Realization

[John9]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That's not to say I don't have days down in the dark pit now.  Of course I do.  Yet those days aren't as frequent and aren't as dark.  Over time, it's become bearable to let the waves of grief wash over me when they will because they no longer drown me.

I got really sick of hearing about time helping (not healing), but it turned out to be true.

foreverhis,

I can only hope that if I am forced to continue this torturous life that it does get more bearable because right now I seem to be dwelling in the dark pit constantly. It just seems that the "time" is not my friend and as I have said before the time since my loving wife died seems like an eternity and the time we were together seems so short and so long ago. I know that I will never get over this but if I have to live with it I hope that I am not a total basket case forever because I hate making the ones around me sad and therefore avoid me. Obviously some people can "survive" this grief but also some don't and I am not feeling it right now.

[John9]

52 minutes ago, KayC said:

Mike made some glib statements about grief a while back (doesn't believe in it), I only hope and pray he doesn't have to find out the hard way as his wife has cancer that has not been treated and it's way past time, breast doubled, in the lymph glands several months now too.

KayC,

I have said this kind of thing too, I wouldn't want anyone to go through anything like this. That being said I do think that some people will at least attempt to not grieve because of whatever they believe. I know that at one time "men" were supposed to be strong and not show any emotions and there are probably too many out there that are in pain and not allowing it to do what grief will do. I think that will always be an issue for the "older" tough men. I have said many times I have always had an issue controlling my emotions and it was because of those rules that I forced myself to keep my "stuff" together and even when I should have addressed an issue I didn't. This may or may not be contributing to my current issues because as I have also stating many times my loving wife was my constant and my grounding force and she supported me but I still never totally let my guard down because of the past (men don't do that). Now the dam is broken and all of the other sayings and the constant other things that just keep happening without any kind of a "break" just keep beating me down and keeping me down and....

[John9]

Just a note, as much as I hate my life right now and don't want to be here without my loving wife with me. I just got back from the pharmacy and received my COVID booster vaccine. I am still trying to do it right as we all did, but I am ready for God to be done with me. I miss my loving wife so much and the pain and torture is terrible.

[Sparky1]

22 hours ago, foreverhis said:

.  I don't know where you are in Canada, but  you might know about these. 

I'm in Southern Ontario, north of Toronto. I'm glad to read that you have a Canadian background as well. I was actually born in Italy and came here when I was a little boy. Our winters are not as bad as some of those northern States, but nonetheless they are cold at times and we do get snow. The dampness from Lake Ontario causes a lot of aches and pains for me in the winter.

[Sparky1]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Aww, that must have felt good to see.  What is going on with your shoulder!  Wishing you well with it...

Thank you Kay. Oh I had tears in my eyes when I saw the baby. My MIL agreed with me that she did look a bit like my wife. Who would know better than my wife's own mother?

I injured the shoulder helping  the RV guy who came to winterize my mobile home. He got stuck in slippery grass, and of course it was another one of those rainy Saturdays we talked about in another thread. I was pushing him and I slipped and landed on my knees and hands. I jammed the shoulder and it was very painful. I've been going to therapy for the last couple of weeks and it feels better, but I have to be careful because it still is sore depending on how I use my arm. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 20 years old anymore, my brain wants to do everything but my body doesn't agree. My mom always used to say that she didn't have any good pieces left on her body and now I know what she meant. Everything hurts.

[John9]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 20 years old anymore, my brain wants to do everything but my body doesn't agree. My mom always used to say that she didn't have any good pieces left on her body and now I know what she meant. Everything hurts.

Sparky1,

My loving wife used to tease me about the popping and clicking that my body did AND then she got older (I was 8 years older). We both abused our bodies because we were in situations where we couldn't get help to do something or help was too slow. We talked about getting things "repaired" but now it doesn't matter anymore. I don't think that there is a body part that doesn't hurt and the constant stress from the grief doesn't help and neither does the weather. Just as an aside I am in SE Michigan so some of the weather is the same. I am only really doing what I need to do so if the body isn't cooperating I put it off until it is. Some days it is really hard just to drink the coffee or type on the computer. I think it would be a shorter list to say what isn't "broken" or damaged. We were just looking forward to not having to worry about anyone but us and our own issues instead of everyone else. Life sure can throw some curves at you and.....

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I jammed the shoulder and it was very painful. I've been going to therapy for the last couple of weeks and it feels better, but I have to be careful because it still is sore depending on how I use my arm. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 20 years old anymore, my brain wants to do everything but my body doesn't agree.

Oh I understand that!  It's hard going into this time of year when we're incapacitated in some way...I'm not looking forward to winter hardships with these hands, so I can relate to your shoulder taking you out.  Be careful so it can heal, hire done what you must.    I love being independent and it pains me to have to hire someone for my yardwork, but it's part of getting old I guess.

13 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't think that there is a body part that doesn't hurt and the constant stress from the grief doesn't help and neither does the weather.

I get it. 

[tnd]

On 10/30/2021 at 4:30 PM, foreverhis said:

I came to the understanding fairly early on that this grief cannot be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it. 

foreverhis:  When I've explained that losing a spouse is not the same as losing other loved ones because it's a different relationship, I've actually gotten blank looks and stares, as if I'm talking crazy talk. They really do not get it and their only reaction is to stand there and stare. 

[John9]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  When I've explained that losing a spouse is not the same as losing other loved ones because it's a different relationship, I've actually gotten blank looks and stares, as if I'm talking crazy talk. They really do not get it and their only reaction is to stand there and stare. 

tnd,

You have I believe as the saying goes hit the nail on the head. A lot of people seem to think that ALL grief is the same and because they got over "someone" that we should be able to also. I don't think they will ever understand unless their spouse dies and I wouldn't want anyone (even us) to go through this pain.

[foreverhis]

On 10/31/2021 at 4:23 PM, Sparky1 said:

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 20 years old anymore, my brain wants to do everything but my body doesn't agree.

I was talking to a friend about that just last week.  I had been having twinges of pain off and on in my upper arm, but figured I'd just been overusing it a bit.  Next thing I know, "snap" and it feels as if I tore my arm off my shoulder.  I'm still waiting for authorization to see my ortho and get an MRI to see just how torn the tendon is (partial or full).  I waited 2 weeks to even consider it a problem and even now my brain say, "No biggie. You'll be fine."

On 10/31/2021 at 5:49 PM, John9 said:

We talked about getting things "repaired" but now it doesn't matter anymore. I don't think that there is a body part that doesn't hurt and the constant stress from the grief doesn't help and neither does the weather.

I hear you there.  I've needed a revision/replacement of my stapes piston for about 6 years now.  We were thinking about scheduling it, but then John was diagnosed.  And now?  My hearing is getting worse in that ear, but it's hard to fathom going through the procedure and recovery alone.  For 2 weeks, I will be under restrictions that mean I need someone here.  My sister (by birth) knows and said she'll take the time off and come down with their dog (a big lovable McNab rescue) to take care of me.  I know she will and that she won't resent it, but it still won't be the same.  Ditto for my knee replacement down the road and now this stupid bicep tendon.  Sigh.

I don't even have a cool story about my bicep.  "I'd been overusing it and when I reached with the duster, it snapped" just doesn't have the same ring as, "I was fighting off midnight invaders with one arm tied behind my back."  It just sucks; there's no two ways about it.

6 hours ago, tnd said:

foreverhis:  When I've explained that losing a spouse is not the same as losing other loved ones because it's a different relationship, I've actually gotten blank looks and stares, as if I'm talking crazy talk. They really do not get it and their only reaction is to stand there and stare. 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

tnd,

You have I believe as the saying goes hit the nail on the head. A lot of people seem to think that ALL grief is the same and because they got over "someone" that we should be able to also. I don't think they will ever understand unless their spouse dies and I wouldn't want anyone (even us) to go through this pain.

You're both right.  No one can understand this grief or why it is different from any other loss.  I am loathe to compare most of the time, but I've come to believe that the hardest and most painful losses are of a child (young or adult) and a beloved spouse (as opposed to people who are married, but don't have the cell-deep connection we were lucky enough to find).

In my darkest thoughts, I sometimes hoped that others would be forced to understand.  But that's not how I usually felt and I don't feel that way at all now.  What I feel now is that I don't want the people in my life to understand my grief for a very, very long time.  Yet, most of us are getting to the point where we're old enough that it's a reality they'll have to feel and I'm a reminder of that.

[Sparky1]

5 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I was talking to a friend about that just last week.  I had been having twinges of pain off and on in my upper arm, but figured I'd just been overusing it a bit.  Next thing I know, "snap" and it feels as if I tore my arm off my shoulder.  I'm still waiting for authorization to see my ortho and get an MRI to see just how torn the tendon is (partial or full).  I waited 2 weeks to even consider it a problem and even now my brain say, "No biggie. You'll be fine."

Foreverhis, I had the dreaded snap earlier this year at work. I was going down stairs and right when I got off the last step, my calf went "snap". Luckily there was another worker and he vouched for my injury. It was very, very painful and it took a few months of taking it easy and therapy for it to get better. At our age, every little movement can be potentially drastic. Everything is so delicate now, and it takes a long time to heal. I hope all goes well with your injury, I feel for you.

[KayC]

I've nothing enlightening to add, only that I've been there.  I feel all that you guys say.  

[John9]

I have had some issues through the years and many years ago, I reached for my coffee cup and it felt like I was stabbed in the back. Turns out I had some herniated discs and was in bed for about a week and my loving wife was there for me all the time. Now I hate the thought of anything like that because there is nobody that can help me like she did. A very long time ago someone I know was getting out of the shower and he sneezed and his "back" went out and he was down literally and figuratively for weeks also. I used to say getting old sucks but it is better than the alternative (death) now I'm not so sure since I lost the only reason I ever had to be alive and the only reason I ever wanted to. I'm sorry but the last couple of nights (and days) have been rough very bad dreams or nightmares about my loving wife and it really makes bad. Daytime is hard enough but to not even get any peace at night is adding to my stress-free life (as if) I dread the days and now I dread the nights more than before as if being alone wasn't enough to deal with.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

A very long time ago someone I know was getting out of the shower and he sneezed and his "back" went out and he was down literally and figuratively for weeks also.

John, how'd you know about my bad back? .         I also have herniated discs and one time I went to get out of the bathtub and my back went. Was home for 2 weeks, I had to crawl up the stairs. I've also pulled it reading a newspaper at the table and sneezing, out another 2 weeks. I have to get regular cortisone shots or I can't function. Hard to even go to the bathroom.

[John9]

Sparky1,

This is why getting old isn't for the "weak". I was willing to put up with all of it for my loving wife but now it really sucks. I said it before my loving wife was the reason I "made" it through any of the medical issues I had, she was my reason to keep going because I didn't want her to ever be ALONE like I am. There is nothing good about what happened to my loving wife, but the tiniest sliver of a silver lining is she isn't suffering a long painful medical condition and that helps me somewhat but I miss her so much.

[tnd]

Getting old DOES suck. When my husband was still alive, I fell one time after sliding on the kitchen floor. I was home alone and for the first time, could not get up. I don't know how long I laid there but finally made it up. And in walked my husband. If I had waited a few more minutes I would have had his help. Took several weeks before the soreness went away. That's why when I get my own place I want to make friends with a neighbor or carry a cell phone in a pocket or around my neck (I am without a phone right now). 

[John9]

31 minutes ago, tnd said:

That's why when I get my own place I want to make friends with a neighbor or carry a cell phone in a pocket or around my neck (I am without a phone right now). 

tnd,

My loving wife and I tried (and failed) many times to get my friend to carry his home phone (cordless) with him or get a "life alert" type of device and he was stubborn. I am not saying you are stubborn because you made the statement about what you are going to do, however it almost killed my friend many times because he "fell" and couldn't reach anyone. We made it as easy on "me" as we could by making him call me at 8 am and 5 pm so the time that he was maybe in distress was limited but even then in you are hurt anytime is too long. I had always said that whenever he didn't answer the phone the 30 minute ride to his house was very long and I always expected to find him dead. Luckily I never did but that was part of the 12 years of stress that I had spoken of on an earlier posting and of course that level has continued to rise to the point that I will probably die if and when there is a point that my life is stress-free as if that is ever going to happen (the stress not the death).

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I had always said that whenever he didn't answer the phone the 30 minute ride to his house was very long and I always expected to find him dead. Luckily I never did but that was part of the 12 years of stress that I had spoken of on an earlier posting and of course that level has continued to rise to the point that I will probably die if and when there is a point that my life is stress-free as if that is ever going to happen (the stress not the death).

John9:  I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone and seems to me that keeping a cell phone on me would actually help to avoid that. I want to live as independently as possible. Now, if I was worse off or in my 70's, 80's or 90's, a caregiver or having to live with someone may be needed. I'm only 57. I can still do things for myself. Even with the Sarcoidosis. Most things are not easy for me but I usually can figure things out. Anyways, one of the first things I need to get is a cell phone. Just the cheapest one on the cheapest plan. I have no idea about these things as I have always had a land line. I'm not real high tech. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

I used to say getting old sucks but it is better than the alternative (death) now I'm not so sure

I get it!  I'm getting tired of dealing with all I must around this place, always something.  Let alone all the physical issues!  And NEVER having anyone by my side, no help, nothing.  Now it seems everyone counts on me...

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

John, how'd you know about my bad back? .         I also have herniated discs and one time I went to get out of the bathtub and my back went. Was home for 2 weeks, I had to crawl up the stairs. I've also pulled it reading a newspaper at the table and sneezing, out another 2 weeks. I have to get regular cortisone shots or I can't function. Hard to even go to the bathroom.

I'm so sorry, it's so hard struggling with all this alone and no one by your side.    My closest friend has a bad hernia, he cleans for a living, you don't work, you don't eat, some days it's hard for him to get through the day.  He needs surgery but these aren't the best of times to be in the hospital and with no one as home to help him...and we live clear across the US from each other.  

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I get it!  I'm getting tired of dealing with all I must around this place, always something.  Let alone all the physical issues!  And NEVER having anyone by my side, no help, nothing.  Now it seems everyone counts on me...

KayC,

That is a part of the "issues" I have now, "we" always were there for anyone and everyone but because we had each other when we needed it there didn't seem to be anything we couldn't do. And now there is no "we" and it really scares me and hurts me that even though things were never done as a guarantee of a "good" future it is just so wrong. I know that some don't believe when I say it is like a punishment, but the loneliness and being alone is like being in prison in solitary confinement with a brief time in the "yard" and if that isn't a punishment why does prisons use it. I am not truly saying I am being punished just saying it feels like it. I don't know why I am having more issues at the moment "sleeping" but this past week or so it has started again, maybe it was the death of my loving wife's cousin and the other deaths I have mentioned and the "countdown" to the 60 year mark of my Mothers death this month and the fact that the date is one of those "triggers" because it is Veterans Day and this year with everything else that has happened my brain is just spiraling and looping again and it is so endless and never ending (at least for me).

[tnd]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

the loneliness and being alone is like being in prison in solitary confinement with a brief time in the "yard" and if that isn't a punishment why does prisons use it.

John9:  You seem to be very good at reading my mind and taking words right out of my mouth. Just don't try pulling a rabbit out of a hat...but seriously, this heartache and grief does feel like a punishment. Or at the very least, punishing. And when we are punished for something and don't know what it even was that we did wrong, we can't help but to ask "why"? 

 

4 hours ago, John9 said:

"we" always were there for anyone and everyone but because we had each other when we needed it there didn't seem to be anything we couldn't do. And now there is no "we" and it really scares me

John9:  I was scared even when I had my husband around. We both were. But being together helped us to get through whatever it was that was scaring us. Being alone now is even scarier. I know you and your wife were together many years so going back to a time when you were alone or without her before marrying might be hard. I'd try to do that though. Unless it brings back bad memories (not of her but of the life you had prior to meeting her). 

Long before ever meeting my husband I had to endure some very difficult times. Some pretty awful stuff. And I was alone with it. But somehow I began to adopt to situations and figuring things out by myself. Had no choice. So I've always drawn from past experience but now more than ever. This is what helps me. And of course, coming on here when I can.   

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

m getting tired of dealing with all I must around this place, always something.  Let alone all the physical issues!  And NEVER having anyone by my side, no help, nothing.  Now it seems everyone counts on me...

KayC:  I know just what you mean. I'm not really being depended on by anyone right now but nonetheless, I am learning to put my foot down, keep my own needs in mind and speak up. For example, I recently had to speak up about babysitting children. I am just not up to that and no one had even asked me. I take being left responsible for children very seriously. But I took a big breath and spoke up. Made for some real awkwardness and some didn't like it but I knew I had to speak up. Not just for the children's sakes but for my own. Like you, I've got a lot on my plate (physically, financially, emotionally). I am here in survival mode. I must think of myself. Doesn't mean I have to be selfish but how selfish is it to want to do the right thing? I'm beginning to wonder now if thinking of myself actually helps others. What good would it be if I cannot keep up with little children and they end up getting into something or doing something and getting injured? Or worse..  Anyways, I know you may not be use to it but please, please try to think of yourself for a change. Your own needs. I know, I know, there seems to be a lot we have to "unlearn". I am not use to not helping people. But if I can't, I can't. If it's something physical someone needs helps with but my brain is overloaded with grief, stress and fears concerning myself, then I know I have to speak up or not volunteer myself. This is going to take some getting use to but...it's all about survival right now.   

[John9]

11 minutes ago, tnd said:

I know you and your wife were together many years so going back to a time when you were alone or without her before marrying might be hard.

tnd,

The "problems" are many not the least of which is it was a different time, in many ways. I was also 26 years old and working 70 hours a week so I had no time to "think" about being alone, now I am not working and I am not 26 and I "had" the life that I wanted and thought I would have until WE died. As I have stated many times in many posts, WE were together for over half of our lives and that isn't something that I can "get over" and I know that isn't what you said or meant but I am saying it is a real bad wake up (IF only I was dreaming). I know many people have resumed or restarted a life after losing their spouses but my loving wife was and is more than that to me and I just don't think I am going to be able to make it without her. This constant pain and anguish and stress and everything else is so crushing to me.

[tnd]

17 minutes ago, John9 said:

know many people have resumed or restarted a life after losing their spouses but my loving wife was and is more than that to me and I just don't think I am going to be able to make it without her. This constant pain and anguish and stress and everything else is so crushing to me.

John9:  The weight of this pain we are experiencing IS crushing. I feel stomped on, chewed up, spat out and left for dead. And despite having my Widows Benefits approved, I spilled a lot of tears from my eyes last night. Sobbed hard. This all sucks. I have no idea what my future looks like without my husband. Heck, I don't know if I even HAVE a future!

I got up this morning, got dressed and going to do a couple of chores and hopefully, eat. I don't want to stay in this nitemare for the rest of my life. I don't want to remain in this  darkness. So then I think that maybe I just won't go on. Why should I? How can I? But no, I have to keep trying to move forward. I don't know what came over me but I think I have to try on behalf of my husband. If I can't do it for myself, then maybe I should want to try to do it for him. That's why I say I want to be my husband's hero.  

HA! Just as I posted all this I read about a man with Stage 4 Sarcoidosis of the lungs (scarring/fibrosis) just like I have and he's going to attempt to be the first person with Sarcoidosis to...compete in a Full Ironman Triathlon! Oh my gosh! Talk about giving me some inspiration! So please, please don't give up, John, we gotta keep going.  

[John9]

7 minutes ago, tnd said:

So please, please don't give up, John, we gotta keep going.  

tnd,

I am not giving up, but as I have said many times it is and "always" has been in God's hands  and whenever he decides to let me go I'm ready. I said that "my life" ended when my loving wife died and it was a combination of meanings because obviously the life we had is over and even though I am still "alive" it can't be what it was so it ended. I really don't want to start anew and I don't have to in the context of what you are going through but everything is new also because what we did as a team can't be done as because there is no team anymore. Of course that became obvious when my loving wife died and I was alone with MIL and that was hard but it was a reason to keep going and actually for a brief moment I thought the only reason I was still alive. It must not have been the only reason as I am still here. I have stated before that nobody knows God's plans and I don't claim to either but I do still go to bed crying and hoping I have fulfilled the plan so I can finally have some peace and be with my loving wife again. I hope that the person you spoke of does succeed in his plans to do the Ironman Triathlon, and hopefully the Government doesn't say if he can do it it isn't a disability(haha).

[tnd]

11 minutes ago, John9 said:

I said that "my life" ended when my loving wife died and it was a combination of meanings because obviously the life we had is over and even though I am still "alive" it can't be what it was so it ended.

John9:  I agree. Life as we knew it has ended. But I want to do more than just merely exist and do my time in solitary until God decides I can rejoin my husband. I always felt like I was given the short end of the stick and then...my husband died. What could be worse than that? He was my purpose in life. The reason I got up in the morning. And now he's gone. And I'm here holding...the short end of the stick. But I'm going to try to think of myself for a change. And part of doing that I think, is thinking of my husband and letting his memory motivate me. I think that just because he's not here shouldn't mean I am totally without him. I have my memories. I still feel very much in love with him. And I have a few lessons he taught me. Now when I "talk" to him, it really is as if he's sitting right next to me. I stop talking but kind of chuckle at this realization that I've gotten comfortable with talking to him "from afar". I don't think there is anything wrong with it, either. Our grief is making us feel like roadkill. Have no idea how long we are going to feel this way. I guess some will feel it longer than others. I am sure the pain will always be there. But I don't know if the feeling of being destroyed will always be there but I am certain that my husband would not want me to be destroyed. So I am going to champion a new cause -me. Really haven't done that before. Maybe it's time I do. We gotta give it a try. And if today sucks, then we try again tomorrow. You are not completely alone. You have all of us.   

[John9]

8 minutes ago, tnd said:

You are not completely alone. You have all of us.   

tnd,

 I know this and I have said that without "all" of the people here I wouldn't have made it this far. I do try everyday because otherwise I wouldn't even get out of bed. I don't like this phase or stage of life because it wasn't supposed to be this way. I know I can't change it but I don't have to like it either and I don't. I am struggling and so far as bad as it is I have managed to get up every time I have been "knocked down" it is just taking longer and getting harder to do so. I am not being "funny" when I say that everyday is harder than the day before and I miss my loving wife more and more each day. BUT I keep trying and I keep praying for strength while I am grieving. Some days the prayer is without tears, but mostly not. I have given myself to God's will and that is where I need his strength and guidance.

[tnd]

19 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am not being "funny" when I say that everyday is harder than the day before and I miss my loving wife more and more each day. BUT I keep trying and I keep praying for strength while I am grieving. Some days the prayer is without tears, but mostly not. I have given myself to God's will and that is where I need his strength and guidance.

John9:  Prayer is pretty powerful. They say we are to give God our troubles. So I finally told Him that. And I've prayed so hard that I was literally squeezing my own hands til it hurt. And I keep thanking him for what I do have. 

 Psalm 46:10 He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.".

-And this is what I've been trying to do. To be still. Give my worries and troubles to God. And thank Him for the miracle(s) I have received. He knows it sucks right now. Every darn day it sucks. But there are a few good things about each day. We have to wipe away our tears though to see it. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Doesn't mean I have to be selfish but how selfish is it to want to do the right thing?

It is not selfish to take care of ourselves, whether mentally, physically, emotionally, we do have to take care of ourselves first or we are depleted and not functioning well.

16 hours ago, John9 said:

I have given myself to God's will and that is where I need his strength and guidance.

And that's always the best place to be. 

Lately I've gotten a lot of chiding for being there for Iris.  But what kind of a world would this be if we only cared about ourselves?  Sometimes a little self-sacrifice is called for.  Didn't Jesus lay down his life for us?  I don't mean we literally need to do that, but at least try to brighten someone else's day or lighten their load a little bit, especially if they are in a corner and cannot do it by themselves.  I've been on the receiving end and really appreciated neighbors caring.

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Psalm 46:10 He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

This is one of my favorite passages, I just shared this in sunday school last week...be STILL...it is in that stillness we hear Him!  Sometimes in life people are busy/busy/busy, we need to take the time to be still.  I am so glad I take that time.

It is in my own deficit that I pull up a chair to the bosom of God and know Him!  It is in so doing that we draw close to Him.

I am so thankful for each of you, what a difference you all make in my day, in my life!

[John9]

37 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so thankful for each of you, what a difference you all make in my day, in my life!

kayC,

I feel the same about you and everyone here, as I said without "you" I don't think I would be here now. I am thankful for everything I have and I try to express that but in my grief it doesn't always come through. The "good" sister said when her daughter died that she had told her earlier that she knew God loved her and I am trying to keep that thought also, I do believe that God loves us it is just very hard when I am alone without my loving wife to understand it. I don't like the bad thoughts that keep cycling and looping through my  brain and the way they make me feel and it does make everything I am going through feel worse. I want and I need God to help me and I accept that he is but it still is painful and I know that after I die it will be a meaningless time in the overall "eternity" but right now it is very painful and overwhelming.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Lately I've gotten a lot of chiding for being there for Iris.  But what kind of a world would this be if we only cared about ourselves?

KayC:  I imagine the world would be a pretty dark place if we only cared about ourselves. It's dark enough, we don't need to help it along...

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Didn't Jesus lay down his life for us?  I don't mean we literally need to do that, but at least try to brighten someone else's day or lighten their load a little bit, especially if they are in a corner and cannot do it by themselves

KayC:  I don't know what I will do or what I can do but once I get into my own place, I want to figure out a way to help people. Haven't figured out a "target group" yet but I think it will lean towards older people in need. 

[John9]

Just a note, I ordered food today using one of the gift cards that my loving wife had received and we never got around to using and couldn't use while MIL was alive because it was too far away and nobody would come over and pick up the food. Anyway I ordered one of my "favorites" because that is what I like and the food was good BUT as anyone knows the "company" also makes the meal and the best food doesn't taste as good when you are alone and I didn't enjoy the food like I (WE) used to. But as I have said I am trying to do something.

[KayC]

On 11/5/2021 at 7:12 AM, John9 said:

I know that after I die it will be a meaningless time in the overall "eternity" but right now it is very painful and overwhelming.

Yes, for sure.

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I want to figure out a way to help people.

Aww, that sounds just like you!  You help people here.  Just saying...

 

15 hours ago, John9 said:

as anyone knows the "company" also makes the meal

I hear you...I've long since grown accustomed to eating alone and enjoying food for it's value, but it was hard in the beginning.  I have learned to value myself and do things for ME.

[John9]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

I have learned to value myself and do things for ME.

KayC,

I thank you for the comments, This quote is probably the hardest thing I may ever have to do at least for the last 35 years. I have put my loving wife ahead of myself and also others but mostly her and now......What makes ALL of this hard is the losses I have had, One would be hard to deal with and nothing will ever compare to the loss of my loving wife but when I have lost everyone I was caring for or cared for it is like I don't have an "identity" anymore. Especially when "we" were such a big part of each other for so long, I can't think about a time when it wasn't us. I understand small steps and such but with everything else hanging over me I am just so "lost" without my loving wife and her ability to keep me focused and grounded and......

[tnd]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

Just a note, I ordered food today using one of the gift cards that my loving wife had received and we never got around to using and couldn't use while MIL was alive because it was too far away and nobody would come over and pick up the food. Anyway I ordered one of my "favorites"

John9:  That's terrific news!  No doubt it was hard to do without your wife but you did it. Doing something for yourself and by yourself is hard, believe me, I know. My purpose in life had been my husband. And you are right; mealtime is not the same anymore. I've been thinking of what I might cook when I get a place and keep thinking of my husband's favorites. I don't know if I will be able to cook, it's hard for me to stand longer than a few minutes and chopping and stirring food falls into the "exertion category" for me now. I might get myself a bar stool for the kitchen. I swear, I am going to figure it out. And then hopefully I can get back to cooking what we had liked, as well as food he couldn't have because of his diabetes and being on dialysis. I figure this will be one way to establish a sense of self, even tho I don't want to. But it is what it is now, it will just be me. Well, my 2 cats will be with me but no matter what, they are not going to learn how to cook. 

[John9]

23 minutes ago, tnd said:

But it is what it is now, it will just be me. Well, my 2 cats will be with me but no matter what, they are not going to learn how to cook. 

tnd,

You never know, I wouldn't eat it though. My friend who was in a wheelchair managed to cook so I would have the confidence that you could figure something out. He chopped on a mat at the table and wheeled himself to the stove with the mat in his lap. I know you aren't in a wheelchair but if you chop and prepare while sitting down and that would be less standing and exerting all at once, something to think about. I do hope you find a sense of self and enjoy your food when the time comes. I'm not wasting away I just don't "care" about the food anymore and it doesn't matter what I eat nothing is the same and won't be because there is nothing cooked with the special "love" my loving wife had. Too many things that used to be pleasurable or bring pleasure just don't anymore and food is one of those things I am sorry to say. Small steps and one day at a time is all I can do.

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

My friend who was in a wheelchair managed to cook so I would have the confidence that you could figure something out. He chopped on a mat at the table and wheeled himself to the stove with the mat in his lap.

John9:  Thanks for the tip. Don't know why I didn't think of using a table. Great idea! 

It is hard to enjoy things. I don't know that there is really anything I enjoy right now. I do however, feel a sense of relief any time I am able to resolve a problem or complete a task. But if I go a day without crying over my husband I don't exactly give myself a pat on the back. I've been crying hard over him the last several days. It's as if it were building and building and now the damn broke. The grief suddenly feels much heavier than it has. But so be it. I'm not expecting that these crying episodes are ever going to stop. Just would like to be able to get some things done without tears. What was important to me then is not as important to me now. I've been more or less forced into changing my priorities. Same goes for anything that I might at some point consider "enjoyable". 

[John9]

48 minutes ago, tnd said:

But if I go a day without crying over my husband I don't exactly give myself a pat on the back. I've been crying hard over him the last several days. It's as if it were building and building and now the damn broke. The grief suddenly feels much heavier than it has. But so be it. I'm not expecting that these crying episodes are ever going to stop.

tnd,

As I have said before, I wake up crying, I go to bed crying and I cry all throughout the day. There are so many triggers and so much going on (and not) that it is so overwhelming and of course today is a Saturday and there's that too. I really don't see this ending (the crying) until I finally do (when I die). I am just saying it is just "my life" now and I am okay with it and don't worry about what anyone says (get over it). Small steps right.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am just saying it is just "my life" now and I am okay with it and don't worry about what anyone says (get over it). Small steps right

John, I am with you on this. I'm just over the one year mark and I still cry quite often. I don't care what anyone says about getting over it because I know what's in my heart, and the longing for my wife will never go away. How can it? She was my everything, I am lost without her, the emptiness and loneliness is truly excruciating. Thinking back at the good times and the togetherness we had, and realizing that I will not have that here in this physical plane anymore just crushes me. Like you I have to bide my time and hopefully it won't be a long time. Then I can be together with her again, that is my hope.

[John9]

2 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

She was my everything, I am lost without her, the emptiness and loneliness is truly excruciating. Thinking back at the good times and the togetherness we had, and realizing that I will not have that here in this physical plane anymore just crushes me. Like you I have to bide my time and hopefully it won't be a long time. Then I can be together with her again, that is my hope.

Sparky1,

I am thankful that the people on this forum understand the PAIN and can at least offer a kind word of comfort. Sadly no words can ease my pain and feeling of loss for my loving wife but I appreciate the fact that they have seen and understand it. I need for this to end but I am here till it does and I am trying my best to.....It is worse each day and it is so hard.

[annie123]

It has been 13 months since my husband passed and I still cry everyday. Especially, when I am driving home from somewhere and I know that I am going home to an empty house.  It is so quiet and it's so lonely!!  I miss my hubby so much!!!!  My sister lost her husband 3 years ago and said that she thinks the second year was harder than the first year, at least for her.

[Darlene13]

1 hour ago, annie123 said:

Especially, when I am driving home from somewhere and I know that I am going home to an empty house. 

I'm the same way, especially coming home in the evening when the house is quiet and dark except for my two pups.  I miss my husband smiling and saying, "Hi, hon" when I come in, so much so that I rarely go if it will be dark when I get back anymore.  It caused more meltdowns than I can say over the last year.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

it is like I don't have an "identity" anymore.

You do.  You just have to discover it.  Or maybe create it.  Sometimes it's hard to know which.

I was always a Mrs. Somebody.  I thought that was who I was.  I thought that was my value.  But no, I am ME.  God made me and I had to learn that He values me in myself...and I needed to learn to also.

11 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I miss my husband smiling and saying, "Hi, hon"

That is what I still hear (in my mind) my husband saying.

[John9]

11 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I miss my husband smiling and saying, "Hi, hon" when I come in,

Darlene13,

I "get it" and it really does hurt so much, my loving wife would say various things depending on the situation. It was "sweety", "babe" or a few others that I can't say here. I will always have the memory that we never "left" without saying I love you because you never knew BUT God I didn't think it would be the way it was or is. There is no ONE thing about my loving wife that I miss more than anything else because I miss HER.

13 hours ago, annie123 said:

My sister lost her husband 3 years ago and said that she thinks the second year was harder than the first year, at least for her.

annie123,

My loving wife's cousin who lost her boyfriend a year ago August says it is harder for her too. I am not sure HOW it can be harder than it is right now because I am already a wreck and barely able to function as it is. I am not questioning or challenging "fate" or whatever but if it is harder and I am alive I don't know what will happen.

30 minutes ago, KayC said:

I was always a Mrs. Somebody.  I thought that was who I was.  I thought that was my value.  But no, I am ME.  God made me and I had to learn that He values me in myself...and I needed to learn to also.

KayC,

I understand what you are saying, but when for 34 years you are so totally wrapped up in a relationship and everyone refers to "us" only the other persons husband or wife it is part of your life. In giving my heart and soul to my loving wife I accepted that we were ONE and it is still that way for me. I am just trying to make it one day at a time and hope for the best. I can't say what is to come because nobody knows and I don't fully understand life either.

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

but when for 34 years you are so totally wrapped up in a relationship and everyone refers to "us" only the other persons husband or wife it is part of your life.

Oh believe me, I DO understand!  All my adult life I was married (at age 17), it wasn't until George died (over 16 years ago) that changed.  I STILL feel he's my soulmate, but it's a long time since I was able to fix his favorite dinner or he left the garage light on for me.  It's a long time now I've had to do everything ALONE.  Everything.  No one to consult with, no one to help, no one to take care of me when I have surgery, no one to chip in financially, no one to help around here...believe me, I know how "alone" I am.  I pray a lot.

 

[Sparky1]

11 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I miss my husband smiling and saying, "Hi, hon" when I come in

One of my favourite memories that brings me both comfort and sadness is when I'd call my wife from work. She'd reply 'Hi baby' and I could tell how she was feeling just the way she would say that greeting. When she was in a good mood, I could tell and it would lift my heart. Every day at work, in all the years, I always called her at lunch to see how she was doing.

[Darlene13]

15 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Every day at work, in all the years, I always called her at lunch to see how she was doing.

My husband called me every day too.  We just talked about how our day was going, or what the girls were doing, everyday stuff.  One of the things I really miss...

[John9]

Since my MIL had moved in with us and I was home with her, my loving wife would call or text me whenever she was "slow" at work. She never took a lunch so she could finish earlier and relieve me so I could go take care of my friend. I really miss the phone calls and the texts to say nothing really except that she loved me. This hurts so much and I miss my loving wife so much.

[annie123]

After 43 years of marriage, my husband still called me or introduced me as his bride!!! He was so sweet!!!! I miss him every day!!!!

[John9]

17 minutes ago, annie123 said:

After 43 years of marriage, my husband still called me or introduced me as his bride!!! He was so sweet!!!! I miss him every day!!!!

Sadly, I know there are some out there who will always get "mad" when someone uses a possessive term like, my or mine like when I say my loving wife but I never meant any type of negative term. My loving wife "owns" my broken heart and soul and always will because she took it when she died and never told me she didn't want it. There is just so much wrong with how all of this happened and "ended", even though it isn't over yet.