Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Lorri, it is funny, though I do not like Charlie Sheen, the WINNING thing is funny. You tell Kody boy that if he is racing tonight, to smile each time around, know that we are smiling at him from our hearts.

Cloudy out now, threat of storms action, but it was 70 and sunny and blue skied for most the day. Husband worked like a dirt digger in the yard, and I put in some time weeding but my back does not allow much. Thirty or forty minutes and then that is it.

Betty now you have no reason to apologize, my spring break was the last week of March. Now would be a better time and when I was a little girl inChicago, the last week of April was called Spring Clean Up Week, and we had our break.

[ericasmom]

CRystal, it is not a trivial story, I am crying along with you. I am so sorry. I wish your husband would not have seen them as such a threat but he did and you did what you thought you had to do. YOu were being careful. Many nests are not meant for trees, many are in places such as the canopy because they are not built solidly and it depends on the species as to what house they build. I am so sorry, ease your mind some though, you did not hurt them with intent. She will be sad but she will be driven to raise another brood as well. Soon too. Maybe you can hang a wren house on a low branch of a tree or attach it to a trunk, not too high. It may be wrens who like to build lower to the ground, or in nooks a crannies. Bless you Crystal, I will hope that your heart feels better soon.

[shorty16]

Crystal

Your story is not trivial. Brian was also an animal lover (learned that from me), especially birds.

The season for breeding has just begun. Like Dee said, she will build another nest and lay another clutch. Usually birds that nest in wierd places have more than one brood. Do you know what species of bird it is?

Be kind to yourself.

Love to you

Colleen

[shorty16]

Crystal

Check out Decorah Iowa Eagle cam. Live footage of a breeding pair of Eagles with 3 babies.

SO COOL.

You will love it.

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Colleen----Oh, I so know what you mean about Father's Day this year being so sad--especially falling on the

day that dear Brian died. Davey, died the day before Father's Day in 2003. He was on his way to the mall to

get fitted for his tux for his sister, Becky's wedding, and to buy his dad a Father's Day present......he never

forgot special occaisions. Hoping & praying that you & your family can find some measure of comfort when

the day comes around. Peace to you.

Sharon---You are not alone when you come to BI. We're all here to help everyone in any small way that we

are able. Sometimes, it just helps to have a good listener who can relate to how you are feeling.

Betty----I don't have any new quilt projects in mind for awhile.......at any rate....they would not be a full-size quilt.

I made each one of my kids a quilt....but never got to Davey's. So, if I make another quilt project,....it might be

a manageable- size wall hanging to put up on the wall somewhere. I want to devote some time, now, to my

artwork.....*(nothing great---I just 'dabble', but enjoy it a lot ).

Diane-----You needn't apologize for feeling the way you do about the g.f. I, so, know how you feel. We did not

meet that girl that was treating Dave so badly either. He talked to me about her, though, and I advised him to

break it off with her. He said that he was going to. However, his friend told me that the night before he died, Dave

was in a local club, and had asked the bartender if this girl had been in there. Your anger is entirely understandable.

Girls like the one Nathan was seeing, and the one David was seeing cause so much heartache with their selfish

and manipulative behaviour. They certainly are scaggy, and have no soul. To be fair, I do know that there are guys

who do the same type of things and hurt girls. Someday, they'll have to answer for these things. There are times

when I, too, hate my life and wish it would be over....even after nearly 8 yrs. But, I think that our dear children would

want us to continue on. Praying hard for you, friend, that you find a bit of peace.

Crystal...Tylersmom----Sorry that you find yourself in that dark place today. We all know what that is like. Hoping

that you will find some brighter days ahead . Keep coming here to this site. I would venture to say that there are

not many places where you can go where there are so many understanding people in one place. It has been a

lifeline for me and many others. Peace to you.

Tony----Sorry that you have had a sad day. So early on this road, it is easy to see how agonizing it is for you to be

without your sweet little boy, Brendan. Your dad, no doubt, misses Brendan also. Bless him for letting his sorrow

out too. Sending thoughts & prayers for some comfort for you & your family.

Dee----Thanks so much for your thoughts about our lives here on earth. I saw a very good program on PBS the other

night on Buddism. I didn't know anything about it, but felt a lot of positive connection in some of the teachings....especially

their connection with nature....animals, trees, flowers etc. It was narratied by Richard Gere. I had read that he has Buddism

as his belief now.

Crystal--Megsmom----It was nice that you went to the festival and had a nice time. Also,....it is so understandable that you

felt sadness too, that Meg was not there to enjoy it. These types of thoughts always come into our minds because we

miss our children terribly......no way to overstate it. Sorry about the bird nest and the babies dying. You tried your best to help.

Sometimes nature just doesn't let us help. As Dee said.....the mamma bird will no doubt do what nature intends for her to do--

go on to have another brood. Many birds have two brooding periods in one season. You did your best, Crystal.

Lorri----Hope the CF meeting goes well. Kody graduates.......YAY.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Ok My friends,

I am having a complete breakdown. Self-imposed. I choose to torture myself by looking at the facebook pages of the two boys involved in Brian's death. I see them happy and getting on with their lives while mine is falling apart.

I have taken 100 steps backward today. Aaron is going to be fitted for his tux tomorrow for Prom. Brian died 30 days after Prom. We have his picture in his tux on our mantel. How can Aaron be the same age as Brian? How can this happen?

I was talking forgiveness? All I want now is for the other passenger to hurt as much as I do. I know the driver feels terrible. But the other passenger caused us more pain then needed.

I am losing it. All is well until Spring and early Summer - when Brian died. Then my world comes tumbling down.

How can I take so many steps backward in this grief?

Then, Aaron tells me he wants to join the Army. That is all I need - one son dead, the other at war.

If I did not have this place to come and tell you-all how I feel, I do not know where I would be.

Thanks for being here.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Colleen

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. I wish there was something I could say to help you right now. The only thing I can do is thank you for being there for me the past month. You have helped me in more ways than you know by being here and helping me through this journey. I know I am very knew to this journey, but I want you to know that I want to be here for you as well. I know the anger and I know how it feels to see others living after they have caused so much pain and grief in our lives. I felt so strong yesterday like all of a sudden I was starting to get stronger only to fall off the edge of the cliff again today. Just from reading the posts you have made to me I know that even though you may have taken 100 steps backward today you will get those steps back because you are strong.

All I can do tonight is let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. Thanks for being there for me.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[Guest msnher]

Tight hugs to you, Colleen. Holding on tight.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen, we were just talking about how this thing can take us by surprise so easily, so quickly. Please give yourself the same grace you would give any of us.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - thought I would stop and say hello to all here. It was a beautiful sunny day today, alot done outside, pond almost finished !!! I read some posts and was thinking about those who were talking about having good days and bad days...Today was a good day for me but this is how I was on Thursday....I was sitting in my car at the skate park watching Tavian play and found myself grabbing th note pad I keep in the car and started to write, withour thought, just writing what I was feeling at the moment:

Dear Jess, I miss you so much - what a cliche !! "I miss you so much" - is that all there is - where are the words I really need to say, where are they ?? and even if I had them how do I know you hear me ? Are you listening or do you read my thoughts ? what abilities do you have now that you didn't have when you were here ? Do you sit next to me ? Do you give Tavian feather kisses at night, so lightly that he doesn't "really" feel them but knows you did ?? Are you angry that you are not here with Tavian or are you happy and carefree like I want to believe you are ?? Do you wish I could see you , feel you, so these thoughts would stop running through my head ? OH YEAH, it's been just over 5 years so I am not supposed to be even thinking about you so much am I ? I am suppose to be "over it" and living life like you never existed like everyone tells me - well just TOO DAMN BAD because as I sit here in my car watching Tavian playing here at the skate park the only real thing I know is that you are gone and I am here and I need you, love you, and I will never stop grieving for what should have been -- for what was and never will be again.....

Thinking of all of you each day and praying for you.....Peace, Strength and love...Kathy

[shorty16]

My dear friends,

Tears fall as I read the support I am getting from my virtual friends here.

Sometimes the reality of our situation is too much.

I do have some good news!!?!?!?!

We have a cardinal nest in our tree by our front door. Cardinals are my favorite birds. Almost every morning I hear dueling cardinals - Singing back and forth to each other. It sounds so beautiful, but what they are actually saying is "Stay away from my nest, crazy lady!!!"

I need to be strong tomorrow when I take AJ to get fitted for his tux. I cannot let this grief ruin a potential good memory.

What would I do without you-all here. I do realize I will bounce back - faster then in the beginning, but slower than in the future.

I will smile again and I will try my hardest to make tomorrow a good memory for my surviving son.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal Rogerson]

goodnight Indigos.

My heart is with all of you as I have been reading.

Kathy- so wise of you to write "blind". as that is when everything just comes flowing. Used to do that myself, by my mind is numb most of the time so not much flows thru. Sending you extra hugs.

Collen- so happy for your cardinal family. I know the tux fitting will be hard. but know that your baby will be there with your rooting on his brother. Hope you are able to make a memerable time out of it and that the pain will subside long enough to get thru it.

I'm thinking of you all but too tired to write.

Hope your dreams are sweet and your rest is peaceful.

love&light

crystal-Meg's mom

[ericasmom]

thinking of you all as well, and also too tired to write. Was out with teachers at a fund raising event.

Sleep now, discuss tomorrow.

[charsng1234]

wanted to just stop by give a update on this night made it went to see some fight with my husband did not watch to much talked to my friend and came home.. This was the first saturday that I did something I dressed up and went out.. But now I am home and the pain is back... time for a sleeping pill night all.. sharon shanes mom forever!!

[hotrod]

Hi indigos

I too am tired tonight Just wanted to stop by and say good evening and say:

Sharon so glad you did get dressed up and went out It does not matter where but that you made the effort and tried. I appreciate your courage.

Colleen I agree this grief journey certainly does catch us by surprise In a moment we can be back close to the pit. For me, the most important difference from the beginning of this journey is that I know what steps to take to move a few inches forward our of the dark.

Sherry I certainly am impressed with your creative talents You must share your art work here as well.

Sus I hear you and truly understand!! I have been there

Dee Hope you catch up on your rest. You give so much to everyone.

Today I made the effort to move forward. I attached a picture next to the billboard of the last opera of the season that I attended. I refused to think about next Friday which is Stephen's 4 th Angel day and then Saturday which would have been my 50 th wedding anniversary and then Sunday another Mother's day that I cannot celebrate. Today I tried to stay in the music , in the sun and appreciate the new moments and the sweet old memories that came to mind.

I know next week will be difficult. I also know where I can go to be supported and understood.

Have a peaceful evening Indigos

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I am glad to see some of you finding your smile even if it lasts for just a short moment. Please don't let the dark times scare you. It will get brighter. You will see clearer. In many ways you will "see" much clearer than you did before your child died.

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning friends: not much tiime, so will be back later. We are getting ready for church.

Betty: "I know next week will be difficult. I also know where I can go to be supported and understood." I am so very sorry that you have all of those painful memories, and I pray that you will be able to move some of them out of your memory to allow all of the beautiful ones that you have to help you through those heartbreaking anniversaries. You are right, sweet lady, you know where to go to be supported and understood...we are happy to be here for you. Sending love to a lovely woman...thanks for the picture...you look beautiful as usual...so glad that you have the opera as a place to be that fills your heart with sweet music.

Colleen: Holding you close dear friend and we are all with you as you and AJ go for his tux...Brian will be there, too, holding you close, as well.

Sharon: Yes, it is great that you got dressed and made the attempt...that is the first step...good for you! I know it doesn't necessarily feel good when it winds up that you end up in tears, but you will see that those tears are healing water. Sending love and strength.

got to go...hubby is counting off the minutes.

love to all...later...

[ericasmom]

Col, I know the anxiety that leads us at times, it is not at all easy when the dates adn events that are so ingrained in our broken parts...my hope to you.

Betty, I love the photo, so very pretty of you and your dear friend so dapper. I use the same message above to you too, those events where we find ourselves feeling so alone because nobody is able to know exactly how it feels, but as you said, you know it is here that you can come and be fully understood and loved.

Have a beauty day

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigos, I've been hiding from the dark cloud of doom and gloom these past couple of weeks. Very tearful. A holiday, Easter, not what they used to be.

Yesterday I was headed to Wal-Mart and found myself 60 miles to the east at a seaside beach, aptly named Seaside. I placed my beach towel on the sand, dipped my toes in the water, (cold,cold,cold) and gazed at the horizon. Since no one was in earshot I spoke out loud to Rich. I almost yelled, I miss you Rich. At that time a memory came to me from another time,another place,another beach. A flock of seagulls chasing Rich, they wanted his FF's, he was 19. It was a funny site to see and as I sat on the beach yesterday I told Rich that I would remmeberthat memory this day. And a couple other funny’s.

Betty, love the picture,love the hat and the tie! Its great! Re-memories. I guess we hang on to those.Colleen, difficult month ahead for you and Scott. I'm so sorry for the day,the date. I hope that you and AJ have a fun time with the tux fitting, as hard as it is.

Sherry, I spotted the violets from your quilt in a license plate today. The violets are just starting to show themselves here. I always gather some.

Susannah, for Stephanie.

[aim630]

It's been a busy weekend-so although I've tried to keep up to date reading everything, I can't remember everything I wanted to respond to.

Betty-I know next weekend will be tough for you, but I'm glad you decided to enjoy the sun and the here and now this weekend. You will forever be Stephen's mom even though he is not here to celebrate the day with you. I'll be thinking of you next weekend.

Colleen-You're going to have a tough month or 2 also. I hope the tux fitting went well. Katie went to her senior prom last night (with friends) and she said it was ok, but she would have much rather went to an Indians game. I will try to post a picture later, not too good at the posting thing either.

Sherry-Your quilt was beautiful, and a lot of hard work! I have a quilt that is mostly finished, just don't feel like working on it right now. Maybe after Katie goes to college. I'll have a lot of free time.

Betsy-I'm sorry you've had a hard time the last couple of weeks. I hope going to the beach and the re-memories of Rich will comfort you a little bit.

Susannah-I hope you were able to feel Stephanie's presence and that you were able to let the balloons off with the kids. Mariah is funny wanting to share her money with you for her mom's balloons.

Ashley was always able to make fans out of her teachers, principals, coaches, bosses...it used to be such a joke because she always knew how to get on their good side. Well, Ashley, Katie & I were always big fans of the Cleveland Indians who are usually pretty bad, and were expected to be bad again this year. It's only one month into the season, but they are doing very well so far. Ashley's best friend sent me a message saying she thought Ashley had something to do with the Indians doing so well this year. I was laughing about it & telling Katie, and said with all the bazillions of people in Heaven, like God would really listen to Ashley about the Indians...then we thought well, maybe...lol. I am just kidding of course, but I was even able to make my husband smile with that one, and he usually will not even mention Ashley's name without getting depressed.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Amy-----I know just what you mean about not working on your quilt. I would put mine aside sometimes, and not

go back to working on it for weeks.....months. thanks for your kind words. You mentioned that you, Ashley, and

Katie were Cleveland Indians fans. David also was a very loyal Indians fan, and he & his dad would go to the

home games sometimes. Even when they were bad......he stuck with them. I have a photo from the newspaper

of a bunch of kids about 10--12 years old getting autographs from one of the players.....Dave was in the pic.

Betsy----Your trip to the Seaside beach, and the memory of Rich running to get away from the determined and

hungry seagulls that wanted his french fries was a lovely memory. As I always say.....these memories are

our treasure chest to draw from any time we want to......wonderful memories of our beloved children. I just

love violets too. My husband dug some up from the outlying part of the yard and transplanted them into Davey

& Lisas's garden, which is coming along nicely. This is our second spring here, so the garden will be nice

when all the flowers bloom.....peonies, brown-eyed Susans, iris, etc.

Betty----What a lovely pic of you & your friend. Thanks for posting it. Oh, I only 'dabble' in artwork/painting. I took

lessons years ago. Just love to get working with the colors......I love colors.

Dee, Betty, Colleen--------This evening before dark, my husband & I took a walk back to the woods. When we came

back, there were two birds eating seed from the ground at the feeders. We did not immediately identify them. We

checked the bird chart, and found that they were Rose-breasted Grosbeaks. They are not usually seen in this

area anymore, according to a bird expert from the Ohio Valley.....they used to be more common in this area, but

the assumption of the experts is that people in the northern border areas towards Canada are doing much more

feeding of birds, so the birds don't come down as far to the south anymore. They are beautiful, striking birds.

Black backs....white stripes/spots on wings, rose red 'bib' area on neck, and short, wide beak. We were excited

to see them. They were not at the feeders when all the other birds.....doves, cowbirds etc. were there.

Sharon----I'm so glad to hear that you dressed and went out for the evening. I , so, know what you mean about feeling

sad when you got back home. That sad letdown feeling.....so much a part of this rough road. Just be kind to yourself,

and take the baby steps when they come along. Peace to you, friend.

Colleen---So sorry that you are going through this roller coaster ride at this time of year....proms etc. I sympathize. So

nice that you have the cardinal nest. They are wonderful birds, and I , too, always hear them. Our dear kids have ways

of letting us know they are ok, and I believe birds play a big part. So understandable that you would feel upset/angry

and all sorts of other emotions when viewing the Facebook pages of the other boys, and how they are happy and going

on about their lives. You couldn't help but have a rush of feelings. I know what you mean about it being self-imposed.

We sometimes can't help looking at things, or thinking of things that we know in advance will make us feel sad, but

when it comes to anything to do about a beloved departed child,......we seem to be drawn to do it. I, so understand, friend.

WISHING A GOOD NIGHT AND PEACEFUL SLEEP TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[heartbeataway]

I really don't have any words ...... just dropping by.

Hard to believe four years have gone by now ...... not as many folks remembered. The ones who did have no idea how much it means to us.

And now, here comes Mothers Day ...... if I could remove April from the calendar, I would!

I'm attaching a picture that one of Jay's best friends sent me on his memorial date .....

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I figured you were keeping a low profile and so it is nice to see you back. I think that after so long a winter and some good weather finally, the seasonal change hits us and we can't help but count the seasons since we last saw our children. With all the news too, it has been difficult to feel energetic, what with politics as they are, economy scares me witless, adn the tornadoes causing so much heartache, it makes our job of trying to live in the light a bit harder still. And yet here we are, living as best we can in the light of our Babies. I hope that the days ahead offer you sunlight and bike rides.

Sherry, rose grossbeaks are beautiful. I have them in my BIRDS OF NORTH AMERICA book and have seen one once. Today a bright yellow finch sat in our yard, waiting his turn for the bird bath. The robins splash and dirty the water so...the sparrows sit 5 around the rim talking and sometimes I think I could sit for hours and just enjoy the conversation. I am glad that you were able to feast your eyes and spirit on such a fine bird.

Bonnie, so good to see you too today. I love the photo that Jason's friend took and gave you. Yes, the remembering is really something for our hearts. As we approach 8 years, I do get a bit nervous at the thought of less folks remembering. I hope that you are well and that the spring is gentle for you. I know that April is a hard one for you, so perhaps May will be lovely.

Amy, hope that the Indians show everyone that Ashley is helping out from her post in heaven.

[Guest msnher]

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Sus Yes I am so very pleased that he has been destroyed. I worked in the World Trade Center on 9-11 and lost 5 co workers on that day. I never thought I would see this and I salute this Country for their determination!!!Do not want to be political here but I feel very strongly about this. USA USA USA USA

Dear Bonnie So grand to see Jason's handsome face and to read your words Thanks for stopping in. The memorial posting to Jason;s site was beautiful.

Dear Sherry The citing of these birds- Rose-breasted Grosbeaks sounds so fantastic Black backs.... rose red 'bib' area on neck.. So beautiful. I also love that Lisa's and Davey's garden is growing with a variety of sweet flowers. I look forward to seeing a picture when it is in bloom.

Dear Betsy So glad that you drove to the beach today and that you were able to talk out loud to Rich. I smiled that after you yelled how much you missed Rich, he responded by reminding you of the wonderful funny memory of the sea gulls and his french fries!!! I do find that is how Stephen contacts me. He reminds me of a re memory that touched my spirit.

Colleen Thinking of you. I do love that you have a Cardinal nest to watch They are beautiful birds I do enjoy watching the Eagles nest web site every day. Such natural beauty. They are so nurturing and caring to their young!!

Carol and Dee Thank you for you beautiful words of understanding and support for my difficult week

Amy I am sure Ashley would be able to convince God to honor her requests She sounds like quite a wonderful young lady

Sleep well

[ericasmom]

just got up, really osama bin laden dead?

Praise that his evil can be stopped.

[Guest msnher]

Betty - I had no idea you worked in the Trade Centers. I'm so glad you were able to get out and I'm so sorry for your friends who didn't.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I am so glad for the celebrations on the street, for the relief felt by so many of you who witnessed and/or lost friends and family on that fateful day. The day our life in the US changed completely; to orange and red alerts and worry, to taking off shoes to get in a line to board a plane, to suspicion of innocent folks just trying to get somewhere, to all that that EVIL PIG caused to so many. Good that he is gone and hope for sme peae to ensue. Hope that his belief system can fall apart somehow. I know that that is naive, but really I hope that without his strength and ability to lead, that nobody picks up where he left off. I am joyous and weary and leary all at once.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. This sure seems like a tough time of year for all of us. Easter along with Mother's day approaching seems like too much to bear. I am already dreading next weekend. I am so worried about my wife and how she will handle such a tough day. I guess every day is tough, but some just seem cruel.

I had a pretty decent weekend. Played in a softball tournament again. I was very strong on Friday, not so much on Saturday and up and down on Sunday. We played in Slinger, which is the park that Brendan was always at with me. I sat back and watched all the kids his age playing baseball on the small field. I pictured him running around that park all day with his friends. I listened for his sweet voice in our dugout, but couldn't hear him. I thought about him all weekend, but was still able to smile and laugh a couple times. That was my goal for this weekend. Brendan was not with me the way I wanted, but I know he was there watching. I am hoping I made him proud of his daddy. This journey is so hard. Monday comes and it feels like I am starting all over again. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. I can't believe my son is not coming back to us. I miss my little man so much. How could this happen? Daddy loves you Brendan. Forever and always.

[bus1851]

I am alone today for the first time since our sweet Marley was taken from us almost two months ago. My wife has her first day back at work and my two kids have school and I don't go back for 2 more weeks. She had used up most of her sick days for Marleys birth so did not have any left but she wanted to get back into working so she could keep busy. I have lots of sick /vacation time available but I am nervous because I will be alone on weekdays and don't know how to act. This morning I read through all the condolence cards for the first time and spent an hour or so crying after wards but then felt some relief. Plan on doing some yard work and then go for my weekly meeting with my grief therapist. Before the accident I enjoyed being at home alone watching TV, doing odd and end things around the house then going to the golf course. Now I sit around re-running everything in my mind wondering if this is real or just a bad dream and planning to do things that I either don't do or start to do then quit. I still can not wrap mind my around the reality that my baby is no longer with me and every time I look at her picture I relive the horror of it all over again. My therapist told me there is a cognitive and emotional thought process that my mind will go through before it will accept the finality of my loss. This is some sort of protective mechanism my brain uses to prevent total breakdown. The time frame for this process to happen is different for different individuals, I hope mine starts to speed up so I can get to living life. Daddy loves you so much Marley and I miss you more every day.

[lolynbo]

SAD TO REJOICE AT NEWS OF SOMEONES DEATH...BUT.....THE FAMILIES OF 9/11 HAVE A SMIDGE OF PEACE ...

WELL TOLD KIMMY ABOU THE CRUISE FOR KODY AND I THINK SHE IS HURT...BUT ITS SO HARD TO INCLUDE HER IN OUTTINGS WITH THE WAY SHE TRAVELS...LAST CRUISE COST ME 500 TO CHANGE HER NAME TO MY SISTERS...CUZ SHE WAS UNABLE TO GO....SO IM A LIL DOWN....I HAVENT TOLD KODY AND BROOKE YET I WILL NEXT WEEK...

I SEE WE SADLY HAVE NEW PPL HERE PRAYERS FOR YAL....AND MANY MANY HUGGGS

[charsng1234]

Morning all, i am home today feeling under the weather a bit. I also know what it feels like to start all over every Monday I do ok than go back to hurting again. I also had to be alone after shane passed aay I was scared I would cry all day.. I did but made it.. I hope all here can make it through this monday.. shanes mom sharon.

[ericasmom]

Two new Dads, Tony and Marley's Dad, walking this road side by side will be helpful to each other and to those that come after you...your two babies are hanging out together, one showing the other around, like sister and brother now. They are with you. Tony, maybe a day celebrating all the greatness of Michelle's mothering...make her breakfast, give her time to be alone if she needs, go for a walk or to the cemetery and let her know that she will always be Brendan adn Jackson's Momma.

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

It has been awhile since I last dropped bye and read a post… I have been busy with this new relationship. The man I’m dating keeps me so busy I don’t have time to sit and replay the events leading up to Ashlee’s death like I did before over and over again. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have high anxiety sleepless nights, rage of anger and a longing to hold my baby girl. Tomorrow will be 8 months since she was tragically taken from me and I can feel the great sadness creeping over me.

I see new parents entering this site weekly and it breaks my heart. I think of all of you daily and pray you see some lightness into your darkness…

xxoox

[ModKonnie]

Hello all,

It has been awhile since I last dropped bye and read a post… I have been busy with this new relationship. The man I’m dating keeps me so busy I don’t have time to sit and replay the events leading up to Ashlee’s death like I did before over and over again. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have high anxiety sleepless nights, rage of anger and a longing to hold my baby girl. Tomorrow will be 8 months since she was tragically taken from me and I can feel the great sadness creeping over me.

I see new parents entering this site weekly and it breaks my heart. I think of all of you daily and pray you see some lightness into your darkness…

xxoox

Crystal, It's good to hear that you are finding some measure of happiness as you move forward.

ModKonnie

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

Welcome to all the newcomers, hate that you need to be here. I'm way behind again...just got back from a nice 3-day trip to a B&B. Very relaxing. Andy's headstone and footstone are in and I wanted to share them with you. More later after I have a chance to catch up. I miss my beautiful boy. Dreading Mother's Day, as I'm sure everyone here is. Wishing you all peace of mind and heart.

With love,

Pam

[ModKonnie]

Hi Indigos

Sus Yes I am so very pleased that he has been destroyed. I worked in the World Trade Center on 9-11 and lost 5 co workers on that day. I never thought I would see this and I salute this Country for their determination!!!Do not want to be political here but I feel very strongly about this. USA USA USA USA

Dear Bonnie So grand to see Jason's handsome face and to read your words Thanks for stopping in. The memorial posting to Jason;s site was beautiful.

Dear Sherry The citing of these birds- Rose-breasted Grosbeaks sounds so fantastic Black backs.... rose red 'bib' area on neck.. So beautiful. I also love that Lisa's and Davey's garden is growing with a variety of sweet flowers. I look forward to seeing a picture when it is in bloom.

Dear Betsy So glad that you drove to the beach today and that you were able to talk out loud to Rich. I smiled that after you yelled how much you missed Rich, he responded by reminding you of the wonderful funny memory of the sea gulls and his french fries!!! I do find that is how Stephen contacts me. He reminds me of a re memory that touched my spirit.

Colleen Thinking of you. I do love that you have a Cardinal nest to watch They are beautiful birds I do enjoy watching the Eagles nest web site every day. Such natural beauty. They are so nurturing and caring to their young!!

Carol and Dee Thank you for you beautiful words of understanding and support for my difficult week

Amy I am sure Ashley would be able to convince God to honor her requests She sounds like quite a wonderful young lady

Sleep well

Betty,

I am glad for all the people lost on 911 and for survivors of the terrible Trade Center bombing that a measure of justice has been served. For those of us who lived in other parts of the country, we will also never forget the day that the world appeared to be ending. It changed all of us.

ModKonnie

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. Well it has been a very down day for me today. I should have known that I would not stay and feel the way that I felt on Friday night. I am missing my Brendan so badly right now that I just want to give up. I am so tired of fighting my way into feeling better only to come crashing back down like this again. This afternoon we loaded up Brendan's little four wheeler. He loved this thing. It was a 50 CC four wheeler that he drove around our backyard. I had the throttle set so it could not go very fast, but he loved it anyway. I can still see him driving it all over the yard. He would ask every day to ride that thing. My dad and I loaded it into the back of his truck and took it to a friends house today. With us moving we just don't have the space for it and I know Brendan would want somebody else to enjoy it. It broke my heart to start that up and listen to it run. My father, wife and I all broke into tears immediately. I am a basket case today. I still can't believe my little boy is not coming home to us. I feel like I took a few steps forward this weekend only to take even more steps backward today. I hate this new life. I want my son back!! I need my son back!!

Marley's dad

I wish I could be more of a help for you. I am sure being alone was very difficult today. I have been home alone a few times and it was very difficult. I found myself doing pretty much the same thing that you did. Read condolence cards and thought about my boy. I even looked at pictures and watched some home movies. I did all those things and just cried my eyes out. I think every first will be tough for all of us. First holidays, first time being alone etc. I am just not sure when things get easier. I am tired and sad and I miss my son. I hope being alone today was not too tough today.

Dee

You are always so positive and uplifting and I appreciate that so much. You are right. Brendan and Marley are in Heaven together and we will all see each other there one day. I am trying to plan something special for Michele for Mother's Day. I don't want to do to much, just a little something so she knows how loved and appreciated she is.

Colleen

Thank you so much for sending us that precious gift. It actually looks like Brendan! It meant so much to both Michele and I that you would think of us and send that to us. Jackson looked at it and smiled. It is sitting in our living room next to our TV. Thank you so much.

Pam

I think Andy's headstone looks fantastic.

I am sorry I am back to being a downer. So much on my mind. Financial issues, moving and trying to get through the day without my Brendan. I just wish we could invent a time machine so all of us could go back in time and change what happened. I would give anything to have my Brendan back with us right now. I hate that he is gone and I wonder what I could have done differently. Maybe if I never would have bought that little four wheeler he would not have wanted to ride on our neighbors snowmobile? Maybe me letting him do those things at a young age is why he is not with us anymore. I feel like I let my little boy down. How do I ever live with that?

[mysonrich]

Betty and Indigo's...Never Forget. Betty, this site is a stones throw from me.The website may be too difficult for you to view. I did pass by one day but was on my way to someplace else. I think I'll go for a visit this weekend. It looks beautiful. It made me cry .again. Everyone that can, have a visit .

http://www.9-11memor...n.org/index.asp

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I went to the site and it looks beautiful. If I ever get up that way, I'd love to see it in person. I'm sorry you've been in the black hole, but glad you found a smile remembering Rich and the seagulls. We took the kids to South Padre one time and the gulls were dive bombing them and they didn't want to get out of the car. That kind of bird is unnerving if you're not used to them.

Betty-Loved your pic of the trip to the opera. I'm sorry too that this weekend will be so hard for you. All of those together seems too much to bear I'm sure. And I am so sorry to hear that you lost friends at 9/11 but glad that you made it out. I'll be thinking of you this week and weekend.

Tony-I blame myself for a lot too and feel guilty for events that I didn't have any control over and would have died if that would have stopped them from happening. It's one of the hardest things to quit doing, and I can't tell you how because I haven't been able to do it myself. I know it doesn't change anything to take on the blame for what happened to Westley. Just remember that you did have a couple, okay maybe only one decent day. And you'll have another. They may be few and far between for a while yet, but they'll come in time. My first mother's day without Westley was horrible and I expect this one to be only slightly better. I have the last couple of cards he gave me for Mother's Day and I decided last year to only read them on that day and not all the time. He was almost grown and had started buying "grown up" Mother's Day cards that were sentimental, and they made me cry when he first gave them to me, and moreso now than then. My birthday is the next Sunday, so May is going to pretty much be a cry-fest for me. One step forward seems like pretty slow going when we take so many back, but its a little something anyway. Hugs

Marley's Dad-Time alone is not like it used to be, is it? I hope that you are able to rest and cry alone if that is what it takes to get through the days. Peace to you.

Pam-The head and footstone are lovely. Somebody told me that about Westley's headstone and I told him I would chew it to the ground with my teeth if that would mean we didn't need it anymore. I think he wasn't sure how to take that, but you know what I mean. Its the most beautiful piece of granite that I have ever picked out and ordered and paid a great deal of money for that I hate. 3 days at a B&B sounds very nice, I'm glad you had a good time.

We're still getting rain and crossing our fingers that the river doesn't flood. Two of Westley's friends came by Friday night with their girls and one of the babies (the other couple had a babysitter) and we all cooked out along with my daughter's family. It was good to see them and get to talk to them and visit. While they were here, my granddaughter saw them looking at Westley's car, which is still in the driveway, won't start. She had asked me about it last week. When she saw them looking at it, she said "It won't start" because I'd told her that last week. She said if we put new money in it, it would start (I think she was thinking about the toy cars at Wal Mart or something) I laughed and she said "It's Westley's car" and I said yeah, but he's not coming back for it. And she said "Why not?" and I said he can't, he doesn't need it. And she looked at me real close and said "Are you still sad?" And I said, yes, I am. She watched me for a long time, I think to see if I was crying, but I didn't, so she grinned at me really big like that was good. So when they left and I didn't have to convince her anymore, I got to cry. I went to the dark part of the carport and cried my eyes out. I miss him so.

Bonnie-I'm glad to see Jason's happy face and hope you're doing okay.

[aim630]

Katie's prom picture

[aim630]

I'll try again

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Betsy Thank you so much for access to that site It was remarkable and truly touched my spirit I am sure a visit in person would be spectacular and so very emotional I took my American Flag and went down to the WTC site today I joined all the other folks waving flags and shouting USA USA USA It felt great.

Rhonda Thank you for your kind support I do hope the floods hold off and I truly understand hiding the tears from family The missing is so deep and hurts!!

Amy Katie's Prom Dress is spectacular The color so breathtaking as is your daughter Absolutely beautiful. Thanks

Pam Andy's memorial bench and stone are so filled with love and dignity The skittles and the angel so special.

Dee Thinking of you

Tony,CJ and Sharon Remember to take it so easy, rest, take small steps and keep coming here . In our thoughts.

Dee, &Sherry, I do hope you are enjoying the beautiful evening and the garden and birds that visit you.

Carol I wish I had my camera with me today I saw so many hearts in such unexpected places I thought of you each time.

Sleep Well Indigos

[ericasmom]

Pam, love that you have a head and foot stone. It is really pretty, adn I love that you or one of Andy's friends left him skittles. Eri loved them too. We have a flat stone, pinkish granite, and were not able to have a standing stone at the cemetery unless we were able to purchase 5 more spaces and pay for them at the time. REALLY? What a really stupid thing to say to two folks trying to find a place to lay their 19 year old Girl for all of time, a sales pitch. Anyhow, while it is going on 8 years, that still pisses me off like crazy.

Tony, the gentle way you want to celebrate Mom Day is perfect and I will guess that Michelle will be touched by it.

Betsy, the site you posted is gorgeous. I loved looking at it and will perhaps share it with my students. While they are only in 3rd grade, they came in all a flutter about Bin Laden adn the facts they have are pretty accurate. They were mere newborns when Bin Laden ordered the attacks, but this young generation are marred by the many horrid acts that led their early years. They were happy, reflecting their parents reaction and glad that someone evil would be killed for his acts.

Betty, I know that this day must have brought a torrent of emotion for all that was lost and all that was salvaged from that very saddest day for our country. I know that your heart must be revisiting those friends and the twist of fate that kept you from the scene. I do hope that you also feel some sense of calm in your spirit for the culprit to be gone. Holding your hand as you walk the now happy streets of your neighborhood.

Amy, what a pretty girl your Daughter is. Her gown is gorgeous too, but she would make a burlap sack look pretty. What great skin she has, pretty eyes. Thanks for sharing.

Rhonda, I know that look your grandgirl gave you, my great niece Nayeli Erica gives me that one too. She watches when we talk about Eri to see if I will be crying. Already a guardian in many ways, learning how to nurture.

[ericasmom]

Oh Betty, we posted at the same time and I am delighted to know that you were among the happy impromtu celebrations at Ground Zero. I am picturing you with your flag and your happy sparkling eyes.

sleep well Dear.

[crystalann]

Hello,

Well its the four month mark and I have spent it so far at the ER.My youngest son has been sick for over a week.He woke up at 1:30 his throat was so swllen he couldnt swallow.He was crying and at 17 you know its bad.It was so hard there I couldnt stop crying.My poor boy kept asking me if I was ok.Kept telling me he was sorry I had to take him.I love him.Gonna try to get some sleep now.

Love,Crystal

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends

Well, I am coming back from the pit. Scott took Aaron to get his Tux. I did not want to cry the entire time and AJ did not seem to matter.

Tony,

You are very welcome. Like I said, on my first Mother's day without Brian, someone sent me a small gift. I just wanted to Pass-It-Forward.

Marley's Dad - Hang on my friend. This process is the most difficult thing we will ever go through as parents. We are here to tell you that you can survive this. You can move forward. Be kind to yourself.

My daughter still cries evertime she talks about Brian. I see that Brian's death has molded her life. We support her all we can, but the demons inside her tell her that she is to blame for this. She heard Mike drive past the house that night and said "That stupid kid is going to kill somebody." and what happens - Brian dies. Michelle feels she jinxed it - By her saying that she somehow caused the accident. When she told me this, I said "Michelle, you caused the accident as much as I did, as much as Dad did and as much as Aaron did." Do you think I caused the accident? No, she said. Then why would you?

I know that logic plays no role when our kids die - especially in the beginning. But this is the first time Michelle has told me this.

Today will be a better day and tomorrow Aaron plays Rugby. What a crazy game to watch.

Hello to my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

I had a dream last night that it was just a normal day with the kids going to school and Marley getting a diaper change and bottle before going to the sitter. It seemed so real and I did not want to wake up. I just kept telling her I loved her over and over and holding her so tight then the dream ended and I woke up and wanted to cry but a peace quickly came over me and fell back asleep.It felt very strange because I knew I was dreaming and I knew Marley was gone but the dream let me acknowledge her and express my love and affection to her, I have never had a dream that I had so much control of. I don't know if this was just a random dream or a sign from my little angel that she is OK and her way of comforting me. I hope I have more dreams like this soon because at that moment I really felt like she was still here with us and I was happy. Now I feel sad because I want her back even more. Daddy loves you Marley and I miss you so much.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal Tyler's mom - How's your son's throat? Nothing serious, I hope. You are a good mom! Taking him to the ER was a big step. As painful as it was, just doing it was huge. Rest today.

Amy - Katie looked beautiful for prom! Love the dress!

Baby steps, parents, baby steps. It might seem like we take a few steps backward every now and then, but we never really do, we are always moving forward. The steps backward are an illusion, they are really part of the grieving process continually taking us forward. When we hit a painful, dark slump we have not failed or done anything wrong, we have just hit another storm along the way. We have to do what we have to do when the storm hits to survive and then when the storm recedes we can press onward again...until the next storm.

Don't be afraid of the storms. Don't be afraid of the slumps. Don't be afraid of the dark days. They will pass. They will come again, but they will always pass again. With each passing we grow a little bit stronger. At times the storm is so harsh we think we haven't grown at all, but that's not true, it's just a stronger storm.

Love to each of you! Special hugs to you, Karen!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Marley's daddy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I would love to know more about her. I would love to know more about your family. Only when you're ready of course.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom