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Loss of an Adult Child

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the belligerance  stage of grieving ( unofficially ) comes right behind the " pounding some lowlife thru the grates of a floor drain with a well used brick hammer " mini stage ..  . 

my 30 something yr old va therapist is going to hurt as badly as i will when we eventually part . for her efforts , i always try to make sure she has some laughs out of the session too .. 

i , at my age , understand giving as well as receiving .. 

ive done those three mindbreaking hepc treatments over the last 20 yrs and had therapists try to get me thru it multiple times . i love them and weve always had fun . up to 45 % of interferon treatment based  hepc patients wiped out of the program for phsyc breakdowns . damn have been there . its not only comical looking back on it but it was comical at the time . 

im no stranger to taking life one day at a time but this loss of my kid has been like hacking off the lower part of my body and then telling me to take it one day at a time .. 

i will do that but with more wry humor than the knee slapping variety . 

the best i can do right now is ( and jake would approve ) is wish in hindsight that jake would have started off with smaller bullets till he'd  built up a bit of an immunity . 

sorry . jake and i were all about humor . the more tasteless and irreverant , the better ..

its who we both are , and both of us are here tonight .


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One does not become known as the 'grieving parent'....but grief does change...that is why I call my grief ..the grief journey...where I started on this journey is not where I am now.....but grief does change you. It can be a slippery slope in not becoming bitter. I am not a better person because I lost John David...I was a pretty good person anyway...but I do have a deeper layer of empathy and compassion than I have ever had. I do not know how to explain it...it just is.

   I had to 'cocoon'....I cancelled every civic and social event..and stopped all my responsibilities to organizations....that was the best thing I did for myself. In this 4th year of the grief journey...I still have not re-joined but I have gone to some social/town events.

There simply is no right way or wrong way...you are the Star of your movie....the main character of your book...the bad news is time flies...the good news is you are the pilot.

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Hello   to   all   INDIGOS.........the board is quiet at  these  few days.......I ,  so,  understand.


Hoosierguy........I'm glad that you have come back to this site.  We, as parents, need all

the help we can get, and there is likely no place else where you will  get the compassion

and understanding that you can get here.  Wishing you, so very new on this sad road,

peace & comfort and strength.


Davey &Lisasmom,   Sherry

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To all my BI friends 

You have kept me afloat for the last two years.

May peace present itself more and more with every new day. 




christmas missing.jpg

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i just feel kind of sad today . not really lonely -- not that crazy about people anyway . its just that my hopes for jakes future are gone . i live in a badass little miniature castle and my hopes were to turn it over to jake and his ( hopefully ) young family and retire my old nonsense back to the basement bunker . my future is the least of my concerns . i have quite a survivor mentality and sadly with jake gone -- surviving is about all ill be doing .. my life has been , like anyones , a few rough patches but mostly great , really . jakes life was intended to BE the future . im at a loss for a deserving heir right now . because of a divorce , my oldest son lives near chicago right now with his new wife and his two kids live in florida with their mother . maybe a few more years will see one of them living here . i also have jakes 3 month old son who lives only a few miles away . anything could happen concerning that situation . his parents " could " be jakes killer and accomplice . my ex would battle to the death for the opportunity to raise young nick -- so -- this could get interesting . ex is in possession of jakes motorcycle trike , i have my own , then another thats  never really had a purpose yet . two road ready spare trikes and two grand sons is what im getting at . maybe someday these hills will echo out with " big twin " engine racket again someday . 

its hard to dream when your original dream has just been deleted with no chance of modifying it and moving on . 

just . terminated ..

btw . jake could build you a house from the ground up -- frame it , plumb , wire , brick or stone it , and rebuild your engine or transmission in the meantime if that became necessary . all at the age of 28 . his expertise and knowledge are virtually irreplacable and our county has lost one of its brightest . the killer , on the other hand , needs his ability to distribute his worthless seed removed from this county hopefully forever . 

i love my county , is what im saying and was trying with everything i had to in

improve it ..

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Becky the tree is beautiful I love the thought that JDis watching and part of what your doing xx. Your new grand daughter is such a picture God Bless her xx 

Dee thank you for your words of support couldn't of survived without it xxx

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Peace and hugs to all my friends on this site. Your have helped me survive this journey of grief so far and given me hope.  Thank you Xxx

God Bless all our Angels in Heaven xx 

I thought I would share this xxx





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Thank you Georgina, Dianne, and Dee, Sherry, Susan... for your posts. My wish for everyone here is that the next few days finds you comforted by the best memories that you cherish of your child. Also, that you will be surrounded by the love and support of those family members who are still here with us. Love to you all, Kate

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Thank you Georgina for sharing the poem.

Also, Dianne, I like the first picture you posted, I saw that the other day and liked it. 

Hoosier Guy, I do get some of what you are saying. Especially after mounting a manhunt for the girl who killed my son.

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Merry Christmas to all here. I know it doesn't seem merry or happy particularly in the first few years, but I promise you, it will get softer with time. 

I lost my youngest child in 2011. He was only 15, and I still miss him every day. Bob,I am sorry for the loss of your son, Jake. The driver that hit and killed my boy was distracted from all evidence, but she was never charged, and it has just about broke me. I fought so hard for justice and after two years of that battle and no justice at all, in fact harrassed by that driver to my family, left me quite physically ill and I've been fighting to try to slow the downhill slide ever since. She did more than just kill my son, she has done serious harm to my whole family. I hope and pray for anyone going through this  complicated grief. I can't advise anyone not to seek justice, it is a worthy cause, but remember to self care and lean on whatever support system you have, don't try to go it alone.

We went to my mother's house for Christmas dinner today, and it was good to see everyone and particularly the young ones. I will post a pic of me with my new grandbaby, Libby, only two weeks old. So sweet!IMG_20161224_160720.jpg

I have enjoyed all the poems and songs and pics posted!

My eye feels better, but unfortunately I still can't see any better. Go back in January to see what comes next. 



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thanks becky,

im not really obssessed with thoughts of retribution too much because i know that isnt going to restore the future that i had envisioned . also i really trust our local law enforcement . mostly im looking for a way forward that will make me a positive asset to society yet one more time . this site so far has reiterated to me that im not the only person to suffer such a senseless loss . i believe in going thru life being true to yourself and doing good things -- always with an eye to the future . in time , i believe the good that you did will begin to bring returns . conversely , if you go thru life sowing crap , thats gonna bring returns too -- just much less desirable returns . 

im injured , to be sure , but somewhere close this morning is a person wondering how close the law is to them and at what point should they just eat one of their own bullets . i wouldnt want to be that person . 

peace of mind isnt free -- if you have it , youve had to construct it yourself and you  damn deserve it ..

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Christmas Without You~
Written by Kaye Des'Ormeaux

It's going to be a sad Christmas this year
without your laughter & without your cheer.
I'll miss the sight of you with your Santa's hat,
and the smile you shared from where you sat.
I'll think about all the Christmas's in the past,
and hold to the memories that slipped so fast.
For they're all I have left to remember,
on this sad Christmas morning in December.
I'll think about you and cherish each though;
I'll think of your smile & the happiness it brought.
And as I listen to the church bells ring,
your voice will echo as the choirs sing.
I can never tell you, my love, how sad it will be
to spend Christmas without you here with me.
I just wish you'd touch my heart in such a way,
that I could live through the pain of Christmas Day.
And, help me to remember that your love
is still sent to me from the Heavens above.
And although you won't decorate my Christmas tree,
Your spirit will light the lights for me to see.
Oh, I'll hear your voice in each Christmas song.
I'll see your face in each child that comes along.
And although my heart will be broken and torn...
I'll know you're with Jesus on this Christmas morn.
No, Christmas won't be the same without your smiling face
but I'll know you're in a much better place.
I'll think of my precious child in everything I do...
Cause, it just won't be "Christmas Without You!"
Written by Kaye Des'Ormeaux
Copyright 1998 Kaye Des'Ormeaux

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A sign from my angel? IMG_20161225_120305068.jpg

There is no light source from this direction, this comes from the front corner of the room where Jared's urn is! I'm a believer!!



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Stevesmom----thank you for posting the poem.  Each of us will  especially relate

to the line...."I'll think of  my precious child in everything I do".


Georgina----Such a beautiful Christmas message from each of our special Angels.

Here is one thing I think of.........How quickly we would argue the phrase, if someone

ever said or hinted that our dear angels were not near to us.   They are with us ALWAYS.

Thanks again for the video poem and the screen shot  message. James and baby, Peter

are with you always.   Peace to you.


Kate-----Good to see your post, and thank you for kind words. :) What is your

weather like there, lately?  


Becky-----Lovely pic of you with your sweet little grandbaby girl. Bless her heart.

Take care. 


Bob-------Your loss of your dear son, Jake, is so very recent.......all the feelings that

you are going through are a natural part of the grief process.  I  also had a lot of anger

against the truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel and killed my son in an override

collision.  Angry that he could not even stay awake for his local run.  It is so understandable

to feel the anger and sense of unfairness when our child's life has been taken away by someone

else's negligence.....or intent.  I , so, hope that Jake's killer is apprehended and brought to

justice.  It's what all parents want for their beloved child, who is no longer with them, due to

the fault of someone else.  Wishing you peace, friend. 


Laurie------Yes,...I agree.....it can be difficult to find justice.   I hope you have a blessed

Christmas,  and your Angels......Jesse David, and tiny Angel Taylor are smiling down on you.

I feel my Angels.....Davey,  and  tiny Lisa  are among the host of ALL our Angels who are

smiling down upon us today.  



Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

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Thanks Sherry. I like your descriptions of Jesse and Taylor.

Also, love the photo Becky, not the first time I have seen this type of phenomenon. May you feel comfort this holiday. I saw a picture the other day of a majestic lion it reminded me of Jared.

Mary Ann, thank you for sharing the poem for Steve.

Susan, hope all is going okay for your festivities.

Bob (Hoosier Guy) I appreciate your sharings about your son, Jake. I hope you will find a way that will honor your son eventually. It is a long haul though the court process. It was over 3 years going for us. She is still fighting the case trying an appeal. Becky here had helped me in my case as she mentioned legal aspects of her case that aided us tremendously in winning as I knew what resources I should contact. One thing I can share, was the State Attorney’s office contact told me to always attend every trial date, no matter how small (even status  conferences).

We found that to be true. It was hard to sit and listen to her fabricate stories up to cover her a**. The worst was her trying to flip it on to my son Jesse having to listen to her web of lies in the court proceedings. In the end, I was fighting to protect my son’s honor in his death, something I would do over again even if it meant my own passing. Many people do not get this angle. It was a warrior-like stance -- that was my sacred duty to protect his integrity in his passing when he could no longer speak for himself. Many people that were in my circle then behaved like Job’s comforters – and  tried to make my efforts on behalf of my son a dishonorable thing, disgraceful on their part.  However I think they are the cowards as most of these advice-givers could not go the distance as I had to and they should have just shut their mouths not having a clue.

May you find the answers you need for your son and for his memory. I told my husband your story. His name is Bob too.


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Here is my picture since many have posted theirs -- 

Also my son pics from that April --

And Jesse's favorite past time, working on old cars. He would salvage what he could and resell the parts or vehicle. Also, We were in the process of renovating a lake property when he was killed. You can read his comments. If any wants to share their photos, it might be a healing thing to do.





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ive mentioned to you guys the 3 bad / failed hepc treatments in the past but the one i didnt tell you about was my 4th attempt . within 6 months of moms death the va called and offered me the all new / all oral meds that were and still are working at about a 97 % success rate . i felt  the 40 yr old virus fall on its face only 10 days into the treatment . it was so awesome i cried like an infant for several minutes . i felt the body rushes of o2 coming back into my major muscles . the same evening my windows 9 wiped out 30 yrs of family and masonry pics , lost forever . the next morning at work the doc called -- the bloodwork was back and i was hepc negative . i decided -- screw those pics of the past -- its all about the future now . 

so i dont have many pics anymore . 

im sitting here now wondering if there was a chance that jakes future could have became such a nightmare that an instant death for him right now might not have been better for him ?? after all it was only weeks before his death that he found himself " baker act - ed " and locked up for observation for 2 days . he had threatened to go blow jon's ass off . his priorities werent good sometimes . he was so worried about a new baby but not necessarily showing signs of being prepared to support it financially . he was downright shtting on his employer and missing weeks of work on end . 

im questioning how stable in the head that he was or wasnt . would i rather see him dead or in prison for life ? big coin toss there . 

 what if hed have decided his years of ignoring the irs and chugging pot cigars instead could be blameshifted to me and decided to blow me away ? my choice in this scenario doesnt even require a coin toss . 

 no disrespect to jake . he could be a helpful and loving person -- but -- he could be an irresponsible and  manipulative bully too . 

sorry if that sounds harsh . idealism is fine for those who prefer to hide behind it but i love jake and i deal in facts ( as i interpret them ) exclusively . 


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" bully " example;

the day before jakes murder he had tossed a crackhead girl out of his house . he then decided that he should not only throw her meager belongings in the front yard but put pics of it on loserbook ..

thats uncalled for and downright vicious . it didnt deserve him a bullet in the head but a brick thru his windshield or a punch in the face would have been entirely appropriate ..

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so re ; idealism.

everyone the detectives talk to carry on like jake was an awesome person who surely couldnt have an enemy in the world . 

i want his killer caught so im the guy who has to tell the detectives the other side of the story . he would hurt people and then laugh at their pain sometimes ..

the detectives cant work with touchy / feely idealism . they have to have the undiluted facts ..

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Tried to write this morning, but I could not scroll down to hit submit. so I will try again.

Merry Merry Christmas. I want you each to know that I have thought of you each, your stories, your Children, your lives as you find ways to live anew. That is the story isn't it, the story of renewal, of life in the face of so much loss. We rub the ashes of our stories all over us, they become part of us, we move forward taking our Sweethearts with us because there is no moving forward if we can't find a way to do that. Nope, it is not the future we planned, but what I have learned is not to plan too much, to try to stay in this moment s much as possible, to use my heart in ways that enhance others lives and honors my Erica.

I love the photos from everyone...Boy Laurie, you and your Son look so much alike. Lora, great photos of the family. and Becky, goodness that baby is beautiful. I hope Becky that the doctors will find a way to improve your vision. I am glad to have seen you here today.

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Hey, forgot to say how much I LOVE The photo of Jared's spirit in your photo today Becky. We too have had orbs and spirit-visits in the photos.

Bob, I know what you mean, we try to look at the real persons our Children were/are. Our babies were not perfect, but they were, and always will be loved and nurtured and Lord knows, we will know them for all of time and miss them in all we do.

We spent a lovely time Friday night with my family which is my sisters and their kids and grandkids. One brother and his wife came. My Son and wife and two Grandies and we had a lovely time. The older cousins (great nieces and nephews) put on a play as our kids used to do each year, just so cool to see it continue. On Saturday, we went to my Grandies house just three blocks away and opened gifts and and simply loved our times together, and then out to dinner which was also wonderful as we were guests of my Daughter in law's parents. So today, we went to my husband's mom's senior living center to join with his siblings and their kids for an early dinner. I am selfishly loving the quiet of this evening, my hsuband and me jsut watching tv and chilling.

Weird weather here, warmish temps, windy and rainy, and the temps will only go up tonight with possible thunderstorms tonight. Odd. I like winter to be in the 20's with snow, weatehr that stays one way pretty much for 2 or 3 months. People stay healthier through winter when their bodies can count on consistent weather.

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dont pay too much attention to my current tirade . i have moments of anger , probably just to give some other emotional combinations a rest . a parent who takes parenting seriously can see little flaws in their kids from the earliest age . we know these flaws could cause them unimaginable grief someday if we cant get them on a better path . unfortunately we cant always turn them around . 

my older son will lie to you . ive never been able to change that . it will bite him on the ass so hard someday that there wont be anything left but bootlaces . 

i have a reason for saying that . my first cousin ate a bullet at the age of 34 . when youre forced to figure it out you realize that he just couldnt tell any more lies . he was in the process of cheating on his yet second wife , had a 19 yr old girl pregnant , etc .. he had buried himself in his double life and web of lies ..  ill be the first to admit , im a judgemental d*ck but i really detest dishonesty ..

ps . dont wish us too much of that snow -- i have to work out in this crap all winter . 

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Just going to post a couple pictures. The first apparently my middle son went to the cemetery Christmas eve in the fog. The next Marshall and his girl holding Allison's children. Logan with the girls. And Allison me and my mom. Felt better this Christmas than previously. I think all the new meds and neurotherapy are helping my stay up right. Our old family friend made me this ornament. Finally forest is there with everyone else to share the festivities. I really love it and it was so good for me to look across and see him there. 

I had another angel lady encounter I may have told you. That is quite possibly why Christmas felt better. Love you merry christmas







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Gretchen, I am so glad that you are feeling better this year at Christmas. I think that the work you are doing to find a way to feel better is great, you get to put a bit of control back in your life and get healthier as you do so. The angel lady? Is that the woman who you have gone to see and she holds something of our Beloved to her brow and tells about them? I would love to hear more, tell us more if you can. Man Gretchen, you and your Mom are so so alike in looks. My goodness. Does your Mom live nearby?
 The kids look great, the Boys and the Babies...and the photo from the cemetery in the fog is really pretty. Hooray for Forest smiling out over you all.

Bob, oh I agree...some of the traits our Kids or people in general have are part of their undoing.  I am sorry that your cousin took a bullet, but it does sound as though he could not lie himself out of that mess he was in. I fully agree with you on the topic of honesty and no bull-there is enough in this world that is negative, I do not want to be around humans that add to it. No lies. I  let go of my oldest friend due to her constant lying and twisting of facts. I just could not have her lies in my life anymore...no time for it and absolutely no patience for it. When Erica was killed and I worked my ass off to find my steps and to learn how to live my best life in her light, I lost my patience with those who waste energy...my old friend was one of them.

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