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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Rant and Rant Lesley and all those who have seen violence hit their country again. I am sorry. And the word you used, I use each day for I am a swearing woman. It makes no sense to take the lives of others when you are filled by hatred...it is not anyone's fault that you have so much to be angry about, certainly no the folks who had nothing to do with your life. Goodness knows those who die in such a senseless crime are leaving behind thier loved ones for what???FOR WHAT?

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Thanks Dee and Diane for getting my rage. I swear now more than I ever did "before" but normally I do not put bad language in any posts on social media. Today I am calmer and just plain sad.Sad for those lost and injured and sad for their families, and sad for the world we live in because we cannot coexist peacefully as human beings. The "for what" Dee is what drives bereaved people to try to change laws and promote safety issues highlighted by these tragedies. When you lose a loved family member sometimes you are able to be an advocate for someone else to affect positive change whether it be a highway or Amtrak issue, a medication error or hospital mistake,  forming a support group whatever so Good can come out of evil. For many many years in the UK we always used to say  "Love trumps hate"  (Trumps is a well known card game and the ace is known as the trump card because it beats all other cards) but that saying  now has a new meaning since the election, so I will try to adjust my vocabulary in case I accidentally offend anyone. We are NOT doing politics here!!! It is  interesting how the same thing can mean something else in a different country isn't it? I have had my moments in saying or assuming different things whilst living in the States all those years.

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Thanks. You guys made me cry but helped me out a lot.

Tommy's mum lesley?  I swear all day everyday and I find the f word most expressive. I am outraged at all the violence everywhere but when it strikes here or the UK or france it somehow seems so personal and horrific. My ex (forest's dad) lives in Wales. I just went over summer of 15 and visited. I am so sorry to see this. I don't know how to stop it. 

I also have 4 kids forest forever 28 would be 34 and his sister 29 brothers 27 and 24 close to the same set up as yours. I also have no religion. I lack that wonderful faith everyone else hangs on with. I did have a psychic angel lady) give me messages that fit from forest so that helped me a lot. I live on 40 acres of woods so have that close connection with nature.

Thanks again lesley and dianne.

Here is a collage I just finished. Don't seem to want to do anything else.

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Tobyfreefoot I love that collage you are very talented. Glad you had a good old weep that is therapeutic in itself but it also makes you feel drained doesn't it? My son is 20, my daughters are 22 and 24 Tommy had just turned 24 in the same August he died. I don't work out how old he would be now it is too painful, so to me he will always be 24.

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Hello to my Indigo family, 

I haven't been on here in months.  With the loss of mom 2 mths ago and Ricky's 1st angelversary coming up next month I'm a complete mess.  I'm having tons of health issues on top of it all.  Just want to stop by and wish everyone here lots of love and know that you're not alone.  20170105_175012.jpg

This is mom with her great grandson.  

The next 2  is of Maddox for his 3 mth pics.  I so love him! <3

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This one is my new tattoo I had done out of my mom's ashes to honor her.  

Sure do wish I could turn back time and tell them that I love them one more time. :(

 

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Wendy, so good to hear from you.  Maddux is a charmer. That ticking clock that  approaches that marker date is brutal but Ricky, your twins and your mom are reflected in those big, bright shining eyes on your grandson.

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Dianne thx.  He is my only joy but daughter won't let me see him.  I'm just so tired of pain.  Been going through mom's things today and just lost it.  I miss Daniel, Danielle, Ricky, mom and my dad so much.  It hit me the other day that I was an orphan! :'(

I hate it that everyone is here going through so much pain! However, I'm happy I made it here to vent and know that everyone understands me! 

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Gretchen, I LOVE your collage. I adore the colors and the joy that springs from your work. I read what you said yesterday but had no time to write...my thinking is that when we find ways to stop the horrid pain, it is complete joy to our beloved kids, no matter where your beliefs lie. Their hope would have to be almost exactly what our hope for them would be if the tables were turned...think about what you would hope for your Kids if you left early...that they could sense your love in all they do, that they know that you are rooting for them and that they find as much joy in the world and in it, remember your love, take it with them everywhere they go. That is what our Kids want for us. Hanging onto the deep and darkest parts of their lives/deaths, isn't the essence of them. Hanging onto the laughter, the games, the music, the passions that helped them be so full...that is their essence.

Peace Dearhearts

Wendy, that little Maddox is beautiful. Hang on Wendy, you never know when someone has a change of heart and decides that you need to be a part of their life again.

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Does anyone know where Susan is?

Laurie, how are you?

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Wendy the baby is beautiful. I hope someday you will be able to spend time with him. Years ago my sister in law had an encounter with a man in an elevator who had just lost his father and they both realized they were orphans. It must be an odd sad/lonely feeling. I'm sorry for this on top of the rest. 

Dee thanks for the praise. Here are the other 2 collages I have done since being on disability and wreath/pics for roadside site.

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Christophersmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Christopher, so recently.

As others have said.......there is little that one can say.  The pain is so great, that it's

hard to make it from one minute to the next when it is so recent.   Please, just come back

here and post/read when you feel that you can.  When you are on this site, you are with

people who totally understand.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Gretchen------I just love the collages......they are stunning.  Thanks for posting them.

 

Silky-----I am sorry for you loss of your dear son.  Please come back......everyone here

understands.  We're here to understand and help, if we can.

 

Wendy----Good to see your post.   Thanks for posting the lovely pics.  I love seeing

the photos.

 

PEACE   AND  COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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Sherry, what is new with you...all well? Are the crops being planted in your neck of the woods?

Gretchen, I love all three collages, the clothing on the clothesline is a delight. Your florals are lovely.

Silky, I remember those early days, when going somewhere took me from my deep seat in grief for a tiny moment, if only to pay attention to something else for a bit of time, but returning always meant returning to the last place I shared with my Daughter...but the sharpness of that ache will get less so with time, not fast by no means, but eventually. The first year for me was filled with sharp pain adn hair-pin turns of emotions. That is what going through grief is like...One piece of advice that many books will express; don't make any huge decisions in that first or second year of grief, there is already so much change in your life/lives, so don't make more. Many folks want to move when they lose someone...it often isn't the best thing to do. Sometimes we just need to find ways to be in our lives, as painful as they become, and struggle our way through time until we can find small bits of sunlight again. You will too, we have and you will too.

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Wendy. Maddox is adorable.It must be so painful not to be allowed to see him, I'm sorry. I also really like your tattoo that you got to honour your Mum. I have not yet found a design that "speaks" to me to honour my Tommy. I have looked at hundreds of designs over many months but feel I will recognize the one I am supposed to have. My whole family are anti tattoos so it will need to be hidden, also for jobs in the future. It will a tattoo for me not for anyone else so I don't feel the need to show it. i also want to have my  other 3 kids honoured in it because all my children are equally important to me.Sounds like you have really been hit hard with sadness recently. Losing a parent must be hard I don't know because I am lucky to still have both of mine, but I am also very close to them and see how a major loss of either or both would be very painful.Once you have been unfortunate enough to lose a child not a lot else seems to matter, however when there is another death in the family it brings up a lot of stuff/feelings that were thought buried. Death is a natural part of the circle of life, we all grieve because we just wanted longer with that person.

Gretchen keep using your talents to bring beauty into people's lives, it is healing for everyone.

To all our other Indigo members, stay strong, keep sharing, and hugs

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My husband gets upset with me and thinks in over sensitive when I get quiet when he plays a lot of murder ballads and songs about death. I can't help but think of forest when the lyrics go on about being cold in the ground or never coming home again. We just had a big fight because he kept asking what was wrong and wouldn't drop it then got mad when I told him all those songs caused me to think a lot. He thinks there is something wrong with me. Is there? I have never liked those kinds of songs and really hate them now

 

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Gretchen, there have been other times when he has been insensitive to your heart...so I would say to him, I can turn the channel when a song comes on the radio whose lyrics are hard on my heart, but I just need you to know not to sing those songs around me. Passive aggressive! So what if you seem over-sensitive? I know that I am and probably always will be since Erica was killed. I really hate it when folks say: "What a train wreck" while describing something unpleasant, and I sit there thinking, do you know that My Daughter died when a train wrecked into her car? No, I do not think there is anything wrong with you,

 

Dianne, what a pretty screen shot. I love all the ways you have provided comfort to our Newbies lately. Look at how you are using your heart to help others.

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Deep Beats

She is a deep beat in my heart,

a part of my everyday,

a cause for my tears -both joy and ache,

she is the breath in

and the long sighs.

 

That deep beat in my heart,

that was added when she left,

is evidence of her presence,

protected always

in my promise to carry her everywhere

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Dear Dee. Thanks. You know it wasn't one song. We were in his truck and he was playing an entire CD of murder ballads from the 20s and 30s. I was just biding my time waiting for it to be over. I was just quiet thinking of cold ground and death and forest and he just wouldn't quit needling me about what was wrong until I told him then things went crazy from there. Seriously as I yelled **** you and tried to jump from the moving truck but the door was locked lol. I realize I am still effected from ptsd but I have been feeling really well and doing much better but once again he pushed me close to the edge. I'm not trying to be melodramatic and I am not that over sensitive really but Jesus give me a break. If he just would have left me alone we would have got to town got out of the truck and moved on. Anyway thanks for your thoughts and your lovely poem. Peace out

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Gretchen that is really quite bizarre on his part. And just not nice. Sending gentle thoughts. 

Thanks Dee for the poem.

I still read here, I am sorry there are so many newcomers. May you find rest and comfort in the days ahead...

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Still reading here, Ricky's Mom, what a lovely pic of your mom!

Tommy's mom, quite honest I swear now more than ever. Especially right after Jesse's passing and the trial. period I think that the intense pain brought it out...it was not at anyone, just swearing, especially when I was alone I would have swear fits -- that I had to be here, and my son was not. Every thing seemed so hard -- so insurmountable. This world seemed like a totally foreign rock, and what the hell was I doing here? I felt and still do, feel displaced in this world. I have not accepted Jesse's passing, neither do I plan to as long as I am alive.

I guess some would ask: Why? The answer I would give, is because I can...

...I got a kick in the ass from the universe...he did too. Again, for me,  I don't think that there is any merit in total acceptance of what has come to pass...but if someone else takes a different path...it is all ok...this is just for me. 

I recently just viewed "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon. I did not realize it was based on true story of a man losing his wife. I thought it was unusual that the movie's main character actually described grief as it really is, without the usual super annoying platitudes. The real man, Benjamin Mee is from France, and there is a book he wrote. I might try reading it.

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Thanks, Dee.  I just wanted to let those who helped me in the beginning and continue to help, as well as those who are new, (and remind me how far I have come) how much sharing helps. I know I am a LONG way from handling my feelings but I have made some progress.  Like Laurie says above, I too am never going to accept the loss of my son but I am trying to learn to live as best I can because Michael is my heart. But  I know that Tim, Heather and Piper deserve to have me as present as I can be. I never want Heather to feel like the "left over" child. Your poem, as touching as always, says it way better.  It is beautiful in carrying Erica in your heart.  I am trying to make up with some of the graphics Michael used to do for me.  I am no where close to really accomplishing anything but the spirit is there.

Gretchen, I totally understand your upset with  that type of music.  It is so hard.  Music was always a big part of my life---from teenage angst to my loss---but it is hard to find what doesn't get to me.  If is is sad or dark I cannot handle it, if it is upbeat, I don't want to listen. My soul yearns to find its place.  Your pictures are so pretty. Looks like your soul is making its way.

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Laurie and Dianne, acceptance for me has never meant that I am aligned with Erica leaving the way she did, at that young age. I accept the reality of her leaving, and I accept that I will always miss her, always carry her, and will one day see her again. I accept that life has continued to go by and that in it, some lovely joyful events...and in each of those I thank Erica and wish she were here: physically here, so that we could celebrate those good things together. I accept that no matter how much time passes, I will miss her fully, and will talk to her each day. I will always ask her to help direct my days, help me to make good decisions. That is just my take on acceptance.

Dianne, I am happy that you are feeling some of the healing that happens when you reach out to those who need your words/your care.

I know that our Children love us, and I know that our hearts are full even when broken.

Love to you Each, and hope for us all in our ache and loss.

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Acceptance is an emotive word isn't it? I agree with you Dee I have accepted my Tommy's death and that he will not be coming back but I will see him again in another life. i accept there will always be a piece missing in our family and that there will always be a before and after the accident.Your words are spot on.

Gretchen I too am affected by music and lyrics sometimes they are just too close to the bone for comfort aren't they? Sometimes music helps depends on how I feel at the time.I think it is good to let your husband know how you feel and try to be away when he plays the music that makes him feel better. You are just grieving differently that is all and thats ok. I am surprised constantly by the unpredictability of emotion it hits like a tidal wave and you never see it coming. Being back in the USA has sparked a lot of memories mainly happy ones, and it is safe being with dear friends who knew and loved my children throughout their childhood. We have had some sad times together but its all therapy!

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Thanks everyone for your kind words. We have had a long conversation. We were both hurt so much by the music incident but I think we understand each other better now.

Speaking of music my favorite Dylan song is on the radio-it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry

Tommy's mum-it is nice to be with people that remember your kids from childhood isn't it? Kind of a comfort that they knew your child then and they realize how much you have lost. 

I talked to all my kids on messenger tonight. My somewhat estranged younger son contacted me first. Sent me a funny French pop music video to cheer me. And I had a dream of forest last night. One of the only ones I've had. I was buying some stuff for him and was loaning him money to buy an engagement ring with black stones like maybe black sapphires in it. That was all but I got to talk to him in that old familiar relaxed way we had and I got to sit next to him. So I feel pretty fulfilled tonight having heard from all my kids 

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