Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

Recommended Posts

Colleen, your story of what happened to you when Brian crossed just resonated with me.  The day Michael crossed, was the day after Thanksgiving.  My daughter and her family got to stay on that Friday and left later in the afternoon.  They have always gone home on Thanksgiving late afternoon. After they left I was siting alone in my den and began to feel very odd.  Unlike yours I was not peaceful I was restless and feeling like I needed to be somewhere.  I was up and down, literally shaking and feeling like crying.  I thought maybe this was from a full weekend with an 18 month old??? I didn't know. We got the call from the hospital chaplain about two hours later.  I think somewhere my "mother's instinct KNEW.  Yet never did I relate it while it was happening because we had all just talked to Michael on thanksgiving and he was fine.

Tinay, my daughter's middle name is also LEIGH.  I wanted it to be special because I knew she would be.

Lesley,  a very handsome man in Tommy.  Thank you for sharing. A  wonderful image of a happy, smiling guy.  You have a lot of pride and love to hold in your heart. I love when we see the pictures of our angels.  That way we have their image when we think of them.

Dee, the other day I was leaving the doctor's office in Orland. I know you are probably about an hour away but I saw the most beautiful section of pink sky.  It was amazing...and it was just a section cut out of the sky. I told Tim that was probably Eri sending a message to her mom.  Without hesitation he just agreed.  He has seen signs (first the two in the house with the music and the plant) and then when we drove to Wyoming last month we were talking about Michael and him being with us in Wyoming.  Tim told me to look up at the sky ahead and there plain as day was a cross- an orthodox cross.We are all catholic but my father's family was russian orthodox and Michael found an orthodox cross at my uncle's and wore it.  Tinay, you will feel Kiona when you least expect it.  She is there.

Allen, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  Your broken heart still trembles. There are so many kind people here.  You have come to a good place.

russian cross.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dianne, I am surprised that your doctor is in Illinois. How far is that for you to drive? I thank you for thinking of Erica when you spotted that pink sky, we have had some lovely pinks lately and each time, I am made to say thank you. I love that your Husband knows too, that these signs are nothing to brush off, they are real. I adore the sign you had recently: the orthodox cross. WOW! Your Sweet Son letting you know...all is going to be fine. He is with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Allen, I too am so sad for your broken heart. Yes, our parents are older, have lived a longer more normal number of years...sad enough to say goodbye to them, but to lose your Boy suddenly???there are no answers really, no way to feel like you can put one foot in front of the other with any ease...please tell us about your Son, about his life and his loves. Keep coming here as we hold your hands on this very hard path to walk...it is not easy but it is what we have been dealt and we can help you navigate. Hold on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for your kind words concerning Tommy. he was a handsome lad and that cheeky grin would melt hearts. At least his grin makes me smile when I am sad. Tinay you have so much on your plate with working and the trial. I am so glad my son's death was not complicated I really could not have coped so you are doing amazingly. I had to avoid certain shows and could not watch a scene with CPR or in the mortuary or funeral scenes or people falling. I am much better now and can cope with those things, it just takes time and focusing on our grief to make some peace. Signs from our children are always welcomed they seem to be fairly infrequent but that is ok we know they are with us. please keep sharing it gives us all hope. that necklace is a beautiful connection with your daughter.

Louann is right you have to go through the raw pain of grief and not run away from it because it will catch up with you, you cannot avoid it forever. If it is not resolved grief can pop up again months or years later and create havoc in your life. You were unfortunate to personally experience that weren't you? Your job treated you very unfairly and cruelly I'm sorry.

allenb and darcy12 there is no fairness, we were just very very unfortunate to lose our children in the prime of their lives with so much ahead of them. I guess it is upto us parents to try and carry on their legacy caring for our other children/grandchildren and trying to make a difference to the world in our very small ways.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dee, thanks, I needed someone else to remind me of that. His birthday is just a couple of days after Mother's day and I think my darkness is closing in because of these days.  Orland is where I am going for varicose vein treatment.  I just had my first one this past Monday.  The Vein clinic there has a great reputation so I went out there.  Its about 45 minutes to an hour away but worth it to go to a doctor with great credentials.I try to share those uplifting things with Tim as he is not one to talk about how he is managing losing our son.  But he does sit out in the backyard every time he cuts the grass to have a chat with Michael.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou ann   

Tinay, be glad for the tears, (as strange as that may sound)embrace them, you are getting it out . Tommys mom is right. I lived through postponed grief and wouldn't want anyone to do what I did. I never cried, screamed, beat on anything, not one single tear even at the funeral home and cemetery.  I wouldn't look at her pictures, I wouldn't touch any of her things (I had my sisters pack up her room), I wouldn't pick out her casket, I wouldn't watch them lower her into the ground.  I tried to make a speech at her funeral but just rambled on and really didn't say much to honor her.  I didn't  hold her hand or touch her at the hospital.  I didn't pick out anything to be done at her funeral.  I went on like this for months and soon I would be going to a psychiatrist who loaded me up with 12 pills.  So then I really didn't have to feel anything or deal with my grief. I would stay like that for 5 1/2 years until I could not send a text that made any sense, I would repeat myself, I barely knew my own name some days.  This past January I decided i had enough of these pills and quit them all cold turkey.  I was very, very sick for 2 months and on Jan 21, my daughter's birthday I went to the cemetery and let out a cry that could be heard around the world. It didn't last long, but after all those years i let that gut wrenching scream out.  So after losing my daughter, my house, my job and almost all family and friends I was brought to my knees.  There were times I cried and I was always sad, but I never let it sink into my soul. Sorry to be so long winded but I just want you to understand you are grieving like you are supposed to.  On top of already feeling guilty I didn't save my daughter, I have to live with guilt and shame of how inappropriately I behaved.  I can only hope my daughter forgives me. I am so ashamed of myself and will ever have to live with this.  So go ahead and cry, you are doing what you should be.  I wouldn't want to see anyone else do what I did.  Hugs

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinay   

Lou Ann-i had to make all those choices. Her dad didn't want any part of it. I saw her in the ER. He didn't. I saw her 2x before she left for donation and autopsy. I tried to get her brother to but he didn't, I think cuz her dad wouldn't. He regrets not touching her. We had the wake. I touched her repeatedly, the ER and funeral home. I kissed her. I didn't bear hug her. Idk why. I just touched her. We got to say one last goodbye after the funeral before they took her to cremate her. I took a chair and sat beside her. Touched her, talked to her. 

I am at laundry mat while my son is working. I walked to gas station and had a couple drinks. Haven't drank since October last year. Now back at laundry mat and crying my eyes out. I think I needed this release. Just wish I didn't have to drink to do it. It's the only time I can be alone and grieve like I want to. I guess...idk. My son picked me up. We are headed home

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinay   

I'm sorry everyone for my break down

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tinay please no apologies needed here. I get it I have done the same thing myself before just had a couple drinks in an evening to be able to let go. As long as it does not become a habit it is ok. i think because you have to work you force this brave face and coping front in front of people and it is not easy to drop that fake front when you get home. Maybe the alcohol loosened you up enough to let it all go and you did. God knows, this is a hard harrowing path we are forced to walk, it is scary, and lonely, and full of potholes, and mountains, family and friends drop out because it is too difficult and so we trudge on. But there will be an end we learn along the way the best way to navigate the rough spots, the times to stop and reflect and the times to push ahead. We learn to recognise the foreign landscape and know more about endurance than others, and then we get to the light. The valley where it is more peaceful and bright where we can choose which direction to go of our free will, where we can see colour again and feel some happiness. It is a long long walk but in the end we will all triumph just trust in yourself and take comfort from others who have walked before you. None of us are alone on this journey.

louann your post was soul wrenching i am so sorry. There was a lot of fighting to get my son back to the UK. My evil ex made things a thousand times worse for our family by threatening to just have Tommy cremated in Hawaii. It upset our children and I was desperate to see my son. I had not seen him for 4 years and then when I did it was absolutely devastating because he was dead. I had a complete panic attack and breakdown and could not go into the room at first. My Mum was amazing and took the lead. How could I be scared to see my own son? I was terrified bt what i would see. I slowly edged in and saw him and it was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I was able to talk with him and hold his hand and stroke his hair and kiss him and all I could see was the remnant of my little boy, my eldest son. I put a quote in his hand "Until we meet again" and left.I felt so guilty that i had been scared so I wrote a long rambling personal letter to him and went bak the next day with a rose from my garden. This time I walked in freely and felt more comfortable and knew this would be the last time for me. My kids went separately and although it was very scary and upsetting they are glad they had a chance to say goodbye. My youngest daughter acted like you not able to participate in anything holding it all in although she did cry. the ex then wanted to change all the funeral plans so we did. We both gave a eulogy. Even now he tells the kids I had it all my way, whatever. I was not even allowed to keep any of his ashes so last year Tommy was scattered over a high cliff into the sea. there is no point looking back and wishing you did things differently. You do the best you can as you are able with whatever you have got. Our children get it totally. they can see the heart within us ripped into pieces and how hard it is to carry on. They watch over whilst we try to sleep and see our torment and sorrow. They do not blame us for anything we did or did not do, they know we love them more than anything, and that is so difficult to let them go before us. They hold us up when we fall and celebrate our successes they are with us always, ALWAYS.

Dianne you have come so far and you are doing so well keep on going. There will always be dark days and times we stumble but you will survive and get back up like you always do. It is just the grief journey. However journeys must end and there is a final destination. These last few days I have felt overwhelmingly tired and depressed and not able to do much. No reason for it it just is. tommy's funeral song sings in my head and I allow myself some quiet tears then try and do something to distract myself. It is ok all part of grieving. i know there will be another day to be able to feel some joy and accomplishment, the sun will shine again and a new day begins.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi All. Hey New to this site and/or new to grief...do as your heart demands, try to let the grief you are feeling out into the world. You are allowing yourself to unplug the storm that you otherwise keep locked in. It is important to let it out, not always at a convenient time, I know, but there is nothing convenient about grief. There really is no way to put off grief, it is there to be shed no matter. It will change over time and you will one day find ways to weave your grief into your everyday. There will come a day that when someone says how many kids do you have? You will answer without question as to what to say...I have two, but one of my Kids died. It is the truth and if others are made uncomfortable by our truth...well that is their problem. I think that when we say our truth, we are helping teach others that while we look like everyone else, our hearts are heavy, it is good for folks to learn to face grief that is not theirs. At least that is the way I look at it. As far as having a drink now and then, no worries, but if you feel you are drinking daily in order to get through the times, please find a bit of help...it is far too easy for our weakened spirit and bodies to fall victim to addiction. Those kinds of things will only make everything surrounding grief, harder. My sister's Son is an addict, and due to the daily stress of having him in this condition, she has also become addicted, to drinking every day after work and using self medication to sleep. I feel I have almost lost my sister to this sadness because she is merely a shell of her former self. Don't mean to lecture, but truly, your Children have hope to see you walking in the light that they are sending out.

Dianne, yesterday in class, my students were busily making Mothers' Day cards, I put out all the materials and instructed them to create a poem first and then create the card. They could choose a Haiku, a Cinquain, a Limerick, a Free Verse...and we had some music playing...lovely time, when suddenly I was overcome by emotion. My tears sprang from my eyes and I had a little weep time. The kids know me well and I said, " don't be afraid, I just need a Momma Day cry" and they said, It's Okay, my Mom would cry on Mothers Day too if I was not here. KIDS GET IT!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dianne.....those marker days seem to have an energy of their own....and we seem to have little control....those closed portals in our mind seem to come open to memories that have been behind closed doors. I seem to have a clear walk down memory lane around a marker date. I guess it is a normal/natural reaction of a parent to remember the joy of that day so long ago. I do hope your vein issues are healed. Medical technology has come a long way in treating those issues.

   Dee....I, too, think young children have such a direct line to the heart of the matter...they have uncluttered minds and such simplistic hearts.

ScreenShot2037.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou ann   

Tommy mom. Thank you. I'm sure i must seem like I am very cold unloving mother.i did place my hands on her at the funeral and kissed hér forehead. The thing is  I a total zombie, totally void of any feeling good or bad. People just thought I was going to faint all the time. But years or not no parents heart could have brokeore than mine. The only thing i could say to my daughter was i will be with you soon and that was my intetion on mote than one occasion. Thanks for not judging me.im glad you all had ypur farewells with your children

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
darcy12   

all i could do was stroke her hair because it didnt feel like my child i got to see her loads in a&e but it was once in the morge and once it funeral directors as when she come back from London they was worried how bad she wud look but she never looked like my little lady or it was i didnt want her to look like her think it was the fact she was sooo cold 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou ann   

A friend of mine who lost her only child to suicide two years ago, always says to me, "but we didn't get the memo on what to do if you lost your child, we didn't get the handbook".  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Susan for thinking of us. We have been very busy with one thing and another. I, too find that with Mother's Day upon us I always sink into a form of melancholy. Memories of happier times long since past, etc. Thank heaven for those memories. I have opened up my box of treasures and found one of Jeff's home made cards from school that I have placed on a table. Dee, you will never know how much I appreciate the time spent with his teachers making those cards when he was so young. Today they fill my heart with a real sense of warmness and somehow it brings him closer to me on this special weekend. I honestly feel that is does not matter how many years have passed we will always feel their absence on special occasions. 

Darcy, I remember how shocked we were to see Jeff at the funeral home for a private viewing. Nothing can ever prepare you for the shock of seeing them like this. I simply will not allow myself to dwell on that occasion. I fill my head with memories of better times. It takes time for the shock suit to wear off. It will start to lessen in time. I know it is hard. 

We found out this week that the eye surgery that my husband had last November did not go quite as successfully as we had hoped. I noticed on Easter Day that the growth had returned. His surgeon feels that it is cancerous and is scheduled to operate on June 1st. She is also hoping to start him on Interferon (sp) which scares me as he had such a bad reaction to his Folfox drugs and they stopped his chemo at four months instead of six. He is facing this as he does everything that he has encountered. It is what it is...one day at a time. No sense in blocking it out. I wonder if they will remove his eye? As the cancer spread to his lymph nodes you just can't know where it has spread to. Please keep him in your prayers.

We are off to Jeff's site shortly. The sun is shining, but it is still quite cool for May. I am sending warm wishes to all for strength and a peaceful day tomorrow filled with many beautiful memories. Love to All,

Kate 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Darcy, thanks for thinking of us. We just got home from a lovely walk into Jeff's site. I took some beautiful roses and placed them on the garden. I have to say that today I am just about done in. I am totally exhausted and can honestly say that I think I have reached the saturation point. I don't ever remember being this tired before. I plan to research the drug and ask a ton of questions before they start him on it. We'll see.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
darcy12   

kayla has a tree in a natural garden for other ppl who have passed on i just couldn't put her in the grounds i felt i needed to keep her 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kate...good to hear from you...but have a sad layer for you and your best boyfriend about his eye issues. Do research the medication...and ask lots of questions...am sure they know his bad reaction before. You have been physically busy...and the emotional busy seems to wear on me now that I am 70...it is the inner stress....and it feels as if I am breaking out with measles on the inside sometimes. I am sure this latest news has used up all your 'good energy'...and now..it is time for you to rest.

Ah....the homemade cards....yes...we keep them...and they are more priceless than diamonds and pearls....John David made me a card when I was turning 30....all my family and friends were making a big deal of it and I guess he thought it was not a good birthday for me..and he wrote...'Mom..I will still love you when you are 30'......now my GRANDkids love to see what their parents made when they were young.

ScreenShot1046.jpg

ScreenShot1045.jpg

ScreenShot1050.jpg

ScreenShot1044.jpg

ScreenShot915.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tommysmum...Lesley------thanks for posting the pic of Tommy. He is a handsome

young man.  I so understand what you mean about seeing him.  the shock of

seeing a beloved child dead is too much to bear, and just devastating.

 

Tinay----So thoughtful of your friend to give you flowers.  Yes,  our minds do not want

to accept that our child is dead......it's just too monstrous to face.....especially in the

early times when we feel like robots. We fight against it mentally,...and don't want it

to be real.  They say it's a coping mechanism of the mind. This may be true, but

it doesn't alleviate any of the pain & sorrow, really.  Peace to you.

 

AllenB----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son.  Please come back to this site,

and read/post when you are ready to do so.  Everyone here understands.

 

Dianne-----Yes,  the dates slip up on us, and we "feel" it before our minds acknowledge

it.   Michael's  birthday is soon.  At the beginning of May, I felt a strange sense of sadness...

out of the ordinary......  then I glanced at the calendar, and there was Lisa's birthday.  I visited

her grave and took a single pink carnation.  We always think of our children,  but those

special days are so bittersweet, as memories come flooding in, and tears will fall.

 

Dee------So nice that the kids are making Mothers Day cards. And  the tears you shed

are one more sign that you miss your sweet ERi.

 

Darcy12----I, too, felt as you did when seeing your sweet baby, and you felt as though it

didn't look like her.  (My baby, Lisa, died years ago from accidental choking).  I think that

the mind just does not want to realize the fact that they are gone, and it's no wonder we

would feel that way.  Wishing you peace.

 

Kate----Good to see your post, but so sorry to hear of your husband's eye troubles.  I

am hoping that the outcome will be positive in results.  So nice you went to Jeff's grave.

I hope that there hasn't been anymore theft or vandalism there.  Yes, the feeling of being

overwhelmed with tiredness is so understandable.....especially for you with all that you

and your husband have had to deal with.   Thoughts & prayers.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kate, I am not sure what religion you are or what you might believe in but there is a monastery close to where I am and they are including your husband in their prayers for tonight and tomorrow. 

Sherry, thanks for the kind words. This month must be hard for you also. Lisa's birthday, mother's day, Davey's date  coming... my prayers to you for the strength you need to get through.  You are always so comforting for everyone here, I hope I can telepathically give you and arm around your shoulders.

For all of us---

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way,
to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.

~Jody Seilheimer

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dianne, when I got sick in February -- and two days before I landed in the hospital I saw a distinct red cross formed by clouds/lighting in the sky---I knew something was going to be happening. I pay attention to these types of events now.

Allen, I am sorry for the loss of your son. It does not seem right at all to have this sorrow...may you take care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

eachcarries.jpg

I have come to understand how one shoulders their grief...yet there is a common path where we met and share the  love we have for our children and say their name.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×