Loss of an Adult Child

[dwsmithrn]

morning....in the beginning, i don't remember any of the nightmares...my husband said i would cry out loud and say things loudly...some things he could make out, some he couldn't...he just knew by my voice they weren't good things and he knew i had had a nightmare. i couldn't remember any of it when i woke up. then, this time, i remember all of it and it was so vivid. the whole family was floating on round intertubes, sort of like rafts, with bottoms in them....like on a nice, calm river or something....we were laughing talking and everyone was clinging to each other's rafts...it was so calm and peaceful, then all of a sudden, there were white water falls ahead, 'danger' lurked ahead and i got panicked....nathan was near the front and i couldn't hold on to him....he went over the falls, i couldn't hold on to him, i couldn't save him and he was gone, just like that...that is when i woke up crying and sobbing and clinging to my pillows and covers and i can't seem to get over that nightmare...it brings back that feeling that 'i couldn't save my baby'...i am, once again, a mess.....

there could be all sorts of messages in that dream, but i don't want to look for one. it scares me so much.

i just want for once, to have a good dream about nathan, a nice chat with him, or let him come back and hold my hand. not these terrible remembrances that he is not here...it is just too painful.

i must leave my house today and go to the office at lunchtime, when people aren't there to do a little paper work. then, back home to my safe place.

i will check in later on...

peace to all...diane

[dwsmithrn]

lorri...i did that, too, and nathan's number had already been reassigned to someone else...like 4 weeks after..i thought they retired numbers, but, nope, they just move them right along...gotta make a buck...no respect whatsoever.....i texted..'miss you so much, nate'.....i never got a text back, but i called the number when i realized it actually went through and i got a voice mail...so i hung up. but, i won't take his number and text messages off my phone. still mine to hold on to.

diane

[andy88]

Good morning friends. I'm on vacation at the beach for 7 days. Last week was a horrible week for me, but I think I'm back on the upswing. A little wren flew into my house a couple days ago. Maybe it was Andy saying hello? Anyway, it cheered me up.

Lorri, just so you know, I must be crazy too cuz I text Andy nearly every night because that's what I did when he was alive. I still pay for his phone every month so I can call and hear his voicemail message and text him. Whoever sent you that ugly message really ticked me off. I pray that person never loses a child because then they would understand, in spades. Sending you the biggest hug.

Sending love to all and hoping you have a ray of sunshine today.

Pam

[dwsmithrn]

hi pam...what beach? have a wonderful time...don't forget to use your sunscreen....have a good time and maybe your ray of sunshine will shine just a little brighter for you while at the beach...

take care of yourself.....love, diane

i still want to get together when the time presents itself....

[Brendan's Daddy]

Just stopping in to say hello and let you all know I am thinking of you. We have been so very busy. We moved out of our home on July 1st. I went back yesterday and cut the grass one last time. It is so very hard to let go of all the memories. How can so many great memories be so overshadowed by one terrible memory? We were blessed to have our house sell so quickly. One month in this market is pretty lucky. We officially close on Friday. I will pray every night that things go smooth and the sale goes through. I have been very up and down lately. Those stages of grief come and go so quickly. One day I think I am moving forward and the next day I come crashing back down. Not much else going on right now for us. Living in a very tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Working on our house plans and hoping to start building in August. Brendan, daddy misses you every second of every day. I love you B-Diddy.

Susannah

I love the way you have chosen to think about your pain. I am going to try that. I get so down so often and maybe thinking that it is Brendan trying to be near me will help. I feel like I need to be with him so badly. Maybe he is already with me and I am just too sad to know it. Thank you for sharing that.

Bonnie

Great dream of Jason. I am glad you got a dream of him. I have not had a dream of my Brendan in quite some time. I could really use one though.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[daveydow1]

Dee-----Yep....it's hot here (90 degrees), but I know from the weather reports that it is so

much hotter in other ares of the country, so I can't complain too much. It's always a nice

cool 67 degrees in our family room in the basement, so that's where I go when it's hot.

(no A/C in our house).So kind of Matt to write to you and talk about ERz. He is one kind & exceptional person.

Diane----Sorry about your nightmare. Yes, I believe that your councelor is correct that we

go through these 5 stages of grief in no real pattern......weaving our way back and forth.

So good to keep Nate's text messages......a link that does keep you closer to your beloved

son. Peace, and hopes that you get some good sleep without the nightmares, but with some

sweet little dreams of Nate.

Trudi-----Oh, I've also heard people talk of their 'grief' over Empty Nest. Crazy...!! How would

they feel if their child was never coming back ???

Betty-----Yes, we do find a lot of solace in our gardens.......veggie, and the one my husband & I

made for Davey & Lisa. It is coming along so nicely. All perennials and herbs......not a 'manicured'

type garden......just things growing in profusion & color. Black-eyed susans coming on, as well

as coneflowers, dahlias, and dianthus right now. I saw a bluebird sitting on my clothesline today.

So pretty....they nest in the boxes back by the grapevines.

Lorri----Oh such mean mean people, to send you that rude message. I'm sorry.

Pam-----So nice for you to keep Andy's phone in effect by paying the bill. That way you can always

have his number and can text him anytime. We never got our son, Davey's, cell phone back after

the wreck that killed him. Texting was not in existence back then (2003). I did call his cell phone

# once after several years......got a voicemail for some company. I took over his computer after

he died, and did get some emails for him from other people out of town etc. I never got the nerve to

email them back, and then they dropped off shortly after that. They were most likely only casual

'internet accquaintances'. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Lorri, perhaps you should give us his number and we can alltext him and bombard him>>>OOOOPPPS! me being negative, sorry. I am so sorry that that happened Lor, wish that I could just let that guy know that he is a misguided fool, that all he really need to do is think for a minute, you don't need to lose someone close to just think for a minute and realize the pain that leads us to call or talk or text. JEEEZ!

Got back from Heart to Art Camp and I can honestly say that my time there feels so right, so perfectly right for me. I am grateful for this time to give time to this wonderful place. Today the kids were learning the ending to the song that they are learning. It is powerful and withthe song, there are dance movements that go along with it.

" This is why we tell our story, we tell our story, this is why we tell our story, we tell our story..." The song speaks about we tell our stories to remember, to relive, to love, to grieve, to let them know we will always love them. Powerful stuff indeed.

[shellyku]

Hello All Indigos - I have not posted in such a long time. I welcomed, sadly, a few new folks that

had posted under other threads: Pike who lost his wife of 5 months, and Dizzydancingway who

lost her mom 3 months ago. I read all the time but I feel that if I post regularly I wouldn't make

much sense because in my thoughts I don't make much sense! A quick reminder: my daughter

Sarah died last August 18, 2010 from leukemia at age 29. The "anniversaries" of different things

has begun: when she relapsed, when she was sent back to Penn for more chemo, the chemo

not working...etc. I can't imagine what the actual angelversary is going to be like. I'm getting anxious.

Dee, I would like to thank you for responding to me and jdandhope the other day. When I read

your words, as well as those of Suzanne and Carol and all the other Indigos, I don't feel as lost

as I do when I'm out in the world. I thank you all who post here, you are like a lighthouse to one

who feels lost at sea. May you all have a peaceful day. Shellyku

[lolynbo]

YES I HAVE SEVERAL PPL WANTING THE # BUT...I SENT THEM OR HER OR IT, (EVEN IF SHES THE MOM THEIR OF THE CHILD THAT JUST GOT THE #).....KOURTNEYS FULL NAME, WAY SHE PASSED, THE DATE SHE PASSED, AND THE INFO ON KOURTNEYS KLOSET....AND SAID "AS I SAID I WONT TEXT AGAIN, BUT IF YOUR GONNA CALL MY # DONT CALL ME # BLOCKED...I WILL ANSWER IF SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY"

ALSO WHILE IM ON A ROLL....I HAVE THIS "FRIEND"...HASNT SAID 2 WORDS TO ME ON FB OR BY PHONE TEXT ETC SINCE KOURTNEY DIED....BUT YET SHE TEXTS ME YEST WANTING INFO ON WHERE I GOT MY TUMMY TUCK....I DIDNT ANSWER HER...I JUST DONT HAVE PATIENCE (SP) FOR PPL LIKE HER ANYMORE.....

AM I BEING A DOO DOO HEAD?

[kmb22]

Edit

[shorty16]

hello indigos

I have not posted in a couple days, but wanted to let you know I am still here. Scott and I went to Washington Island off the tip of the Wisconsin Pennicula. We had a great time.

Scott and I also took today and tomorrow off of work. I find I have too much time to think - -think of what might have been..the planning for Brian's Birthday party, etc.

I do feel better this year than last. I just miss Brian. I miss everything about him. He just made me laugh.

Just wanted to post. I will read the rest of the posts now.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I miss our visits, too. My summer is jammed pack full of kids but you are welcome to call anytime if you don't mind the interruptions and don't take offense if I have to cut a call short. In the meantime please know you remain in my heart, thoughts and prayers (or meditation) always.

Tony - I'm so glad to see your post. I can't remember if it was you or CJ that was going to be living with your inlaws. How's that going?

Shelly - I think the time leading up to the event or anniversary is worse than the actual day. Stephanie's first birthday was worse than the first year. The next birthday (last April) was peaceful. Her second anniversary is coming up and I'm just not letting myself think about it much. I think I'm actually ready to spread her ashes. Something I swore I would never do. "They're mine and I'm keeping them with me forever!" I'm a talker and work things out verbally (or, in this case, electronically) so I wrote a lot about Stephanie during that first year. I certainly didn't have a positive attitude those first 18 months. I was angry at God and full of such deep sorrow I never thought I'd smile again. But, I did...smile again. In fact, I down right belly laugh these days. Who would have guessed? Hang on to us in whatever fashion is comfortable for you....post or don't...read or don't. Just know we are hear for you.

Lorri - You already know how I feel about the text so I won't say anything more about it. My first thought when you wrote about the friend and the tummy tuck was "You had a tummy tuck?" LOL Oh I am easily distracted. I agree with you about not answering her. I don't have time for that anymore either. You are not a poo poo head (is that what you asked?) You're a grieving mother with a tummy tuck. I checked into that. They said I would have to be smoke free for six months before they would operate AND they made me watch a video of the procedure. That did me in...no thank you very much. Now, I'm fat anyway and I just let it all hang and jiggle. Please don't ever stop being the spit fire you are. Know that your Kourtney is with you.

Sherry - How's the farming, gardening, canning? Is it that time yet?

Carol - How's Davis? If you said and I'm asking you to repeat yourself I apologize in advance. How are YOU?

Dee - I can't think of anyone better working with those children than you. A perfect match for sure.

Bonnie - How's the adoption process? Have you heard anything yet?

Lori - Just in case you're reading I want you to know I think of you often.

Crystal - Murder with a special weapon. Have you found out what that means?

Betsy - You heathen! I couldn't resist...LOL

Betty - Clenching your heart sounds so sad. Did I tell you Karen and I talked about jumping in our car and driving to New York just to hug you when I was in New Hampshire? Seriously. We would have just got a hug and left you to your business. The idea of your heart clenching in such pain makes me want to hug you more! You have the most pure heart I've ever come in contact with. I've always said to you that I love your heart. I do. How else could such a good heart react to such pain other than to clench itself. Hugs to you.

Beth - You are center in my thoughts. Are you doing okay?

Leah - Love and light to you my fellow grandma.

Kathy - I hope you are enjoying your time at the beach.

Trudi - Are you still at the beach?

Weird. All your names just turned from bold to regular except for Kathy and Trudi. I guess that means I'm through talking. Mariah just came up to me, twirled and said "You love me, Grandma!" Yep. I do.

Love you all...Sorry if I missed anyone. I so want you ALL to know how much I treasure each of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

((((((((Colleen)))))))))

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - wanted to stop in and say hello. Has been a busy summer so far with work, camping, beach and every day stuff. Tavian loves camp but took today and tomorrow off to go with his friend Will out in the boat to pull traps and nets, he loves it. Yesterday we spent the day on the ocean, drove on and stayed from 10 till 4, Tavian got out of the water once to eat half a hamburger and back in.....I think he is part fish....lol

Dee - I am so happy that you are getting so much out of the camp - I know that the children there are learning much from you. I would love to hear them sing the song. I signed Tavian up for Good Grief Camp.....they asked me alot of questions about him, when we were done she said "I believe from talking to you that this will be a great time for Tavian, he will see that he is "not different" and "not alone". I liked that she said that as the other day at the skate park a boy pointed at me and asked Tavian "is that your mom" and Tavian said "yes" and kept on walking.....I think he is "just tired" of explaining it !! Does that make sense ??

This is short I know but 5 am comes early and I am tired but know I will not sleep.....too much on my mind as always. Love, strength and Peace to all of you my dear friends, Kathy

Pics are of Tavian and his "new love, older woman, age 21, Whitney" - teaching to ride the waves.....too cute.

[heartbeataway]

Brenden,

Thank you, it was a great dream and I don’t have them often either. I wish you dreams .......

Colleen,

Tell me about the party you’re planning for Brian. I guess I missed it.

Susannah,

You are so funny ..... was it wiggle & jiggle? I know them well ...... unfortunately! We find out if we were chosen to move forward tomorrow. My heart tells me we will not be chosen ..... and that’s okay. The important thing is that these kiddos have a forever home.

Kathy,

There’s a Good Grief camp here like the one Tavian is going too. I think that’s a wonderful idea! You rock Mi Mi!!

[ericasmom]

Col, glad that you and Scott are united in your time off and using your time to be together and to honor the sad parts of your hearts. I wish you all a sense of Brian loud and clear tomorrow as you face his 20th birthday.

Happy Birthday Sweet Brian- always loved and forever the Wonderful Funny Son and Spectacular Brother and Friend to many-

Brian

BRIAN

BrIaN

[Guest msnher]

I will be away from the computer tomorrow so I want to make sure I say

BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN

I know you're a mover and shaker in the spirit world, my friend, but please take a few minutes to send your mom and family a SURE sign from you tomorrow.

Hugs to you, Colleen!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Kathy, the ocean is Tavian's playground. He is part fish it seems. How nice that he spends so many good long days there. I am happy to hear that the camp director asked useful questions to get a good handle on where Tavian is in his grief process. Many of the kids at this camp are return campers and two young ladies that are JC, Junior Counselors, are teenagers that once attended the camp when they were younger. They really get it.

Thanks Sus, I feel that there is the purest energy coming from the camp, all the adults and the children give off this wonderful aura, everyone there wants to be there. Even the young girl who was so obstinate and pushy one day, today you see that she has acclimated, found her place, sees that she is one of many kids who have an aching heart...so good. It is a place that for some, will be their saving grace. I am only there as an extra set of hands and eyes. Hopefully next year, I will play a bigger role.

Bonnie, I will pray and hope that whatever is best for all is what occurs. You are a wonder my Dear.

Carol? How are all the many kids and Ralph too?

\Betty, I agree with Sus, your heart clenching made my eyes tear. Your pretty heart hanging tight...I hope that you feel an ease slowly come into your days.

Karen, thanks for the well wishes for Jonathan. He is healing though it is not a fast process at all. Continued prayers are always loved. No worries about catching up with posts, sometimes the idea of reading back over days worth of posts is overwhelming. Why not just read the current page and go from there?

[ericasmom]

some of the lyrics from the song the kids are going to perform:

And she stands against the lightning and the thunder

And she shelters and protects us from above

And she fills us with the power and the wonder

Of her love

And this is why

We tell the story

Why we tell the story

Why we tell the story

Why we tell the story

If you listen very hard you hear her call us

To come share with her our laughter and our tears

And there's mysteries and miracles befall us

Through the years

We tell the story

We tell the story!

Life is why

We tell the story

Pain is why

We tell the story

Love is why

We tell the story

Grief is why

We tell the story

Hope is why

We tell the story

Faith is why

We tell the story

You are why

We tell the story

Why we tell the story

Why we tell the story

Why we tell the story

So I hope that you will tell this tale tomorrow

It will help your heart remember and relive

It will help you feel the anger and the sorrow

And forgive

[mikesmum]

YES I HAVE SEVERAL PPL WANTING THE # BUT...I SENT THEM OR HER OR IT, (EVEN IF SHES THE MOM THEIR OF THE CHILD THAT JUST GOT THE #).....KOURTNEYS FULL NAME, WAY SHE PASSED, THE DATE SHE PASSED, AND THE INFO ON KOURTNEYS KLOSET....AND SAID "AS I SAID I WONT TEXT AGAIN, BUT IF YOUR GONNA CALL MY # DONT CALL ME # BLOCKED...I WILL ANSWER IF SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY"

ALSO WHILE IM ON A ROLL....I HAVE THIS "FRIEND"...HASNT SAID 2 WORDS TO ME ON FB OR BY PHONE TEXT ETC SINCE KOURTNEY DIED....BUT YET SHE TEXTS ME YEST WANTING INFO ON WHERE I GOT MY TUMMY TUCK....I DIDNT ANSWER HER...I JUST DONT HAVE PATIENCE (SP) FOR PPL LIKE HER ANYMORE.....

AM I BEING A DOO DOO HEAD?

Darling Lorri - Never could see you as a DOO DOO Head you're far to cute. I remember ringing Mikes mobile. "You know the drill". His phone account went into the red his mobile company were referred to us for payment by Amanda. The phone continued to be used between the time he died when we were contacted for payment. Hearing the story they had no problem disconnecting the phone.

Dee - Love those words. Any chance of a Video?

Kathy - You know to Tavian you fulfill all those things a young boy needs from his mum. You know in your heart that you are the Mi-mi and for all time Jessica is his mum. But hey what a compliment Love his taste in women.

Colleen - Time spent with Scott around this time is time well spent. I am glad to hear you have found some us time. Thinking of you....(((HUGS)))

As for the beach, well this is the last days of school holidays so for the next 5 days I'm in the hills. We are off to the Melbourne Zoo tomorrow. Melissa is coming with me so all the grandies can enjoy the day. We have baby Elephants and new primates to see as well as a major upgrade to animal friendly surrounds. Should be a tiring but excellent day.

Peace Indigos

[mikesmomrs]

BRIAN...BRIAN...BRIAN, AND OF COURSE, BRAIN...

Surround your mom and dad, as well as your bother AJ and sis Michelle, with your sweet spirit today, remind them of your laughter, bring them to a sweet, heart-filling memory...

Colleen, Scott, AJ and Michelle...know that Brian is always with you...missing him is as natural as knowing that your heart is beating...keep his spirit with you, always.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: Have fun at the zoo...glad Melissa is going with all of you...enjoy! Wish I could say "Hey, wait up for me and Damon..." Oh, we would all have such joy together!

Kathy: thanks for sharing the wonderful pics of Tavian...the waves and the blueness of the water makes it look like you are in Hawaii...what beach are you at? So glad he is developing such a love for being outdoors and that he has such a wonderful place to go.

Diane: You are indeed, taking baby steps, and we are behind you, all the way.

Lorri: So sorry about the person on the other end of your text...hopefully they will never have reason to understand. As for your "friend," well...

Dee: So glad you are planning on going back to the camp program next year...any child you come in contact with will carry pieces of you with them always...they will be blessed by the encounter. The song is beautiful; wish I could be there to hear them perform it. I would surely need a huge pack of tissues, though, I'm sure.

Bonnie: Holding you and Rich close tomorrow as you await news.

Sus: As always, your wisdom is comforting and enlightening.

Karen: I hope you are surviving with this heat and humidity...nice to be summer, but dryer days would be nice.

Tony: I am so glad that your house has sold so quickly...in this market, it could have been just awful for you. When we sold our house, we were forced to eventually do a short sale and lost all of the money we had planned to use for this house. We have overcome it finally, but it was very difficult and lengthy. I would hate to have seen you have to go through all of that with all else you are dealing with. It is very hard to leave a place you had planned on living and loving for a long time, but please know that you will take the happy memories with you wherever you go, and eventually, they will comfort you and the "sting" of the remembering will be softened by the love you hold in your heart for your beautiful son. He will see to that.

Betty: I, too, weep for your "clenched heart." You have learned to allow it to beat despite your pain, Stephen is proud of you.

We are missing Damon this week, as he is in New York with his mom and other grandmother. Jamie may be over tomorrow and the next day, as he doesn't have any plans and we don't like to see him alone at the house. Maybe we will go for a swim and a movie. Kameron started summer school on Monday, much to his dismay, but hopefully he will see this as a second chance that one doesn't always get, and take advantage of it so that he doesn't have to repeat 7th grade. He slipped from honor roll to failing two subjects over this past semester, and has a lot of catching up to do. He's had a lot of turmoil at his house, and we think this is likely having an impact on his ability to stay focused...we are planning on encouraging him to do his homework at the library next school year. He can go by there on his way home. Lots of family dynamics going on and sometimes it is quite chaotic. Breaks your heart, sometimes...you just want to "fix" it all and make it good...oh, if only we could!

Some of you have asked about Davis...he is doing okay. Has had a setback but is working diligently to overcome it and seems to be achieving his goals. Thank you for asking and thank you for your prayers and thoughts and support. Ralph is scheduled for another MRI on Wed for his back...it seems they didn't "finish" the first one, only did the bottom part of his back, they needed views of all of it. As for me, I am having to have some medication re-adjusting, but nothing terribly difficult, just kind of like trying to put a puzzle together...eventually, the pieces will all fit together.

To all my indigo family...sending love and prayers and good thoughts to each of you...holding you each close, as always.

[mysonrich]

[kmb22]

Brian...Brian...Brian...Brian

Colleen, Scott, Michelle, and AJ....may Brian and his love and sweet memories surround you. My thoughts and love to you all. {{{{Hugs}}}}

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dear, I believe there will be a documentary so when I hear, you will know.

Love to all, have to go tutor.

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN

VISIT YOUR FAMILY TODAY WITH THE WARMTH OF YOUR LOVE

2_roses_and_heart_10_3kb_gif.bmp

[shorty16]

Brian

You would have been 20 years old today. I just shake my head in disbelief that my life has ended up this way - without you.

No tears yet, just sadness on what could have been. Feeling the heavy weight of this grief.

Happy Birthday Brian Jackson

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever

[dwsmithrn]

happy birthday brian....happy birthday brian....happy birthday brian...

make your presence known to your family today....send your love and a whisper their way today....

[lolynbo]

IT BREAKS MY HEART TO NO BRIAN WLD BE 20 TODAY...NEVER TO GET A CHANCE TO BE THE MAN HE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE, BUT MAYBE HIS BOYHOOD WAYS WLD HAVE SHAPED HIM INTO THE GREAT MAN HE ALREADY WAS.....HUGGGS COLLEEN AND SCOTT AND FAMILY

BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN.....HAVE A HECK OF A PARTY TODAY IN HEAVEN

[westleysmom]

BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN You are loved and missed every moment of every day.

[westleysmom]

Hey all I haven't posted lately but been trying to read your posts from the last couple of days to see how you all are doing. You are in my thoughts everyday.

This is a sad week for me, as it marks 5 years since my Daddy died on July 16, 2006. Every 4th of July since then marked the countdown to the anniversary of his death and I would get very down and stay that way for most of the month of July. This year, (and last) of course, that was overshadowed by Westley's death. Last night I was laying in bed and realized that it was the 11th of July, exactly 18 months since the last time I ever saw him alive. I can remember with details the hours from that time (and really the weekend before that) all the way up to that phone call on the morning of Wednesday January 13, 2010 from his friend that she couldn't wake him. We were supposed to have a board meeting where I work that day, but it had already been cancelled. But we are having one tomorrow and I dread it. I hope I can keep the "what I was doing 18 months ago right now" thoughts out of my mind long enough to get through it. I didn't point out the dates to my husband last night, but I know he saw my tears. He didn't say much, they are absolutely wiped out at the end of these days from working in the heat, and he was almost sick when I got in last night from getting so hot. I don't think he's as aware of the dates as I am, but I'm never sure. I don't want to add to his pain if he has not thought of it, since I know 18 months is not really an anniversary. So anyway, trying to stay busy and keep my head up.

[Brendan's Daddy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!!!!

Colleen

I am thinking of you and your family often today. I never met Brian, but I know what kind of person he must have been. You have inspired myself and many others on this site. I wish there was more I could do, but I want you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[mikesmum]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN

Colleen, will be thinking of you today as you and Scott spend sometime together no doubt remembering those early Brian days......((((((HUGS))))))

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,........BRIAN....DEAR BRIAN.

Colleen-----Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers today.....a sad day for you & your family. Yes....the thought

of "what might have been" always creeps in. Wishing you tender memories and peace, friend.

Shellyku----Good to see your post.

Karen----Also, good to see you posting. So very sorry about the 19 yr. old who was killed in an accident, and

the young woman killed by her ex. Such a loss, and tragedy. Prayers for the families.

Colleen----So nice that you and your husband had a nice little trip to Washington Island. It was a much-need

getaway.

Sus-----It's not canning time for me yet, although that is coming up in the wks. ahead......for beans, beets, and

tomatoes when they are ready. Hope Curtis is doing ok, and is on the mend.

Rhonda-----Oh, dear friend......I can hear the pain in your telling about the last time you saw Westley alive. I'm sorry.

That.........'last time' memory is particularly painful. Also, it is difficult for you at this time on the angelversary of

your dear Dad's passing. 18 mo. is so short of a time on this rough journey,.....really. The shock of losing West

has pretty much worn off, and then the doubly painful reality sets in. It's the reality that we will always have with us.

In time, it does get 'softer', but still the longing and yearning for our children is there. Sending prayers for you, friend.

Dee-----The Art Camp is so worthwhile and good for the kids. It sounds like something that you can contribute so

much to, with your kindness, and professional expertise. Did you lose your power yesterday after the bad storm in Chicago ?

I read about it in the paper today. We also got a rather short, but heavy wind storm yesterday. It knocked a limb off

the chestnut tree......not a huge one.....just short med. size one. Luckily it was not near the house, but opposite the

shed, so did not do any damage when it came down.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Zinnias with butterflies.....taken last summer in our front yard.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Brian! May your parents, sister and brother feel your presence today.

Colleen, thinking of you and your family today

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Sherry, look at your pretty photo...zinnias and swallowtails, how wonderful. I was just getting on the train yesterday when the storm hit with fury. I was scared, had heard that a big double decker train was halted earlier in the morning up north due to the wind. If the wind could damage or threaten those big trains, what would this el train be able to withstand? So the storm hit but I was dry sitting on the train, when our train pulled up to the next 6 stops, the wind was causing the rain to be sideways and the trees were bending, cars along the highway were halted as they could not see, and the people getting on the train, so grateful to get inside something, were soaked. Just soaked. By the time the train pulled into the subway, the storm was subsiding. I got off the train and walked about 6 blocks but just in rain and thunder, not that wind or hard rain, not in lightning. So having an umbrella was good and the day was good. The humidity was awful and actually, since yesterday afternoon, feel as though I am a bit under the weather. Headache, overly hot, cannot cool down internally, and a bit dizzy. Low energy as well. Took a nap and woke feeling a bit better, but going to bed vey soon as I am wiped out. Need to be up for tomorrow at the camp, my last day with them.

Rhonda, 18 months is nothing to sneeze at. To me it was an anniversary, just as it was a marker in ERi's life. It is one and a half, it is a mark of time. Tomorrow when you are at that meeting, I will hope that only good things fill your thoughts, but remember, we are only human. If you are sad, it is okay, nobody in their right mind would expect you to be otherwise. It is a lifetime ago and it is just yesterday. I promise that it will be softer in the future, but it is your future so there is no telling you when. We are all different.

I hope that the heat subsides and makes way for some just plain pretty days, with a breeze.

Colleen, I second what Tony said, you have been a strength and support for many here-your Brian must be very proud of his Mom.

ARGH! HOt Flashes from the devil himself, man I am boiling again. PHEW.

[jtrudeau]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 YOUR SWEET BRIAN!!! I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF U COLLEEN AND HOPE TO SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. I STILL DON'T HOW TO USE THIS SITE BUT I WILL FIGURE IT OUT EVENTUALLY. I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING SOO GOOD ALMOST TOOK TOO MANY PILLS THE OTHER NITE AND PRETTY SCARY IS I JUST DID NOT CARE I JUST WANT MY MIKE BACK BUT ANYWAY THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND GETTING THRU YOUR SONS BIRTH DAY.....HUGS TO U AND UR FAMILY.....

Brian

You would have been 20 years old today. I just shake my head in disbelief that my life has ended up this way - without you.

No tears yet, just sadness on what could have been. Feeling the heavy weight of this grief.

Happy Birthday Brian Jackson

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever

[Guest msnher]

First let me post my disclaimer...I'm high. I fell and broke/fractured a rib tonight and the lovely doctor gave me muscle relaxers AND percoset (sp?). My rib area now feels like a bruise and there is NO pain in my knees or hips. With my love for no pain I will have to exercise extreme caution and hold myself accountable having such a lovely little pill at my disposal.

I will try to catch up on posts tomorrow

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Oh Sus, please take good care of yourself, no lifting and no chasing after little ones for a while. What the heck happened? Poor you. Will your Hub stay close to take care of things until you are feeling good? How is Curtis healing?

Col, how are you feeling today?

[ericasmom]

I am getting ready for camp, need to be on the train in 30 min. It is a blissfully beautiful 68 degrees, love it

[hotrod]

Good Morning Dear Indigos

Dee What a gift you are to the children at that camp. I think the words of the song are so true and powerful As Trudi suggested, hope we can see a performance by the little group. . Giving the children permission to talk about their loss, feel their feelings and get to the warm memories in their heart is powerful. I do believe it took Stephen 10 years to come to terms with the loss of his father. He always kept his Dad's razor, wallet, comb, pen and tie clip on his dresser. When I visited I would see it and not say anything One visit He said to me "Look on the Dresser, I finally was able to put dad in the dresser drawer and he smiled." Loss at any age is hard.

Rhonda I am so sorry that this is a difficult month for you. How powerful is our loss Remembering the week leading up to the painful day , moment for moment, it does soften and the warm memories settle in . Please keep sharing here it helps.

Colleen I do hope you are gentle with yourself this week. I think BI honored Brian in a beautiful fashion. I am proud to be part of such a community.

Sus I am so sorry that you are hurt. A broken rib is extremely painful Please take it easy and maybe assign some simple tasks to the children They are so cute I am sure they will try . Laundry, dishes, dusting, making beds etc !!! You can then tell us the funny stories of how their jobs worked out.

When you can, rest and take a pill to ease the pain..

Sherry Lovely picture of our garden. When you mentioned canning, it reminded me of all the good veggies you canned last year and how I enjoyed hearing about it. I think Sonya also cans. One of the great things about living in the country. I can not believe it is almost that time again.

It is very hot here as well as it is all over the country. I tried to walk my usual 2 miles yesterday and even walking by the river was exhausting . I had to stop several times and finally returned home, showered and took an hour nap. Hope today is cooler.

Betsy Have you cooked that Eggplant and sipped that wine yet? Hope so!!!

Amy, Dianne, Tony, Trudi, Lori it was wonderful to see your Angels sweet faces today I hope all Indigos have a Blessed Day.

[westleysmom]

Dee, Betty, and Sherry Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. We have to leave for the meeting in a little bit and I am feeling teary this morning. I hope it goes quickly and we get back on the way home soon, its about an hour away from here. We went to the cemetery last night to see if the solar lights were still coming on or needed replacing and I had a meltdown. I think it helped to just let it all out, sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode from trying to keep it inside of me. The pain and anger and disappointment just boil over sometimes. My husband was with me and I told him that sometimes I just feel like I'm pretending to care about everything and do what everybody expects me to do, but inside I find nothing but sadness and despair. Keeping busy helps to ignore it, but it doesn't make it go away.

Susannah-I hope you are feeling better and the pills are doing their work.

I hope the weather gets a little cooler here and is nice wherever all of you are. You will be in my thoughts today and I get strength from knowing that I am not alone in this. I have some of the best friends that anyone could have, and weI've never even met. I don't know what I would do without you all to talk to.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Thank you for your well wishes concerning my ribs. Also thank you for asking about Curtis. He is on the mend. It is hard on him not being able to work. He's the boss so is running most of his business via phone with his dad and two other employees doing the labor. He's in landscaping. Here, in the west, we all have to water our lawns. Well, we have to plant lawns and then water them. He bought himself a remote control truck that runs on gas. He has to have one of the kids with him to pick it up for him or turn in over when it crashes (which they absolutely love to do) but basically that is about all he's allowed to do. Poor Cindy, now she has me to take of, too.

Gary had to go out of town on business today. He wanted to cancell but I didn't think that was necessary.

Yesterday was his birthday (forgive me if I'm repeating myself) and he wanted to go to dinner and a movie - just the two of us...a real date. Curtis and Cindy planned on keeping the kids overnight anyway, so that worked out good. Dinner was wonderful (ate too much at Outback). My boots have a slight heel on them and the soles of them were wet from the rain. As I turned to pull the seat down at the movie theater I lost my footing and fell, hitting my left side "just right" on the edge of the chair. Knocked the air right out of me...that's not a pretty sound. They gave me flexeril and percoset. The doc told me not to be shy about taking the muscle relaxer. It was the most expensive birthday Gary's ever had.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Susannah, sorry to hear of your injury and be gentle with yourself.

Betty, its been too hot and muggy to think about cooking,but I will tonight. I found the garlic in the jar I like. I've been eating fruits,yogurt, cold chicken. This heat just zaps my energy.

Dee , your cooler weather should arrive tomorrow. :-)

not much to say today.

Rhonda,Colleen,Sherry, (beautiful picture!) Amy( good to see Ashley's smile ), Karen,Trudi,Tony,Diane,Lorri...stay cool.

[briansdad]

Brian's little girl was in a salute to broadway production and she even had a verse in the song I enjoy being a girl and she was GOOD! Of course that's coming from a grandpa.I'll post a video when I get a chance.I can see Brian smiling. I know he would be so proud of her.

She is really having a tough time lately. Her mother, Brian's Ex has separated from her present boyfriend.She has a child with him and they have been together 8 years. Alyssa really liked him.She said it was like she has lost another Dad.

For the new people...hang in there it's gets better.Not great, but better. The word tolerable comes to mind.

Take care guys,

Greg

[nicksdad]

Colleen...sorry I'm late...

[jtrudeau]

Colleen...sorry I'm late...

This is beautiful how did you do that? I'm not so good with that kinda stuff but I would love that with my sons pik......jackie

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....i am here once again. i have been with my daughter helping her out with the new baby, and he is a little dollbaby. this is the first time in 5 1/2 months i can actually say that this little one has actually lifted my spirits somewhat. and that is all i can expect for now. i have my moments that i breakdown and let it all out, like early in the morning, before falling asleep, and then this am when i woke and couldn't go back to sleep 3am-4:30am....then woke early and couldn't go back to sleep. but although i find actual 'joy' in this new baby, i realize he doesn't bring back my nathan and i get saddened all over again. these emotions just clash and make my heart crash all over again. gosh, i wish this rollercoaster would level off some. it would help. it's a monster of a coaster, isn't it? i will keep on trying, though. it is hard to live this life of grief. i envy those of you who have found some peace. i hope to find it someday and learn to live through the grief.

i am worried about everyone out there. all of these 'injuries', illnesses, surgeries...what is going on....this is summer...you are supposed to be having some fun and enjoying things, not hurting yourselves.....take care of yourselves and as i have been told so many times, be gentle on yourselves....at least follow your own advice....!

take care and have a good night....

love, diane

[daveydow1]

Dee----Oh how scary.....being on the train when the storm hit. So glad that nothing bad happened.

those poor people getting soaked waiting for the train. So good that no one was hurt. Good luck

finishing up at the Art Camp. Such a nice thing for everyone.

Sus-----Sorry about your fall and broken rib. That is a painful fracture....(I guess I don't need to tell

you that ). Please take care of yourself, and rest.

Rhonda-----I so know what you mean about meltdowns. Although I know that it must have been

gut-wrenching for you, I think that it does do a lot of good to just let out all the pain & sorrow

that we find ourselves holding in so much of the time. We were at the cemetery the other day

to water the flowers, and I wanted to cry so much, but the tears would not come. I just felt drained

and tired. That happens sometimes. Sending prayers your way, friend.

Betsy-----It's cooler today----much more temperate, after a couple of hot days. I took the opportunity

to sand, scrub, and put the first coat of paint on our aluminum storm door. (It was getting old & ugly,

so I thought to give it a "facelift" of sorts........don't have the money to buy a new one now.) Will do

the second coat tomorrow......it's dark burgundy color.

Betty------Last night I was reading in my room, and had the windows open. The hoot owls were on a

roll.....hooting away for awhile. I love to hear them. Had a rather sleepless night......nothing big bothering

me, just one of those nights where sleep won't come too easily. I'll most likely make up for it tonight.

I just turn on the radio when I get one of those sleepless nights, and listen to a talk show or read.

No big deal.

Nick----Lovely birthday card you made for Brian.

PEACE AND GOOD DREAMS TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry