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My Heart Is Broken


greg981

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Hi All, just a quick note to say Hi. The trip to the museum was really nice. Some sad moments because I saw reminders of times when Miji and I were together driving into the city. Even at the museum itself. I guess I am always going to see those things. Had to excuse myself a couple of times. All in all though, it was a good bonding day for me and grandsons. They really enjoyed it.

Laurie, you are so right...you are one of those 2 dear friends I mentioned in my last posting. Don't know what I would do without you. In fact, all of you. You seem to keep me going in the right direction.

Anna, stay warm...I'm glad you tried out GROWW...sometimes it gets really congested in there and hard for me to keep up...lol. Other times it can be comforting to talk to people like ourselves.

To all my new found friends....Laurie, Mary Jo, Anna, Carla and Lela...thanks for being there. Hope you are all well and hope to hear from you soon. Bless you and hugs from Chicago, Greg 

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Qubert, I've never contacted a medium, but I do have a friend that does readings.  I've always had pretty direct contact with Ishaq since he passed, with a lot of dream messages and communications, many of them what some would call "lucid" or "visitation" dreams.  I found the best way to get to that point was to ask him directly to come to me and tell me stuff.  Like I wanted to know what had stopped his heart, since we didn't have an autopsy done...in one dream he told me it was a blood clot.  I've been a vivid dreamer all my life so the dreams were a good way for him to tell me stuff.  Other people get other kinds of signs from their partners.  You might even ask him a question and wait to see if he sends you a sign or a dream.  If you do want to check out my friend's website it is

http://www.mysticmessenger.net/mm/

She has been a friend of mine for over twenty years and I totally trust her to be fair and responsible.  Again, she is not a medium persay...she does readings, but you could email her and ask her if she could help. 

Blessings,

Anna

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Hi all! We've gone from a sunshiny 47 degree day yesterday to a howling ground blizzard this morning to a wind chill of -27 tonight.  I suppose Chicago is getting this, too, Greg. Oh well, Febraury is short and March is considered a spring month. Ha! It will probably still be snowing in May the way things are going. Anyway, except for the weather I'm not too bad. I'm always grumpy when I can't be outside and I miss Rod and having the woodburner going (I don't mess with it) and cuddling on a cold night. The dog is willing but it just isn't the same. Hope you all are doing okay. Mary Jo

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MaryJo we started out nice sunny a little wind hi was around 60 and around 3:30 it droped to 20 started raining and stealing and then snow. It is really cold out the wind is still blowing.

The past couple of weeks have been a little rugh for me not sure as to why. I have been really tired alot just don't want  to do anything. Saturday the 2nd it will be one year that we found out he was sick and then 8 months later he was gone just  dosen't seem fair. I really miss him I just keep throwing mysefl into work just so that I don't have to be here alone. I am just not sure what to do anymore in a way I am getting tired of working but then I don't want to be here alone either. I just wish that I knew what Randy would want me to do.

Still waiting on the life insurance company and that just makes me upset when I call  to find out what is going on with the claim. Sat down today to try and get stuff ready for taxes not sure what I will be able to claim and what I won't yet. I miss the simple days again when things were so easy.

Well I think I am gonna try to go to bed have to get up early in the morning to go to work and have to make sure the car will start first. All of you that are in the cold spots try to  stay warm and all of you have a good day.

Thanks for listening Lela

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Lela, the first year is so confusing. They tell you not to make any drastic changes but sometimes it's hard to keep everything the same. Don't be too hard on yourself. You'll get it all figured out. Take care! Mary Jo

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Lela, I read your post and seen that all the emotions you are having are common among us who have lost a spouse. I almost mirror what you are experiencing. I feel like sleeping all the time, yet when I'm supposed to sleep I can't. I don't seem to want to  be bothered by work, but I know I have to work. Phone calls, letters and death certificates is the new norm. So confusing and so scary. Now, we have to make all these decisions and do all these things alone. What a change...our lives ARE different now no matter how we feel about it. It is not fun, but we have to admit that our lives are now different and try to rebuild them in order to survive and carry on. That is what our loved ones would have wanted for us.

I found personally that good friends in the same boat can be an immense help and comfort in times like this. I have found some really good friends through this journey and we talk every day for hours. We cry and laugh together. Before this, I would feel guilty even cracking a smile. It helps all of us and the bond is amazing. We can almost read each other's minds. This is the best medicine for me and I hope I help them too. They have pulled me out of my slump so many times I can't count them. Lela, I hope you find some peace down the road as I do for all of us. We are all hurting so much right now. We try to function yet something will always be missing.

Don't try to do this alone Lela....we need support and like Mary Jo says.....be kind to yourself. You have just taken a big shock. Things will get done in due time.   Stay warm and hope the spring will bring us some comfort. I got the same storm here in Chicago, but when I got up this morning, no snow on the ground??? Bonus I guess. Anyway, Lela....take care and write soon.....Hugs to you and God Bless, Greg

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Leah, Anna, Mary Jo , and all

Yesterday was the one month mark for me. I woke up was early and went through all of Bruce's papers trying to find a letter he wrote to me 10 years ago.  Leah I so understand about the insurance stuff. My husband and I thought we had it all together but I could write a book on things not to do.

I could not find his will so I was going to have to go to probate in Texas if you don't have a will his 2/3 of everything also belong to our sons.

Anna the feeling that I had when I got of of bed yesterday was to doing nothing but find the letter. My husband was a big hunter and it was the middle of the season when he died of that dam heart attack. Sooo hunting stuff unpacked. I pack up one on his trunks and went to move it, under it was a bankers box the only two things in the box were Navy papers with a picture of him surfing and the dam will. I sat with his stuff for hours a cried. I guess that was his way of saying I am still here to help you. I wrote your friend and am waiting for a reply so I can talk with her.

Leah I totally understand your feeling, I turned over my bussiness to another agent in my office because I don't want to leave my house as long as I am here I am ok.

My brain is not working correctly now. I can not seem to hold on to a simple task for more than a few mins without being distracted. All I think of is how to get through this one day and nothing else seems to matter.

However now that I found the will everything changes and I can start the process. I don't want to do that, but can not live until I do, for me and my boys ( they are 18 and 20). The company my husband work for are being great. Setting up college funds and taking care of our insurance for 3 years I guess I should think my lucky stars for that.

So today I will pull myself up and go see the attorney and CPA so I know were I stand. I never in a million years could I seen myself doing this. Now all my family and friends have gone home and it's just me. For the first 3 weeks my friend did everything. I miss her here with me now.

I truly want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Reading you postings everyday and knowing the pain you feel is the same as mine.

God Bless and keep you warm and safe.

Qugert By the way my name is Susan

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Susan,

How did your appointments go? All that business stuff can be overwhelming. I handled most of our financial stuff all along so I muddled through. Helped that my attorney is a long time friend.  Got my medical power of attorney changed to my kids, changed the will etc. It's hard to face doing all that. In my case I wanted to protect my kids from any problems with former stepkids. Hope you're doing okay with all of that. Somehow we do get through stuff even when it looks impossible. Take care.

Mary Jo

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My Heart Is Broken

Can/will our hearts completely heal?  I don't think so.  Its too much of me gone with him to ever feel complete again.   Maintain.  That is it!  I try to maintain.  Numb, bummed, wallowing in the unfairness of it all.  But, struggle just to maintain.

I did have 3 friends over tonight for supper.  Use to do things like that continually, now its hard to put 2 thoughts together much less figure out how to feed company.  That what I've wondered about the most; will my mind/brain ever function the way it use to?   I tell my kids (adults) when your dad died some of (alot)my brain cells went also. . .

Feb. 10th will be 19 months for me....  WoW-I guess at times I'm shocked I was able to live this far through the pain.  Alot of it was by the grace of God and a few widows I have found along my way that really are there for me.  over 37 years we were married,  Is there life without him?  No fun, I don't think.   No contentment like I use to have when we sat down after supper in the Living Room for our cup of coffee together,  Sometimes visiting, sometimes silent.   But it was the best thing ever and I'll never (we) have it again.   I'm rambling, aren't I?   I suppose I should just call it a day and go into that big bedroom alone, again.;   This is my first time in this section of Indigo, I usually spend most of my time here in "I Miss Him so...."

((Good night to all))  Have a great weekend, grannyCheryl   ^j^

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[user=18244]grannyc[/user] wrote:

My Heart Is Broken

Can/will our hearts completely heal?  I don't think so.  Its too much of me gone with him to ever feel complete again.   Maintain.  That is it!  I try to maintain.  Numb, bummed, wallowing in the unfairness of it all.  But, struggle just to maintain.

I did have 3 friends over tonight for supper.  Use to do things like that continually, now its hard to put 2 thoughts together much less figure out how to feed company.  That what I've wondered about the most; will my mind/brain ever function the way it use to?   I tell my kids (adults) when your dad died some of (alot)my brain cells went also. . .

Feb. 10th will be 19 months for me....  WoW-I guess at times I'm shocked I was able to live this far through the pain.  Alot of it was by the grace of God and a few widows I have found along my way that really are there for me.  over 37 years we were married,  Is there life without him?  No fun, I don't think.   No contentment like I use to have when we sat down after supper in the Living Room for our cup of coffee together,  Sometimes visiting, sometimes silent.   But it was the best thing ever and I'll never (we) have it again.   I'm rambling, aren't I?   I suppose I should just call it a day and go into that big bedroom alone, again.;   This is my first time in this section of Indigo, I usually spend most of my time here in "I Miss Him so...."

((Good night to all))  Have a great weekend, grannyCheryl   ^j^

Cheryl, thanks for visiting this post. I couldnt' have said it more eliquently....

My loss isn't even 3 months yet.  We were married for 38 years too. When someone who has been such a big part of our life leaves, a part of us leaves too...not to ever return. It's like losing a limb or all of limbs. Maintaining is such a good word. I don't think happiness or joy or even security will ever be in my vocabulary again. I may be wrong, but don't feel that way right now. People tell me in time we will come back. We can't ever come back without our loved one here by our side. All we have left is memories and we have to "maintain" until we join them.

My kids are grown and gone and have their own lives now. Though they try to comfort and support me, the silence now in our home is deafening. I have made it this far by meeting some wonderful friends through this site and another that have been my lifelines. We pull each other up when we fall and listen when one of us needs to talk, or cry or just vent. Don't know what I would do without them and all my friends here on this site. You aren't rambling Cheryl, we all like to talk about it. I'm so glad you shared. Please stay in touch and come back soon...have a peaceful weekend and hope to see you again....Greg (((((((((Cheryl))))))))))

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 Mary Jo,

The appointment went ok. Let me ask if you grown children are only going to stay with you for about 6 months before going back to college and you have a hard time tring to maintain the house and yard is it wrong to sell out before one year??? I am thing I do not want to stay in this city we have been here for 15 years but it was mostly for my husbands job. I am thinking about moving away but everyone said they think I am making a mistake. Have a great day

Susan

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Hi Susan,

Everything I've heard or read says to wait a year before making any big changes.

I did and then decided I wanted to stay in my home so refinanced and did a bunch of work...roof, windows etc. Rod and I were planning to do that the spring/summer before he died but didn't get to it. Right now I can maintain my style of living as I work full time (he was retired on social security) but I'm sure in 5-10 yrs. I'll be rethinking. I tell everyone I have to keep the house for the dog. But another consideration is having a place for my kids to stay when they come home even though they're settled other places now. Also, it was the only house Rod and I shared so I have a hard time thinking about giving it up.

I have a friend who made the decision to give up her house. She downsized big time and moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and is thrilled with not having yard work etc. We decided the difference was that she had lived in several houses with her husband and didn't have a huge attachment to hers. Also her 2 of 3 kids live in town so the other one has a place to stay.

The only fairly big thing I changed was trading vehicles 3 months after Rod died. Did a double trade and went down to one.

So I guess I wrote a lot and really didn't answer your question. Talk to your kids and see what they have to say. And don't make a quick decision. Hope this helps some.

Mary Jo

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Greg, Lela, Susan, Carla Maryjo and all...

Hey, how is everyone on this board doing?  I've been cleaning up the house... getting ready for some folks to come over for a Sufi evening.  It's the Urs, or anniversary of the passing, of our teacher Hazrat Inayat Khan, who first brought the teachings of the Sufism we follow in the 1920's.  I always think about his wife though too...how on this day everything changed for her, and her four children.  Inayat Khan was young, too, in his forties when he died.  I look at pictures of him and he looks a lot older. 

Blessings,

Anna

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Anna,

 I will talk with your friend tonight at 9PM my time. I am looking forward to it. I have been tring to keep busy cleaning house doing alot of cooking for these boys so they won't spend money eating out.. Today was an ok day looking forward to the conversation tonight will let you know how it goes.

God bless

Susan

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Anna thanks for asking about me. I guess I am doing ok. This past saturday was the first annivasary of the day we found out Randy was sick and that was a really hard day for me.

I had went out Friday night to the club I work at to listen to the band and I had a great time that night. I got out and danced talked to alot of people I hadn't seen in a while it was so nice to smile and laugh and forget things for the night. Then someone came up to me that hadn't been in town for awhile and asked that magic question? Where is Randy at tonight your not by yourself are you? well after that I had to go thruogh the whole story and the were so sorry they did not know. So then I started drinking wrong thing to do that only made it worse and then the band started playing the slow songs that we used to dance to and I had to go outside for awhile. The people I work for are the best bunch of people they came out when they saw me go out to make sure I was ok. Once I had my good cry I went back in and ended up staying till they closed. I had a good time and didn't feel guilty about it for the first time since he passed. Don't know if it was to soon or not but I sure felt good.

Then Saturday came I wanted to go to the cemetery before I went to work but couldn't get to it they had not plowed the drive. All I kept thinking a year ago is when we found out and he didn't even make it that year. But I know there are all of the first that I have to get through and only I can do it. Not sure how but so far I made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas and the day we found out he was sick.

But like I said before all I can do is ONE DAY AT A TIME and sometimes that is all I can do.

Talk to you all again soon Lela

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Hi all,

I'm doing ok. Slogging through each snowstorm as it comes. Winter can be such a downer...not as bad as last year but still tough. It's a busy time at work with budgets so I go home tired and then don't do much. No gumption. Need to get back to the pool and let the smell of chlorine liven me up. I always feel so good after swimming - it's getting there that's the hard part. Maybe tonight?? It's not quite so cold out.

Good for you Lela... a little step in finding that there's still some fun out there. Not as you would like it to be I know. It sounds like you have a great bunch of co-workers.

Mary Jo

 

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Today I went out and got my friend a "Happy End of Chemo cake to take to our Sufi class tonight.  Then I came home and worked in the garden until the rain started; it's warmer here now, and the rain felt very soft...like spring is truly on the way...I pruned and cleaned up the raspberries some more, and cut out more blackberries...potted up a couple of raspberry canes for a friend - they are taking over the vegetable garden.  I have to do my gardening in pieces now, as Ishaq used to do all the heavy  weeding and he'd get through it really fast...takes me longer now, but I enjoy it.   A friend told me I should hire a teenager to do it, but where's the fun in that?  It feels good to get all muddy and grubby out in the soil. 

It made a difference...I woke up feeling pretty down...really missing Ishaq, as it is coming up on our 12th year anniversary on February 18th. 

Hope everyone else is doing ok and having a peaceful week,

Blessings,

Anna

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Hi Anna, good to hear from you. Boy, that hint of spring sure sounds nice right about now. We are buried under snow again. Just stayin in the house. Miji was an avid gardener and our yard is full of beautiful perrenials. In the spring, I am going to go out and get it all back in shape with the help of my daughter....(i know nothing about gardens). I just like looking at them. That is what she would have wanted. It was her pride and joy. I'm afraid it will be very hard to be out there and I'm not looking forward to it. We spent many hours in the yard just enjoying the sites. Sorry you  woke up with the blues Anna...I can certainly understand why. It hasn't been 3 months yet for me and I seem to be like that every day.

Please take care and hope you are doing well....

Blessings to you

Greg

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Maryjo

things are going alittle bite better. The ones at work at the best. Alot of the friends that Randy and I had just don't come around alot anymore but my bosses have been there for me so much and help out anytime I need them. The are great!

I still am not sleeping alot at night I just got home from work and I am tired might just lay on the couch and do nothing tonight. Still fighting with the insurance company on the life insurance maybe someday soon. I am getting ready to move back to our home town next month and I have not even started to pack anything yet maybe this weekend.

Hope everyone is doing ok will talk to you all later.

Lela

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Hey, how's everyone doing with all that snow back east and in the midwest?

We've had sun in Oregon, I even planted pea, lettuce, radish and carrot seeds yesterday.

I'm doing ok..Monday will be my and Ishaq's 12th year anniversary...not sure what I'm going to do yet for it...

Blessings,

Anna

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We had a decent day today..almost 30 but not much sun. More snow & wind tomrrow after the 6.5 in. we got on Tuesday. This has been a looooonnnnngggg winter and people are getting crabby, me being one of them. But I know there are other places dealing with lots worse so will stop complaining for a few minutes. Valentine's day also makes me crabby so I suppose I could gripe about that instead. LOL.

I am taking Friday - Tuesday off. I had thought about a short trip somewhere but don't trust the weather. I have a stack of movies and books waiting so I will just stay tucked in.

I hope you do something nice for yourself on your anniversary Anna and celebrate the time you had together!

Mary Jo

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travelinglaurie

Hi everyone,

Yes Anna hope you do something nice for your anniv.  Mary jo you are right we could gripe about Valentines day.  I don't even want to turn radio or tv on.  It is all over the place.  Told my kids I don't want to even notice it.  Gave them their little treats ahead of time.  I am going to cemetary today though and let off a few balloons for my baby.  I might even buy him a lil nip for old times and pour it on him.  Who knows.

I do remember the snow and don't miss it at all.  Mary Jo that was a beautiful picture of you and Rod.  You need to put it back.  It was so nice to see a face with the name. 

To my Brother Greg, you are in my thoughts deeply on this day.  I hope you have had chin up.

Hugs to everyone, and talk to you soon,

Laurie

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Hey Laurie..wondered how you were doing. I don't seem to catch you at groww. All I can think about is this stupid weather...snow, wind, cold over and over. We haven't had a winter this bad since 2001 and I remember that one because Rod was sick and I was trying to housebreak a puppy. Valentine's day was a mess.

Greg, my friend...where are you and how are you doing?? You are also getting all of this endless winter. I think of you when I hear what's happening in Chicago.

And Anna... keep telling us about spring. It gives me hope that it will happen here too!

Mary Jo

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Yes, it's sunny here again!  Sorry so many of you are having bad weather.  My Sufi teacher said they still have a ton of snow, and they are about 2 hours away from me in the mountains.

Today we have our local "Asian Festival" which I may go to later...the one thing that I try to avoid is running into Ishaq's ex-girlfriend, who says really wierd and awful things about him (I ran into her several months after Ishaq died and she was saying things like how she used to have these visions of being pushed off a cliff and felt it was Ishaq doing that...she is really out there, and not someone I want to be around).  She usually goes to this, but the last time I saw here and just smiled and walked past, no interaction, so I'll just put up my "psychic shields" and hope for the best!

Weather is supposed to hold through Monday, so I'm holding to my plan to go up on the mountain and spread some of Ishaq's ashes there on our anniversary.

How is everyone else?  Many voices we haven't heard from in a while, let us know you are all ok!

Blessings,

Anna

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fRIENDS: hOW ARE ALL OF YOU DOING? I NOTICED THAT GREG HAS BEEN MISSING FOR SOME TIME AND I JUST HOPE AND PRAY THAT HE IS OKAY. I HAVE BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME LATELY AND I THINK PART OF IT IS THIS MISERABLE WEATHER WE ARE HAVING. EVEYRONE IN MY FAMILY HAS BEEN SICK. I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD WEEKEND. TTYL.............. CARLA

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I've had a couple of emails from Greg and he's like the rest of us...slogging through the winter and getting by a day at a time. Think he's doing as well as can be.

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Me too - I sent him a PM and he wrote back saying he was doing ok.  Sorry you are all still dealing with winter.  I don't want to rub it in, but we've had pretty nice weather out here - often it's cold and rainy here at this time of year, but the sun's been out and I've gone for some nice walks in the hills.  I went out yesterday for a while to a place where Ishaq and I had hiked a long time ago, just a creek at the south end of town.  The creek is running nice and full and it was so pretty and green there.  I remembered how we went on one of these south trails at this time of year, it was so muddy we kept slipping and sliding, and when we got back to the car Ishaq couldn't find his cell phone - we had to slog back out and see if he lost it when he slipped in the mud.  Turned out he'd left it at home all along!  

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

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Green grass....I am SO envious!! I watched part of a golf tournament on tv just to remember what it looked like. We had a nice melting weekend and I can see part of my sidewalk and almost all of my driveway again. I am really excited. Guess it doesn't take much these days.

Had a nice talk with an old friend on Saturday that lifted my spirits. She and I ran together after our divorces and remarried within 6 months of each other. She knew Rod well and it felt good to talk about him. laugh and remember some good times. We were at a funeral lunch at the same church where Rod's took place. I was asked to sit with and walk in with the family due to a library connection and it was hard being in that side room before the service and thinking about the day I was sitting there waiting for his to start. During the service I kept visualizing his funeral. So it was really a blessing to run into Lynn afterwards at the lunch.

February was a rough month - my kids call it Mom's February funk - because I do it almost every year, but the last two years have been the worst ever. I was very glad to see March 1. Maybe I can get my attitude adjusted again.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Mary Jo

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Nothing is comforting me this week. My husband's death date and birthday are this week. I am plunging into a nightmare black depression with no way out. My sister is having a relationship with one of his good friends so I am constantly reminded of their happiness and my loss. They both credit my husband for getting them together. My sister said I was lucky to have had him for so long. The time went by in a heartbeat. I am too grief stricken today to feel gratitude or see the sunshine. I don't think the nightmare of the death of a love ever ends. 

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Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

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The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947

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