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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Oh dear Lesley. How horrible to have to hear that. I would not have survived that. I guess the boy is paying tribute to tommy but isnt that going too far. At least he gave you a heads up. But still i cant believe how that must have gutted you to hear that. My heart is just breaking for you rigjt now and like dee am teary eyed. U have come so far and r a beacon of light to so many. I almost feel angry that this boy would do this but it is all about how u feel. Did u come away with some peace or just torment. Hold on tight dear friend as u will probably be processong this for awhile. I wish i could come over to your house and make u a nice warm drink and i would just keep hugging you . U know we r all here for you..just reach out whatever yoy r feeling.
Susan
So glad to hear from you and best wishes for a speedy recovery. Vito is sweet as ever. Keep us up to date how u are doing.

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Thank you everybody for all the caring..

Kate.. I go to surgery next Wednesday..  so far so good, 

I went out of town today for guardianship court and now have complete care of Sena.  It is the parents rights at sometime in the future to come back and try to take her back, but I doubt they will.  I got to see my little grandson..  breaks my heart.. he should be here with me...    bad feelings here.. I feel cheated.. Sena wants her brother.. I guess only time will tell.

I will keep you informed.. going to go to bed.. tired out, been a long day.. Bless you all

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Lesley - it is a blessing and a curse to get to hear their voice again, I have a few voicemails from my daughter, nothing special but still can hear her voice, terrified they might get deleted and I would forgot what she sounds like, your son was blessed to have a friend who cared so much for him, I am so sorry for the pain

 

Louann - thank you for the kind words, I am clinging to the fact that all of this will lessen, I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later

 

Lou - I think i is amazing that you check on everyone, I can barely keep track of myself, you are awesome

Colleen - I actually want to make my daughters blanket that i cuddle with at night into a coat so i can just stay in my "blanket" all day and not feel bad about it :)  we have to do what we can do, and if that means staying on the sofa so we don't bite some unsuspecting strangers head off because they looked at us wrong, so be it :)

 

I am going to a support group tonight just for parents hat have lost children, hoping it helps a bit (not feeling the group that is just for "loss", its not that losing my daughter is worse than their loss, its just a different loss)

 

Peace to all

Virginia

 

 

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Well I guess I shouldn’t complain I’ve got two games I’m watching and just realized LA game is on at ten. But still it’s January, few days away from Kira’s birthday and I’m finding. I feel like I’m on a middle line and can swoop one way or the other. My family and especially my one sister have hurt me so bad.  I totally didn’t see any of that coming in the days before.  I’m really missing the boat on this one.  Cause I just can’t see why breaking down and crying at my dads bedside when he just died is inappropriate.  I don’t get it. And since nobody will talk to me I might never know.  Anyway I know he is with my Kira and nobody can take that away.  I just feel like the little bit of ground I had gained this year is gone but I’m going to fight hard to get it back.   And my circle gets yet smaller.  I am so guarded now.  I know my husband is here all day but I just keep checking my front door to see it is locked.  And bless his soul he is not a cheery person himself but is trying hard to bring me up a little.  I need to get some control back in my life and some normalcy as it is for us bereaved parents.  Maybe tomorrow I will get up and decide to carry on with what I need to do.  Lots of buckets in basement to go thru but they will be painful., but need to be gone thru. Tomorrows got to be better right.  I know I make a really good blueberry coffee cake.  I’ll make one for you guys tomorrow and everyone  come over at 300.   Now that would really make me happy.

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thanks friends for your support I appreciate it. It is odd but I feel ok with that song now. It felt so good to hear my son's voice again. I appreciate his friend Ted wants to honour Tommy and keep him alive in people's memories and wow what a story of bravery it was. I would still rather Tommy had not risked his life and lost his in the process but glad patrick made it so it was not a waste.I have done so much therapy and self reflection that I can now pick myself up quite quickly after falling and analyse information and situations more clearly. I just wanted to share that with you all because it was very personal to me thanks for listening

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Well, it looks like the misses and I are coming down with colds or bronchitis. I feel like crud and completly run down. YUCH! I threw my back out when I coughed. I hope none of you get clobbered like this. It sucks.

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Susan, so glad to see you up to posting.  You had quite a surgery done. I know that John David was right there with you the entire time.  I knew you were quite ill but I must not have know what all you were facing.  I fervent prayers and positive thoughts are out there for you.  Give yourself plenty of time to heal.  Consider this a hug from a friend.

Luanne, hang in there during these days.  They will knock you for a loop but you have a strength and all of us to hang onto.   No hockey for us this week.  The Hawks are on vacation----except they have played like they are on vacation....and now Crawford, the goalie, who has been out for weeks may be done for the year.  Looks like no playoffs in Chicago unless things really start to turn around.

Lesley, what a beautiful tribute Tommy's friend did for him... a treasure but a sadness to hear his voice especially during that intense and difficult time. He was standing there beside you while you listened . Michel's friend did something similar for him but obviously not at the intense time. They were producing cartoons...in the genre of a South Park, Beevis and whomever. I truly never got it but they were pretty popular.  After Michael died he did one as a tribute and at the end he had Michael's voice.  It was tough but beautiful.  He ended it with a laugh from Michael and his laugh was so "unique".  So special for us.

Hearthurt Lou- sorry to hear you and your wife are sick.So much going around even though the weather has been too cold for anything to live.  Not sure where you are in the States. I am in the Midwest, close to Chicago but across the Indiana border and we have had brutal cold.  Me... I am a warm weather person so this has been a lot of indoors for me. Take care of yourselves.

Dee, that is awful about your school district and how they turn a blind eye towards the classrooms and their teachers.  I read so much about the Chicago Public Schools and it is pathetic. Not sure if you fall under them but Illinois and their governor ..... well enough said. 

I know I have used these before and I know some of you enjoy the winter but.....

 

 

winter.jpg

winter2.jpg

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Lesley.  Am so glad your taking it so well and are able to find u can bounce back from things better now.  Wish I could do that.  You are so so much stronger than me.  Thank you for sharing with us.  

Lou.  Sorry you and your wife are feeling rough.  All the winter bugs going around I guess.  If you don’t mind me asking did they tell you your son died of a cardiac arrthymia.  My daughter was put down to drowning cause she was in the tub but they think what made her collapse was cardiac arrthymia.  No drugs, alcohol, no family history of heart disease. Just a very strong healthy girl.  The reason I ask is because a very kind internal medicine dr told me that that type of death is the most peaceful death you can have.  He said if she felt anything it might have been a little woozy but absolutely no pain.  He said he knew that 100 %; she did not suffer or feel any pain.  He said one moment she was in the shower and the next she would say hey here I am in heaven.  Those words have given me so much comfort and I didn’t know if they might give you and your wife a little peace in knowing that.  Take care.

leah.  You poor dear you always have so much to deal with but somehow u trudge on.  So your surgery is next wed.  Hope u get some rest and will be praying for you. 

Oh I so so hate January. It seems to go on forever.  

 

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Hi. Well I'm ok. Well not really. I wanted to put this on here before I put my phone on the charger. My son, he is, I don't know how to put it but I found a notebook he had on his desk. He has written unsettling things in it. I talked to his dad. His dad supposedly talked to him but the next day I saw "I am worthless" written all over a sheet. I've got a call in for a counseling appointment. Hopefully I hear back soon. The intervention in this town sucks. They take the individual to jail vs the hospital. I did read there is a crisis team but do not know how all that works. I'm going to keep a close eye on him. Please say prayers. 

Tina

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Tina, without question you are following the right path in seeking help for your son. Follow through with that crisis team. Perhaps by calling a local hospital they can give you the number. DO NOT LET IT GO. We found a paper that our son had written outlining his duties at his workplace and basically saying he ran the whole bloody place. He sounded overwhelmed and deeply depressed. By the time we found it it was too late. Better to error on the side of caution than to let it go. I don`t mean to scare you by saying this, but never take it in stride. He has also been under tremendous pressure with your job loss and everything else. Let me know how it goes. I care.

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Tina, while it is good to know you are out there, so good, it is so worrisome to think of what you and your Son are going through...has anyone from his school helped him with his grief?School social work is a start, but they should also be able to refer you to an outside source and if sliding scale is needed, to point you in that direction as well.  I am so sorry that you are in this position of great worry. I so hope that your Son can find ways to hold on to you, to his Dad, to his friends so that he gets through this rough time. I am sending prayers/hope/energy your way and will continue to do so. Have you been able to go to work? How is your new job?

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Mom of justin

if ur son died in 2004.   That’s the same ur I lost my Son Ronnie.  

So sorry.  

And I am really the only one who keeps my sons from disappearing. 

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I do like winter when winter is what it is supposed to be...but it isn't, the temperatures are up and way way down, then up to mid 40's which is 12 degrees warmer than average winter days in January in Chicago...and then way down, they up, and so germs thrive and are bolstered by this warmth...some may die in the cold cold but a lot of germs are thriving, I can tell you that the school is seething with them. I found some of my older journals as I mentioned last week, and in them I am worrying about climate change, way back in 2004 I was worrying about the increased temperatures and mixed up seasons. ARGH! Dianne, no, the school I am in is a high tax area in a suburb just west of Chicago, we border chicago. No way should this be going on in this town. It is sad. It certainly is not the stellar district that it used to be.

 

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I have been working. I homeschool my son since 8th grade. He is a junior. I like my job. A lot of orientation. I didn't get a chance to talk to my son. He showered and went to his dad's. I'm calling to set a counseling appointment for as soon as I can get him in. I don't know if things are catching up to him or if it was a change in meds a little bit ago. He is on anxiety/depression meds. I have told his dad to let me know when he gets there. 

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I forgot that you home-school. What does he do during the time that you are at work? I would think that at 10 mnths since you lost your Girl, his Sis, it may be that the shock piece is worn off and he is feeling it all more than ever and with a med change, it could be hard to adjust. But kids his age simply do not know how to talk about grief, and kids often wait until they deem their parents on better footing before they allow their own grief, often needing guidance to steer through it but in no way know how to go about asking for help for it, nor do they always accept help for it. He also may be feeling a good deal of anger, which goes hand in hand with sudden deaths. I am sending hope Tina.

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He does his school work. I'm hoping I can help with the counseling. He has that notebook and has said in it that he doesn't know why he tells us he is fine when he isn't. Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers. They mean a lot to me. 

I haven't figured out where I'm at in my grief but will do what I need to for him. 

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Tina, of course you don't know where you are with your grief, why should you, and this may be the best thing for your Boy to know, that grief is pretty huge when it is for a sister, a daughter...that there is unfinished legal crap that does not help your process...perhaps if the two of you started therapy together and then let him have some times alone with the therapist or the two of you continue sharing the time...grieving is never easy, but one day will be different than now...I think your Son was hoping perhaps, that you would see his words...letting him know that many adults do the same, we say we are fine when in fact we are not, but one of the reasons we do this is because we know that nobody can help change our situation and that it feels like help cannot happen...but it can, and your Boy may be very receptive to it.

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Susan I have been gone a long time and didn't know you were ill. Glad to hear you are on the mend!

Dianne I also hate winter. Everything about it.

Lesley  what an emotional wallop. It was hard for me to read. His friend must really be left in a terrible spot, the boy that lived also. Such a heartbreaking tragedy. We all are thinking of you. 

Tina glad you came across your son's writing. My children are very therapy resistant. Even after 6 years I still worry.

Leah hope you are doing ok. Glad you at least have custody of Sena.

Louanne when is Kira's birthday? Forest's is Jan 30.

I decided not to write a speech for the tournament but watch the clock and just say whatever comes to mind for 5 minutes. I am honored to be asked and pleased they want a talk about Forest. So much time has gone by my guess is most the gamers there now have no idea who he was.

Btw for those that don't know Forest was a tournament organizer. His first really big nationwide tournament was to be in aug. He died in July. His partner with the help of many in the gaming community managed to hold it anyway in memorial. It had gamers from all over the country. I was shocked. I had no idea. Anyway they now hold it every year in his memory.

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Good for you Gretchen, talk from the heart, you will have some help from your Son, sitting there with that grin, that knock-out grin. And it is quite an honor and tribute to One who has made a difference in the lives of his community. Peace out.

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ive just been reading up to date , what is going on with all of you people . on the subject of " people sucking " , id have to agree . its nice to have one or two friends to vent to but even they become worn down with our turmoil eventually . im up my hill for the winter , not working , ( my farm work is seasonal ) a nice steep snowpacked driveway , and my occasional thoughts of tripping over to town is ;  " as long as town aint bothering me im not going to bother them " . 

    on the subject of therapists ;  the six months i spent talking to a young ( girl ) VA therapist was one of the most pointless things ive ever done in my life . this is something i feel no one but myself is even qualified to try and resolve . ( see " people suck "  above .

    i feel like my sons killer is walking around freely only on borrowed time and that has been the greatest relief imaginable for me .  my mind has moved forward to young nick now . whatever his placement situation entails later on , im pretty confident that the powers will prefer him to have contact with his familial roots as implied by the court ordering him to carry mine and jakes surname so im up my hill taking stern inventory of what im going to have to offer nick as far as guidance and a positive role example are concerned . little boys have a lot of questions . old men  have a lot of answers . in fact , if we were stupid we would have never made it to old age . when the smoke clears from the battlefield i think nick and i are going to be very evident to each other . i think we will be thrilled to have each other .

    i cant predict the future but i can be in the right frame of mind when it arrives , with a little foresight .

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tina my son had a bit of a break too two weeks ago whilst studying hard for exams it all came up for him again. When you are under pressure the thoughts slip through. I am glad your son is going for counselling I asked my son to get himself some help too I hope he will. My other two kids have moments of sadness but on the whole try and carry on without thinking about it. That is hard to do but they are working so are afraid to open that door in case it all comes crashing through. Dee was right perhaps your son was hoping his written words would spur some help when he could not verbalise his struggles.

gretchen words from the heart are always best Forrest will guide you as to what to say. Good luck.

louann I echo your words yes Jan does go on for ever. I know it is a hard month for you with Kira's bday coming up. I hate feb too and some of march I just want spring and new life and flowers.

dianne love those anti winter quotes I feel the same.

lou take care hope it is not the start of that awful Aussie flu that is going around. That is one mean virus that knocks you flat for days.

bob I am glad you and Nick will be able to spend time together when you feel it is the right time to see him. Cannot think how I would feel knowing who killed your boy and not being punished for it. You had mentioned before that therapy did not work for you. For some it comes too early on in the process for others it is because the therapist is not great. I guess it is a try and see attitude. One poor experience does not mean all therapy is a failure but each of us is unique and have to find what does and does not work for them. I imagine shovelling your driveway would be good therapy both physically and mentally!!

wpid-green-flowers-640x640.jpg.cd05865def36a661659077111299dcc2.jpg

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