I lost my husband and the will to live

[athina.sal]

Every night,i live with him in my dreams and every morning i wake up in the nightmare.And another miserable day begins...I try to sleep as many hours as i can,because reality is unbareable.Is it going to be like this forever?The "after" is so awful,and i try so hard not to think back to the "before".I live in hell...

[KayC]

On 1/30/2018 at 12:24 PM, Diana Thomlinson said:

I am 72 my husband died on 20 th November after 40 years together. We had few friends. My friends were twin women, one was closer to me than the other. The other now has made it impossible for me to meet up with her sister whom I was close with. So I have lost my husband and close  friend. Tonight has been too difficult. 

 

I am so sorry, it's the hardest thing in the world to lose your spouse but then to lose your close friend too, just very hard.  When I lost my husband, ALL of our close friends disappeared on me.  I would never do that to someone and can't understand it.  Sure I know all the usual stuff, they feel death is contagious, they want to fix it and they can't, it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say yada yada yada.  BUT to desert us in our hour of need???  I can't comprehend that.  I made new friends and that was great but now they too have moved away or died and I'm again trying to make friends, which is hard at our age.

Is the one twin controlling all communication with the other twin?  If so, that seems elder abuse.  No one should control who we see, who we talk to! 

It helps to express yourself and this is a good and safe place to do that.  We've all been through this loss, we hear you and we get it.

[Colmort]

Oh im sorry, its an awful burden to bear and your love means so much to you. Im newly bereaved , only 5 days and its hard to want to hold on. In truth i want to end it all too. I've enough pain meds in the house to do it. But im really hearing , one day at a time, just one hour, one minute. When i really look i get little bits of pain free time. Just a little bit. I take note and remember. It seems there is lots of really great support hear. Hey Jude, Frankly, msmouse/Mike's mum. I hear you too and look to your hopeful way forward. My darling Alun would be so upset at me thanking of ending it all. He wanted to live, even another year. So ill try with all my might to honor him. I don't know if ill make it- but try i must. It's hard as despite being raised a catholic i dont believe in god, or afterlife. I wish i did, i don't know what to believe and being desperate id probably grab at anything. I just cant do it though. When he died, it was quite peaceful but i had no sense of his spirit or anything other worldly at all. It's a shame. Im hoping there is a reason to go on. Im looking for it. I hope you find something, however small. Much love to everyone on this arduous journey. Tishagun, i hope you get some better days, hours or moments soon.

Heyjude, im 50, and i don't plan to remarry. I still have a husband in my mind. I wish i could believe ill see him again one day. I talk to him all the time like he can hear just in case.

Much love Col xx

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Daniela Andrino said:

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Spammer, been reported.

[deb986]

Tishagun I lost my soulmate 3 months ago. So suddenly. Everything you describe is exactky how I feel. How are you now? X

[deb986]

Xx

[KayC]

@deb986

I'm sorry for your loss as well.  You've found a good place here to come to, maybe you could start a thread and share your story with us?  It's good to have a place of your own here to come to and have people respond to you.

The six month mark is one of the hardest times, it's when shock wears off, support sometimes dries up and you're left dealing with reality on your own.  That's why it's so good to have the listening ear here, people who understand and respond.

[MickeysWife]

I have no words right now after losing my husband and wishing I too would die but reading all your words just searching for anything at least helps me not feel so alone, it’s a long road to be sooo alone without him , KJR 

[Claurb]

It's been nine months since I lost my husband. We were married for almost 16 years. In five short days my whole world changed. Acute leukemia... he left behind not only me but our 14 years old son. I am still lost and unable to function. The bare minimal I do is because of my son. I am struggling to maintain a normal life for him. I don't really care about me, as long as he is ok. Having to deal with all responsibilities is so overwhelming, I never realized the stress I would be under. The loneliness and sadness of not having anybodyto talk to is absolutely beyond imagination. Somehow I am surviving stay by day and taking more and more responsibilities around the house. It's not who I was before but I have to make it for my son. Every day is a day in which I am so lucky to be alive and see our son grow up. One day at a time ... 

[KayC]

@MickeysWife  I'm glad it helps you to know you are not alone...because you AREN'T alone, even though it feels that way at times.  This has been the hardest journey of my life, and that's saying something, I've lived through a lot of really hard things.  But I keep going even when I feel I'm hanging on by a thread, and yes, it helps so much to have this place to come to, to know we aren't alone.  I recently met someone who lost her partner, she's disabled, she has no money, nowhere to go, about to be evicted along with her little dogs.  I pray something turns up for her, she's overwhelmed, it's been less than a month since her loss.

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Claurb said:

It's been nine months since I lost my husband. We were married for almost 16 years. In five short days my whole world changed. Acute leukemia... he left behind not only me but our 14 years old son. I am still lost and unable to function. The bare minimal I do is because of my son. I am struggling to maintain a normal life for him. I don't really care about me, as long as he is ok. Having to deal with all responsibilities is so overwhelming, I never realized the stress I would be under. The loneliness and sadness of not having anybodyto talk to is absolutely beyond imagination. Somehow I am surviving stay by day and taking more and more responsibilities around the house. It's not who I was before but I have to make it for my son. Every day is a day in which I am so lucky to be alive and see our son grow up. One day at a time ... 

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are doing your best, I'm glad you have your son for incentive, keep on.  Yes, one day at a time, that's what's gotten me through this.  I wrote what I've learned in my journey over the years, and I hope even one thing is of help to you...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Claurb]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are doing your best, I'm glad you have your son for incentive, keep on.  Yes, one day at a time, that's what's gotten me through this.  I wrote what I've learned in my journey over the years, and I hope even one thing is of help to you...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

Thank you so much for your input. It's really an isolating feeling and overwhelming sensation at times. I learned who my friends are and that I am bound to live at least until my son is independent. I have not experienced suicide thoughts, but the lonely life and memories make me feel stucked in the past. I am not looking for closure as I don't want to close door to anything in my life, I am looking for acceptance. I know he is dead, I just don't have the power to accept life the way it is now.

It is what it is I guess!!!!

[KayC]

We don't have to close the door on anything, don't let anyone tell you that.  We adjust little by little as it seeps in to us, as we're ready.  Just remember that "acceptance" is a realization that our life has changed, it doesn't mean we agree to anything!  Of course you don't feel ready to accept life as it is now, it takes much time, it took me probably three years to just process my grief!  Give yourself all the time you need.

On 7/9/2018 at 8:43 AM, Claurb said:

It is what it is I guess!!!!

Well put.

[Miss Ann Thropic]

OMG! Your story about how you feel is my story! I had  no one but him. He had  friends, but not I. I feel that a couple of his good friends are also mine, but they are guys and they are his. My husband was diagnosed with two severely blocked arteries. One was 100 % and the other 90%. The onset of his symptoms of this was sudden and he had what we called eppasodes freequantly. Our health care is med-ical so getting treatment even as dier as he was is handled like he had to have a hang nail removed. It has been almost 2 months since his Angioplastie which should have been given the stent   then ,but not.

 an appointment to have it done took 3 weeks for a visit to the Dr. He was revered to. And when he went to see him he told my husband "ok. We'll get it done in the beginning of August. Don't worry, I got you." August I yelled when he told me, why? My husband replied that the Dr was going on vacation for two weeks that's why. I said we'll get on the phone and mmake them give you an appt. the day after he gets back. Well he was able to set his procedure date for 07/23/18 His 57 birthday would have been 07 31. On Monday 07 09. Eve he decided to walk to Jack n the box which is apex half a football fields length from our building in be known to me. When I  realized he was missing I began to frantically search for him and was told that he had a heart a track in front of Jack n box and was taken away I an ambulance. Why he even went there I'll never know, because All his cash ,id, phone, was at home, he had nothing not even his nitro pills on him.Well it's now Friday eve and after calling every hospital in the  valley to no avail his best friend came over last night, picked up his Id, went to the most likely fire station to have picked him up, showed them his I'd and when his best friend returned to me is when and how I got the news he had died. Nothing makes any sense now. I don't want to keep breathing .I find it nearly impossible to get up to go pee. I literally have not eatten since Monday morning.

I see you wrote your letter in 2014. It's now 2018. Assuming, hoping you are still around (living). I have one question to ask you. How are you today?

[LoveGoli]

10 hours ago, Miss Ann Thropic said:

I have one question to ask you. How are you today?

I also have this question and asked the same like you did, i hope she must be happy now bcs she didn't answer here so believing she is living happily.

[KayC]

@Miss Ann Thropic  I'm so sorry, I feel like your story is similar to mine.  My husband had just turned 51 five days before, he had five blocked arteries and was waiting for surgery, I was gone this weekend to my sister's reunion, didn't know anything about it, didn't know he had heart trouble!  When he went in the hospital, they did tests and found out he'd had a previous heart attack that severely damaged his heart...we knew when that was, it was six months before, he'd totaled his new car, he'd blacked out, thought it was his diabetes, it wasn't.  The heart surgeon said he died and the airbag going off gave a thrust to the chest that restarted his heart!  But he died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.

It's been 13 years.  I can't tell you how hard it was, the early months/years, it takes a very long time to adjust to such a major impact as this.  I can tell you I think of him all the time, I love him with all my heart and I miss him beyond description, each and every day of my life.  But the intensity of pain from the earlier part of this journey has dulled into an ache I carry inside me, it's more manageable, I've learned to live with it.  I've learned to provide for myself, handle all of the decisions, do what needs to be done.  At the end of the day I still miss him.  It took me years to find purpose, and longer yet to build a life I can live.  You mention lack of friends...all of our friends disappeared when he died.  It was amazing, I never would have expected that, but I guess it's common, people are uncomfortable with death/grief.

What you went through was a terrible shock, I can relate.  In those early months/years I had grief fog, it was hard to think with previous clarity of mind, hard to focus.  It took me a year to be able to watch t.v.  It took me ten years to read a book for enjoyment...and I'd always been an avid reader!  The first year it was hard to pray, I felt abandoned, alone, I felt God was a million miles away.  I'd always been an avid pray-er too, even taught classes in prayer.  I knew I was going through the dark night of the soul.  I'd read about it, studied prayer, I knew with my head what I was going through...yet my heart felt so abandoned.  I realized later that God was with me, somehow carrying me through this, even when I felt bereft, and my faith, which was sorely challenged, saw me through.

You've found a good place to come to here...here people "get it".  Here people understand, and we'll walk this journey with you if you want us to.

[Missing my little man]

Each person's grief is so different. When mom lost my dad she stayed with us kids until this day. She was so young when my dad passed away I'm guessing no older then 26 or 30.

 

Now I'm dealing with my own losses. I know my losses is way different, but the grief is the same. My little man was only 15 months he hasn't even began to come to his own little world yet.

[WW313]

Tish,

I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband/soulmate (& I extend heart felt condolences to all others on here as well). 

I just saw this 2014 post TODAY, while sitting on my couch (as I've done for most of the last 3 years now, basically trapped in my house), wondering HOW or even IF I can make it through ONE more day or not.  

Reading your posts, it's like you took the some of the words right out of my mouth and thoughts right out of my head.  If you think YOU are crazy, then I'M certifiable for trying the same things you tried and feeling similar things you've felt. My husband/soulmate (of almost 20 yrs) died suddenly/horrifically in his late 30s. He walked out the door for work one morning and I just never saw or spoke to him again (like he just completely vanished from this earth). Everyday, I wish I would've been WITH him so we could've just died together.  

I feel so many of the same things you do or did.  I thought by now, I'd be healing more or I'd be stronger, but I'm not. Life has no meaning and I have no purpose now. I just exist, husbandless, childless, broken, alone, isolated.....just waiting for death. I seem to keep getting worse as time goes by (even with therapy).  We did just about everything together, so I just don't know HOW to live w/o him and I don't WANT to.  So I relate to you so much. The darkness, depression, confusion, anger, pretending, denial, disbelief, wondering, hiding my true feelings & thoughts from most people, and more.  I see other widows that seem totally fine (or maybe they can just fake it better than I can).  I thought I was stronger than this. I was strong as hell WITH him. It's like that strong part of me was ripped away when he was killed. I know everyone's circumstances are different, everyone grieves differently and everyone responds to things in life differently, but I just feel like I've been buried alive trying to survive, while others are thriving. I just don't understand.  Tish, I see you haven't posted on this since 2015 so I hope you found a way to live on somehow &/or things are better for you now.  With year 3 of my husband's death anniversary coming up, I feel more lost, stuck and hopeless than ever. I can't imagine ever being happy or normal again and have no idea what else I can do or what I'm supposed to do at this point. I just need a sliver of HOPE somehow. It would be so wonderful if you were able to find some light at the end of the tunnel somehow.  xx 

[KayC]

It's been 13 years for me, and I can remember feeling as you felt.  Some days I still do.  Other days I do fine.  Life has changed so much, from the moment he died, nothing was ever the same again.  It took me years to process his death, years more to find purpose, and more years yet to build a life I could live.  Nothing seemed more horrific than living through those early days/years, the intensity of pain was so great!  I wouldn't want to go through that again for anything, and yet I know I will face it when my 10 1/2 year old dog and my 23 year old cat go.  I can't imagine life without them because they are what I have now in this day and moment to go through life with, they are my family.  But I know I will.  And when I do, I will have to go through it the same way I made it through the loss of my husband.  Maybe it won't affect as MANY areas of my life as he did, but in many ways it will be similar and I'm sure it will stir it up again.  Sometimes in our life we find someone so great, so perfect for us, that we know they are our soul mate, and to have them yanked away from us so suddenly, so completely, it defies definition, defies putting into words!  That's where we've all been and go through still.  There is that one person that affected our life forever!  But we carry them with us still, too!  The good things I learned from my George are still with me.  And the love he gave to me, the faith he had in me, the comfort he brought me, the encouragement I gleaned from him, it's with me still also.  He gave me enough love that I will be drawing from it the rest of my life!  It is the comfort he brings to my soul, even yet.  I know he still exists and I will be with him again.  That thought holds me.

[KayC]

@ThresaEvans  Do you realize you are talking to people whose spouse DIED??!!  There IS no "getting them back" and your words are like a slap in the face to those here reading.  How inappropriate and stinging is this!  That you can use this grief forum to promote whatever you are promoting is highly inappropriate.  I'm glad your life is turning out like you hoped, but your words are a personal affront to those here who are grappling with deep emotion upon losing the love of their life to DEATH!  Post reported.

[Poonam.bhumi]

Hi Tisha, 

How are you now? I lost my husband a month back and I am going through same feelings as you mentioned. I searched everything you did and got this post of yours. I don't know what I am going to do now... 

[KayC]

@Poonam.bhumi   Perhaps you'd like to start your own thread and introduce yourself to us so we can respond to you in it.  I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, we want to welcome you here, although I'm sorry for the reason.

[Pim]

Hello Tish,

your posts are what brought me to this forum. Despite your anguish, I thank you for that. I could so relate to everything you wrote.

How are you now? I'd love to hear.

Hugs, Pim

 

[Brandon Gibson]

Hi Tisha,

It's been 6 years. I just discovered your story. If I may ask, how are you coping, and how did you get through the Ordeal

[Mayluna]

Hi to all those people who feel like Tish including me. How are you? Because i think we all are just looking for a little of hope bc being in this state is killing us. 
 

[Darsson]

I also feel the same. I didn’t know this pain exist. It’s hard to explain but only people who experience the same can understand this weird feeling. I loss my husband just recently. I feel lost, shock, numb & helplesd. I feel so weak. But i have to stand up for my 2 kids even if i don’t like. Everyday is so fucking hard. I wanna be mad, shout but nothing is coming out. Everyday is miserable. I don’t know what i am going to do without him. I still believe that he will come back. When i feel the hard times, i wanna get mad at him. For leaving us & for not saying any single word. I was left alone. I am so weak. Very weak. I don’t know where to start. My head is floating. I can’t think, focus, i feel dead. Its so very hard without him. I only depending on him. He is my wall. And now that he’s gone, i don’t know where to lean on. I am so frustrated!!!

[KayC]

On 7/9/2018 at 8:43 AM, Claurb said:

I am looking for acceptance. I know he is dead, I just don't have the power to accept life the way it is now.

It 's a process...we don't have to like it but it happened regardless of how we feel about it...it takes more time than I care to say to make our way through the grieving process.  Every bit we do to help express ourselves....here, with a grief counselor, a grief support group, journaling, it all helps, reading grief books....

4 hours ago, Darsson said:

And now that he’s gone, i don’t know where to lean on.

I've learned the hard lesson that I have only myself to lean on now, I have to be my own best friend now that he is gone.  My protector, advocate, solace, the calm in the storm, he is gone.  So now it's up to me to be extra patient, kind, understanding of myself.  I have only myself to rely on.  No one to talk to (at home), no one to help me, it's all on me now.  It took me quite some time to get that.  

[foreverhis]

On 9/16/2022 at 12:18 AM, Darsson said:

. I didn’t know this pain exist. It’s hard to explain but only people who experience the same can understand this weird feeling. I loss my husband just recently. I feel lost, shock, numb & helplesd. I feel so weak.

No, none of us could have fully imagined just how our hearts and lives would shatter, how many feelings we'd have all at once, or how damn hard it would truly be when we lose our soulmates.  It might not help much right now, but you are not alone.  And no matter how much society wants us to "put on the brave face" and pretend to be strong, we are not, at least not in the first months and even couple of years.  It's different for everyone, but it's not easy and it's not fast going through this grief journey.  There are no set "stages" or "steps."  There's no "Start here" and "End here" where we are magically "back to normal."  The normal we knew is gone forever.  But that doesn't mean that our grief stays the same.  Over time and with lots of help, almost everyone finds the crushing weight of it easier to bear as we learn to carry it as part of us, and not the "everything" it is a first. 

In my first couple of years, I could never have imagined that I'd ever be able to take steps forward into a different life without my one essential love.  Yet somehow in my third year, I was able to "look back" and see just how many little steps I had in fact taken.  And in my fourth year, I started wanting to take them.  I am even finding bits of joy and a kind of happiness.  It's a different and "smaller" happiness to be sure, but now when I smile or even laugh, I no longer feel it's a betrayal of John's memory and our 35 years together.  Just these last few days, I found myself bringing him with me while I stayed with our sister-by-choice (my and John's bff for 33 years) and her husband (our brother-by-choice and other bff).  The pandemic didn't exactly strain or fray our love and friendship, but it did kind of stretch the bonds.  Every time we've been together over the past couple of years has been for things like special birthdays and events, plus their son's wedding (4 busy days that were so meaningful and lovely).  So she and my many years younger sister-by-birth both took 1-1/2 days off work so we could have time together, just time to reconnect and recenter.  We had an unstructured "girls' day" in the city and then met my BIL in the evening to go to a play and for a drink after.  We, all of us, brought John along with us in our memories and hearts.  We'd say, "Oh John would have loved this..." or "Remember when we all did that...?"  I never felt a moment when he wasn't present for me and that is everything to me.

On 9/16/2022 at 12:18 AM, Darsson said:

Everyday is miserable. I don’t know what i am going to do without him. I still believe that he will come back. When i feel the hard times, i wanna get mad at him. For leaving us & for not saying any single word. I was left alone. I am so weak. Very weak.

Your grief is fresh and raw like an open wound, which it is, though it's one most people cannot see nor understand.  Your loss incomprehensible right now.  It's more than okay to feel and be weak right now.  It's typical to be in shock and not be able to envision a life without your soulmate.  Accepting the reality takes time; it really does.  And by "accept" I mean solely the reality of it, not accepting that it was right or fair because it isn't and it never will be.  Being angry is completely typical too.  The vast array of emotions we feel can be overwhelming, especially when others who haven't been where we are don't understand and try to push us to "move on" or "get over it."  When others tell us how we should feel or what we should do, it's bound to make us angrier.  All emotions are valid and all are part of this difficult journey.

On 9/16/2022 at 12:18 AM, Darsson said:

I don’t know where to start. My head is floating. I can’t think, focus, i feel dead. Its so very hard without him. I only depending on him. He is my wall. And now that he’s gone, i don’t know where to lean on. I am so frustrated!!!

Making your way here is a good place to start because everyone understands in deeply personal ways.  We're each on a unique and unwelcome journey, but we walk the same road together.  You can lean on the members here.  Read, talk, rant, question, and "scream" if that helps.  We do not judge or tell you what to feel, think, or do.

When my husband died, he took most of my heart with him.  He was my everything in so many ways that I was suddenly left without the one person I knew I could go to, lean on, and rely on no matter what.  I faltered, feeling as if I would topple over with the slightest breeze.  How could the sun keep rising everyday without him?  How could others keep living their lives?  Didn't the universe know that my world had been ripped apart? 

When I found my way here at about 6 months, I felt lost and hopeless, even though I had and still have small loyal and loving circles of friends and family who are here for me.  Finding people who have been there, who are there, was my first step forward.  I hope it can be yours as well.

[I miss you so much]

Hello Tisha,

I don't know if you will read my message after so many years. I wonder how you're feeling now.

Your words are so familiar to me. I've just lost my soulmate, the love of my life, my dear one. 3 months ago.

We didn't live the life we dreamed of. We shared misery and many many problems for 12 years. We made so many mistakes...and I realize now of a big big one : We didn't get married.

He had a daughter from a previous relationship who came 3 weeks before his death and made this time a nightmare. She took all his belongings, even clothes and other things I had bought to him, with all my love. She could do this because at the time we were living in an appartment for ill people with difficulties to have accommodation. Only the ill person could sign the contract. 

The day of his death, the landlord of this appartment came with the daughter and made me leave the appartement, with his corpse there and without taking my things. I was in such a shock. The landlord knew it was me the person who lived with him and hadn't notice it to me in advance that I would be send away like that right after his death.

Her daughter had never accepted our relationship, the fact she wasn't the only one for his father.

His burial was organised without me in France, where we lived, but he didn't want to stay in France.

I couldn't stop it. Her daughter kept the information about the place he would be buried away from me. I had the chance someone informed me and I know where he is, but "his family" had been threatened me since then.

The two previous years to his death we had so many stupid discussions. I feel so guilty..

.I didn't give him enough love, I'd wish so much to have the possibility of embracing, and kissing him again, making love to him, saying him how much I love him, how important he is in my life, how amazing and wonderful he is.

Life is so cruel. I cannot believe how this have happened. We should be making our dreams true now, sharing our lives in a little house with a garden, a dog, a cat, some chickens...We didn't ask for much. He should be here with me. He should be in good health, enjoying little things such a walk, a good meal, reading a book...

He was such a good person, he deserved so much in life and only had suffering. He is my everything, my one and only, the one I had always dreamed of. 

I don't believe in after life, but I find myself wishing that it exists and meet him again, and be with him.

If we could only be back in time and avoid the mistakes and do the things in the right way and live the life we dreamed of...If I could only make him happy as I should have done...

Waking up each day and he's not there, it's really a nightmare. Letting the days pass, he's not there, it's such a torture.

[Gail 8588]

@I miss you so much 

I am so sorry for your loss and for how badly his family is treating you. But you know the love you had for each other. No one can take that away from you. You will carry him in your heart forever. 

Be kind to yourself. Know that he forgives you for petty arguments you had in life, just like you have forgiven him.  Try to let go of all the regrets of wishing you had done things differently.  Hold on to the love you shared, that was real and true, and still is. 

Take one day at a time. Come here and read posts, vent or share as you feel the need. We understand how hard this is. Our lives have been shattered too.

Gail

[KayC]

22 hours ago, I miss you so much said:

I've just lost my soulmate, the love of my life, my dear one. 3 months ago.

I am so sorry for your loss and also the way everything went down at the end, how very horrible!  Are you with family/friends?  I hope you have support around you, wherever you are.  Were you ever allowed to come back and get your stuff?  It's so unfair, I wish everywhere had marriage rights after living together so long.  No one ever dreams of this.   Esp. when the person is still fairly young.  

It helps to come here to read and post, we are the people who "get it" and understand, and you are very welcome here in our community.  This is like a family, you are one of us so long as you want to be.  Sending you big hugs. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[michaelswife]

I lost my soulmate, my rock, my protector, my best friend, my husband 8 long days ago. He was the love of my life. It was unexpected, and it blindsided me. In the midst of receiving bad news on top of bad news from the doctors, I was forced to make decisions that no person should ever have to make. Ultimately, I chose to have him remain sedated and taken off of life support, so that he could pass peacefully and without pain and suffering. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. I have gotten through the last week in a daze. I am angry and sad, lost and afraid, but mostly, I am just numb. I cry and cry, and then other times I feel empty inside, dead and emotionless. I didn't cry much at his memorial service, and I feel so guilty for that, but I was numb and checked out. Being without him for the rest of my life has been too difficult to process. It may seem to some that I didn't cry much at the service because I didn't care, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It's just the opposite. He was my reason for living. Every breath I took was for him. Everything I did was for him. He was, and will always be, my everything, my world, my other half. When he passed, he took my heart and soul with him. I am now an empty shell of my former self that goes through the motions of each passing day. I often wish he would come and get me so that we can be together again for eternity. I am 43, and the thought of living for many years without him by my side is devastating. When I wake in the mornings, it feels like he has passed all over again, and I dread the day because he isn't there to share it with me. At nighttime, I feel like I'm one day closer to being with him again, but I know morning is just the around the corner and the cycle keeps going. I can only hope that the day he comes to meet me to take me home with him will be soon. We were together for almost 14 years, and he had proposed to me two months after we first started dating. He always said he knew right away that he wanted to marry me, and that I was his soulmate. I knew instantly that he was mine. We had a connection that was deeper and more intense than any either of us had ever had. We could communicate without ever saying a word, and knew that our bond was unbreakable. A few days before he passed, he told me that he loved me more and more with every passing minute. There was a time when he thought that was impossible because he loved me so intensely, deeply, and unconditionally, but every moment that passed by his love for me continued to grow stronger and stronger. I felt the exact same way about him. I am grateful that when he passed he knew how much I loved him and that he meant everything to me, and I knew exactly how he felt about me. We were only married for 9 months, but I am blessed and honored to have been his wife. I never wanted much out of life. Money and cars and big houses did not appeal to me. My biggest dream in life from when I was small was to marry my soulmate, and grow old together. I feel cheated. We had hopes, dreams, and a lifetime of plans that we will never be able fulfill. My world has been turned upside down. When I walk into a room full of people, I can't breathe, and I feel so alone. I can't put one foot in front of the other. Without him, I just want to lay down and wait for him to come and get me. I feel his presence around me at times, but i want to feel his arms around me. I want to kiss him and hold his hand. I want to laugh with him, and have him dry my tears. I want to hear his voice, and hear the words "I love you with everything I have". He made life worth living, and without him, I don't have the will to continue. This has shaken me to my core, and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Right now, one day at a time seems too much. I struggle with one minute at a time. I don't know how to continue on without him, and I don't want to. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and want to welcome you here, I think I found a forum around two weeks into my journey, it saved me, it really did...knowing there are others that get it and understand.

This is for you also:

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[michaelswife]

Thank you very much! People keep trying to compare losing a parent, a sibling, a friend, or a loved one to losing a husband, soulmate, and other half. It's not the same, and cannot compare. Going to bed without him and waking up without him has been incredibly difficult. It's like realizing he's gone and not coming back all over again every single day. All losses are hard, but losing the love of your life cuts deeper than most. When things were hard or felt impossible, he was my rock, my strength, and my hope. He always made everything better. I leaned on him when things got too tough for me, and he would help me through whatever it was. He's not here to lean on to get through this, and while I do have support, it's not the same. They are not him. In a room full of people, I feel alone. When people are hugging me, and offering condolences, I feel alone. When people are telling me that they will be there if I need anything, I still feel alone. I miss him terribly, and I can actually feel my heart breaking. I don't see any sunshine or happiness in the days ahead. And I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I wish I could. I wish I could open my eyes from this nightmare and see him, hold him, kiss him, talk to him, look into his gorgeous eyes, and tell him everything that Ive told him a million times before. I don't feel like there was anything left unsaid. I just want more time. I would have always wanted more time with him because forever is not long enough. I'm struggling getting through minute by minute, and day by day seems impossible. I never imagined that our time together would be cut so short and so quickly. I never thought I'd have to live this life without him by my side. I don't want to live this life without him next to me. Why us? I often wonder what we did to deserve this. Did we love one another to deeply and intensely? Did we not help enough people that were struggling? We certainly tried to help everyone that we came across who needed it. Did we do something wrong somewhere along the way that I can't pinpoint? Why us? Why couldn't we have lived for many more years together in happiness? Did this happen because of the mistakes we made in life? Is it because we were facing our demons? Why us? And how do I move forward when I cannot put one foot in front of the other?

[KayC]

3 minutes ago, michaelswife said:

It's not the same, and cannot compare.

You're not a kidding! I thought I knew grief before this, I'd lost my dad, grandparents, countless pets, two miscarried babies, and since have lost aunts and uncles, mother, more pets, friends, favorite cousin, the list goes on and on! But nothing is the same as losing your spouse...I got a rescue dog, my soulmate in a dog, we lived together along with cats, and he was my perfect dog, highly evolved tonal communication (Husky), goofy, fun, sweet, loyal, protective, and living alone with him for so long it also killed me when I lost him to cancer.  They are the ones in our lives day after day, they are our support, they are our best friends, they are everything!

I, too, asked all the whys, I never got any resounding answers, I finally quit asking. It is what it is. But this is a process and it can take quite a while to get to that point, if ever.

No it didn't happen because of mistakes or anything else...near as I can tell, it's luck of the draw, life is not fair or equally doled out, that's for sure.  But rest easy on yourself!

9 minutes ago, michaelswife said:

I don't see any sunshine or happiness in the days ahead.

This is an evolutionary process, you just lost him!  Of course you don't see any good ahead, but we who are further down the road want to assure you it will come, it may be a few years, but it will come.  Hold on, try not to look ahead too far, just take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, that's a for sure!  Today, just breathe, eat something, drink something, get dressed, if you can, take a walk, it helps.

(((hugs)))

[Gail 8588]

Michaelswife, 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is not fair. It is not right.  It is not because of anything you did or didn't do.  It just is and it is terrible. 

Don't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself.  Don't expect too much from yourself for the next few months. 

Losing your soulmate is essentially a traumatic brain injury. You need to let your brain heal. Rest, eat, and do the things that have to be done today. Everything else can wait. Be patient with yourself. 

We know how hard this is. Our lives have been shattered too. Come here to read or post. We will offer what support we can but at least you will know you are not alone.

Gail 

[michaelswife]

Thank you for your kind words.

I walked into a store today to get some things for my mom ( I take care of her), and as soon as I walked in I couldn't breathe and my eyes filled with tears. I realized he wasn't in the car or at home waiting for me. He was gone. I have to keep reminding myself of that at times, because i still expect him to walk through the door or be in the car when I come out of the store. And then my world comes crashing down around me again..

[I miss you so much]

I wonder how you are now.

I totally identify with your words.

[I miss you so much]

On 7/23/2023 at 4:21 PM, michaelswife said:

I lost my soulmate, my rock, my protector, my best friend, my husband 8 long days ago. He was the love of my life. It was unexpected, and it blindsided me. In the midst of receiving bad news on top of bad news from the doctors, I was forced to make decisions that no person should ever have to make. Ultimately, I chose to have him remain sedated and taken off of life support, so that he could pass peacefully and without pain and suffering. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. I have gotten through the last week in a daze. I am angry and sad, lost and afraid, but mostly, I am just numb. I cry and cry, and then other times I feel empty inside, dead and emotionless. I didn't cry much at his memorial service, and I feel so guilty for that, but I was numb and checked out. Being without him for the rest of my life has been too difficult to process. It may seem to some that I didn't cry much at the service because I didn't care, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It's just the opposite. He was my reason for living. Every breath I took was for him. Everything I did was for him. He was, and will always be, my everything, my world, my other half. When he passed, he took my heart and soul with him. I am now an empty shell of my former self that goes through the motions of each passing day. I often wish he would come and get me so that we can be together again for eternity. I am 43, and the thought of living for many years without him by my side is devastating. When I wake in the mornings, it feels like he has passed all over again, and I dread the day because he isn't there to share it with me. At nighttime, I feel like I'm one day closer to being with him again, but I know morning is just the around the corner and the cycle keeps going. I can only hope that the day he comes to meet me to take me home with him will be soon. We were together for almost 14 years, and he had proposed to me two months after we first started dating. He always said he knew right away that he wanted to marry me, and that I was his soulmate. I knew instantly that he was mine. We had a connection that was deeper and more intense than any either of us had ever had. We could communicate without ever saying a word, and knew that our bond was unbreakable. A few days before he passed, he told me that he loved me more and more with every passing minute. There was a time when he thought that was impossible because he loved me so intensely, deeply, and unconditionally, but every moment that passed by his love for me continued to grow stronger and stronger. I felt the exact same way about him. I am grateful that when he passed he knew how much I loved him and that he meant everything to me, and I knew exactly how he felt about me. We were only married for 9 months, but I am blessed and honored to have been his wife. I never wanted much out of life. Money and cars and big houses did not appeal to me. My biggest dream in life from when I was small was to marry my soulmate, and grow old together. I feel cheated. We had hopes, dreams, and a lifetime of plans that we will never be able fulfill. My world has been turned upside down. When I walk into a room full of people, I can't breathe, and I feel so alone. I can't put one foot in front of the other. Without him, I just want to lay down and wait for him to come and get me. I feel his presence around me at times, but i want to feel his arms around me. I want to kiss him and hold his hand. I want to laugh with him, and have him dry my tears. I want to hear his voice, and hear the words "I love you with everything I have". He made life worth living, and without him, I don't have the will to continue. This has shaken me to my core, and has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Right now, one day at a time seems too much. I struggle with one minute at a time. I don't know how to continue on without him, and I don't want to. 

I know it won't help, but at least you could marry him, even if for so little time. At least, you're legally "his family".

We didn't married in 12 years, he was elusive the times I talk to him about it, just 2 times in 12 years. I didn't insist...and at the end, it was too late, a daughter from a previous relationship came into the scene and I was banned from our life. I've got no legal rights, as I was not legally "his wife". I was so broken up, and alone, I didn't have the strenght to fight for him, for us, against all the people that suddenly appear against me.

Where were these people when he was ill and he need love and care? Where were all these people in the hard times? In the problems?

At least, as his wife, you could decide about him and nobody can do nothing against you.

I know it doesn't help, but I think it hurts a bit less.

[michaelswife]

My husband and I were married. We got married in October 2022. That is why I had to make the painful and final decision to have a DNR in place and to have him removed from the ventilator. Unfortunately, it doesn't hurt any less by being married. Married or not the loss is still the same, and still just as difficult. We were together for almost 14 years, and did everything together. Nothing in this world will make losing him any better or any less painful. Im so sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time with your significant other's family. The one thing that they cannot take from you are the memories and the love that the two of you shared. No one can take that away.

[michaelswife]

I am still just as lost, empty, and deeply hurt as I was the day he passed. I actually feel worse with each passing day because it becomes one more day that I'm not with him, or haven't heard his voice, or felt his touch. Time seems to only be making it worse for me. It's only been 14 days since the love of my life, my soulmate has passed away, and I truly hope that I don't have to live another 20-30 years without him, because that would only cause me unimaginable suffering. I will find peace when I am with him again. Until then, I go through the motions...

[KayC]

@I miss you so much  (((hugs)))

@Michael's Wife I hope having been his wife is at least a consolation for you, I know for me it was.

[michaelswife]

I am honored and blessed to have been his wife, just as he was proud to be my husband. I loved every minute of being his wife! I would give anything for him to be here with me now. But, more than  anything I miss him, I miss his presence, his smiles, his laughter, his sense of humor, our talks, and kisses, and I miss him holding my hand, and playing with my hair, and being so protective of me, and holding me at night, and teasing me, and waking me up in the mornings in the sweetest ways, and the I love yous and our inside jokes, and every other big and small things about him and that him and I shared. Being married never changed our relationship. We always had a strong, secure, loving relationship, and both of us knew from the start that we are each other's soulmate.  We have never had any doubt. I miss my soulmate, my best friend, my other half.

[KayC]

Me too.  That never changed.  It never will.

[michaelswife]

Every day seems to get harder and harder, and mornings are especially difficult. I open my eyes and instantly remember all over again that he is gone. If I could have one wish, it would be that I could go be with him in Heaven. I don't have the will to go on without him, and I don't feel like there is anything left here for me. I miss him so much that I can actually feel my heart break! My soul, my heart, and my body are so exhausted, and I truly hope that my time to go is soon. I believe that it's up to God when my time here is through, but I pray it's soon because I am suffering. I want to be at peace, and to be with my soulmate. 

[michaelswife]

2 minutes ago, Gator M said:

These feelings are so close to mine...even now.

@michaelswife You are in my prayers.  I believe he is in God's company free of: sorrow, pain, and worry.  He's bathed in love and peace beyond understanding.

Though that is what gives me some comfort...like you I don't want to be here. 

This is a tough road to travel.

So, while you/we are here in this world  please come here for understanding, for comfort, to vent and to grieve.

We here will support you as best we can.  I for one will pray for you...and all of us.

 

Thank you so much for your words. They truly help. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through anything that makes you feel even remotely close to what I feel. No one should ever have to endure that kind of deep, intense pain. I always knew that one of us would outlive the other, but I never in a million years expected to be a 43 year old widow. He passed away so young, and I am scared to death to think that I may have to live 30 or 40 years without him. That seems like a lifetime away from him, and I don't believe that my heart can handle it. I'd honestly be ok, if a doctor told me that I had 6 months or a year to live. I miss him so much that it's killing me.

[michaelswife]

@Gator M Your struggles and grief sound so similar to mine. I, too, believe in an afterlife, and I cannot wait to join my husband there. He is the only one for me. I will never, and have no desire to be in another relationship. For now, I sit at home and talk to him, and search online for ways to find some type of comfort until my time comes to be with him again. I pray to God that it is soon.

[KayC]

I was 52 when my George died, nearly 71 now, will likely live into my 90s, I still do one day at a time.  We don't get to pick and choose how long we live but can keep doing one day at a time, live in the moment.  I must say it gets more challenging the older I get.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

We don't get to pick and choose how long we live but can keep doing one day at a time, live in the moment.  I must say it gets more challenging the older I get.

Spot on as usual, Kay.

Just last night, a friend and I were coming home from a small outing. The subject of pet love and loss came up because my sister and BIL are visiting and their lovely dog is showing his age (medium-large size, 13 years old, been through a couple of serious, but treatable issues).

We talked about how companion animals require us to be in the present because that’s how they live always. I credit Raleigh visiting me 4-5 afternoons a week for 4-5 hours during stay-at-home with helping me not fall back into the deep dark pit that was my first year without John. She’s super sensitive and would always, still does always, react by either loving on me even more or deciding and demanding that it must be “Here’s my ball! Play time, Annie!”

And now I have my feisty, smart, stubborn, beautiful, loving Cosi girl too. I have to be present for her because I made her a promise that I would never abandon her as she had been before. There’s a purpose to my life that was missing from the day I lost John. It’s not the same, of course, but I also suspect John had something to do with why I couldn’t get her picture and story out of my heart and mind. I had intended to meet her so I could move on because she is not the kind of cat I had in mind. I didn’t want young, active, and challenging. But somebody up there decided, “Yes, you do. Here she is.” And even when she’s driving me a bit crazy, I couldn’t ever let her go.

[KayC]

Annie, I'm glad you have Raleigh and Cosi!
So thankful for Kodie and Panther too!  I miss Joe. I can't believe they didn't tell me they were having him put to sleep, did they not know how much I love/d him?!  Just because he seriously injured my hands and I could no longer walk him, it did NOT mean I didn't love him fully!