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My Heart Is Broken


greg981

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I lost my wife, the mother of my children and the grandmother of my 2 granchildren on November 12 of this year. Miji had been sick since 2003. She was diagnosed with colon cancer then, went through a major surgery which also caused a stroke, but survived and beat the cancer. She was always in pain though because of the stroke. Then in November of 2006 she found she needed a triple bypass. She came through this with flying colors too. Before she as even healed from the heart surgery, she was again diagnosed with cancer of the uterus. Another major surgery in May, but this time, they didn't get all of the cancer. She had an inoperable tumor and passd away after several months of pain. I am so lost, I can't describe my feelings. If you have lost a spouse, you probably know the felings. I feel guilty smiling. I don't want to be away from home. I cry at the drop of a hat. No sleep and don't feel like eating but I know I have to. My friends and family say things that don't make me feel better, but worse. The standard "she isn't suffering anymore", "you have to be strong", "life goes on" etc. I am not angry with them because they do not know what I am feeling. There are many times that I just wish I was with her. I know this is not healthy, but I can't help it. It hasn't even been a month, but I feel my whole world is gone and there isn't any reason for me to be here anymore. I am hoping that what I am reading about things getting better is true. I don't know how long I can take this pain. I know I am not unique, but this experience is unique to me and it is the worst time in my 57 years of life. Any advice from someone who has been through this is welcomed. Thanks for listening. 

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Dear greg981, I wanted you to know I read your post.  I feel so bad for you this morning.  My husband died a little over 2 years ago.  I can remember the pain and the blackness of the first months and I remember how I thought it would never end and how could I keep living with so much pain.  There are no answers to these questions.  All you can do is take 1 minute  at a time.  Cry, scream, beat a pillow, anything to help you release all of the emotions.  I know I journaled alot and cried constantly.  I have 2 sons still at home, so I had to carry on for them.  To say it was difficult is a gross understatement, but I did do it.  It is good to post here.  In the early months I did not know about this place, but when I found it I discovered a safe place to speak my feelings to others who felt like me.  It takes such a long time to feel something like "normal" again.  For me, it started like a dark screen began lifting from my vision.  Slowly, slowly the darkness started to fade. I believe that seeing a counselor and taking medication is what helped me the most.   I want you to know how far I have come in my grief journey.  I have "healed" so much that I  have accepted a ring from a very special man.  I will never stop loving my husband.  He is a part of me and his death has made me who I am today.  I dream of him often and they are the sweetest dreams ever.  I could not do that in the beginning.  It was to painful.  Now, they just prove to me how much we did love each other and what  a gift we had.  I wish you strength and courage to get through to the other side of grief.

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Dear Sidvis, thank you so much for the encouragement. I think this is what I need to hear. I just want to know that I will heal someday and I think you proved it can and will happen eventually. I guess for now, I will get some help with counseling and see my doctor for some meds and see if it will ease it a bit and help me start functioning again. I am sorry for the loss of your husband and very happy for you in finding a new companion. You're right...your husband will always be a part of you as will my wife. I'm sure he would have wanted you to go on with your life and not spend it grieving. As soon as I can begin to mend this hole in my soul, I'm hoping it will feel better.

Thank you for the kind and caring words and I wish the best for you and your family.

Warmest Regards

Greg

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Greg, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died in July 2006 and I thought my world had ended and there would never be anything interesting or happy again. I still have a ways to go but I am much better than I was a year ago. He was ill and in and out of hospitals for the last 5 years of his life. He had nonhodgkins lymphoma and then lung complications from chemo. He spent the last 6 weeks of his life lying flat on his back gasping for every breath even with 10 liters of oxygen. It was really hard because I wanted the suffering to end but didn't want to lose him. So many conflicted feelings and then when it's over so much emptiness. Hang in there (sometimes you have to grit your teeth HARD) and we'll all help as much as we can. Mary Jo

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Mary Jo...it is very comforting to hear from someone who has been through this. I'm very sorry about your husband and I'm glad you are coming around. I am really glad I found this forum to talk to people who understand. Thanks for the kind words and I'm going to start gritting my teeth...but not yet. Pretty soon though. I also thought I would be relieved when my wife's suffering was over, but that was not the case. No matter how much you think you are prepared, it still hits you between the eyes. Thanks again for the kind words and God Bless.

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Greg I am sorry about your wife. I lost my husband October 12 of this year, Yeah it seems so long ago but only 8 weeks. He was diagnosed on Feb 1 of this year with renal cell carcoma they removed his right kidney on April 11 was told they got all of it. He went back to work full time June 1, he was a police officer. In June, July and August I had him in the  er for pain in the right arm and the back, they did xrays and could not find anything just gave him pain meds and sent us home. The last day of August I had to convince them to do a bone scan and the day after Labor day we found out the cancer had went into his bones. It was in the right upper arm, right jaw, left orbit area, and on his spin. There was nothing we or they could do he started radiation treatments he had 6 and on the last day that he was able to get a treatment the Dr told me if he was to stop for having to go into the hospital he would give him 2 weeks he  lasted 3 weeks.

He had to have surgery for a broken arm that he got while he was in the hospital because he triped and fell on the arm with the cancer it was bad. All he kept telling me was that he wanted to come home. after the 2 weks in the hospital I was able to get him home he lasted one week with us here and it was the hardest week and also the best  week that I ever spent with him.

Yeah the last 8 weeks have been some of the worst weeks I have spent but just the past one I had a really long talk with him and told him everthing that I ever wanted to tell him, no the pain is not all gone but my heart feels a little bit lighter and I am not sitting around crying all the time I still have my moments. Some day I will see him again and we will pick up where we left off but until then I will work through all of this and do what I think he wants me to do. Yeah some day it will get eaiser don't know when but today I feel just a little better than yesterday and tommorrow I hope a little better than today. But yes it will take time and you have every right to take as long as you need to grive for your wife and don't let anyone take that away from you that is your right . I hope you have a good day today and I will say a prayer for you.

Lela

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Lela, I too am sorry to hear about your husband. That was exactly 1 month earlier than my wife. I too talked to my wife beforehand and found some peace in the fact she said she was ready to "go home" as she put it. I guess I was not ready. I appreciate you responding to this posting. As I have said in other replies, it helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as I am. I can just hope and pray that I can get some sense of normalcy back in the future. Right now, I am not seeing or feeling that. I am just taking everyone's word that things will get better. Take care of yourself and thanks for chatting with me.

Greg

 

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Greg, I am glad you found this board. It helps as much as anything can. It saved me many times last winter from total devastation. I used to go way back and read posts and see how gradually people came through. I hung on to the ones that said there was light at the end of the tunnel, hope at the end of despair etc. I just wanted the pain to end.

You are so early in the grief process, it's hard to even imagine that will be true but a little at a time it gets better and each day is one more step to that hope even if it seems like you are going backwards or sideways instead of forward. Cry if you need to, try to ignore the people who are giving you advice and saying those words you don't need to hear. They mean well but unless they have been through this, they don't have a clue.

There are different edges to grief. Sudden deaths have to be horribly hard to accept. All I know is when someone you love so much has been ill for a long time and the total focus of your life, not only do you miss them, you have a huge void where all the caregiving was. Does that make sense?

I talk out loud to my husband all the time and it seems to help. Sometimes I hear his voice answering - the gals on this board assured me I was not going crazy. He will always be a huge part of me that will never change no matter what happens the rest of my life. I cling to that thought and now that the memories are not so painful, it brings me comfort.

Do something nice for yourself this weekend even if it's difficult!  Mary Jo

 

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Greg, I'm sorry for your loss too.  It's been sixteen months since my partner, Ishaq, crossed over. 

I'll repeat what I've said on the other boards, that my spiritual teacher told me  - try your best to make no changes in your life for one full walk around the sun, one full year.  The grieving process can will take as much time as it takes, but these words were good for me to hear.  I didn't get rid of anything of Ishaq's, except for passing on certain items to his family and friends.  I left his clothes in the closet and his underwear in the drawer for over a year.  I was comforted by their presence. 

I truly believe that when we leave our bodies, we only change form.  Ishaq has been with me often over these months, in dreams and in showing me signs like leaving me feathers or signs with animals and birds.  The signs we get from our beloveds may be very subtle, and may have meaning only to us. 

The main thing is - don't let other people tell you how you are supposed to grieve.  It's different for each of us.  I stopped seeing the people who were trying to get me to do things differently than I felt was right for me.  It's amazing how people think they know what's best for you sometimes, even when they have never lost their partner!  I have found that has the months have gone on, the pain has become more bearable, but there is always a hole in my heart.  That hole will always be there for me, but I'm learning how to be with Ishaq still, in new ways, and continue my own walk.

I wrote this poem for Ishaq a couple of weeks ago - I'll put it here and hope it brings you comfort, because our beloveds really are as close to us as one breath:

I breathe, and I am aware of you

Only a breath away from me

It takes just one breath

  for us change form

Here now, I breathe, and I am aware

  of all I have now

  of all I have lost

I feel my heart, my bones, my muscles

All which will pass someday

Into ash

Into dust.

Here now, I breathe and I am aware

      of my own mortality

When my own heart stops

      and I am with you again.

And always,

Always…

I am aware that we are joined by our hearts

     by our love

And the knowledge that you are only

     one

    breath

        away.

Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

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Mary Jo, I'm glad I found this board too. I am finding it hard to find anything that is fun right now. I think it is too soon. Everyday is a challenge to get through. I went to my company Christmas party last night and just sat there like a zombie. Everyone was having fun drinking and eating and I was in a trance. I just wanted to go home. I wasn't even going to go, but I got pressured into it by my co-workers. I guess they thought it would make me feel better. I guess as time goes on, I will snap out of this depression, but right now it looks like no light at the end of the tunnel. I too talk to my wife all the time. I hope she can hear me. I miss her so much, I can't imagine the pain subsiding. These damn weekends are killing me. Take care and thanks for all your support.

 

Greg

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Anna, that poem is simply beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss.. It took me quite some time to read it through the tears. That is just how I feel. My wife's things are still where they were and they seem sacred to me. It is a duel edged sword though because everytime I look at something, I break down. I admire your strength and inner peace wth you loss. I too have a lot of people telling me what is best for me. If you see my earlier post, I was pushed to go to this work Christmas party and it did nothing more than to make me feel more empty. It is so comforting to know that there are people like you to talk to. People who are compassionate and have walked the same path...for truly, no one can know until they have walked it. The friends are well meaning, but they rate very low on the relief scale. I feel the large hole you mentioned and it is a very painful hole. I am searching so hard for one of those signs to ease the pain and just know she is here with me. Please take care and God Bless You...

Greg 

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I still have many of Rod's things even after 17 months. I have gradually moved them all into a walk in closet. I go in there, hold his wallet, hug his clothes or put his slippers on. At first I could hardly bear to open the door but now it's become a special place....even if it is to sit and cry. I don't think it's strange or maudlin. I just feel the need to have something material to touch and hold onto some days.

Of all the stupid things, I find his red bandanas a comfort. I'm always sticking one in my pocket when I go for evening walks with the dog and I keep a couple in the jeep. They're old and soft and great when I need to wipe tears away or blow my nose and they were such a part of him. He always had one with him. We left a strip of one in the Black Hills at a prayer site for Native Americans where the trees and bushes are full of pieces of red cloth.  The rest of that one I have put away with other special momentos. Funny how something so small means so much. MJ

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I hear you loud and clear MJ. I have special things that I have trouble looking at, but with time I'm sure they will be very special to me. Just like my Dad's fishing cap that I have had since he passed away in 1998. My Mom passed away in May of this year and it's going to be very hard going through her things. We have her home up for sale, but we are all avoiding going through her clothes and personal items. To hard right now. Where are you from?  I live right outside of Chicago in the northwest suburbs. Cold and nasty here for the past few days. I'm sticking to the indoors unless I absolutely have to go out.

Talk to you soon and have a nice weekend ,Greg

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I live in northwest Iowa where it is also cold, icy and snowy. Today wasn't too bad.  Took the dog for a long walk at the park and then went out to the cemetery and brushed the snow off Rod's stone although I couldn't get the ice off. Maybe the sun will take care of it. Had  a few tears at the park. It's always hard when I go past the place Rod used to wait for us...no van, no one waving at me. He didn't have enough breathing capacity to walk very far but he liked to go out and watch.

Weekends can be rough although they're better this winter than last. It took me a long time to sit downstairs and watch tv again. That recliner is so empty. But I'm down here quite a bit now. this fall I rearranged some furniture, put a few new things up and made it more my space. I'm over the guilty feeling for changing things around the house and now can think of it as mine rather than ours. It took awhile.

Hope your week goes well! Mary Jo

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Greg, I was wondering where Bartlett was...I was born in Decatur, and we used to come back sometimes to see my Grandma.  Used to have a big family reunion every summer.  It was always so hot and humid!

Hope you are doing ok today - the weekends were hard for me too in the beginning - since Ishaq was home on the weekends and that's when we'd go off to the mountains or rivers and the ocean and do our special trips.  It's gotten easier, but I still miss sitting here watching football with him.  Yep, I'm one of those rare women that love to watch football.  And he and I would yell at the games and have a lot of fun.

Take care,

Blessings,

Anna

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Greg I to understand about the things that ment alot to them. My husband worked as a police officer for over 25 years and the last job he had before he passed away I held on to that uniform for 2 months before I turned it in and that was so hard to do I wanted that to stay with me just to remember him by.

But I had to after 2 weeks take is clothes out of our closet and put them in another one I could not go in there at all with his things hanging there and him not here. I still have all of his things just not in our closet.

At first when he got sick and was put in the hospital the only way I could look at it was he is just working midnights and I will see him in the morning(he wouldn't let me  stay all night with him) but after he passed the first few weeks have been rough to get to sleep now I try to stay up as late as I can so I get so tired that I  go right to sleep when I get into bed.

Someday it will get eaisier not sure when and not sure how much but they say it does will just have to see.

Have a good nite and try to stay warm I am in the central part of Illinois near Springfield and we were without power last night for about 4 hours but they got it back up.

Lela

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MJ, I am pretty familiar with Iowa too. I used to work for Maytag which was based in Newton. Veeeery cold there in winter. LOL. I haven't been to the cemetary in a few days since the weather got bad. It is hard to go right now. This has been one of my worst weekends since she's gone. I don't know why, but it just is. I spent most of today just going in and out of napping with the puppy. I feel guilty, but I find that this is what I have to do when it gets so bad. I just woke up from a 3 pm nap. I never do that. I can't believe I slept for 4 hours. I fee like I wasted away the whole day. Hope you have a good week. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for keeping in touch...Greg

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Anna, Bartlett borders Elgin. I'm not sure if you know that area. I am about 25 miles northwest of Chicago. When we moved out here, it was just farms and horse stables. Now, lots of people...sometimes too crowded. I have been to Decatur once. It is pretty far from here. I know a lot of women who like football now. I am one of those rare men who was never a big football fan and used to be embarrased when people would ask me "what did you think of the game" LOL...but , as I was mentioning, this has been one of my worst weekends since Miji left me. I'm not sure if it's because of the cold gloomy weather, the holiday season or the rough Christmas party yesterday. Maybe all of the above. I know one thing for sure...I wasted the whole day crying and sleeping. I feel more guilty for the new puppy I have. He is supposed to be playing and having fun and he slept with me all day on the couch. I'll have to try to stay up extra late tonight to make up for it. I feel so bad for you when you miss all those things that you and Ishaq treasured. I can feel your pain too. This is so hard...take care of yourself and please keep in touch. It feels really good talking to nice people like you.

Greg

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Lela, thanks for writing back. How did you lose your power? Was it from an ice storm? That is rough especially in the winter when you need your furnace. You were mentioning the clothes and seeing them. I am having that problem too. My daughter is going to come and spend a day helping me move everything to another part of the house. I don't want to remove anything at this point, maybe just put them somewhere so I don't see them every day. It hurts too much.

Talking to all of you really helps though. We are all going through the same thing and can relate. I also see that many of the feelings I am having are the same as everyone else facing a loss in their life. You please take care of yourself and try to have a good week. I hope we can stay in touch. Good hearing from you. I learned a new sign for the computer ((((((Lela)))))). Thats hugs. Did you ever go to a site called www.groww.com? They have a great chat room where you can talk to others with the same feelings. I spent a couple of hours there today and I really enjoyed talking to these people. They also have a nightly chat room for people who have lost spouses. Sort of cyber group therapy. I may try it this evening to help pass the time.

Greg

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Greg, I student taught in Newton back in 1972. It was cold and snowy that winter, too. Always had trouble starting the old chevy. I have college friends who live there now. He is a band teacher.

It's ok to nap...like you said somedays that's how you get through it. I have a scottish terrier that keeps me up and out whether I want to be or not. She was probably the true love of Rod's life. Always teased him I would not go out in a boat with him and the dog because if it tipped, I would drown while he was towing Niki to shore. I love her but somedays.......she was so spoiled by having him with her all day, she now goes to a neighbor's (senior citizen who loves having her for company) while I'm at work.

It sounds like you are really trying to face your grief. I think that is the key. Don't rush. Take is as you have to because if you try to move through it too fast, it will come back and hit you later. It hurts and hurts and hurts but you have to go through it and not avoid it. My cousin lost his wife of 30+ yrs. to breast cancer three years ago. He told me he thought when he hit the first anniversary he would be "done" but he found out the hard way that isn't so. Then he told me to take the time it takes. Everyone moves at their own pace. Mine might be a little faster than some due to life experiences with a divorce 24 yrs. ago and the fact Rod and I were only married 14 years without children in common and not so many years of memories.

I think I will have a decent week. Computer problems at work were solved on Friday and I have a new employee hired to fill in while a staff member has chemo. That should help the extra hours I've been putting in. Hope yours is ok, too. Mary Jo

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They had a sub station in Farmersville that blew a transformer so they had to work on that I am not sure if the ice caused it or not but we sure do have alot of ice here.

Yeah moving his things to another room has helped alot the stuff is not gone but at least I can go to the closet with out having a break down everytime I went in there.

My husband had a thing for the hawiian looking shirts he had alot of them, so our youngest son took a few that fit him we went out last night and he wore one. He looked so much like his dad in it I had to  hold back the tears but I told him he looked nice in it.

Like I said no one can tell u how long to grive or how to do it only you can know what is best for you. I know I have had severly friends say I know what your going through and they have no idea they have never lost a spouce through death maybe divorce but not the way that I have. When I am ready to move on to other things I will no matter how long it takes.

Hugs to you to Gregg and thanks for the web site will check it out tomorrow

Lela

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Lela, I have some people tell me they know what I'm going through too, then quickly back up and say they have no idea of what I'm going through. At least they are recognizing that this pain is unique. I like tropical shirts too...what a coincidence. I think it's great that your son took and uses some of them. That must be hard and comforting a the same time. Sounds like you are handling things very well. My hat is off to you. Try to keep warm and stay positive. Maybe I will see you in the chat room for widows / widowers tonight. I think it is from 7-11 (eastern time) every night. I went there last night for almost 2 hours chatting with people who DO know what we are going through and are very compassionate. It was comforting. www.beyondindigo.com Talk to you soon, Greg

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Greg, Lela and all in the midwest, I hope you are all doing ok - I heard on the radio there is a major ice storm and 400,000 houses without power. 

Today my friend Bob is coming over with his truck so I can get my tree.  He has been a great friend through all this - Ishaq and I used to do retreats out at his land in Lorane,OR, and I'm good friends with him and his girlfriend, and his ex-wife,who was one of Ishaq's Sufi students.  He offered to come by and help with house stuff that I might need, like hauling or picking things up or installing things.  It's nice to have a guy that I can feel totally safe with, no expectations or wierd stuff since he has a great girlfriend. 

I went to the store and got all blue LED lights, the slightly larger ones. Ishaq always wanted to have the bigger ones, but they worried me because they got too hot, but these are cool to the touch.  So I'll have my blue Christmas tree, with all our old ornaments. 

Did anyone watch that show last night "For One More Day?".  I thought it was pretty good.

Blessings,

Anna

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Anna it is pretty icy here. We lost power on Friday night thankfuly it was back on in 5 hours so far everything is goin ok. I have alot of tree limbs down but thankfully not on the house. It's cold and foggy out now but not to bad. I like to have my front door open so I can see out but today I have had to keep it closed see what happens later this week.

Lela

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Anna, we are ok so far, but they are saying that there will be an ice storm starting at midnight and going until the following midnight. I think I will stay in the house. I really hate winter !!! It's nice to look at from a distance LOL. I didn't see that program. What network or cabe channel was it on? Maybe they will play it again. 

Enjoy the blue tree. I'll bet that will look really pretty.

Keep safe and healthy

Greg

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The show was on ABC, it was based on Mitch Albons book about a man who wants to end his life and is granted one more day with his mother who died nine years before.  I thought they did a pretty good job with it.

I've got my tree up and decorated, and tied to the wall with wire so it won't fall over when the youngest cat tries to climb it!  It's a bush by my beloved Ishaq's standards - he always wanted a BIG tree!  His last tree, at his dad's place in PA in 2005, was 16 feet tall, I couldn't believe they got it through the door!  Here's a picture of him with the tree, standing on the stairs going to the upstairs room to decorate it:

Blessings,

Anna

IshaqatChristmas.jpg

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It's raining / freezing right now and yucky outside. The weather people were right for a change. It seems they are right when it's bad news more than nice weather. I used to be glued to the weather channel when I was going on a motorcycle trip and more often than not, they were wrong and I got wet LOL.

I am going to see if they are going to play that show again Anna. Maybe I will read the book. I have those feelings sometimes myself sometimes and it scares me. I'm glad you got your tree up. I have never seen a Christmas tree that big. It's so nice that you have so many photos of Ishaq. I have many photos of Miji and myself and family too but I can't look at them right now. It hurts too much. I hope I will get to that stage someday. No Christmas this year for me. I can't do it. Maybe next year. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season Anna...Take Care and God Bless

Greg

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Greg all it is doing here so far is foggy and rain hopefully it will not freeze. Hope all is going well with u today. Me I am just tired today could not sleep last night was up till 3 this morning then slept till 10.

Becareful and stay warm talk to u later

Lela

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Lela, I seem to be having trouble sleeping every night. I am falling asleep by 8 and up at midnight. Then I fall back arout 2 and sleep till 3. I'm all screwed up. The weather here is awful....rain and sleet at times and really depressing. Stay warm and healthy and hope you start sleeping better. I am really hating this feeling. Like a zombie.

I guess I will just stay in and keep warm. Will need to see the doctor about the bad sleep habits, but I'm not too fond of them right now either.

Talk to you soon

Greg

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Greg, not sleeping is normal this early on.  I didn't sleep normally for months.  I don't like to do drugs or see doctors, and I do a lot of natural stuff.  Two things that helped me a lot were taking melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid and non-addictive.  Also a homeopathic one called "Quietude", by Boiron.  Both are widely available at health food stores, and also online at places like drugstore.com

I noticed that neither of these interfere with dreaming either, which is important to me since that is how Ishaq and I often communicate now.

Here's a Christmas card from me to you'all on this board - this is Mckenzie, who is my youngest kitty:

Blessings,

Anna

MckenzieXmassquaresmaller.jpg

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Anna, if you notice the time of this post...I am going to try the sleep aids you suggested. I really do not like doctors or drugs. Thanks for the Christmas card. Mckinzie is adorable. My kids persuaded me to get a puppy to help keep me busy since our Mindy died a little over a year ago. She was our baby and lived to be 18. I had 2 other Cairn terriers before her..I adopted Arnie and he is a sweetheart. He's only 3 months old and he's a lifesaver. I know Miji would have loved him so much.

Below is my card to you. 

Take care and thanks for your support...you a truly a very nice person

 

post-18876-128153886208_thumb.jpg

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Anna & Greg,

Isn't it amazing how much comfort a pet can be? Your Christmas cards were great. I am more of a dog person but I enjoy my daughter's kitties, too. She has a gray one (very sedate) and an orange one (wild and crazy) and when they come to my house it gets a little nuts. I will have to find a picture of Niki to post!

Sleeping....I'm not sure what a normal night's sleep would be like. I've always been a night owl and it's gotten worse since Rod died. Hard to go to bed by myself (although there's always the dog) and sometimes still very hard to wake up and face the day knowing he won't be in it. Sunday night I was doing dishes at 3 am. I've seen both of you on board late at night too. They say as you get older you don't need as much sleep. I hope that's true....otherwise I will need to find a night job.

We missed the worst of this last storm with just a little light snow. The sun is actually shining today and I'm hoping the stars will be out tonight. Always do better under those conditions. Hope you both have a nice day.

Mary Jo

 

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Greg, Arnie is really cute!  And your card is lovely.  I am definately a cat person though.  I have three - the other two are Akbar (I posted an Akbar Xmas card on the "I Miss Him So..." board) and Sita, who is 18 1/2 years old. She can be a problem cat, but we're managing. Akbar is the cat Ishaq and I got together, and Akbar would sit on his lap every morning before work while he had his coffee and breakfast. 

Mckenzie felt like a gift from Ishaq - even before he passed.  She showed up in our backyard the week before he crossed over.  I saw this adorable kitten, and her mother, who was a tailless cat, in the yard, someone had dumped them here.  I told him I wanted to adopt them.  It didn't work with the mom, she was too hostile to the other cats, but she lives outside and catches mice.  After Ishaq passed and things had settled down with trips and all, I started working on taming Mckenzie who was pretty wild.  It took months but I finally got her to trust me enough to come in the house, then I locked her in and worked with her some more, and now she is quite the little house cat, sleeping on the bed all day.  She is still a great mouser.  And Ishaq and I had been talking about getting another cat, and he wanted a grey tabby.  It seemed to my that she was a gift to help keep me going those first few months.

I've become more of a late night person too, usually I don't go to sleep until between 11:30 and midnight and I used to be in bed by 10 or so.  Ishaq was the night owl. 

It's still grey and cold today.  I'm going to visit a friend today who is doing chemo, but it's a light kind of chemo, it doesn't make him sick or loose his hair.  He's one of my Native American friends and guides on the Red Road path, also was a Sufi student of Ishaq's.

Hope you all have a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

Ishaqbeardjpegsmaller-1.jpg

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Yes, Mary Jo...the sleep is a real problem for me. I am on this new routine where I can't keep my eyes open after about 7pm. Then I doze off and am wide awake at midnight. Anna recommended some natural sleep aids that I am going to try.  

Miji and I were talking about getting another puppy before she got really sick. I am so glad I adopted Arnie. He is a handful, but it is nice to have another living creature in this house. He makes me laugh which I haven't done in a long time and I have someone to care for. It doesn't seem as lonely as it was before I got him. Pets are amazing therapy. I was asked to be a foster parent for other Cairns by this group and I may do that once I feel more comfortable. Right now, Arnie keeps me busy enough. I hope you find that picture and post it.

Hope you have a good week

Talk to you soon and happy dreams....

Greg

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Thanks Anna..he is a cutie. I like cats too, but I never had one. My brother and sister both have them and they love them a lot. I guess I have just always been a dog person and also birds. I used to raise umbrella cockatoos and blue front amazon parrots.. They are just a little too messy for me now though. Actually, I love all animals. Wish I had my own ark LOL. I have to settle for one now though.

I have to ask you what Sufi is. I seen you mention that in another post. I know you lived in Decatur at one time, but I don't think you mentioned where you are now, but I'm guessing the northwest part of the country. Or, maybe the southwest like Arizona or New Mexico. Am I close?

Thanks for sharing the pics. I really enjoy seeing them.

Have a blessed day

Greg 

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Greg, I'm in Eugene, Oregon.  I was born in Decatur, but only lived there the first six months of my life, then my parents moved to San Francisco, CA.

You asked about Sufi and Sufism...there are actually a lot of Sufi orders in the world.  Ishaq was Sheikh in two - one, the Mevlevi Order, which you might know as the Whirling Dervishes, who do a ceremony every year on the anniversary of the passing of Rumi, the great mystical poet.  Ishaq was also a Sheikh in the Sufi Ruhaniat order, which I belong to as well.  It's hard to put it into a short paragraph, but the path of Sufism I follow honors all religious traditions and paths; we do a lot with sound and music, sacred chanting and singing, a lot of it in the Arabic language, and breath practices.  The man who first brought this path to the west was Hazrat Inayat Khan, a teacher and musician from India.   Also one of his students, Samuel L. Lewis, who created and taught the Dances of Universal Peace, which are simple dances done to chants and songs from all the worlds different religions.  So that's kind of it, in a nutshell! 

It gets dark so early here now!  The stores are just nuts right now, I was glad to get home.  I think I'm done with stores, I've gotten all the presents I had to buy, now I just need to mail them, which I can do from home Priority Mail, Yay!

Hope you are all doing well tonight,

Blessings,

Anna

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Sleep these days is not coming to easy I find myself up untill 4 in the morning sometimes the past few days all I have done is cry or sleep in the daytime. Right now I just don't know what i am supposed to be doing with all the new stuff that I found about my mind just won't turn off anymore. It's been 2 months today that he left me and I feel worse now than I did then.

Start my job tomorrow night maybe I will come home ready to sleep hoe so anyway!

Have a good night and stay warm talk to you all later!

Lela

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Lela, it's been one month yesterday for me. I feel the same way you do. I thought it was supposed to get easier, but it seems worse. As you can see , it's about 2:30 am and I'm wide awake. Sleep is lacking and don't even care about eating. I just do because I know I have to. I miss her so much as I'm sure you miss him. Please hang in there. Keep talking to people who share your pain and know that there are people who care. My mind is like a tornado right now so I know exactly what you mean. Hopefully, work will give you a little freedom to think about something else and even a little sleep. I feel for you, really. Did you try the site I mentioned earlier? I go to the chat rooms when I am really low and the people there make me feel much better. You don't have to join anything. Just show up and they let you in. www.groww.com

I really wish this site had a chat room. Take care and God Bless Lela

 

Greg

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Anna, I was close with the northwest.... I know what you mean about the stores being nuts. I won't go within 500 feet of a mall. I did all my holiday shopping on line this year. It is so much easier and I got everythng already.

After I read your post, I did a Google for Sufism and read about it some. Very interesting. I had never heard of it till now, but I see it is very widespread. I guess I have led a sheltered life..lol. I was just getting back into religion until this dark place in my life happened. I guess I'm not supposed to question it. Not sure what to think anymore. I'm very mixed up on my beliefs now. I was raised Catholic but fell away when my kids were born.

I hope all is well with you and take care of yourself. Good hearing from you

Greg 

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Greg I hope you are doing ok today! I just got home from work the first time I have worked in 2 years. It's not that I need to work he left me ok but I needed to get out of this house and it was the best thing I could of done for myself.

I have all of my presents bought and all but 2 wraped and under the tree. We had been doing Christmas shopping all year long so I guees that was a good thing so then I did not have to do it all by myself at the last minute like I usually do.

How is the weather up north not to bad here a little cold but at least the rain has stoped. I did get on that site you told me about the other night I kinda liked it was nice to get feed back right then and to know there are alot of us out there.

Well I am gonna try to get to sleep have to be back to work at 10 so I will talk to you later Have a Good day! Remember one day,one minute, one second and one holiday at a time!

Lela

 

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Lela, I guess OK is relative word. I'm breathing. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. Spent most of it crying. I don't know what happened, it just wasn't good. Hope you are doing ok. I am not even going to recognize the Holidays this year. I always send out cards and get  gifts for everyone, but I think they will understand that I'm not in the holiday mood this year. If they don't, I guess it's too bad. I will either go to my daughters or my sisters or both for Christmas day. Not sure yet. This is going to be a tough one, but I think you know that. I'm sure it is going to be tough for all of us in this situation. I got a Christmas card from a friend who fell through the cracks and was never told about Miji. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs and started the tears again. I have to call her today and let her know what happened and apologize for her not getting the word.

I just did shopping for my 2 grandsons. Christmas is so important for kids. As long as they are happy, I'm happy. I have to work for now, but it's really hard for me. I work from home and have no office to go to. It makes it really difficult for me. I get excited just going to the grocery store..lol. I hope today is better and I really hope you are doing ok. You sound like you are getting a handle on things.

Thanks for talking to me and God Bless

Greg

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Greg...so sorry you're having such a tough time. I know the feeling about the Christmas cards. It happened over & over to me last year. I sent out a letter after the new year telling everyone about Rod. This year the cards are addressed just to me but I'm amazed that there were no responses or at least a I'm sorry, Just the same old printed letters which I don't mind, but you'd think they could have least written a line. I'm really evaluating if I even care about staying in touch with some of them...mostly old college friends and former teaching buddies.

My brother works from home and he says the same thing about the grocery story. Somedays I think I would like that but I suppose being around people all the time has it's own healing merits. At least it's a distraction although lately it's been a pain in a well know area. I'm the director at our public library and the Internet service has been down. We are doing out best to get it fixed but there have been some delays. People can get so nasty and in turn that makes the staff crabby. So I took today off. I was overdue for one. Walked the dog around the small lake in our town this morning and it felt so good to be outside on a beautiful (if a little bit chilly) day. Bundled up it was fine.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us all better or zap us back a few years. Hope today is going a little better for you. Mary Jo

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Mary Jo...I hope you have a nice day off. I really appreciate your response and love hearing from you. You are a very kind person. Sounds nice to walk around the lake. Too cold here though.

I too have started to make a list in my mind of people I no longer wish to deal with. You find your real friends during times like this and sometimes people you thought were friends aren't so nice. I feel like I have leprosy. The silence is almost unbearable. I want to talk about it, but no one wants to listen. I guess they are afraid of me now or something.  Not sure what is going on but the suport is sure not there. That's ok, I came into this world alone and I can make it through this too (I hope). Maybe they should teach grieving in school so people know how to act. I'm sure I have been guilty of it myself.

I'm a little better today, but have had a few moments here and there. I just can't seem to accept the fact that my sweetheart isn't coming back. I'm tearing up right now after that last sentence. Sorry....I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead. I hope you have a wonderful weekend Mary Jo. Stay away from those nasty Christmas people who are running around being crabby LOL.

God Bless

Greg 

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Greg, I think people are afraid of the situation, not necessarily of us...it's like when one person I know tried to really push me about "you'll be with someone else again someday" I realized that it was coming out of her own stuff...like, if her husband died, she might end up alone without another person, so if I end up with someone else she might not be worried about it...I don't know, something like that.  I felt wierd after that, and she invites me to stuff at her house but I don't go...I have other friends who are on the same page as me about Ishaq, how present he is for us and all, and I talk to them.  I'm having dinner tonight with one of them...she called me last week all excited because she'd had her first dream with Ishaq since he passed.  I asked what she had dreamt and she said "I dreamt he came back, and we were trying to figure out how to tell everybody he was back!". 

I've been a bit up and down today myself, just trying to get things together for mailing and trying not to get upset by stuff in the news.  Someone broke into a Catholic Charities office and made off with presents for 40 needy families here in our area - it just blows me away that people do that.  But there are good things and good people out there too, I have to remember.

Anyway, let yourself cry all day when you need to!  It is certainly natural to feel the way you do right now.  I know it's hard too, to find out there are still people who don't know about your wife's passing.  I still occasionally have people come up and say "so, where's Ishaq tonight?" and then have to tell them.  During the summer, when I was at the festivals where we had played music, and was seeing people that I only see during that time, I made up little quarter page flyers and handed them out so I didn't have to tell his story over and over again, it was just too exhausting.

Take care of yourself,

Blessings,

Anna

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(((Greg))) i know what u mean by "friends" not coming around any more I have about 5 that I can count on no matter what time of day and the rest I don't care if I ever see them again.

I did do Christmas cards the first were really hard to write my name only on but then I did the rest and made it through. I was really content on just staying home and not working but the more I sit here alone all the time the more upset I became and yes the few friends that came around.. I was constently biting their heads off for no reason so going to work and getting out of this house seems to have help the past couple of days..tired right now but well see when it is time for bed.

Try to have a good night and talk to u again

Lela

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Greg hope u are doing ok? Haven't heard from u in a while. The snow has hit us really hard here today and it's still coming down. They decided not to open the club tomorrow so now I don't have to get out. My daughter in law just called have to take the grandson to town to the hospital he's 3 and his tummy hurst. So will talk to u later.

Lela

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Sorry Lela. I was under the weather Saturday and slept most of the day off and on. Feeling a little better now though. I will get to go out this morning and shovel snow...wealso got several inches.

I hope everything is Ok with your grandson. That sounds serious. Please let us know how he's doing. He will be in my prayers. God Bles

Greg

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Sorry for the delay Anna. I was kind of out of it Saturday. I agree with you that folks avoid because they don't know what to say. That's ok...just makes it more lonely on this end though. I have volunteered to help out at the nursing home my aunt lives in to help keep me busy so my first day is today. I'm going to bring Arnie and let him mingle with the seniors. They love having animals visit. It will be interesting, I'm sure. I haven't been there since before Miji passed and am long overdue.  

I am truly saddened to hear things like you wrote. People stealing from a charity. Stealing in general is ba, but from a charity at Christmas. Must have no concience at all. The world is getting scarrier and it's a shame.

Hope you are doing well, sounds like you are keeping yourself busy. At some stage, I hope I can do the same. Have a good weekend, Anna. Blessings to you and thanks for sharing.

Greg

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Hi Greg hoping u are feeling better today. The grandson is ok they said it was the flu. His was complaining his belly hurt and was throwing up. Wasn't running a fever so that was good and just couldn't keep anything down. He is doing better today.

I am baking today and cooking dinner for the kids haven't done any of this is awhile just felt like it today. The snow has stoped just can't get out and the sun is shinning.

Have a good rest of the weekend and I hope you are feeling better.

Lela

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Hi - I'm jealous of you all having snow!  We only get snow here very occasionally.

Glad you all are feeling better today...I was really low last night, and today it's better, I got out of the house for a while, and tomorrow a friend who is a massage therapist is giving me a massage for her Xmas present to me, so that will be nice!  Got the football games on, more for company since there aren't teams playing right now that I really care about, but Ishaq and I always had it on for background and it feels comfy still doing it.

Blessings,

Anna

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