I lost my husband and the will to live

[michaelswife]

It's been one and a half months since my husband passed away, and I don't feel any better. I hate to go to sleep because I have these nightmares that my husband is mad at me. We rarely fought in our 14 years of being together, so this is incredibly upsetting. When I wake up, I cry for hours because these dreams feel  so real and they break my heart all over again. I feel so guilty for so many different things, and these nightmares make me feel 100x worse.

[michaelswife]

Thank you for you advice. I don't do well in groups, however I would like to get a grief counselor. I just have to wait for my insurance to get corrected, which hopefully will be soon. As for friends, well it seems that now I don't have any. Those I thought were good friends turned out to be anything but. I have my dad, stepmom, and mom but because they are all still RAW with their own grief from other recent passings, I don't typically go to them. It brings up too much pain for them. I've always tried to be a good person, and to put others first. But lately, I feel like I'm getting the crap "end of every stick" so to speak. I've been having nightmares of either my husband passing or of him being angry with me. We rarely fought when he was alive, so these vivid dreams really upset me. I hope he's not angry with me. I couldn't bare that on top of everything else...

[michaelswife]

Wow! I wonder if that's a sign (your name being the same as my husband's). I'm not mad or hard on the people that have distanced themselves from me. I expected it from most. It's one person in particular that I'm incredibly hurt by and disappointed in. We were best friends for over 25 years, and I had thought that maybe she'd be there for me. She has completely disappeared, and only texts me when someone pushes her to do so. You are right though. I don't want someone to be here with me and supporting me if they don't want to. I reach out to my dad and stepmom sometimes, but my mom is more difficult. My stepdad passed away 5 years ago in an almost identical way to my husband, so whenever I go to her about my grief, it becomes about hers and then im consoling her. Its so difficult to support her when I'm dying inside.  I will take your advice and watch some NDE on YouTube. I think that's a good idea. Thank you!

[michaelswife]

I'm so sorry to hear that! I hope that she comes around soon! Michael has two daughters. They only call me when they want something, like money or a ride. I try not to give them too much because I don't want them to think that it's ok to use people, but at the same time I want to see my granddaughter. She's the only reason that I smile at all. I will pray that your daughter comes around and stops pulling away.

[KayC]

Try reminding yourself it was a nightmare and no accounting for those...it may be that your feeling guilt (and remember feelings are not facts) is what is bringing up those nightmares.  Remind yourself how much he loved you and you never fought, that says a LOT!

A good grief group doesn't require you to talk if you don't want to. They often have material and the group forms a bond...I know, I led one for years.

[michaelswife]

Thank you! I will consider it. I have a lot of guilt. I feel guilty smiling, laughing, eating, sleeping, doing anything at all really. I feel guilty that even though I fought as hard as I could for his care, maybe I should have pushed myself to fight even harder for the drs to do something to save him or transfer him to a facility that could, and that maybe I shouldn't have taken him off life support because maybe something could have been done. I know in my head that there was nothing they could do. The blood clot in his heart was just too big. But my heart goes off on its own ...

[KayC]

I wonder why it is we always feel responsible even though we aren't.  I even felt like that when my dog died of cancer, even though I cooked for him his whole life to control his acute chronic Colitis.  I thought maybe what I fed him gave him cancer, although it's more likely I gave him quality of life while he had it and God knows I loved him and would have done anything for him.  The vets let us down...two weeks before his diagnosis he passed his physical with flying colors.  How did they miss it?!

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, michaelswife said:

It's been one and a half months since my husband passed away, and I don't feel any better. I hate to go to sleep because I have these nightmares that my husband is mad at me. We rarely fought in our 14 years of being together, so this is incredibly upsetting. When I wake up, I cry for hours because these dreams feel  so real and they break my heart all over again. I feel so guilty for so many different things, and these nightmares make me feel 100x worse.

Welcome.  I'm sorry you have a reason to be here with us.  Your loss and grief are so raw and new that I'd be shocked if you felt "better" at all.

I too hated going to sleep at first.  I had insomnia already and couldn't even bring myself to "go to bed" in our bed.  For close to 2 years, I slept virtually every night on the sofa with the TV or music on softly in the background.  Sometimes, more often as time went by, I'd fall asleep on the sofa, but then wake a few hours later and drag myself up to our bed for a few hours more.  It's only this year, as of January 2, that I go upstairs and go to bed.  That's mostly because I adopted a cat and she is quite insistent about bedtime and where we sleep.  Plus, it's a comfort having her next to me, cuddled up to John's pillow (she "claimed" it immediately), so the nights aren't as bad now.

About those nightmares.  I can't say how common they are, but I can tell you about mine.  To be honest, I have no idea how many times I actually dreamed about John at first or even now.  But there are three I remember vividly because they were so upsetting that my brain yanked me out of sleep.  Like you dream of your husband, I dreamed that John was angry with me.  More, he was furious and destructive with his anger, though not violent toward me or another living being.  This behavior was so unlike him that I guess my heart was shocked into tapping my mind and saying, "Get me out of here!"  John and I didn't fight often.  We weren't perfect and we didn't always agree, but we didn't yell or scream or anything like that. 

In one nightmare, he was yelling and throwing big pieces of furniture across the somehow overstuffed living room.  The moment that snapped me into waking was when I asked him if he ever loved me, he said yes, but when I asked him if he still did, he said no.  I had never known a "cold sweat" until then.  I was shaking and couldn't stop thinking about it.  In a second nightmare, he was angry and cold and distant.  The whole of it isn't as vivid to me, but the end is because it broke my heart in a different way:  I could see him in the distance making love to another woman (no one we know, just a vague "woman").  We were 100% faithful to each other for 35 years, but somehow my mind was convinced that this was him showing me that he didn't love me.   The third wasn't exactly a nightmare because John wasn't angry with me, but it was frustrating.  We were out on a ranch somewhere (probably bits and pieces of places we'd been over the decades) and riding horses (we both rode, but not consistently after we met and married).  Then suddenly we were running around chasing...something.  It was something we'd lost and couldn't ever quite catch again.  Lately, I have vague images and memories of "Oh, John was part of my dreams last night."  They aren't nightmares now and I couldn't tell you a single detail, just that he was somehow there and part of it.

I've come to realize that my then guilt-ridden heart and mind created scenarios out of thin air.  Feeling guilty is incredibly common in early grief, especially for people like the members here who are searching for the "why" and "how" and feel like we should have done more, been better, etc.  Our wonderful KayC sometimes reminds us that feelings are not facts and that just because we feel guilty, it doesn't mean we are.  We are guilty of nothing more than loving our soulmates and wishing so much for a different outcome that the illogical result is to look in the mirror and point back at ourselves saying, "It's your fault!"  Of course it isn't, but that doesn't make it an easy journey shifting feelings of guilt into regret.  It took me years.  Even now, there are times the guilt creeps in for a bit.

You'll probably get sick of hearing this, if you aren't already, but right now you need to take it one day, one hour, at a time.  I've learned that it's a cliche because it's true.  Just breathe and do the things that must be done.  Eat and stay hydrated as best you can.  At this point, simply getting out of bed, getting dressed, and doing the smallest of mundane tasks is a triumph.  Truly.

Please keep coming here to talk, read, and simply be among people who understand in ways that others often do not, cannot, or will not.  You are not alone.

[DWS]

5 hours ago, michaelswife said:

I hate to go to sleep because I have these nightmares that my husband is mad at me. We rarely fought in our 14 years of being together, so this is incredibly upsetting. When I wake up, I cry for hours because these dreams feel  so real and they break my heart all over again. 

Our minds are so messed up in those initial weeks. When we're awake, the mind is going a mile a minute with us controlling it and leading it down all sorts of paths but at night while we're asleep, that seems to be the time when the mind can basically do what it wants. And interestingly enough, it wants to help us sort things to ease the stress on our bodies and well-being. 

I had two vivid dreams in those first few weeks...both of them started out with Tom and I showing up together at an event and soon after, we got separated and then eventually, I lost sight of him. This was so upsetting to me as they were the total opposite of what I wanted. I didn't want him to go away in my dreams! It was around week seven when I totally broke down. The sheer impact of his absence had kicked in big time which I now see was acceptance of the loss (but not acceptance of him being taken away from me). Shortly after that, I had a sweet dream of the two of us together innocently brushing our teeth before bed. What I believe now is that it was my mind's way...through my dreams...to ease me into acceptance. 

So perhaps that's what's happening for you right now. It's not at all pleasant but these dreams could be easing you into acceptance. As you say, you rarely fought so the dreams don't make any sense...just like Tom would not just drift away from me at a party and leave me all alone.

[michaelswife]

6 hours ago, Gator M said:

Guilt is from the evil one.

Are you a medical expert?  It was their job not yours.

Don't get me started on medical staff.  My wife died of sepsis WAITING on insurance...how does that happen?

 

I know you are right, but I can't help but feel that if i had pushed that hospital harder or had him transferred to someplace better then maybe someone would have caught the blood clot in his heart sooner. He moaned and cried in pain all day and all night for 7 straight days from the cancer. To me, that is unacceptable for him to suffer like that, and them to do very little about it. I also requested a cardiologist consult but no one ever came. He went in to the hospital for a mass on his lung, and died 9 days later from a blood clot in his heart. There was never any indication in any of the testing that he had or to any of the dr. that had seen him that there was a problem. Everyone said he had a good strong heart. I think he got lousy care because he had welfare insurance. I am so incredibly sorry for what happened to your wife. That is unacceptable for anyone to go through something like that because of a health insurance issue. If these hospitals stopped worrying about the dollar bill and started worrying about human life, less people would suffer and less people would die.

[michaelswife]

I completely agree with you, and it's hard not to be angry or to feel like I took him to the wrong place or that maybe I could have done more.  I fought all day every day and I tried to learn as much as I could as quickly as I could. I never left his side in the 9 days he was there except to go to the nurses station and to used the bathroom. I'm so sorry your wife suffered because of the poor medical system we have. It's unfair.

[michaelswife]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Welcome.  I'm sorry you have a reason to be here with us.  Your loss and grief are so raw and new that I'd be shocked if you felt "better" at all.

I too hated going to sleep at first.  I had insomnia already and couldn't even bring myself to "go to bed" in our bed.  For close to 2 years, I slept virtually every night on the sofa with the TV or music on softly in the background.  Sometimes, more often as time went by, I'd fall asleep on the sofa, but then wake a few hours later and drag myself up to our bed for a few hours more.  It's only this year, as of January 2, that I go upstairs and go to bed.  That's mostly because I adopted a cat and she is quite insistent about bedtime and where we sleep.  Plus, it's a comfort having her next to me, cuddled up to John's pillow (she "claimed" it immediately), so the nights aren't as bad now.

About those nightmares.  I can't say how common they are, but I can tell you about mine.  To be honest, I have no idea how many times I actually dreamed about John at first or even now.  But there are three I remember vividly because they were so upsetting that my brain yanked me out of sleep.  Like you dream of your husband, I dreamed that John was angry with me.  More, he was furious and destructive with his anger, though not violent toward me or another living being.  This behavior was so unlike him that I guess my heart was shocked into tapping my mind and saying, "Get me out of here!"  John and I didn't fight often.  We weren't perfect and we didn't always agree, but we didn't yell or scream or anything like that. 

In one nightmare, he was yelling and throwing big pieces of furniture across the somehow overstuffed living room.  The moment that snapped me into waking was when I asked him if he ever loved me, he said yes, but when I asked him if he still did, he said no.  I had never known a "cold sweat" until then.  I was shaking and couldn't stop thinking about it.  In a second nightmare, he was angry and cold and distant.  The whole of it isn't as vivid to me, but the end is because it broke my heart in a different way:  I could see him in the distance making love to another woman (no one we know, just a vague "woman").  We were 100% faithful to each other for 35 years, but somehow my mind was convinced that this was him showing me that he didn't love me.   The third wasn't exactly a nightmare because John wasn't angry with me, but it was frustrating.  We were out on a ranch somewhere (probably bits and pieces of places we'd been over the decades) and riding horses (we both rode, but not consistently after we met and married).  Then suddenly we were running around chasing...something.  It was something we'd lost and couldn't ever quite catch again.  Lately, I have vague images and memories of "Oh, John was part of my dreams last night."  They aren't nightmares now and I couldn't tell you a single detail, just that he was somehow there and part of it.

I've come to realize that my then guilt-ridden heart and mind created scenarios out of thin air.  Feeling guilty is incredibly common in early grief, especially for people like the members here who are searching for the "why" and "how" and feel like we should have done more, been better, etc.  Our wonderful KayC sometimes reminds us that feelings are not facts and that just because we feel guilty, it doesn't mean we are.  We are guilty of nothing more than loving our soulmates and wishing so much for a different outcome that the illogical result is to look in the mirror and point back at ourselves saying, "It's your fault!"  Of course it isn't, but that doesn't make it an easy journey shifting feelings of guilt into regret.  It took me years.  Even now, there are times the guilt creeps in for a bit.

You'll probably get sick of hearing this, if you aren't already, but right now you need to take it one day, one hour, at a time.  I've learned that it's a cliche because it's true.  Just breathe and do the things that must be done.  Eat and stay hydrated as best you can.  At this point, simply getting out of bed, getting dressed, and doing the smallest of mundane tasks is a triumph.  Truly.

Please keep coming here to talk, read, and simply be among people who understand in ways that others often do not, cannot, or will not.  You are not alone.

Thank you so much! This made complete sense to me. I try to take it one day at a time, but with such a minimal support system I spend my time alone. Coming here has helped me the most. 

[widower2]

2 hours ago, michaelswife said:

I completely agree with you, and it's hard not to be angry or to feel like I took him to the wrong place or that maybe I could have done more.  I fought all day every day and I tried to learn as much as I could as quickly as I could. I never left his side in the 9 days he was there except to go to the nurses station and to used the bathroom. I'm so sorry your wife suffered because of the poor medical system we have. It's unfair.

Above all please don't beat yourself up; THAT is unfair. Our medical profession is on the whole a joke. Every time I hear something about the "biggest killer" of people and they say something like heart disease or cancer, I think BS: it's medical incompetence/apathy. We went to (supposedly) the best cancer centers in the world and they were a joke. To this day there are so-called doctors still alive on this Earth only because I didn't feel like going to jail for the rest of my life by killing them or at least beating them to within an inch of their life and enjoying it quite a lot. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Glad you didn't do it.

[foreverhis]

31 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Glad you didn't do it.

@widower2 I absolutely agree with Gail on this.  Not that I don't understand the sentiment.  I do, but we are much better for you being here with us and not in prison somewhere.  I hope you feel that way too.

[widower2]

I appreciate that. Mixed feelings quite frankly.

Or to put it another way: if I was on a jury where someone was up for charges of attacking some POS so-called "doctor" for similar medical incompetence, they'd never get a guilty conviction. 

[michaelswife]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

Above all please don't beat yourself up; THAT is unfair. Our medical profession is on the whole a joke. Every time I hear something about the "biggest killer" of people and they say something like heart disease or cancer, I think BS: it's medical incompetence/apathy. We went to (supposedly) the best cancer centers in the world and they were a joke. To this day there are so-called doctors still alive on this Earth only because I didn't feel like going to jail for the rest of my life by killing them or at least beating them to within an inch of their life and enjoying it quite a lot. 

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through medical incompetency and losing your spouse as well. I took my husband to the emergency room on July 2nd and that's when they found the mass in his lung. They were going to admit him, but then the admitting doctor came in and said that it was a holiday weekend and because of that he wouldn't see any specialists so he should go home. 4 days later I had to take him back by ambulance, and 9 days from that he passed away (July 15th). Turns out that the doctor lied and he would have seen specialists that weekend. Not only did we lose 4 days of him going through tests (in which they could have found that blood clot and done something about it), but he suffered tremendously during that time unnecessarily. He went from having a strong heart according to every test and doctor that heard him, to having stress related heart failure and a blood clot that ultimately killed him in such a short time. These doctors should be held accountable for taking an oath to do their best and then failing to do so because of someone's insurance or lack of it, or because of their history, or whatever other reason they discriminate against people. 

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

@widower2 I absolutely agree with Gail on this.  Not that I don't understand the sentiment.  I do, but we are much better for you being here with us and not in prison somewhere.  I hope you feel that way too.

I do agree that it's better you are here with us then being in prison for hurting these lousy doctors. They should be in jail, not you

[KayC]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

think BS: it's medical incompetence/apathy.

For sure!  I don't think all doctors are iincompetent, but I saw how horrid some can be at my last trip in to the NP and then urgent care.  To trust them with my life sounds perilous.

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Our medical profession is on the whole a joke. Every time I hear something about the "biggest killer" of people and they say something like heart disease or cancer, I think BS: it's medical incompetence/apathy. We went to (supposedly) the best cancer centers in the world and they were a joke

I know we went through this quite a few times, but yes I have to still agree with you. Sadly, I think the whole medical and especially the pharmaceutical industry are geared to maximizing profits and to hell with people getting better. Keeping people healthy is not profitable. Of course, there are some good doctors but they are very rare to find. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

Of course, there are some good doctors but they are very rare to find. 

I had one and he suddenly moved.  I really liked him, he was an active listener, which is HTF.

[michaelswife]

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

The system that killed Ann was Oschner.. They own almost everything here.  NOW  they are teaming up with MD Anderson...sound familiar?

The same doctor who claimed my wife was very curable...Christmas, let her die of sepsis Jan 13 waiting on insurance?  It takes 3 weeks for insurance?  MEDICARE??,

No it doesn't take 3 weeks for Medicare. That medical facility/doctor is negligent. They took an oath when they became a doctor to care for the sick regardless of insurance, race, gender, religious beliefs, etc. I'm so sorry that you and your wife had to endure Prospect Holdings neglected my stepdad, not feeding him, leaving him lying in his own poop and pee, and telling him to "deal with the fact that you wont be leaving here. You know you are going to die, right?" (Nurses words). And Main Line Health was negligent with my husband. I guess having Medicaid or Medicare means having lousy care from the medical community. 

[KayC]

I think our best bet is to take really good care of ourselves.  My 8 year old granddaughter just told me I'm in really great shape for someone with grey hair.  I'll take that!

[Gail 8588]

Gator,

I think many of us share your position. For me, I am more concerned about living a poor quality of life than I am about dying.  So I focus more on keeping healthy.

My mom lived an active life right up until her death. On Thursday she hosted 4 tables of duplicate bridge with a lovely buffet lunch.  She came in 2nd place. The following Tuesday she died.  That's the type of life/death I hope for.

A good friend of ours died of ALS after a decade of decline.  That type of prognosis terrifies me. 

I am very much aware we don't get to chose what comes our way, but I am going to try to keep my body functioning as well as I can for the time I am here. 

I didn't really address this issue the first several years of my grief.  It was only after I finally found a path forward that I gave it any thought at all. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

Do I try to take some care of myself or not?

Try. Because what if you don't shorten your life but the quality is severely diminished!

[Boggled]

On 8/28/2023 at 12:31 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I am very much aware we don't get to chose what comes our way, but I am going to try to keep my body functioning as well as I can for the time I am here. 

Man, this sounds totally right to me.  Thanks, Gail.

[MariePaul]

On 4/7/2014 at 12:35 AM, frankly said:It helped that strangers here, cared.  It really didn't matter what they said, just the fact that they took the time to respond to me, acknowledge that they understood what I was feeling....... That helped me get through many a day.

I am only new here but I am finding comfort in knowing that I’m among others who are going through or have gone through what I am.

 

It is still early days for me.  I am 53 and Paul was 57. We honestly thought that we’d be together into our 80s like my mum and both his parents. Now the prospect of living that long without him fills me with dread. I want to be with him and I hope sincerely that it won’t be too long. But I wouldn’t kill myself, because the point is that I want to be with him - & with suicide that’s not guaranteed. 

Also I know he wouldn’t want me to. He loved me and he’d want me to go onwards and be a ‘ok’ (I can’t say happy). I’m just trying to concentrate on doing what I KNOW he would want me to and hope to be with him again sooner rather than later. 

[KayC]

My husband had just had his 51st birthday five days before, I was 52.  In my family we live into our 90s, the thought of 40 years looming ahead was daunting.  I thought we had 20-30 years before he'd die!  His dad was still alive!

That was 18 1/2 years ago, I am growing old very much alone.  

I have been doing one day at a time, anything more than that and I invite anxiety and it's very much daunting.  Back to today....

[LindaJimmy]

I lost my husband, and when I did, I lost part of myself.  As one person posted, I can only take it one day at a time.  I keep busy.  Friends are wonderful, but they have no idea that it does not remove my pain.  Not a day goes by where I don't feel on the verge of a meltdown.  I accept this.  No counseling will help. Nobody can help.  I have to help myself the best I can because it is my pain, my personal pain.  No one else has the loss of my better half.  Acceptance is the best it gets.  I have our dogs.  They actually do help.

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/28/2023 at 1:31 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Gator,

I think many of us share your position. For me, I am more concerned about living a poor quality of life than I am about dying.  So I focus more on keeping healthy.

My mom lived an active life right up until her death. On Thursday she hosted 4 tables of duplicate bridge with a lovely buffet lunch.  She came in 2nd place. The following Tuesday she died.  That's the type of life/death I hope for.

A good friend of ours died of ALS after a decade of decline.  That type of prognosis terrifies me. 

I am very much aware we don't get to chose what comes our way, but I am going to try to keep my body functioning as well as I can for the time I am here. 

I didn't really address this issue the first several years of my grief.  It was only after I finally found a path forward that I gave it any thought at all. 

Gail

 

I just learned that grief can make your body become sick. I’m gonna maintain my physical health as well as I can because I don’t want to have health ailments down the line and want to live a long life. 

I scheduled a telehealth appointment with a nutritionist who can teach me how to eat healthier and recommend the foods and vegetables I should eat and which foods and vegetables I should avoid.
I’m also gonna ask my pcp to give me a referral to see a cardiologist to have my heart and coroid arteries checked cuz cardiovascular disease runs on my mom’s side of the family. 

 

[JonathanFive]

On 8/26/2023 at 3:59 PM, KayC said:

I wonder why it is we always feel responsible even though we aren't.  

Because we hate to admit we have no control, we were powerless?  Could not change fate, or cheat death for our loves?   Because we could not cheat death, and be the protector of our mate, we blame ourselves?

I do not know.  Certainly, we do find ways to blame ourselves.  Certainly, I blame myself for his death

[Griefsucks810]

9 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Because we hate to admit we have no control, we were powerless?  Could not change fate, or cheat death for our loves?   Because we could not cheat death, and be the protector of our mate, we blame ourselves?

I do not know.  Certainly, we do find ways to blame ourselves.  Certainly, I blame myself for his death

You shouldn’t blame yourself for his death cuz this is your grief messing with your mind.  There isn’t anything on this earth you  could have done to prevent him from dying.

We can’t cheat death for ourselves or for our loved ones or change fate because God decides and controls who and when people will die.  

[JonathanFive]

I can't help thinking he left the world not knowing how much I truly loved him, or how much it would hurt me to lose him. I loved with all my heart, and the waves of sadness are like nothing I've ever had, or will ever have for anybody else.

I truly understand why the humanities romanticize loss now. Why we marvel at the pain and suffering of losing a soulmate.
 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/26/2024 at 7:52 AM, LindaJimmy said:

I lost my husband, and when I did, I lost part of myself.  As one person posted, I can only take it one day at a time.  I keep busy.  Friends are wonderful, but they have no idea that it does not remove my pain.  Not a day goes by where I don't feel on the verge of a meltdown.  I accept this.  No counseling will help. Nobody can help.  I have to help myself the best I can because it is my pain, my personal pain.  No one else has the loss of my better half.  Acceptance is the best it gets.  I have our dogs.  They actually do help.

Glad that you have the dogs cuz they will show you their unconditional love, attention, affection and their loyalty every day of their lives. 

[Griefsucks810]

2 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I can't help thinking he left the world not knowing how much I truly loved him, or how much it would hurt me to lose him. I loved with all my heart, and the waves of sadness are like nothing I've ever had, or will ever have for anybody else.

I truly understand why the humanities romanticize loss now. Why we marvel at the pain and suffering of losing a soulmate.
 

He was aware and knew how much you loved him while he was alive and before he died.  I truly believe this and so should you. Your grief is making your mind think that he left this world without knowing how much you loved him.   When did your spouse/ partner pass away? 

It is indescribable as to how much our pain and suffering affects our bodies and our minds when losing our soulmate. 

[JonathanFive]

1 minute ago, Griefsucks810 said:

  When did your spouse/ partner pass away? 

December 8th, 2023 - 7 or almost 8 ago weeks I guess

[Griefsucks810]

21 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

December 8th, 2023 - 7 or almost 8 ago weeks I guess

Oh wow that wasn’t not too long ago .  You have a long way to go before you’ll start to even feel better. 

There’s no time limit as to how long you grieve.  I survive day by day and don’t think too far ahead cuz none of us are promised tomorrow. 

[JonathanFive]

25 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

 You have a long way to go before you’ll start to even feel better. 

It comes and goes in waves - there might even still be some, "lingering shock."

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/27/2023 at 12:45 PM, michaelswife said:

No it doesn't take 3 weeks for Medicare. That medical facility/doctor is negligent. They took an oath when they became a doctor to care for the sick regardless of insurance, race, gender, religious beliefs, etc. I'm so sorry that you and your wife had to endure Prospect Holdings neglected my stepdad, not feeding him, leaving him lying in his own poop and pee, and telling him to "deal with the fact that you wont be leaving here. You know you are going to die, right?" (Nurses words). And Main Line Health was negligent with my husband. I guess having Medicaid or Medicare means having lousy care from the medical community. 

Sue that facility and all of staff members who were assigned to take care of him for neglect and medical malpractice!  It’s a disgrace how the medical staff at these facilities get away with neglect cuz we entrusted them to properly care for our loved ones. All medical facilities and the medical staff need to be held to stricter standards of care and stricter laws enforced to protect the rights of patients and that they receive a high quality of care and be treated with decency and respect regardless of their health insurance. 

[HisMunchkin]

10 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

It comes and goes in waves - there might even still be some, "lingering shock."

I know exactly what you mean.  Felt o.k. for a few days last week and though, "Oh, I must be moving forward!"  Even told people that I haven't cried in a few days, then Saturday I just broke down.  Cried, hyperventilated.  Cried Sunday and today.  Today, I took a walk to a nearby drug store and saw Valentine's Day stuff for sale and that gave me a punch in the chest.  Then I passed by the tennis court where my husband used to play, and still tried to play when he started treatments for cancer until the side effects made it impossible.  I held back my tears as much as I could until I got home, then let the flood gates open.  In fact, I'm crying now as I type.  I'm sorry, I don't remember how your husband passed away, JonathanFive.  If you feel comfortable, could you share that story again, please?  

[JonathanFive]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

 I'm sorry, I don't remember how your husband passed away, JonathanFive.  If you feel comfortable, could you share that story again, please?  

I will eventually, I haven't shared the details.  I will though.  Maybe later tonight.  I'm fixing coffee, I don't care if I work in the morn

[Sar123]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Then I passed by the tennis court where my husband used to play, and still tried to play when he started treatments for cancer until the side effects made it impossible.  I

This brings back memories for me as well. My husband loved to golf, but the aggressive chemo he was on made it so he couldn’t. At one point, we drove to the golf course where he had played on a league and waited for his friends to come by. We watched and they came over to say hi. It was hard to see him get weaker and thinner . I would take our dog for a walk and cry so he wouldn’t have to see or hear me crying.

 When the cancer had spread to his liver, his oncologist said to go back on chemo, but he didn’t want to. I talked him into it and how I wish I hadn’t. No one told us that the chemo would poison his liver and that’s what ended up killing him. Even the supposedly great Mayo Clinic (not so great for pancreatic cancer) told him to stay on chemo. By the time our son and his family arrived on October 31st after he had a round of chemo, it was too late. He did get to see our 5 month old grandson, but he was so sick, he couldn’t even hold him. I regret not having my son and his family come earlier, but Mayo told us he had 6 months left, but it turned out to be 5 weeks. When I start to blame myself and feel guilt, I tell myself I can’t change the outcome. I wish I could but I can’t. Year two of grieving has a different set of challenges than year one. 

[7779311]

1 hour ago, Sar123 said:

Year two of grieving has a different set of challenges than year one

I'd like to hear more about what you mean, if that's o.k. I'm only on day 44 and understand my journey will be different than yours, but I'm interested in heaeing about your experience. 

[HisMunchkin]

13 hours ago, Sar123 said:

This brings back memories for me as well. My husband loved to golf, but the aggressive chemo he was on made it so he couldn’t. At one point, we drove to the golf course where he had played on a league and waited for his friends to come by. We watched and they came over to say hi. It was hard to see him get weaker and thinner . I would take our dog for a walk and cry so he wouldn’t have to see or hear me crying.

 When the cancer had spread to his liver, his oncologist said to go back on chemo, but he didn’t want to. I talked him into it and how I wish I hadn’t. No one told us that the chemo would poison his liver and that’s what ended up killing him. Even the supposedly great Mayo Clinic (not so great for pancreatic cancer) told him to stay on chemo. By the time our son and his family arrived on October 31st after he had a round of chemo, it was too late. He did get to see our 5 month old grandson, but he was so sick, he couldn’t even hold him. I regret not having my son and his family come earlier, but Mayo told us he had 6 months left, but it turned out to be 5 weeks. When I start to blame myself and feel guilt, I tell myself I can’t change the outcome. I wish I could but I can’t. Year two of grieving has a different set of challenges than year one. 

I felt a bit of anxiety reading about your husband's experience.  The false hope, the watching him get weaker and thinner and crying behind your husband's back so as not to stress him out.  It's very similar to what I went through. 

Please don't blame yourself for talking your husband into doing chemo again?  It is very understandable why you wanted him to get treated.  Last chance at living or at least buying more time.  Who wouldn't want to take that leap of faith?  And you weren't told of the potential side effects.  And then who's to say that if he didn't opt for chemo again that he wouldn't have gone early or suffered more, etc.?  One of the grief researchers or counselors I came across from reading or watching talks is that, with all these "What if's" scenarios, there is no real answer as to what the outcome would be had you chosen a different path.  Maybe it would've been better?  Maybe it would've been worse?  You'll never know.  So, instead of asking whether or not the end results would have been different (which can't be answered), ask yourself, are these questions helpful or harmful to me?  Is blaming myself helpful or harmful to me?   

 

 

15 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I will eventually, I haven't shared the details.  I will though.  Maybe later tonight.  I'm fixing coffee, I don't care if I work in the morn

O.K.  Whenever you're ready.  No pressure. 💝

[JonathanFive]

I drank an espresso last night and fell right to sleep

[Sar123]

@7779311 The beginning of year 2 is like coming out of a fog- reality sets in with this new life without my husband and one that I never wanted. I think of it like I had both of my legs amputated and now I’m learning to walk with prosthetic legs. It’s not the same and nothing will ever feel quite right again, but I am learning as I go. I’m still in our house and it’s too big for one person, but I’m staying in it for now. I’ve learned to do things that my husband used to do and it’s feels good to know I can. I’ve also learned to ask for help when I can’t figure it out on my own. I’m an introvert and shy so I don’t make friends easily. My grief counselor suggested doing things on my own like visiting a museum or go on a nature walk. I haven’t done that yet, but I plan to in the spring. I still miss my husband- a lot. Even when the sun is shining, it doesn’t make me happy like it used to, but it does make me more energetic. Everyone’s journey is different, and I know the grief will always be there, but I hope to grow as a person so it doesn’t overwhelm me like it did last year. The Tonkin’s Model of Grief diagram is a good one to look at. Hope that helps:)

@HisMunchkin I blame his oncologist & Mayo Clinic for not telling us that further chemo would poison his liver. When he was diagnosed, it hadn’t spread. We knew there was only a 10 percent survival rate with pc, but we hoped the chemo would shrink his tumor so they could do surgery, but it didn’t. He was always such an optimist. I used to call him Clark Griswold from the Christmas Vacation movies. When I start blaming myself, I always end up saying, I can’t change the outcome. I didn’t start seeing a grief counselor until October when I had to put down our dog. I wasn’t ready until then. My sessions have ended, but she is recommending a grief support group for people who have hit the one year mark. It hasn’t started yet, but it sounds interesting. It’s about how to proceed in this new way if life. 

[HisMunchkin]

30 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

The beginning of year 2 is like coming out of a fog- reality sets in with this new life without my husband and one that I never wanted. I think of it like I had both of my legs amputated and now I’m learning to walk with prosthetic legs. It’s not the same and nothing will ever feel quite right again, but I am learning as I go. I’m still in our house and it’s too big for one person, but I’m staying in it for now. I’ve learned to do things that my husband used to do and it’s feels good to know I can. I’ve also learned to ask for help when I can’t figure it out on my own. I’m an introvert and shy so I don’t make friends easily.

I'm already having to do thing that my husband used to do.  Just being thrown in, pretty much.  I'm also an introvert, don't have any kids, and I don't drive, so his passing resulted in a lot of sudden changes in my life in terms of social support, emotional support, and mobility.  On top of that, sorting out someone's affairs after their passing is something completely new to me, not to mention triggering.  I think I will also be staying at our house for some time, even though it's too big for just one person, and it's also a constant reminder of him.  Have you thrown out or donated his stuff? 

 

 

40 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

I didn’t start seeing a grief counselor until October when I had to put down our dog. I wasn’t ready until then. My sessions have ended, but she is recommending a grief support group for people who have hit the one year mark. It hasn’t started yet, but it sounds interesting. It’s about how to proceed in this new way if life. 

👍

[Griefsucks810]

On 8/26/2023 at 1:54 PM, michaelswife said:

Wow! I wonder if that's a sign (your name being the same as my husband's). I'm not mad or hard on the people that have distanced themselves from me. I expected it from most. It's one person in particular that I'm incredibly hurt by and disappointed in. We were best friends for over 25 years, and I had thought that maybe she'd be there for me. She has completely disappeared, and only texts me when someone pushes her to do so. You are right though. I don't want someone to be here with me and supporting me if they don't want to. I reach out to my dad and stepmom sometimes, but my mom is more difficult. My stepdad passed away 5 years ago in an almost identical way to my husband, so whenever I go to her about my grief, it becomes about hers and then im consoling her. Its so difficult to support her when I'm dying inside.  I will take your advice and watch some NDE on YouTube. I think that's a good idea. Thank you!

You’re mother is totally disregarding that you are grieving too. You should tell your mother how you feel about her not being there for you and let her know that you aren’t gonna give her any more support cuz she shows you none. You’re a better person than me cuz I’d tell my mom hey I come to you for emotional support and you wind up making it about your own grief which I’m no longer gonna put up with. 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

I'm already having to do thing that my husband used to do.  Just being thrown in, pretty much.  I'm also an introvert, don't have any kids, and I don't drive, so his passing resulted in a lot of sudden changes in my life in terms of social support, emotional support, and mobility.  On top of that, sorting out someone's affairs after their passing is something completely new to me, not to mention triggering.  I think I will also be staying at our house for some time, even though it's too big for just one person, and it's also a constant reminder of him.  Have you thrown out or donated his stuff? 

 

 

👍

I have not parted with any of my husband’s stuff and don’t plan to cuz it’s all I have left of him.  My mother and my daughter both suggested that I donate his stuff to Goodwill and told them both “no”. I still have the clothes he was wearing on the night he died.  

 

 

[7779311]

Thank you, Sar123.

[Sar123]

@HisMunchkin I donated a lot of his clothes to GoodWill. Some of the clothes were fairly new because he had lost so much weight. I’m getting teary eyed just thinking of when I would shop for new pants. Near the end, size 32 was too big and he was 6’1”. Anyway, I had his Vikings sweatshirt made into a teddy bear for my son & grandson and one made from a flannel shirt for my daughter. I still have his sweater he got in Mexico years ago hanging on a coatrack in our bedroom. Last winter I would hug that sweater and cry. Now I just hug it and talk to him. Have you decided what you plan on doing with your husband’s clothes and things? How are you doing these days? 
 

@7779311 You’re welcome:) How are doing so far?