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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Susan, what a great photo...I am always happy to hear stories of good solid families with good leaders...mine was not that way so it always has given me hope to hear your stories and those who also had good parents.

Happy Fathers' Day!

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Louann I agree with Dee it is good to change up your traditions sometimes because it helps to start something new a new way to celebrate. Because some of us have other kids we must not forget their needs in our sadness they need to see that life can go on and celebrations and traditions can continue because it is ok to show happiness even whilst we grieve. Some things that stay the same are comforting to us and our children it is a personal choice just like grief, we are all different. It is especially difficult when an angelversary is on another special day like Kira on father's day. Just go with your gut as to how you celebrate. each year can be different, it is all ok. 

i wish you all peace today and always. I also directed another two mums to our thread today both who lost baby girls. I hope they join us and can share.

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Louanne....you and your daughter are total look a-likes....we only have words to share on this site...but each of us can relate to the Angel Date...sending our compassion, prayers and care your way...

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I agree with Susan Lou ann, you and Kira are so alike...those eyes.  I know how this date on the calendar makes you ache. It is the hardest thing but here you are, honoring her with photos that show the love and joy in that Girl's eyes. Goodness knows how dearly she is loved. Kira knows too. She will always be your light in the dark. You will always be hers. And we will always say her name which we know to be music to your heart.

KIRA, beautiful Angel Girl- Please sit upon your Momma's shoulder today, let her feel the tingle of your presence.

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Kira- special thoughts on this day for your family as they remember.  Sit besides your mom and touch her gently on the cheek so she feels your presence.  Send a special butterfly by her window.

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louann your beautiful daughter looks so like you. Thinking of you esp today which is a hard hard day to get through and brings back many memories. Stay strong and continue to make progress with your life that is the best gift you can give your children. Hugs

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Thank you all so very very much for your kind words and allowing me to share pictures of my baby girl.  The one with her holding her cat was taken 3 days before she died. I have looked at it a million times.  She did not look weak, pale, scrawny, in pain.  Nothing but a strong, happy, healthy girl enjoying her kitty.  I have always been way way over protective of my kids.  I thought I had everything covered that could possibly happen to them.  But my God never in zillion years did I ever think my child would collapse and die in the shower.  And that thud was probably the only one I never panicked over.  

For six years I have been searching , struggling, looking for something, suffering with this awful grief.  And then in April some how I stumbled upon this site.  For the first time I have people who understand, who are walking the same journey as me.  Who I know won't let me down.  People who are holding my hands and standing beside me even through thier own sorrow and pain. Your love and support means the world to me.  Somebody posted awhile back they had to leave this site in order to carry on in this grief journey but for me it has been the exact opposite, I had to find you guys to hang on. I dont think of suicide anymore. The first four months of this year i was in the bottom of the darkest hole. I only hope in return I help somebody else once in awhile.  I went to the cemetery today with my purple flowers. The red carnations are in memory of Colleens Brian who shares the same Angel date as my Kira.  Love and hugs to you all.  My heroes.  

  

  

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shorty16   

My dear friends.

Today marks 9 years since Brian became an angel.  Nine years since we heard his laugh or saw his smile.

Lou Ann is six years today for her dear Kira.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

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Colleen, such a difficult day to handle. My thoughts and heart reach out to you. When I first came on this site, you were so kind and compassionate. BRIAN is that bright star looking down on you this evening. When you are very still you will hear him whisper.

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Colleen, I knew this morning that this was your Son, Brian's date as well as Lou anne's Daughter. I was going to write and the phone rang...obligations were fulfilled and now I am back at my computer before bed realizing that I never wrote to you and to Brian...

On this 9th year, so hard to believe that it is more than 9 days, or less than 90 years...the trick of grief is it robs us of what time used to mean before we lost a Child. All I know Colleen, is you came here raw and aching and wondered if anyone here could understand...And we did, and we do still. You worked very hard to keep your family going in the face of so much grief...You make Brian smile each day with the effort you have produced in order to honor him as you live your lives anew. May you feel Brian today in such a way that you KNOW..

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Tinay   

Colleen and Lou Ann my heart aches and tears flow for you. 

As I pray for you guys I can't help but think about time in my journey. I still start to get antsy around 7:30 on Monday nights. This used to last until Wednesday mornings. The last couple of Wednesday mornings haven't been as hard. I've been able to work. This week seems to be harder with your angelversaries and the 21st being this Wednesday for me. I wish I could just have been in bed from tonight at 7:30 to Thursday sometime. 

I did get the money I need to to the lawyers office for the court transcripts today. Hopefully I hear good news soon and they take the case. 

My niece just invited me to her gown fitting at the end of July. I have mixed emotions about it as she pulled away from me at the time I was to go help pick that dress out and posted all over Facebook how she went with friends and had a great weekend with them instead. I guess I'll just wait and see. Not going to respond to her just yet when my emotions are high and raw. 

I had to kinda force my kid's dad to see Grayson yesterday. He told my son he was going to go to bed at 3:30 in the afternoon. I just sent him a text "so you are going to ditch Grayson on father's day?". He asked me if he wanted to do something. Really, ask your son. He did come over for a couple hours and played on computer with him. My son had his wisdom teeth pulled so he didn't want to go anywhere. That was a high anxiety time for me too. The pain meds made me worry. Did he take too much. Is he breathing. He pulled through. I am thankful for that. 

I too have thoughts of suicide. They aren't hard core thoughts. I pull myself out if it knowing I can't leave my son. I don't want to put my parents through losing a child. And I fear I won't be with my daughter in the end.

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Colleen thinking of you today, another year without your beloved son. Time is deceptive sometimes it drags other times it flies by. I hope you had a peaceful day.

Louann so glad you can see for yourself that some healing has taken place and you are on more stable ground. Kira's grave looks lovely and I hope you feel some peace when you go and visit her. She is so proud of you finally reaching out for support and sharing her story to help others on this lonely path we tread.

Tinay glad to see you posting and that you got the money for a lawyer. I really hope you get some justice and answers, the waiting must be hard to bear. Suicidal thoughts are very common among bereaved parents because in the depths of grief we can only see our deepest loss, missing them overshadows everything else even our other children and family. grief steals your breath your peace and turns your emotions and life upside down and back to front, and it is not until we are on a firmer footing that sanity prevails and we see who is still with us and that they are important too. healing takes a long time and the journey is full of mountainous climbs and hollows in the road that we fall into but each time as warriors we find the will to get up and carry on. Ultimately the burden of grief becomes less but it takes a long time to happen. You will be reunited with your daughter one day far in the future and she will be waiting for you with open arms, we never pass on alone.

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Colleen, how did you do yesterday? How did the rest of the Family do? I am thinking of you as you travel the holy ground between Brian's special dates.

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Colleen...I wanted to send you a message....my business phone has been ringing off the wall....have people, people people coming and going...and my precious Pibby is now 14...and she and her friends gather at my house...they jump in the pool and play...then go to the guest bedroom and 'binge watch Netflix'....and I have to have a supply of their favorites...salsa and chips.....my bedroom now smells like a Frito....

When I joined this site....you were there for me....I and many feel as if we have been on the Brian journey with you....the ups and downs...good and bad days...sad and sadder days....I think you have accomplished the most important challenge in that you and your family is intact...facing your grief together. Holding on to each other.

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shorty16   

Dee,

Thanks for asking.  My family has learned to find happiness again.  This happiness is a bit different than when my Brian was alive.  

It is important to me that my family live again.  We find happiness in nature and positive friends.

We are living because Brian lived.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever 

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Right On Colleen, it is the motivation for our lives...to live because they lived. Brian Brian Brian...his name will always bring music to your heart.

Oh today, the solstice...I rode my bike to a labyrinth...one was installed at a local Catholic University, just a mile or so away. I walked the labyrinth with all the hopes I have, palms facing the sky, open heart to all of my fears and anxieties, and felt cleansed by the experience. I then took a nice bike ride feeling the path to my center and the path to living more peacefully, deep in my spirit. Years ago, Colleen and Trudi, and Carol, and Marcia, and Bonnie, and Me,( Indigos),  met in Minneapolis for a gathering of broken hearted parents who desired a face to face weekend. We drove in Colleen's big ride, to a little spiritual shop, you know, crystals and lovely chimes and rocks and items, known also for their labyrinth. We went out back to the labyrinth, none of us having had the experience. I laughed because it was so tiny, but showed me what I didn't know, itl took us on a quiet journey to the center of our spirits. It was lovely, as was the trip. Thought of you Colleen, while winding my way through today's labyrinth. May you feel the sun upon your spirit.

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Hello to all INDIGOS.   I've been on vacation, so just now 

getting caught up reading the posts while away. I'm sorry if I have

missed any other Angel Days.  thinking always of everyone in 

the BI Family.

 

LouAnn-----May Kira's lovely smile shine down on you and fill your 

heart with the warmth of your closeness and love.....the love that

will be with you both always.    Kira.......sweet girl......send down a moonbeam

of love to your mama and family.

 

Colleen-----I'm sorry I missed dear Brian's Angel Day.  Yes,....the years pass by,

but the love stays with us.   Brian-------Smile down with radiance on your mam and family.

 

Darcy12-----The one year milestone is always very heart-wrenching.  The enormity of

losing a beloved child has been settling in, and the despair is deep.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

Susan------thanks for the lovely pics with your dad that you posted, also for all the

poems.  Your dad must have been a wonderful man.....he looks so kind.  Peace to you.

 

Becky...Dianne---Dee....... Leslie.....LouAnn......., Laurie......Thanks to each & every one for the

messages on David's Angel Day.....June 14.( I hope I'm not forgetting anyone).  It is so much appreciated,

as no one in my family remembers that date after all these years.  Peace & Blessings to all. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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So glad that you are back from a good trip. We missed you Sherry. Your words here are a reminder to those new, that you know exactly what it is they are going through. 

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Hello to all...stopped by to peek in and say hello.  Saw your lovely post Dee, regarding your solstice ride...how beautiful and soul stirring. And I smiled all the way to my heart at the memories of our time in Minnesota and my very first experience in a labyrinth.  I shall carry all of those memories with me forever.  I think of you all here, often...and continue to carry you in my heart, as always.  It's been so long since I've posted...I found it difficult to post after my hubby passed...the missing of him consumed me, day and night.  And, having shared, on a daily basis, our grief over losing Mike, it was almost as if I lost Mike all over again.  Time, as we know, has eased the terrible pain of loss, though our grief does tend to ride shotgun with us, no matter the days, months or years, and we all know that a trigger can be around the next bend.  However, over time, we do learn that there can be triggers for good memories, as well....and these provide our oxygen to continue our lives, to honor our loved ones gone from this earth, and to create new memories with those we are blessed to still have with us.  This site, you all, helped me so much to learn all of that and those lessons learned through sharing, help us move through our grief to find a new normal for each day we are blessed with.  I know many have been through many changes since I last visited...my own most significant one being an accident I had in spring of last year where consequences saw me very close to leaving this earth, though eventually blessed to have my ticket punched as a "round trip" and spent the next four months rehabbing.  Fortunately,  daughter Kim was able to come and stay with me for two months until I was up and about again enough to be on my own and travel back and forth to rehab myself.  I found it enlightening to look back and see how hard I fought to "stay" here, whereas times in the past, following our son's passing, and then 6 years later, my sweetie's passing, I would likely not have fought so hard.  I know I've much to live for, with my two daughters and seven grands, as well as living the honor of standing where our two Mikes can no longer, and this brings me to my feet each morning with a prayer of thanks on my lips.  

I found much Love and understanding here when we first lost our son, Mike.  I am forever grateful for finding this site at such a terrible time in my life....Dee, Sherry, and all here at the time, and others who've come since; we all give life to each other through the sharing of our stories and our journeys, and our hearts.  Love to all...

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Carol, how lovely to hear from you. I am so glad that you have made a good recovery from your accident. It sounds as if it was a close call indeed. I remember what a trooper your Mike was. He always found a way to see the brighter side to things. I'm sure he is now in a wonderful place alongside your sweet boy. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. We think of you often.

I have not posted for some time. Many things to do and keeping me busy. I, too, have found myself moving forward and taking each day with all of the challenges that it presents. I think of everyone often and know that I am sending love as face each and every special occasion.

I am not sure if this a case of happenstance or a sign but I have a little happening that I wanted to share. On Saturday my husband and I were in the city and had the opportunity to pass the cathedral  in St. Boniface where they held the funeral for my friend that died at the age of twelve many years ago. As there is a wonderful french bakery down the street we decided to stop on our way to the bakery and look for the grave site of my friend. We took ages as I had not visited since her death and my memory was not is not as it once was. I found that she had been moved to a larger family area that held a huge upright stone. The names of all of her family that had passed were written on the stone along with that of one of her sisters. On Sunday we decided to go outside and decorate our property for the upcoming Canada 150 celebration. As were working towards the front of our yard a man and a woman walked along the road past us. He appeared to hesitate as I glanced at them. He then stopped and walked back. He asked me if I remembered him. Well, I did not as many years have passed. It turned out that he was the son of the sister that had died and was buried alongside my friend. This was the first time he had ever walked past our place. What a shock. Even my husband who is often skeptical had to shake his head. I guess they did know that we had gone to visit and were showing us that they were aware. How lovely.

Sending warm and loving wishes to all of you for peace restored once again in your lives. Love to All, Kate

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Wow Carol, to see you here today makes my heart bubble up and laugh outloud...and cry too, not knowing about your accident until now. I am so sorry that you were badly injured and grateful that you have healed and are walking among us still. Those Girls and Grands must be extremely grateful as well. How like you to find ways each day to honor those two Mikes. Are you finding coins and hearts still? Tell us how the Kids are...are you in communication with Trudi? Ahhh, I take our trip with me too, it was a life changing event, it allowed us all a space in our hearts...

Kate, love the experience you shared here. WOW! Seems like you were all positioned in order to meet as you did. Such a lovely way to be touched by the Angels. I am glad to hear you are doing okay as it has been a while.

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Dee and Kate, it was good to sign in and to hear back from you both.  Like bumping in to old friends...  I must say that I do think of you all, often.  I still have my picture from Minnesota here on my desk, on the shelf right over my computer screen, but also think of those who came on to this site after our trip. The sharing and support found on this site has helped many of us, and it is such a gift to those of us walking this journey.  The hope that shines through the posts of those of us further along in our journey guides those who are just, sadly, beginning the trip.  I think it was you, Dee, who once said "We are leaving footprints for those behind us to follow."  Such a beautiful sentiment, and comforting.  Dee, you asked if I still find hearts and coins...oh, yes, often.  Of course, with both Mikes palling around up there together, I think they think up things and feed off each other for ideas!  LOL  This past Sunday, Cathi, Kameron (Mike's middle son, who is TWENTY next month!) and I had taken flowers to the cemetery for Father's day, and then had lunch together.  Going our separate ways after lunch, I drove to the pharmacy to pick a prescription.  The drive-up window was closed, so I had to go inside.  When I came out, there was a bright red, punch buggy, convertible, sitting right by the door.  As I got into my car,  With a smile in my heart, I called over my shoulder, "Nice, guys, thanks for the hello."  As I drove away, I noticed the plate said "TC."  Jokingly, I said aloud, "geez, a couple of M's would have been nice!"  I had to stop at the traffic light next to the pharmacy right after I left the parking lot.  Two guys had just pressed the walk light and walked in front of my car.  They were both wearing grey t-shirts, and the one closest to my car turned towards me as he passed my car.  Written on his shirt?  M & M's.  I could almost hear our two Mikes chuckling as they watched!  

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Carol, I think of you every time I see a punch buggy. Not too many around these days. The kids loved to play that game when they were young. What a treat to have so many surprises from the "boys" on Father's Day.  I have always been deeply moved by my friends death at such a young age. it simply defied all reason to a young person. Her sister lived to grow up and marry and have a family. Sadly, she died in her forties and is buried along with her other family members.

Dee, I hope hubby is making a good improvement. How is his gardening coming along? We have yet to experience any real heat. Tomatoes are still growing, but should really take off with some serious heat. Things are getting busy with the upcoming 150th celebrations for Canada Day coming up. Parties and events galore.

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

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