I lost my husband and the will to live

[KayC]

I still have George's robe hanging on the door and Arlie's coat hanging on a chair. This is totally individual how we handle this and if helps us remember them, honor them, so be it.

[Griefsucks810]

17 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I drank an espresso last night and fell right to sleep

Wow! Espresso is loaded with caffeine - how were you able to fall right asleep?

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Wow! Espresso is loaded with caffeine - how were you able to fall right asleep?

sadness put me right to bed...

[Griefsucks810]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I still have George's robe hanging on the door and Arlie's coat hanging on a chair. This is totally individual how we handle this and if helps us remember them, honor them, so be it.

I still wear my husband’s slippers which are on the floor next to my nightstand.

[HisMunchkin]

17 hours ago, Sar123 said:

Have you decided what you plan on doing with your husband’s clothes and things? How are you doing these days? 

I still haven't decided what to do with all his stuff - and he has a LOT of stuff!  He has more clothes and shoes than I do, and I'm a girl (yes, a bit of a stereotype there. 😜).  And there are so many books!  I think, when I eventually downsize, whenever that will be, I will be giving most things away.  I have been wearing his wedding ring on a bracelet since the day of his passing.  That, I will definitely keep for sentimental value.  And photos, and somethings that has his hand writing on it.  To me, most of the other things are just that - things. 

[Griefsucks810]

When my husband died unexpectedly on 8/21/19, I was traumatized and devastated cuz my world just got pulled out from under  me. I was all alone and scared to death cuz I had no where to live and no source of income to support myself.  
There were many times where I felt it was too hard for me to go through this indescribable nonstop heart aching pain day after day and  had thoughts that it would be easier for me to just throw the towel in but I didn’t.  I would never leave my adult daughter and my beloved cat without their mother which gave me a purpose to live for myself and for them.  I just recently fully accepted my husband’s death as it happened and also fully accepted that all of the questions I sought answers to all died with my husband.  I have to work diligently  on how to feel and think positively which will make me have a better outlook on life. I’m have started to be more proactive with my physical health by scheduling a telehealth appointment with a nutritionist who will teach me how eating healthy foods and vegetables will keep my body healthy as well as which foods and vegetables to avoid.  I plan on seeing a cardiologist in the next few months to have my heart and carotid arteries checked out cuz cardiovascular disease runs on my mom’s side of the family.  

[widower2]

On 1/31/2024 at 3:43 PM, HisMunchkin said:

I still haven't decided what to do with all his stuff - and he has a LOT of stuff!  He has more clothes and shoes than I do, and I'm a girl (yes, a bit of a stereotype there. 😜).  And there are so many books!  I think, when I eventually downsize, whenever that will be, I will be giving most things away.  I have been wearing his wedding ring on a bracelet since the day of his passing.  That, I will definitely keep for sentimental value.  And photos, and somethings that has his hand writing on it.  To me, most of the other things are just that - things. 

It's a mixed bag to me. I have some things of hers which are quite trivial but have meaning to me...in hindsight at the time, I didn't keep similar things, but I was in such a  chaotic state that I wasn't thinking straight...not helped by her two white trash (which frankly is an insult to white trash everywhere, but stronger language wouldn't fly here) daughters going out of their way to make my life miserable. And I now have some things I did keep which aren't esp meaningful and I intend to return to her son, who is the polar opposite of his sisters. 

[KayC]

In my wee hours of not being able to go to sleep, I was thinking about "the closet" where some of George's things are, after 18 1/2 years I think I'm ready to part with them but going to chuck some of my daughter's stuff first.  We have no place in town to donate to so I may toss hers in the garbage and wait and take his the 100 mile round trip to Goodwill or St. Vinnie's.  Not getting rid of his bathrobe though...not ever.

[HisMunchkin]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

I have some things of hers which are quite trivial but have meaning to me...

My husband used to get me these mint candy that I love.  They have this chewy center.  I consumed all but one from the last bag that he got me.  It's weird, but don't have the heart to eat it. 

 

9 hours ago, KayC said:

In my wee hours of not being able to go to sleep, I was thinking about "the closet" where some of George's things are, after 18 1/2 years I think I'm ready to part with them

When was the last time you looked at them?  Think going through them might trigger some memories? 

[KayC]

Not anymore, over 18 1/2 years is a long time to adjust.

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, widower2 said:

I have some things of hers which are quite trivial but have meaning to me

Some of the things I kept are perhaps obvious.  His pillows; his recliner; his backpack and favorite baseball cap (our local collegiate summer league team) now hang by the back door, instead of the front door where they lived for 2 years; one of his favorite hoodies and two flannel shirts.  But a few would perhaps only be fully understood by people who have been where we are.  For example, his hairbrush because it has strands of his beautiful silver-gray-dark blonde hair and his long-handled net shower scrub, which still hangs on a hook in the shower because things don't look right without it.

I don't care if others think I'm a weirdo.😉😄

 

[widower2]

Yeah it's funny what matters. On the one hand, people could understand her wine cabinet that I still have in my LR...to them maybe because it's a nice piece of furniture, but to me because it's the first thing she bought after we were together and drinking/enjoying/learning about wine was something we shared. On top of it is a now empty bottle and souvenir glass from the first winery we really got into and they are just as valuable to me as the cabinet. Also of value: a simple, old, plastic, cheapie wine bottle opener we bought one time at a wine store when we needed one at the time and didn't have the time or inclination to buy a "fancier" one, thinking we would later...and never did. In fact, friends of hers bought her fancier ones over the years...which we ended up using little. I still use it. I'd get buried with it if I hadn't decided to be cremated.  

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

to me because it's the first thing she bought after we were together

I get it, it's why I still have our loveseat/recliner even though it's got something broken and the footrest pops up when you don't tell it to.  It's been sewed on and dyed where it's worn, but still comfy.  I remember he stipulated it had to not have armrests in the middle so we could cuddle and hold hands.  

[HisMunchkin]

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Some of the things I kept are perhaps obvious.  His pillows; his recliner; his backpack and favorite baseball cap (our local collegiate summer league team) now hang by the back door, instead of the front door where they lived for 2 years; one of his favorite hoodies and two flannel shirts.  But a few would perhaps only be fully understood by people who have been where we are.  For example, his hairbrush because it has strands of his beautiful silver-gray-dark blonde hair and his long-handled net shower scrub, which still hangs on a hook in the shower because things don't look right without it.

I don't care if others think I'm a weirdo.😉😄

 

Not weird.  At least to me.  I kept some of my previous dog's fur, for instance.  And my dad actually snipped off some of my grandfather's hair right after he passed on the hospital bed.  He offered to others who were present too, "Want some of his hair for keepsake?..."  My grandmother also keeps hair, even when the person is still alive.  When she passed, my mother went into her little home safe where she keeps things precious to her.  Some jewelry, some cards,... and then my mother's gallstone from when my mom had it removed some years ago.....  So ya, to me, what you're keeping isn't weird.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

I kept some of my previous dog's fur, for instance.

I did that with my last dog, and I have his coat on the chair and hold it...

[Niknar511]

I’m here 10 years later finding your post. Searching for similar experiences because I’m losing myself. I wish I could ask you if it got easier? Did you find love again? Are you still with us? I’m 37 coming up on my husband’s 40th and our 10th anniversary. July will make 2 years of him being gone and I feel worse. I hope you found the will to live.

[KayC]

@Niknar511  " Easier" is a relative term, but we learn to live with it and to a point get used to being on our own although we continue to miss them.

Welcome here, I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, it helps us know we aren't alone.  It's a safe place where we understand and care.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.