Loss of an Adult Child

[Chads Mom]

I Have not posted in so longgggg… But like good therapy for the soul I come everyday and read every post.. I just have not emotionally had it in me lately to convey what is in my mind…

So sorry to see all the new parents here… It hurts me deeply to know why you’re here but I am so glad you made your way to this board. It’s really important to be able to express those feelings to those that understand..

I had a dream last night.. Chad hadn’t died he was just sick and had been sleeping like he was comatose.. I went down to his room and he opened his beautiful blue eyes to me… I cried and told him I had missed him so much and he told me he would never sleep that long again. I picked him up and carried him to my sleeping husband to show him Chad had finally woke up. He was groggy and he said I am going to give you a minute to see the truth and I woke up and realized the truth… But it was so nice to hold Chad again and hear his little voice…

Grief is miserable and can hit you anywhere for any reason: My sister and I decorated Chad’s grave over the holiday and my brother and his baggage (his girlfriend) had left a Christmas flag on his grave that read “Christmas in Paradise” well needless to say my sister just about had fit. I tried to calm her down, finally she just dropped to her knees and cried like a baby. It just sucked to see her so raw like that…Oh the joy of the holidays…. I for one am glad they are over with for the year…

Lorri: I know just how you feel.. My youngest son seems to have one problem after another, problems with friends, drinking, money, family, and it always seems to end with he and I having big fight. I wish to god he would just grow up and get out on his own that way I could try to make the best of what’s left of my life. He offers no comfort or sympathy for what his father and I have gone through everything seems to be all about him. Lately I feel like he is not part of our family we are just a stopping station for yelling, eating, and sleeping…. I keep hoping we are all going through a transformation period and it will get better over time…

Carol & Ralph/Mike: I still think of you both everyday and hold you both close to my heart…

Question for all of you out there: When Chad passed away I was eating only when I remembered, and I had a constant lump in my throat.. I have been eating a bit better.. The lump in my throat went away for awhile but it’s back again.. It’s got to be stress and all in my head but it feels like what you get when you try really hard not to cry… I sure wish it would go away…

Wow I just noticed I have been really rambling on tonight.. Sorry for that...

Love and Peace to all………….

[ericasmom]

Kathy, the train reference is just like the heart attack reference, it comes out before we realize the imagery attached to it. I probably have said the one about a heart attack before so there we are, humans who can't always refer to all the many ways others have lost someone. It's all good with me Hon.

Kate, it is hard work and keeping up here can be too, so only do what you want to right now. There is cumulative exhaustion and it is with you right now. Let yourself rest when you can and see if some extra gentle care helps. Soups, teas, hot baths, naps...plenty of water and are you taking vitamins?

Turdi, I am glad that you had a talk with the kids and offered them the advice you did. Prayers for good sense to prevail. Same to you Lorri.

Today I was downtown at my doc's office, apparently the mammograms from last week showed something to take a closer look so I had to go back for more, what fun. I had some diagnostic mammograms done, which is what I usually have in the first place and had those been ordered last week, I probably would not have had to have a second set done. Well that is neither here nor there really...the nice woman doing the mamm took some pictures and then said okay stand over there until I get this film ready...I stand near the sink. Was standing there for about 4 minutes, no movement or steps, the sink turns on hard and goes off. The woman says, " what just happened?" Her eyes as wide as saucers. She said, I have worked her twelve years and that never happened...I said, "well I think my Angel is in here with us and she is just letting us know." So thank you Eri for hanging out with me, you had my back today and let me know it.

[mikesmum]

Turdi, I am glad that you had a talk with the kids and offered them the advice you did. Prayers for good sense to prevail. Same to you Lorri.

TURDI...SERIOUSLY Think the last time I was called Turdi was at school or by my ugly (inside) older brother..

Love Ya Dee.

[shorty16]

Turdi - How come I did not think of that!!!!!

You made me laugh this morning.

Thanks

Colleen

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: Love the water faucet sign from Erz...she is with you...always.

Trudi: Need to put a spell check in so that doesn't happen again!

Now, if I could just have that same talk as Lorri and Trudi did, with my own drama queen , Davis. I think it was Leah who said that she told her kids that "if they are going to keep doing the same stupid stuff, then don't come to her for answers to their problems," or something similar to that. After I read that, I told him that, but it didn't change much. Drama queen is in his nature, I guess. But, he has dropped off with it significantly since this last couple of times of Mike being in the hospital. He actually came to the hospital the first time with some drama that had happened, and I wouldn't let him talk about it. Maybe he is getting the idea? Create your drama, live with it.

We are home from the hospital. Finally. He is still having the low blood pressure, but not as significant. His heart rate stabilized and seems to be doing okay. He sees the oncologist again on Friday to set up the radiation time schedule, and is to start the radiation on Monday. I read some "testimonials" last night from pancreatic cancer survivors and it was quite enlightening and hopeful. Of course, I know that everyone is different, but still one has to search out the encouraging words, if there are any, from survivors, if there are any.

got to run, visiting nurse is here.

love to all

[ericasmom]

OOOOPPPPS!

Aren't you funny, I am not good at checking my spelling, so sorry T-R-U-D-I

Chad's Mom, your dream must have felt nice, holding Chad again. It is good to see you again and yes, I know you are happy that the holidays are through for this winter. Is the lump in your throat actually preventing you from eating? Do you feel you should see a doctor? Have you tried a bit of yoga stretches a few times in the day that might relieve some built up stress? That may help too. Try some warm not hot tea without caffeine before eating and see if that helps too. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Carol, so good to see you home. HOORAY!

[lolynbo]

Feel like I deeamed of a young kourtney last night. I remember kissing on her. She told me something but I can't remember it Seems only if I was asking her heavenly questions and all she did was smile at me and in her eyes I knew she cldnt say. Only ppl in heaven no the answers

[lolynbo]

Feel like I deeamed of a young kourtney last night. I remember kissing on her. She told me something but I can't remember it Seems only if I was asking her heavenly questions and all she did was smile at me and in her eyes I knew she cldnt say. Only ppl in heaven no the answers

[Chads Mom]

Dee: The lump is not preventing me from eating just a constant dry lump feeling. I had an appointment recently with my doctor and he told me it might be my medications. I really feel like it’s stress and anxiety that have taken it’s toll on me lately.. I appreciate the suggestions I will give the tea and a bit of gentle exercise a shot. Lately I feel as bad as I look.. I am back to a normal work schedule now and am able to have a bit of time for myself for next few months. I took a brisk walk today and it felt really good to just get out even though it was freezing outside… Sometimes it’s the simple things that can make a difference. Glad Eri was with you at the mammogram..

Lorri: Your Kourtney sure is a sweet angel leaving you with her soft touch...

Wishing all of you a nice Wednesday…..

[ericasmom]

Polly, glad that you will have more time to yourself for a bit, sometimes we need to be caretakers of ourselves, we usually leave us to last, but stepping up to putting us up on the priority list is a good thing. Long brisk walks serve me like no other medicine. Yesterday I walked for about an hour, and I felt that in that time I felt that I was able to better see where I am in the world, shrinks the little worries somehow and allows what is most important to the surface.

Lorri, how nice, sounds like you had a visit.

[robyn]

Wow, what a day it has been over here on my homefront!

First off I just want to say thank you to all of you for reaching out and making me feel so comfortable here to express my feelings, emotions, and grief in regards to my beautiful baby girls passing. It's so odd that complete strangers can give you things those closest to you can't, and for that I really thank all of you...

I was able to speak with the DA today handling my daughters accident, he told me the driver now has an attorney and has refused to speak with him, not that it surprises me, but I was hoping he might talk.

I also got Mandy's toxicology report as I was up in the Boston area and they allowed me to pick it up. 0.011 blood alcohol level, legal limit is 0.008 I'm told. Makes me wonder who drank from the bottle found in the vehicle.

While up in Boston I inquired about her cause of death, as the death certificate read "pending." Blunt force trauma to her head with multiple skull fractures... Why did she get in that damn car????? I just can't wrap my mind around it, it makes me so angry.

With so much information to ingest today I found out my mom is being released from the hospital tomorrow. Although we'll worry about her daily, we're so thankful she's off life support and finally able to come home.

Also... My husband and I have been raising Angel, our 9 year old for the past 6 years. Her dad passed away 2 years ago from drugs, and her mother is in and out of jail. Angel's grandmother and my mom have been friends for over 40 years. When her son started using drugs she got guardianship of Angel, but due to her age and health, she had asked Mike and I to help her out. Well long story short, we fell in love with this beautiful little "Angel" and she's called us "mom and dad" for the past 3 years. We go to court next Thursday for her guardianship. If all goes well we should be adopting her in the next 6 months. I'm sure Mandy will be watching over us...

Wishing all of you sleep tonight, and perhaps a moment when you feel you can breathe a little

Rachel

Rachel, Many prayers for you and your Angel.

Robyn

[robyn]

I hope everyone had the best holidays possible. I am glad they are over, speaking only for myself. We indulged the kids like crazy- it just seemed the thing to do. Chrissy's husband stole a few hours and went down to her beach and spent some time with her. I hope I can do that soon, too. My best friend is back in the hospital again- she sounds so tired. I have to get up there and see her soon. I need to hold her hand and tell her one more time how much I love her.

God is kind and I am finding that the sadness is not as paralyzing as it was. But I'm glad the holidays are over. All this manufactured "joy" on TV and in the stores is rankling.

Wow. I hope I'm not turning into a grouch...

6 weeks, 1 day.

[daveydow1]

Trudi-----Love the beautiful card honoring Micheal Shane.

Dee-----ERz was surely right there to lend support to you, and to let you know she was with you.

Lorri----Sorry all the hassle with Kimberly & Kody. Yikes !!! Do our adult kids ever really 'grow up'

I'm so very sorry to see all the new parents on this site, since I was off for awhile. Peace and

prayers for each and every one.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Robyn, I am glad to hear that you are doing okay considering...glad that Chrissy's husband spent time with you all. It is sad that your friend is so ill, I will send thoughts your way, her way and hope that somehow, she finds peace in all of this.

Sherry, so good to see Davey's smiling face today. So handsome.

Rachel, Manda's Mom, I am glad that Angel has a place to be with folks that love her. I do hope the adoption goes through soon.

Rachel, other new Rachel whose Son had a Child, I wonder how your court appointment went? I am hoping good things for you guys. Prayers.

[lolynbo]

I HATE TO COMPLAIN ON THE KIDS BUT. U JUST CAN'T HANDLE STRESS ANYMORE. SEEMS AS IF U HAVE NO FUSE ANYMORE

[ericasmom]

So true, the fuse is much shorter for some things, longer for other things. I have infinite patience in some areas where it was shorter before Eri died...we are changed, our triggers are different. We also are aging and with that comes change as well. HOrmones have their way and we have to find ways to adjust to it all. It is okay Lorri, to complain about the kids when it gets to you. It is just real life that sometimes smacks us around.

[mikesmum]

Spending the weekend in Melbourne (the big city). Alison Dubois is here visiting. So I have booked a room where she is appearing and I think I might just have a very selfish me time.

The weeks leading up to an Angelversary seem to send my spirit into a downward spiral that sees me not wanting to be around those who dont get it.

Dee - Hoping all is well with the you know

Kathy - Apologises for the multiple posts...never necessary. Glad you got some family memory time with Barry and Tavian.

For those new, yes once the holidays are over its like a weight has been shifted. As for becoming a grouch, I guess its just that we now have such a different perspective on 'joy'.

Lorri - A dream, to be able to remember her being in your thoughts as you slept. I don't think she's far off.

Carol and Mike ~ Hoping the physio is going great and the upcoming treatment is gentle on you both.

Need to check out the wardrobe for some cityfied clothes. Been awhile since I went to such a fancy smancy place.. Not sure much will fit

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am so glad that you will be in the presence of Alison Dubois. I am happy for her too, to be in your company. I hope that she feels Mike's spirit there with you and addresses that . What a thrill to listen to her speak. Good for you my Trudi friend, to go do something good for your soul as you face the angelverssary, Me time is the best thing to insist upon. I'll bet you find some great citified clothing for the trip. Have a wondrous time.

Goodnight all, sleepy as can be. Peaceful thoughts out to you each

[shorty16]

Indigos

Below are two photos. The first photo is the Lannon-Stone table and bench set that we donated to Sunburst Ski Area in Brian's name. This bench set was chiseled out of rock. It is really a sight to see.

The second photo is the plaque in the middle of the table.

Thought you would enjoy seeing these!?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Col, the table and plaque are beautiful, a sight for your eyes and heart I am sure, and a sight for ours as well, knowing what it takes to have our Children's names engraved in stone.

Here are some amazing words that I read today in a short story from a magazine I receive monthly called The Sun.

The story is named Bruised by Joe Wilkins and here quoting Faulkner: "That was when I learned that words ar e no good: that words don't ever fit even what they are trying to say at. When he was born I knew that motherhood was invented by someone who had to have a word for it because the ones that had the children didn't care whther there was a word for it or not." the author goes on to relate his own thoughts; Even today Walter cries in the night, and Liz wakes, her breath running from her like water, for the rending memory is with her still. Even when she is not carrying our children, she carries them. Will always carry them..

And we do, we carry them for all time into each event every day.

[Jeff's Mom]

Indigos

Below are two photos. The first photo is the Lannon-Stone table and bench set that we donated to Sunburst Ski Area in Brian's name. This bench set was chiseled out of rock. It is really a sight to see.

The second photo is the plaque in the middle of the table.

Thought you would enjoy seeing these!?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen...what a wonderful way to honour Brian. The table and plaque are just perfect.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Love the table and plaque, what a unique and lasting way to honor Brian.

So the holidays are over for another year and I made it through. Had a house full on Christmas and the day after, just like the old days when the kids were younger. It was so busy for me, but good, and I found myself being teary-eyed at one point, between me and my sister, all our kids were there except for Brianna, what a huge hole she leaves! I sorely missed her presence and most likely felt it more than anyone else too.

My nephew's son....the little fella who was born on Brianna's 16th birthday (and the first b-day without her) what a sweet little guy, love him so much. My nephew and family live in Virginia so we don't get to see them often and the little guy was understandably shy and stand-offish, he just turned 2. My boyfriend Tom brought out a box of cars for him and we sat on the floor and played. Next thing I knew, he wanted me to hold him and he laid his little head on my shoulder, awwww!! Just made me melt! My oldest daughter even commented about "my mom the baby whisperer" lol. I couldn't help but think of Brianna sending him off to us with a kiss and a whisper to give her mom lots of hugs.

For Christmas, my oldest daughter gave me a sterling silver pendant with Brianna's angel picture on it, her initials BMB and the phrase "Love Lives On".

On vacation next week and looking forward to some "me" time too.

Love and peace to all Indigos, Jenn

[mikesmomrs]

There is so much I want to respond to, but have to leave in a minute to get to the store before it gets any later. It starts getting really cold around 3:30-4:00, so we want to get out and back before that.

Anyway, I was culling some of my files this morning and came across this song that I had heard a while ago, by Josh Groban. I know that some don't care for him, but his music is so stirring and emotional for me. I have a few of his songs incorporated into young Mike's memorial web site.

This is one that someone sent to me, I think, but I did want to share. The link brings you to the song with the lyrics, but I will also print the lyrics here. "remembering" is so important in our lives, when we think of those memories we have of our child, and hold them close to our hearts, they are alive, as long as we remember, they will still be here.

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,

It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you

Whenever you tell, my story

For I am all I've done

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers

And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you

Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you

If you will only

Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me

In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

I live forever

Remember me

Remember me

Remember... me...

[briansdad]

Love this version from the BIG IZ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gz1RHWRVKZ8&feature=related

[ericasmom]

Oh Carol, that song is lovely and while I do not seek out Josh Groban music, that song is a winner, thanks for sharing.

Greg, I cry every time I play the Big Iz version of Somewhere over the Rainbow...which I have both at home and at school. He had an amazing voice and it is hard to fathom his size with that voice, so delicate at times, he is missed. How have you been this winter errr...spring? It is 51 degrees here in Chicagoland and it was said that Forsythia bushes have begun to bloom 4 months early at the Arboretum. That is not good. The city planners have actually been planting cypress trees in Chicago predicting our climate to be that of New Orleans in 30 years. WHAT!? But oh, some of the politicians do not believe in global warming...it is real. I went for a two hour walk down to the slough and then onward to the little shopping district one town over. Had a coffee and walked while window shopping...an enjoyable afternoon.

[lolynbo]

AGAIN....I DONT HAVE TIME FOR "FRIENDS" THAT CANT ACKNOWLEDGE KOURTNEY BEING GONE....ON FB I HAVE SEVERAL "FRIENDS THAT NEVER ONCE REPLY TO ANYTHING I POST.....BUT YET ONE POSTS "HEY GONNA BE IN TOWN WOULD LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH".....I REPLYED" I WILL BE OUT OF TOWN THANKS ANYWAYS".....SORRY FOLKS BUT I REALIZE LIFE IS SHORT AND IM NOT WASTING MY TIME ON PPL...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, I fully agree, no time to waste on folks that just don't even make the effort. How is Kody doing?

[sprout1212]

hello all, I am new here and from the advice of another member they suggested I write in this topic about my story...

After trying for "kind of short" while to conceive a child my fiance and I found out we were pregnant on 4-18-11, we waited to tell our family about the baby untill we got our 12 weeks ultrasound to 'make sure' everything was ok... most people say if you make it to then your baby is most likely ok. We go on to our 20 week ultrasound, no mention of anything wrong with the anatomy... the whole pregnancy the drs told me my child was ok up untill October 14th,2011 ... i was in a car accident and the seat belt hurt my stomach so I was sent to the hospital, they performed an ultrasound there to check on the baby... they came back and told me the amniotic fluid was low around him, they treated me as if my water had broken but after a few more tests they learned this was not the case... a spent a week in the hospital with drs telling me all sorts of things back and forth and back and forth.... the outcome was that they knew something was wrong with my sons kidney or kidneys... they couldnt even tell me if he had two because with the lack of fluid around him, they couldnt see his insides to well. i was sent home from the hospital being told there was nothing I could do to help him, I hated this being told I cant help him... i just started to eat even healther and resting and tried to do my best to not cause stress to him... i visated the dr twice a week for the rest of my pregnancy, they told me to abort him (at 29 weeks!!!!!), never the less we did not, they told us he wouldnt grow, but he continued too... they then told us we wouldnt make it past 32 weeks... my son came at 39 weeks... he was born December 24th, 2011 and passed away just after christmas was over on the 26th. his lungs did not form properly due to the lack of amniotic fluid because of his kidney not functioning. I still have not got his autopsy back yet and we will have to go for genetic testing to see what the chances are of us having this happen again. His funeral was yesterday, and today I recieved a copy of his cetificate of baptism in the mail ( it was terriable opening the mail... had sympathy cards, mail addressed to "parents of baby mcdonnell" , coupons for baby items, even parents magazine... I started to hysterically cry. I at random just cry, i wake up looking for my child (sometimes i even roll over and grab my stomach and say be careful youll hurt carter), i feel like there is no need for me to get up in the morning. I feel like I should of stayed by my sons side the whole time he was in the nicu rather then in my room, i feel like i should of done more or something, i replay those days in my mind over and over and over and just cry, sometimes i just burst out crying thinking i can not go on with out him... i had so many dreams for him, plans to do things with him... now i cant go anywhere (for example a zoo or park) because i think how i was looking forward to having taken my son there. I tried to go out to eat, but was sat near a infant, both me and my fiance cried. Were both scared to go anywhere in fear of seeing children. Can anyone offer advice on how to handle any of these feelings I am having?

www.facebook.com/carterskidney

[RonnieAlt]

Col, the table and plaque are beautiful, a sight for your eyes and heart I am sure, and a sight for ours as well, knowing what it takes to have our Children's names engraved in stone.

Here are some amazing words that I read today in a short story from a magazine I receive monthly called The Sun.

The story is named Bruised by Joe Wilkins and here quoting Faulkner: "That was when I learned that words ar e no good: that words don't ever fit even what they are trying to say at. When he was born I knew that motherhood was invented by someone who had to have a word for it because the ones that had the children didn't care whther there was a word for it or not." the author goes on to relate his own thoughts; Even today Walter cries in the night, and Liz wakes, her breath running from her like water, for the rending memory is with her still. Even when she is not carrying our children, she carries them. Will always carry them..

And we do, we carry them for all time into each event every day.

Mom's literally do carry their children's cells in their bodies for the rest of their lives. That is probably why we have mother's intuition, because cells communicate and "know" when something is wrong with our children. I have experienced it so many times. I read this article today, it is so interesting, my baby Cherry is still with me, cells from her body still live in mine!

http://boingboing.net/2012/01/03/cells.html

I too am glad the holidays are behind us. It is 13 weeks today since my precious daughter died. It has been a really rough 13 weeks.

1) The drug dealer who sold her the heroin died from a heroin overdose 3 weeks after my daughter died.

2) The "friend" she was using with that left her to die, went to jail on 11/30/2011 for severely beating and choking his new wife (he married 1 week after my daughter's death) is still in jail and can't post the bail.

3) My nephew who was using with my daughter when she overdosed 9 days before her death and performed CPR on her and saved her life, has checked into rehab and been sober now for 42 days. He claims that Cherry saved his life but helping him to get sober.

I am still in severe grief and cry all the time. I got the toxicology report and Cherry died of "acute heroin toxicity". When I called the ME's office, the woman was so matter-of-fact about the results, no condolence, no tact, just rude. It really hurt, like my daughter was just another junkie, who cares, next....

I saw her treated like that so many times when she tried to get help. It is so wrong.

I snapped at my mom the other day, because she keeps calling me asking me how I am. I finally told her I was not good, and would never be alright, and to please stop asking me that question. I told her, part of me died with Cherry Lynn and I will NEVER be the same again. It worked, she stopped asking me stupid questions. I am broken hearted and will never be the same, I cannot "snap" out of it, I cannot "get over" it, it will always be a painful, missing puzzle piece of my life, that only my daughter could fill. I will not be alright until I get to be with her again. I am glad the holidays are over, but there is always her angelversary every month on the 14th, including Valentine's Day. My birthday, her birthday, Mother's Day, and even Father's Day because Cherry would always call and wish me a Happy Father's Day since her biological sperm-donor left 29 years ago, and her evil step-father abused her, gave her PTSD which caused her to use heroin and they were estranged for 10 years. It is everyday, that we remember and miss our beautiful children that have gone on ahead of us.

I have loosened my grip on this life because of her death, things have all changed priority in my life. I know what means something and what doesn't. I am not afraid to die, she has blazed that trail already. I look forward to the next phase of the journey and being reunited with my daughter again.

My heart goes out to all the new parents that have found this forum since last time I was here, I am so heart-broken for your losses. I pray for everyone on this site continually, and am thankful to have people who understand my pain and sorrow.

[shorty16]

My dear Indigo Friends,

Cherry's Mom, I hold you tight as I read you post. You are so new to this journey. This journey that does not end until we see our kids again. I am happy for your nephew that he is clean for 42 days. I know that does little to lessen your pain. Consider yourself hugged.

Sprout1212 - We know your pain. Prior to the birth of our daughter, my first pregnancy ended too early. I was devastated. I could not look at a pregnant woman. I feel your pain. You have come to the right place. I lost my 16 year old son, Brian to a completely preventable car crash. Brian was a risk-taker and took a risk he could not come back from. We are here to support you and your husband. Love to you.

Lorri - Boy, can I relate to just not wanting to expend the effort on those that do not acknowledge our child. My husband's family does not talk about Brian. I really do not like it. Scott makes excuses for them, but there is no excuse for that. My MIL even slipped and said she had 11 grandchildren (w/Brian it is 12). She denied her our grandchild!!! And Scott wonders why I do not like going to his family functions. Angain, Scott made an excuse for her.

My dear friends, I think about our angels every day, several times a day. They are always on my mind and in my heart. I just miss Brian so much. I am trying to work on my anger issues. I still want the driver and other passenger to suffer as much as we do. I know that is bad, but I cannot help it. They go on with their lives and we are left picking up the pieces.

[ericasmom]

Sprout, my heart aches for all that you are going through, for the missing of your Boy. He is beautiful, thank you for sharing the photo. It is important for you to know that there are folks here that will hold onto you as you find your way through this maze of grief.

Ronnie, so many tough times I know. YOu are early on this road, hold on, bumps and holes will trip you up but each day you'll know that you are walking where Cherry no longer can adn you will follow the light that she has left for you.

[lolynbo]

DEE, THANKS FOR ASKING ABOUT KODY WAYNE.....HES GOOD STILL NO JOB.....IN ALL FAIRNESS HIS TRUCK IS DOWN AND HASNT HAD TIME TO LOOK OR THE MEANS...I ASKED DID HE WANNA TAKE MY RIDE ...HE SAID NO....LOL BROOKE TEXTED OVER CHRISTMAS ...MY GUESS CUZ SHE REALIZED SHE WASNT GETTN ANYTHING....OH WELL NOT OUR FAULT

IM HAVING MY SURGERY DONE AGAIN WEDS SO I WILL BE OUT OF IT FOR FEW DAYS...KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS....NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT LOOKING FWD TO IT

OH AND MONTY AND I ARE NOT GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK END AS I TOLD MY "FRIEND"......JUST DONT HAVE TIME....I DONT EVEN WANNA WASTE THE MAKEUP ID HAVE TO PUT ON TO FAKE MY SMILE....I NO IM MEAN BUT PISSSSSSSSSSSSSS ON EM

[Jeff's Mom]

My dear Indigo Friends,

Cherry's Mom, I hold you tight as I read you post. You are so new to this journey. This journey that does not end until we see our kids again. I am happy for your nephew that he is clean for 42 days. I know that does little to lessen your pain. Consider yourself hugged.

Sprout1212 - We know your pain. Prior to the birth of our daughter, my first pregnancy ended too early. I was devastated. I could not look at a pregnant woman. I feel your pain. You have come to the right place. I lost my 16 year old son, Brian to a completely preventable car crash. Brian was a risk-taker and took a risk he could not come back from. We are here to support you and your husband. Love to you.

Lorri - Boy, can I relate to just not wanting to expend the effort on those that do not acknowledge our child. My husband's family does not talk about Brian. I really do not like it. Scott makes excuses for them, but there is no excuse for that. My MIL even slipped and said she had 11 grandchildren (w/Brian it is 12). She denied her our grandchild!!! And Scott wonders why I do not like going to his family functions. Angain, Scott made an excuse for her.

My dear friends, I think about our angels every day, several times a day. They are always on my mind and in my heart. I just miss Brian so much. I am trying to work on my anger issues. I still want the driver and other passenger to suffer as much as we do. I know that is bad, but I cannot help it. They go on with their lives and we are left picking up the pieces.

Colleen...I know what you are saying about others skirting around mentioning the name. My MIL after Jeff died put all his photos and everything away and treated it as if he had never existed. At one point she said,"Oh yes, I keep forgetting about him." It made it very difficult to want to help her... as she was dying from cancer. And my sister's comment was,"Hey, it's been almost two years now." Time to move on and get over it." You both should think of seeing a professional if you are "still" grieving!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Others have a life and it makes them upset to see you like this.

[mysonrich]

Hi everyone, still dragging here with the memories of Rich and knowing/realizing that there will no longer be new photographs of him. No new tales of adventure to tell. Its been almost 3 years. That alone os hard to believe and yet, 3 years that the knowing still hasn't fully been processed. Don't think his death ever will be.

Something happened to tip the scales in my emotional state. Sometimes I teeter, sometimes totter as I continue this balancing act called life.

I work with a young man. I am posting part of a news story so that you can see the depth of despair I feel. For him. For me. For us all. My co-worker lost his 37 year old brother Christmas eve. It was an accident, carbon monoxide poisoning. He sat down on a couch in a rented garage where he and my co-worker and another brother or 2 fix cars. He was tired and that nap turned into forever. The mans death has brought to the surface so many raw emotions. I'm not sure if relating to my co-workers loss has left me affected or being so close to Rich’s last date on earth or the combination of both. Well, reading everyday. Thinking of you all always. The little 4 year old in the news article is my co-worker now.The parents are his. My Sarah was 2 months old when this happened and most of us locals knew of the family business, went there,enjoyed the river too.

Thanks for listening. I know I haven't been much of a support here lately.

1986

A New Jersey couple drowned but six children were saved after the couple's boat capsized in the Delaware River near Titusville, N.J., yesterday, state police said.

Rescuers retrieved the body of Susan Hujber, 44, soon after the 3:30 p.m. accident, which occurred 100 feet south of Fiddler's Creek where the river is about 10 feet deep and three-quarters of a mile wide.

Forty rescue workers from six communities searched for hours for her husband, Donald Hujber. At 8:15 p.m., just as the workers were about to abandon their efforts until daybreak, his body was found.

Susan Hujber was pronounced dead on arrival at 4:46 p.m. at Mercer Medical Center in Trenton. Her husband's body was taken to Mercer County's morgue.

There were six children in the boat, state police said. Three children from the Hujber family, Walter, 4, Christine, 10, and Donald 11, were taken to The Medical Center at Princeton, along with Steven Hujber, 8, a cousin, hospital officials said. There they were examined and released into the custody of an aunt, hospital officials said.

State police gave the following account of the accident:

Donald Hujber was operating the 14-foot Starcraft. While he was reversing the engine, water poured into the boat, capsizing it and throwing all eight occupants into the water. The six children clung to the overturned boat until they were rescued, but Donald Hujber swam off in an attempt to rescue his wife.

Police said neighbors heard the children's screams. Linda Jones swam 50 feet to the boat while Heidi Seymour and Susan McDonald went out in their boat to aid the youngsters.

"The children were so shaken up, we couldn't get much information out of them," said Capt. Edward Van Heis of the Titusville Fire Company's rescue squad.

The Hujbers, who lived on Pleasant Valley Road, near Route 29 in Hopewell Township, owned and operated a drive-in restaurant there that bears the family name. The three Hujber children are pupils at the Bear Tavern Elementary School in Hopewell Township.

The cause of the accident is under investigation by Hopewell Township Police and state police from the Hopewell barracks.

[shorty16]

Betsy,

I totally get what you are going through. My co-worker recently lost her 11 year old grandson. It takes us back to those early days when the breath was knocked right out of us. When dis-belief and total physical pain were an every second occurence.

I went to that funeral and cried the entire time. I kept thinking "She is in so much pain, begging anyone she can find to tell her this really did not happen." It is hard to recover from that. Consider yourself hugged.

Kate

There is no getting over the loss of a child. I never realized that until it happened to us. We lost a part of ourselves and have to learn to live all over again. Both of your statements belong in out vitual book "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That" It amazes me how insensitive people can be. But that is why I am here. Because these people know my pain. They will not judge me when (after 3.5 years), I still cry over the death of Brian at 16. I still feel pain, empty and alone.

However, these people here have taught me how to live again. They taught me that it is OK to laugh again. I am not dis-honoring my son by laughing. These people have helped me with my guilt. The self-torment that told me I was a terrible mother that could not even keep her kid alive, let alone take care of the other 2 kids I have.

For this, I am eternally grateful.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Just finished trying to get caught up on the last few days of posts. Very busy at work and not much time, but wanted to check in and so sorry to see that new people have joined us here. I am so sorry for all of your losses but glad that you have found us. Everyone here really does understand your pain and grief and disbelief that we have found ourselves in a world that our beloved children no longer walk in. I am trying to stay busy as the 2 year mark approaches and hope that it will be easier than last year. It's just another day, but one where I remember with crystal clarity almost everything that happened from the moment my cell phone started ringing until I collapsed sobbing in my bed that night. Love to you all dealing with adult kids, ailing parents, adoptions, custody battles, health issues, all of the things that you wish you would get a 'bye' on since we have so great a loss to deal with already. But life goes on, doesn't it? So I send you all wishes for a moment's peace, and strength for whatever you must deal with this day, and the days to come.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Colleen..I appreciate it. And Betsy...well I totally understand how you are feeling these days. I feel as we all do after the loss of my child. Altered forever. This is different from the loss of my older family members. This is a pain unlike others. It is always just below the surface. We never know what will trigger an episode of sadness. I felt very badly reading the report of that families tragedy. It gave me the chills. So much sadness and heartache out there. And yet Colleen is right in that we need to make a huge effort to find enjoyment in the little things that surround our grief. I know Jef would not want me to mope around all day. Yet, he is always on my mind. Try to stay strong. (HUGS)

Kate

[briansdad]

What a difference a word makes.A friend of mine posted this on facebook.

My friend and one of the most brilliant minds on the planet Dr. Darcie Sims says she would like to change some of the language in grief. The word "Accept" is one word she would like to see go...I will never accept Ashley's death as it means I agree with it..but "Acknowledge" we can do according to Darcie....I agree with her...your thoughts?

[mom24]

Hi this is Rachael (zachs mom). Have'nt been on here in a few days. Just wanted to update those who are interested that we DID come home from our court appt. with our grandson. We got temp custody for now, however we have a long fight ahead of us as this is only the beginning. I am thankful for the here and now. Thank you God (and Zach)

Today has been such a hard day... Why is it that some are so harder than others?? The pain and grief is so unbearable at times.... Went to the Dr to get my release to return to work. Cried like a baby when the nurse told me she was sorry to hear about my son Zach. Then went to work to take them my release and cried the whole time. I am suposed to go back tomorrow....... Then went to the human resourse dept to ask about the insurance hold up, and then the funeral home-- who are all awaiting the cause of death from the states medical examiners report...... Duh, he was hit by a train.... Who cares what the toxicology reports says- it doesn't change a thing... Still haven't picked out a headstone for my sons grave. This isn't suppose to be my life.......... I miss Zach.

My teenage daughter is acting out in grief..... It's so hard not to react to her behavior-- I am not doing so well with it. Then again, it's so easy to feel like a failure as a parent right now.. Couldn't keep my son safe from harm even after all the talking and warnings of risky behavior. I hate that I was "right". I wish I had been "wrong"..... What I would give to have been wrong....... I am glad you are all patient people. I understand why normal people can't listen to us for very long. I am a bummer... I guess this is my new existance..... I am a Debbie Downer.... I hope that I won't always be this way for myself and my other children.

[mom24]

Also, One more thing. I finally found the courage to visit the accident site. The car landed about 50 feet from the tracks. My son was found approx 70 feet from the car. I don't know exactly where he eneded up, but seen the glass and impact site from the car. I was very touched that some people had left a cross decorated for christmas, flowers, and his key chain. I love these young people who loved my son and seem to want to hold onto them...

[mikesmomrs]

Spent all day at an appointment that was supposed to be only 1/2 hour or so. I guess all the details weren't completely explained when it was made, but that's okay. We expect delays and changes, etc., now. It is another new direction for our lives. Mike had the final set-up/verification today for his radiation and chemo to start next Monday. Towards the end of the appointment, the nursing director came in to take us to the final check out point, where the appointments are finalized for the first week of treatment. While standing there, she said to me "You do look familiar. I know I have seen you somewhere. Have you been here before?" Tears unexpectedly sprung as I said "Yes, we were here in 2006, when our son was treated for brain cancer." She immediately remembered, and said she was very sorry. Also told me that if I had any problems on any day that I was there with my husband, to let her know and she would help as best she could. I got the impression that she truly understood that five years does not mean that you are "over it" or have "gotten used to it." She asked if I'd had any problems in the past few times we've been there for this treatment. I said I broke down the first day, but then, was able to go through the steps, until last week, when we came in to see the oncologist and one of the radiation treatment masks used for those with brain cancer was there on the table in the doctor's office. It chilled me to the bone, and of course, I could not hold the tears back when I told her about it. Again, she was very kind. When the nurse came in early on in the appointment, Mike noticed her ring and said "that is a very beautiful ring." (He never does this.) She said, "thank you, it is a peridot." I said "August." "Yes," she said. August and peridot are young Mike's birth month and stone. On the way out after our appt, Mike wanted me to pick him up at the door, but at the last minute decided to walk to the car. As we crossed over into the garage, we noticed down in the basement of the garage, a yellow punch buggy, just sitting there, waiting for him, it would seem. Thanks, Mike, for being there with us.

Betsy: Fully processed? Never. No need to think about it, it is not going to happen. Longer breathing spaces, maybe, but completion of the process? No. We learn everyday, we know that each day can be so different. A day of enjoyment can be followed (or even interrupted by) memories that can place us back at day one, or one of the horrific days following day one. I am so sorry about your coworker's family. Such a tragedy.

Rachel: So very glad to hear that you did get temporary custody. We will be with you as you continue this battle, holding you close in our hearts and in our prayers. "Debbie Downer" does not exist on this site...no such thing. Just grieving parents, who are walking a road that is made up of days when our feelings cannot be anything by down, and sharing those helps us to live with them and get to the next day. Prayers for your teenage daughter. Sibling grief can be complicated and different for everyone.

Greg: I like "acknowledge." "Accept" does not exist in our world. Never will. But, acknowledge is something that not only do we do , but something that we wish others could find it in their hearts to do, instead of trying to make us feel as though we should act as though it never happened.

Rhonda: So glad that you checked in. Good to see Westley's face, and to hear from you.

Kate: "At one point she said,"Oh yes, I keep forgetting about him." It made it very difficult to want to help her... as she was dying from cancer. And my sister's comment was,"Hey, it's been almost two years now." Time to move on and get over it." You both should think of seeing a professional if you are "still" grieving!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very sorry that you have to live with such insensitivity, especially from your own family. How heartbreaking. My heart to you.

Colleen: And you, also, my friend. I am so sorry that Scott's family is so cruel as to not even mention Brian, or not even acknowledge that he existed. I honestly don't know how I would handle that. My brother and sisters (except for the one I see who lives in MA and who also lost children) never mention Mike unless I do, but one of the sisters will talk about it with me if I bring it up, though the other one and the brother "politely" change the subject.) When we were home to Mississippi in October, we were very fortunate in that Mike's family did acknowledge our talking about losing young Mike, and even went so far as to let us talk about him and to engage in the conversation with us.

I do love that the bench and table in Brian's honor is in a new place and being used by those who will see the beautiful plaque on it.

Lorri: Good luck with the surgery; I hope it goes better than last time and the results are what you want. Sorry about Kody's not having a job yet, but not having the transportation can be a huge hurdle. He may not want to take your car because of the responsibility that goes along with it.

Sprout1212 and Cherry's mom: I hold you close also, your pain is so new and so piercing. Cherry's mom, I am glad that your nephew is clean also, but as Colleen said, thtat does not lessen the pain of your beautiful child not being here. Sprout1212, I am so sorry for the pain you experience when you and your fiance see others with their babies or see baby things. Your precious Carter lives on in your heart, always, but that pain right now is so hard to handle and seeing all of those things that you no longer have a part in is extremely difficult. When our son, Mike, died of brain cancer in Oct of 2006, their baby was only 20 months old. It took a very long time before I could be around young couples with a small baby. Each time my heart would ache and my brain would scream.

Trudi: I hope you have enjoyed your wonderful weekend. You certainly deserved it and I hope that the show with Alison Dubois was all you expected and more.

Dee: Love that Erz was with you...love that you felt her.

Jenn: You are blessed to have a daughter who would do that for you...sounds like a beautiful pendant to remember your beautiful Brianna.

Sherry: So good to see Davey's beautiful smile. I hope all is well with you.

Susan: How are you and Regan doing? I know the holidays have been difficult, and my heart goes out to you.

To all of those so new here, and to those here for a while, I send my love and prayers to you...Becky (Such a beautiful song!)...Polly, RAchel (Manda's mom), MomofJess21, Marissa (Sean's mum), Kathy, Bonnie, Marcia, Betty, you are all in my heart and prayers every day.

I wanted to tell you all about something that happened at the hospital last week. Mike had spilled something on his pjs and the hospital brought a new pair, which of course, didn't fit. They looked for a larger size, but they only had the one size, so they brought down a pair of scrubs. Also too small. So, I gave him the ones I was wearing, as they were too big for me and they would fit him. So, I tried on the scrubs and they fit so I wore them. The next morning, when I took them off and was folding them up, I noticed this on the side of the leg. (I may have already posted this, but went back a few pages and didn't see it, so if I posted it previously, just put it down to brain drain.) Just wanted to be sure I shared it.

[Deana]

Rachael

I hate that I was "right". I wish I had been "wrong"..... I so understand this. I lost my 24 yr old son on Dec 4, due to a motorcycle accident. An accident of his own doing. I have preached for years to all 3 of my boys how dangerous they are. My 2 biggest fears in life were brought in one night. Losing a child and a motorcycle accident. I am very sorry for your loss. There really are no words, but hopefully there is some comfort in knowing that others feel your pain.

Deana

[mom24]

Thank you Deana, The loss of our sons were only one month and one day apart... Both accidents. Hopefully we can help each other.

[ericasmom]

RAchel and Deana, you will help each other and others beyond what is even imaginable at this point. It is an amazing cycle of helping and receiving here.

Carol, so cool, those hearts just scattered where you will see them, that Mike of yours, so intent on letting you know that he is along on each step of every day, of all of your journeys. Punch buggy too? He was active this week I'd say. Lovely.

Betsy, such ache in that young man's heart, losing his folks in a traumatic experience like that and now his Brother. What ache. I am glad that he has you and I am sorry for the ways his sadness invades your heart too. It seems inevitable. I found myself overly involved in that horrid story out of Conneticut on Christmas Morn, where the woman lost all three of her Girls as well as her parents. I keep thinking that there is no way to ever face such huge loss all in one fell swoop. Prayers are all I can send with my hope.

Rhonda so good to see Westley's handsome self today.

Rachel I am so glad that you have your Grandboy for now and hopefully you will have him for all time. Hard to go to the site of your Boy's accident I know, but to see the remembrances is very special indeed.

Trudi, I sure hope that this time with ms. DuBoise is fabulous.

Lorri, no wheels is a hard thing to deal with but something must be coming Kody's way, something good.

[Jeff's Mom]

Spent all day at an appointment that was supposed to be only 1/2 hour or so. I guess all the details weren't completely explained when it was made, but that's okay. We expect delays and changes, etc., now. It is another new direction for our lives. Mike had the final set-up/verification today for his radiation and chemo to start next Monday. Towards the end of the appointment, the nursing director came in to take us to the final check out point, where the appointments are finalized for the first week of treatment. While standing there, she said to me "You do look familiar. I know I have seen you somewhere. Have you been here before?" Tears unexpectedly sprung as I said "Yes, we were here in 2006, when our son was treated for brain cancer." She immediately remembered, and said she was very sorry. Also told me that if I had any problems on any day that I was there with my husband, to let her know and she would help as best she could. I got the impression that she truly understood that five years does not mean that you are "over it" or have "gotten used to it." She asked if I'd had any problems in the past few times we've been there for this treatment. I said I broke down the first day, but then, was able to go through the steps, until last week, when we came in to see the oncologist and one of the radiation treatment masks used for those with brain cancer was there on the table in the doctor's office. It chilled me to the bone, and of course, I could not hold the tears back when I told her about it. Again, she was very kind. When the nurse came in early on in the appointment, Mike noticed her ring and said "that is a very beautiful ring." (He never does this.) She said, "thank you, it is a peridot." I said "August." "Yes," she said. August and peridot are young Mike's birth month and stone. On the way out after our appt, Mike wanted me to pick him up at the door, but at the last minute decided to walk to the car. As we crossed over into the garage, we noticed down in the basement of the garage, a yellow punch buggy, just sitting there, waiting for him, it would seem. Thanks, Mike, for being there with us.

Betsy: Fully processed? Never. No need to think about it, it is not going to happen. Longer breathing spaces, maybe, but completion of the process? No. We learn everyday, we know that each day can be so different. A day of enjoyment can be followed (or even interrupted by) memories that can place us back at day one, or one of the horrific days following day one. I am so sorry about your coworker's family. Such a tragedy.

Rachel: So very glad to hear that you did get temporary custody. We will be with you as you continue this battle, holding you close in our hearts and in our prayers. "Debbie Downer" does not exist on this site...no such thing. Just grieving parents, who are walking a road that is made up of days when our feelings cannot be anything by down, and sharing those helps us to live with them and get to the next day. Prayers for your teenage daughter. Sibling grief can be complicated and different for everyone.

Greg: I like "acknowledge." "Accept" does not exist in our world. Never will. But, acknowledge is something that not only do we do , but something that we wish others could find it in their hearts to do, instead of trying to make us feel as though we should act as though it never happened.

Rhonda: So glad that you checked in. Good to see Westley's face, and to hear from you.

Kate: "At one point she said,"Oh yes, I keep forgetting about him." It made it very difficult to want to help her... as she was dying from cancer. And my sister's comment was,"Hey, it's been almost two years now." Time to move on and get over it." You both should think of seeing a professional if you are "still" grieving!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very sorry that you have to live with such insensitivity, especially from your own family. How heartbreaking. My heart to you.

Colleen: And you, also, my friend. I am so sorry that Scott's family is so cruel as to not even mention Brian, or not even acknowledge that he existed. I honestly don't know how I would handle that. My brother and sisters (except for the one I see who lives in MA and who also lost children) never mention Mike unless I do, but one of the sisters will talk about it with me if I bring it up, though the other one and the brother "politely" change the subject.) When we were home to Mississippi in October, we were very fortunate in that Mike's family did acknowledge our talking about losing young Mike, and even went so far as to let us talk about him and to engage in the conversation with us.

I do love that the bench and table in Brian's honor is in a new place and being used by those who will see the beautiful plaque on it.

Lorri: Good luck with the surgery; I hope it goes better than last time and the results are what you want. Sorry about Kody's not having a job yet, but not having the transportation can be a huge hurdle. He may not want to take your car because of the responsibility that goes along with it.

Sprout1212 and Cherry's mom: I hold you close also, your pain is so new and so piercing. Cherry's mom, I am glad that your nephew is clean also, but as Colleen said, thtat does not lessen the pain of your beautiful child not being here. Sprout1212, I am so sorry for the pain you experience when you and your fiance see others with their babies or see baby things. Your precious Carter lives on in your heart, always, but that pain right now is so hard to handle and seeing all of those things that you no longer have a part in is extremely difficult. When our son, Mike, died of brain cancer in Oct of 2006, their baby was only 20 months old. It took a very long time before I could be around young couples with a small baby. Each time my heart would ache and my brain would scream.

Trudi: I hope you have enjoyed your wonderful weekend. You certainly deserved it and I hope that the show with Alison Dubois was all you expected and more.

Dee: Love that Erz was with you...love that you felt her.

Jenn: You are blessed to have a daughter who would do that for you...sounds like a beautiful pendant to remember your beautiful Brianna.

Sherry: So good to see Davey's beautiful smile. I hope all is well with you.

Susan: How are you and Regan doing? I know the holidays have been difficult, and my heart goes out to you.

To all of those so new here, and to those here for a while, I send my love and prayers to you...Becky (Such a beautiful song!)...Polly, RAchel (Manda's mom), MomofJess21, Marissa (Sean's mum), Kathy, Bonnie, Marcia, Betty, you are all in my heart and prayers every day.

I wanted to tell you all about something that happened at the hospital last week. Mike had spilled something on his pjs and the hospital brought a new pair, which of course, didn't fit. They looked for a larger size, but they only had the one size, so they brought down a pair of scrubs. Also too small. So, I gave him the ones I was wearing, as they were too big for me and they would fit him. So, I tried on the scrubs and they fit so I wore them. The next morning, when I took them off and was folding them up, I noticed this on the side of the leg. (I may have already posted this, but went back a few pages and didn't see it, so if I posted it previously, just put it down to brain drain.) Just wanted to be sure I shared it.

Carol and Ralph, if I had arms long enough... I would reach out and send a huge hug to all of you feeling in need. Ralph, well I have to say that those P.J'S are absolutely FABULOUS! You are going to set a new trend my friend. At least we don't have to worry about back closure. I have perfected the double gown effect. Front to back and back to front. It seems to work. Thinking of you guys and wishing you a decent weekend. Carol...make sure you keep up with those vitamins.

Kate

[lolynbo]

I THINK SO TOO

Lorri, no wheels is a hard thing to deal with but something must be coming Kody's way, something good.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi this is Rachael (zachs mom). Have'nt been on here in a few days. Just wanted to update those who are interested that we DID come home from our court appt. with our grandson. We got temp custody for now, however we have a long fight ahead of us as this is only the beginning. I am thankful for the here and now. Thank you God (and Zach)

Today has been such a hard day... Why is it that some are so harder than others?? The pain and grief is so unbearable at times.... Went to the Dr to get my release to return to work. Cried like a baby when the nurse told me she was sorry to hear about my son Zach. Then went to work to take them my release and cried the whole time. I am suposed to go back tomorrow....... Then went to the human resourse dept to ask about the insurance hold up, and then the funeral home-- who are all awaiting the cause of death from the states medical examiners report...... Duh, he was hit by a train.... Who cares what the toxicology reports says- it doesn't change a thing... Still haven't picked out a headstone for my sons grave. This isn't suppose to be my life.......... I miss Zach.

My teenage daughter is acting out in grief..... It's so hard not to react to her behavior-- I am not doing so well with it. Then again, it's so easy to feel like a failure as a parent right now.. Couldn't keep my son safe from harm even after all the talking and warnings of risky behavior. I hate that I was "right". I wish I had been "wrong"..... What I would give to have been wrong....... I am glad you are all patient people. I understand why normal people can't listen to us for very long. I am a bummer... I guess this is my new existance..... I am a Debbie Downer.... I hope that I won't always be this way for myself and my other children.

Rachael...you have been through so much over the past few weeks. You are going to get through this my friend...you will! It is a long and slow process. That is great about the court decision on custody! Focus on doing one task at a time. There is so much on your plate at this time. It is overwhelming...and that is why WE are here to support you. Lean on us and we will help to carry you along this difficult journey. Good luck tomorrow. Thinking of you and keep us posted as to how your day went.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Goodnight All, I hope that there is some sleep that is deep to rest those tired over worked bodies and minds. Grief and grieving is a very tiring experience, one must find sleep when one can.

Rachel, it will be important for your Daughter to express her anguish over her Brother's death and acting out is one way that younger folks do that. Is it possible for her to go to talk to a therapist maybe with you or alone? school counselor? How old is she? There are books in the library specifically for the siblings dealing with death. They are the forgotten ones in all of the chaos, not that we forget them, but others do. Friends and teachers and neighbors don't quite get what the sibling might be feeling. My Son is older than Eri, he was 21 when Eri was killed by the train. The way she died, the way Zach died, also make it very hard as it was violent and that aspect is difficult. There is anger too, both at the train and maybe at the sibling which is very confusing to the surviving kids. Being angry might make them feel confused and guilty. There is so much that goes on in missing the sibling. It is said that the siblings are the evidence to one's life. The partner in history and the person/people that you will know the longest in your life. It is a very charged situation when someone loses a brother or sister. My answer always starts with therapy only because I have been lucky in therapy and have been helped but also, these unbiased humans with the ability to raise questions when they need to be raised and can take our anger and disappointment because they are not a part of our history...it might help. Thinking of you in this very difficult time.

[mikesmum]

Odd couple of days. As you may or not know I am booked into see Alison Dubios here in Melbourne. I also booked a room at the venue, a treat for me.

I only found out she was here on Thursday I think.

I um'd and ard till I finally decided to take a breath and go. Things just fell into place. First the room rate was 50% off for Government employees. Despite not working for almost 5yrs I am still employed, on permanent leave. When I booked my ticket for Alison Dubois the site was an American site and the exchange rate when I paid was over parity

To make it a 'selfish' me experience I wanted to get a manicure/pedicure using a gift voucher from my daughter. Didn't hold out much hope. When they answered they told me they just had a cancellation for noon. Snap.

Today (Sat) I pulled up at a stop sign and there beside me "Mike ~ Lightforce Painting Service". On the way back I stopped at our local 'candy store' In the window was candy called Mike & Ike candy. The shopkeeper told me it was a candy from the States.

So Carol ~ Might be mine or yours, but either way I'm taking the signs with me.

I'm off tomorrow morning. Calling in on a few markets on my way to town.

Looking forward to me time with Alison Dubois.....

Love and Light Indigo's

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: Oh, so glad to hear from you! I was half-way afraid you'd changed your mind and not gone. Should have known better...when the forces are at work, not much stops them. You are where you are supposed to be, Micheal's mum, you are where you are supposed to be. Well, from my vantage point, the "Mike---Lightforce Painting Service," is likely your own sweet Micheal putting in his two cents, then the "Mike and Ike" Candy from the states....my Mike's very favorite over all confections, even better than he liked Almond Joy, and that was a LOT! On his first birthday after he left this earth, we left a bag of them by his memorial site. You are on a roll, my friend, you are on a roll! Last minute decision, 50% off (and I am gathering that "exchange rate of parity must mean something good for YOU), manicure and pedicure...no available appointments? Oh, that one for noon, she's going to have her plans altered...room for Trudi, coming right up! The "signs" are yours to fly with my dear, and fly high, right there with your sweet angel and all the good forces guiding you along this meant-to-be-experience.

Melbourne will never be the same after you and all our angels have passed through it, I'm sure!

Love to you and wishes for a grand, grand time.