carry on like I am. I don't know if I'm able to just keep getting through the days, hours, minutes. 

Widower 2, Thank you, I'm very reticent because I'm already in the bottomless pit. If it makes me feel worse, I'm worried I won't be able to get myself out by recognising it in order to stop taking it. I have taken amitriptyline in the past for back pain. It didn't help with that for that with me, but I'm glad it's helping you a little.

[KayC]

VERY GOOD RESPONSES!  I believe in informing ourselves and mainstream medical does little to address much of the problem, it's "here, take a pill" with little thought to side effects or addressing the root cause.  In my case my anxiety wasn't situational, it's lifelong, and I held off as long as I could.  I haven't had a panic attack since, for which I'm thankful, they are not fun and can mimic heart.

As far as depression goes, can be very much something in early grief...in my sister's case it was being forced to retire at 49.  She didn't get off of it until she was 78 in conjunction with the new doctor I got her.  She had no problems getting off of it, after nearly 30 years on it!  But yes, do not attempt getting off one without consulting your doctor, it can be tricky.  I did wean myself off statins and diabetic drugs, but very slowly over many weeks and had no problems as the root problem had already been addressed.

Diazepam is Valium.

[movingon]

Another thing you can do is if you do decide to take antidepressants, ask the doctor to put you on the lowest dose to start off with. Also, you can ask any people you know that might be on them which ones they take and if they are doing well on them or have had any side effects. There are also many natural supplements that might work for you, like St. John's Wort, Gaba...I've been taking Reishi mushroom tincture for a few months, but honestly, I haven't noticed any drastic improvement , so I don't know if I'll continue on that. I've also been taking melatonin at night to help me sleep, and I think it's helping so I might at some point be able to reduce my sleeping pill, because sleeping pills are so addictive and I'd like to get off that one as well  It's a hard decision to make whether to go on the antidepressants, the way I looked at it was always..  well, I need it for now, it doesn't have to be for life, I can wean myself off them if I want...and I might feel okay and that's why I've been on and off them for years. 

[DMB]

I have 10mg fluoxetine daily (Prozac).  Two plus years now.  Low dose SSRI and I have no side effects.  I haven't given much thought to stopping.  I just know it helped me.  I was having physical symptoms like ears ringing, being sensitive to loud noises, and the basic headache that would just not stop.  These symptoms went away quickly once I started.  When I get the ringing ear or a headache like that now, I know I'm doing too much, thinking too much, and just need to calm down.  I've taken a 2nd dose on those days, and it still helps.   Best wishes on what you decide.  There's so many different meds out there.  

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you all. 

I still haven't decided. It's a very bad day for me today.

[Alone. Again.]

I can't see a future beyond this. Everyone keeps saying the pain eases in time, but I can't envisage that ever happening. 

Most days for me are a mixture of sobbing or just staring like a zombie into nothing, but today the pain just overwhelmed me like an all encompassing black cloud. Just sobbing and thinking and missing him, everything about him, and us, so badly and feeling so angry, all of it, all at the same time. It's torturous and I don't know how long I can keep hanging in there. 

I'm off work and alone a lot and my friends and family seem to have all abandoned me because they don't know what to do or say, they come out with the same phrases over and over. None of them understand in the slightest. We were in love, we were everything to each other. I can't talk to them and even when I try to explain and ask them to listen, a wall just seems to come up and I'm on the other side of it.

I have lots of turmoil because he took his own life. I feel like I'm going mad. I don't have a clue how to live my life without him. 

Thank you for your words. I know you are also in just as much pain. I really hope you will do better soon.

[foreverhis]

I can only speak for myself, obviously.  Yes, I take a low dose of antidepressant for "situational depression."  It's actually a medication I've been taking for 15 years at a sub-clinical (50%) dose because it helps with some of my auto-immune symptoms and the mild situational depression I developed right along with my health problems limiting my life. 

After John died, our internist insisted that I raise that to the lowest clinical dose to help with my deep, dark grief and my overwhelming anxiety.  I take bupropion (Wellbutrin is the primary brand name; I take generic 24 hour release) every morning because the only side effect it has for me is that it interferes with sleep if I take it at night.  I have enough issues with insomnia now, I don't need to add to that.

Bupropion is not an SSRI nor an SNRI.  It's in a much smaller class called NDRI and works differently from the other classes.  It's been used in concert with other medications/methods to help people quit smoking.  And for some people, it can help with weight loss (I am not one of those people, unfortunately).  I have not had weight gain, dry mouth, or any of the other typical side effects, except that I did have a little dry mouth for the first few months I took it at the sub-clinical level and then again for a while when my doctor raised the dosage. 

It helps enough that my doctor feels no need to raise the dose.  He doesn't like prescribing high doses of most medications, preferring to find the lowest dose that helps and then add non-drug options like specific physical activities or physical therapy, proven natural things like melatonin for sleep or ginger for nausea, and mental health therapy if needed.  He's very much open to using both "Western medicine" and safe homeopathic options to keep prescriptions minimized.

I was resistant to increasing the dose and adding low dose alprazolam (Xanax) for anxiety and sleep, especially because I already have a number of prescriptions for my long-term health problems.  Because he's not a "pill pusher," I finally listened and gave in when he said, "I prescribe these for a reason. It's my best judgment and I need you to at least try them."  I did and he was right.  Being stoic and "toughing it out" often make things worse.

[movingon]

I was going to say yes, me too, bad day today...but I finished reading all these posts and Thomas's words are like untangling a messy ball of yarn...he puts perspective on all of this. Perspective that is so difficult find. On my two 1.5 hr dog walks all my mind did was wander back to the question...how can anyone endure a life like this? This absolute feeling of loneliness and emptiness we are all going through? It's just not human. It's all wrong. How do people survive?  It has to be by moments, there is no other way I can see to get through this. Maybe those moments turn into hours, then half days and so on. Maybe never to fill out whole lives though, maybe yes for some. We cannot possibly know. AloneAgain, I feel what you do about family and friends, I have no friends, I've had to reach out to acquaintances to drive me to stores, nobody understands, they don't say the right things, or they say nothing. Even with my sister it's been awkward, she just doesn't know what to say, I know she's there for me if I need but not in the way I need. This group is the only place where we can all bare our souls and they all 'get it' . Your situation is even more heartbreaking because he took his own life, I can't even pretend to understand the additional torment you are feeling. You need to talk, and talk more, until you feel you can breathe again. Whether it's here or with a grief counselor if you've considered that. You need more than family and friends to turn to, they just aren't always there for us at this time sadly. We're all here, as Thomas said. Always. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you all 

This is the only place I know my feelings will be understood. I'm so sorry for everyone's huge losses. 

You're right Thomas, losing love IS imprisonment of soul. Thank you for your words.

Maud, I am getting counselling through my work, but it's only every fortnight and the first session was very short, she told me to take each day slowly and have duvet days with my daughter......advice always seems to be practical things you should do on how to get past this....Get past this? I can't get past it. My boss actually said to me yesterday 'it will take a long time to get over it'. I will never get over losing the love of my life, he was my heart. I understand people don't know what to say, but I feel I have always been a strong support to all my friends and family. They don't actually want to listen and that's what I need. I like to think if they were in my situation, I would offer a lot more to the person I say I love and care about. I know I expect too much though because they don't seem capable or willing. Some people are fix it people, I'm not, I know I would offer my time and listen, I've done far more for them, for far less than what I'm going through.

I have signed up for an online bereavement through suicide session but I haven't heard when that will be yet. I've spoken to a bereavement helpline once. 

His family have excluded me completely. My grief is very layered. 

The worst part is that he and I were a constant source of support to each other. We texted throughout the day, we spoke every lunch break. He was the person I talked to about everything and he to me. He was my love and my best friend. 

Weekends are the worst. This weekend coming up would be our weekend alone without our respective children. I so looked forward to them. Now I dread them. We should be going out for Valentines day. I will be alone all weekend with these thoughts. I'm really struggling to find any hope.

I'm so sorry we are all going this. You're right, Maud, it isn't human. 

[KayC]

@Alone. Again.It sounds like you are doing what you can for yourself, I'll be glad when your grief support begins, hopefully weekly?

[Alone. Again.]

They really are endless. I don't know what to with myself, how to function anymore. 

We did everything together. The time flew by. Now I can't wait for the day to end, can't sleep anyway and dread waking up if I do manage to get any. How are you supposed to want to face the day when it's yet another day without them?

I am grateful to the few people who have offered to keep me company at times, but the truth is, I don't want their company, I want his but I can't have it. I don't know how to begin to accept that. He always said I was the best company in the world. But he was the best company in the world and the only company I wanted. 

I am so desperately sad and sorry we have to go through this. All of us. It is the cruellest pain.

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you Kay,

The individual support can't start until after the online session and I don't know when that will be yet. There's a waiting list, so could be a good while yet.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I am grateful to the few people who have offered to keep me company at times, but the truth is, I don't want their company, I want his but I can't have it.

My god...how I and so many others here get that!! Grief is so unbeatable with this complicated situation of knowing the only one who can help us in this moment is the one who was taken from us. Strangely enough...a lot of times,  I'd much rather be with my partner's absence than anyone else's presence!! 

[Alone. Again.]

DWS, I also feel that way.

I think we all struggle with not wanting to set anyone back and not wanting to say the wrong thing because we're hyper aware that we are all going through the same thing. I'm so grateful for the support and understanding from you all.

[DWS]

36 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

But clearly, I'd rather be in my partner's absence than anyone else's presence.   How that feeling will evolve I don't know.  But I don't see it changing for a while.  I'm in a place where I'm unlikely to move in substantial ways.  I'm not saying no movement forward, but I am saying slow movement forward because that is all I can handle.  .

I know that I need a lot of time alone in order for my troubled mind to keep processing the loss. I really needed to do that during those few first months so having others trying to occupy that time was actually intrusive. I think that's why the advice to those who are trying to care for us is to sit with us in our grief. That lets us continue thinking and processing. 

Keeping with that, I've noticed something that I'll do at times during the day. Sometimes I'll get a vivid picture of a moment with Tom...maybe a past trip to the grocery store...and I will literally stop whatever I'm doing and just concentrate on that moment. I picture everything around us and try to recall our dialogue. I want to picture and sense it all to be back in that moment. This is the kind of thing I can only do alone. 

[movingon]

You're not expecting too much from family and friends or anyone. It's not too much to expect others to say kind words, to show support, give comfort..that's the way society should be and especially at a time like this, I agree, why can't people be sympathetic? I don't understand people's behavior at the best of times, but really? Would they not want to be treated tenderly if they were going through such a critical and emotional time? I have no answers, I am floating in a bizarre sea of silence, indifference, inappropriate comments..I don't care anymore, this is obviously up to me to come to terms with my loss, and maybe that's the key...just coming to terms, not getting over it. If I wasn't forced to reach out and have these acquaintances drive me to places, I too would be keeping to myself and yes, John's company was the best company too because I could just be myself with him, something I find is lacking with anyone I know. I miss that, I feel on edge everytime I have to reach out for drives, feel I have to make idle chit chat, I feel uncomfortable, I'm not myself, it's stressful. I've been spending my days keeping as busy as I can, walking the dogs for hours on end, anything... because everytime I sit with the tv on in the background I'm annoyed with the triviality these shows spew out. Everything seems so small and irrelevant and frivolous on that tv. If I lay down to just rest my mind is a rollercoaster of thoughts I cannot stop. So I walk, I putter, and the only good part of the day is when I read the posts here. Misery truly does love company. But in this case, I find this group warm and cozy and just knowing you are all there, might sound strange but it makes me happy in a sense. I guess happy because it's the only time I don't feel so alone and lost. So AloneAgain, please don't give up hope, well..maybe with friends and family that isn't helping you, that maybe are adding more hurt...but don't give up hope with yourself, we will all help each other here as best we can, we'll help each other figure it out, somehow.

[Alone. Again.]

Oh Maud, 

Your words made me cry.  Thank you so much for your words of hope, despite how you yourself are feeling.

You're right, they would want to be treated as we want and it shouldn't be too much to expect a little care.

I feel for you having to rely on acquaintances, and understand why that would feel stressful. The very thought of making small talk sends me into an anxiety coma. Everyone I see walking around without a care in the world when ours have come crashing down is so hard to bear. As you say, the triviality of it all. My brain cannot compute how my world is broken and they are blissfully going about their daily lives. It feels so cruel. 

I'm right there with you about not being able to rest your mind. It's unbelievably hard.

I'm pleased you find warmth and comfort with everyone on here. I do too. I hope we all have a better day tomorrow. 

[movingon]

56 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

My brain cannot compute how my world is broken and they are blissfully going about their daily lives. It feels so cruel. 

Yes! It feels as though we've been transported to a different reality, yet we still walk among them. It feels like a strange horror sci-fi movie...overnight we've become outsiders in a sense. If I could magically wave a wand, I would create a gathering place, maybe a cozy pub with a fireplace and sofas and I would transport all of you there where we could meet and hug and cry and tell our stories and I bet someone would say something to lighten our spirits and we would share a little laugh. I'm sorry I made you cry, I think you are stronger than you think, that's what I'm feeling from you...you are in hell but you're here now and that's what matters. You matter. We all do. We need you, we need each other.

[movingon]

6 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

From the beginning I knew that isolation was going to become a problem and I tried to prepare for it, hoping, frankly expecting, that family and friends would instinctively make sure it didn't become a problem, at least in the near term.   

That's what makes it so shocking really, I suppose I expected more from family and people as well. Did I think it was going to be like a Hollywood movie? Everyone coming over, bringing homemade lasagna and meatloaf dishes for me... hugging, crying, recalling fond memories of John...staying over, everyone concerned about my state of mind, sincerely wanting to take care of me in some way? Didn't happen. I want to scream ...hello???? Where is everyone?  Must be close to my bedtime I'm getting snappy....Thank God for all of you, you've become my instant-family and friends !

[Alone. Again.]

I wish we could go to the gathering place you described, Maud. That sounds like just what we all need right now.

I too, knew isolation would be a problem. It is shocking that we've felt so alone in our grief within our own circle of friends and family. Everyone knows how much I struggle with weekends, particularly this weekend and yet not one person has offered to come and spend some time with me. I feel so alone.

Yesterday, my mum started telling me she needed a new toaster because hers was broken, blah, blah, blah. I lost it a bit and just shouted 'Frankly, I don't care in the slightest about your toaster'. I can't do small talk, don't you get it?'

How can I have gone from a world of happiness, unlimited love, support and laughter to this? It doesn't make any sense. 

I understand you getting snappy, I do too. 

I'm so thankful we have this place. I don't think I would be here without it.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I am grateful to the few people who have offered to keep me company at times, but the truth is, I don't want their company, I want his but I can't have it.

It has been a long time since anyone has cared about my company, so long since anyone has been here.  It's been a long time since my kids have been here, let alone anyone else.  Everything has changed.  When George was alive we had people over, the kids were always around or at least coming for the holidays...

I understand your words...it feels we're sometimes in a juxtaposition.

 

[movingon]

6 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Everyone knows how much I struggle with weekends, particularly this weekend and yet not one person has offered to come and spend some time with me. I feel so alone.

I wonder if people are thinking maybe you need space..or are they afraid they won't know how to deal with your grief and emotions? Trying to think of answers for people's lack of help. It's almost as though they're afraid..the concept of death, the aftermath to the person who has lost their loved one, I don't know, I just can't understand it. As Kay said, everything has changed. Don't you go anywhere though, we'll all keep talking until we find some light, some peace, something to ease this grief.

[Alone. Again.]

I don't think they think I need space. I have actively told people I am really suffering. I heard more from people before this happened. I've reached out to people for help and comfort. It's almost as if they feel so uncomfortable that they just pretend it isn't happening. I'm deeply sorry my grieving is making YOU feel anything other than how you should feel which is sad for your loved one and empathy. I just don't get it. It compounds your grief and as you say, Thomas, I wrestle with it every day. 

I saw this article the other day. She makes some good points.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2022/jan/29/my-partner-died-then-my-brother-heres-what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-is-grieving

Thank you for your words and understanding, as always.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

I don't think they think I need space. I have actively told people I am really suffering. I heard more from people before this happened. I've reached out to people for help and comfort. It's almost as if they feel so uncomfortable that they just pretend it isn't happening. I'm deeply sorry my grieving is making YOU feel anything other than how you should feel which is sad for your loved one and empathy. I just don't get it. It compounds your grief and as you say, Thomas, I wrestle with it every day. 

It's an awful observance of mine but I've concluded that our constant grief due to our personal loss is an intrusion to the wants of others for continual good times. It's a sad conclusion because in so many ways, I do understand it. It's been mentioned here so many times that it is our worlds that have been shattered....our lives...our everyday. Those around us may be saddened at the loss but for most, their everyday has not been affected. They are still booking and excited about their vacations to a warmer climate. They are still getting estimates on bathroom renos or new kitchen cabinets....or checking for good deals on a new sofa...or getting reservations at a restaurant...or etc. The brakes on their lives haven't suddenly been jammed. They may be able to take some time to listen to us but our grief needs more than that. 

[movingon]

I understand both your points Thomas and Alone again...I think in order for me to release my inner hurt and disbelief with family and friends, I need to rationalize what they are doing, not doing and the things they have said that hurt. I harbor too much bitterness  with their actions and words, I will wake suddenly at night and feel that bitterness, that resentment. It haunts me. It consumes me, and I know I don't need those emotions on top of everything else I'm feeling. My sister called last night and at one point she was telling me that one of her friends asked how I was doing and they obviously talked about me continuing alone..because my sister then asks, do you see yourself maybe finding someone and being in another relationship, you're only 58... It was between my blacking out from rage or responding in as calm a matter as I could so I just said...NO. John is everywhere here in our home, on our property, every room I walk into I am surrounded by him. So, NO I do not want another relationship, what I need is a good friend, someone I can talk to or have over or they would race over last minute if I had an emergency or needed help with something. Someone I could feel as easily and comfortably as I did with John. Did she understand that I needed John, not just a battery that died and needed replacement? I know her question wasn't malicious, she has told me that if her husband passed she would absolutely have to find someone else. That's fine, but she wants me to live life as she would, she has always been that way. That's fine as well, I used to be able to let it slide, but since his terminal diagnosis in May, her comments have stung deeply. So I've had to find a way to tread through our relationship...sometimes I can be frank with her and other times it's been a battle of words. It's tiring, upsetting, depressing ...I do expect more from her but these zingers she's asked or said this year have been like unexpected slaps and for God's sake, when someone is fragile and on the verge of shattering as I've been throughout his cancer, WHY oh WHY? What is wrong with people? 

[Alone. Again.]

DWS, I think there's some truth to that, sad though it is. 

Maud, I'm really sorry you had to go through that conversation with your sister.....

In my experience, people seem to get very put out if you don't do what they suggest or if it doesn't help even if you do. I suppose some may feel helpless.

But, I'm with you Thomas, I think it's just basic human decency, I expect more from people who say they love me. I would expect more from myself if the shoe were on the other foot to do my best to help and be there in any way I can.

[movingon]

Years ago someone said to me.. people have their uses...this was after I bemoaned the fact that I felt disconnected from people and had no true friends even though I would try in my own way to reach out and connect with some people I felt comfortable with. It stuck in my head ..people have their uses....I thought..I'm not the type to just use people insincerely, it's just not me. But as time passed and those words still rolled around in my mind, I turned those words into my own little mantra....take what I need and nothing more...take what I need and nothing more. Her words made sense to me in my own way. So now, in this desperate time, I'm trying to do just that. I'm asking specific people for what I need and no more. In my case it's reliance on being driven to shops and wherever. If these acquaintances show empathy or try to give me what small comfort they can with their words, I take it, I ask no more. In the case of my sister, I asked her before John died if she would come 2 hrs north to stay over once a month (she has her own social butterfly life) . So she has been because I asked. I am taking what I need, nothing more..I honestly don't know how often she would come see me if I hadn't asked. But even though I'm trying to ask and take what I need, the reality is...I want them to give me what I need on their own. I want them to feel for me, to say and do the things I need on their own. To help me, comfort me on their own. Without me having to ask. 

[movingon]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

It's an awful observance of mine but I've concluded that our constant grief due to our personal loss is an intrusion to the wants of others for continual good times

Yes, so so true. That is what it feels like, because yes, that's pretty much the conversations I'm getting after the initial ..how are you doing?...then I listen to exactly what you said, exciting holidays to be booked, what great food they ate at a restaurant, my ex brother in law weeks ago was talking about the big Reno they're doing in the kitchen and how heartbroken he was when his wife threw out the barstool chairs from their old kitchen island. HEARTBROKEN he was..hmmm....yes, their lives go on but all I can see is how very small their lives seem compared to ours. And you're right, we are probably a wet cushion thrown on the excitement of their lives. 

[movingon]

58 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

Well, I've concluded they aren't willing to take some time to listen

Or they are but they are so far removed from our experience they simply don't have the tools to respond properly. I had to send an email to my sister in the summer explaining to her how her many continual comments were just not appropriate, not sensitive and so on. Silence. She was silent for days then when we finally spoke she said ..I don't know how to talk to you anymore, everything I say upsets you. So I took the time to explain and she took the time to listen...and yet, I am still getting the same comments. 

[Alone. Again.]

I think I've been very clear about what I've needed and reached out to people for help. I have asked, and still nothing. 

It makes you question entire relationships with people who have been in your life for a really long time. 

Maybe we're just different to them? Maybe we feel more for others. Some people just can't handle when things get tough. They hide, waiting for things to calm down then appear again. I honestly feel people will come out the woodwork when they think I may have 'perked' up a little. They don't seem to realise I'm only a shadow of what I once was, and I will only ever be half of who I am because the other half is no longer here. In any case, I don't think I could move passed how they've treated me. 

16 minutes ago, maud said:

yes, their lives go on but all I can see is how very small their lives seem compared to ours.

This really resonates with me. 

I mean move past. I feel deserted when I needed them the most.

I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't come across this site.

[DWS]

46 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Some people just can't handle when things get tough. They hide, waiting for things to calm down then appear again. I honestly feel people will come out the woodwork when they think I may have 'perked' up a little. They don't seem to realise I'm only a shadow of what I once was, and I will only ever be half of who I am because the other half is no longer here. In any case, I don't think I could move passed how they've treated me. 

This really resonates with me. 

I mean move past. I feel deserted when I needed them the most.

If you haven't yet come across her, I think you might find a bit of solace in Megan Devine's Youtube postings and her book "It's Okay That You're Not Okay". Here's just an example that is very relevant to this discussion...

 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you, DWS,

That's very thoughtful and helpful. I will look at some more.

 

[movingon]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

don't know what I would have done if I hadn't come across this site.

Me too..I wonder if this site is better than individual grief counseling because here we can talk whenever we need to, instead of a scheduled session, we're surrounded by others experiencing the same emotions, ...it just feels like we can speak about absolutely anything affecting us, and we share our  stories. It feels natural here. I agree with you as well about people maybe coming out of the woodwork at some point. I've thought about that. Are we a disease and they need to keep away until they feel safe? 

[Alone. Again.]

I agree Maud. We can't schedule our thoughts or feelings in a one hour time slot.

It would certainly appear that way sometimes....but we are not a disease. We are the unknown. People are always ignorant to the unknown. Doesn't make you feel much better, I know. 

[movingon]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

If you haven't yet come across her, I think you might find a bit of solace in Megan Devine's Youtube postings and her book

That sent chills up my spine, about friends and acquaintances crossing the street to avoid interacting with them. So true when she says, not only have we lost our loved one, but we've lost our people.

[RichS]

DMB:  I also take a low dose of  Fluoxetine daily (Prozac). Have been taking it for at least 10 years now and it works well for me. Some antidepressants outlive their usefulness and you have to switch off to another one. Not fun.

[movingon]

20 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

This issue of empathy and insensitive treatment is a major contributor to depression and it significantly impa

I'm sorry for all of this Thomas, I think we need to expose this sad truth for many of us. Because it is crippling us, it is hindering, and that's a mild word for it, but it is adding yet another layer to our suffering (AloneAgain I think you used that word well ). How do we deal with it? I try to rationalize, and that doesn't work...I'm at such a loss....here is another example .yes, my sister is coming up, this weekend actually, it's the 4 week slot...god that's sad.  But anyhow, one of my husband's best friends since childhood...said he might drop by Saturday to say hello and pick up one of John's tools to try to sell for me...I told him my sister would be up and if we were out running errands, I would leave the key for him but that I'd love to see him, he's been very kind and helpful throughout these 8 months. I mentioned to my sister that Mark might be dropping by and she said, oh I'd like to meet Mark, I love to chitchat. As I mentioned, she's a social butterfly rose colored glasses, never had conflicts or trauma or illness in her life ..one divorce that's all.yesvim sure that's traumatic but not the same as death. She loves platitudes and is always trying to be positive about everything. Yes that's a good thing, however she lacks tact and often says things without thinking beforehand. So when she said she'd love to chitchat with him, I quietly said, um...it's not a party. I left it at that. Then today she brought up Mark coming by again and said, oh we can have tea ! I bit my lip again because then my mind started going over all the things she shouldn't have said to me this year and remembering the hurt I felt. Now I'm visualizing her saying things to Mark in her flowery joking tactless way..again, not maliciously but just not thinking about her words. So I stewed and simmered for a bit and then dread set in. Dreading the thought of her acting jolly and light with Mark. So I texted her and said please keep in mind that Mark has also lost someone who was like a brother to him and please remember it will not be party time should they meet, for him and for me. She replied simply, yep, got it. I'm angry now because I feel I've offended her when I shouldn't be feeling that. I'm angry because she's 61 years old and I should not especially at this time when I feel like cracking have to tell her to use common sense. She should have some wisdom at this age. I don't want to educate anybody on how to behave, how to speak to those who have lost loved ones. I want them all to wake up. But they won't. I'm sorry for ranting Thomas, knowing that your son hasn't been to see you since Christmas. I sincerely and for you desperately wish he would realize how that is hurting you. I am so so sorry. 

[movingon]

1 hour ago, LostThomas said:

am already dreading Friday night and the weekend.   It will just be another mess of loneliness for me.  Three weeks in a row now have been just brutal.

We'll all be here with you Thomas, promise. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you RichS. It's definitely a bit of a minefield. Sending good thoughts your way after reading your recent post. 

[widower2]

General suggestion: as much as possible, try to keep busy. Even house work or yard work (granted not much this time of year) is better than sitting around stewing in the situation. Read. TV. Talk a walk. Hobbies. Shop. Don't need anything? Window shop, just to get out of the house. ANYTHING. Just try to "keep moving" and focus attention elsewhere. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thomas, I'm really sorry if my comments have exacerbated your feelings. 

7 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I fully realize my very personhood, something I've written extensively about here, is at so much risk now of slipping into an abyss that only the love of my life rescued me from.

Yes, I feel this too.

 

7 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I am already dreading Friday night and the weekend.   It will just be another mess of loneliness for me.  Three weeks in a row now have been just brutal

The weekends are the worst for me too. The dread is inescapable. 

I honestly don't know how to deal with any of this, I'm certainly not doing it very well at all. I think you're right about being on here though. We clearly all need support and we're not getting it from the places we hoped we would. We will all be here.

[Alone. Again.]

I'm sorry Maud, you shouldn't have to be navigating this along with everything else and I understand your need to vent. 

I find this all quite immobilising. I wish I could sleep through the entire weekend, but sleep has evaded me since this happened.