Loss of a Father

[lauraa]

To Everyone here,

Just want to let you all new here to know that you are all in my prayers. Your messages all sound so familiar to me and we all know your pain here. Take one day at a time, one minute, one second. Cry or do whatever you need to do to get thru this. It will take time but know here you can let it "all" out and get support needed. Sincerely, Your all in my heart and prayers.

[gemsab]

Ladies, My heart goes out to all of you and I know everyone grieves differently but I have a concern. I lost my Dad 2 years ago, he was 82 years old and basically just a shell of himself due to a massive stroke. I grieved for him then and sometimes even more so now 2 years later, but my grief is not like alot of you who have posted. Some of you grieve for your dads like I would if it were my hubby who died. I miss my dad but I don't go over the deep end over it. Is there something wrong with me? How come I don't feel anything like you ladies do????? Your feelings seem to be more in tune with my mom that with me. Any thoughts????????

Emily

[yarsa0513]

Butterfly,

I can totally understand.. i lost my father on 6/23.. also totally unexpected and a total shock.. i haven't slept one good night since then and am now getting migraines and breaking out in hives. You can email me if you need to talk.

Sandi

[yarsa0513]

Gemsab,

My only explanation for my intense grief.. is that my father was so young and it was a very unexpected death.. he had recovered from the cancer, and we expected him to live another 20 years. Also, I have alot of guilt for not visiting him over the past six months... I let my life get in the way and now I feel as though I never got to say goodbye. Also, I live so far away from my family, that makes a difference. I think I would feel differently too if my father had been in his 80's and had been ill. Maybe everyone just deals with death differently. This is my first experience of losing someone so close that I really and truly love.

Sandi

[butterfly10954]

Hi My dad passed away a little over a month ago. He was only 57 and it was very sudden and unexpected. He went in for a routine angiogram and stent placement in his heart, and ended up brain dead from a punctured artery and anoxia (no oxygen to the brain). He and my mom were married for 37 years, and knew eachother for 40. My mom doesn't have any other immediate family besides me and my family (dh, dd & ds)now that dad has passed. I feel so sorry for her, and so numb myself. I just can't believe it's happened, KWIM? My dad went from working as a boilermaker working 6 day a week, 10 hours a day, only two months from his planned retirement with my mom, to lying on a slab in some coroner's office. The whys and what ifs are so strong in me too. My dad was symptomless; had no idea he even had blockages in his heart. He went in for surgery on his hand (cysts removed), and the doctor didn't like his EKG and ordered more tests. I can't help thinking that if dad had not gone in for this surgery when he did, he'd still be alive today. Why do things like this happen? Is it just fate that he should have this happen to him? I just don't know. All I know is my mom is very lost right now, and I am trying my best to be there for her. Oddly, I can't seem to confide in her what I'm talking about here. Is it a being "strong" thing? I don't know. I wish I could; I wish we could grieve together, but right now I'm just finding it to hard to do. Thanks for listening, if you got this far.

Linda, San Lorenzo, CA

Linda your situation sounds so similar to me, mydad also died suddenly from a heart attack, and we didn't even know he was having chest pains on and off for a while. He was just too proud to tell anyone, which really stinks, because, like you everyone keeps thinking that if he had gone to the doctor when he first started feeling badly he might still be here today.

But you know what I think? I think that this is just the way he wanted it. He did NOT want to die in a hospital bed, all incapacitated and stuff. This man NEVER went to the doctor, so for all we know there were a million things wrong w/him, and if he had gone to the dr. sooner, they probably would have found all kinds of stuff wrong, and made him go into the hospital for tests, surgeries, etc. This sudden death is so hard on the living, but really it is easier on the one who experiences it, just in my opinion.

Also, as far as being there for your mom, I can relate. My mom and I had serious issues, and so for me it was really hard to comfort her, although during the wake and stuff, I knew I had to, and it just felt weird... I mean forced or something. Plus you have to remember, you are grieving too, and it isreally hard to comfort other people when you yourself are feeling so bad. So don't be hard on yourself, and remember, we all grieve differently. Cindy

[klowieboyz]

Gemsab,

My only explanation for my intense grief.. is that my father was so young and it was a very unexpected death.. he had recovered from the cancer, and we expected him to live another 20 years. Also, I have alot of guilt for not visiting him over the past six months... I let my life get in the way and now I feel as though I never got to say goodbye. Also, I live so far away from my family, that makes a difference. I think I would feel differently too if my father had been in his 80's and had been ill. Maybe everyone just deals with death differently. This is my first experience of losing someone so close that I really and truly love.

Sandi

>>

I know how you feel about the guilt, I'm dealing with that too. I also live away from my parents and now wish I had visited more. Especially during the last 6 weeks of my Dad's life. I knew he had cancer and his time was limited but I never dreamed it would be this limited. I thought we had at least 6 months and we only got two. It also has been bothering me that last Christmas I decided it was too hard to make the trip home....I didn't go. It was my Dad's last one.

Kat

[littlek]

I don't know what to feel. I live in California and my mother lives in Colorado. My father died just the end of last month. He went through 8 months of treatment out of state. Upon his return home, he grew very ill and died just 3 weeks later. I got to say goodby and tell him how I felt, but it doesn't help the pain. I am not back home and everyone thinks I should be back to normal. I don't think my husband understands that I am still very sad. I just feel so bad for my mom. She has been with my dad for 40 years. She didn't know anyone else. There is only my sister and myself, and the two of us live in different states. I want to go back and help my mom. Be with her. I think I have turned off my grieving and mourning during the whole process to help her but now that I am home. I find I am like sad all the time.

It would be easier if I knew that she had my sister or myself near her but she doesn't. How do you get on with your life again? Smile? I feel so guilty knowing that she is in this small town in the middle of no where, by herself.

k

[yarsa0513]

I've decided to move to the town where my mother lives. I can't take being so far away.. I live in New York and my mom lives in Texas. I can't take the guilt of not being there for her.

[gemsab]

Yarsa, I live in the same town as my Mom and I still can't seem to help her. She seems to seek out others and not me. I have a brother and a sister who live only an hour or so away and they get her to do more when they come to town which is NOT all that often. I try and get her out of the house and go to lunch or shoping and she always says "we'll see". And yet others call and she is gone. I feel useless when it comes to helping my Mom out. I can tell her things and she balks at my advice and yet someone else tells her the same thing and the advice then is right on. I am at a loss as to what to do. Maybe I should just back off............I used to think I was close to my Mom but now I am not so sure. I not only miss my Dad but I also miss my Mom.

Emily

[reespirit]

Hi I also want to say sorry to all of those that have lost someone recently. My dad passed away on June 20th the day after Father\'s Day. I am an only daughter in a family of 4 kids and I am also the baby in the family. My mother is home bound most times. She has Osteo Arthritis.

Dad had diabetis. He wasn\'t on insulin,he controlled it with Glucovance and his diet. For the most part he was pretty healthy for his age. He was having a problem with his circulation in his legs. We thought he would lose a toe. I insisted on having him see a Pulmonary specialist. The doctor found he had Perepheral Vascular Artery Disease. The doc wondered how he was getting around as he barely had a pulse below the lower aorta. He had one successful surgery to bring the blood down to the aorta. Then he had to have a second part of the surgery to his legs to replace an artery.While recuperating he became severely infected with MRSA infection. Its a staff infection, resistant to most antibiotics. He then spent 6 weeks fighting the infection, suffering a congestive heartfailure, pneumonia and a reaction to the antibiotics. What would have normally been a few days in the hospital turned deadly when his kidneys shut down Fathers Day weekend.

I am dealing with such grief because my father was then put on a respirator and my mother left all of the decision making on my shoulders. My dad was 82 years old but was very vibrant and alive. He wanted to live to be 100 and spoke of it often. I feel as if it\'s my fault he didnt make it to 100. I know I need to seek some type of counseling. I am generally very spiritual, but to tell you the truth I don\'t \"feel\" him as others say. I keep thinking that he is mad at me and blames me for his death. There are times I second guess myself and wonder what went wrong. To have this wonderful man suffer so. Then there are times I try to realize that he also wasn't caring for himself and was very stubborn about eating and keeping himself hydrated, and elevating his legs.... and sometimes I just have to trust that God knew what was right for Dad. I never thought he would die like he did.

Thanks for giving me a chance to vent. This is a wonderful website. No one is ever ready to lose their father. No matter what the age is. My father will forever be 100 to me.... He was very special~~~Ree~~~

[ang9772]

Hi everyone. I am so glad to find this site. I have not yet lost my father, but it is coming. I am the oldest of 4 children. My mom is 56 and my dad is 59. My dad is dying from chronic liver disease, complicated by Diabetes and ongoing pneumonia that he just can't seeem to shake. His last time in the hospital (12 days) he almost died (early July). Our family is a dysfunctional family if there ever was one. My father drank heavily all of his life and he is paying for it now. I am 38 years old and have forgiven him for everything that has happened. I take him to all of his appintments, was the only one at the hospital every day (sometimes twice and day) and the only one who cried during his hospital stay and still am crying on bad days. I know that my siblings all have issues (he was abusive), but I can't understand the lack of feeling. Anyway, he is hanging in there and I am still struggling with my own emotions and the lack of their emotions. I appreciate any thoughts any one can provide. I really have no one that I can share my sadness and thoughts with that is not judgmental. Thank you.

[zamyrabyrd]

Hi,

I was wondering whether I should look up an online support group for grief. After reading some of the posts, it seems like I came to the right place. I originally looked at the thread for losing a mother but after I read the first post on this thread and seeing it was so similar, decided to reply here.

My father, 76, passed away on April 5th this year. The dysfunction in our family can compete with any. My father in turns was abusive and sometimes affectionate. He didn\'t ask my brothers to respect me, their elder sister. In fact he encouraged their stepping on my feelings and neglect. I\'m not talking about anything special, just their including me this last period in important information concerning my father like the extent of his illness and the date of death.

No they didn\'t inform me. I live abroad. I had to get the phone number of the rehab center from the internet since my sister said \"something is wrong with the phone\". All lies. I offered to come and help out but my brothers put pressure on my father to refuse my coming and even slam the phone telling me not to bother them. I suspect they had some clever financial manipulations of their own that they were working on. I am now paying a lawyer to get information that I should have gotten for free.

I don\'t know whether to chuck the whole lot of them including memories of my father and get on with my life. ALL OF THEM fried my brain over this last period. I sent flowers to the funeral but my brothers ripped off the banner making it seem like I didn\'t send anything and THEY took credit for it. They didn\'t get flowers of their own since they were projecting (falsely I believe) that my father lost his house from gambling and any money should go into a trust fund for my sister. I at least had respect for whatever was good in my father and my relationship to him. But those pieces of work had no respect either for their father or for me so aired all their dirty laundrty in public.

My sister, a weak character, goes any way the wind is blowing. She also behaved badly and so did my aunt, my father\'s sister. I suspect their cageyness towards me was an attempt to control the situation, to find a scapegoat and project all their fear and anger outwards like they have been doing ALL MY LIFE.

I\'m just looking at ang\'s post. Yes, my father also drank. 11 years ago I visited him and he was continuing to drink despite his recent diagnosis of diabetes. I didn\'t return all that time mainly because of his snotty behavior towards me which consisted of ganging up with anyone who happened to be nearby against me. When I was a child it was his wife. Later on he bonded with his sons against me if he could get an opportunity.

The way I feel now is I shed enough tears all my life over his abuse and neglect. My gut emotions are way behind. It seems like the grieving process has a dynamic of its own so I feel pretty lousy everyday. It\'s better now than a month ago. It seems like passing three months is a marker of some sorts.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could mend my relationship with him. That was the reason for my offering to come. Also the reason for my mental turmoil. I thought that he would get out of the hospital because he had so much will power. But his body was simply worn out.

I have to get over my fairy tale wish that I could have helped or saved him. He was a person with free will subject to the Higher Will.

My task is learning humility these days...

Best wishes,

zamyrabyrd

[daughterrachael]

My father is currently dying from mesothelioma, cancer caused by asbestos. I am at the breaking point and now I know that I am not as strong as I would like to be. I am 26 recently engaged and should be happy planning a wedding for next year but I have to plan it with my father not being there. I have two older brothers, one is in California and the other is close by but is not very helpful. My step mom cares for my father along w/Hospice in a VERY small apartment. I only can bare to go once a week to visit which I feel is not enough. I sometimes sleep over to give my step mom a night out to see family and friends but I am now scared to be alone with him. Dad sleeps 20 hrs a day and barely eats, he gets confused and hears voices. He was diagnosed in January and is still holding on. I wish he won't anymore. I am ready for him to past (I think?). I don't know what to say to my dad when he is awake. He told me not to ask "how are you feeling today?" he hates that question. We all think he will not make it to the end of the summer. I don't know if I can keep it together that much longer. I feel I should be grateful for this time but I can't tell my dad I love him anymore than I already have. I am tired and my work is suffering. I just want to cry all day. I know I need help

[ang9772]

Daughterracheal,

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. Please hang in there. You are doing wonderfully. It is a hard time for you right now and I words cannot express how much I feel for you right now. Do what you can, when you can and seek help if you feel you need it. Please let me know how you are doing.

Angela

[daughterrachael]

Thank you, today is rough. My brother was in town for the week and is now leaving, today is the last day he will see our father alive. The next time he flys back will be for the funeral. Hospice said it could be next week. My father's will is so strong. I am so proud to be his daughter.

I am getting help. I have my first therapy appointment next week. I can't believe the world is set up this way, why must we all suffer?

[tinasdad]

daughterrachael, A preacher once told me that the good suffer in this life, because they won't suffer in the next life. But no matter what we believe, you suffer the pain of losing him. I have yet to meet someone who can say ten words to ease the pain of a child losing her dad. While this is painful, you will make it through the dark days of grief, and you will once again thrive. Your brother will feel a deep pain, because of his own absence, but in time, he will address it and learn to thrive through it. I pray that your heart may have peace. Mark

[joannemp]

God truly loves all of you and says He will not give us more than we can handle. I lost my Dad on Feb. 7 and I sometimes still don't believe that he's gone. I can't use the "d" word when talking about him because it's too "final". I go to the cemetary twice a week for now while my toddler is in school but know I won't be able to get there once Fall arrives and I go back to work. Going there is healing as it makes the whole situation a reality for me. My father went for elective anyurism surgery on Dec. 14-4 days before my son's first birthday. We had a little "thing" at my house and that was the last time they saw eachother. After many complications like a colostomy, kidney and liver failure. Finally, four organs stopped functioning and my mother and I were forced to make a decision. We fought the fight with him and don't regret turning off the life support. We held his hand as he passed. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with grief and all I can think about is how much I miss him. I just want to turn back time and have him for a little while longer. I can't help but think about our weekly shopping trips with my son as I discovered that my Dad could "help" w/ the baby. Dad was blind but these trips made him feel useful and he loved my son more than life itself. Those times are my best memories yet when I close my eyes at night, all I could see is this proud man in his hospital bed so incapacitated. I know alot of you can relate to me and possibly your experiences are far worse than mine. God bless you all at this site and may He help you understand and cope with your terrible grief.

[tinasdad]

joannemp, I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a parent, but my daughter, during a rape. Be gentle on yourself, and don't hurry to use words that will cause you pain. Avoid anything, no matter what, if it overwhelms you with grief for your Dad. He sounds like a truly wonderful man. What a blessing you were given to share a part of your life with him. I hope you feel welcome here, and return to write often.

[daughterrachael]

Still on death watch. My father must be holding on for some reason. I would like to know for what. Maybe only his subconcious really knows why. Next week is my step-mom's B-day. I wonder if that is it. He is also very conserned with getting his belonging split up and taken. I feel funny doing it while he is still alive but will do whatever he wants, plus I am not sure if I will have the strenght to do it afterwards. I am sick of talking about the money that will be divided up. My dad has always wanted to have something to leave to us kids, he is proud of this. He is also making sure all the ducks are in a row with that area too. I know we are all lucky for him to be able to sort this all out so it is easier for my step-mom and everyone else when he passes. It just makes it all so final.

[tinasdad]

daughterrachael, this is a tiring, painful time for even the strongest heart to take. Sometimes, when I watched my grandfather, who raised me, dying, I'd almost be begging God to end his pain. At the next moment, I'd be begging for him to walk out of the hospital with me. It's been 22 years since he died, and I still miss him, but not as deeply as at first.

Separating your Dad's things and taking them from the place they've been for so long will feel uncomfortable, and you will most likely cry some while you do it. Fulfill his wishes to your best ability, which should be peaceful for you all, seeing he decided the issue in advance. He's a wise and loving Dad, and I can see he's also a very devoted husband. You have so much to be thankful for in sharing his life here. While a painful change lies ahead, you have support through your family, friends, and here. I'll keep you in thought and prayer for peace and consoling.

[lauraa]

daughterrachel,

I know the ache in your heart...I lost my dear dad last year. I was caught between a rock and a hard spot as I had to leave my husband who was very sick to go home and spend time with my dad who approaching the end of his life. I like you will not ever say the D word. Healing for me is saying they "passed on". Eternal life! They have just paved a way for us and the day we will meet again. I have to keep myself focused in that constantly and if I don't I fall into a depression very easily. I also wonder why? Why was my beautiful, decent husband taken from me at such a young age? I'll never understand it as long as I live. Probally not "Until We Meet Again". I have been concentrating on the spiritual and I truely believe they are by my side constantly. For me I just have to work on a daily basis to love life again as everything I once loved just didn't matter anymore! I encourage you to keep writing here as it has been a wonderful place for me thru my grieving process. I know how sad and difficult it is to say goodbye to a parent you love with your whole heart and soul. My dad taught me how to live and he also taught me how to not be afraid to "pass on". Bless you!

[chrissyd]

I have felt such comfort, (while I have been bawling my eyes out), reading so many of these messages on this site. My father passed on a little over 2 years ago. I never thought I would be happy again. For the first time in 2 years I am begginning to feel happy. I recently moved back to be near my mom and my friends, and maybe that helps. I finally "get" that he would want me to be happy. I still long for him with an ache that is endless. I still have a hard time grasping the fact that there is nothing I can do to bring him back. I still wish I could have had the chance to say good bye, or to talk to him just ONE MORE time. And sometimes I am still angry at him for dying.

For 2 years I have lived through the motions of life because I have had to. And for the last month I have been shocked everyday by my new found happiness. My grief for my father and my personal well being and life have become seperate. I am living life again! In the past I didn't think it was possible that I could find joy in anything again, and honestly, I didn't even want to. I just wanted to post this message to say that I am happy to be happy. And I want to enjoy my life. And I will always miss my father and ache for him so deeply that words cannot describe the pain. So this is in honor of my father. I finally understand that he would want me to carry on and be happy, because I am his daughter, and he loves me that much.

[breezy89]

Today is Aug 15th. That marks the two month ann. of my fathers death. I am having a very difficult time. My father was and still is my best friend. He went in for surgery on May25th. For cancer of the esophagus. A surgery that was going to be a great out come. The doctors all told us that hes was in wonderful shape. Being only 58. That maine surgery went well. A few days later my father had a hard time breathing and they believed that some fluid got cought in the lung area. They tried to drain the fluid. Well in that process they sliced through my fathers lungs. My father went into the cvic and never came out. My sisters and mother are so grief stricken. I do not know what to do with my self. My husband and daughter loved him so. My father was an amazing man. He fought in Viet nam, was a Cheif for the Palo Alto fire dept for 32 years and just two years into his retirement his passed on. I not sure if I will ever get over the loss of my father.I have never felt this much loss. I love you DAd.

[chrisncamsmom]

It has been 2 years on the 13th that my dad died. I am still having a very difficult time with this. My husband doesn't even try to understand and I have 2 young boys, which doesn't give me time to grieve. I am hoping that talking on a site where everyone is here for the same reason makes it easier to accept his passing and to find peace with myself. Dad was asthmatic all his life. But he fell and broke his hip and died 12 days later. They replaced the hip but pnemonia set in and he never recovered. I live in Saskatchewan and he lived in Ontario so I wasn't able to see him except at the very end. I spent the last day and a half with him. He was able to see my youngest child but unable to speak. We buried him on his birthday which is tomorrow. I just need to talk with others that understand. Sorry so long. Thanks reading.

[daughterrachael]

chrisncamsmom,

I have not yet lost my father, he is in his last days right now. Reading your entry really got to me. I have no children myself but I am sure sometimes they are a great distraction and other times you need some alone time to think and remember your father. Your husband should really tune into you better and see you need some support and love to help heal you. I am engaged and could not imagine going through this without his strong arms to hold me when I am about to fall. Your husband made a commitment to be there for you. He needs to hold up his end of the deal.

[breezy89]

chrisncamsmom,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. If you ever need anyone to talk with I would love to lend an ear. My father passed away 2mo ago and I know that it is hard to talk about. Maybe you should pull you husband aside and really tell him how you feel and that you need his support. I know that at times it feels as if no one understands but there are poeple that do. I never knew such pain until I lost my father. Maybe you husband is having a hard time expressing himself because he has no idea what to say or how you feel. Hang in there.

Bree

[chrisncamsmom]

Does anyone else keep reliving the time around a death or the funeral? I keep getting flashbacks to the time around dad's death and funeral.

[tinasdad]

chrisncamsmom, memories of this type are a part of your grieving. It's a way in which our minds try to make sense of the painful event. These soften with time.

[ccbabygirl22]

It has been almost 4 months since my father died of a sudden and massive heart attack. He was a heathly and very active 58 year old. I am very proud of my mother for the strength that she showed this week. On Thursday, August 18th, my parents would have celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. I was not exactly sure how to handle this holiday, until my mother called me that morning and acted as though she wanted to celebrate it. I left work on Thursday and went and got flowers and her favorite cake and took them to her work so that she could celebrate the memory of my father and the wonderul marriage that they had together. On Friday, she called and was very pleased with herself that she had made it through the day. I was amazed by her strength. I know that she will have many bad days to come but she will get through them as we all are getting through them...since we have no choice and know that the world must go on and we must go on will it...that's how our fathers would want it...they would want us to be happy...to live our lives to the fullest...

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ccbabygirl22, I'm sorry you're Dad has died. Special dates are emotional and sometimes upsetting for us. For your mother to get through her anniversary so well is a major accomplishment. My thoughts and prayers are with you for healing and peace.

[chrisncamsmom]

Ccbabygirl22, Your mother did extremely well to get through their anniversary. You are in my prayers.

[feelingalone]

I have never been on a message board before but I don't know where else to turn at this point. I just lost my dad on aug. 13th to chronic liver diease he was only 53 years old. We knew he had it but we did not want to belive that it was as serious as it acually was. my dad was not married so I had to deal with all the arrangements and paper work and so on all by myself. I'm only 27, I don't know what I am doing. I have a brother and sister who are young adults but are having a hard time taking care of themselves. I guess I don't know how to feel or even what to do.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Feelingalone, I'm sorry for your loss. I am sorry you must face the sorrow, and the details and arrangements, so young. We are here to listen, and to help as much as we can. Is the feeling you have numbness? This is a part of grieving, a way to protect ourselves from the loss. In time, your heart will ease you into the grief. I hope you feel comfortable here, and continue writing. We all try to support and help each other here. I'm Mark, and Jennifer is my daughter, my angel. May you receive all you need, mostly, peace.

[feelingalone]

thank you mark i thought that no one would write back. at this time it has to be numbness. I am and was the closest to my dad. and I thought that I would feel a lot different. I thought I would feel lost and completely upset. But I feel at ease. I don't understand why I feel the way I do. He is one of the most important people in my life.I just know that he had struggled all his life to be happy and he always got the short end of the stick. I feel bitter and very angery. I don't know if this is normal. I feel bitter because it was to soon. I don't feel old enough to handle what has happened.

[daughterrachael]

Feelingalone,

I am so impressed with you. I only hope I am able to be as strong when my dad passes. My dad has lung cancer and is slowly slipping away. I am 26, the baby of my family. My one brother is no help at all and my other one is arcoss the country doing what he can. So I am left with the responsiblity. It is so over whelming when you just want to start your young life. Everything gets put on hold. I just believe that I need to go through this now for whatever reason. It will make me stronger. I believe that for you as well. Please keep writing. This place has truely helped me, I know it will do the same for you. People care.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

feelingalone, the journey through grief is long a painful. Anger, numbness, and that bitterness are all a part of it. It's not that we're angry at God or any other being for the cause of our sorrow. We are really angry at death, when we look at it in depth. I get these feelings too, because my daughter Jennifer had everything to look forward to.

daughterraachael, it sounds like you may not have a lot of support? Take each moment, each single task, and complete it. When you do, then let it rest and go to the next one. Give yourself a break once in a while to do something you want to do. Those special things you like to treat yourself to are good for reducing stress a little. For all you have to carry for responsibility, you can be proud of how well you're doing. I'm sure your Dad is.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both for your peace. Mark

[chrisncamsmom]

Feelingalone, I lost my dad the 13th of August of 2003. I also felt at ease when he pasted. He wasn't suffering anymore. Dad had a very rough life dealing with asthma and not having medication until he was 21. I have only been on this message board for a short time. I am still having a rough time dealing with the loss of both my parents. I have found more peace within myself being able to post on here and reading other posts with people in the same position as myself and hopefully find a friend or two to chat with in the lonely times. Take care and know you are not alone.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

chrisncamsmom, from all I've heard, sometimes there seems to be a feeling of relief when a person we love passes after an illness, especially a long and painful one. I am sorry you have lost both of your parents. This must be so painful for you. I hope you can accept my sympathy at this time. I'm thankful we have this website, too. You mentioned earlier that your Dad lived in Ontario, which started my memories. I now live in the States, but Ottawa will always be home. I hope your husband can be supportive, but I know men react differently to death. He may be grieving, and not feeling as emotionally supportive because of this. The rough days will linger like bad perfume on a hot day, but they do get better. May you find the peace you need. Mark

[feelingalone]

I wanted to thank you all for your support. It feels conforting to know that there are kind people to help me and others through this difficult time. Thank you again for your time and your thoughts it means a great deal to me.

[lizzy4]

Hi everyone! Tomorrow is a big milestone in my life. I'm 17 years old and tomorrow will be the 10 year anniversary of my dad's death. I can't believe 10 years has gone by when it feels like it was just the other day. The pain is...in a way more than it was 10 years ago. I was so young then, I didn't really know what had happened, but now as I'm older, I feel the pain and loss more than I ever did. I miss him so much, but I'm making a life for myself, the whole time knowing he's looking down on me, smiling and helping me along the way. He'll always mean the world to me, but I need to be able to deal with this. I need to be able to not cry everytime i'm alone and I think about him. I'm getting stronger, and I will make it, and it's thanks to people like all of you who have helped me. I just want to say thank you sooooooooo much! You're all Angels thank you xxx

[jujubee1]

hi...I just found this website. My dad died, suddenly, on August 10, 2005 at age 59 years old. I am 33yo with two girls...2 and almost 4yo. He was over the night before and brought dinner for \"his girls\" and was found dead at my parents home the next day by the cleaning lady shortly after my mom left. They think he had an aortic annurisim (spelling?) by the looks of things...(he was blue, the seen was neat). We opted for no autospy (we are Jewish and don't beleive in desecrating the body) plus it would have delayed burial and would not have broght him back. He was receiving regular medical care (weekly) due to some breathing issues (re-occuring resp. problems). He had a chest x-ray and catscan in the previous weeks which we are now supprised did not show any problem. He had a heart attack 10 years ago and had a stent put in. I just keep replaying all the details...how, why, trying to make sense of it...he was so alive and now he is gone. I really won't let myself focus on that too long. I have an ache so deep it hurts to think or feel. His grandchildren were his life and now he won't be there. He worked very hard while I grew up and we didn\'t really become close until I was in my college years. Once I had kids he was in love!!! I am so sad that he won\'t be around for them .... I keep obsessing about his death, looking in the room, trying to picture it and him, praying he was okay. It is also really hard because we are having to take care of my mom where as she always was the strong one. They were married 38 years....Also, my dad was my husbands best friend ...he is having nightmares and I have never seen him so sad. i want him back so bad, I love him and need him...we all do... why, why, why??????????

Sorry, i hope to get some support and hope that is gets better ( I know it has to) but I just don\'t want this to be real (like anyone does!)

thanks for reading...I feel like i could go on and on...

[missmydad]

I am new to this. I am glad I found this site as I am having such a hard time right now. I lost my dad on June 21, 2005 of liver complications. He knew he was sick and was on a transplant list when his heart failed. He was only 58. I live 2 hrs away from him but went to see him every weekend for the last 4 months he was in the hospital. My dad was everything to me. My heart is broken in two and I am finding it hard to even admit he is gone. I still expect him to call or come up for a visit. The last thing he said to me while he was in intensive care was that he would be ok. He died the next day. One really hard thing for me was how aware he was of having to go. He could not speak but cried when he decided it was over. He fought so hard for so long to stay with us. I stayed with him until the very end. I miss him with every part of me. I know he is in a better place and I have my faith,family & friends thankfully but every day seems like a struggle. Is this normal? All I long for is a hug or a call. It is like torture and it has only been a few months. Thank you for letting me express here. I am the first of my friends to go through this and they just don't understand. God Bless!

[lauraa]

To Everyone,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious dads. I don't think it matters how long they have been gone because we loved them so deeply and have to accept the fact that we will not see them again in the "physical"....but, know they wait for us in the most beautiful place imaginable. I feel they have paved the way for us..."until we meet again". I still cry for my dear dad. He was my best friend besides my husband and I lost him, too.....within 6 months of each other...I cry for them both. It is normal to want them back and I think that is the hardest part of grieving....sometimes I felt I could go crazy feeling that way...I was use to fixing everything and these were things I couldn't....that is the hardest thing any of us could ever go thru. We are getting thru this...it is hard, it's sucky....but we are doing it! Our love ones are still with us. Look for them...talk with them and they will send you all signs that they are there. When I get really down I know they would not want me to be so damn sad so that helps me snap out of it alittle and then I put my energy into my kids whom I know they both loved so deeply.

Mark.....your girl knows now who her daddy was and rest assured she is your angel....always with you. Bless you!

Everyone....rest tonight and asked your loved one to come to you and they will.......God bless!

[butterfly10954]

LauraA'

your post particularly touched me because my father was also so close to my kids.He was their playmate and friend and spent so much time with them. The saddest thing is knowing that he is not going to be around in the coming school year because he and my mom always came to the kids' little shows and events and stuff... He died on the 4th of July, and we've already endured on e summer camp show,which was pure torture, for all of us. My mom, and my husband too, who was also very close to my dad, and who is grieving too.

He died suddenly too, heart attack, and actually wasn't feeling well that whole weekend, we found out later, but waited til we left their house to go to the ER; he didn't want to upset the kids, we think. So it is ahorrible, awful thing,and I feel your pain so much....

My dad was the best grandfather you could imagine, as I'm sure yours was too... What can we do./???

We just have to take solace from each other, and keep their memories alive , for us and for the rest of our families...

please email me, I'd love to talk, butterfly10954@yahoo.com

Cindy

hi...I just found this website. My dad died, suddenly, on August 10, 2005 at age 59 years old. I am 33yo with two girls...2 and almost 4yo. He was over the night before and brought dinner for "his girls" and was found dead at my parents home the next day by the cleaning lady shortly after my mom left. They think he had an aortic annurisim (spelling?) by the looks of things...(he was blue, the seen was neat). We opted for no autospy (we are Jewish and don't beleive in desecrating the body) plus it would have delayed burial and would not have broght him back. He was receiving regular medical care (weekly) due to some breathing issues (re-occuring resp. problems). He had a chest x-ray and catscan in the previous weeks which we are now supprised did not show any problem. He had a heart attack 10 years ago and had a stent put in. I just keep replaying all the details...how, why, trying to make sense of it...he was so alive and now he is gone. I really won't let myself focus on that too long. I have an ache so deep it hurts to think or feel. His grandchildren were his life and now he won't be there. He worked very hard while I grew up and we didn't really become close until I was in my college years. Once I had kids he was in love!!! I am so sad that he won't be around for them .... I keep obsessing about his death, looking in the room, trying to picture it and him, praying he was okay. It is also really hard because we are having to take care of my mom where as she always was the strong one. They were married 38 years....Also, my dad was my husbands best friend ...he is having nightmares and I have never seen him so sad. i want him back so bad, I love him and need him...we all do... why, why, why??????????

Sorry, i hope to get some support and hope that is gets better ( I know it has to) but I just don't want this to be real (like anyone does!)

thanks for reading...I feel like i could go on and on...

[butterfly10954]

I can't even imagine how hard it is for you... My mother and my sister and I are having such a hard time with all the paper work you speak of, and I know how tough it is..

hang in there...

Cindy

I have never been on a message board before but I don't know where else to turn at this point. I just lost my dad on aug. 13th to chronic liver diease he was only 53 years old. We knew he had it but we did not want to belive that it was as serious as it acually was. my dad was not married so I had to deal with all the arrangements and paper work and so on all by myself. I'm only 27, I don't know what I am doing. I have a brother and sister who are young adults but are having a hard time taking care of themselves. I guess I don't know how to feel or even what to do.

[daughterrachael]

I have not been able to be close with my father for all my teen years do to a bitter divorce when I was 8 years old and a move out of state at 15. I am 26 now and have only been able to see my dad when ever I want for the past two years since we now live in the same state. This has giving me what I have been looking for. I need my dad to be in my life. A girl needs her father. I tried to fill that void all my life. This has now been filled. I am greatfull for that. My dad tells me I am pretty, smart and a great person. That means so much coming for him. I love him so much and hate to see him fading away....I am getting married next year and he won't be there. When I have children he can't be their Papa. This just kills me. I want to get better and live longer. I hate that God is slowy prying him from my arms. Either take him now or give me more time with a heathly father. Cancer is the devil, I am convinced.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daughterrachael, it adds so much to the pain and sorrow to go through an experience like your parents' divorce. At the moment, this may do little consoling because he's still here, but your Dad will always be with you. He may not be able to talk to you in the same way, but he's always going to be proud of you, love you, and he'll always think you're the prettiest girl in the world. Dad's are just like that, always doting over our little girls. Sometimes, a dad may embarass his child to tears, but his heart is full to the top with a love that will last forever. Cancer is wicked. I'm so sorry this is such a lonely, painful time for you. In a few years, you'll tell your children of their Papa, the greatest man you ever knew.

[lauraa]

Daughterrachel,

I am sorry you dad is ill....try and spend each moment you can with him...tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you. That will always stay with you. I remember when my dad was very ill and in the end stage of lung cancer, my brother drove him 800 miles to my house to see me so we could spend one last time together and I will never ever forget the last moments we had together...we just held each other and told each other what we meant to each other and just cried....he came to me because my husband was ill and could not travel....If I didn't have those moments I would be so sad even sadder than I am without him. They were both my very best friends and I miss them terribly... I will hold you in my heart and pray for you all.

[jujubee1]

thanks Butterly10954 (Cindy)...

It hurts so much when I see my kids and know how much he would love to see them playing or being cute, etc. It is so hard for me not having him here and being our backbone. I don't know when it sinks in... I still keep thinking it is a big mistake...I feel so sick when I think it might be real. I feel like I took him for granted even though he never expected anything or looked at it that way. It is so scarey how life just slips through our fingers. How old are your kids?

One thing I am going to do when I feel up to it, is a scrapbook/memory book to captrue as much as possible for my girls to have forever and to keep him "alive".

Take care ...my e-mail is cmison550@comcast.net

Julie

[feelingalone]

dear missmydad,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of your dad, I also just lost my dad. Two weeks ago of liver diease. I know how painful it is and I feel the same way as you when you say that it does not feel real and at this point I don't know if it will ever feel real. I feel like I'm walking through fog or even slow motion. please feel free to write. I think it feels alittle better to be able to talk about it. I like being able to talk here because people are willing to listen and I don't have to feel that my dad or our story is not important like I do in my everyday life. If you would like to talk please write. here is my web address: arnwoman98@wmconnect.com