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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Becky, I can understand being drawn to the place where Jared last was...I am glad that your Family sat with you and honored your Boy. I read the posts you led us to...I love what Jared's friends said of their Buddy. He will live on in all that love him.

How are you feeling physically these days?

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Remembering Jared as his day passes once again through the heart of his family. While this date brings sadness and sorrow let there be light for the beautiful child they held for your short life.  This day is now a gathering of love. The angels are singing with you. Hoping heaven's window can open to let you touch each of them in your own special way to over them moments of comfort and love.

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Dee, that visual of Eri on the moon that you shared with me when I was so early on in my grief and devastated to my core will stay with me forever.   So many times it has helped me to look to the night sky and feel my son doing the same. I guess sometimes you never know what piece of comfort will do so much and I can only thank you for sharing your piece of comfort with me when I needed it the most.

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Becky ..our Warrior Mom....sorry I am a day late...but you and your boy have been in my heart ever since I have been on this site....and I always felt like I was a part of your fight for justice for your son...because you shared your tireless work and research with all of us....I think you and yours honored your son with deep love...I also believe that going back to the 'place' is very common and normal for parents and families....another way of honoring your child.

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Louanne....if you don't mind me asking some questions.....I only ask to have a little more insight...and little more knowledge of you and your girl. When did you go to this therapist and he/she gave you all the prescriptions ? Were you medicated soon after her passing ? How many years were you on medications ? Was your husband going to the same Dr. and was he given the same medications ? You mentioned that you got off your prescriptions last winter and how bad it was. Are you seeing a new therapist now?

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Thank you my friends, Louann, Sherry, Diane,  Dee, Laurie, Georgina, Susan, for remembering my son. I hope I didn't forget anyone. My eyesight is not good at all, my right eye is 20/200 and my left is 20/60. Add to that all the spots and cloudiness, and I am struggling. I'm at a new eye doctor and all they do is retina issues, so I am hoping they can help me. The thing is that my diabetes is in good control. Yet my vision. Is steadily worse as well as my balance issues and Neuropathy. Did more blood tests today,so we shall see.

I will try to write more later, very very tired right now.

Much love to all...

 

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Becky....that is some good news that your diabetes is in control. In fact...wonderful news. I will say a prayer that the new eye Dr. can help with your eye issues....I think with time...faith...positive thoughts...and good Dr.s and medical team....you are gaining a little ground in the right direction. Please continue to be vigilant on the things you 'can't ' do...and not fall again....sometimes when we start feeling good....we tend to reach out of our boundaries....and end up back at square one. Just take a patience pill every morning...

I don't know if you saw this...but I so believe this is so TRUE......

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Take care Becky. One day at a time.  I wish I lived near and I would take you outside for a walk.  We have both been without our precious babies for six years.  Sometimes it just seems like yesterday.

Susan. No I don't mind sharing. Kira died in June 2011. I went back to work that oct.  I honestly don't remember much about those 4 months other than I was still in shock. I let my sisters pack up her room, which I regret now. I was only asking to have those couple seconds back when I heard her fall cause then I could have saved her. For a time I thought god would give me that time back. I remember getting really happy one day cause I thought if I could do something that pleased god so much he would make an exception and bring her back.  I know that's crazy, but yes I hung onto that for awhile.  I do remember breaking down once when I was about to get in the shower. But mostly it was just like a haze and I know I was not accepting it. When I returned to work I did not do well, lots of flash backs, anger that everyone had gone right on with lives. It didn't affect them at all.  My sister, who was still supporting me at the time and a nurse, went to head of psych. Services to get me some help. They gave me a psychiatrist and grief counsellor in another city as working at the hospital I would have not had any privacy. My husband got referred there too as he was not handling things well either. I saw this psychiatrist from oct 2011 til dec 2016. He did help me but he put me on several (10) at one point medications. So for 5 years I was totally doped up.  The handful of pills I took every night at 8 o'clock zonked me right out for the night. That was my favourite time of day.  I was not feeling to much of anything. Eventually I was slurring words, forgetting things, sleeping all the time, and definitely not dealing with my grief. I made the decision to come off all those pills mostly cold turkey and was physically and emotionally sick for about 3 or 4 months.  Last Jan 21 , Kira s birthday, I went to the cemetery (off the pills now), and a had a brief but very intense breakdown. Something I should have had from day one.  So now off the pills my 5 1/2 years of grief came raining down on me hard.  I went to a nurse practioner in my gps office and got back on  two antidepressants as I knew I could not survive this depression on my own. My husband was on pills too but went off his too.  I am currently waiting for a referral to another psychiatrist.  My grief counsellor/chaplain I am still going to.  I tell her she is my saviour here on earth.  Sorry you probably didn't want this much information.   Honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't have found you guys. 

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Hey hockey fans.  Double header all Canadian teams on starting now.  Kate , I'm sure your watching the jets.  The season officially starts today. 

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Becky, sending gentle thoughts to you for Jared...if it had not been for your sharing on this forum, our court case would have not had gone well. Hugs to you.

From one of the JDs

Laurie

 

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Lou Anne, what you wrote reminds me of Joan Didion's Book, The Year of Magical Thinking. Although it is about her husband's loss, I found some of her quotes to fit. Here is one.

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks.

We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. "...

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Laurie...I so remember you posting about the facts/research..that Becky gave you helped you out so much....sharing is caring.

Thank you, Louanne....will ponder on all these facts...never too many....

Cheers for all my Hockey fans on this site.....in South Texas...we don't do too much hockey....but from what I have observed..it is a very fast game...

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mermaidtears love that Law you posted how we are all one with the earth and all kind of joined too. There is definitely a circle of life with birth and then death.

Hockey fans enjoy the season!! My girls both played ice hockey in Pennsylvania and they loved it. It is my fave sport to watch because its fast and exciting and skillful and in men's there are occasionally entertaining fisticuffs. baseball I hated, too long, basketball kind of ok, rugby and American football are great. Watching sports can take you away from yourself which is good for all of us although this can also happen watching a tv show or movie or a beautiful piece of music. Allowing yourself normality and enjoyment is really essential even if you can only sustain it for short periods of time initially. Our spirit children rejoice when we start healing, they do not want us to pine away for them, but grow spiritually ( not just God or whomever you follow) and making a positive impact on the world until we are reunited afterward with them again.

louann thanks for sharing about your experience with medications. I think it is important that they are reviewed regularly and tweaked or altered as you go further through the grieving journey. You do not want to be a zombie although certainly at times that feels like a blessing and you need to be able to process grief not halt it because it will find its way out later on as you experienced. I see my psychiatrist every 3 to 4 months for review. As we change throughout time so does our need for medications it is not one size fits all for life. Some of us will be able to come off anti depressants at some point and others like me need them for life, that is ok , I have had depression for many years) what we all need is to be able to function and continue on. We need to try and be the best we can be for our remaining family and friends.

becky take care of yourself diabetes affects so many parts of the body, but I especially hope your vision clears up, sight is such a vital part of living. I am glad you had a peaceful day remembering your boy jared.

laurie that lion picture was awesome. Tommy was a typical Leo, fiery and full of life always looking for something to do. His younger brother Ross is also a Leo and shares some of the same characteristics but in different ways, it is interesting how birth order and your star sign affect your life so much. What do you guys think about star signs and personality?

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Louanne....thank you.....may I ask when you and your husband lost your jobs ? Did you both work at the same place ? What year did that happen? You mentioned you moved...what year did you move ? Did you move far away....or near to where you use to live ? Was the move because of your losing your jobs ? How old were your sons when your girl passed from this earth home ? Once again....if I seem intrusive...I apologize....I am just trying to string together your story. I do honor those who let me hear their story.

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Lou Ann...that game was brutal last night. I imagine you are pleased as punch. They brought in a new goalie to help this year and I'm not quite sure why. It remains to be seen how the season pans out. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving weekend. 

Lesley, I am born under the Leo sign. Thanks Laurie for posting that awesome photo of a lion. I am told I have the mannerisms of the Leo sign as well as born with fiery auburn hair. The temper comes from my Irish grandmother on my father's side. She was a real spitfire and ruled the household with an iron fist despite her short stature. No messing with Gram. Awesome hip checks.

Becky this has been a difficult week for you as you remembered Jared. I was so happy to see that you have your diabetes under control. Not an easy thing to do. Remember my dog Annie? She was diabetic for some time and required insulin shots twice a day. We had to regulate glucose levels constantly. She thrived despite it and we had thirteen wonderful years with our precious friend. I sure miss her but am not up to the task of taking on another pet.

Susan, Laurie, and Dianne...thanks for posting the great pictures and info. 

Dee, hope all is well your way.

If anyone new is reading this from the shooting in Las Vegas...we are here for you and will hold you close in thought and prayer. Our hearts reach out to you as we truly understand your pain and loss.  

Sending love to all for a peaceful and restful evening.

Kate

 

 

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Kate. Felt sorry for Mason think it was his first game.  Anybody can have a bad night.  I heard on global tonight how hockey spectators have more heart problems then others.  Ha ha I already know how I'll be going out....screaming at the refs in front of my tv.  Nice picture of the cup.  Dianne.  Hawks and Pittsburg on at 830 EST tonight.  

Susan I lost my job in 2014 and my husband a year later. We moved in feb 2012 from our small village to a town of 40000 about 15 min away. Where the kids went to high school and played sports. I just didn't think I could stay there where she died. Sometimes I have 2nd thoughts but I am where I am.    Evan was 23 and Aaron was 20 when Kira passed. I was 50 and my husband 52. The lady who was boss when Kira died was very nice and knew I suffered sometimes and she would have never fired me. But she retired and they hired a young very cold girl who ran the office like boot camp.  Somebody tried to tell her I had lost a child but she didn't care.  So after 29 years of being a medical record clerk I got called from my desk to human resources and told to hand over my badge and key.  Not one person in the room thanked me for my 29 years of service, I got no retirement gift or cake and coffee hour. The only thing they offered me was a taxi ride home as I was upset and if I got into an accident they didn't want to be responsible.  My boss left the room with not one word to me.  Not good luck, thank you or nothing. I wasn't allowed to return to my desk to pick up my belongings.  So a great number of people think I was just a big screw up and the few who knew I was suffering badly said they would call me to see how I was doing.....never happened.  The only two who stood by me just want to talk about their daughters, their daughters babies and how busy they are at work.  All things I would never have again and after awhile I just couldn't take it anymore. So you see we lost our child, our house we had built ,our jobs and all friends and family went right back to the day before Kira died and just kept going on with their lives... they left us with no support at all. I won't go anywhere in my town cause I don't want to run into anybody I know.  Cause I'm just the lady who lost her kid, her house , her job and all her friends and family.  I'm just a big loser to all of them but they have never walked in my shoes.  I so so hope I can move from this town someday.  Sometimes I think if I am real quiet and still that god won't notice me and pass me over next time he's handing out the crap. Hey Susan you should be following the Dallas stars. R u near Dallas?  Kate and Dianne and I will make a hockey fan out of you.  

 

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LouAnn------I'm so sorry that your family has abandoned you in your grief, and time of need.

Others sometimes "set up" a timeline for grief-stricken people, and expect them to be "over"

grieving by that specific time.  We all know that this is just not the case.....there are no

rules, or timelines for grief.  Each person must  proceed in the grief journey at their own

time & space.  No one in my family ever mentions Davey or baby Lisa. Of course, it has been

many years, and I understand.   It's like my two darlings have faded  'into the past' for my family. 

Also,  you are not crazy, LouAnn......as you said;  about thinking that being a good and brave 

person, maybe you could have dear Kira back.  This is the grieving heart clinging to any scrap

of hope, even though it's not possible.  I did this when Davey died in the horrific highway crash. 

I told myself that if I just pretended that he was still here on earth.....that if I just did not give in to the reality,

that it would somehow make it the way I wanted things to be.  I'm not sure of the length of time that

I did this, but I believe not too long.  I had to give into the crushing pain and grief, and I, too,

had my share of meltdowns, as you have had.  I'm glad that you are getting help from the professionals .  It's

a hard road, and so exhausting, as you said. Our darlings will always be in our hearts & souls until we

meet again.  Keep coming here to BI.  Peace to you.

 

Dianne-----thank you for the lovely poem......inspiring words, and the last verse says it all.

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Kate, that was so compassionate to call out to anyone from the Las Vegas shooting.  Such a tragedy that one cannot comprehend...As the days move my hope is that somehow and some way the families know that the world is also mourning their loss.  

Lou ann, my word what a horrible experience covered with such a lack of compassion from the hospital you worked for. I have worked in hospitals my entire career and, while I have had my share of challenging supervisors, around here hospitals have been forthcoming with offering EAP assistance to a bereaved employee.  I  was fortunate to be working remotely when I lost Michael so breakdown times were not witnessed by my co workers.  I do remember the guy that was our team lead calling me on a Friday(my day off) and I had been crying.  He asked what was wrong.  I said, I lost my son.  He said that was 3 weeks ago he thought I would be over it.  He was the lowest level human I have ever met... and that opinion was formed way before this incident.  Unfortunately this year I was unable to get a  consulting contract with the lack of jobs, my age and need to work remotely so I guess I have retired. Its a shock to my system and I certainly find myself more down and lonely.  Friends from my clinical days are gone---they never even came to Michael's service....friends from my analyst days are gone.  Aside from my husband and daughter I only have a cousin. I never knew grief until I lost my son.

Thanks, Sherry, I thought that poem said a lot about how we make it through the seasons.

Hockey is on.  Good to see Saad back in a Hawk uniform.

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Dianne, we had six Canadians that were injured and four killed in the shooting. They were all from western Canada. One beautiful young woman was only 34 with two adorable little boys. She lived in Alberta with her husband and kids... she grew up in a city called Brandon which is west of Winnipeg. Another two women from a town called Stonewall just north of Winnipeg were seriously injured. One young man stayed with the lady who was shot in the stomach. She credited him for saving her life. So very sad that such madness can occur. 

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Kate. Did you see where the Edmonton police officer who was run over and stabbed by a terrorists came out and was honoured by the crowd. Very touching.

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Thank you, Lou ann for sharing....I care very deeply for you...and your grief journey....I am piecing all your stories together for my thoughts and care for you...

Dianne....I so hear you....sometimes....I find...that many are placed in a place....where they never thought they would be....with a 'slight change' of attitude...we change our whole world within our world...more on that later...it is late...

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Just wanted to check in ..  it has been a busy week.  My sister left yesterday, I was so tired out.  I am not used to having to entertain people.  Not that we did a lot, but more than my usual schedule since I have been sick. 

We went to my hometown..  saw mom's new stone, something my sis wanted to do, we then went out to an old childhood home along with my brother who still lives in the same town.  We all had separate things we walked away with, our own memories that the other 2 did not share.  We were so very different even way back then.

I did get to visit for a little over an hour with Sena.  She cried tears of joy coming in and tears of sadness leaving me.  Wrenched my heart.  She never left my side nor let go of my hand..  I am fortunate I got to give her hugs and kisses on her little head...  the things she wanted most.  I still haven't had anymore word on what is going on.   I know her mother is pushing for the boyfriend to take her.  I am afraid it is putting a cramp in my rights.  The other grandma called me a couple days ago wondering why her son doesn't get her.  I told her I don't have control of it...  and to be honest, I don't think he wants her.  I think she was a little upset with me, cause I don't sugar coat things anymore.  The only important issues here are the kids.  If they found a better place for her I wouldn't fight, but honestly I don't see one better.  The other grandma doesn't want her either, and as for my grandson, seems everybody is content to let him sit where he is at, and I have mixed emotions on this.

I was sad cause I wanted to go to JaBoa's site, but we never did.  My siblings just don't see it the way I do.  I guess I understand them, but it would have just been a short visit.  I guess I will try it another day if I ever get back there.

Becky, I missed JD's angel date.   my heart is with you..  I always hope that things get better for you.. fighting health problems is tough.

The Las Vegas shooting has been impossible to understand.  Sena called me and told me that one of the children's mothers who are the group home was there and shot (wounded).  It seemed to have a calming effect on her strangely.  She has come up with words of.. no matter how hard we think we have it, there is someone else who has it worse.  I am proud of that gal.  I hope the up mood lasts though.. I worry for her cause right now she is on an emotional roller coaster that rips my heart out.

I think I might go to the dr. today.. I feel like something is trying to settle in my lungs.. the one thing the dr doesn't seem to be able to do a whole lot for.  Am I glad I never smoked, can't imagine how I would be.

Well gang.. I guess I better go get my son ready for school.  Thanks again for listening to me.  Hope all is well..  been enjoying posts and hockey updates (used to watch it).  Bless you all..  your an important part of my life

Leah

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I saw these quotes

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and thought they were very pertinent to all of us on our individual but shared journey.

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Take care of yourself Leah. Let us know how you made out at the doctor appt.

Lesley, I so agree with your post.

Georgina, how are you doing? Have you had your Mom's funeral yet? 

Sherry and Leah, a bit of trivia from a book I have called Factoids. With Rememberance Day coming I thought you may find some of these stories of interest. Second World War most famous spymaster was Sir William Stephensen...whose incredible story was immortalized in the best selling book...A Man Called Intrepid. He was born and raised in Winnipeg. The legend and his escapades became the inspiration for Ian Fleming's sauve spy...007 James Bond. A statue of the spy was sculpted by Winnipeger Leo Mol and is on display at the headquarters of the CIA in Langley, Va.

Pine Street in Winnipeg's West End was home to three WW1 soldiers who received the Victoria Cross for their bravery in battle. The street was renamed Valour Road. BTW...they did not know one another and had never met.

In 1914, a World War 1 captain from Winnipeg named Harry Colebourn took a black bear cub to England as his company mascot. When he shipped out for France he donated the bear to the London Zoo. Author A.A. Milne and his son Christopher Robin loved "Winnie the Bear" and Milne crafted the much loved  stories about his boy and the bear. BTW...Colebourn was a Vet. practicing overseas with the Army as they rode horses at that time.

Halloween trivia...  When Stephen King was two his father went out to buy a pack of cigarettes at the store never to return. He was deeply impacted by his father deserting the family. In his early teens he went into the family attic and found a box of comic books that had belonged to his Dad. They were on the dark side and so he began to imagine the stories that eventually unfolded.

Wishing all Canadians a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. We are off for a few days. The beauty of living where we do is that it offers the opportunity to go outside to be alone. There is nothing more cathartic than being at one with nature. Wishing everyone a peaceful few days. Kate :) 

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