Realization

[John9]

tnd,

These words of encouragement from you are just one of the reasons I was hoping that you would be able to find someway to be able to continue being who you are. You are a very kind and caring person who even when going through your own pain and suffering care about someone you don't know. I am trying to do what I can to keep going but I am still feeling like I am just going through the motions and everything I do is 1 step forward and 2-3 steps back. Until things quit piling up on my plate and start getting resolved it is so frustrating and aggravating to keep having to repeat myself and nothing gets done. I know you probably feel the same in your own way with the things you are dealing with too. It just seems that this isn't how it should be when dealing with the death of a loved one. Things should be able to be handled differently because it just adds to my stress and makes everything harder. It is a distraction somewhat but having to do it over and over again and explain to so many different people again and again just drives me crazier than I already am. I am so worn out and wiped out and torn up emotionally I really don't know how I am still alive.

[KayC]

It is the "going on" part that is hard.  Last night I told my sister Polly that dying is not the worst thing that Peggy can go through, in my estimation, the worst thing is dementia and she's already going through it.  Polly is very worried because Peggy's caregiver is not vaccinated, but she wears a mask and gloves and Peggy also masks up when she comes & is fully vaccinated.  If worse came to worse and Peggy got Covid, I don't think she'd live very long with it, she has severe COPD and has no will to live.  God, why does life have to be so hard!

[John9]

KayC,

 

1 hour ago, KayC said:

God, why does life have to be so hard!

I agree with your statement, We did everything we could to protect ourselves from Covid. My wife didn't die from it and neither did my MIL but given the facts of what they did die from neither would have made it through a case of Covid which probably would have made it even harder than it already was and is. MIL did not have a good quality of life for the past couple of years but she wasn't "aware" of that fact only we were which does make dementia that much harder on the family caregivers watching them disappear right in front of you. No disease is "good" but some are so much worse and as I said before it was a big fear of my wife's to die like that and cause more pain for me. I am of course torn because I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer from that but we would have had more time together. There is no way of knowing how things would have gone but I don't like how they went. These thoughts are what goes through my mind and have from the beginning and are just torturing me. I know that I need to go on until God is done with me but it is so hard sometimes (always) to do it.

[John9]

Just an update on the "good sister" she is still in the Hospital and waiting to hear from the Doctors as far as what happened and a treatment plan for it. It is a little concerning because nothing ever seems as important to them as it is to "you". They don't seem to understand the lack of information is worse sometimes than the potential bad news. Your mind just goes there especially after the things we went through. Is it related to what happened to....

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I am still feeling like I am just going through the motions and everything I do is 1 step forward and 2-3 steps back. Until things quit piling up on my plate and start getting resolved it is so frustrating and aggravating to keep having to repeat myself and nothing gets done.

John, I am just as frustrated and tired of this big dark cloud as you are. Some days I don't even get to take 1 step forward. And it seems I have been in a holding pattern forever. Everything in my life is up in the air. Every single aspect of it. And now I am living with people I hardly know and having to adjust to THAT too. Of course I am grateful to Francis and her family but still, I had to leave the home I knew and now live in someone else's home. I am safe and comfortable here but it's not the same as having your own place. And the places I've been looking at online to rent (studio or very small apartments) are not as cheap as they use to be, they are in bad neighborhoods and the apartments themselves are old and the reviews of them includes complaints of rats, roaches and crime. It makes me cry because my husband and I had worked so hard to avoid having to live in such places (and we once did) and yet here I am, facing the very real possibility of having to live in some rathole. AND...I still haven't properly been able to grieve my husband. Too much to be done and to think of and being careful not to get in the way here or wear out my welcome. I've lost 8 pounds in one week! No appetite. I'm glad to be here but I'm not relaxed. I don't see how anyone can really relax being in someone else's home. At least not fully relax. Of course I am a bit of a worry wart but I've never had to do this before. And for you, you have your own overwhelming and stressful chaos to fight each day...instead of being able to just sit and properly grieve your wife. So yes, we do this thing I call "the dance" (you call it 1 step forward, 2-3 steps backwards) until hopefully the day comes when we don't have to. Gotta keep our eyes on the prize. It's a shame tho that we need to beg for peace so we can grieve. It's not like we are waiting to take some fun-packed vacation. We just want to simply have some peace and quiet from "chaos storms" so we can grieve! 

[John9]

tnd,

It is really scary how things have changed so much in the 34 years since my wife and I married. Everything has gotten so expensive and it is so hard to "believe" in people anymore. I am very thankful that you found Francis and even though I don't know how you feel living with some "perfect" stranger, I think she is PERFECT at least in this situation. I have said before that neither my wife nor I were perfect just perfect for each other. I know for you it is overwhelming with all you are going through. My wife and I really found out how expensive "rentals" were when our son moved out 5 years ago and we were shocked at what it cost him. I know different areas of the country have wide price differences and of course it is a supply and demand issue too as you said about the subsidized housing and the waiting list for that. The solution is of course something that needs to work for you but it is too bad there is no decency in the housing "suppliers". I believe it was addressed earlier about people who only care about money and don't take care of the buildings and the tenants. I know some do but it seems the majority are just greedy and this doesn't really help you but again it isn't something that people asked for it was something that was thrust upon them at the worst time just in case you weren't going through enough other stuff. Once again all I can do is hope for the best for you and believe that it will work out and also allow you to have the time that you need for your grieving and I do know how hard just doing that can be. I know about the not wanting to eat but I have eaten more in the last week than I did recently and I guess it is a "good" thing but I don't enjoy the food like before. I am still crying as I did before but I still haven't let myself grieve, I think I am afraid to let go fully of my emotions after having to hold it together for so long. I don't know for sure but I still think that when it happens it won't be easy on me. Still not sleeping well or long, up way earlier than I want to be especially when I don't have a reason to get up early anymore. I know this is a gradual process and I understand that but, what happened to us wasn't always gradual and trying to get my brain to follow reason isn't easy either. I am trying my best to do what I can to keep going but it is hard. I am trying to give you encouragement but I know whatever I say is just not quite "right" but I try.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd and John9,

I think you both have done incredibly well under terrible circumstances.  I have nothing but admiration for you both.  The following comments are just some thoughts that have been running around in my head.  I don't know if they will strike you as way off base, or if they will seem like a bit of support. I hope the latter.

There is no doubt that you both have had, and continue to have, very difficult circumstances. But a lot of what you describe: anxiety, sleeplessness, difficulty accomplishing tasks - staying focused, feeling like everything is going wrong, feeling like everything is way too difficult, etc, are a big part of grieving even when circumstances are not as difficult as yours. 

I had terrible anxiety when my husband died. You name it, I was afraid it would happen to me, and then what would I do?  I couldn't sleep for more than a few hours. Every creak in my 120 year old house was ominous. I couldn't make decisions, so thankfully my SIL stepped in and made a million decisions for me (preparing my house for sale). Everything seemed overwhelmingly complicated. 

My brain had worked so long as part of a partnership with my husband, it really struggled to function independently from him.  I know that sounds crazy, but I really couldn't think well for a long time after he died.  I had trouble making sense of the world. I was extremely frustrated when things did not happen as quickly as I expected, such as getting John's death certificate, as I needed that for so many other tasks. So many decisions had to be made, and I kept saying, I'll let you know, I am thinking about it, . . . But I would never make the decision.  Because I was sleep deprived, and because everyone was tugging on me to decide this and that, in frustration I would yell at the people who were trying to help me.  Then I'd feel terrible about yelling at them. Mostly, I just felt terrible, lost, confused, worthless, a person with no purpose. 

I felt this way and I had a lot of support from family and friends. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that our grief experiences seem to be similar in many ways, no matter what our physical circumstances are.   I don't mean to minimize the incredible hardships you two have each had to deal with.  I certainly recognize each of you have a much more difficult path than I.  I just see so many similarities in the way grief has manifested in all of our lives.

I don't know if this helps in anyway, but I think a lot of what you are feeling would be occurring no matter what your circumstances.  You might not have exactly the same worries, fears, frustrations, but your grief brain would keep you up all night with other worries, fears, and frustrations.  

Sadly, it's really miserable no matter what circumstances you are in. Because the really big problem is that the one person we each need in our lives is gone.  All the other stressors in life are tangential.  If your love was still with you, life would be manageable, even if it was hard. 

I am no expert in any of this, these are just my observations. 

On a more positive note, my brain fog did eventually improve.  I have found a way to live without my love. 

Gail

[KayC]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I am of course torn because I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer from that but we would have had more time together.

Oh John, I understand.  I find myself having to be guarded with what I say to Peggy now, I never did before.

John, praying for the "good sister," I hope you let us know when you have an update.

Gail, as always, you say the perfect things for all of us, we love and appreciate you!

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I thank you for the comments, and my grief brain agrees that you are probably correct. As I have said before even when you know something is "right" doesn't make it easier. And yes the one who can "fix" it all is the one we lost and that of course makes it even worse. My thoughts are part of the problem and the current state of "instant gratification" doesn't help because compared to that everything seems so slow. I also believe that in my current state of "time dragging" the time it takes to get anything done probably just seems worse than it actually is if and when I were to be able to look back on it objectively. But at this stage I can't do this as much as I really want to. I can only hope each day that things get easier and I can at least get closure for all of the other things on my plate which are "keeping" me from the actual grieving for my wife and also my friend and MIL. This is a hope I have for anyone going through this but it is very hard without the needed support that "we" are lacking from those closest to us.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, John9 said:

even when you know something is "right" doesn't make it easier.

For sure. 

[John9]

Well the "good" sister is home from the Hospital, she had 2 mini strokes due to some narrowing of blood flow somewhere in her neck (not carotid) and they believe that they can control with medication. She was told she was lucky but also "yelled" at because she is a smoker and even after my wife died and her sister died she continued to smoke putting her at a higher risk for this type of a situation. She can't drive or go back to work until she is cleared by her Doctor and she needs to see 3 of them for various follow-up visits so luckily so far it is good she is still in the dark as to a total diagnosis. Hopefully her condition was caught in time to make a difference unlike my wife's issues. I don't think I can handle anymore death unless it is my own at this time. But hopefully with diet and medication she will be okay.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But a lot of what you describe: anxiety, sleeplessness, difficulty accomplishing tasks - staying focused, feeling like everything is going wrong, feeling like everything is way too difficult, etc, are a big part of grieving even when circumstances are not as difficult as yours. 

Gail 8588:  You have perfectly described and explained what I am feeling and going through. Wish you could have been here to explain all this to my brother and SIL. I tried to, over and over but in the end, my brother said I needed to "go get myself fixed" and check in at the mental ward for yelling at my SIL. They thought my raising my voice at her was a sign of craziness. Say what?? They made it all about them and how I hurt their feelings, even after I apologized and explained that I am having a hard time thinking clearly and why. None of what I had been telling them about my medical condition, my grief and the pursuing stress mattered to them. Only THEIR feelings and how they saw it, I was nuts and needed to go to a mental hospital or (as my brother told me) "go live on the street". Who says that kind of thing to someone? Who?? So I let go and now grieving the loss of the brother I once knew (the good one). And that is that. Moving on. I have to if I am going to survive. I want to enjoy life again and I know it will be a long while before I do but by gosh, with the help of Francis and my new family and my friends on here, I am working my way there! I think this is what my husband would want. Maybe very slowly and I guess I don't get to take a straight line there but every day/nite I just try to actually picture my future in my mind...new place, make new friends, start cooking again, figure out how to do grocery shopping on my own and being independent. I just need to gain my footing again but with a little help this time. Thank you so much for being here, Gail. You are a gift! 

 

[tnd]

12 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't think I can handle anymore death unless it is my own at this time. But hopefully with diet and medication she will be okay.

John9:  Glad good sister is home and doing okay. Sorry about the scare and the stress this may have put on you. You certainly do not need more on your plate. Things like this are probably one of the reasons why you talk about not wanting to be around. Grief obviously wears us down. I wish I could follow my husband too and join him. I miss him so much and if I could just go be with him I know I'd feel so much better. Just to take my place by his side would make me feel so so good. Would feel normal and right now, everything feels anything but normal. Guess it's not our time yet tho. Guess we still have to trudge along. Ever notice that "trouble" never makes an appointment to see us? It just shows up when it wants to. And right now, it feels like "trouble" visits every day. 

I wish I could be like a chameleon; change/adjust when I need to but still have everything stay the same. My husband and I use to watch little lizards and chameleons for entertainment. I noticed after they staked out their spot, they'd be very still and patiently wait for small moths or bugs.  I don't really know if that is what makes them happy but seems to. After all, they get a meal. Sometimes many meals. And that's kind of how I'd like to have things. To be able to have the patience I need in order to have a little happiness. We are going to have to hang on, John. Your good news for the day, is that good sister is back in her own home and resting now. That's a positive.   

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

 . . . hopefully with diet and medication she will be okay.

John9, 

So glad she is doing better. 

Hoping you have many years without another loss. 

Gail    

[John9]

So, I just received a text from my wife's cousin who is a few years younger than my wife was. He said he had been having chest pains and shortness of breath and tests were run and he is having open heart surgery on Thursday to replace a valve and a bypass. He was told it was hereditary and if my wife hadn't died of heart issues he might not have gone to the Doctor. This doesn't help my grief but if there is a sliver of a silver lining in her death, maybe he will live to see his children grow up. I had said when she died that the "family" might want to check with their own Doctors and at least he listened to me. I hope this works for him.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

They thought my raising my voice at her was a sign of craziness. Say what??

No, sometimes we are just pushed and pushed and can't take any more!  We all have our limit, she exceeded yours.  Raising our voice may not be effective but it releases that built up steam, that's why we do it without even thinking!  I'm trying to be mindful and calm to my sister but firm and step back as needed, OMG it's a balancing act!  Not easy.  I totally get your blowing at her, couldn't have happened to a more deserving person!

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I noticed after they staked out their spot, they'd be very still and patiently wait for small moths or bugs.  I don't really know if that is what makes them happy but seems to. After all, they get a meal. Sometimes many meals. And that's kind of how I'd like to have things. To be able to have the patience I need in order to have a little happiness.

I love this analogy!  I will try to remember that one. 

II'm glad the "good sister" will be okay...my sister told us all she quit smoking but I discovered she's been lying to us all, I can't worry about what I can't change but I sure understand about any concerns you have for her.

I'm glad the cousin is getting a second chance at life!  Yes, we have to look for and grasp those silver linings, although sometimes I've wondered why we couldn't have gotten that second chance at life instead of the bomb that was sent our way when our spouse died.    (Sorry, buzzkill...)

[John9]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, we have to look for and grasp those silver linings, although sometimes I've wondered why we couldn't have gotten that second chance at life instead of the bomb that was sent our way when our spouse died.    (Sorry, buzzkill...)

KayC,

Trust me this has been going through my brain since I found out about both the "good sister" and her cousin and probably anytime I hear about a "miracle" recovery. I am "glad" he is seeking treatment and even okay with him reaching out to tell me, but this is the first attempt to talk to me since right after my wife died and it is about him and not helpful to my grieving. I don't know why the lesson couldn't have been learned by my wife having a close call and not dying. I have said that she cared more about others than herself and it seems as if this is an example of that, I know that is a stretch but it "helps" and Hurts at the same time. I don't want anyone to die or anyone to have to deal what we are or have dealt with but I still question why her and why now (or when it happened). I don't know if and when I will ever get to be with her again and if I will ever receive an "answer" but right now it just shows how life is not evenly distributed I don't want to use the "F" word because I have already said what we all know that it isn't that way is it. More and more examples all the time and it just eats at me more and more as the days drag on and keep getting harder and harder and I miss her more and more each day. I hate being this way but "most" of what I cared about is gone from my life and it is hard to look forward to doing this for any length of time. No future looks possible at this stage and I "know" that others felt similar and "made"it through but I don't know how. This may come across more as rambling because so much is going through my brain right now that I am having trouble writing it in any sort of order but this is me at this moment of time and.....

[KayC]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't know why the lesson couldn't have been learned by my wife having a close call and not dying.

I know, it more than stinks, doesn't it.

5 hours ago, John9 said:

she cared more about others than herself and it seems as if this is an example of that, I know that is a stretch but it "helps" and Hurts at the same time.

I get tthat, it seems a silver lining of a sort but also a double edged sword at the same time.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

No future looks possible at this stage and I "know" that others felt similar and "made"it through but I don't know how. This may come across more as rambling because so much is going through my brain right now

John9:  No matter how big or small the task, everything seems so overwhelming right now. At the end of the day I don't even know how I made it. The days all run together like one gigantic blurry picture. I wake up this way and I go to bed this way. I'd like the picture to change now. Only I'm afraid how it might change. But I don't want to just exist either. If I am to move forward until my own time comes then so be it but I beg to have some sort of mercy. Bad enough we are without our loved ones but to keep suffering is eating away at me. Almost quite literally. Was thinking of your wife's Petunias....I wonder if you can pick them before they wilt and put them between wax paper in a book to press them and save them. Just the first ones from this year. I'm not really sure how you press/save flowers or if you can put them in a glass frame but may be worth the try. Or put them inside some small pouch to keep. I still have the petals from the roses my husband brought me the first time I invited him over for dinner. I cherish them more than ever. 

[John9]

tnd,

Thank you for the suggestion, I don't know what I am doing from one moment to the next but it is something for me to think about that isn't "sad". I tried to look everywhere for the "card" from the flowers she sent me when we first got together and sadly I can't seem to find it. I would have sworn that I would have kept it but....I may come across it when I least expect to but I looked everywhere I could think of. I am now more of a person going through the motions since I don't "need" to do anything with any urgency like feed or medicate MIL so time just slips away and the next thing I know it's late and nothing got done. Sadly I don't care that it didn't and nobody is relying on me but the cats and as long as I keep food, water and a clean litter box (2) they are happy since they seem to sleep 25 hours a day (haha). I am trying but it is like I said before that whenever I think I am doing good I am knocked down again and again. It isn't that I want to die as much as I want to be with my wife but this life is not one and obviously it isn't anyway like it was with her and never can be again. Again nothing makes the least bit of sense to me and I am not sure it ever will again as I now look at things differently than before without any sense of purpose or any goals. I don't want to drag anyone down but I have to get this of my chest and out of my head or else I feel like I will explode.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am trying but it is like I said before that whenever I think I am doing good I am knocked down again and again.

John9:  It's almost like being brainwashed into believing that all I can expect now is torture. Just problems. Even 10 months ago when my husband first went into the hospital was easier compared to what has unfolded since then. But I don't think I am done yet. I have to hope that I will be able to get my own place and then from there, try to live life again. I guess for you that would be trying to live life being responsible for just yourself for a change. These are new beginnings for us. Not the sort of beginning people actually look forward to but they are still "beginnings". 

 

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't want to drag anyone down but I have to get this of my chest and out of my head or else I feel like I will explode.

John9:  That's why we are here. I'd like to be able to cry, sob or wail but I am in someone else's house with other people. Can't do it. But if I get a place of my own you better believe I probably will. Meanwhile, I come here to get things off my chest and out of my head. You're not dragging anyone down.    

[John9]

tnd,

When my wife first died I was screaming daily into my pillow to not scare MIL and the cats it helped but hurt my throat so I stopped doing it for a while. I understand not wanting to cry in front of others especially when you are a "guest" because I was and am careful if someone is here with me and not being able to let go. Since MIL died I have cried out loud more and the cats don't like it. I can't help it and it just comes out of nowhere and it is so emotionally draining as I am "sure" you know as does everyone else here. I have jokingly said I need a padded room where it is sound-proof so I can just let it all out as loud as I can for as long as I can, I am alone and I can scream but the neighbors would probably call the police and they would not be happy about it and neither would I, already had an issue with the cats when EMS showed up for MIL. So the pillow it is when it gets to bad and I have to just scream my fool head off.

[tnd]

My cats are uncomfortable with my crying too. But afterwards they come to comfort me. Only I need more than to be comforted by two cats. Seems I need a whole new life. Sometimes I sit and look around me and can't believe any of this has happened. I can't believe that my husband is gone and now I am living in someone else's house poor and broke with no place to go. On the other hand, I did pray for a miracle and that's what I have been given. I'm not dying on the street somewhere as some unknown. Someone reached out and helped to save me. Thank God for Francis and her family. I need to just suck it up and count my blessings and then, if/when I get my own place, I can cry all I want to. And yes, we do need to keep our neighbors in mind. If I had a car I'd take a drive just to scream. I use to scream in my car after a bad day at the office. Usually because of some lazy good-for-nothing panzy-arse not liking what I did. Sometimes I use to just get in my car and take a long drive with the music blaring in effort to push out any stress stuck up in my brain. No car to do that in now. But if I did...

[John9]

tnd,

I have done that and I think I actually scared some people while doing so. Many years ago, way before I met my wife and gas was "cheap" driving was a very good stress reliever for me. After marriage I really had nowhere to go to relieve stress  because if I had stress it was with me all the time, nothing like it is now though and I can't drive far enough to get away from myself because it is still with me wherever I go. The things "we" did to relax I can't bring myself to do alone. This is that no joy, no desire, nothing part I have said before.

[KayC]

I hear you.  I used to drive or walk out in the woods and scream but can't even do that, the woods are closed to fires.  It might be stress relieving but it'd also hurt my throat/tongue condition I live with, which hurts all the time anyway.  Plenty of pent up stress from my sister.  I wish we had some momentary "joy" but I find I have to look for it continually...

[tnd]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

The things "we" did to relax I can't bring myself to do alone. This is that no joy, no desire, nothing part I have said before.

John9:  I don't know why but I just started watching movies again. I watch after I go to my room for the night or if I can't sleep. If I could set it up I'd probably get on my laptop and surf the net but watching movies again hasn't been so bad. If I get tired I turn the TV off. Nonetheless, it is hard to think of enjoying anything, anything at all. I cried thinking about my husband after watching a movie last night. It had nothing to do with the movie, I just simply really really miss him. I prayed for a miracle and I got one -Francis. But I wish I could have the ultimate miracle, I'm sure you do too, and I know that is not the sort of miracle I should be praying for. My husband deserves to rest and have peace and harmony in Heaven and I have no doubt that is where he's at. To have him back with me would deprive him of that and would be selfish. And yet, if/when I can join him isn't up to me. To carry this sorrow AND to have patience is hard.   

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish we had some momentary "joy" but I find I have to look for it continually...

KayC:  Sometimes we do have to look for joy. We have to seek joy. But having to continually can also wear us down. And then it becomes a resentment. Don't go there...resentment is just as bad as bitterness. We've got to try to avoid negativity. In your sister's case, I'd only seek joy with her when I am up to it. If you are already tired or feeling at all iffy about it, that's probably not the time to visit her.  

[John9]

17 minutes ago, tnd said:

it is hard to think of enjoying anything, anything at all. I cried thinking about my husband after watching a movie last night. It had nothing to do with the movie, I just simply really really miss him.

tnd,

This is my day from beginning to end, Not the watching a movie part but everything TV, commercials, movies, music, flowers, birds, cats, sounds, I mean literally everything and any momentary "happy" or "joyful" thought is immediately overtaken by a sad or negative image/thought and I am tired of it all. I had a thought today as I was showering, I have been stressed for 12 years(my friend), extremely stressed for 5 years(MIL), ridiculously stressed for 1 year(2020 and all of it's issues and such) and off the charts stressed for 6 months(death of wife and caring for MIL) and I am serious when I say I do not know how or why I am still alive.

24 minutes ago, tnd said:

My husband deserves to rest and have peace and harmony in Heaven and I have no doubt that is where he's at.

I agree with you about my wife being at peace, I have even gone so far as to say to her when I talk to her that I am sorry for bothering her. I just miss her so much and it is pure torture without her.

[tnd]

John9:  I don't think there is any bouncing back after we lose our spouse but I am hoping to gain some sort of sense of normalcy in my life. No matter what kind of stress or sadness we were and are having, the one "constant" in my life, even when my husband was alive, was major stress these past several years. It just never let up. But we kept hanging on to hope. And then I lost my partner in all that. I was hanging by a thread before and now that thread has broken and I've fallen. But I don't know what to do if I ever get myself back up. And that's just it; IF I get back up. I feel like roadkill. Really hard to even try to enjoy anything when you look in the mirror and hate what all this has done to you. The only thing I can think of is that I will have to reinvent myself in some way. Gain a second skin and with it, a new attitude or body armor. Carry the dead, grieving me inside the new alive me. You know, it's fairly common for them to leave the old/original kidneys in a person when they get a transplant. I picture something like that with the old me/new me. Right now tho, I try not to think too far ahead or else I feel overwhelmed and cry over missing my husband and what we had together. I am trying to live more "in the now". That's hard to do because I was good at planning ahead. I like to be organized and ready. But the last several years were anything BUT organized. And certainly not right now. I'm living out of two suitcases. Hardly call that being organized. Certainly not enjoyable. But could be worse, a lot worse. Hope my husband sees that I am alright and safe. Wouldn't want him seeing the turmoil I'm living. Or the pain. 

[John9]

5 minutes ago, tnd said:

I feel like roadkill.

I truly get this statement as I definitely feel like I was run over and left on the side or in the middle of the road and keep getting hit over and over. I live on a busy road and have picked up some of the smaller critters and buried them so they won't keep getting hit more and more. I don't even think too far in advance but at the same time I am constantly worrying about all of the things that still need to be taken care of legally and will need to be taken care of next year (taxes). I is just too much and it makes my head spin and it is the main reason that IF I sleep and wake up too early that I am unable to get back to sleep way too much stuff in my head and I cant stop it and it just doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.

[tnd]

I found that I needed to break the cycle of having my head fill up every day with all the things I need to consider and to do. Talking with Francis and her family about things other than my sucky life has helped and so did watching movies on the TV. Just something other than the grief and stress. A brief respite from it all seems to have broken the vicious cycle of the  "wake up stressed, walk around all day with stress, go to bed with stress". Even doing the dishes helped me. It's those alone, quiet times that get me. That's why I think one big wave of grief will hit me after I get into my own place. Hopefully after the initial hit it won't be so bad to cope with. I know my grief isn't going to go away but hope to be able to somehow manage it without it knocking the life out of me. I don't want to just sit and rot in my own juices. That's not a life and I don't think I could rest very easy and talk to my husband if I'm just rotting away. He'd hate knowing that. He'd be hurt by it. There's been enough "hurt" for the both of us. Time to start healing. He healed when he entered Heaven, I have to heal here on earth. If I can't, I can only hope the good Lord will take me but something tells me that I'm suppose to try here first. 

[John9]

tnd,

I am glad you have found something that works for you, sadly when MIL was alive she was a focus for me with having a task to do what needed for her care. Now that she isn't here that is gone and even though she wasn't much of a conversationalist she was at least a person in the house and now for some reason the cats don't seem to want to talk to me much (Oriental shorthairs do talk) and my wife doesn't answer me in words, just flowers . I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do and I agree that if I have to be here I need to figure something out, it is just very hard right now.

[tnd]

First things first, take a little break and just rest. Even if it's in the middle of the day, laying down and purposely letting your shoulders relax will help. I didn't realize how tensed up I was until I actually did that. I literally felt my shoulders just relax. Then I napped. Just sort of off/on but I counted it as resting. 

[John9]

tnd,

That was one of the types of headaches my wife would get, the tension headache and I know that it was all stress related. It was all in her neck and shoulders and I would rub her shoulders all the time. I miss that too.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

literally everything and any momentary "happy" or "joyful" thought is immediately overtaken by a sad or negative image/thought

That may be, but keep your eye out anyway, someday the good may be greater and the bad lesser, hopefully at least.

@tnd I don't look for joy in my sister, believe me.  I do it out of compassion for her.  What would I want someone to do for me if I was out of my brain?!

17 hours ago, tnd said:

Talking with Francis and her family about things other than my sucky life has helped and so did watching movies on the TV. Just something other than the grief and stress. A brief respite from it all seems to have broken the vicious cycle

That is good!

[John9]

12 minutes ago, KayC said:

I do it out of compassion for her.  What would I want someone to do for me if I was out of my brain?!

KayC,

I agree and that is basically why "we" did what we did for "all" because without compassion for others who are we and I hate that my brain wants to lean towards regrets about any of it but those thoughts are there, especially since my wife died AND did so in the middle of caring for her Mother. Did I miss something about my wife because I was too busy doing for others? I would HOPE that if it were me who needs help it will be there but I won't be able to control that anymore than I could anything up to this point can I. These are the types of thoughts I can't keep out of my head especially during the so called "quiet" times, I know that I really am my own enemy and I really always have been and my wife was the only one who could and did help me whenever I was in the "funk" or mood as I would suspect is the case for anyone who lost that most important person in their world. I am just trying to make it until God says that whatever he has planned for me is done and if that is for me to suffer then I guess I will suffer, because that is what I am doing right now and it feels endless.

[KayC]

It seems that way to those of us here, doesn't it.  

[John9]

I don't really know any updates about "good sister" she says she doesn't feel any better than when she was in the Hospital and she has an appointment Tuesday to see the first Doctor and as MIL used to say one step at a time. My wife's cousin had the surgery but I don't know how he is doing, which isn't a surprise since no one bothered to stay in touch after my wife died or MIL died. I am just barely functional myself and it takes everything to just get up in the mornings. I have to force myself to do anything or everything but if I don't it won't get done. This life sucks so much and hurts so bad I don't know why I am still here except there is something I haven't done in God's eyes or as I have said before I am being punished for mistakes I have made.

[KayC]

It's not punishment, John, although it can sure feel that way!  Bottom line, this world/life kind of sucks more and more as of late and all we're experiencing sure proves it!  (Look at world events, weather, catastrophes, etc. not to mention our personal lives)  It reminds me more and more that the world to come is our home, this one is temporary, thankfully.

[John9]

KayC,

I think you hit the nail on the head as far as the world events as my wife used to make comments about the state of things and how bad it seemed. I know this is "temporary" but it has been too long already for me. I can't seem to get past the punishment feeling even though you and others have said that it isn't and maybe for you it isn't but like the grief is personal maybe the punishment is too. We are really never hardest on anyone as much as we are on ourselves are we.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, John9 said:

We are really never hardest on anyone as much as we are on ourselves are we.

John9:  I'm a worry-wart and guess I always have been. But much of it comes from having so many things happen in my life -lots of drama and trauma. After awhile, I just sort of expected it to so I wouldn't be caught off guard anymore. Things have never come easy for me and I'm sure it doesn't for other people either but I never expected it to. I know the value of hard work and the pride you feel when you've accomplished something on your own. But just when I thought we were keeping our heads above the water and could see the shore and swim to it, the bottom fell out. Again. Only this time it took my life partner, my beloved. This is very different from any challenges or difficulties I've ever faced. 

I know it's not a punishment but It DOES FEEL like it. I'm suffering the same effects as if it were. John, like you said, just getting up in the morning is hard. Another day of pain to face. Then I get mad. I get frustrated and actually angry about it. I beg it to stop or for God to take me. I wrestle with dark thoughts every-single-darn-day. Fortunately, a prayer was answered in the form of a true miracle for me -Francis. She and her family are now my family and they are all I've got here. I can see Francis is trying hard to make me feel comfortable and cared for. But she can't bring back my husband. I cry every night. Then my cats console me. I know this sounds dumb but really, try turning to your wife's cats. Talk to them, tell them about her and tell them to hang in there with you. That's what I tell my cats. It doesn't help quite in the way I want it to but it does help. That's why when I get my own place I want to be able to sit alone with my morning coffee and tell things to my husband. I can still ask for inspiration from him. I can still tell him my thoughts. But I want to do it in privacy and in a comfortable setting when I am relaxed. In my own place. I want to make a routine of it. I find I do better when I have a routine and I want talking to my husband to be a part of my routine. Try it for yourself if you haven't already. Or if you have, keep talking to your wife. Tell her every thought you have. She's still your confidant. 

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

This life sucks so much and hurts so bad I don't know why I am still here except there is something I haven't done in God's eyes or as I have said before I am being punished for mistakes I have made.

John, these are the exact sentiments I have. Every day I ask God why, did I do something wrong, did my wife do something wrong? I can understand if she was elderly but she wasn't and could have had another 20 to 25 years. I guess He only knows the answers and we just torture ourselves with all kinds of thoughts. We miss our partner and wish that they were still here with us. For me it's like being on a boat with no rudder. The world doesn't excite me, its all unimportant to me, I'm just biding my time.

[John9]

tnd,

Believe it or not I do tell her cats everyday that I miss their "Mother" and that she would be having fun with them. I can't stop the thoughts and I know I can't change what happened but I also will never understand it either. I am just so destroyed by this that the only thing that makes any sense is that it is a punishment. I just can't wrap my brain around any other explanation. To have to be here without my soulmate, my everything, my world is nothing but pure torture and as I have said each day is worse than the day before and not getting any better.

You can file this wherever you would like but this morning was really hard and when I got out of the shower I was crying and talking to her and I asked her to tell me if she still loved me and when I went into the Living Room, the next song that came on the radio was "You are Not Alone by Michael Jackson".

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I can understand if she was elderly but she wasn't and could have had another 20 to 25 years. I guess He only knows the answers and we just torture ourselves with all kinds of thoughts. We miss our partner and wish that they were still here with us. For me it's like being on a boat with no rudder.

Sparky1,

I agree about the statement about age or even a diagnosed disease with a life expectancy but not the way it happened. Also at least you feel like you have a boat, I am just barely keeping my nose above water waiting to go under and drown.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Every day I ask God why

I did this for about a year and got no resounding answers so gave up asking.  I don't see any correlation between who loses their spouse all too soon and those that get to keep theirs into their 90s!  Good people have bad things happen to them.  
This is a good book, imo:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728

I do know that I've found purpose in using what I've been through and learned on my grief journey (and later in my diabetic journey to learning about health)...even the childhood traumas and abuse I received as a young married person...all have helped me relate to other people on almost everything but drugs...never went through that although people in my family have had alcohol/drug issues.  We use what we go through in going forward.  We in so doing turn bad into blessing if we choose to but oh gosh it can take a long and painful journey reaching that point.

[tnd]

Grief in itself is very punishing. I've never been so down in my life. Or emotional. I'm hitting a lot of speed bumps and potholes. I use to not dread waking up in the morning. Or fear going to bed at night alone. Being around Francis and her family has helped. And somehow Francis seems to know when to talk to me and lift me up. She too has experienced terrible grief from losing a brother and then a child. Maybe not the same as losing a spouse and she knows that but she understands where my head is at these days. She says every day I wake up alive and with a roof over my head, I need to be grateful to let joy into my life. Where I am at (Francis's house) is a positive. First thing I did this morning was start to cry. But I finished a little sooner and started my day. Looked in my suitcase and put on some clothes I haven't worn in a while. Something more cheerful than my usual dowdy tee-shirt and sweatpants. Felt a little better. Not so depressing. I'm not going anywhere but to dress a little more put-together kind of helps today. Francis is right; I've got to see any positive I can in each day. I actually use to practice that so I know how to do it. I know what Francis meant. I'll probably still cry, I expect I will but I don't want to wake up wishing I was dead. I want to be alive so I can see happiness again. If I've got to bide my time here on earth until I can join my husband, then I want to have some sort of happiness. I don't see that happening anytime soon but I'm going to keep saying it until I do. 

[John9]

Just got a text about my wife's cousin, He went into cardiac arrest yesterday and is right now scheduled for a pacemaker tomorrow.

KayC and tnd,

I do really try to make the best of this difficult situation but it is so overwhelming and it just keeps on coming. Today "I" received a letter from MIL's benefits company with a request for her spouse to fill out the beneficiary form. Her spouse died in 2002 and they were told that when I called and told them she died. I called them and they said they need his death certificate, so now I am being dragged further into a "mess" that isn't mine about a person who isn't even involved in any of this. I barely even talked to MIL's husband (who was not my wife's father) because he was an alcoholic and I didn't need or want that and neither did my wife and son. So now a simple request to end her benefits turns into a long drawn out process just to make my life so much more "fun". Long story short UPDATE beneficiary forms because if MIL had done that I wouldn't be in this mess.

[KayC]

I hope all goes well with your wife's cousin.  My mom had a pacemaker, lived with it to 92, it helped a lot.

I am sorry you're having to deal with that.  I do not intend to settle my sister's estate, she left me all the work but I get nothing out of it, so I figure someone else in the family can do it or the state can, I refuse.  I never agreed to do it.  She let it go all this time and I refuse to accept it on my lap, I have my own stuff to deal with and that alone is overwhelming.  My family understands.  She is now past the point of being sane enough for any changes to be legal or non-contestable.  It will be what it will be.

I'm so sorry that someone else's not attending their matters left it all on you.  As executor of her estate you should be able to charge the estate for your time, I hope you're keeping track of it and what you're doing so you at least get paid for it.

[John9]

On 9/21/2021 at 10:54 AM, KayC said:

As executor of her estate you should be able to charge the estate for your time, I hope you're keeping track of it and what you're doing so you at least get paid for it.

KayC,

Sorry my response is "late" somehow I didn't receive an alert for this. I tried to get out of this but the Attorney said I would be better off leaving things as they are but we haven't formalized anything yet. I am hoping it is a simple probate because all she "owned" was a house that isn't worth much, but as I have been reminded many times in the last 2 years what I want means nothing. As my wife and I always said what difference does it matter what pocket the money comes out of, the only one who will benefit from here house is my son so if I take money I am taking it from him and when I die he gets it all anyway. MIL's will was set up for my wife and/or me to serve as Personal Representative or executor of her estate but since my wife died everything just got piled on top of all else I have to do. I am beginning to wonder if this is the only reason I am still alive so my son doesn't have to deal with the big mess that would be left when I die (if things aren't done).

 

[John9]

Today is another not good day, it is another "Sadderday" and that means my wife should be here with me and isn't. It started off as a rainy day and then cleared up and I decided I would try to go out and enter the "real" world and sadly it turned out just as the previous times did. I had some "coupons" for percentage off and "free" money and I was barely able to keep it together and nothing felt right and I was walking like a zombie and not enjoying myself. My wife and I used to shop to "relax" and liked looking for deals but now it actually seems to be hurting me. I don't expect to be "happy" when I am out, I just don't want to be totally miserable all of the time. I am not giving up on trying it is just so hard in every way and in everything I try to do. I just can't stop thinking about her and that she isn't ever going to here with me again and she was my whole world down to the tiniest thing.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I just can't stop thinking about her and that she isn't ever going to here with me again and she was my whole world down to the tiniest thing.

John9:  This is so true..."down to the tiniest thing". Not that it really mattered but my husband would buy brown eggs and not white because that is what I'd buy. Didn't think he paid attention to stuff like that but he did. One time I complained about needing new underwear. Next thing I knew, he came home with exactly the right brand, size and color. Stuff like that always made me feel good.