momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

60,375 posts in this topic

Becky sorry you are having eye problems, having a physical ailment surely does not help when you are going through getting your life back together after a loss. I am sure attending the funeral of your friend was difficult too because it brings up memories again. Sharing your signs is also positive thanks.

Cher pretty much all I can say is 1) Remind yourself it is not forever, it is just for right now. You will see your son again,one day i promise. Ryan is by your side always and in your heart.

                                              2) Try to just breathe. Sounds stupid but I could not catch my breath properly for months there was a permanent lump in my throat and I felt I could not ever get enough air in. Put your hands on either side of your waist, close your eyes and try and deep breathe in and blow hard out of your mouth imagining blowing out those feelings of anger or panic or stress. Do it several times until you feel calmer. May want to be sitting down. it makes you lightheaded sometimes.

                                                3) repeat out loud to yourself "I am ok I. will be ok .it's gonna be ok". you can help yourself by repetition and self belief. Remember you are in control of you, and you can, with plenty of practise ,talk yourself down from an anxiety or panic attack.

                                                4) take a multi vitamin and mineral every day. grief does all kinds of weird to your body and not caring about eating is common causing a deficit in nutritional value. Try and drink milk or drink a build up protein shake or smoothie if your stomach is in knots and you can't eat. My hair which has always been very thick and fast growing began to fall out because I was not eating right but after a couple months of taking a supplement it began to grow again and I felt better in myself and more able to cope.

                                                  5) You can never cry too much it's ok. Also there may be times that you just feel completely numb and uncaring of anything and that is kind of normal for grieving too. Go with it and don't try and force your feelings down. If you have somewhere private and open where no one can hear you, scream out loud as much as you want. I found screaming very therapeutic and only neede to do it on two occasions but boy did I feel better for it.

                                                   6) Talk, share with a friend/family/counsellor, write, sing ,whatever, but put your feelings into words acknowledging them. Sharing is really really important.

Dianne I love that you heard that voice of reason from your son telling you eternity is forever and that your family needed you. That was what it took to help you find the strength to carry on and live and that is powerful.

Dee I quote you here because you nailed it when you said

On 3/6/2017 at 0:41 PM, ericasmom said:

 I had to live as best I could as I inched along trying to scratch out a life again....I was so bruised and broken at that junction. Like you, like all of us who suffer this horrid event in our lives, we are broken. It takes time to put our pieces back together again, and they will never fit as they once did, but they will fashion themselves in a form that you will come to love again. Promise.

 

Silky hang in there you are doing ok just keep on focusing on an hour at a time and then it will be another day and so on and so on it will get easier but it does take time.

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WEll thank you Lesley, I knew back those many years ago, that I had to find a purpose again, that being alive meant I had to live my best life, stand where Erica could no longer stand, and let my tear-stained life stand for something.

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Today I feel like I need a vacation from this rollercoaster. I miss riding the little boats in "It's a Small Small World"

Every change that has come at us since Nathan passed feels like a freight train right through the middle of whatever we are trying to rebuild. One week after he passed, they started construction on a new playing field, tennis courts and running track for the high school that lasted 5 months of big vehicles, moving earth, sounds and smells starting at 7:00 am every day often until long after supper at 19:00... Then my mom got diagnosed with lung cancer right before Christmas, and now we lost 1/4 of our roof from the massive wind storms yesterday. So now we need to replace the entire roof.  Money is already tight from funeral expenses, lawyer fees and medical bills... It all feels so monumental, where I used to be able to work through these things in stride. It's so exhausting and some days I just can't handle it but there is no one else who can do it for me so I keep plodding along.

I need a month where nothing drastically changes. Apparently, that's too much to ask.

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A vacation from the hardships of life! Wouldn't that be grand? I live in the midwest too Divianz, lot's of roofing materials around town, glass, telephone lines, I am sorry that you lost part of the garage roof. Will insurance help out at all? If not, time to call out the neighbors for some good old fashioned help out thy neighbor. I don't know if that is an option, but if it is, take all the help you can get. Many of us feel as you do, one thing after another, and prior to our Child dying, we could take it all in stride, but after a Child dies, nothing comes easily, nothing allows the strength back in our bones and blood again...but time. Give yourself the time you would advise a close friend or family member if they too went through  what you are. We are terribly hard on ourselves, expecting so much from the broken pieces of our soul. Repair comes hard, but it does come. I stay here to make sure that you know that there are those of us long on this road who believe in the process of healing. We will always ache over these losses, they are life changing, but you will learn to incorporate them into your life. We morph into a person whose hearts had to be rebuilt and as I have said many times here on this site, that we grow our hearts even bigger in order to carry all that we have lost right next to all that remains. I liken it to a nest in our hearts, a shelter of sorts. It becomes a lovely thing that we always wear, our special angels sitting snugly with us in all we do.

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Dee, these were exactly the things I needed to hear today.

It's the house roof, and insurance will cover it, minus the grand for a deductible.  It's so funny though because I'm worried more about the sounds and smells and time that strangers will be around my house more than I am about the money. So weird what freaks us out after trauma like we've had. It's not that I care about the money, it's that I care about my peace and quiet. The winds yesterday unnerved me, not because of their destruction but because of the noise.

Thank you so much for these words. I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow and going to go into the studio to indulge myself in art. That's my zen place right now, headphones on, wheel spinning, just me and the moveable clay. 

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Devianz, I can so relate to what you said.  For more than a year I really had a difficult time around other people--panic attacks, crying, you name it.  I worked from home so that helped with that.  I could stretch myself through conference calls but then no one saw me on the other side. I had to travel to Houston one week a month and the plane ride was horrible because of so many people in such tight quarters.  I only went to the grocery store at 6:30AM so the number of people was minimal and could usually make it until I got home.  I never went out to eat as that was just not possible. Every little thing seemed to get to me.  So many things just seemed to go wrong like a domino effect. I am sort of better now, kind of a work in progress.   I have gone to restaurants but not a favorite thing. I can go to a store but still try to avoid prime times. Hardest thing for me is my daughter moving across the country. She is my oldest and only.  She has a little girl that is and will always be our only grandchild.  My husband and I were all set to go wherever they ended up except she went to an area where we could not handle the winters, the elevation or the desolation.  That is a big sorrow for us-me especially. Hopefully, her husband's job will allow him to move from there as soon as a GM job opens and we are GOING.  Its strange how things just get to you but I think Dee offered a good explanation. Just wanted to tell you that things you are facing are so difficult but a part of this grief.   We had the brutal winds yesterday too. Lucky us, we lost part of our fence so now another major project.  Always seems like these last 2 years have been one thing after another.  But,Take Care and Peace and Comfort to you.

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That's how I feel too, Dianne.  It's just one thing after another some days. Other days I feel like it's been awhile since I had too much on my plate.

I'm like you, I work from home most of the time. I try to go in to work one day a week at least but most weeks I don't. The nature of my jobs is one where I don't have to be there, so it's been a big blessing for me. I go to the grocery store at like 2AM too! It's so quiet and no one there.  I love it, just me and the stockers.

I'm sorry that your daughter has to move so far away.  I'm going on a plane to Portland for the big Ceramics conference there and I purposely took flights that were long stop-overs in Denver so I have time to get off the plane and get to somewhere quiet.  I also paid an extra $150 for first class so I don't feel so cramped. I think it will be worth it. Luckily, my sister lives in Portland and I am staying with her at her home or I wouldn't go at all. She's a social worker and a blessing to me.

Hopefully you'll get to visit often with your grandbaby and daughter if you can't be there all the time.  If not, maybe you can connect through Skype or Facetime and read beadtime stories or just visit face to face. Sometimes that is a comfort if you can't be there. My son's grandparents are 3000 miles away and they Skype us regularly just to feel like they are here.

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i attended a paternity and grandparents access rights hearing yesterday . if you remember , jake was murdered when he had an 8 day old son . the ( suspected ) accomplice in this murder was sitting in court ashen faced if not horrified . she is about to break and ive always been a firm believer that timing is everything . i " good copped " her . made her think i was her friend . she is now off balance . she has always respected and trusted me . she hasnt a clue how deceptive i am being forced to appear . 

to forgive is divine , but vengeance is mine .. ( alice cooper and slash ) great rock , check it out..

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Devianz and Dianne, I have needed things to be quieter in my years since Erica died, hard since i teach 3rd grade, not very quiet job, but I think my walks are that for me now, a chance of quiet, just my steps and the trees and birds and the sunrise or sunset or high sun of lunchtime, depending on when I am walking.

Sleep well Everyone...a long day here but I am glad to read you all.

Bob, so good to see you and wow! things are progressing on the case, I am so glad of that for you.

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Bob,glad to hear that there is progress for you. That little guy needs a safe home and a chance to know all about his father. Hoping the outcome

is everything Jake would want.

Devianz, my daughter moved 7 months after we lost Michael so it was pretty hard. Glad my SIL has a good spot with the company and we would have moved also except the location is just not doable. Plus he knew he did not expect to stay there. We do Facetime with Piper and she grows everytime. She loves to talk on the phone. She always has. The day before Michael died was Thanksgiving and she talked to him on the phone. She was only 18 months and you could not make out a word but they had a long conversation. That is a good memory.

 

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Dianne, have  you seen the new 6 minute short animated  film called PIPER? It is about a baby sandpiper, so beautiful. Your Grandgirl may get a kick out of the name. I have a Great Niece two days older than my Grandgirl, named Piper.

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Bob, when will this continue? Is  your lawyer hoepful?

Diane

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Devianz------I , so, understand your need for solitary time.  After the loss

of my son in 2003,  (and my baby daughter years ago), I think I became sort of

a solitary person.  I am not a hermit;   and have other grown children.....

but I spend a good deal of time with my home activities.  I believe that your

work with ceramics to be a great help to you and your wish for quiet time.

I don't blame you for the flight arrangements you chose.........I guess that we need to do

whatever it takes to somehow try to keep ourselves in balance on this rough journey.  Peace to you.

p.s.   I've always wanted to visit Portland, Oregon.  My sister went there once, and

I asked her if she liked it.......she said    "No,.........too many  "tree huggers" .  :(  

 

Dianne------It's good that you are able to work from home.  I think that as grieving

parents we try to keep our heads above the flood of grief.  Being around too many other

people is very stressful.   Just the noise of everyday talk and activities causes stress

and a feeling of being off-kilter somehow.  Take care.

 

Tommysmum------Thank you for those very good tips.  I need to be reminded, and

these are things that can make this road a little easier.

 

Sorry for all the people in the path of the violent storms in the Midwest.

 

PEACE    TO    ALL    INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

Edited by daveydow1

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just can't believe it I replied to the posts you put up for me and there not there again. Contacted the site and it's because I write when I'm in bed at night I'm always so very tired but it's my only chance , and I must be falling asleep before I press 'submit' so typical of me. I hope this hasn't been happening a lot to me but not sure as I haven't been checking.   Sorry though. 

Thank you for your heartfelt words and replies Dee, Sherry, Diane and Leasly sorry for the delay I don't know what I'd do without my friends on here. I keep thinking I should be better than I  am 30 months today and it still feels like yesterday I've been having flashbacks just awful I keep asking God why but I get no answers. I still haven't dreamed about James or seen him in a dream I wish that could happen so much every since I've read all the different accounts on here. 

I lit a candle in church for all our Angels yesterday I think of them all together like us sorry I do write much I feel I need to try more ..

 I'm doing ok just getting through each day at work and then straight to the grave, I feel peace there, I sit and cry and think and just listen, my Robin will appear and sit with me, it always stops raining as soon as I arrive even if it's pouring down driving over, strange that, but it gives me the time I need after coping all day. 

God Bles xxxx hugs and as always Thank you for being you x 

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All, just a note to say I am doing okay. I am sorry for all the new parents here, I send you all gentle thoughts at this difficult time. 

I am including a link to the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter for Bereaved Parents. This April they are having their first conference in Scottsdale Arizona. 

http://us5.campaign-archive2.com/?u=d2de0c3d7d15b79c2cac9269f&id=8507ae57b2&e=75b92583f5

Thanks Dee and Sherry for all your dedication to this site. 

****************************************************************************************

Excerpt from an article in the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter

Written by  Beth D'Angelo - Helping Parents Heal - Hawaii Affiliate Leader

Death did not take away being his mother nor did it separate our love.  We carry our children with us in our voices, our thoughts, in the work we do with our hands and in the heart consciousness of being vulnerable, real and authentic in the presence of another.  I have changed my way of understanding what I now know; I have no regrets or resentments in the life I continue to share with Sean.  Life happened. My heart broke. I lost my smile and found it again.

I enter the rooms of loss and cry hard. I walk out of those rooms and bring love and hope to others until it is my time to return to those crying rooms. I go there because I can. I walk out — because I can. It wasn't always like this, but I have cultivated a life that makes it possible to live inside my story with grace and meaning.  I share my time with another mother who has lost their beloved child because every time I am in their presence, I see myself.  I see where I was and where I am today and if I can hold a torch for another to light their way, I am passing on the gift of hope that was given to me on one cold February night, when my light dimmed.

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And thank you Laurie for your constant hand-up to parents new to this site and to all of us oldies as well. I miss seeing you here, hope that you are okay, but I know that life changes have caused you to be busier than usual. I think of you often and say a prayer.

 

Sherry it is cold and our magnolia tree is trying to bloom a month early due to the warmth it soaked up a few weeks ago. I worry that if she tries to bloom now, the whole tree will have wasted her energy as we are in for at least 5 days of very cold and possibly snow, which we have lacked all winter.

 

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Georgina, I wonder if you aren't finalizing your responses due to falling asleep. Never worry about responding back...I think we all know that life has been mighty heavy lately in your life. I just like to know that you are out there. Is spring weather making itself to you? YOu know that not dreaming about James or seeing him in a dream will happen likely one day...but the fact that a robin continually hangs out with you and that the driving rain lessens when you get to the cemetery is a sign. Even though you feel peaceful at the cemetery, I think it may be important for you to know that you are not letting go of James if you don't go to the cemetery. Sometimes we get in our habits and we fear breaking them, as though that will cause something more??? Though again, I get it that it is peaceful there. I find the place Erica is buried is peaceful too, but I only go about 6 times a year now. In the summer I bring a lawn chair and hang out under the three oak trees that she is near. I draw and write and just talk to Her there...but I talk with Her everywhere.

I received a lovely message via email from a former student who is now a sophomore in college. He and I met up for coffee when he was a junior in H.S. as he was struggling to find out what he should do about college. He spent a year at a community college nearby but then went down to Carbondale, Illinois;  Southern Illinois University. He loves it and in his note he mentioned Erica. He said," I am lucky that my family is healthy and I can reach them whenever I need or want, but I know not everyone has that. I think of you and Erica and how difficult it must be to not have her nearby, but I know you feel her. Your loss of Erica and all of your lessons in third grade remind me to never take anything or anybody for granted, to live each day fully." I feel so lucky today for that message. He lifted my heart and made it smile.

I am wondering about Susan who has not posted in quite a long while. Anyone know where she is or how she

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Dee Thankyou. You give so much to us all always and it helps so much. 

Pits the 11th today and we always go to the scene on this date.  So very hard but we put flowers and little things that mean so much . It's the worse place on earth to me but the last place My beautiful gentle James was alive and so important to mark.  Also the driver who killed him passes as he drives his killing machine that way and I hope and pray it makes him think 'what did I do'. 

Our solicitor wants a meeting soon it a eight hour drive there and back so exhausting without going through the details I just hope we're able to get this longed for justice for James soon it's wearing me out. 

Dee I wondered could you put your 'shining light' picture up again it gave me such hope I thought the newly bereaved parents might like to see it. May I copy it and print it I'd like to put it in a frame xx thank you Dee. Xx

Diane 30 months for us today and I'm a mess I wish I was doing better but I keep getting flashbacks of the worst details it's killing me.  Do you sometimes think how on earth am I still here. I'm scared I'm going to get ill but I get up and take those first steps and keep going step by step. Xx

Laurie did you have the link to the story of the mum who lost her children in the fire. I found her keynote speech so inspiring and grounding and I would like to read it again. Thank you x

God Bless everyone be safe xxxx

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i think the attorney and possibly the judge knows something that the ex and i arent privvy too . it is their stated intention to drag this paternity hearing out because they believe arrests will be made before the paternity issue is concluded . i love to kid with our chief detective . i told him yesterday that ive fashioned an electric chair out of a 2001 camaro bucket seat . if it werent for the little bit of wry humor that i can occasionally muster i truly believe my heart would have already blew .

im horrified at the thought of raising a baby at my age but it could very well become a reality . 

 kinda funny in a sad way . our little hearing was attended by 4 police officers . they freaking knew that there were grieving parents sitting in the same courtroom with the prime murder suspect ( s ) . their ( the police ) actions spoke volumes to me ..

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ex failed a urine screen ( weed ) . i told the girl attorney that anyone dealing with what ex and i are dealing with would probably find themselves self medicating too . the atty agreed that she had been there ( her mothers death ) and did exactly that . we are just humans , not supermen and women . 

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i SO lied under oath . i told the court that i have no animosity towards the r***** . the judge knows what i was up to -- good copping the person who can bust this premeditated assassination wide open . 

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Hoosier guy -- my sister in law and myself are in the same boat. 

Right after my son passed my grandson was born 4 months later. On May 15, the bad mom dropped him off (abandoned) him on my doorstep. I raised him from there but now the mom has decided after 3.5 years of being absent that she wants to be the primary and we are fighting her tooth-and-nail.

I have confidence in you! You can do it!

Georgina, peace to you as you continue the search for justice for James. I would have to check on the video. 

Also BECKY!!! great sign from Jared. 

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abandonment is about as tolerated as punching a judge in the face . i think you'll win this laurie . 

our justice system drives you nuts sometimes with their deafening silence but i still have great faith in them . 

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my ex has tried to be the hero and paint me as uncooperative , uncaring and uncouth . woops . she has remarried and no longer has a stake in our surname . guess whos driveway she had to traverse monday evening to beg for my help lest her case be tossed out of the courtroom .. 

old " cappy " played the hardass too . sent her on her way with no promise . 

i showed up for jake and nick , and maybe that cuteassed attorney .. 

life hurls sht on a steady basis but usually from one or two specific directions . i hurl in a 360 and everybody gets a face full ..

ive been self employed for years and if you dont have guts you get trampled . 

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Bob sounds like the case is moving on I really hope you get justice and I cannot imagine how hard it must be to good cop that person. To have a baby in your life again would be good but would also take some adjustments. Laurie I did not realise you have a grandbaby that you raised too. I hope you can keep him in the family he has only known. Inheavenskeeping sorry you are having flashbacks so distressing. The grief road is full of bumps that catch us unaware and make us fall to our knees again but you get up again with skinned knees but not broken and that is the strength you have learned. I guess talking to the solicitor has brought up "stuff" and your mind is reacting. Not surprising that you are worn out its been a long time with no justice. dee magnolia is one of my favourite trees such stunning beauty. I hope the cold weather does not freeze the coming blooms. My friends house is in PA we have had a little snow which quickly melted but expect a winter storm on tues with 6 or mor inches which will damage her magnolia tree.I confess to being a tree hugger! Devianz one of the reasons I cut music out of my life for so long was the desperate need for quiet because my brain was so chaotic. Some days I could not even manage the tv it really disturbed my equilibrium. I image that is what it is like to be autistic, overwhelmed by noise sounds people conversation the phone etc. It was a dark time but I am learning to let music in again now. Hugs to you all there is much going on for everyone but I am hearing snippets or nuggets of hope and possibility that may change your lives in new positive ways.

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