Members tnd Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 John9: That's why I think you should keep trying to get out to do the things you need or want to do. Even if you go back home in tears. Trying is doing something and that must mean you still have willpower, maybe even some hope for yourself. I'm not there yet mostly because of my illness and I no longer have a car or money. But I think if I physically felt better and did have a little money and transportation of some sort, I may try to get out for a bit. Only yesterday knocked me back down and I haven't even gotten back up...they say don't kick a person when they are down. Well, that's what it feels like for me right now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 tnd, 3 minutes ago, tnd said: Trying is doing something and that must mean you still have willpower, maybe even some hope for yourself. I am trying to do things to try to get out of my own head but it isn't working and may actually be making it worse for me. I don't know I'm not an expert on anything but it doesn't make any sense to me and hasn't since my loving wife died and the looping and continuous cycle of pain hurts. I am alone in the house with only my thoughts and I go out and I have other thoughts and sadness and..... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 John9: I think we both need something in our lives to help us break this cycle of feeling this way. I slept a little last night and woke up feeling a little better but still down about things. Maybe you need to order takeout, batten down the hatches and curl up with a good blanket and the TV on. Don't have to watch it, just have it on. That's what I did and finally got sleepy enough that I turned it off and fell asleep. But I need hope, not just sleep. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 tnd, It's "funny" when my loving wife was alive I used to fall asleep to the TV all the time because we would go to bed to relax and unwind after caring for MIL and usually would fall asleep during some program with the sleep timer on. Now if the TV is on I can't sleep and if the TV is off I can't sleep and.....I am sleeping but not very well and not as long or as late as I want to even after staying up later since MIL died. My whole life was ruined when my loving wife died and the routine I tried to keep for MIL hasn't fully "reset" yet. I still think I am overdue for my complete breakdown and I don't know why it hasn't happened yet. I don't know why I am holding on or back. I guess from all the years of being there for everyone I have been afraid to let go fully and now I still am not able to. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, John9 said: I still think I am overdue for my complete breakdown and I don't know why it hasn't happened yet. John9: Maybe you've been letting enough out at a time each day that you're not going to have a complete breakdown. I thought I already had a breakdown but no, I could probably breakdown some more. Just not today. Too tired and breakdowns are exhausting. And I don't have any chocolate or ice cream to reward myself afterwards. But if I ever get a place of my own... 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 tnd, Just now, tnd said: And I don't have any chocolate or ice cream to reward myself afterwards. But if I ever get a place of my own... I have not been buying and of those because ice cream was something my loving wife had every night and I can't enjoy it without her here. The chocolate I had when she died I ate but there was no joy in it either so I haven't bought anymore. As I said before everything is a trigger, especially food(s). My loving wife was such a good cook and she really enjoyed making different foods and as she said "experimenting" by being creative or altering a favorite recipe. I just have no desire for anything that we used to eat and barely want to eat anything. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, John9 said: I just have no desire for anything that we used to eat and barely want to eat anything. John9: I hear ya on that one. I've been in the same boat...lost quite a bit of weight now. But for some reason ice cream sounds good. Something I haven't had in a long time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 So, here I sit on a rainy Sunday morning listening to a Classic top 40 countdown from October 1986 and crying my eyes out because I remember almost all of the songs. My loving wife and I were in the early stages of our "relationship" (we married in January 1987). This is the type of things that just tear me apart and I can't avoid because as I said my loving wife IS my EVERYTHING and IS connected to me in every way and it just hurts so bad. This is the first rainy Sunday since MIL died and "we" would probably just stayed in bed because we finally would be able to for the first time in almost "forever" (12 years) and that hurts too. Me staying in bed is not the same because even though I can still talk to her she can't answer me and of course that hurt more. I just don't know how much more I can handle. Yes I am stronger than I thought I was because otherwise I would be dead or in an institute for the people who have lost touch with "reality" . I don't like this reality and maybe I am in a facility and have created the cycle of pain for myself. Maybe nothing is real anymore I don't know. All I know is I don't like it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Malisacher Posted October 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 John9 Its cold rainy Sunday here as well …Tomorrow will be 4 weeks without my soulmate best friend the love of my life …I can’t do anything without thinking about my husband …Everything I eat or do …can’t bring myself to listen to music or play any games watch any movies or tv ….if I watch tv I have it on ID investigation discovery…I get mad and jealous when I see couples …The only thing keeping me going is our son he is 15 and special needs so I get out of bed for him ….I think if I didn’t have him I might of died of a broken heart . 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 Malisacher, I am sorry for your loss and I think we are getting the same rain as I am in Michigan as well. I initially kept going because I had to take care of MIL with dementia after my loving wife dies because "we" were caring for her together and my loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was barely able to function but I had to for MIL and to honor my loving wife and MIL died at the end of August so now I have no real reason to exist except that "everyone" says that God has a plan for me that I am unaware of. I have expected to die of a broken heart every day since my loving wife died, there have been too many "events" since that have significance but somehow I am still here. I told many people that I don't expect to make it through the Holidays for that same reason. The only thing I can say is this forum/site has helped me make it as far as I have in the grieving process. I am just so lost without my loving wife, my soulmate, my whole world, my everything and I am nothing without her. Our son is 30 years old and as much as I love him it isn't the same as the love I have for my loving wife. He can't be a companion like my loving wife is/was. I hope you have more "support" than I have in your grieving process because it is and will be important. Without this forum/site I don't know if I would be where I am now but I don't know where I am going either. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: I just don't know how much more I can handle. Yes I am stronger than I thought I was because otherwise I would be dead or in an institute for the people who have lost touch with "reality" . John9: Good afternoon, John! Sorry to hear you're Sunday morning has been another tough one. I understand what you mean by not knowing how much more you can handle. Seems every time I say that I get hit with more to deal with. I don't know how we're suppose to look at the glass half full when all we have right now is pain and more pain. It's probably the one consistent thing in my life right now. I try not to predict it but sometimes I wonder if thinking that it's going to get worse actually makes it worse. I try distractions but they only last a short while and then another wave of sorrow pulls me back out into the "ocean of pain". But I don't think we've lost touch with reality. This is all too real. I feel as tho I am just along for the ride now...waiting for the ride to stop and let me off. I think things will get better but since we don't have a crystal ball, we don't know when. So I'm just riding with it for now and try to do what I can in-between my own crying sessions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 5 hours ago, Malisacher said: The only thing keeping me going is our son he is 15 and special needs so I get out of bed for him ….I think if I didn’t have him I might of died of a broken heart . Malisacher: That's what I'm afraid of...that I will die of a broken heart. This pain is just so heavy, so great. Fortunately, I have a new friend who is an angel. She saved me from having to go live on the streets. I also have my 2 cats. I'm glad you have your son. We have to hug them and hang on tight to what we have and to what still matters to us. It's obviously not our time yet so we've got to figure this out somehow and from what I gather from reading on this site, it's going to take a long while. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 3, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 23 hours ago, tnd said: I learned that some of the paperwork to be processed for my Widows Benefits hadn't even been sent to my doctors. WHAT?!!! I knew the doctors hadn't filled it out but did not realize the &%$*% Soc. Sec. office had not even SENT it out!!! I cannot understand people, let alone this system we are stuck with. I don't think you guys need to worry about being "stuck" as you're not far along in your journey to be considered stuck. It's much too soon for that. And you both keep trying, what more can one do! John, I love the t-shirt, perfectly fitting. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 14 hours ago, John9 said: Maybe nothing is real anymore I don't know. Hi @John9 this struck a chord with me. Just wanted to tell you that I feel similar. Most days - maybe all days actually -- I feel like I'm watching a character (that would be ME) in a terribly sad movie with no happy ending. Like I'm disconnected from my physical body just slightly. I'm not talking about an out-of-body experience or astral projection or anything like that, just the feeling that "nobody is quite home." I don't feel grounded most of the time. This grief is really messing with my head. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Jemiga70, I have felt like this "life" now that my loving wife died is a really bad low budget movie that because of all of the losses I have had in the last almost 2 years people "watching" it would be screaming at the screen saying "come on give the guy a break" like there is no way any ONE person could have all of that bad luck. It must be a bad dream or a nightmare sequence in the movie and he is going to wake up any minute now. I have always had "issues" with thoughts and it is something I had mostly under control with the help of my loving wife and her unconditional love too. Now it is worse because I don't have her and I don't really have anyone who can totally understand what I mean when I say how much I miss her. Yes the people here understand in their own way but it still isn't quite the same, "we" all miss our loved ones but I really NEED my loving wife and I am so tired and just want it to end. I hate waking up "ALIVE" because this is not any kind of life and definitely not the one I/we wanted. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 4, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 When I was 14 (nearly 15) my older sister Donna (age 25) and sister Peggy (23) had a car accident, Peggy was driving, they'd had a drink and it was raining hard and the sun was in their eyes as they crested to top of 30th Street Freeway, Eugene. September 17, 1967. Donna's three year old, Jimmy, was killed. Peggy sustained brain injuries that left he with no equilibrium. Donna also sustained brain injuries that left her quadriplegic...when they did the emergency tracheotomy, they butchered her vocal chords, those would become her hardest injuries to live with, without the ability to communicate or eat without choking, life is challenging. At least Joni Erickson Tada has her voice. Donna's 4 month old baby, Mick, got a mere scratch on the head. My parents and I, and my five year old sister Julie were about 1/2 hour behind them. As we approached the accident, traffic was backed up a mile or two. We thought "poor people" as we all do, and said a prayer for them....then we got closer. The first thing we saw was the baby bed. Flashing lights. The mangled blue volkswagen station wagon. Cops. A mangled truck. My mom ran out of our car screaming hysterically! My dad ran after her. The cops told her one of them had died, would not say which one. My parents dropped me off at home to look after Julie and they went to the hospital. Donna and Peggy were both in comas. Hours later they came back and said Jimmy died instantly. My life was forever changed, all of ours were. Donna's fiance took one look at her, was never seen again. She was in a coma for 4 1/2 month, Peggy 2 1/2 weeks. Peggy sounded like a blithering idiot for some time, scared us to death. The years that followed were hard, I no longer was allowed school activities, then my dad forbade me to go to church, my life revolved around taking care of Donna and the younger ones. I didn't mind the adult responsibilities, I was needed, but the abuse I got from my mom was horrific. My dad drank. Life went on to get harder and harder, I married at 17, he turned out to be highly abusive and a cheater/liar. He was schizophrenic, something I didn't know what that was at that young age, but I quickly learned. He beat my baby out of me at 4 1/2 months. After six years of marriage I barely escaped with my life, no thanks to the police, lawyers, DA, etc. I learned you have to take care of yourself, no one else will. I lost not only my nephew but later lost a niece (Julie's child) nearly two. She was born without a brain. I lost a cousin, my dad, grandparents, had miscarriages, aunts, uncles, friends, pets, but it hit me hardest when I lost my husband, barely 51. From that moment on it seems I've had one loss after another, many more pets, friends, my mom, sister Donna. And now I'm losing my sister Peggy to dementia. Does life ever give us a break? It does some people, me, no, it has not. The hits have escalated as I've aged. I don't ask what's next, instead I live by the verse, "Do not worry about tomorrow...each day has enough worries of its own." True enough. I take one day at a time, it's enough, I can't think about the whole "rest of my life," it's too much. I have not seen life getting easier, it continues with hardship and struggles, but somehow I weather them. God gives me strength that is not my own. He's been there every step of the way. I am so glad I had that all too brief period of time in the middle of my life with George, the only one who ever truly loved me reciprocally, we had such love, I'm glad I got to have it for even a time, for it has to sustain me now...I have the memories, fragments of a time and place...the most caring man the world ever knew. We are more resilient than we think, our strength is greater than we ever knew...if we but exercise our inner muscles. Life gives us the opportunity, that's for sure. If we have but a tiny grain of faith the size of a mustard seed...hold onto it.. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 KayC, Thank you for "sharing" your story and as I had mentioned before, I too have had many deaths and have managed to "survive" them. The difference is/was the didn't HIT me like my loving wife's death did. I have accepted that LIFE is and never will be FAIR for all, but this is by far the worst and hardest thing I have been through and I am a barely functional "person" at this stage and I HATE it. There are and always will be some "expected" deaths and then the out of the blue deaths too, but the issues I am having are the "compounded" ones, I don't think that at this stage of "our" lives I would have ever been ready for my loving wife to die even IF we knew she was sick AND dying. But to have her death happen when all of the other ones were happening is I'm sorry to say over the top and by far too much. I know I am still alive because I am "strong" and/or God has a plan for me or.....I agree that the future is something I can't think about because I can barely make it through "today". I have said it before I am a REALIST, I have always looked at information to make a decision and based things off that, BUT now it is just so hard to get out of my thoughts and find any hope. I am "glad" you have found and are able to hold onto Faith and that is a good thing. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Diane R. E. Posted October 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Kay and John9; I know life is not always fair, but geese, the two of you have experienced the most unfair losses I could ever imagine. In fact, I can't even imagine it! I am so very, very sorry and I wish there was something to ease the pain. Wednesday will be the one year mark of my husband's passing and it is the hardest thing I've ever been through, just like everyone else on this forum. Kay, how you have endured all the pain of losses and all your physical injuries is beyond me. John9, I wish we could just lie down and will ourselves to die, but so far that hasn't happened. I do wish you and everyone else that some small measure of comfort will come your way. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Diane R.E., I thank you for your "wishes" for comfort and I hope for comfort for you as well especially since you mention Wednesday being the anniversary of your husband passing. I don't know why death isn't here for me yet maybe that is my "punishment" to go through this day after day with no end in sight. This just isn't what it should have been for any of us and it just makes no sense to me. I accept that I will always mourn for my loving wife and right now I am completely lost and feel so useless and broken AND tired of it all. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 14 hours ago, Jemiga70 said: I'm not talking about an out-of-body experience or astral projection or anything like that, just the feeling that "nobody is quite home." I don't feel grounded most of the time. This grief is really messing with my head. Jemiga70: You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel as tho I've gone mad or asleep and not waking up. I suppose this will pass once I get a few things straightened out in my life but right now everything is sending me off into a bad place. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 4 hours ago, KayC said: The hits have escalated as I've aged. I don't ask what's next, instead I live by the verse, "Do not worry about tomorrow...each day has enough worries of its own." True enough. I take one day at a time, it's enough, I can't think about the whole "rest of my life," it's too much. KayC: Whoa! You certainly have been through a lot. No wonder you are able to help us on here, you have experience. And lots of it. I've always thought of myself as being strong and when needed, one of the most patient people in the world. But these last several years have worn me out and now I am down to the nub. If being sick and losing my husband wasn't bad enough, I've lost my home, some of my most personal and treasured belongings and living in someone else's home in a way much different than what I am use to or even how I want. And I am only 57. I often think that I won't make it to 70 and admit, I kind of hope I don't. I can't keep taking hits. I try not to worry about tomorrow but I do out of fear now. Thanks for posting that verse. I think of what-all you've been through and pray for that kind of strength. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 20 hours ago, John9 said: the didn't HIT me like my loving wife's death did. Exactly! And my dog Arlie felt like losing George all over again, although it didn't hit on so many levels, naturally, but he was my companion day in, day out for 10 1/2 years, my perfect dog for me, I can't even think about the day I lose Kodie. But they definitely hit harder than the others that weren't in my life every moment, every day. And I don't think every spousal loss is the same, if I'd lost my kids' dad (married 23 years) it would not have been the same as we were not close or in love. George was my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, everything to me! 18 hours ago, tnd said: You certainly have been through a lot. I didn't share the half of it, the abuse I went through, the bad marriages, the mother I had, going through her dementia, my dad's drinking. I wondered why God saddled me with such parents, but you know, He used even that in molding me and making me who I am. You have been through more than your share lately, and I pray you get some good news for a change and can see a glimmer of light... 20 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: Wednesday will be the one year mark of my husband's passing My heart goes out to you as you face this. For me, the day of death was not as bad as the anticipation of it, I hope that will be true for you. Having some kind of plan as to how you will spend the day can help but often we're at a loss as to how. Some want to spend time with a friend, some prefer to be alone, I'm sure you've given it some thought...the important thing is to honor yourself by remembering him in YOUR way. (((hugs))) Personally, I think you deserve a trophy for making it one year, that's how I viewed it when I went through mine. Anniversary of a Loved One's Death Anniversary of Death Anniversary of death tips 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 KayC, I agree that not every spouse death will hit or hurt the one left behind as much as "mine" does and yours as well as the people who post here on this forum. That is really the reason we are here isn't it because it hurts so bad and we LOVE(D) them so much that the pain is unbearable and in my case it feels so torturous for many reasons but of course also because I am dealing with too much for one person without the support of the person who was ALWAYS there to support me when I needed it. Nothing I am going through would bother me IF my loving wife hadn't died because it was all expected and she would be here and we wouldn't have to worry about whatever was happening or not happening because honestly there is nothing that matters about it. But now that my loving wife died I just don't want our son to have to deal with all of these messes and I don't want anyone taking advantage of him because this is all completely "new" to him and mostly to me also but I have done it 36 years ago so it isn't totally new just different but all alone it just sucks so much and it is SOOOOOOOOO slow. Maybe this is why I am not dead yet, I don't know it is just making me crazier than I was before. I used to say I was CRAZY but I'm not STUPID, now I'm CRAZY/STUPID because I can't even think anymore as nothing makes the least bit of sense to me and I was the one people would ask for "help" and when I need it nobody "cares". 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post annie123 Posted October 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 Oct 10 will be 1 year that my wonderful husband passed. I miss him every single day. He was the best thing that ever happened to me!! He was a gift in my life for 45 years . I will honor him on that day, by going to the place that he really loved. Our summer trailer in Maryland. It is so peaceful there and he loved it so much. It is tough being there without him, but I know it would make him smile!!!! 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 annie123, I "hope" that by doing what he enjoyed it will bring you some peace in your life and your grief journey. I understand in my way how you miss him and I "only" had 35 years with my loving wife but I do in fact miss her more and more each day and wonder how much more I can take without her here with me physically. I talk and I tell her how much I LOVE her and MISS her but without her sweet voice answering me it just isn't the same. I hope she is with me on this very painful journey I am on, but also I want her to be at peace too. These are part of the many things that tear me up daily. 1 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted October 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: . . . I can't even think anymore as nothing makes the least bit of sense to me . . . . John9, I can't tell you how many times I said that exact phrase, but it was a lot of times! I really could not make sense of the world. People would talk to me, and it just sounded like nonsense words. I would speak sentences, but they were meaningless. I look back at it now and consider it to have been like a brain injury (though I have never had a brain injury, so who knows if it is similar). But my brain just could not figure out how the world was still turning. My husband died in March. A few months later, a co-worker of mine nicely offered for me to join her family for a fourth of July gathering. I honestly couldn't understand how there could be a 4th of July celebration. How I could participate in such a thing? My world was in shambles, but there was all this clanging going on around me as if the world still existed. I couldn't reconcile those two truths. All I can say John9 is that you are not alone in feeling like you can't make sense of the world. Grief does really mess with your mind sometimes. Gail 4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 Gail 8588, The comment you made about "celebrating" is ONE of the reasons I am dreading the Holidays, I don't want to be around people who are happy and bring them down and I have never been good at hiding my "feelings". I did many things for my loving wife that I didn't want to do including being around some of her "family" when I didn't want to and now I couldn't if my life depended on it and maybe it does. I just know that however this "works" out it will be ALONE because even our son is dreading the Holidays and he HAS friends but they are getting "tired" of his grief. And of course he has the recent death of his Grandmother to add to it so he has a right to be SAD and still grieving and I surely don't want to add to that but it is out of my hands and only God knows what is in store for me. I don't like this and I am trying to "survive" it but it is by far the hardest and worse thing I have ever been through AND the longest too. Maybe this is part of the problem I have always just forced my grief down and never let it out because it wasn't "what real men do" I don't know I just know I am so tired of all of it and it hurts so much. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post LMR Posted October 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 6 hours ago, John9 said: now I'm CRAZY/STUPID because I can't even think anymore as nothing makes the least bit of sense to me It is exactly the same for me, nothing makes any sense. Part of the "fog" is the moving but I hardly remember anything I wonder if I emptied a particular cupboard and then I find something I know we kept in there so I must have done it but I have absolutely zero memory of it. My brain just doesn't function right anymore. I used up every ounce of sense I had trying to figure out where he had gone, how to get him back, how to save him. I don't have any to spare on the day to day stuff. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 5, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 LMR, I "get it" and I was better when I was focused on MIL and now without her, right now it doesn't seem like there is anything that I am in control of. I am in a "holding" pattern with all of the legal stuff with my friend and my MIL hasn't even started yet and the stresses of that is not what I "need". It is just more on my overloaded plate and I hear the plate "cracking". Or it is my head exploding and my skull is cracking. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted October 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 2 hours ago, John9 said: Maybe this is part of the problem I have always just forced my grief down and never let it out because it wasn't "what real men do" You know John, I don't care what others think about me grieving. I read your posts and trust me, I see how much pain you're in, and I relate to that because I also have a lot of pain every single day. You have a right to grieve and show it, because losing your wife and me losing my wife, it is only natural to express these emotions. All I can say is that it's not easy being without my wife, it's still surreal and the realization hits me like a train at times. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 Sparky1, Thank you for the comments and yes most of the time it hits like a train. It actually feels like it is happening in slow motion over and over again. The weight is so "crushing" of this endless grief and torture. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted October 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 12 hours ago, KayC said: Having some kind of plan as to how you will spend the day can help but often we're at a loss as to how. Thank you Kay, for your response to the one year mark of my husband's passing on Wednesday. I am actually in the middle of driving to Texas to attend his brother-in-law's memorial service and burial. So I will be on the road for most of the day and then alone in a hotel room. But it is giving me much time to think and reflect. It's super hard because today was the 26 year mark of my sister's husband's passing. and the recent deaths of my husband's brother-in-law, my cousin's husband, and my sister's friend. October has not been kind ... 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 6, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 22 hours ago, John9 said: I used to say I was CRAZY but I'm not STUPID, now I'm CRAZY/STUPID because I can't even think anymore No you are not crazy or stupid, but I get the not thinking part, grief does that, that's why they call it grief brain, brain fog, widow's brain, no matter what you call it, it's the same thing, it clouds up our brain and makes it hard to think. Pain/trauma can do that too. 22 hours ago, annie123 said: Oct 10 will be 1 year that my wonderful husband passed. I miss him every single day. He was the best thing that ever happened to me!! He was a gift in my life for 45 years . I will honor him on that day, by going to the place that he really loved. Our summer trailer in Maryland. It is so peaceful there and he loved it so much. It is tough being there without him, but I know it would make him smile!!!! I'm glad you have a "plan" in place for how to handle the day...45 years is a long time, I WISH we'd had that long, but be that as it may, we all wish for more time, no matter how long or brief was our time together. There is no amount of time that would have been long enough. I just want to feel his arms around me one more time! Hear his voice one more time! Stroke that little lock of hair on his forehead one more time. Kiss his face one more time. Cook for him one more time. Cuddle with him one more time. One more drive together. One more time to go to church together and hold hands. It's never enough. Annie, four more days and you too deserve a trophy for surviving the first "year without" no easy feat. 17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I look back at it now and consider it to have been like a brain injury (though I have never had a brain injury, so who knows if it is similar) That's the closest thing I can equate it to, both of my sisters had brain injuries, it's hard to overcome, no coming back from completely, both left with severe repercussions, I thought of this article...Brain Injury comparatively 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 12 hours ago, Diane R. E. said: October has not been kind ... Diane R.E., I am so sorry that "we" have to go through so much and sometimes too much too soon. I will add to the comment that in my case 2020/2021 has not been kind to "me" and sadly it isn't "over" yet. I know the comments about not being given more than we can handle and the fact we are alive must be partially true, BUT I don't feel alive and I don't feel like it is a life either. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 1 hour ago, KayC said: There is no amount of time that would have been long enough. KayC, I totally agree and I "know" if we made it to the stage of my loving wife's Grandparents (60+) and didn't die "together" I would still hate it. There is no reasoning that will justify it to me and I know I have to accept that this is where I am but.....It just rattles around in my head along with too many other things and the only thing that helps is "venting" or questioning here on this forum, so that is what I do. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted October 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 On 10/4/2021 at 10:28 PM, KayC said: We are more resilient than we think, our strength is greater than we ever knew...if we but exercise our inner muscles. @KayC All I can say is thank you for sharing your story and for these words I have quoted above. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 23 hours ago, John9 said: I don't want to be around people who are happy and bring them down John9: I have also learned (the hard way) about this. And being down or not smiling or sounding positive got me into trouble. So now I am going to fake my smiles and laughter. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 5 hours ago, John9 said: I know the comments about not being given more than we can handle and the fact we are alive must be partially true, BUT I don't feel alive and I don't feel like it is a life either. John9: From what I understand, God doesn't punish us or give us any more than we can handle. Okay, I believe that because I believe in God. But I still don't know why we are going through this torture. You describe your pain and not just having feelings of sorrow. You have physical pain. I do too. I understand. It's others who haven't gone through what we are that don't. And unfortunately, no matter how it's explained or described to them, they just don't get it. I'd say I have no quality of life. Just suffering. Every aspect of my life has been affected by the loss of my husband. My life is in shambles and I'm not to cry, complain or be negative. Okay, so I won't...but on the inside I am. I have to learn how to hide it now just to survive. Just to have somewhere to lay my head at night. But once I get my own place... 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 40 minutes ago, tnd said: My life is in shambles and I'm not to cry, complain or be negative. Okay, so I won't...but on the inside I am. I have to learn how to hide it now just to survive. Just to have somewhere to lay my head at night. But once I get my own place... tnd, I don't know why you aren't "allowed" to be in grief, but I do understand that people HATE being around sadness. I know that in the grand scheme of things I am lucky in the fact I can and do cry when I want or need to. I don't think I would be at the stage I am if I couldn't do that. The pain you refer to is very real and in my case I believe it is my "normal" pains compounded by and with the stress I am going through and it is probably the same with you too. I know that the body creates or increases the "compounds" in our bodies and with the constant stress levels I am going through it isn't good. I am speaking of myself but have no proof of this except for what I believe is cause and effect. I'm grieving and my pains are worse. This may or may not be totally true but I don't think I'm wrong either. All we can do is all we can do, one day or one step at a time and hope for the best. I am trying but it is so hard without my loving wife with me as I know it is hard without your husband with you, but if they were here we wouldn't be on this forum. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 8 minutes ago, John9 said: I know that the body creates or increases the "compounds" in our bodies and with the constant stress levels I am going through it isn't good. John9: Stress of any kind causes inflammation, thus more pain. I remember my doctor telling me to keep my stress level down (because of the Sarcoidosis). I almost have to laugh at that...if he only knew. But yes, stress wreaks havoc on our bodies and brains. And obviously unless someone has been through it themselves, they look at us as a big downer and an endless source of negativity. Can't say I blame them, I don't like myself right now either. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 tnd, I understand that people don't want to "deal" with our grief but part of the problem is that they don't want to HELP us deal with our grief. It would be wonderful IF grief was ONLY for a set time and "we" were done but as I said it took me 35 years of LOVE to get to where I was when my loving wife died and I can't "get over" that in any quick timeframe. I will always grieve for her and I may never be able to function as I did before she died and I am not sure I want to. I don't know anything about the future and how I am going to be at that point. I can only keep trying to do my best at the moment. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2021 1 minute ago, John9 said: I understand that people don't want to "deal" with our grief but part of the problem is that they don't want to HELP us deal with our grief. John9: And some think they know how you should and should not handle your grief. Doesn't mean they are right or know a thing at all about it. But I am just going to smile now and nod my head and agree. Whatever I have to do to survive and not be kicked curbside. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 7, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 17 hours ago, tnd said: From what I understand, God doesn't punish us or give us any more than we can handle. People stop too short of that or misunderstand where this came from. This sheds more light on the original passage: https://www.insightforliving.ca/read/articles/god-will-never-give-you-more-you-can-handle What this shows me is that we need to turn to HIM for strength, it's also been pointed out to me that He is not the one doling out the suffering/burdens, but He's there for us to lean on iin them. It does NOT mean WE are all capable! Clearly some things do crush us...their deaths being at the top of the list. If we could handle this so easily, why do so many commit suicide from the crushing blow of loss or pain?! In early grief it is hard to see ANYTHING! We might feel angry that God "did this to us." Did He? There are many theological slants on this ranging from we all have an appointed time to die to the Devil is in charge right now. We aren't up to theological arguments at this stage, we are under the crushing blow of loss and it doesn't take much to make us want to "curse God and die!" as Job's loved ones told him. The harder thing to do is bear up under the weight of what we're going through (like Job did) and it's okay to vent (as Job did to God), it's all a part of our turning to Him in our need. God reminds us (as He did to Job) of who He is and He is there for us. It took me a while. The first year of grief I FELT God was a million miles away! I'd always been an avid pray-er, yet then in my need I felt my prayers bounced off the wall of heaven! When the dust settled, I finally realized God was here with me all the time, it was ME that couldn't see through my thick fog of grief! This is normal in grief. Rather than trying to figure it out or understand it, let it just be, it's a developing path, or as they say on the news, a developing story. This is an evolving journey. You are right where you can be expected to be in yours. Much love and hugs to each of you, I care about you all. 2 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 7, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 KayC, Once again I will thank you for the "insight" and the help. I have stated before that "we" have the "footprints in the sand" hanging and my loving wife had angels and such on the walls too. It isn't that so much that I am being "punished" it FEELS as if I am being punished and tortured. I do believe in God even though I do not follow "organized" religion. I just can't see this as part of a "better" life for us especially me. Please do not think that I am questioning or think that I know more than God, I am saying as I have before it doesn't make any sense to me. I hope one day to be able to receive the "answer" and be able to re-unite with my loving wife (soon). Until then I am here until I am not and I will try to make it through. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 7, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: What this shows me is that we need to turn to HIM for strength, it's also been pointed out to me that He is not the one doling out the suffering/burdens, but He's there for us to lean on iin them. It does NOT mean WE are all capable! KayC: Thank you, KayC. I pray and talk to God every day. I give Him my troubles and ask for strength, guidance and courage. And now I've begun praying that He help others to be patient with me and to at least understand that although my husband died 4 months ago, it feels like yesterday to me. Doesn't mean I will stay stuck in this "rut" as it's been called but I know it is going to take me a long while before I can move forward. If having to suddenly deal with his death, filing for benefits so I can survive, being homeless and living in someone else's house whom I hardly know with people whose culture and lifestyle is very different from mine and planning every move I make so I can breath with this lung disease while tethered to an oxygen machine is not considered a form of "moving forward", then I don't know what is. But I get it, people think I'm not moving forward because I'm not laughing or smiling or doing normal things like they do and instead, cry a lot. I understand where they are coming from so why can't they understand where I am coming from and that grief is the hardest thing to live with. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 7, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2021 2 hours ago, tnd said: But I get it, people think I'm not moving forward because I'm not laughing or smiling or doing normal things like they do and instead, cry a lot. I understand where they are coming from so why can't they understand where I am coming from and that grief is the hardest thing to live with. tnd, I truly "hope" that the ones who don't understand NEVER have to go through this kind of grief because that is not how people should learn to be helpful or patient with "us". Unfortunately without that revelation they will never get it and we are all stuck in the way that we have to deal with our grieving process. I am sorry but to me it feels "weird" for me to pray to God to ask his help so others will understand my grief and I haven't done that yet but I am not even sure how to pray correctly. I am only able to barely to attempt outside activities but I find I have very little patience and it is all I can do to keep it together. I went to get my flu shot today and there was a problem with my insurance card, the first time I have tried to use it since my wife died (they sent new cards) and it took a long time to "resolve" the issue and then I was supposed to have an appointment but the time came and went and it was another 20 minutes after the time before I received the shot but they weren't busy. Luckily I got there 35 minutes early so they could call about the issue and I didn't have to rush back to the house for any reason which was always the reason I couldn't do this type of errand without someone watching MIL. I still am a wreck by the time I get back to the house because everything still feels so wrong and off. Coming into the house with no dogs barking, no wife to greet me, no MIL sitting on the couch it is just wrong and it isn't supposed to be like this. Sorry but this is how I feel right now. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members John9 Posted October 8, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2021 So, it's a rainy Friday morning and of course that just makes things so much better. As I have said many times weekends were ours and the loneliness of a rainy day just makes it so much worse today. I hate this so much and I don't know what to do to break this pain cycle. I am trying different ways but nothing is working and I know as long as I keep trying it is "good" but the failure is not helping me to feel better about things. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 8, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 8, 2021 On 10/7/2021 at 8:03 AM, John9 said: it doesn't make any sense to me. Of course it doesn't, it doesn't to ANY of us! I doubt any of us would agree with what has happened to us... "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 On 10/7/2021 at 8:03 AM, John9 said: t FEELS as if I am being punished Oh I know the FEELING! But I've learned feelings are not a good barometer of anything, but mostly something to contend with. I have to deal with my feelings as they affect me, but I don't have to be led by them or give them undue creedence. Sometimes they are formidable foes though! On 10/7/2021 at 8:03 AM, John9 said: I do believe in God even though I do not follow "organized" religion. I don't look at organized religion as anything to place stock in, more important what we know to be true in our hearts, so even though I go to church, I don't judge others for not, that's up to them whether they see any value in it or not. What is essential is what we hold true in our hearts and lives. 22 hours ago, tnd said: Doesn't mean I will stay stuck in this "rut" as it's been called but I know it is going to take me a long while before I can move forward. I wouldn't call four months into loss as deep as this as a "rut!" There has not been sufficient time as to be considered "stuck!" People just have no understanding or comprehension. My neighbor seems to think you lose your spouse and move on! OMG is HE in for a rude awakening someday...esp. as his wife has cancer in the lymph nodes and breast and opted not to treat it all these months...I hope to God their future looks better than what I fear... 19 hours ago, John9 said: Sorry but this is how I feel right now. Then that is what you should write here, you are authentic with it. No need to ever apologize! Getting through this is the hardest thing in the world. 40 minutes ago, John9 said: the failure is not helping me to feel better about things. II would never call an attempt a failure. We can't ever progress without attempts, Lord knows how many times we must try before it takes! You don't strike me as a failure at all! 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2021 9 hours ago, John9 said: I hate this so much and I don't know what to do to break this pain cycle. I am trying different ways but nothing is working John9: Give yourself kudos for trying. Your attempts at trying I am sure, take a lot to do. So trying is doing something and that is what you are able to do right now. I've had to learn to think that way since living with Sarcoidosis. Guess now I've got to apply it to grief while still trying to have a life. The doctor told me to take baby steps...so I'm taking even smaller steps with my grief. Quiet rainy days don't help but I wouldn't mind the quietness right now. 1 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post John9 Posted October 9, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 9, 2021 It is another "Sadderday" and once again it is very hard without my loving wife here with me. I had a very bad night last night with what I believe were bad dreams but I don't really remember the details, I just woke up sad a few times in the night. I also had extra pains last night and was very "hot". So needless to say I didn't get much sleep. I don't like this constant cycle of being tired and angry and frustrated and sad and.....I am so sad when I can't even escape my pain and suffering even in my dreams or sleep, I hate so much that I am still alive when I wake up and "realize" that this isn't a dream and I have to keep going through all of this all ALONE again and again until I finally do die. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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