Antidepressants to help with grief?

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

I've reached out to people for help and comfort. It's almost as if they feel so uncomfortable that they just pretend it isn't happening.

The article mentions what we've all felt, experienced...change dates/person, it's the same.

When George died I lost every single friend we had overnight!  No more invitations, no one coming by, nothing.  My pastor at the time went on vacation the next morning like nothing happened!  (My world just imploded and you're off having fun?!!!)  My two best friends didn't even bother coming to his funeral!  They didn't have excuses, it just want a fun thing to do!  WTH!  One made a trip to the coast (scheduled AFTER he died!), the other came up with an unbelievably lame excuse that wasn't.  It was the hardest time in my life.  When my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, died years later, people were kinder to me than when my husband died!  I don't get it.  I never will.  Not everyone experiences this to the extent I did, but enough do that it's worth mentioning...people are obviously uncomfortable with grief.  I get that, it's not like we enjoy it!  What I don't get is how they deem it okay to just ditch us like that!  These are people I saw through nasty divorces, etc.  I'd never ditched them.  I'd been there for them.  They were undeserving of my friendship.
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, DWS said:

Megan Devine's Youtube postings and her book "It's Okay That You're Not Okay".

This is notable, her book is amazing, my pastor has often quoted from it.

15 hours ago, maud said:

.I wonder if this site is better than individual grief counseling because here we can talk whenever we need to

Not to be dismissive of grief counseling in the least, but personally, it was my grief forum that saw me through...

[KayC]

14 hours ago, LostThomas said:

My son hasn't come to see me since Christmas and he's 20 minutes away.

Oh Thomas, this breaks my heart.  My kids are busy working, and my son with his family, I know that, my daughter 1 1/2 hours away, my son 3.  I make all the drives to family get togethers, which he's taken over the last 10 1/2 years.  My China sits unused, getting it's annual washing.My house feels haunted with ghosts from the past, alone, always alone.  But 20 minutes away?  No excuse!  My mom was widowed 32 years.  I was busy working, raising kids, yet never a week went by I didn't listen to her, I traveled the 3 hour round trip to see her, take her out to lunch, get groceries, shopping, made it all about her.  THIS is the example my kids had set for them!  My MIL was bedridden with cancer the last three years of her life...I took my babies with me and went to her home to take care of her every day, my FIL had her at night and Sunday mornings when we attended church.  He could go bowling, get away, but I was always there for her...for him.  Have they forgotten?  It was only a 30 min. round trip yet I'd have done it had it been more.  I've been through rough places in my life...when I was 14 my sisters Donna, Peggy, and Donna's 3 year old and 4 month old baby were in a horrific accident...it killed my nephew Jimmy, the baby left unscathed.  Donna was in a coma 4 1/2 months, Peggy two weeks.  Peggy's equilibrium was severely damaged, she fell her whole life, it became a serious issue as she aged.  Donna had severe brain trauma, her mind keen, but her body unable to respond, she was left quadriplegic.  We had to teach her to talk again, now it was monotone and gravelly.  We tried to teach her to walk again with PT, but it never happened.  I was a child taking on adult responsibility, taking care of her and my younger sister and the baby.  The stress on my parents unbearable....my dad drinking, my mom turned vicious...particularly towards me.  The abuse was incredible.  I guess when you go through something like this you grow up overnight.  Do you think I'd turn my back on someone grieving?  Hell no!

I personally don't see any excuse!  Step up to the plate, families and friends!

 

[KayC]

On 2/9/2023 at 3:39 PM, maud said:

one divorce that's all.yesvim sure that's traumatic but not the same as death.

IMO, the divorce I went through after 23 years of marriage to a controller that had a lot of clout was horrific, the church I'd been a member of all those years in which I had done literally everything, turned it's back on me and threw me out, hatefulness from neighbors, on the job, you name it!  You cannot imagine the things he put me through.  I would never downplay how horrible a divorce can be.  However, you are right in that it is NOT the same as a death!  Death of my beloved soulmate was the worst thing and there is no end to our grief...divorce I eventually got through and past.  Losing my husband...no, I will miss him until the day I die!

 

On 2/10/2023 at 4:19 AM, LostThomas said:

 Whether it's a game, or a toaster, we matter, those we lost matter.

This.

[movingon]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Step up to the plate, families and friends!

Kay, it's terrible reading about how all your friends disappeared, and after the life you've had and all the love and help you gave to everyone throughout. That's one thing that's been on my mind and I've noticed that no one here really talks about...friends, good friends...all these posts by everyone, there is more talk about family members hurting us by their absence physically or vocally, but not as much about friends. I know I'm friendless, and you've spoken about what happened with you Kay, but what about everyone else? Did the same happen to you? Did any of you have good friends before your loss?  Do any have them now and are they here for you more than family? I suppose I'm fantasizing...that if I had had really good friends before John died that maybe I would have more sympathy and support than I'm getting....

[DWS]

3 hours ago, maud said:

I know I'm friendless, and you've spoken about what happened with you Kay, but what about everyone else? Did the same happen to you? Did any of you have good friends before your loss?  Do any have them now and are they here for you more than family? 

I'd really like to say that I do but it's not really the case. One couple, in particular, has really disappointed me. They were there for me in those first few days listening to my shattered heart. Not quite three weeks after Tom passed away, the one half sent a text commenting on the unusually warm-ish day we were having here in southwestern Ontario (early March last year). He suggested that I should get outside and go for a walk which might sound like good advice but it was the last thing I wanted to do. One of the greatest joys I had was the walks Tom and I did over the years we were together. Walking solo was just not going to happen and so I politely mentioned that in my reply. His response..."Tom would want you to get out and enjoy the sunshine". I knew right then and there that this was going to add to my grief. This same couple sent me a birthday greeting four months later. I thanked them for it and mentioned that it was going to be a challenging day to endure now without Tom. I got no reply at all...nothing! The only conclusion that I could end up with is that they just didn't want to bear witness to my sadness. 

I will say that there have been two people who emerged out of the shadows for me. One is my brother-in-law's sister who had gone through four years of grief herself after the loss of her husband. She and I never really had much in common beforehand but she came to my rescue the minute she heard the news of my loss and we were communicating a lot in those first few months. The other person is Harry who is a friend of friends and this person I find is the most interesting. He called with condolences about three months after when he heard of Tom's death. I knew that Harry had suffered a nervous breakdown a few years before and had to take early retirement. He's lived with depression ever since and also has taken a real beating financially. Our occasional phone chats have been quite comforting as we both are meeting each other in our worlds of grief and depression. There are no holds barred in our deep chats...just total honesty and frankness with our views on life and the ways of society....and neither one of us is trying to cheer the other one up. He has remarked that he actually feels somewhat lighter after we've chatted and the same happens for me as well. 

[movingon]

DWS, I'm glad you wrote about Harry, it actually made me feel less gloomy. I'm happy you and he have kept in touch. So important to have communication with others that we find even a small connection with especially now. If I hadn't found this site I just don't know where I would be emotionally, I'm afraid to think of it.

[Alone. Again.]

Kay: I am so sorry for all you've gone through. The fact you're able to be so supportive of others is testament to your character, strength and warmth. I always appreciate your words.

2 hours ago, maud said:

what about everyone else? Did the same happen to you? Did any of you have good friends before your loss?  Do any have them now and are they here for you more than family?

I'll be honest, I thought I had such an amazing circle of both family and friends, but it's true that you find out who people really are during times of crises. 

My closest friend of 28 years has been there for me in some ways (She is going to the inquest in my place so I can finally have some answers) and goes through periods of listening, but mostly she mothers me and tries to take charge. I'm sure she thinks she's helping, but I don't need another mother and I am 44 years old and a mother myself. She tells me I 'need' to do things. One of the things I've noticed really grates on me is when people use the phrase 'at least' or if I tell them I did something, they say 'that's really positive', or 'that's brilliant'. I just want to tell them that actually, no, nothing is good anymore. She touches base every couple of weeks or so to make sure I'm still alive I think.

Another of my close friends used this as an opportunity to tell me what a poor friend I have been over the years when I asked her why I hadn't heard from her in three weeks. She had told me she would be there for me and how much she loved me, and then proceeded to say mean things about him and our relationship, which she knows very little about.  I have been there for her through so many of her 'difficult' times. Even when I was going through post natal depression and a break up with my daughter's father. I still listened and helped her in anyway I could. She would call and I would answer and be supportive even though my daughter had finally got to sleep and all I needed was peace. Her saying this to me has made me question what kind of friend I am. I've looked back on times I've had with all my friends and read through message exchanges and honestly, I don't think I could have given more. I gave up so much of my time (including precious time with him) to help all of my friends. I can't believe she turned on me to this great extent at this most devastating time.

My sister has tried to be there and my mum (can you tell I'm from the UK?) But as lovely as their intention is, when I cry, they cry, but louder, and I honestly can't handle it. They aren't crying because they are grieving for him, they are trying to show their empathy for me, but somehow, I feel silenced by this. My brother sent me his 'condolences' via text and my other sister is so dramatic and self absorbed, I barely feel I can have a conversation with her about anything, let alone this.

I know nobody in my life who has ever experienced this, so they have no idea whatsoever. All in all, contact has been infrequent and uncomfortable. 

Truthfully, the only person I have ever known who I could truly lay it all out on the line and be my 100% truest self with was him. Maybe that's why we're so disappointed and angry. No one can ever offer what they could and nobody else's thoughts and opinions could ever mean as much. 

I went for a long walk today and realised that other than my daughter, I haven't made eye contact with anyone at all since this happened. I don't know why. 

I'm sorry for the long ramble. I haven't spoken to anyone for a few days. I was about to go under into the abyss and then noted that the only solice I have found has been in this site with people who lives miles and miles away. 'At least' that's something. And it really is. 

 

[movingon]

52 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

But the last time I conveyed to her that the lack of support was hurting me she said, "Have you tried calling him?"   This problem does NOT originate from me! 

I agree, it isn't up to you at this time suffering as you are to make that phonecall. He needs to want to come to you, he needs to want to support you and offer you comfort. I won't pry or ask what conflict may have existed prior to losing Mitzi if there was one. But I think in this case Thomas, lean on your daughter and keep her close during this time. You have her in your life and that relationship  is to be cherished. Your son needs to come to the realization of the gravity of the hurt he has caused you and the consequences of it.  I pray he will at some point. Because I want your suffering from that conflict to not exist. You suffer enough. 

[Alone. Again.]

16 minutes ago, maud said:

I pray he will at some point. Because I want your suffering from that conflict to not exist. You suffer enough. 

I agree, Maud.

As Kay said earlier:

3 hours ago, maud said:

Step up to the plate, families and friends

I have so much compassion and identify with how we've all felt let down by loved ones.

[movingon]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

Truthfully, the only person I have ever known who I could truly lay it all out on the line and be my 100% truest self with was him. Maybe that's why we're so disappointed and angry. 

Thank you AloneAgain for sharing that. I don't know why it's been on my mind... about friends..but hearing these stories, maybe for me, it completes the picture...the picture of pretty much lack of support not just with family...and it helps me to see your and DWS and Kay's world much more distinctly. Boy, this society really is in trouble.has it always been this way? I wonder if our parents generation was different in the sense of community and family? Have we progressed so much and yet lost something within ourselves? It's an online world, less social in a sense..less person to person contact I mean..and yet thank god for online or I wouldn't be talking to you across the pond in the UK. 

[movingon]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

My closest friend of 28 years has been there for me in some ways (She is going to the inquest in my place so I can finally have some answers) and goes through periods of listening, but mostly she mothers me and tries to take charge

I'm glad you have her. My sister is like that, motherly, and wants to control..that's why I keep saying to myself, take what I need and nothing more....if we weren't sisters we wouldn't be friends, but I have no friends so we muddle through our complex relationship. Sigh. 

[Alone. Again.]

Maud, how are you doing today? How have you been coping?

 

18 minutes ago, maud said:

of community and family? Have we progressed so much and yet lost something within

Maybe, in so much as they were in much more of a closer vicinity, i.e, living on the same street/area and having no other choice, but, to be honest, I suspect this way of dealing with other people's grief is historic. It depends on the individual's personality and how much they would give and listen. I don't believe that has changed. 

I do think social media (of which i am not part of in any way) definitely almost precludes you from HAVING to deal with emotional stuff of any kind. Because people can easily just respond with emojis as of that's some kind of recognised response to human emotions/life/turmoil/love/heartbreak. As far as I'm concerned, that definitely is not responding and recognising human emotion. So, I think people of the younger generation are comfortable in using a sad face to show they're affected in some way by someone's upset or tragedy and globally, that is acceptable in those terms. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand emojis and their uses but I don't believe they shoukd be replaced by human contact whether that be through face to face, on the phone  or texting, you cannot truly relay emotions through a round yellow cartoon. 

Sorry, this bothers me, as a few friends and family have responded to my spilling my heart through emojis. 

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Her saying this to me has made me question what kind of friend I am. I've looked back on times I've had with all my friends and read through message exchanges and honestly, I don't think I could have given more. I gave up so much of my time (including precious time with him) to help all of my friends. I can't believe she turned on me to this great extent at this most devastating time.

It hurts me just to read this. Unfortunately, our grief makes us look inward and analyze everything. Sadly, I did the same thing that you've been doing....questioning yourself and the role you played to make sense of why friends aren't as aware of how completely destroyed we are. How can they be so bloody dense?!! But once I learned that this is such a common occurrence for grievers, that helped quell some of my angst and agitation. 

Here's something light-hearted to share with you. Tom brought out the Trekkie in me and I just love that someone in the world placed this short clip of Dr. Beverly Crusher with one of the greatest lines that I fall back on all the time...

 

[movingon]

12 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Sorry, this bothers me, as a few friends and family have responded to my spilling my heart through emojis. 

Yes I get you completely...I'd rather go back to the telephone calls that get an emoji. Everyone switched to texting and it's just so hard to convey your thoughts properly or understand the tone of someone's text. I'm feeling better this afternoon, had an awful sleep. It's just when I wake in the middle of the night and if something is preying on my mind which is usually something ignorant someone says, I start to think of all the times people have upset me, and I feel bitter and angry. Anger is such poison for our bodies, and I'm a bad one for stewing on people's words. Before I fell asleep and was reading, which is the only thing I look forward to..going to bed early and reading, that's life now...it was strange...my one dog was growling lightly so I looked at him and asked what is it? Then he jumped on the bed and was unsettled..so I got up went to the living room, turned on the floodlights and looked outside. There was nothing, it was raining, but I was suddenly overcome with this heavy horror and intense fear...I was alone. All I could think of was oh my god I'm alone here and I'm afraid. It was such a feeling of panic, black frightening intense panic. 

[movingon]

20 minutes ago, DWS said:

this short clip of Dr. Beverly Crusher with one of the greatest lines that I fall back on all the time...

Quite true what she says!! I ordered the Megan Devine book last night thank you for sharing that info !

[movingon]

42 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

Maud, how are you doing today? How have you been coping?

 

Maybe, in so much as they were in much more of a closer vicinity, i.e, living on the same street/area and having no other choice, but, to be honest, I suspect this way of dealing with other people's grief is historic. It depends on the individual's personality and how much they would give and listen. I don't believe that has changed. 

I do think social media (of which i am not part of in any way) definitely almost precludes you from HAVING to deal with emotional stuff of any kind. Because people can easily just respond with emojis as of that's some kind of recognised response to human emotions/life/turmoil/love/heartbreak. As far as I'm concerned, that definitely is not responding and recognising human emotion. So, I think people of the younger generation are comfortable in using a sad face to show they're affected in some way by someone's upset or tragedy and globally, that is acceptable in those terms. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand emojis and their uses but I don't believe they shoukd be replaced by human contact whether that be through face to face, on the phone  or texting, you cannot truly relay emotions through a round yellow cartoon. 

Sorry, this bothers me, as a few friends and family have responded to my spilling my heart through emojis. 

How are you doing today Alone.Again ? You know, you sound stronger...you really do..

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you DWS, 

My brother is a trekkie and Beverly is exactly right. 

22 minutes ago, maud said:

Anger is such poison for our bodies, and I'm a bad one for stewing on people's words

I'm the same, Maud. 

I am not someone who believes in these things, honestly. But I believe your husband (forgive me, I don't know his name and haven't referred to my own fiancé s name as yet as he and I were both very private people) was probably trying to connect with you in some way. 

The signs I've had are unfathomable to me. Neigher he nor I believed in this kind of stuff, but he has showed me he is there: Once, by making a file full of some of memories fall of our wardrobe not just once , but twice in succession when I was grappling as to whether I should confront his family who are withholding information from me.  And once, when I started to read through some of the letters he had written to me...both of our dressing gowns are behind our bedroom door and after, I turned around and saw  his dressing gown arm had reached over to my dressing gown arm. I took a photo of it just to believe,  but then my daughter came in and said 'it's like you're holding hands'. I'm not sure how you feel about these things,  but perhaps your husband was trying to say something to you...sorry if you think that's all ridiculous. I did too believe now.

[Alone. Again.]

I meant before now 

[Alone. Again.]

I haven't seen anything  from Lost Thomas today.... if you are reading Thomas. I hope you're OK and will join us again soon. 

I read your words over and over and they do resonate with a lot of us here. This is so hard, I know. We are all here.

[movingon]

Oh I fully believe in the spiritual world, throughout my life I've had prophetic dreams, intense feelings for something to happen, even words appearing out of nowhere in my head...want to hear? It's just after 9pm here and dark and I feel like I'm having a slumber party with you...listen...I think it was in April, my sister and brother in law are over on a weekend, we're all sitting outside around the bonfire pit, John as well...can't remember what we were talking about..and out of nowhere this thought pops into my head so I say it out loud. What would you do if you found out you only had six months to live? I remember my brother in law laughing and waving his arm around saying....we would probably be doing this. Everyone laughed and nodded. John was diagnosed with liver cancer at the end of May... prognosis...6-20 months. He made it 7 months. A few weeks before he passed, he'd already made the decision but not the date that he would use the Medical Assistance in Dying to end his suffering. He thought maybe a date in February he would choose. I said I would talk to the palliative doctor to start the process. All of this was very difficult and disturbing and frankly mind boggling unreal....but back to the story...I'm walking the dogs a few days later, and out of nowhere January 12th pops into my head...I keep walking thinking..what does that mean? Is John going to pass naturally on January 12 ? I told John this date popped into my mind but nothing more because I told him everything, we just sat there quietly. A few days later he anxiously tells me he wants me to call the palliative doctor, he wants the assisted death as soon as possible...he is nearing the end, he is very weak, not eating, I'm giving him morphine and other end of life injections as the daily nurse showed me. I say...what date have you chosen and he says January 12th..I said..no...that date came from my mind and that date appeared to me, you have to choose yourself, please John. He left it at that and when the daily nurse came we asked her how soon could he have the doctor do the injection, she said the quickest she had seen it done was 24 hrs. We waited for an answer from the doctor every day for days, no word from the doctor. He passed naturally on December 31st. On January 11th I was sitting at the dining room table and my phone rang,  I let it go to voice mail. I then check it and it's some doctor I've never spoken to...his message is that they are ready to come out the next day for the medical assistance in dying. I check the date, the next day was January 12th. 

[movingon]

On 2/9/2023 at 5:47 PM, LostThomas said:

am already dreading Friday night and the weekend.   It will just be another mess of loneliness for me.  Three weeks in a row now have been just brutal.

Thomas, it's a bit of bedtime reading for me, just checking on you, today is over. I hope you are okay, we are here, we are missing your words, your beautiful stories and memories and your insightful observations..and your much needed friendship. 

4 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

haven't seen anything  from Lost Thomas today.... 

I hope he's ok, I just posted asking him....

[Deborah_M]

11 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I feel caught up in something that is making it so difficult to cope with everything else.   

LostThomas:  After reading your post and seeing how hurt you are and the place you are in right now, I wanted to reach out not to just you but the other friends that I have made on this website.  Please ...I'm not trying to sell you anything but I think most members know that I'm not a fan of phamactical medications.  I believe that God has placed on this earth all the meds we need, but man wants to control everything.  Please bear with me....

Last week I was in a very dark place and it was getting darker, not so good thoughts were entering my head, it was only for the love of my youngest son that I was able to keep from fulfilling that wish.  I got on my knees and cried and prayed that God would help me.  I think I said that once before.  I search the internet night and day looking for help with my emotions and the symptoms of grief, how can I find hope to keep going.  I've read some of the post about trying or using antidepressant medication.  Been there done that...that did not work for me, just made it worse and terrible nightmares.

Then one night last week I read an article by a woman I follow on another website, it had to do with Grief and stress, As I'm reading the article she goes into all the symptoms of grief and I start checking them off!  Yes!  I had every one of them.  We all know what they are we all have them.  I saved the article and tried to cope as I always have, but I was getting worst.  Then it was as if God was speaking to me again.  It was like He was saying. "I gave you something to help you. Go get it."  Well, this time I listened and re-read the article and decided I would purchase this Homeopathic med. (couldn't hurt me) Ordered it off of amazon because I couldn't find it in town, To my surprise it arrived the next day.  I took it right away, and I couldn't believe how much better I felt.  For the first time in 4 months I felt almost normal.  It's not a cure for grief but a help with the symptoms.

I've taken it now for 2 days...(Not suppose to take in but 3 -5 days). if no results...don't take it any more. And I praise God for Answering my prayer.  If you would like to read more about it I'm sending you it's name and a website where you can learn more about it.  I'm not advertising it or telling you to buy it.  I'm just telling you it helped me. It calmed the emotions down to a point I could function again. The first thing I learned was that the longer you have been dealing with the grief, depression, stress or emotional upset, heartbreak, etc. this might not help.  So, please just read the article and make up your own mind about it.  The homeopathic name is Ignatia Amara. (Homeopathic is safe not like Pharma drugs who always seem to have a side effect.)  Here is the article:  If this helps just one other person I will feel happy.  I love all of you ~ and pray nightly for all of us.

https://www.nourishedandnurturedlife.com/post/homeopathic-ignatia-remedy-for-grief-heartbreak-disappointment-homesickness-emotional-stress

 

[Alone. Again.]

Oh Maud,

That sent shivers down my spine. How strange. Thank you for sharing that story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's unreal that as human beings we have to cope somehow with some of the most painful things imaginable. 

Thank you for sharing, Deborah,

In all honesty, I'll try anything at this point.

[movingon]

Yes, those 2  don't know what to call them....feelings, thoughts that came true ? were very strangely inexplicable when I looked back on them...

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LostThomas said:

I feel as though I need to wait on God to address this.   That takes a lot of strength, and faith, and I'm pretty weak right now.

Praying for you Thomas...

One thing I want to mention:  Yes ALL of our friends turned their back on me when I lost George.  Still his funeral was packed out from the Mayor to the homeless!  (Long before Covid).  I DO want to say in all of this loss, a deep close friend emerged...someone who went to our church I hadn't been close to, who split her time up at the hospital with her husband and George, until my sister  FINALLY after TWO days drove me there!  I got there in time for his death, not that they let me BE there as he died!  But her kind gestures meant a lot to me, even her walking somewhere to get him a coke.  Over the next ten years she was my best friend!  We could talk about anything!  We shared hobbies, went out to eat, did everything together.  Then she moved to TX, nearly eight years ago to remarry after her husband passed.  I'm happy for her, she's near her daughters and grandchildren and her husband treats her amazingly.  But oh God I miss her.   I always said if you want a friend, first BE a friend!  But that hasn't worked for me.  I had friends I'd get together with on Fridays but never hear from in between.  After a few years, that was let go during Covid.  I had a couple of friends I'd played Scrabble with once a month over lunch, that too went by the way in Covid.  Again, they don't seem to want to rekindle it.  I enjoyed my daily interaction with Mike, and my daily calls with sister Peggy...now they are gone.  Once again, I find myself alone.  Now that I'm old and alone and infirm, I find myself on my own, no help, no caring.  It amazes me, after a lifetime of being there for others.

But I want to mention that my friendship with Virgie emerged as a diamond in my life, even though it too eventually halted through her move

10 hours ago, maud said:

 

15 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

haven't seen anything  from Lost Thomas today.... 

I hope he's ok, I just posted asking him....

He did post yesterday.

[movingon]

I like you

4 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Thank you for sharing that story. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that

I loved your story of the bathrobes touching hands , he really is with you AloneAgain! 

[DWS]

16 hours ago, maud said:

Quite true what she says!! I ordered the Megan Devine book last night thank you for sharing that info !

I hope you are able to get some comfort from reading it. It was truly the friend I needed over these months. I don't know how I would have coped without that book and this forum. The monthly chat with my grief therapist has been helpful as well. She is actually a social worker who specializes in grief...and one who entered that field after losing her husband fifteen years ago. 

[Alone. Again.]

I don't know, Maud. 

I'm starting to think that was wishful thinking and just a coincidence. 

I miss him and everything about him so very much. 

This is so painful.

[movingon]

30 minutes ago, Alone. Again. said:

I'm starting to think that was wishful thinking and just a coincidence. 

Well, I believe for you. There is more outside this world that we will ever know of or understand. 

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you, Maud. That's lovely.

[movingon]

8 hours ago, DWS said:

hope you are able to get some comfort from reading it. It was truly the friend I needed over these months. I don't know how I would have coped without that book and this forum.

Oh good I'm glad to hear that, looking forward to reading but !

[movingon]

It has become a very cold world, phonecalls were second best to seeing someone..now we don't even use words sometimes, just symbols. Imagine what today's children might experience 50 years from now ..

[movingon]

No we aren't. Except here. Here feels normal right now. And we're only here because we've lost someone. A group of remote strangers communicating our deepest most intimate thoughts and feelings. Amazing really !

[widower2]

3 hours ago, maud said:

It has become a very cold world, phonecalls were second best to seeing someone..now we don't even use words sometimes, just symbols. Imagine what today's children might experience 50 years from now ..

Scariest of all is that younger generations don't see a problem with it. Shallow communication online is the norm and fine. Scarier than any horror movie IMO. 

Reminds me of this: https://convivencia.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/the-day-albert-einstein-feared.pdf

[Alone. Again.]

I've never felt so let down to be honest. I hate the way I've been treated by so many people. 

I've been alone all weekend and my mum is the only person who has contacted me. Everyone knows how much I struggle with weekends, but this weekend in particular has been heartbreaking. 

I couldn't live with myself if I thought I hadn't done everything I could to help someone in my position. It would plague me. The extreme lack of awareness is just shocking.

I'm trying to hold it together for my daughter, but it's so hard. 

The thoughts that go through my mind daily are so difficult to process. Weekends were always so wonderful and relaxed and fun. Every morning, he would bring me a cup of tea in bed. I keep thinking, he's never going to make me a cup of tea again. He's never going to cook for me (he was a great cook). I still have meals he made in the freezer and I can't even bear to look at them. I haven't been able to listen to music or watch certain TV programmes. Everything is so unfamiliar and scary now. I don't want to take this journey into the unknown, alone. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Reminds me of this: https://convivencia.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/the-day-albert-einstein-feared.pdf

So true, @widower2I'm thankful my kids aren't tied to theirs!  If I were raising kids, I'd have them check them at the door!  Dinner around the table was so important to us.  My son is raising his kids the same as I did, so glad!

[KayC]

To be quite honest, if I were doing this now, I'd send a good article out to my family/friends on how to respond to someone grieving.  If someone gets offended over it, oh well!

[Alone. Again.]

Thank you so much Thomas. Your words truly mean a lot to me. 

[DWS]

6 hours ago, Alone. Again. said:

Weekends were always so wonderful and relaxed and fun. Every morning, he would bring me a cup of tea in bed. I keep thinking, he's never going to make me a cup of tea again. He's never going to cook for me (he was a great cook). I still have meals he made in the freezer and I can't even bear to look at them. I haven't been able to listen to music or watch certain TV programmes. Everything is so unfamiliar and scary now. I don't want to take this journey into the unknown, alone. 

This, unfortunately, is what people in our lives are totally dumb and blind to...that our every day-to-day has been sabotaged by this loss. Not just those first few days after their passing...but the weeks, months and years after. We're left now with only the huge cache of memories of the things we cherished and were satiated with when our person was here. I categorize these people in my life in two ways: those who are totally unaware of the bliss of coupledom (ie. my sister)....and those who just don't want to witness the continual wreck of the aftermath (some of my friends). 

[movingon]

I'm fortunate this weekend because my sister and brother in law are over, it really makes a hundred percent difference just having human contact. I know what will happen when they leave, last monthly visit saying goodbye I burst into tears. And you've heard me talk about my conflicts with my sister, but even so, it's such a different world having people here talking to me. I already feel sick about thinking of this afternoon when I'll be alone. I think how nice it would be AloneAgain if people would just pick up the phone and reach out even if only for a few moments. We desperately need that to break our neverending silent lives. Last night my sister said the next visit will have to be in 6 weeks because we're going away...the 4 week slot thing conflicting with their travel plans.. 6 weeks! I thought, oh my god...the thought of it panicked me. That's an eternity to me right now. 

[movingon]

Thank you, that means alot to me, you are a warrior in more than one way Thomas.

[movingon]

On 2/11/2023 at 8:53 AM, DWS said:

hope you are able to get some comfort from reading it. It was truly the friend I needed over these months. I don't know how I would have coped without that book and this forum.

Oh good I'm glad to hear that, looking forward to reading it ! 

[movingon]

How is everyone doing this afternoon ? I just got home from a 2.5 hr. dogwalk and thought of all of you while out. My sister and brother in law left hours ago and I lasted all of 10 minutes with the tsunami of silence in the house and thought, I've got to get out and walk. Well..the sun is out, it's mild out and all the whos from whoville were out enjoying the weather ( I live near a small ski hill in cottage country) I crossed the road and immediately met an acquaintance  dog walker I haven't seen in almost a year. I told her about John and she gave me a hug and her words were so sincere and thoughtful. It was a much needed 10 minute talk. Then she left and a car pulled over and it was my old neighbour acquaintance that moved a few miles away, I've bumped into her a few times over the years, so she was one I contacted when John was sick and after he passed. She also hugged me and we spoke for a few minutes as well. A nice heartwarming conversation. After that, 3 other strangers I came across chatted for a bit....but what I was thinking and feeling was....well, either God or the universe sent these people today because somebody must have felt my broken empty heart crying out. And I thought of all of you. Thought...it exists ! maybe in small doses, maybe very infrequently....but it's out there....small moments of kindness from someone. It exists. I know tonight I'll feel the loneliness again, and tomorrow and over and over. But I was so happy to have been shown that that elusive empathy does exist, for a fraction of time, but I'll embrace that fraction. And I thought how much I want all of you to feel that....even if it's just momentary...we all desperately need that and I wish so much that those moments will find you, will find me...again

[Alone. Again.]

I'm so pleased you had that today, Maud. You really needed it. 

I don't think that's on the horizon for me anytime soon, but I'm genuinely glad for you.

[movingon]

We all need it and you mustn't think that it isn't on the horizon for you. You deserve as much empathy  and kindness from people as anyone else. You are as special and unique a person as anyone here or anywhere in this world. We need to not water the seeds of negative thinking . I try everyday, and yes  I fail miserably at positive thinking...., but today gave me hope, hope for all of us here. Like I said, my hopeful mood will pass and whisk this tiny glimmer of hope with it. But right now I want this for all of us, I want us all to feel that these moments are possible. So I'm sending you a huge hug filled with love, kindness and comfort because you are amazing! 

[Alone. Again.]

Bless you, Maud. You're so lovely.

I want that for all of us too. 

I send you a huge hug back and thank you for all your kind words and thoughts.

[RichS]

Maud:  Glad to hear that you had some social interaction today. God works in strange and mysterious ways; and it often happens in nice ways when we need it the most. When we went to mass today, someone who I've not seen in awhile came over to say hello (before mass started). Normally we don't run into anyone familiar, so it was a nice surprise.

Since Chris passed away I really don't mention her passing to aquaintences, unless they ask me directly, how is your wife? I'm not quite sure why I do that. I definitely talk about her all the time to family and close friends. Probably because they know of my situation, while the others really don't. I guess while I'm on this grieving journey, because I've never been down this particular road before, I'm finding out alittle more about myself as well.

 

[movingon]

Thank YOU for being here with and for us, you are teaching us as well. We need you here. 

[movingon]

5 minutes ago, RichS said:

Since Chris passed away I really don't mention her passing to aquaintences,

I think I do it to the more familiar acquaintances because I'm afraid of how I might react if they ask how John is. I don't want to be caught of guard, I worry I might break down. I've always been so private about myself and my life so it's not like me to divulge anything...maybe I'm changing, I don't know, or maybe I'm so in need of comfort that this is my way of saying help me....