Loss of an Adult Child

[Sabs]

Hi,

My name is Sabs & I am new to this site. My daughter recently passed away on the 10.11.11 aged 17. I live in Ireland and I just did a search for an online support group and this group was one of the first to come up. I have read a few of your posts and not knowing exactly what to do - I just hit the reply to topic button....so excuse me if I've butted in, instead of starting a new topic....I've not used a forum like this before. I am finding it very difficult to cope right now. I can't believe that my baby is gone...I could keep going here... but feel I should just introduce my self first. So HI ....

[ericasmom]

Sabs, you are doing fine, exactly the right thing to do is to come here as often as you like and post, cry, scream, ask questions, and just grieve as we try to let you know over time who we are, who we grieve, and how we find ourselves along this path. There is not one way to grieve, so please know that how ever you find yourself on any given day, it is not abnormal or weird, it is normal for this new normal. Please come back and tell us about your Girl. My Girl, Erica, was 19 wehn a train hit her car at a broken crossing. That was in 2003, I stay because it is my purpose to reach out to the next person and because, it is where I am understood most and feel close to everyone. We become a kind of family.

Bless you on this journey, hope to see you again after my meeting.

dee

[briansdad]

I had to post this for all our children because they will be forever young. They will never know the pain of growing old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=favgoOn-U1I&feature=related

[lolynbo]

SURGERY WENT GREAT PRAY FOR HEALING AND UNLIMITED MEDS

[Sabs]

HI Dee,

Thank you for your response. I have to say I feel very lonely right now. I know its been two months, but the disbelief is still huge. I have spent most of today walking around the house, just not believing that she is gone. I am sitting in her bed now, looking at her room and everything in it, as it was, I have not moved much. Its like its all still here and as it was...but she is not. Blu was 17 on the 26th of October and she was gone two weeks later...all her birthday cards are still up, we had a big halloween party/birthday party and I have not had the heart to take down the party decorations yet although I tried to today. Most mornings I manage to get up and get through the day, but only just. Christmas was so hard, it was Blu's favourite time of year - the christmas season seemed to start the week she died and I felt she was cheated out of christmas. It was horrible to spend christmas day with her in the cemetery, although I know she is not there. Blu was my only child and the house is just so quiet and empty now. My husband and I have gone from being a family to being a couple - today we were married 20 years - we did not feel much like celebrating. I don't know who I am without my Blu...I don't even know if I want to 'be' with out her. She was my reason...and she was a good and valid reason and she made my life make sense. It seems to be as hard now as it was the day she died. At times I can't breathe, I feel as if every cell in my body is screaming and I am going to go mad, I get so panicked it frightens me. I have talked to friends who have experienced the death of parents and partners, but no one seems to have experienced this panic that I feel. My husband feels it differently and does not feel the same panic, but we have other similar grief feelings. The panic I find overwhelming and the most frightening thing to cope with at the moment, other than the absolute most frightening and unbelievable thing being that I won't see, hear or touch my most precious precious Blu in this life again. Its just two unbelievable and inconceivable for my mind to be able to accept. Thanks...Sabs.

Sabs, you are doing fine, exactly the right thing to do is to come here as often as you like and post, cry, scream, ask questions, and just grieve as we try to let you know over time who we are, who we grieve, and how we find ourselves along this path. There is not one way to grieve, so please know that how ever you find yourself on any given day, it is not abnormal or weird, it is normal for this new normal. Please come back and tell us about your Girl. My Girl, Erica, was 19 wehn a train hit her car at a broken crossing. That was in 2003, I stay because it is my purpose to reach out to the next person and because, it is where I am understood most and feel close to everyone. We become a kind of family.

Bless you on this journey, hope to see you again after my meeting.

dee

[aim630]

Sabs, I am so sorry you are here, but you've come to the right place. I lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley almost 2 yrs ago from complications of pneumonia, and I still feel a sense of disbelief. the other parents here have been such a great help to me. They truly understand, like no one else can. Please return and let us know about Blu. It helps to talk about our sons and daughters, and share their lives.

Lorri-Glad your surgery went well.

Thanks to all for sharing the videos...

Colleen and Dee-I have a feeling Ashley would be right there with Brian and Erica-welcoming all the new ones to heaven! That image makes me smile!

Ronnie-Glad you had such a good day and felt Cherry Lynn so much.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

sorry, double post...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Indeed Greg, when JOan does it and when Neil Young sings it, I weep, thank you for helping my tears to find their ways out of me, clearing me for the next batch. HOw are you feeling these days? How is your Little Grandgirl?

Sabs, it is inconceivable, who would ever think that we would outlive our children? It is cruel and the hardest adn saddest thing to do, live beyond our Child. We are here to listen, the feelings that you are having right now are what so many have felt right about at the same point on their grief timeline. Two months, some of the shock shedding itself leaving you raw all over again, so completely vulnerable. None of us knew who we were when we lost our Child even if we have other kids, it changes our role, it changes our thoughts of the future. Everything changes and husbands and wives rarely grieve in similar fashion so please be aware of this and not feel badly if you don't grieve the same way. Tell us more about Blu when you can. Who she was and is in your heart. She is near though I know that that is not enough, one day it will feel mighty good to feel her near.

Drink plenty of water and juice to replace the water loss through tears, and be very kind to yourself. I know that you and hubby did not feel like celebrating, but you know who is so proud of your 20 years? Blu. I toast to you both and to Blu.

[Jeff's Mom]

Welcome to all new parents. I am so sorry that you have found yourselves in this place. But you will find it a place of support and friendship. A place where you will be able to openly discuss the circumstances surrounding your child's death that is non-judgemental. We are here to listen and to offer support and by sharing our own experiences hopefully we will be able to help each other carry forward.

[Susie_q512]

Lorri - Glad surgery went well

Collen - Beautiful experience you had with Brian's spirit....what a treasure to have had such an intimate experience as feeling his spirit pass through you.

Diane - I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple days....you okay?

Leah - Are you still with us?

Carol - Still praying for you and Mike/Ralph.

Susannah - Miss reading your posts. You are gifted.

Manda's Mom - The slide show and music were a beautiful tribute to your daughter. Thanks for sharing her with us.

Dee, Brian's Dad and all others who have shared such beautiful music with us, thank you.

Everyone I didn't mention - Haven't forgotten about any of you or your angels. I hold you all close to my heart.

Sabs - I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Blu. I lost my beautiful Shannon on September 20, 2011. She was killed at the young age of 16 in a car accident about a mile from our home. My heart breaks for you and the others who have recently found there way here, but this is a good, supportive place to be. Glad each of you have found your way....we tend to believe that our angels worked together to bring us together so that we are not alone on this journey.

As for me, well I'm here....I still have a pulse. I did cry some in the early morning hours as I stared at a picture of Shannon and talked to her. Other than that, well it seems I have fallen into the space of it seeming like she isn't really gone....she's just away visiting a friend or something.

[westleysmom]

Susan-the hardest times for me are when it hits me that he's not just gone visiting or away at school or in the army. I pretend all of those things most of the time, it helps me. But when it hits, it hits hard. 2 years ago this night we had a big fight when he came home in the middle of the night and had been drinking. I didn't let him hug me, I was so mad at him. I was so afraid of losing him and it happened. How can this be? Was it something I'm being punished for, being a bad mom or a bad person or what is it? Why would this happen to any of us when there are so many people who don't care for their kids and treat them badly and they still have them? I'm sorry, I watched the video of Joan singing Forever Young and just lost it for a little while here. My husband is in bed asleep just like he was that night, and I was trying to be quiet (Westley had a really loud voice and when he was drinking, it got louder) and I just realized that Westley's not coming home. He's really not coming home. What am I going to do? How am I ever going to be doing anything but pretending that everything is all right, sprinkled in with complete and total breakdown?

Sabs-I'm so sorry for your loss. It has been 2 years for me nearly, and his room is almost the same as it was. My son Westley fell asleep at a friend's house and just didn't wake up. He had been drinking and took a prescription painkiller and he also had sleep apnea. The ME didn't mention the sleep apnea, but I doubt he was aware of it. I'm sorry to be so incoherent the first time you are here, but the day after tomorrow will be 2 years and it just doesn't seem real to me or maybe its that it seems too real. Crazy as I sound, I would be many times worse if not for the friends here who understand. I hope that it will help you too.

Greg-Thanks for the music, although I had a meltdown while it was playing and for a short time after. I guess that's what good music does, it makes you feel.

Here's to dreams of our angels for all

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's.

I see we have more members. I'm so sorry!

May each of you find a moment, or at least half a moment, of peace and hope to make it to the next breath. May those moments be longer and closer together. Please, be gentle with yourselves, new members. This is a horrendous path we have been thrusted into. Gratefully, we don't have to walk alone.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

PS - I wanted to change Stephanie's avatar but did something wrong....not to worry...I will have my beautiful daughter's smiling face back as soon as I remember how to do it.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I know the anguish you are feeling right now. I remember that time period as one of my worst periods. As I approached the 2nd anniversary I found myself unraveling and unable to feel anything but broken. I had planned our ERI-Fest for the week following the anniversary and two days before her actual date of being struck by the train, I woke after a rough night. I got up and put on Neil Young, forever young, and the song that says, " I want to see you dance again..." and Sugar Mountain, and I didn't weep, I howled like a lost wolf, I howled and kept replaying these three songs to empty myself of what I was feeling. I needed it to have its own room its own space, Ineeded to honor the broken heart I was trying to repair, I needed to keep all away from me while I sat in my tears and on the floor of my little enclosed porch before and through the sunrise and into the late morning. Luckily for me, Husband still worked and was out of town, I was free to emote, would have always been free to emote around him as well, but I know me, I would not have been that loud or ferocious. Later that day I was physically and emotionally spent, and walked through the forest and talked to ERi as I do, and somehow from that point onward, I was able to make more peace in my situation. Somehow that explosion from me was what I needed to move beyond that kind of despair. I am sad, I always will have sadness that is right here, not far away at all, in my cells but so is my love and for Eri, in all of my cells and now, this many years later I can pull on a memory and while I cry I also can fully enjoy the moment spent because it brings me closer to her. I miss her with every ounce of my being, and I have been meloncholy since winter break as I had so much time to spend thinking and reviewing our lives together, but I am busy again and cannot go there as often.

Rhonda, as you tremble through this time know that you are being held in our hearts and prayers and our hopes, knowing as we do what it means to travel through so hard a mark of time, I also believe that Westley is holding you extra close and hoping that his Momma will know of his love.

It is finally snowing, the promised snow is here after a week or two of 50 degree January days, so odd, but now it is snowing and I have 26 very happy third graders.

[shorty16]

Sabs

You are in the right place. My 16 year old son was killed on 6-19-2008 from a completely preventable car crash. On 6-25-2008, we "celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. That is also the day our son was cremated. On 7-12-2008, he would have been 17 years old. I know what you are experiencing. We know what you feel and are here to lend support from accross the pond.

There are many of us here. I guess I never realized how many children actually die before their parents. No parent should ever have to bury a child, but we did.

Consider yourself hugged by someone who knows what you are going through.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Sabs

I want to comment on the panick you feel. After Brian was killed, I began experiencing these panick episodes where I would get tunnel vision, my hands and body would sweat, I could not breath normally and I felt a pending doom.

I actually went to a phsycologist thinking I was going crazy. She told me "You are not going crazy, you are grieving the greatest loss any parent could ever go through" These are panick attacks. I usually got them while driving. After recognizing what they were, I could talk to my self and tell myself that I am OK. In the beginning, that did not work, but after a few months, the panick attaches went away.

You are not crazy, you are grieving.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Dee-Thanks for sharing that. As we add new friends here who are still reeling from their recent losses, I feel sometimes like I should be more able to help them than I do. I have taken tomorrow off work and am not sure exactly what I'll do during the day. I'm sure it will include a trip to the cemetery, alone. My husband is very busy at work and it helps him to keep going, he has a crew that he needs to be there. But I have been telling my co-workers all week that I won't be here tomorrow and some of them know why and some have forgotten, I'm sure. I don't mention why to those who don't remember. I don't want pity, just space and air to breathe on the day that I keep telling myself is just another day. It will have to be enough.

Colleen-I got your message and tried to respond back, but I'm never sure if anything gets posted. When you get to the max on the Private messages, do you have to just delete some before you get any more? I tried to one time and it seemed to make it act kind of flaky (said the crazy woman) You were one of the first people to welcome me here and I think of you often. It is hard to believe the turn our lives have taken and I wonder all the time what I did wrong. I don't know if the capacity for guilt for things beyond our control was born on the day we became parents for the first time, or it was there all along and we just didn't use it until then. All I know is I still feel the weight of the guilt that I carry for things I did and shouldn't have and things I didn't do and should have, and sometimes I feel it will overcome me and I won't be able to go on. And wonder if such as me should even expect to find happiness or joy or even a moment's peace. And how I could possibly feel any of those things when he is still gone and always will be from this life.

I have had better days but the big days always get me down. I hope you all are having a better day and if not, then there's always tomorrow. Hugs to all

[vivkib]

I just joined so this is all new to me and I'm not sure how this all works. My son left us 3 1/2 months ago and some days are so hard to cope. I have joined other on-line groups but they are not to active. I guess I'm just not sure how to get started on this site. Any help would be great.

[ericasmom]

Kevin's Mom, you just keep posting here, we will help you find your way as best we can. Many come to us at around the same point in grief, when some shock of this loss wears away and we are left to wonder what the hell we are to do now? We find our way with the help of one another and one way to do that is share all that you are able about Kevin. Using his name and seeing it written by others is helpful all in itself. Let us know about him, about you.

I am one of the oldies here, my Daughter Eri left in July of 2003, she was 19. I received help here way back at the 6 month point in grief and have stayed so that I can be helpful to those that find their sad way here as I did. We become like family here as most others don't fully get us anymore, we are changed and it is hard for those who don't have this loss, to know how to be around us. Many quit saying the name of our Child when that is the last thing most of us want. THEY DID LIVE< they are real, they always will be our Children, and we, their Parent. Your broken heart won't scare anyone away here, so please let us know what you can when you can.

[vivkib]

Thank you Dee. I'm not sure how to start, we lost Kevin in a way that is so hard to understand. He was a great young man who loved God, family, friend and his life. Due to, I guess error in judgment is the best way to say it, he ended up acccidently taking his own life. Not suicide, that was not what his intent was. As I said he loved life to much for that. We don't tell to meny people how it happened because we don't want to take away from who he was, don't want them to judge him because of the way he died but remember him for the way he lived. I want to talk about it and not lie but at the same time I want to protect his memory. I don't know, it's so hard to know how to cope with all this.

Kevin's Mom, you just keep posting here, we will help you find your way as best we can. Many come to us at around the same point in grief, when some shock of this loss wears away and we are left to wonder what the hell we are to do now? We find our way with the help of one another and one way to do that is share all that you are able about Kevin. Using his name and seeing it written by others is helpful all in itself. Let us know about him, about you.

I am one of the oldies here, my Daughter Eri left in July of 2003, she was 19. I received help here way back at the 6 month point in grief and have stayed so that I can be helpful to those that find their sad way here as I did. We become like family here as most others don't fully get us anymore, we are changed and it is hard for those who don't have this loss, to know how to be around us. Many quit saying the name of our Child when that is the last thing most of us want. THEY DID LIVE< they are real, they always will be our Children, and we, their Parent. Your broken heart won't scare anyone away here, so please let us know what you can when you can.

[mikesmum]

To the newbies here ~ Its hard to say 'welcome' the greeting falls short and seems inappropriate given that to be here you have lost a child.

As Dee said we all seem to find this place around the same time in our grief. I joined 4 months after losing Mike. Before that I guess like many of you I was surrounded by disbelief. I waited until it became clear that this wasn't something I had ever experienced and had no idea about.

Somethings that gave me strength when I arrived was the "knowing' that others knew my heart without knowing me. They shared experiences of loss, panic, hopelessness and a pain beyond any I had ever known.

More importantly, they embraced my son, his memory, his life. How he died was not judged, how he lived was celebrated. Sharing him here was something that bought me peace.

Knowing that tears soothe the broken heart, memories can make you smile, the missing is part of grief finding its place. The fact that they lived more important than that one day when they left.

Many Indigos have come and gone. There is if you like a cycle, where the 'space between breaths' is longer. Where the grief changes course. Where once you would wake every day (after very little rest) only to find a wall of angst, pain and tears would consume you, now you find yourself in quiet reflection catching yourself smiling at something you remembered about your child.

One thing that never changes here though ~ the unconditional love that connects us through our children.

I believe they are all aware of each other as we are. They are part of our lives that never leaves. Here is where we are able to continue to speak their names and never ever forget they lived.

Its snowing here (Southern Hemisphere) up on the mountains. Its our 'summer'? Hoping you all remember to take care of you. One thing I also believe is that, like Carols son Mike said.. "You can't die because I do, mom."

[irishkearns]

To the newbies here ~ Its hard to say 'welcome' the greeting falls short and seems inappropriate given that to be here you have lost a child.

As Dee said we all seem to find this place around the same time in our grief. I joined 4 months after losing Mike. Before that I guess like many of you I was surrounded by disbelief. I waited until it became clear that this wasn't something I had ever experienced and had no idea about.

Somethings that gave me strength when I arrived was the "knowing' that others knew my heart without knowing me. They shared experiences of loss, panic, hopelessness and a pain beyond any I had ever known.

More importantly, they embraced my son, his memory, his life. How he died was not judged, how he lived was celebrated. Sharing him here was something that bought me peace.

Knowing that tears soothe the broken heart, memories can make you smile, the missing is part of grief finding its place. The fact that they lived more important than that one day when they left.

Many Indigos have come and gone. There is if you like a cycle, where the 'space between breaths' is longer. Where the grief changes course. Where once you would wake every day (after very little rest) only to find a wall of angst, pain and tears would consume you, now you find yourself in quiet reflection catching yourself smiling at something you remembered about your child.

One thing that never changes here though ~ the unconditional love that connects us through our children.

I believe they are all aware of each other as we are. They are part of our lives that never leaves. Here is where we are able to continue to speak their names and never ever forget they lived.

Its snowing here (Southern Hemisphere) up on the mountains. Its our 'summer'? Hoping you all remember to take care of you. One thing I also believe is that, like Carols son Mike said.. "You can't die because I do, mom."

[Deana]

I would like to thank all of you who have commented and sent wishes. I am having a hard time. I do come here several times a day to read. To any who have joined after me, this is a very comforting place.I hope to one day to be able to add as many positive comments as ya'll do. The loss of a child, no matter the circumstance, has changed your world in a way I don't think others can understand. I lost my father, and it hurt, but it never hurt like this. I will continiue to come each day and hope that I have the strength that ya'll have. Thank you! May all your Angels know my Jared.

[mikesmum]

I would like to thank all of you who have commented and sent wishes. I am having a hard time. I do come here several times a day to read. To any who have joined after me, this is a very comforting place.I hope to one day to be able to add as many positive comments as ya'll do. The loss of a child, no matter the circumstance, has changed your world in a way I don't think others can understand. I lost my father, and it hurt, but it never hurt like this. I will continiue to come each day and hope that I have the strength that ya'll have. Thank you! May all your Angels know my Jared.

Deana ~ I sometimes think Mike saw me struggling in the middle of the night and led me here. I also think he was because he had met some excellent people who told him about the site. Tell us more about your Jared when you can.

[Sabs]

I want to say thank you to all of you for replying to me and making me feel welcome. I have read all your posts a couple of time and I can connect with a lot of what is being said and felt and that does help.

Dee, thank you for responding so promptly...I was nervous about posting and you made it ok.

Thank you Colleen for my hug across the pond and for talking to me about your panic episodes, the panic I have been experiencing has been very hard to cope with and very frightening, its stopped me from going out and I've started to dread the night time, it happen's worse than...it realy does help to hear that I am not alone in this experience...and as you say I'm not crazy - I'm grieving...thank you. I have been worried that I am going to go crazy as no one else I know seems to have experienced this. I like what Stephanies mom wrote about making it to the next breathe, because many times during the day....I can't breathe and I have to go out side to try and get air...walk, even in circles in the front garden and try and ground my self and breathe, just breathe. It helps to know that others know what I am experiencing, even the fact that you had your 20th wedding anniversary shortly after Brian's death and on the day he was cremated, helps me feel less alone in my sorrow. And thank you Dee for saying Blu would be proud, She would and we would have had a big party which she would have loved and been the main participant !

Ronda, you talked about guilt and I have felt so much of that. I know in my heart that a lot of it is unfounded and I'm being hard on myself but its like I can't stop thinking about things I have regrets over, things I should have done differently, if I could wind back the clock..and than I try to talk to my self and remind myself that I am only human and I behaved the way I did out of my humanness - that does not always stop the guilt feelings and they can be as hard to deal with as Blu's death its self, along with the actual way she died...the guilt over all the things I should have done differently that day..If I had brought her to the hospital sooner, if I had shouted louder at the medics, if I had advocated for her more. If , If and If, and guilt. It can drive me into a bad place and it can be hard to make it stop. After Blu passed, we went on a pilgrimage to Fatima in Portugal and I sat at the Shrine of our Lady and asked her to help me with the forgiveness I needed from her, from Blu and from me..for all the times I was not the mother that I should have been, and because I felt Blu deserved MORE than me at times. She was so beautiful - her heart, her soul, and I don't think I could have lived up to her beauty. I also spend a lot of my day thinking that she is just out..and she will be back later, or we are just having a little holiday away but she will be back soon. I know you are now experiencing your loss two years today, the 13th and I have just passed the two month mark - we are together on the two but far apart otherwise, but it sounds from a lot of the posts that I have read that it does not matter if its two years or two months, the pain is there, you just seem to have to learn to live with it, cope with it and as Dee said 'Its normal for this now normal'. I hope you have a good day today Ronda...I'm not sure what our time difference is...I'm in Ireland and its just into the 13th its 00.53am - Someone recently said to me Grieve Well for your Blu, and I liked that. I don't know what its like to be at two years, but I hope you mark it well, theres a candle lit on my table for Westley now.

Again thank you all for taking the time to respond, I feel a bit weird writing your names, as I don't actually know you all, but too Dee, Colleen, Amy, Susan, Ronda, Susannah and Michael Shane's mum (I think, no name), thank you. I managed to take down our halloween/party decorations today. I put on one of Blu's favourite TV shows that we had on record over the Christmas that I know she would have enjoyed watching, I sat and watched it, chatted to her and than took down the decorations. For most of the day I have to say I felt nothing...a sort of emptiness, interspersed with periods of panic and tears but on the whole -nothing, which has left me feeling exhausted all the same. I feel that this is a more considered post from me, than the one I wrote last night. Last night instead of the emptiness I had loneliness, tears and disbelief, but maybe I cried my self out - I prefer the emptiness/zombie feeling for the moment....I suppose its more back into the shock phase....where Im pretending that Blu is just away or I'm just away and she will be back soon. No doubt it won't last long.

Good NIght & thanks- Sabs.

Blu's Mum.

[ericasmom]

Kevin's Mom, don't ever feel that you must divulge how Kevin died, that is your decision and right now protecting what you need to protect is so important. The Angels that brought us all here have left this Earth in different manners, different reasons, but what we share is that we are grieving parents learning to live without our Child. Some of the Kids died due to illness, some to accidents, (my Daughter included), some to suicide, some to drugs, and some left in one split second due to a heart condition never known until that very moment of their death. We mourn and we grieve and we ache in ways that nobody but parents who lose a child could ever fully understand. Whatever you want to tell us is fine with us.

Because there are many new to this forum recently, remember that it would be impossible for you to name us all at this point, so do not worry about that, you will eventually get to know us over time.

Sabs, I am listening to U2, and then I open this post from our new friend in Ireland. Hang on Girl, we have your hands and we are holding on.

[summergirl]

Oh my sad heart for the "new ones" who have joined since I was last here....I welcome you with tears and hugs and I am so very happy that you have found your way to us but the "Why" breaks my heart. Kevins mom - no reason at all to tell any of us the why or how your son passed, what is it important is that you have found a place that will help you in any way that we can, we listen, we cry, we share, we laugh, we are a family and anyone who joins us becomes our family....I am so sorry for your loss..... Sabs, I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet, beautiful Blu....I can understand everything you say, the guilt, the "she is just away". I went through the panic attacks pretty severly after losing our daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on Feb. 18, 2006 from ARVD ( sudden death from heart attack)....she was my best friend, my daughter and I miss her terribly....it wil be 6 years in Feb for me so I am one of the older ones here and I can tell both you and Kevins mom that this place saved my life many times.....I will always be here to try to help in any way I can. Jessica left behind a 4 year old son named Tavian whom my husband and I have full custody of so you will here about him as he has many virtual grammies here. Bless you

I am sorry I just cannot seem to keep up with all the posts as I have not been here for a couple of days but as you know I am always thinking of you and keep you in my prayers. Love to all, Kathy

The pic below was Jessica's teddy bear from when she was 2 years old...Tavian now sleeps with it each nite....it makes me smile as I see his arms wrapped around it .... just wanted to share

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

WESTLEY

WESTLEY

WESTLEY

How dearly you are missed and loved, but you know that don't you. Kiss your Momma and Dad when you visit them, let them feel the sweet sense of you in their day so that they know that you are near. Bless you Sweet Man.

[hotrod]

Westley, Westley, Westley

You are loved and remembered each and every moment of each and every day.

Touch Mom and Dad with the Warmth of your Spirit and the Power of your Smile

[shellyku]

WESTLEY - May you surround your mom with your sweet presence today and

assure her that you are there, loving her as you always have and always will. Rhonda,

I pray you feel that presence and love from your dear Westley and I pray you have a

peaceful day, as best you can.

[mikesmum]

Rhonda ~ Thinking of you and yours. Brilliant picture as always from Dan who understands.

Sabs ~ I'm Trudi. My son is Micheal Shane. You will also encounter another Mike's mum, Carol(mikesmomsr) It can be confusing.

Our Mikes were the same age when they passed. I met Carol in 2009, two yrs into my journey. I flew to MN to meet a group from this site. Amongst them the lovely and supportive Dee, Colleen, Bonnie & Marcia.

Well progess my friends. I had a call from my WorkCover insurer today. For the first time in 5yrs I didn't dissolve, I didn't miss a beat.

Still freezing here. Jumpers on, heating on, blankets on bed....SUMMER??

[Susie_q512]

WESTLEY WESTLEY WESTLEY

My prayer to you, to God, to the Universe is that your spirit will surround your Mom, Dad and all those who are missing you so very much. May they feel the warmth of your love and presence and know beyond doubt that you are with them, that you are always with them.

[mikesmomrs]

WESTLEY,

WESTLEY,

WESTLEY, Surround your mom and dad with your sweet spirit, hold them close and gently, fill their hearts with precious memories that while they may bring tears, will also bring smiles that they have been blessed with them in their lives...blessed with you.

Rhonda and Westley's dad...thinking of you and holding you close in thought and prayers on this day. Sweet love to you, always.

[aim630]

Westley, Westley, Westley-Saying your name today and hoping you will send your loved ones a sign to show them you are still with them.

Rhonda-I am sending hugs your way and hope you are able to find some peace today.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[sunset924]

Trying to navigate through these waves of grief, I felt like the anger was safe, now it's kind of numbness...

I'm so sad to see the new members here, I wish I had some words right now... Everyone here is so supportive,

I'm hoping I can be supportive to you all one day too.

Rhonda, Keeping you in my thoughts today and always...

Rachel, Manda's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family:

It seems that every day I come on, I see a new member, finding us in their grief, searching for answers, for comfort, for understanding. I am so very sorry for your loss, and very thankful that you did find this site. Here is where you will indeed find that understanding and comfort that you so need right now.

Sabs (Blu’s mom), Deana (Jared’s mom), Kevin’s mom, Rachel (Mandy's mom): Yes, as Dee said, it does not matter here how one’s child has left this life; there is no judgment here. They are gone, but they also lived, and sharing those memories is so very important, but it is also important for us to be allowed to grieve our loss, whether that loss is 5 days ago or five years ago. We still feel that huge part of us missing from our lives. Coming here will allow you to receive the compassion and understanding that does indeed help us move through this new life and as we find the guideposts left and being left by those who have come before us, we realize that no, we are not crazy, that yes, it is normal to feel guilt, and we come to understand that it is underserved. I can remember some days, crying out, loudly, to myself in my car, over and over all the way to work, crying out to my son, Mike, “I AM SO SORRY,” sorry for all the things I didn’t do that I should have done, for all the things that I did do that I shouldn’t have. I had to drive 37 miles to work each day, and many days each mile was marked with my tears, my screams, my guilt. It is a long time coming, but eventually this pain does get softer, our memories become more centered around the blessings we had with our child, and our sorrow, while still there, is pushed a little to the back. There are still days when it comes right away, without our bidding, to the front again, crushing us, sending us reeling, struggling for that one breath that will carry us to the next. But as time goes on, those days do become further apart. It is hard for those who have just lost a child to believe this, but those of us here longer promise that this does happen. And we will be here for you, to help that happen, always.

As Trudi said “Knowing that tears soothe the broken heart, memories can make you smile, the missing is part of grief finding its place. The fact that they lived more important than that one day when they left.”

Rhonda: I wish that I could be there with you, to share sweet memories of Westley, but I am here, sending out love and reaching out to hold you in my heart on this day. Dee is correct in her saying that the second year is so very difficult. I can still remember it and just when I thought maybe things were getting a little softer, I found that they weren’t. Dee had said once that it was like peeling the layers of an onion…our grief comes off, a layer at a time, and I think the layer that presents at the two year mark is the toughest, because it slams into you that your sweet child has been gone for more than you ever dreamed it would be possible to survive without them. My heart to you.

Kathy: I love that Tavian has Jess’s teddy bear. I know that it brings him much comfort to know that his mommy snuggled up to him and found sleep. Thanks for sharing such a sweet part of Tavian’s life.

Dee and Trudi: Mike was really into Pearl Jam, also. His first tattoo was of a wolf, on his upper left arm. But his second one, on his right upper arm, was the “ALIVE” symbol, and he loved that tattoo, just as he loved all the words and music that Pearl Jam gave to the world. This Christmas, a white car decal of the ALIVE symbol is what Sarah asked for. Yes, I found one, after much searching. Hmmmm…I wonder who helped me find that website at the last minute, after coming up empty a number of times?

Betty: So great to see sweet Stephen’s face when I signed on tonight. I hope you are doing well and were able to enjoy some of the New York holiday offerings. Any concerts lately?

Lorri: I hope that you are feeling better and that this surgery is kinder to you.

Greg: thanks for the “Forever Young” song. For some reason, after listening to it, I had the desire to watch the video of Mike that was done shortly before he died. I haven’t watched it since six of us grieving mothers gathered in that one hotel room in Minnesota, back in August of 2009, and each of them sat there with me, all of our hearts together, and watched it from beginning to end (it also includes a video of his services). I sat here, by myself and watched it on the computer. I just had the deepest need to see his face, hear his voice, and feel his love again. This video of Mike was taken at a very bad time…he was beginning to lose his sense of focus and found it hard to frame his thoughts. (this was just a couple of weeks before he died) It was taken by a friend from his church, and I was not home at the time. Had I been, I likely wouldn’t have it at all, because seeing his distress in trying to think and speak, I would have likely told the friend to stop, as it was too draining on Mike. But after watching it again, I did notice things that I hadn’t noticed before. He was able to tell his boys to be “wise, strong, and faithful.” (Along with the joking “be cool and stay in school.”) He also told his wife, Sarah “I love you, so very much, Sarah.” And at the end of the filming, he seemed to really focus his thoughts and instead of looking around as he had been doing, he looked right into the camera and said “I love ALL of you, so very, very much.” Tears fell as I watched this video, and yet my heart felt calmed.

This has been a busy week for us…Mike started his radiation on Monday, and on Tuesday he had his first Chemo treatment….ending up with us spending over six hours at the cancer center. The chemo will be given on Tuesdays and Fridays. He also had a couple of doctor’s appointments along the way, to include on Wednesday (finally!), the implantation of the port for the chemo treatments, which did take longer than expected, but they were done in time for him to be on time for his radiation treatment that day. While the implant process has made him very sore at the site, he seems to be doing well, though has had some down times that I believe have been brought about by all the upheaval at getting settled into the treatment plan of five days a week (nothing really makes the reality of a situation sink in quicker than having to show up for it five days a week!). Walking through these rooms at the cancer center has opened up a stream of hard memories for me, but the staff has been more than helpful in allowing me to process this at my own pace. Each place I encounter where young Mike was in that chemo treatment center has been a reminder of all that he went through as he fought this monster, cancer. All of the “this is where” times have been approached now, and are behind me. I still sometimes have to force myself to focus on the here and now, but as the days go by, it becomes less difficult. We thank all of you for your prayers and comforting words. It means so much to know so many are pulling for you.

I had a surprise gift from hubby...a belated Christmas present. I had gotten him an iPhone for Christmas, but he has decided he doesn't like it and wants to send it back. In the process, he wanted me to go ahead and get the tablet that I had said a while back that I would really like to have. I had initially thought about the iPad, but after much research, and realizing the reason he doesn't like the iPhone (it ties you into the Apple world, and all you do pretty much has to go through iTunes), made me realize that I likely would not like the iPad for the same reason. So, after much research, I wound up getting the Samsung Galaxy 10.1 tablet. It is supposed to be delivered on Friday. An intercession of "happy" in a week of worry and turmoil...a diversion of sorts, but one we can both enjoy and I am thankful for.

Snow here today...the first we've seen for this winter (it snowed here in October, but we were in Virginia beach at the time). While pretty, (I love snowfalls in the beginning) it was quite icy on the roads and difficult travel. Supposed to be zero on Saturday and Sunday nights. Brrrr.

To all, you are all in my prayers and thoughts every day. Please know that I hold each of you close and send thoughts of love out to all.

[mysonrich]

Westley Westley Westley.....

to the handsome young man that is so loved and missed by his mom and dad. We share in your life Westley through your mothers words and know of and feel her love for you radiate from these pages. Rhonda, in a quiet moment of the day may you find a small smile upon your lips, the memory of laughter ,a silly stunt, a kind wise word spoken not so long ago by your son, just a second in the time of his life replayed and transcends, that tells you he is fine and he loves you too.

[ericasmom]

Just in from a winter walk, the first significant snowfall yet this winter. Beautiful, and as I walked in the glowing softness, my thoughts fell on you each, knowing the struggle to some days even get out of bed. Be kind to yourselves and when you forget what that means, ask yourself what you would say to another in grief...be that kind to yourselves. That will also make your Angel smile.

Carol, may this day wind up the first week of treatment in a positive way. You are an amazing strength for everyone in your life, including all of us. You are like the North Star, a beacon for those lost at sea.

[shorty16]

Westley

Westley

Westley

Westley

Westley

Westley

Westley

We say his name loud and clear

Rhonda, you are a wonderful mother who loved her son. May his angel wings kiss your cheek today.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Kevin's Mom

As so many before me have said; it does not matter how our children died - they are gone.

My son, Brian decided to climb on the hood of car. His "friend" decided to drive 68 mph and hit 3 trees. Brian hit the ground and was dead within minutes. The accident scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

Needless to say, I still cannot believe this happened to us. Each of us has a different story, but the end is all the same. A piece of ourselves is gone and now we are left to put our lives back together.

This site is the place to be. The place to talk, scream, yell, and just try to breath.

We would love to hear about your Kevin. He sounds like a wonderful man.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Westley

Fly high, fly free - brush your mother's cheek with your angel's kiss.

Hugs to you, Rhonda. Two years! It seems like just yesterday you joined this site. Deep sigh.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda.....thinking of you today.....westley....westley...westley....surround your family today with love and let them know you are with them....angel wings and kisses today....show yourself to them....let them know you are safe and you love them, like they love you.....rhonda....you have my heart today. love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

wow....this is week 51....i cannot (sometimes refuse) to believe the first year is here....this month has been hard to bare....and next week is making me extremely anxious....i have had so many breakdowns, i don't know who i am, or what i am, or what i am supposed to do with myself. i have yet to determine just who i have morphed into yet. this is a never ending journey. i hate this jounrney. i hate this past year and i will hate this next year. i think i hate myself, too. i think i am much like my nathan. i have found the answer to making the children happy....i am 'fine' when i talk to them. they think i am so much 'better' because i have finally learned how to talk to them so they think i am doing well....then when i hang up the phone i can yell and scream and cry all i want to.. and they think i am fine. for the newbies: FINE = F - frustrated I - insecure N -neurotic E - emotional. this is 'my' fine.... i am not doing well....i hold my son's ashes in a rocking chair and sob loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but it does not matter. no one has called or rung the doorbell, so i guess i am good. i can cry as much as i want to. i can pretend to be better for those who need to think that, but when i am alone or with the people who know better, then i can be the sad and depressed person i am. i guess i now have multiple personalities.

i am so sorry there are new people here. i am so sorry you find yourselves here....but i am glad you found us. we are here, together, to help each other get through something so horrible. we never imagined in our wildest nightmare, that this would, could, happen to 'us'...but, yet here we are. and it hurts, cuts to the very core of our being. has shattered our lives and ripped out our hearts. changed us forever. there will be friends, neighbors, family members who will never understand our grief and there will be relationships changed forever. that is one of the difficulities of this grief. no one, and i mean no one, can understand and reach out to you like the loving, caring, people on this site. we, this elite group, will get you, us, through with their loving, caring words and their footprints in the road of this journey where they have trod ahead of us. on my worst days, i look for their insite. i look for their encouraging words. i can tell you, and this is the gospel truth...there was a time, early on, i did not think i was going to make it, and i mean literally, and this group of indigo friends/family made me make it. i was not going to live, and they made me live. i am here, but only by a thread, but i still get up every day, and i still do not know why, but i am here. i read and some days i post and somedays, i don't, but i am here. and that's something. i miss my son like i have never known that word before in my life. there is nothing that can take away that pain in my heart...somedays it feels like i am having a heart attack, it hurts so much. my health has declined; grief can do that to you. the hole in my heart will never heal. and i can't even imagine why it would.

i have 3 children with spouses and 7 grandchildren. i know they need me and i try to give them what they need, but my daughter says, "you are'there', but you are not 'there'"....it's true. i just can't be who and what i used to be, at least not yet. it makes me feel more guilt than i already have. she has no understanding at all of what i am feeling. i wish i could be that mother, wife, grandmother, nurse, sister, daughter again, but i can't. i know i am depressed, but i can't help it.

sabs, deana, and all the newbies....please continue to come back and talk or just read. i am sorry you have to be here. i know it hurts. tell us about your beautiful child.

fridays always suck for me. this is the day nathan left us. this is the day i stay at home and try to mend my broken heart. so far, it hasn't worked, but i do not like to face people on this day.

take care all, and i hope you all can find some sort of a safe place today.....love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

wow....this is week 51....i cannot (sometimes refuse) to believe the first year is here....this month has been hard to bare....and next week is making me extremely anxious....i have had so many breakdowns, i don't know who i am, or what i am, or what i am supposed to do with myself. i have yet to determine just who i have morphed into yet. this is a never ending journey. i hate this jounrney. i hate this past year and i will hate this next year. i think i hate myself, too. i think i am much like my nathan. i have found the answer to making the children happy....i am 'fine' when i talk to them. they think i am so much 'better' because i have finally learned how to talk to them so they think i am doing well....then when i hang up the phone i can yell and scream and cry all i want to.. and they think i am fine. for the newbies: FINE = F - frustrated I - insecure N -neurotic E - emotional. this is 'my' fine.... i am not doing well....i hold my son's ashes in a rocking chair and sob loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but it does not matter. no one has called or rung the doorbell, so i guess i am good. i can cry as much as i want to. i can pretend to be better for those who need to think that, but when i am alone or with the people who know better, then i can be the sad and depressed person i am. i guess i now have multiple personalities.

i am so sorry there are new people here. i am so sorry you find yourselves here....but i am glad you found us. we are here, together, to help each other get through something so horrible. we never imagined in our wildest nightmare, that this would, could, happen to 'us'...but, yet here we are. and it hurts, cuts to the very core of our being. has shattered our lives and ripped out our hearts. changed us forever. there will be friends, neighbors, family members who will never understand our grief and there will be relationships changed forever. that is one of the difficulities of this grief. no one, and i mean no one, can understand and reach out to you like the loving, caring, people on this site. we, this elite group, will get you, us, through with their loving, caring words and their footprints in the road of this journey where they have trod ahead of us. on my worst days, i look for their insite. i look for their encouraging words. i can tell you, and this is the gospel truth...there was a time, early on, i did not think i was going to make it, and i mean literally, and this group of indigo friends/family made me make it. i was not going to live, and they made me live. i am here, but only by a thread, but i still get up every day, and i still do not know why, but i am here. i read and some days i post and somedays, i don't, but i am here. and that's something. i miss my son like i have never known that word before in my life. there is nothing that can take away that pain in my heart...somedays it feels like i am having a heart attack, it hurts so much. my health has declined; grief can do that to you. the hole in my heart will never heal. and i can't even imagine why it would.

i have 3 children with spouses and 7 grandchildren. i know they need me and i try to give them what they need, but my daughter says, "you are'there', but you are not 'there'"....it's true. i just can't be who and what i used to be, at least not yet. it makes me feel more guilt than i already have. she has no understanding at all of what i am feeling. i wish i could be that mother, wife, grandmother, nurse, sister, daughter again, but i can't. i know i am depressed, but i can't help it.

sabs, deana, and all the newbies....please continue to come back and talk or just read. i am sorry you have to be here. i know it hurts. tell us about your beautiful child.

fridays always suck for me. this is the day nathan left us. this is the day i stay at home and try to mend my broken heart. so far, it hasn't worked, but i do not like to face people on this day.

take care all, and i hope you all can find some sort of a safe place today.....love, diane

[Jeff's Mom]

WESTLEY...WESTLEY...WESTLEY...Embrace your family with your love today and always. Thinking of you Rhonda and your family.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Rough couple of days, and nights. I have been reading your posts, but haven't felt up to posting. Sorry to see more parents here that have lost their precious children.

I did download a new graphics program that let me put some wings on my angel.

It occupied some of my time, but at the end of it, I cried about that too, because I don't know what kind of wings he really has, and I don't know if he would approve. I have prayed for a sign, a dream, a vision, something..... I want to see and touch my child.

[dwsmithrn]

sorry everyone...don't know why my , long, rambling post went through twice....sorry about that.....!!!!????

[Jeff's Mom]

wow....this is week 51....i cannot (sometimes refuse) to believe the first year is here....this month has been hard to bare....and next week is making me extremely anxious....i have had so many breakdowns, i don't know who i am, or what i am, or what i am supposed to do with myself. i have yet to determine just who i have morphed into yet. this is a never ending journey. i hate this jounrney. i hate this past year and i will hate this next year. i think i hate myself, too. i think i am much like my nathan. i have found the answer to making the children happy....i am 'fine' when i talk to them. they think i am so much 'better' because i have finally learned how to talk to them so they think i am doing well....then when i hang up the phone i can yell and scream and cry all i want to.. and they think i am fine. for the newbies: FINE = F - frustrated I - insecure N -neurotic E - emotional. this is 'my' fine.... i am not doing well....i hold my son's ashes in a rocking chair and sob loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but it does not matter. no one has called or rung the doorbell, so i guess i am good. i can cry as much as i want to. i can pretend to be better for those who need to think that, but when i am alone or with the people who know better, then i can be the sad and depressed person i am. i guess i now have multiple personalities.

i am so sorry there are new people here. i am so sorry you find yourselves here....but i am glad you found us. we are here, together, to help each other get through something so horrible. we never imagined in our wildest nightmare, that this would, could, happen to 'us'...but, yet here we are. and it hurts, cuts to the very core of our being. has shattered our lives and ripped out our hearts. changed us forever. there will be friends, neighbors, family members who will never understand our grief and there will be relationships changed forever. that is one of the difficulities of this grief. no one, and i mean no one, can understand and reach out to you like the loving, caring, people on this site. we, this elite group, will get you, us, through with their loving, caring words and their footprints in the road of this journey where they have trod ahead of us. on my worst days, i look for their insite. i look for their encouraging words. i can tell you, and this is the gospel truth...there was a time, early on, i did not think i was going to make it, and i mean literally, and this group of indigo friends/family made me make it. i was not going to live, and they made me live. i am here, but only by a thread, but i still get up every day, and i still do not know why, but i am here. i read and some days i post and somedays, i don't, but i am here. and that's something. i miss my son like i have never known that word before in my life. there is nothing that can take away that pain in my heart...somedays it feels like i am having a heart attack, it hurts so much. my health has declined; grief can do that to you. the hole in my heart will never heal. and i can't even imagine why it would.

i have 3 children with spouses and 7 grandchildren. i know they need me and i try to give them what they need, but my daughter says, "you are'there', but you are not 'there'"....it's true. i just can't be who and what i used to be, at least not yet. it makes me feel more guilt than i already have. she has no understanding at all of what i am feeling. i wish i could be that mother, wife, grandmother, nurse, sister, daughter again, but i can't. i know i am depressed, but i can't help it.

sabs, deana, and all the newbies....please continue to come back and talk or just read. i am sorry you have to be here. i know it hurts. tell us about your beautiful child.

fridays always suck for me. this is the day nathan left us. this is the day i stay at home and try to mend my broken heart. so far, it hasn't worked, but i do not like to face people on this day.

take care all, and i hope you all can find some sort of a safe place today.....love, diane

Diane...everything you say is so true! It is a hard and long winding road going uphill trying to work through this pain. Death sucks! It separates us from our dearest family. After two years I am finding that I no longer know myself. I have changed into a new person. A person that is adrift and trying to find land where my legs will feel stable again and grounded. I have to talk myself into working through panic attacks. Take one slow breathe at a time. Focus and try to keep calm. Ride this wave of hurt and fear. The unbelievable pain that hits me in the face or when I allow myself to recognize I will not see him again in my lifetime.

It too is creating health issues for me. I need to step back and try to focus one thing at a time. Take pleasure in doing even the smallest things that I enjoy. Then it hits again. Guilt. How can I be so selfish? He is dead and I am his mother...I should not be laughing or enjoying anything again. But I am. In bits. Little by little.

I am forever altered...as if I had been reborn by his death. Finding the real significance in what truly matters in life. I knew it before, but this drives it home. Wham! It hit like a brick wall. I don't want this. Who does? I can't run from it...I can't hide...where do I go for relief? Is this my private hell? Why me? More importantly why him? Faith...thank God for my faith. It sustains me. Nourishes me when I cannot function with the pain. Footprints In The Sand. No kidding...boy has HE been carrying me for a long time. He must be getting tired.

So much sadness all around. Others too that are blindsided like I have been. Some solace but not when I feel so alone as I often do with memories of his death. It is important to force yourself to move forward one day at a time. Keep busy and do whatever you need to do to stay healthy and sane. The ones that have drifted away due to misunderstanding...well who needed them anyway...if that is how little they think of you. Make new relationships. Start fresh. Maybe that is my lesson in all of this. Finding myself when I have lost him. I don't know. We'll see.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just in from a winter walk, the first significant snowfall yet this winter. Beautiful, and as I walked in the glowing softness, my thoughts fell on you each, knowing the struggle to some days even get out of bed. Be kind to yourselves and when you forget what that means, ask yourself what you would say to another in grief...be that kind to yourselves. That will also make your Angel smile.

Carol, may this day wind up the first week of treatment in a positive way. You are an amazing strength for everyone in your life, including all of us. You are like the North Star, a beacon for those lost at sea.

Dee...happy to see that you enjoyed a lovely walk in the freshly fallen snow this morning.

Carol...I too hope for a good result from the first week of treatments.

[westleysmom]

Thank you all for your kind words and sweet thoughts today. They mean so much to me, as I'm sure you all understand. I have railed at God for taking my son from my life in this world and struggled so hard with my faith that He has a plan (which in my humble opinion is not the greatest) for us all. It makes me feel even more guilt for questioning Him. On the other hand, through the miracle that is this website, He gave me you all to help me through in a way that people I have known all my life are not able to do. I don't know how crazy I am on the crazy scale, but I'm sure I would score higher (or lower, I'm still not sure how the crazy scale works) if it weren't for all of you.

Westley was born in the early morning on January 19, 1989 after we had been at the hospital for about 3 hours. He had a lump on the side of his head that they told me was caused by pushing him out too quickly which can't be right, because from where I was laying, I couldn't push him out quickly enough. He weighed 8 lbs 6 ounces and had a lot of dark hair and blue eyes and he was the most beautiful boy baby I had ever seen or will ever. I wrote in my journal that I knew when they gave him to me to hold that our family was complete and I had never felt so happy and content in my life and I suppose that turned out to be true. He was a crybaby, cried a lot, but he didn't walk and talk as early as his sister had, I figured he didn't talk as soon because she wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. He was all boy, pouring gas on his head from a gas can outside the first day I left him with a new teenage babysitter. I have a picture of him in Mr. Potato Head's glasses with his sister who was wearing an old pair of mine. He picked a fight with a biker in the video store when he was 3 or 4 (the biker guy was laughing). He ordered whiskey and beer when he was little whenever we went to a restaurant (we didn't even keep either in the house, he just thought it was funny). During the summer, he would tan easily and get blond highlights in his dark hair and when his hair got long, his head looked square because the hair was so coarse. So once he got older, he almost always kept it really short, and it would make your hand numb to rub it across his hair, which I always liked to do when he had a new haircut. When he got older, he got several tattoos, one on his chest said Westley "Crash" Wall because he wrecked every vehicle he ever drove, except maybe one. He also had one that said Death Before Dishonor on his chest. He had one on each shoulder , one a rebel flag and the other was one all of his friends had gotten. He had a big one on his back that he decided he hated and was trying to figure out how to cover it up or change it. He even had some on his lower legs that said LOVED and HATED and on the backs of his legs it said something else, but I don't remember what. I'll have to ask his friends. He was the best friend most of them will ever have and they still go visit his grave and miss him terribly. Our family is heartbroken at the loss of the baby of the grandchildren and they all grieve him. I don't forget that we all lost him, but somehow I can't bear to think of their grief in the face of my own. I miss him more than I could ever have believed possible.

My heart to you all for remembering him today and every day. We carry their memories with us until we meet again. And I can't wait.