My Heart Is Broken

[greg981]

Lela, Sunday was a little better. I went to the nursing home where my aunt resides and brought the puppy. All the residents had a great time. My sister and my daughter came over to visit, so the day passed quickly. No time to get sad. But Saturday was  killer. Cookies sound good...can you send me some?? LOL. Maybe I should try baking some. I made doggy treat cookies the other day and they came out good. Im a pretty good cook. Mostly Italian food though.

I'm glad it was nothing serious with the grandson. That's good news. Have a wonderful week, take care of yourself and stay in touch. ((((((Lela)))))

I like these little hugs !!!

Greg   

[greg981]

Hi Anna...thanks for getting back. I would love to send you ALL of our snow lol...Im quite tired of it now. I was out at 4:30 am snow blowing the driveway yesterday. I'll bet my neighbors weren't too happy but I had to go somewhere at 6.

I too have to either have the tv on or music playing all the time. The silence is deafening if I don't. I'm listening to oldies on the cable music channel right now as Im writing this.

I'm not a big football fan, but somethng has to be on or I go wacky. Hope you had a great weekend and good hearing from you. Stay healthy and happy

Take care (((((Anna)))))

Greg

[rodless]

Here's the picture of Niki. Could not figure out how to attach it so used the avatar.

Hope everyone is having better days. I have a lot going on this week so it's easier not to get mired down. Greg, I think the nursing home will be a good thing for you. Sometimes it helps to help others. Mary Jo

[carlac]

On July 7th 2007 I lost the love of my life and best friend to cancer. We would have been married for 36 years on November 26th. Paul was the most kind and loving husband and dad in the world. He adored our 5 grandchildren and they adored him.  I  heard about this web site from a great friend who also lost her spouse this year. Lela has  helped me get through some hard times because when she says she knows what I am going through she honestly does. I know we will get through this in time but right now it seems like the tears and heartache will never go away. I hope to make some new friends on this message board and I hope we can help each other.......Carla

[rodless]

Carla, my husband died July 7, 2006, just a year before yours. I am so sorry. This board helps as much as anything can. At least the people here understand especially on the really bad days. It does get a little better as time goes on. Having other people tell me that was all that got me through some days so I try to pass it on. Take care! Mary Jo

[greg981]

Mary Jo, he's adorable. Did you say he was a Scottish terrier? He almost likes like my Cairn. He's a real cutie. I hope you have a wonderful week. Keep yourself busy.

Thanks

Greg

[greg981]

Carla, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can say that I also know what you are going through. I still can't believe that my wife is gone. I cry at the drop of a hat and just seem to want to sleep to ease my mind. We have 2 grandsons and they were the love of her life. She talked to them on the phone every day and then gave me a full report when I got home from work. When I see them, it breaks my heart. I have found that talking to people really helps. I mean people who share the same kind of loss. The others have no idea what we are feeling and say and do dumb things sometimes. I hope I can be one of your friends. There is a website I go to every morning. it is called www.groww.com. There is a drop down arrow forchat rooms and there is one open 24 hours for grief in general. My screen name is GregB. The people are so supportive and you may actually even laugh at times which is rare now a days. I hope to see you in there some time. There are specialized chat rooms also such as "people who lost a spouse" where everyone is in the same boat. Those are at certain times like 7pm untill 11pm. It is all spelled out there. Again, I feel your pain and wish you the best. We will ALL make it through this terrible time. Please keep in touch.

God Bless and thanks for writing

Greg

[rodless]

Greg,

Niki's a purebred scottish terrier. She's a "black brindle" which means she has quite a bit of gray. It really shows after a cut. She was given to us by a family who bought her the day before Christmas as a present for their 2 yr. old. If you have a terrier, you know how bitey they are as puppies. It didn't work out so they started asking around for a "good family." My daughter called, I told her no, she asked to talk to Rod and the rest is history. He had just been out of the hospital (after 7 weeks in) for a month after his first go around with chemo problems, was on oxygen and very weak but he wanted her so much that I gave in. We picked her up Jan 8. She was 9 weeks old and a handful - both literally & figuratively. It was love at first sight and they were never separated unless he was in the hospital and then I smuggled her in for short visits. I even listed her in the obit. I remember standing outside with tears freezing on my face wondering if I could cope with a sick husband and a puppy that needed housebreaking, but I was never sorry. Niki gave Rod the impetus to get up and get going again because he wanted to walk her and play with her. It was tough but so totally worth it.

We had three fairly good years before he had to start chemo again. Niki had a bad time when Rod did his last 8 week stretch in the hospital so a senior citizen neighbor kept her so she didn't have to be in the kennel so much. Now Niki goes to "doggie daycare" at her house while I work. I pay her $100/month and she will keep her on weekends or evenings. Only a dog lover would understand this whole story!

Someone visiting a neighbor was walking a dog by last week and at first I thought it was a gray scottie but it turned out to be a cairn (named Scotty). They had rescued it from a guy who was going to shoot it after he got a pit bull. I don't even want to go there. I had never seen a purebred cairn...so cute and a great personality.

Boy, this got long - didn't mean to write a book but Niki is so much a part of Rod...someone told me to remember when I pet her that his hands used to stroke her too.

Hope your day was a good one. Sometime I'm going to try that chat. Take care! Mary Jo

 

[greg981]

Mary Jo...sorry it took so long to reply. I was out of pocket for a couple of days. Niki is beautiful. I was right about the breed. Pets are wonderful therapy for the sick and also for the grieving. That is a really nice photo of Rod and Niki. I have tons of pics of Miji and our dogs. She loved them so much. When Mindy died last year at 18, it was like losing one of our kids. We grieved a long time for her. In fact, we had her ashes in a beautiful silver box and it was buried with my wife. That was her wish. Mac, our male who died in 98 is waiting to go with me when its my turn.

Arnie is a bundle of Joy. Miji would have loved him so much. He's so cute. The people at the nursing home had such a good time with him on Sunday and he was a trooper. He let everyone hold him and he gave them lots of kisses. Such a good boy. I hope you have a nice weekend and especially a nice Holiday Mary Jo. I am dreading it myself but i'm sure I will get through it.

 

Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing....God Bless, Greg

[rodless]

Greg,

Nothing going on this weekend but house cleaning and a bath for the dog. My daughter is a youth minister and has some church obligations on Sunday and Monday morning, but she will be here for Christmas Eve. My son and his girlfriend will be coming late Christmas Day. He is a pastor so has church services to do. I took Wednesday-Friday off and we are all looking forward to time together. Someday it would be nice to have grandchildren to spoil but my kids seem to be taking their time and that's fine.

I hope your weekend will be okay. Stay busy and enjoy the small things if you can. Next year will be better but I know that's not much comfort when you're faced with this year right now. Take care...Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hi Greg, hope you are doing ok as Christmas gets closer.  I did a bit of a Solstice thing here alone last night, and thet felt good.  I also saw Ishaq's son and his son's wife for dinner here and we had a nice time together.  Now it's nasty and rainy and cold, I'm holing up for the day. 

Blessings,

Anna

[greg981]

Hi Anna...Im glad to hear from you. I was hoping you were ok. Sounds like you had a nice time and dinner. I guess it's best to try to keep busy with friends and family, but Im actually getting very nervous as the Holiday gets near. I'm having a really tough time.

I'm having my kids and grandkids over tomorrow for my birhday so hopefully I won't be in this funk. On Tuesday, I am supposed to go to dinner at my sister's house. I'm really anxious about the whole thing, but will give it a try. Please take good care of yourself and have a blessed Holiday Anna....

Hope we talk soon

Greg

[greg981]

Hi Mary Jo...sounds like you have it all planned out for the Holidays...I'm glad for you and hope you have a wonderful time with your family. I just gave the puppy a bath too and now the weather got wierd and all the snow is melting. That meas big mess outside and have to really watch when I let him out...LOL. So much for a clean pup.

Quiet weekend here too except for tomorrow when the kids and grand kids come over to my house. We will excange some gifts and celebrate a little early for the kids. My daughter has to go to the in laws on Christmas eve which is also my b-day. I am kind of worried about the holiday and wish it was over. Feeling pretty down all this week. As it gets closer...I am more down.

Gonna try to keep in touch with friends and family to get through it. If I don't hear from you before then, have a Wonderful Holiday...take care

Greg

[laquinn]

Greg this week has also been a  down week for me. I had a bad day on Monday was ok tue, wed, thur and then friday morning I woke up crying and cried until  I fell asleep around 2:30 this morning. I went to the cemetery before I went to work yesterday thinking if I went and talked to him I would be ok that didn't help was still crying when I got to work, they  all wanted to konw what was wrong and if I was ok . I lied told them I was alright just having a bad day.

Christmas this year is gonnabe so different without Randy here with me. Our youngest son is gonna take the gifts that I bought to the rest of the family I just can't do a family Christmas not this year.My boys and their families will be here Christmas eve and then I am staying home Christmas day just not looking forward to it. I used to love Christmas but not this year.

My dad's birthday was also on Christmas eve I lost him in May of 06.

I will be so glade when this is all over with and then maybe start getting myself back to normal not sure what that is but I will try.

Have a good weekend and holiday

Talk to you soon Lela

[greg981]

Lela, I'm so sorry for you. I can feel your pain as it seems our weeks were almost exactly the same. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I too am going to the cemetary but I know it is going to make me feel worse. I miss my wife so much, I just don't know how to handle it anymore. No where to turn.

I stopped really enjoying Christmas in 1998 when my Dad passed away on my birthday. This year is going to be unbearable. Seems like nothing makes you feel better. I just want it to be over. I'm going to be like a zombie since I can't sleep. I am going to just wish you a peaceful Christmas Lela since I'm feeling it won't be a merry one for either of us. Please hang in there and know that there are people out there going through the same pain. Please keep in touch and this holiday will pass soon. Maybe the next will be better. God Bless

hugs to you (((((((((Lela))))))) and take care

Greg 

[rodless]

Lela & Greg,

Just want to let you know I'm thinking about you both as you face the next few days. The first Christmas is really rough and it's coming so soon after your losses. The only thing I can think of to say that might help is that sometimes the anticiption is worse than the event itself. It won't be magically ok by next year but it will be easier to face. Even those of us who have been through this at least once have a tough time with all the emotions and memories. As long as we all hang together, we'll make it...one step at a time. Peace and reconciliation to circumstances is illusive and comes slowly but as time goes by you will feel it a little more and for longer stretches. I know that seems impossible right now but it will happen. Blessings to you both...

Mary Jo

[greg981]

Thanks Mary Jo...your kind words and wise advice mean a lot to me. When I feel myself spinning out of control, you seem to slow me down a bit. I'm gonna make it through..I have to be strong and get through this. I hope you have a wonderful Holiday Mary Jo. Thanks for keeping in touch and helping to guide us newer folks. It is greatly appreciated.

Hugs (((((((Mary Jo)))))))

Bless you and yours

Greg

[armaiti]

Lela and Greg, it's my second year too, and it's still hard, but we do get through it somehow.  I just came back from a walk by the river, we have some weak sun.  Get out and walk a little if you can - not having some UV rays can make us feel even worse, and if we are already feeling down it can really intensify things.

The weather report says there may be some snow showers on Tuesday or Wednesday here.  Maybe Ishaq will send me a white Christmas, to remember our last Christmas together in Pennsylvania. 

Blessings,

Anna

[carlac]

Dear Friends: I just wanted to tell you all  that I know that this christmas is going to be so hard for all of us who have losed our loved ones but my christmas wish for you all is that  on christmas we all have the special memories that those loved ones have left us deep within our hearts.  I know in my heart that Paul is looking down at me and so I am going to try my best to make this christmas special for our son, daughter, in-laws and expecially for our 5 grandchildren.  God Bless each and everyone of you and I will talk to you again after christmas......

My special friend Lela......I'm here and close by if you need anything.....Together we can make it.......especially with all the friends we have on here...

Greg, Anna, and Mary Jo...........Merry Christmas.........

[armaiti]

Greg, last night at our Sufi healing class I met our hosts dog that I'd never met.  He's a Cairn terrier named Simon!

I recognized that right off, from your posts.  He's three years old, and they showed off a few of his new tricks before class.  He's quite cute, and very well behaved during the class. 

Hope everyone is doing ok today,

Blessings,

Anna

[greg981]

Hi Anna, now you know what Arnie looks like. They are very good dogs and this is the 4th I've had. They are smart and usually very good pets. Arnie is really helping me from going crazy right now because he is so cudly and sticks to me like glue...lol.

I'm very glad I got him and very glad I had the chance to meet nice people like yourself.

Hope you have a wonderful Holiday Anna...be safe and Bless You

Greg 

[greg981]

Carla, I'm sure Paul is loking down as is my wife Miji. I just miss her so badly I am having a really rough time as I'm sure we all are. Thanks so much for keeping in touch with ALL of us.

My grand kids were here yesterday for my birthday along with my son and daughter. Everythng was going so well until I looked at my wife's picture on the mantle. My eyes started to water up as they are now and I had to leave and go to another room. I surely hope she can still see our kids and grand kids. They were her whole life and whenever I see them, I get all choked up and cry. What a helpless, lonely feeling.

I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year and please stay in touch. Hearing from all of you sure makes it more bearable and comforting. I don't feel so all alone then. God Bless and Merry Christmas

Greg

[rodless]

Greg,

This is what I believe: Miji can see your family all together just as Rod can see Niki and me tromping around in the snow. They might know we're sad but they also know after we learn all our human lessons, we will join them and feel the same joy they have. There's no sense of time in heaven so for them it's only a matter of seconds until we're together forever.

I become more at peace with this each month but it is a long battle, and you are just in the beginning stages. The tears are a way of expressing your love for Miji so just let them flow. They will slow down as time goes by and you will smile more than cry when you think of Miji. Iit took some time before memories brought more comfort than pain, but it did happen.

I hope Christmas day will be ko for you. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Greg, Lela, Carla and all - I hope you got through Christmas ok.  Wishing you blessings and peace.

And tomorrow we are supposed to get snow - a little bit.  I think Ishaq's trying to work in getting me that white Christmas/or slightly after Christmas/that I wanted!

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Greg, Lela and Carla...just checking in...hope you are all doing ok today. I know after all the buildup to Christmas, the days after can be hard as well.  I hope you are all taking care of yourselves.

Blessings,

Anna

[greg981]

Anna, thanks for checking on us. You are absolutely right. Christmas is over and I feel even worse. Going to see the Dr this afternon. Maybe he can help me out. This rotten feeling is overwhelming. Don't know what to do with myself.

I hope all is well with you Anna....Blessings to you and take care

Greg

[greg981]

Mary Jo, I would truly like to believe that they are looking down at us. It makes me feel good to think that way. Seems like since this happened, I have been questioning everything I have always believed in though. I know we aren't supposed to wonder why and question, but I can't help it.

I use to believe in the old saying"he won't give you more than you can handle" too, but I think Im at that point. I thought there would be some light after the holiday, but I feel even worse. I am just going to be taking it minute by minute for quite a while.

Take care of yourself and thanks for the kind words...

Greg 

[laquinn]

Today I am not doing so well. I woke up Christmas day sick thought I was better yesterday but now today I fell worse. And I just wish i could lay down and just not get back up. That is just how bad I am missing Randy right now I can't go on not now maybe not ever. This is just so hard the tears are just falling so fast and hard now. I want things back the way they were. My heart hurts so bad I haven't talked to anyone on the phone today just don't want to. I just hate the way that I am feeling now I just want it all to stop Maybe someday I will feel better just not now

[rodless]

Greg & Lela,

I have been thinking about you and haven't had a chance to check the board. I am so sorry you're both having a such a rough time. I get a pain in my stomach as well as my heart when I remember who bad the first few months were. I identify with everything you've said and wish I could answer with something to help.

Today I've had a few bad moments although nothing like last year. Made the mistake of looking through some pictures. Most of the time now I'm fine with them but I miss him so damn much right now, I want to sit down and cry. Too much going on which helps distract me but it will hit again I'm sure.

I will say a special prayer right now....and yes, Greg, I understand all the doubts you're having and that's okay....in hopes somehow it will help both of you at least for a little bit.

Mary Jo

[carlac]

Dear Friends:  Well I made it through Christmas. I think that the days leading up to christmas were some of the hardest days i have gone through since Paul passed 5 months and 3 weeks ago. I have cried so much lately and i know it is the reality setting in that he is not coming home and that things will never be like they were when he was here. My 5 grandkids talk about how much they miss their pawpaw and it breaks my heart knowing he will not be here to see them grow up and in july when the year anniversary of his death comes he will not be here to welcome our 6th grandchild.  Paul was a very loving dad and husband and i  will  try my best to make him proud of me by trying to go on with my life and by taking one day at a time. Friends help and the friends i have made on here and especially my friend Lela who also writes on here helps me by lending a ear when i need to talk and a shoulder to cry on when i need that..... May God bless each and everyone of you........Carla

[greg981]

Friends...Mary Jo, Lela, Anna, Carla (((((hugs to all of you)))))....I'm so greatful to all of you for helping me make it through my first solo holiday. Even though we are all in our own pain we try to help each other. As I read the posts it becomes evident that as time passes, the pain eases but will always be there...just at different intensities. I think that Carla and myself have had the most recent losses and I can mirror her feelings in the last post. I didn't think I had this many tears. Looking at my grandkids and thinking they will most likely not remember their grandma hurts so bad it is hard to put in words. I have asked my daughter to NEVER let them forget her. She needs to be a part of their life even when she is not here physically. From the short time I started this post, I have really felt a bond with all of you. You have helped me get through some very tough moments and I Thank You. Please...let's keep talking to one another and God Bless You all and all of our loved ones...I hope we all have a better New Year.....my doctor told me that there are 3 questions in life;

Who Am I, Why Am I Here and Where Do I Want To Go...I have really been thinking about that lately.

Greg

[rodless]

Interesting questions, Greg. Lots to think about, especially where am I going? Jan. 7 it will be 18 months since I lost Rod. I feel like I am at the point where it has to be a conscious choice to wallow or try to go on. 36 years ago tonight I was 21 and at my wedding reception full of hope and dreams and so happy. That went up in flames 13 years later and I managed to rebuild my life. It took a lot of counseling, support groups & good friends and I'd like to think I can apply some of the lessons I learned then to my situation now. We'll see as 2008 progresses because I really want to make it a better year.

I know how hard it is for you (Greg, Lela, Carla and others) who are just starting this trip and I so wish I could help more.  Knowing others lived through it was sometimes the only thing that helped me. I used to go way back and read old posts and take heart that others seemed to heal. I am very grateful for this board and the friends I have "met" here.

We all have our own timetables and we can only go as fast as we are comfortable with. I think personality and life experiences really make a difference. We're also lucky to have this board to help us along. Take care and keep posting! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

They certainly are interesting questions...ones I've actually thought a lot about over the past seventeen months.  I can't believe it's been that long...

I'm just waiting for a friend to pick me up and we're off to another friend's house for a New Year's Eve party.   Mainly folks I know from the Sufi Community, so it's a no-stress sort of thing...I made some "eclectic" world music CD mixes for the evening, and we're having a potluck. And my friend who's taking me told me she is happy to bring me home at any time that I feel I need to go...which is nice.  It's not too far from my house, so that's good.

I wish you all peace in this New Year,

Blessings,

Anna

[greg981]

Mary Jo, a belated Happy Birthday. I turned 57 on Dec 24. We have come a long way since then haven't we? I never imagined that I would feel my life is over at 57, but I sure do. I look at old photos and the memories flood in. Happier days when all seemed to be going our way. We all had problems, but just like everyone, we worked them out and stayed happy. How things change...The past several days, I'm sure, have been exceptionally painful to all of us. I don't know how to describe it even if I wanted to. Just a very empty, uncertain, lonely void. I went out for dinner with my brother and his wife last night. I just kept seeing these happy couples coming in to celebrate the new year. Lots of laughing, joking and festivities. My brother and wife were making jokes and trying to make me laugh. No one mentioned my wife. It was almost like nothing ever happened. I know they meant well, but it hurts so much and I just wanted to leave and go home. I was going to try not to depress anyone today. Sorry if I did. I just want to wish you, Carla, Lela, Anna and all our friends and family a safe and healthy New Year. I am leaving out the word happy as I don't feel that way. I'm sure you understand.

My daughter is making a nice ham dinner today and I'm going to go see the grand kids and my kids. That's all I have these days except for my friends here. I am going to try to make the best of it. One day, one minute at a time...

God Bless ((((((Mary Jo, Anna, Carla, Lela)))))) Hugs to all

Greg

[rodless]

Greg, it is difficlut to see and be with couples (although that gets better too)... worse to see couples sitting not talking to each other and looking bored. Rod and I never ran out of things to talk about. I could never understand it when someone told me their girlfriends were more fun to be with than their husbands. Rod was my best friend along with all the other roles he played in my life. I didn't have that the first time around and I never realized what a precious gift that could be until I was lucky enough to find him. I envy those of you who had it from the beginning with long marriages.

A friend of mine says it even hurts to be with her kids and their spouses sometimes because everyone else is two and she's just one now. A hard hard adjustment to make. And unfortunately too many people move right into a relationship trying to alleviate that emptiness. My mom remarried quickly, I believe mostly for that reason. Now six years down the road, it can get pretty bumpy because they really didn't take time to get totally aquainted. (At least that's my opnion.) I think I maybe do a little better now with that than some because I was alone for 10 years after my divorce and had to learn solo survival techniques then.

You, Lela and Carla are at about the worst time...when the initial shock is over and the rest of your life looms ahead. I feel so bad for all of you. Don't be afraid to hit your grief head on...it's very hard and very painful but avoiding it or delaying it will only make it worse. I think we honor the person we lost by truly mourning and then trying to put on lives back on track. None of them would want us to be unhappy but until we can get to the point we can look forward to going on, it's pretty bleak.

Best wishes and ((((()))))s to all of you as you face the new year. It may not seem like it now but you will get through this. Mary Jo

[laquinn]

Greg I know what you mean. Last night at work when I was done working I stuck around to have that toast at midnight. that was a misteak because there were all the couples that had someone to hold and wish in the new year with. And there I was all alone. As soon as I drank my chamaping I was out of there came home and cried somemore. So the start of the new year was not how I wanted to start it at all. I hope that u have a good day and a good  year and I hope that things will get better for all of us it might take awhile but I really hope it does.

Lela

 

[carlac]

Friends: Well we made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  On New Years eve I went with my daughter to her doctors appointment. My daughter Angie is pregnant with her 4th child and it is due on the date that Paul passed. I was so touched when I heard the babies heartbeat on the doppler. I know that this baby is a blessing and I know that Paul is around us and knows what is going on. New Years eve I went to a party at my son and daughter-in-laws and it was nice getting together with friends who have meant the world to Paul and I. The party didn't last until midnight because we all felt the loss of Paul and of Susie who passed in February 2007 who were both with us last year to celebrate and new year. when I finally went to bed the tears started to flow and my daughter was there again to put her arms around me and let me know that we will be okay and that her dad will always live in our hearts. I am so lucky to have family and good friends to confide in when I need them. I am also lucky enough to have joined this message board and have all of you that know what I am going through to talk to.  God bless each and everyone . Your friend Carla

[armaiti]

Greg, last night at my friend's party another couple that I know as standing up and singing, playing guitar and leading us all in some songs.  It's what Ishaq and I used to do.  I felt a pain in my heart then, but it was bittersweet, because he was so present with us...just over their shoulders was the calendar I had made, with him smiling down at all of us.  And I was happy that my friends had found each other too and were doing well, and having fun.  It was a mix, some couples and some single folks, and I did have a good time.  I feel really blessed to have a community that is so devoted to Ishaq and to keeping his memory alive. 

I hope you have peace and comfort in this New Year.  This was my second without Ishaq, and the first I felt like actually going out and doing something.  There was a point several months ago when I was going through a really hard time and Ishaq came to me in a dream.  I told him how hard it was for me to live without him and he smiled gently and said "Try taking some time pills."  And it is true, time has helped ease some of the pain, or maybe it just makes it easier to bear.  We are here for you, and all the others of you who come here and are going through your year of "firsts". 

Blessings,

Anna

[travelinglaurie]

I need friends to talk to, that have gone through this.  I lost my Freddie Nov. 15.  For Thanksgiving I was in shock.  For Christmas I put on a fake face and barely made it through it.  Yesterday for New Years day it was really bad.  If it wasn't for my daughters and my grandchildren I just wouldn't care.  I am sick of everyone telling me I am still young and time will heal.  I am mad, hurt, lost.  So many feelings.  I am tired pof people telling me I am so strong.  Are they here through the long nights of feeling abandoned?  Or when I rant and rave like a lunetic at the cemetary.  Yes I am only 45 and like I said so glad to have my daughters and granchildren.  My new grandson was born on Dec. 27th and I fought my emotions and felt like a terrible grandmother because the day before he came I had no excitement.  Freddie was so excited to know that there was another boy coming! Thank goodness when he was born and I saw him I was filled with love.  It will be 7 weeks tomorrow.  Sometimes I can't even figure what is going to trigger the tears.  I am angered everytime the mail comes because we had no insurance.  Bills, Bills and more bills.  I am grateful to my brother who will hold a benefit for Freddie so I can finish paying that bill to the funeral parlor.  I got insurance now so my girls never have to go through this.  Every turn feels like a big boulder in my way.  I am sorry if I am going on, sometimes it is hard to talk to your family or even your best friend. 

[armaiti]

Laurie, I'm so sorry for your loss.  The best advice I can give you is to be gentle with yourself and take each day one second at a time.  My own spiritual teacher told me it was like taking baby steps. 

The people who tell you things about getting over it often are people who haven't lived through this.  You deserve to grieve Freddie the way you want, in your own way.  If you can, don't make any big changes in your life for one full year.  I also kept everything that belonged to my partner, all his clothes and everything...you never know what you might want later on, or want to pass on to your kids and grandkids.

It's been seventeen months for me.  In May, my first grandchild will be born to my partner's son and his son's wife - it would have been his first grandchild too, and he won't be here in a body to see that grandchild, but I know he'll be with us watching over this new being.  I believe our beloveds watch over us and they send us signs - in dreams, in physical ways as well.  The signs can be subtle and have meaning only to you. 

You aren't alone in this - we are here to listen.  I also post to the "I Miss Him So..." board, which is another place you might check in.

Blesisngs,

Anna Armaiti

[rodless]

Laurie, I am sorry you had to come to this board. I hope it will help you as much as it has me.  I lost my husband on 7/7/06 so I am going to be at the 18 month mark in a few days. I have come a long way but it has not been easy....up and down, up and down, tears over and over again. Read through posts, stay in contact and take heart knowing others here will understand what your family and friends can't.  

[laquinn]

Laurie I am so sorry that you had to find us here. I am 46 and lost my husband of 27 years on October 12 2007. He was only sick for 8 short months.

The women that I have meet here have been so wonderful. I am really not sure how I have made it this far. I have cried, complained, cried some more, and they just let me. We are all here for the same reason and one that none of wish we had to find out about. I also cry alot still and I never know why. New Years eve at work we had a DJ was doing fine till they played one of the songs that we used to dance to thats when I lost it. And yes the nights seem to be the longest and lonlyest times for me. Yeah I can put on a pretty good face and smile when I have too but inside sometimes I just can't take it and thats when I go offf by myself and cry. It is still so early for you in the proscess and You have the right to grieve as long and how that u need to . When u are ready to move on (IF) then it will be your choice no one elses.

I also post to I miss him so.. I know that it is gonna take us a long time to get through this but I can say that today I do feel better than I did yesterday so one day I will be able to smile and remember him the way he was before he got sick.

I have a good friend that keeps telling me one day at a time and right now that is all I can do sometimes it's one minute at a time.

Hugs to you and I hope tomorrow will be a little better.

Lela

[greg981]

Laurie, first let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. When I read your post, I got such a strange feeling. You have described almost to the tee what I feel every day. My sweet wife of 38 years died 3 days before Freddie on Nov 12. The shock, the false smiles, the struggle to get through every day...it all sounds sadly familiar. The fear of going to the mail box every day...a sick and sad feeling. The same people saying the same things over and over, not knowing what we are experiencing is maddening. Just the deafening silence in our homes now.... The reason this site is so helpful and comforting is that we CAN talk about our loss. We CAN find someone who understands and we CAN all cry together for each other and for ourselves. I feel like crying is a relief valve that needs to be released to keep our minds from a having a melt down. Please don't ever feel like you are going on and on....let it out and let us listen. Let us cry with you and feel your pain. We are all from different age groups, different areas of the country and different beliefs but we all have one very important thing in common. We have all lost someone very dear to us and our lives are topsy turvy right now. I have made some very dear friends here and their words of encouragement has pulled me through many days when I didn't think I could go on. Even though I have not met them personally, I feel such a strong bond with all of them. I'm so glad you wrote and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers....PLEASE continue to correspond with us. We need you too.....God Bless and hang in there. (((((Mary Jo, Anna, Carla, Lela, Laurie))))))) Hugs to you all 

Greg

[travelinglaurie]

Thank you so much.  I am also so sorry for your loss Greg.  It is still like a slow motion picture.  Freddie was a prof. painter.  He worked on that Sat. On Sunday we went to the market as we did every week.  He thought he was getting the cold that I had and told me honey let's hurry and get home.  I don't feel so good.  That day he insisted on cooking our Sun. Meal and we just relaxed around.  He was complaining about his back.  He assumed he pulled a muscle at work the day before.  He was in great pain and it was acting like a kidney stone.  At 5 that evening I said Freddie if you are in that much pain, you can't wait to go to the drs. tomorrow.  So I brought him to the emergency room.  The drs. thought at first it was a kidney stone, later to find out that it was a stomach anerism.  He explained everyone has one of 2 cms. Freddie's was 7.  He went into the icu.  That night was long waiting in the icu waiting room, at 6 in the morning a nurse came and told me the specialist was on the waiting room phone.  Never met this dr. and he said it was to complicated that they were flying him to Charleston.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there with his son.  The operation was a success.  My Freddie looked great was joking and by Tuesday they had him in a chair, talking about moving him out of ICU to a regular room.  Later that day Freddie wanted me to drive his son home.  I was upset about that because I didn't want to leave him.  So I stayed home that night calling every couple of hours checking in.  They said they sedated him and restrained him because he was going through withdrawls.  That morning I was going to get in my car it was 10:45 and missed call from icu.  I called back and they told me he had died at 9:05 but they got him back.  I never drove so fast.  But my Freddie never came too.  They had his body temperature cold to relieve the organs.  No one would answer my questions.  Why did it take they so long to bring him back after 6 mins.  He choked on vomit. Why didn't they do brain scan?  Wouldn't answer me if they had him restrained at his chest.  Why did it take they so long to call me?  See I live with guilt what if I was there?  What if I insisted on staying even if Freddie got upset?  What if I could have saved him, because obviously they weren't paying attention.  It haunts me.

[travelinglaurie]

Lela,  Thank you so much for understanding.  Today I got on and saw the replies and just sat here amazed and tears rolling down.  It just feels so good to be able to talk to people that understand.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It's crazy but I wait here hoping that Freddie will come back just to help me through this.  To answer questions I have.  I understand that he is in a better place, I just feel left behind.

My brother owns a Teen Club and I worked New Years Eve.  Better than sitting at home in my pity party.  As I heard Jeff counting down 10 minutes till midnight, my mood changed and I could feel myself starting to break apart.  Big deal 2008.  What does that mean for me?  What am I suppose to do?  Then over our security radio he said call Ashley, which is my 21 year old daughter.  I called her with one min before midnight, when it was 12 am she said Mommy I love you and always will be here for you.  I told her I loved her to hung up went out on the deck and just cried. Like I said if it wasn't for my two daughters Melissa and Ashley and my grandchildren I would definately be lossed.

I know my parents are there my sister brother and close friends, but ......

[travelinglaurie]

[user=14891]rodless[/user] wrote:

Laurie, I am sorry you had to come to this board. I hope it will help you as much as it has me.  I lost my husband on 7/7/06 so I am going to be at the 18 month mark in a few days. I have come a long way but it has not been easy....up and down, up and down, tears over and over again. Read through posts, stay in contact and take heart knowing others here will understand what your family and friends can't.  

Thank you so much.  Tell me how do you do it?  What am I suppose to do? 7 weeks today and it feels like yesterday.  Good news is my new grandson is 1 week old today.  Life is funny, a day you will always remember as heart reaching July 7th is a day I celebrate my daughter Ashley's b-day.

I again want to thank you for your words of encouragement.

[travelinglaurie]

Anna thank you very much.  I do look for the little signs.  I feel Freddie.  When our second grandson Landon was born Dec. 27th my daughter came out of recovery and said Mom, Freddie was there.  He kept me calm.  My grandson Justin see's papa all the time, mainly in the evenings.  Why can't I.  I have the gifts, to feel, and see other's why not my Freddie? 

His Mom has suffered a great loss that I will never say I understand losing a child.  She has been wonderful yet she is harsh.  She tells me to stop going to the cemetary so often, to get back to sleeping in my bed, and to pack up Freddie's things.  I tell her I can't.  I have gone from going everyday to everyother.  I know he is not there.  I think it just gives me another place to rant and get it off my chest.

I actually cuddle at night with his plaid hoody jacket, like a lost child with their blanky. Congratulations on being a Grandma!  I love being young and being a grandma.  With my grandson I get on the floor and steam roller and rough house.  When I go someday I want all my grandchildren to have great memories of me.

Another thing I do is in my car I play the cd where I picked the songs for his funeral at the chapel.  My best friend Sherry tells me to shut it off.  I thought she would have understood above anyone.  Her ex husband was actually my Freddie's best friend and he died of cancer.  They she met a great man named Ricky.  She was with him for 9 months and he died just like that with a stomach anerism.  I guess people do things different. 

My friends want me to go out for a few hours to get out of the house at night.  I have mixed feelings.  Should I ? Shouldn't I.  As you can see many things go wondering in my mind.  Sorry again for just chatting in circles.  And thank you again.  I am also a travel agent so I have to do some work.  Thanks.

[armaiti]

Laurie, I can't say this often enough - don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything that you aren't ready to do!  If you want to go to the cemetary, then go.   If you want to keep Freddie's things, keep them.  I kept Ishaq's clothes in the closet and drawers for a whole year.  It comforted me to see them there.  I wear his flannel shirts at night to stay warm, and we always traded off our socks.  I have his ashes on what I call his "ancestor altar", with a rock from the beach where he passed of a blood clot while swimming and laughing; a lock of his hair is in a medicine bag that I wear.  His pictures are everywhere. 

Only you know what works for you, what you need to do.  His mom has to deal with her grief in her way, but she doesn't have the right to try and make YOU grieve her way.

I can't tell you why you can't see FReddie...I can't see Ishaq, though I do have dream visitations.  Some of my friends have seen him.  In the beginning it was like he was learning how to do stuff without having a body, so give Freddie some time too - I think when we leave our bodies, we still have to figure stuff out, we don't know everything all at once, and how to contact our loved ones.  Sometimes I think they wait until they feel we are more ready, can handle it better, before showing us a sign or giving us a dream.

And as for going out, when you are ready you will know.  Again, don't let your friends pressure you.  I stayed home a lot that first year - I dropped out of the band Ishaq and I were in together...I did what I needed to do.  I'm lucky in that my spiritual community here is pretty eclectic and open to doing things in different ways, as is Ishaq's family.  And I know how hard it was for his dad to have Ishaq die before him.  He's almost 90 now, but does yoga everyday and is still sharp.  But he kept telling us when we visited how he was preparing to die, to make his journey.  Then Ishaq goes and dies before him, someting I don't think he was ready for.  None of us were, though many of us knew it could happen.  Ishaq was a diabetic since he was nine years old, and while he looked really healthy and vital on the outside the diabetes had severely taxed his internal organs.

Keep coming, and don't worry about talking in circles!  We NEED to be able to just let our thoughts and feelings flow, and here where there is no judgement is a great place to do it.

Blessings,

Anna

[greg981]

Laurie, I read through all of the posts and I have to say that I agree with Anna 100%. Don't let ANYONE tell you how to grieve for someone you love. Only you know what makes it right for you. Also, son't second guess whatg could have been and feel guilty. What happened to Freddie is tragic but as with my wife, were mortal and can't change fate as we wish we could. You have nothing to feel guilty about and I'm sure Freddie would tell you that if he was able to. I am hoping to see signs from my wife too. I welcome them and look for them every day. I have had a few, but I want more. I feel in her own time I will get signs. I received a nice poem from a friend and would like to share it with you. It made me cry when I read it. It's called "If I Knew"

If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you,"

instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,

Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,

and we always get a second chance to make everything just right.

There will always be another day to say "I love you,"

And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance

you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes,

you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

 

[travelinglaurie]

Thank you again Anna for the time and patience.  I feel Freddie has to work things out, example judging himself etc, and the little signs I get I know he is as you say figuring out how to show himself to me.  I am just longing for it so much.

I am slowly clearing my bed off.  Maybe tomorrow I will climb in it.  It is just that it is a king size bed and look's so empty.  I have a beautiful huge poster of Freddie on his shelf next to the bed that my brother had made for the viewing or wake.  Freddie was so swollen that I am sure he didn't want everyone looking at him that way. So after family saw him I had the casket closed and alot of beautiful pictures around.

People mean well and I know it when they say your young .... you have your whole life ahead of you.  You might meet someone.  What are they thinking?  I had a on and off again relationship "hell relationship with the girls Dad" for almost 20 years.  Once I was finally over that and Freddie and I met I knew that he is the one.  He was the one I wished I met many years ago.  Every time we were apart whether for work or whatever and I saw him something inside of me leaped for joy!  You can't top that.  When I had to pay for his plot mine is on payment plan right next to him.  Where else would I want to be.  Even the man at the cemetary said your young what if..... I am set in my mind there is no what if's that is where I will be.

 

Bless you all for listening,

Laurie