Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Trudie Thanks for following up with your inner voice and checking on our Dear carol and Ralph. I love that the hearts are on the Nurse's uniform tonight and I know that Carol has her faith with her. I hold her up in my thoughts and prayers as well. I hope your studies and Sir Mutley are well

Yesterday on Stephen's birthday I was reminders of Carol when I too saw hearts on the ground, a penny with the year 1966, a person who walked by and smiled just like Stephen. I had a Church Service in his honor and it was beautiful It felt good to hear his name honored from the alter

Crystal I am so glad that you took the time to redo Tyler's album in the Gallery He is so handsome and Loved the picture of Mother's Day 09. T hanks for sharing him with us I know it was hard to do

Betsy I am so glad that yu are feeling better and that the BP meds are working I agree it is so important to take care of ourselves in even the smallest possible matter it makes a difference. Trying to rest, get sun, have a little joy, exercise It all makes a huge difference.

Dee Stay well and take care of yourself Thanks again for all your support and your Good Night messages

Sherry I found my little hurt paw today affter nearly a week She was so hungry Hope your creatures are holding up.

Colleen I agree with Dee you are uplifting in sharing your spirit. Thanks

Sus Thanks for your wisdom and humor

Rhonda, Karen, Sharon, Kathy, Crystal, Lynn, Lorrie and all Indigo Stay well

[ericasmom]

Betty, how wonderful that you had a service in Stephen's honor. What beauty must have wrapped around you.

Sherry, are you all well, I heard there was some serious flooding in Ohio though I am unsure if it was near you.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigos,

Prayers for Carol and also Ralph....enough already for the 2 of you....hearts all over the place, beautiful....sending love and hugs.

Colleen - I loved watching Coraline but it scared Tavian !! He watched most of it but ended up having to change the channel as he was just about hiding under his blanket. Not sure what it was about it as he wouldn't say - just said "it is scaring me mi-mi"....

A beautiful day here, seems to be a rare thing this winter, so it was great to get outside and do something without freezing. Started clean-up in the yard and Barry started putting in the fence that will surround the patio. Tavian wanted to go to the skate park so I took him and his new friend Will, he lives just across the street and just 2 months apart in age.....nice boy and they got along great. They spent 2 hours there as I watched them have fun.....I had told Barry that I really just wanted to stay home and keep working in the yard but then the thought came to me "I will never have this moment with Tavian again so go with it" - it is so true, each moment we spend with our child/grandchild is a moment that will never come again so take it while you can get it....

Missing you bad today my Jessica......sure wish you were right here, right now hugging me......love you always....mom

[ericasmom]

Kathy, so true, the times we have are the goodies we savor later on in life. Both you and Tav will savor the days spent doing fun things.

I am heading to bed, and wishing everyone sweet as can be dreams, deep sleep and a pretty morning to wake to.

PS Col, i did see some plants pushing through the ground the other day while on a walk, don't know what will happen with the snow on them now. But midwest plants are generally pretty darn hardy.

Love-

dee

[ericasmom]

Morning all, while cold adndamp and gray, the sparrows sang up a storm at 6:30 AM insisting I listen, and joyful sound kept me entertained. I dozed off and on and finally got up, heading down for a cup of coffee. Hope everyone slept well. I know sleeping is a very tenuous endeavor when grief is new, and sometimes too, when grief is a piece of you after many years.

Good morning.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my fellow indigos

Trudi - Thanks for keeping us informed on Carols health. Really appreciate it.

Dee - I feel that my family and I have moved forward in our grief. There are many things I have to work through, but with the help of you and everyone else here, we are seeing progress. It does take work.

For many months, I would wake up in the morning and say "THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE. LET US BE GLAD AND REJOICE IN IT" Even though I was (sometimes still am) in terrible pain, I really tried to let in the light.

Each of us has to do what we need to do. This grief does not go away, we never "Finish" this jouney until the last breath we take. Therefore, we need to us the days we have to try to live.

I miss Brian more than I can say. My anger with the driver is waining a bit, but I still am thrown into the pit of anger when I sit and think about the whole thing.

Thinking of all our angels.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good Morning Indigo's;

Courage seems to be the word of the day for me. Finding the courage within to live today. I have a full day ahead of me and I will take it minute by minute. I am quite discouraged with my weight. I weighed 111 when Stephanie died. I now weigh 140. Part of the problem is the anti depressants. I was told I would gain 20 to 30 lbs. But, the main problem is I am not active at all. And, all I eat are carbohydrates. Being a chubby dub doesn't bother me...but, none of my clothes fit! I dread the idea of going clothes shopping.

When Stephanie died it wasn't courage that kept me going. I kept waking up each morning and by force of habit got up and carried on. As the weight of my grief settled I was pushed down by the sheer power of sorrow. Every day I was pushed a little bit further into the black hole of despair and emptiness. Soon I was so far down it was easier to stay there than to try to climb back out. Now my black hole has become my habit. If I allow myself to stay where I am I will continue to grow in fear and bitterness.

Well, that's my pep talk to myself this morning to help me get out the door. If I can find something to wear.

Love to you all!

Susannah/stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Boy Col, I know the work you did and will do for all of time to live your best life, me too. It is effort, it takes a mind set that helps push you forth on those days that feel like you are wading in muck.

Sus, as Stacy and Clinton from WHAT NOT TO WEAR, (a favorite show of mine), dress for the body you have today, not the one you hope to have one day or the one that you had. So in taking their advice I bought longer shirts that do not cling as that is my spot, my stomach, that never used to be a problem. But at almost 55, I don't think I am going to get the body I used to have. I have gained weight in menopause, I am 5'8" though, so my height helps me in many ways, but the old body is not what it used to be, it is what it is now. I have always eaten in a healthy way and I have always exercised but still I have cut carbs in half, and I still exercise daily, yet the body changes, that is what age does. I would suggest exercising as it does make you feel better emotionally and you will be more fit which adds to your life in innumerable ways. i see folks my age that never exercise adn see the trouble they have with mobility and energy levels,, both of which are helped by regular exercise. As far as clothes though Sus, I would go out to Kohls if you have one there, and look for things that you like that fit this body, this Woman, and take heart in who it is smiling back at you in the mirror.

love,

dee

[braydensmom]

I don't even know where to start. I feel so bad for being away sooooo long. I have so much going on lately with work, school, kids, and have even taken on the position as the Relay for Life Event Chair for my town. I know I shouldn't make excuses but there was just no way I could keep up with it all. I just wanted to let everyone know that I still think of each one of you everyday. I try to keep in touch with those of you on facebook and talk with Lorri a lot since we live in the same town. I thought I would post a current picture of Ashton. He is growing up so fast. He is 15 months old now and walking all over the place. Unfortunately he has outgrown his onsie from Colleen but I still have it and will cherish it forever. And Kathy he sleeps with the blanket you made every night. I miss talking to you all. Just know that you will always be considered family and you are always in my thoughts. You all have touched a place in my heart and I could never thank you enough!!

Amanda Wittner

[mikesmum]

Looking at the pics from Zak's birthday yesterday I found myself smiling. Smiling at the energy and growing of my grandies, not crying for Micheal being gone.

I am coming to understand that moving forward or the easing of the ache doesn't equate to forgetting.

The sun is shining here, 30C, the summer we thought was non existent seems to have just shifted days.

Muttley walked, books open, mind blank.....Whose idea was this anyway....

Thoughts still with Carol & Ralph.

[ericasmom]

Amanda, don't apologize, we are so glad to see the boys shining out from the post you sent. How lovely to know that you are well, and keeping up here should not be anything that makes you feel guilty. Your life has taken on whole new responsibilities adn wonders adn I am so glad for you living fully in them. This place was a stop on your journey and all of us that know you will always root for you. Blessings and thanks for showing us the beauty of the boys.

Trudi, lovely photos of the kids at the party. As I said to you earlier, the moving forward knowing now, trusting in the knowledge that you will not forget, the kids will not forget Micheal. Lovely Micheal. I sit with sunlight poring in and casting shadows that are art in themselves and I thank God for you and all that come here to work through the ball of grief and to continue our friendships.

Finding our Steps

Gathered under Angels smiles

for all the space and all the miles

that separate us each from the other,

from sons and Dads and Sister and Brother

we grieve and scream and sleep with tears

until we see our path made of years-

and we walk in the sunlight made anew

thinking of the glorious wonders of you.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Trudi I copied your profound statement that touched my mind and heart by expressing exactly what I am beginning to feel about Stephen

Looking at the pics from Zak's birthday yesterday I found myself smiling. Smiling at the energy and growing of my grandies, not crying for Micheal being gone.

I am coming to understand that moving forward or the easing of the ache doesn't equate to forgettingThanks Trudie Glad that Sir Mutley is still taking his walk

Sus I hear you about weight gain-- I stopped smoking and gained 15 pounds. Was 118 at Stephen's service and am now 135. I am watching my weight, not eating any starch, sweets etc, increased my exercise and still the weight remains. Dr said "SO What" !!!!you stopped smoking that is the most important NOT in MY mind!!!

Dee I have changed my style as well My weight is also in my middle section so that baggy shirts, and tops really work fine Covers a multitude of issues. Just want everything back to "The Way It Was".

Dee and Colleen I too decided to make a sincere effort to have positive thoughts and actions each day . I am not sure when I made that decision but many time the action was simply to get up, get dressed, shop for groceries, walk in the sun. As I did this and each week added to the list, I did start to feel better. I still must make a sincere effort to build my day and know that if I let up, I will be right back in the black hole I climbed out of.

A friend brought over pictures of a trip we took together 20 years ago She wanted to look at it together-- She said "You looked SO VERY Happy" I thought it would help--- I wanted to choke her but spoke kindly and said I cannot look at the past where I "Was Happy" it is too painful. I remember those days and That was then- Stephen was alive, I was happy and this is now. We changed the subject So it is obvious it is not only my weight that has changed since I lost Stephen

Loved the picture of Brayden Lovely

Betsy, Sherry and Dee Your talk about plants reminded me that when Stephen was small he use to run home every spring and report the first sighting of "Plants Peeping Their Little Heads UP" Nice memory

Prayers for Carol and Ralph

Diane, Karen, Rhonda, Crystal1, and Crystal 2,Sharen, Leah, Lorrie and all Indigos In my thoughts

Kathy I agree enjoy the fun times with Tavian the memories do sustain you

[Guest msnher]

How nice to see a post from you, Amanda! You were still pregnant when I joined BI. Little Ashton is growing in leaps and bounds.

Love the birthday pictures, Trudi. What a handsome boy Zak is! Love the eager, expectant expressions on those little faces as they watch the candles burn on the cake.

You inspired me today (as you have on many others) Colleen. I decided to venture out and actually try to work my way into life today.

We don't have a Kohls, Dee. But, I believe you are right. It is time to dress the body I have. There will certainly be a lot of room in my closet after I get rid of all the clothes that don't fit. I'm not quite 5'2" so every extra pound shows big time. It's not like my life is over but it certainly is taking on a new era. I love the poem. Perfectly describes us. Did you just write it today?

Carrie, Crystal (Ashlee's mom) , Crystal (Tyler's mom), Diane, Sharon, Rhonda, Karen, Betty, Betsy, Lynn, Terri and all Indigo's....you remain in my prayers and meditation always.

Carol - Special prayers for you and your family!!!!!

Love you all. susannah/stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Hi all: The hospital gave me a laptop to use, so I am just poppingon to say hello and thank you, thank you all, for your prayers, and concernsand good thoughts. Trudi, thanks for posting for me and letting everyone know why I wasn't here. You are all the best, so very much so!!

Got really sick on Wed morning, wee hours...wound up in ER...given meds, tests done, sent home. next day, no better...cld my doctor..she cldn't see me, so told me to go back to the ER. More meds, more tests, (by this time, my head was about to explode with pain from all the vomiting). They even did a CT scan of my head, but thankfully, everything was clear...I didn't want to know if there was a brain left in there, so didn't ask... Sent home. Didn't sleep. Next a.m. call my dr, she wants me to see her PA but can't see me til 5:30. Try to nap, must have, because I wake up. but feeling my heart doing a rumba in my chest.. When I get Ralph's oximeter (oxygen and heart rate reader), it is going from 65 to 150 and everywhere in between and back again. Go to PA. Get EKG from her; told I am in "afib." I have been diagnosed with afib for a while, butnever actually had a treated episode since the diagnosis. She sends me back to the ER (actually said that she couldn'tbelieve they ever sent me home, even without the heart arrythmia). They run more tests...finally admit me....BUT, they have no bed. Have to spend the night in "Holding" in the ER, hooked up to 2 IV machines, heart stuff, blood draws seemingly every hour, etc., etc. They bring me a bed, much better than the gurney! Everyone is very nice, but oh, God, just get me out of here! At 3:15 PM, (yes, the next afternoon), they bring me to a room, in my bed. Heart still in afib. Slowed down though to 75 - 100, with spurts to 135. Cardio comes. Talks about meds, etc., will see me tomorrow. More tests. Settle down for night. Finally fall asleep at 6:00 AM, wake at 7:00 AM. More meds through the IV, have stopped with the vomiting, but the "other" keeps on trucking! Options discussed. Scariest one was "electro-shocking" my heart back into rhythm. Hmmm....that wasn't exactly something I had in mind doc, doesn't sound too pleasant. Soooooo, we hold off a little longer. Can't remember exactly, but was on the phone talking to a wonderful woman from down under (thanks, Trud), and the nurse comes in to tell me I am no longer in "afib." No "shock" needed. YAY! Clear the way for the bathroom, though! Doc will see me next day, today. Discussions. More discussions. They think it might be the messing up of my electrolytes that caused the afib to kick in...then they take my history...3 risk factors for risk for stroke from afib...so, meds are discussed, researched, and supposed to start tomorrow. Need to stay here two more days for observation of their effect. blood draws and an Echocardiogram tomorrow. I am exhausted! Ralph is exhausted. I AM, however, feeling somewhat better...ate supper tonight.

Worn out now, so will sign off with another thank you so very, very much, you all are just the very BEST! Will try to catch up some when I can. This laptop is VERY oldand VERY hard to use.

Amanda: boys are beautiful...thanks for checking in and sharing them with us. Trudi...thanks again, my dear friend. BETTY: So sorry to miss your beautiful Stephen's birthday, but I did wish him from my heart a beautiful day...also remembered all of our new parents in my prayers, taht they will continue to share thememories of their beautiful children with us, and that they will find strength to honor their children by doing something each day, even if it is only getting out of bed. Thinking of all of you.

I guess my life will be changing drastically, yet again...but my nurse's heart-covered smock reassures me that I will survive this change, too, and meld this change with all of the other changes and "new normals" I have been given the strength to move forward through, given the gift of you wonderful friends to help my find my way, to pick me up when I fall, and to allow me to help pick you up when you falter, as well...that is an honor I am always grateful for.

My friend Rita's third angelversary was Wed...I asked Ralph to send her son, Eric, an email...he emailed back with his thanks and appreciation for remembering, and for my "saying her name." I am so glad I did, and I know that I never will not.

sending love and strength and peace to all...

good night all...

[westleysmom]

Dee-Loved the poem. You always seem to capture what is going on and do it so beautifully. Cold here today too when I went to visit the cemetery and my boy. Someone had left a big bouquet of white silk roses. They were really pretty, I am so glad they still think of him. But it was cold and sad feeling while I was there. I cried for a long time, hot bitter tears of regret. I know it does no good, but I can't seem to stop myself when I get there.

Carol-Sending you love and wishes for a speedy recovery. A-fib is what my Mama has and its pretty scary when its happening to her. She has had it for 10 years or so off an on, she took something for several years, but its one of those meds that has so many side effects, they don't want you to stay on it for very long.

Trudi-Glad you are having real summer now. The cake looked good, is that what you were baking? Thanks for finding out about Carol for us, you are a dear friend.

Betty-The church service for Stephen sounds very nice. I hope that his birthday was not too draining for you. Hugs to you.

Susannah-I will never see 118 again, it is hard getting old! I haven't been watching my diet lately or exercising either. I'm not a big shopper either, I hope you have some luck finding cute things to wear.

Amanda-What beautiful pictures of your babies. Some days I don't feel like posting, but just knowing that there is a place where we can come when we need to makes living in the real world easier somehow than I think it would be without this place. I am so happy for you that you are doing so well. Peace to you.

Just wanted to touch base with all my dear friends. I can't imagine not knowing you all. I wish you didn't have a reason to be here and that I didn't either. At the cemetery there is a stone that I noticed had three names on it, so I went to read it. All three names were children than lived short lives. Brothers and sisters, one lived a day, one 4 years, one 5 or 6, I can't remember. They were born and died in the mid 30s, early 40s. Life has always been hard, hasn't it? I can't imagine losing three little ones, and yet the parent's stone was right beside the one for the little ones. It looked like they had one child who outlived them, but all the rest did not. Sometimes I think God didn't care about me, or Westley to let him die. I struggle with that every day, that He didn't care enough about me to let my child live a full and long life. That I wasn't a good enough Mom to get to keep my boy. I'll never understand it, but I hope someday to feel again that I'm good, that God does still love me and didn't take him because I wasn't good enough. I hope.

[lolynbo]

CAROL PRAYERS FOR YAL...HUGGGS TO EVERYONE....I GOT NOTHIN....

[aim630]

Carol-Glad to hear from you and that you are feeling a little better. Hope the doctors figure out something with your medications and that you'll be able to get home soon.I was worried, and glad that Trudi could fill us in a little bit.

Betty & Susannah-I weighed about 110 when I got married 20 years ago. Not even close to that now, I would be HAPPY to weigh 135 or 140. Of course, I know that if I just exercised & ate less, I would weigh less, but lately I don't even feel like trying.I had been losing weight & working out regularly when Ashley got sick, and just haven't got back to it. I hope when it gets a little warmer, I'll get inspired to get outside and walk, and quit making excuses!

Had a breakdown today, mainly due to trying to go through Ashley's stuff. I can't keep it all, although I'd like to, we just don't have room. My husband complained that I'm just not the same, and I told him I never would be. He told me I was wallowing in my grief. It's only been a year!

Rhonda-I told Jeff I thought I had done something to make God mad at me. He asked if all the other people who had lost kids were bad people and deserved to have their kids die. Of course, knowing all of you, I know that's not true.

Well, have an early morning & long day tomorrow, as we drive to OU so Katie can attend a few classes.

Thinking of you all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Electric shock!? My goodness but that sounds serious. And your attitude! Do you ever just say ENOUGH ALREADY? Never a cross word. Bless you, bless you, bless you! I hope your electrolytes are getting back to normal now.

Lorri - special hugs and prayers for you....

Amy - I'm so sorry your husband said that to you. It's been 3 days shy of 19 months for me and I still haven't gone through Stephanie's things. I try but haven't been able to pull it off, yet. I have to as soon as the weather allows because we have to clean out the garage. We can't even walk in there now. Blessings to you, my friend!

Rhonda - My heart breaks for you to hear you think God didn't think you were good enough to leave your son. How I wish I could hug that thought away, but we both know (we all know) that's not possible. It sounds so hypocritical to proclaim the love of our Creator when we are in so much pain. I couldn't care less that God loved me when Stephanie died. I wanted my daughter back and I hated him for taking her. I have since worked through that hatred and once again welcome the love of the almighty into my life. My wish for you is that Westley send you a sign. Something to let you know he is still with you. Yes, a hug from God would be nice...but, what we all really want is a hug from our child.

I told Gary I had some bad news for him. I told him I had decided to be fat and happy which means I'm going shopping for new clothes! He just laughed and hugged me. He kind of likes the added weight in certain places....the girls aren't so flat these days. LOL It's another change in defining myself. I want comfort now. I am now at that time in life when I have to put into practice what I've said all my life....."it's what's inside that matters."

I love all of you from the most sacred part of my heart. I want to be careful not to speak too quickly, but tonight I feel like healing has begun. It might be that spring is just around the corner, too. It is snowing outside as I type. It's a wet snow which means spring is in the air. We will have more snow before the weather finally changes.

Last year I dreaded spring and then summer because Stephanie died in the summer. I allowed my flower garden to turn to weeds. Maybe I'm ready to plant a tree or a shrub or something in Stephanie's honor. My sister wanted me to plant a tree the week after Steph died and there was no way I could do it then. Trees, flowers, shrubs denote life. I didn't want life around me. I wanted things around me that represented the death I felt. I won't commit, yet, but right now I'm ready to feel life.

Well, I bid you all goodnight. I pray you rest. I pray you peace. If only for a moment, I pray you feel your angel's presence.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Carol, my dear friend, thank those nurses for helping you reach us tonight, what a treat. I can't get over Trudi being the messenger, isn't she a joy? I am so glad that youfelt like eating dinner, and you sound rather fiesty in your Carol tone, so this is another great sign. Keep getting better Dear One, we all love and miss you/ and have no doubt that you will indeed meld this change into your life and make it work.

Sus, I loved wearing t-shirts tucked in for years, but in the last two years, no tuck ins at all. Sad to see the body shape I was used to, had all my life, go away but finally, I quit tucking in and purchased different cuts of shirts and blouses. I weighed 118 at my prom in 1974 and at 5'8" that was thin, after gaining 45 with Jonathan and losing it rather quickly in 1981, there was always more tummy than I'd ever known. Sit ups galore and all sorts of exercise but...another baby, a second c-section, and I gained nearly 60 pounds with ERz. I weighed about 135 or 140 in my 30's and 40's, but toward the end of my 40's(47) Eri died, menopause started about 3 years later, still in it, and it was then that the bigger changes occurred in weight and shape. So it is longer cotton blouses and looser cut shirts that are my daily wear now. It makes a difference because I feel more comfortable and less self-conscious which goes a long way to standing tall in your boots and feeling your best.

How nice that you got out today and were inspired by Colleen. I did write that poem right then at the moment, I just reread it however and fixed a part, thanks for the compliment.

AMy, although I am not happy with your husband's assessment of you "wallowing" I am patting him on the back for reversing what you feel and asking you if that is what you think happened with our Children too. I was going to ask Rhonda to reverse her thinking and apply it to all of us...Rhonda, Amy, you are not failures, we are not failures to have lost our Children, to not have been able to save them, and not failing in God's eyes, nor has God looked the other way because you are not worth his/her thoughts...None of us perfect for usre, but none of us are failures at parenting either. We are a group of people who have shared the most sad event that a parent could ever experience, and each of our losses were random accidents and illnesses that happen all over the world every day. Sadly.

I went to the cemetery today too Rhonda, just for a few moments, it was cold. I had left ERi's little christmas tree there, surprisingly, I usually have that out of the ground a week after Christmas, but the ground was frozen around it last time and so today it came home. I peeled a layer of frozen leaves off of her stone, revealing the pink cast to the granite, her name peaking out, her numbers. I always go say hi to a boy with an elaborate upright stone and bronze angel nearby, his birthday is two days after Eri, he died in Iraq, his name is Shawn Christopher. He would be turning 27 on April 6th, two days after ERi's birthday. Babies. He reached his 20th birthday, Eri did not.

Amy, it has only been a year, and no, you will not be that same woman, he is going to need to read up on the affects of loss on a parent or go to therapy in order to honor your grief rather than expect it to go away. Grief lasts forever, it changes, and softens, but it is always...like the love you have for your Children.

[mikesmum]

My husband complained that I'm just not the same, and I told him I never would be. He told me I was wallowing in my grief. It's only been a year!

Amy - He's put a tag on the unexplainable. There is no instruction mannual with a timeframe on this thing called grief. Some try to reason it away with DUMBASS.

I remember a very young (about 23yr old) telling me that I was 'hiding behind Mike's death' and that is why I didn't go back to work. I wasn't hiding behind it, I couldn't get away from it. Everyday I woke up the loss of Mike was right there, every night I tried to sleep the same thing.

One year is but a blink. Take your own time to go through Ashleys things. It really isn't something like a check list that needs to be attended to.

Carol - Welcome back. Shocking that they wanted to zap you...sorry had to be said.

Dee and all those with the 'OMG' is that the body I have now. I weighed in at 224lb when I married in 1974. I dropped to 126 thu to 1978 when I peaked at around 230lbs. Now I am stuck on 184lbs. Working on it, but don't really place being a size 0 as my priority...

Nite all

[charsng1234]

Morning , Dee,carol,Amy, Rhonda,Lorri,Amy,Amanda, Betty, Trudi, & susannah I hope I got everyone. Today it's back to work so scared to go to work. I do not want to talk to people ask them how are they doing cause I really don't care. It has been 7 weeks Shane has been gone.. I hate my life now!I don't care about what I look like or who looks at me. I Miss him so much I hear some of you talking saying it's been a year and its still hurts so much. I have only 7 weeks I don't know if I can make it 1 year!!I I feel so angry in my heart I asked GOD to please give him back.. I know it is not going to happen but I can't stop myself.. I don't understand why this happens to good people. I love my kids they are my life! I See parents that could give a crap about there kids and nothing happens to them. It is almost like I am being punished for loving my children to much! I am sorry so down this morning I am not doing so good. I hope everyone else here is doing good thanks for letting me talk.. Shanes mom..... Sharon.

[crystalann]

Sharon, I am sorry. I am at 9 weeks today and I think the pain gets worse everyday. How do I make it.I cant believe he was shot much less never coming back. this will be another long day without Tyler.It hurts knowing I am getting further away from the last time I saw and talked to him. This is all just to much!!!!!

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Sharon - Where do you work - what do you do? I would hate to have to put on a happy face for customers. I don't think I could pull it off. I would be the woman waiting on them trying to choke out "Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart and have a nice day" as the tears streamed down my cheeks. I so wish you didn't have to work.

Trudi - You crack me up. Yes, there are definitely more important things than our weight. I absolutely agree. My problem is whether I was going to walk around in jammies, hoping I would lose the weight to fit back into my clothes or go shopping.

[shorty16]

My husband complained that I'm just not the same, and I told him I never would be. He told me I was wallowing in my grief. It's only been a year!

Amy, several weeks after Brian was killed, Scott and I had a meeting with our pastor and she asked how things were going? I responded “I cannot go one minute without crying and Scott does not cry at all – seems like he is not hurting as much as I?” That is when she explained and I learned that men and women grieve very differently. So different, in fact, that one may perceive the other is “wallowing” in their grief or even “does not care as much”. We change after we lose a child – never to be the same. Sending you love while you go through Ashley’s things.

Sharon (Shane’s Mom),– Good luck at work today. Remember, you have already accomplished your day’s tasks by getting up, leaving the house, and taking part in life – anything else today is a bonus. This will be hard. Do not expect too much from yourself these first couple months back to work– Energy is at a premium and needs to be conserved. Do not be upset if you need to take a nap when you get home from work – naps are not a waste of time for us. Remember, one breath a time sometimes and that is OK for now.

Sus – Did you say you weigh 118? WOW, I will never see that either. We are having fun with the tread mill, I just put on the TV and walk. I have ran a bit, but my knees keep screaming at me to stop!! Thinking of you my friend.

Rhonda – So nice to see Westley’s handsome face. You are right, life has always been difficult. Losing a child was more common back then and women did not grieve openly or have support groups – Like us - my Grandma would tell me stories. Never the less, losing a child and suffering in silence can not be very easy. You are over the hump with Westley’s birth and angel dates – That does make a difference with me on what time of the year it is. Sure hope you can get out and enjoy the day today – run between the raindrops – tell me how that works for ya!!.

Trudi, my friend – What a great job you did keep us posted on our fellow Indigo’s status. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the response you had for Amy’s husband’s remark. How can anyone hide behind this grief. It is IN-OUR-FACES every second, minute, hour – well you get the picture. I do so love the jokes and things you send me via e-mail, keep up the good work

Diane (Nathan’s Mom), Tyler’s Mom - Thinking of both of you, hang on. One breath at a time. This is a very difficult time for all newbies. May this day show you some sunshine and that there is a life out there for us. Even if we do not want this new life, it will be waiting for us and we can mold this new life (a little) into something tolerable and even a bit of sunshine and flowers now and then.

WELCOME BACK CAROL

Love to:

Betty, Betsy, Michelle, Lorri, Carol, Sherry, Lynn, Beth, Lisa, Marcia, Leah, Claudia, Elaine, Kathy, Bonnie, Greg, Sonya, Jenn, Dan, Shelly, Karen, Crystal(s),

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Love your words of wisdom, Colleen. I weighed 111 when Steph died. As a teenager, in foster homes with no social skills and minimal personal hygienic knowledge, I weighed 175. I was the ugly teenager who found herself the butt of many jokes and pranks. Somehow, after I had my babies, I was able to slim down to 110 which is someone my height and structure should be. I've been fat and I've been skinny. Skinny is better/easier. Adjusting to life without Stephanie AND raising my grandchildren, I have to also adjust to this new body. Thin I look like a raisin. Fatter I look like a prune. How to dress a withered piece of fruit with class...

[lostwoher]

Sharon, I am sending a a huge virtual hug as you re-enter the work place. That is a difficult step to take. I remember putting on my mask as I entered the door. I saw the stares and heard the whispers. The only thing that got me thru was knowing that the customers had no idea what I was going thru so it was a temporary time that allowed me to 'forget'. No, I NEVER forgot for a moment but it did allow a brief time to be the 'old me'. That moment was all about them. I spent every break time outside behind the store crying my heart out only to return to my duties with a 'smile'. I had some very good relationships with most of who I worked with but that is all over with now. No more after work dinners or get togethers. I hear chatter or those who still do those things but Im not invited. Comes to show who my true friends are/were. Most of them have been deleted from my facebook recently. I dont think any of them have even noticed. I rarely share my life with any of them. I guess what I am trying to say is just do what you can and be proud. We all know how you feel and stand next to you with our hands on your shoulder for support.

This is going to be a long week. I actually have plans to leave town Thursday night to head over to Dallas TX. Friday afternoon we ( the boyfriend & I ) are stopping by Ardmore to meet Indigo Lorri! It will be a brief visit but I am really looking forward to it

I must get myself ready for the work day. Make it the best day you are able. Thinking of you all.

[westleysmom]

Sharon-I'm thinking of you today and hoping that you are making it through. At first the mask comes in handy, not too big of a smile, just enough to keep people from asking questions they really don't want the answer to. It is an art that the parents of the deceased practice and then make perfect over time. I wish you strength today dear friend.

Amy-I think sometimes that my husband, who is Westley's father, wants me to quit crying so much, but he never says so. I try to spare him the ugly gut-wrenching sobs that come sometimes still, but I can't always predict the tears that just leak unexpectedly when I see something on TV that reminds me of Westley or somebody says something that brings back a memory. When I look at him then, I see it in his eyes, that he remembers too, and just can't let himself cry like I can. I guess its conditioned out of our men to show those kinds of emotions. Of course as soon as I wrote that I felt I wasn't a good enough Mom, I turned it around and hoped that no one thought I was saying that they weren't good parents. The way that Westley died, a lapse in his judgment about things that your Mom and Dad are supposed to teach you, is what makes me feel that God was not impressed with my parenting skills, they were weighed and found wanting. I doubt that God is ever impressed much by anything that I do, but the price that is paid for not being a good Mom, well now, that has proven to be quite high and much more than I wanted to pay. Not that anybody asked. I hope the trip to college goes well.

To the newest members I'm sending my wishes for you to make it through this day. Just today is all that we are given and all that we have to deal with. I spent a lot of last year dreading the holidays, and I can't tell you much of what I did during the year. What is that saying that's in the Bible, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, or something like that? I don't know what that means exactly, but I feel like today has enough evil for a thousand days. I know it means not to worry about the future, but maybe it also means, don't worry about the past? That to worry about the future or the past is a wasted effort. It may be that you all aren't worrying about anything but getting through this day already, but I know that for me, a lot of my focus in the past year has been "How am I going to make it through the rest of my life without him?" And not, "how am I going to get through today without him?" Getting through today is hard enough without trying to comprehend the rest of my life and how it is changed.

Love to you all, brave dear friends of mine.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol So very good to see your post Please take good care of yourself and rest You need it.

Trudie Thanks for the updates and the lovely pictures of the BD pty How are your coarses going?

Amy Colleen has an interesting insite in the grieving process of the men in our lives. Please be gentle with yourself and when you need support come here.

Karen I hear you and understand your pain as my other Indigo friends have said. Please know that each moment of this day, you are not alone, we are with you and holding you in our thoughts and prayers. Showing up is 80% of the battle- the Game face takes a little practice but I know you can manage it.

Come here when you can and let us know how it is going . I know that little brief stops to check in with the Board helps me.

Sus you are so funny " How to Dress a withered piece of fruit with class " has me laughing out loud I am unfortunately in the same Boat

Rhonda Thank you for your wisdom and the truth about staying in the day and leaving the past in the past and the future in the unknown. I can now look to the beautiful warm memories of Stephen, the Good times and then they warm my heart

. Your tears are definitely a tribute to the powerful love you have for Westley.

I know that we all did the very best we could as parents and that God knows and hearts and understand our grief. . I could have lost Stephen 3 times when he was a little child Once when he was 5 years old he wandered away from the children's zoo in Central Park He was gone for over an hour and I had the police and park crews all out searching for him. He came wandering around the lion cage with a park dept employee by the hand I was so happy and thanked God. that my lapse did not result in his being hurt

. Another time when he was 4 years old he was riding his bike in a fenced in road that ran beside to the highway I always let him ride straight ahead of me because the area was safe and he loved to ride One day I saw that someone had crashed into the fence the night before and that , the fence was gone and the highway beckoned. Stephen was heading right for the opening I could not get to him and just Screamed his name and yelled stop He stopped much to my surprise When I reached him He said "Mom it was like the Voice of GOD reached down into my heart and stopped me"

I know I was human and made mistake and that we all loved our children with the utmost love. God know that I we all gave all the best to our children It was just time for them to move on.

Crystal and Diane in my thoughts today

Lynn have fun with Lorrie

Betsy Sherry Dee and all Indigos have a peaceful day

[Crystal16]

Sus- Your comment about dressing withered piece of fruit was hilarious.

Sharon/Diane- You two are so new to this journey, I pray for you two everyday knowing the surmountable emotions you are dealing with along with trying to pretend on the outside you are managing.

Carol- It is so nice to see you. Take good care of yourself love. Everyone, we will be holding you up as you take another step to change.

Dee- Thanks for sharing that lovely poem.

Trudi- Your grandies is God gift to you, love the pictures.

The ex was admitted to the hospital yesterday for a mild heart attack and my sister Shannon today for irregular heart rate. I can feel evil hovering over my family as we get ready for the trial to start next week, 3/16/11. I so want to be a walking testimony of God’s grace but am struggling with all the ongoing situations we have had to encounter in the last six months that I feel I can’t be Christ like feeling this way!!!

Betty, Betsy, Greg, Dan, Rhonda, Lisa, Marcia, Lynn, Kathy, Colleen, Michelle, Lorri, Carol, Sherry, Beth, Leah, Claudia, Elaine, Bonnie, Sonya, Jenn, Shelly. I pray you are taking baby steps and peace is enveloping you today!

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS...IM HERE..I WISH I CLD CHAT AND HELP PPL...BUT I JUST FEEL SPIRITUALLY EMPTY...IM EVEN THINKNG ABOUT TRYING A DIFF CHURCH...EVEN THOUGH OURS IS FIXIN TO TAKE OFF AND GROW..IDK...KIMBERLY AND CODY ARE FIGHTN HE WANTS A DIVORCE THEN BY DAYS END HE LOVES HER...GAH GIVE ME A BREAK....PART OF ME, A LARGE PART OF ME WANTS HER TO JUST FIND SOMEONE ELSE...SOOOO SICK OF HIS BROW BEATN HER....

I GET TO MEET WITH LYNN FRIDAY SUPER EXCEITED ABOUT THAT...I WILL SHOW HER KOURTNEYS KLOSET AND THE CEMETERY AND HAVE DINNER I SO CANT WAIT...HOPE THERE IS TIME FOR ALL THAT...WISH WE CLD ALL CHAT AND CRY AND HAVE DINNER..

ANOTHER THING IS WE HAVENT HAD A CF MEETING SINCE FRIKN JUNE AND I THINK THAT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUCKS...COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS....

IVE BEEN WORKING ON A BROUCHURE (SP) FOR KOURTNEYS KLOSET...ITS A RUFF DRAFTS YAL TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK....I HAVE TO ADD OUR MISSION STATEMENT AND I CANT FIND IT...AND MORE OF WHAT WE DO AND THAT WERE NON PROFIT....BUT THIS IS IT SO FAR..

KOURTNEYS KLOSET

310 WEST MAIN

ARDMORE, OKLAHOMA

SUITE

HOURS TUESDAY-THURSDAY 10-6

KLOTHING KIDS FOR CHRIST

WHAT WE DO:

KOURTNEY'S KLOSET GIVES AWAY DONATED CLOTHING AND BABY ITEMS TO FAMILIES IN THE FOSTER CARE AND DHS SYSTEM. WE ALSO HELP FIRE VICTIMS AND TORNADO VICTIMS. KOURTNEYS KLOSET ALSO PROVIDES BACK PACK AND DIAPER BAGS TO THE FOSTER KIDS THAT ARE GOING TO NEW HOMES.

HOW DO I QUALIFY:

ANY PARTICIPATING ORGANIZATION CAN WRITE YOU A REFERRAL LETTER TO KOURTNEY'S KLOSET.

HOW DO I DONATE:

JUST TAKE YOUR DONATIONS TO THE BASEMENT OF FIRST BANK & TRUST IF WE ARE NOT THERE, WE HAVE A CART YOU MAY PUT YOUR DONATIONS ON. WE TAKE NEW AND USED CLEAN CLOTHES AND BABY ITEMS, BABYBEDS, HIGH CHAIRS, STROLLERS ETC.

HOW DID KOURTNEYS KLOSET COME ABOUT:

KOURTNEY'S KLOSET WAS STARTED WHEN A 22 YR OLD GIRL FOUND OUT SHE HAD A BRAIN TUMOR, SHE WAS DIAGNOSED NOVEMBER 4, 2007. THE SURGERY WAS SCHEDULED FOR NOVEMBER 29, 2007. KOURTNEY AND HER MOM LORRI BOATRIGHT WERE RUNNING ERRANDS ON NOVEMBER 15, 2007, WHEN KOURTNEY'S MOM NOTICED KOURTNEY WAS SHUFFELING HER FEET. SO THE FAMILY CALLED KOURTNEYS DOCTOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY. THEY TOLD THEM TO GET KOURTNEY TO THE OU MEDICAL CENTER. KOURTNEY AND HER FAMILY ARRIVED AT 8:30PM THAT SAME EVENING. FINALLY THE ER CALLED KOURTNEY TO THE BACK AT 10:00PM, WHILE TALKING TO HER HUSBAND BRENT AND HER FATHER MONTY, KOURTNEY STARTED TO HAVE A SEIZURE. HER BRAIN TUMOR HAD BURST. KOURTNEY HAD MANY SURGERIES TO SAVE HER LIVE BUT SHE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN. KOURTNEY AND HER FAMILY STAYED AT OU MEDICAL FOR 5 MONTHS, THEN THEY MOVED THEM TO A NURSING HOME, BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE THEY COULD DO FOR HER. KOURTNEY WOULD MAKE MANY MORE TRIPS TO THE HOPSITAL AND ANOTHER NURSING HOME OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. WHEN SHE DIED 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS AFTER HER TUMOR BURST.

WE WOULD LIKE FOR KOURTNEY TO BE REMEMBERED FOR THE SWEET GIRL SHE WAS, SHE LOVED KIDS AND WANTED SOME OF HER OWN BUT SHE WAS UNABLE TO GET THE CHANCE. SO THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS STARTED KOURTNEY’S KLOSET. TO HELP CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILIES. SO WHEN YOU DONATE YOUR GENTLY USED CLOTHING, JUST KNOW THEY WILL MAKE A CHILD SMILE AND OUR ANGELS MEMORY LIVE ON.

KOURTNEYS KLOSET LOGO...(THIS IS SHAPED AS A BROCHURE JUST THE LAYOUT IS DIFF ON HERE)

[Crystal16]

Lorri- My heart ached when I read the brochure. If I lived closer to you I would not only donate but volunteer my time to your awesome cause. Be blessed and know your Angel, KOURTNEY is sooooooooo proud of you.

[ericasmom]

Lorri, it looks good, the mission statement has everything to do with what you said at the bottom, that she wanted to have children herself but because she never did, we knew that she would want to help children have what they need to help their lives be strong. I am sorry that you feel flat right now. A new church might help,but what a disappointment in Compassionate Friends. Maybe you need to start one up in your area, you and Amanda.

I am thrilled for you adn Lynne to meet and hang out for a time. What fun.

Thanks Crystal, glad you like the poem. Goodness the heart attack and your sis having heart issues, what is up? I think th estress is affecting everyone, but I don't think it is evil rather the heavy stress that surrounds you as you face the upcoming trial. Please stay healthy and I will send prayers to your family to stand strong.

Trudi, how are your classes? I loved my sociology and psych classes. Oh, about the weight, of course these are not the biggest worries, but I do believe that when we feel better we deal better with the life we now have, so staying physically active does help. Each day I am grateful for my legs to carry me on my many walks. So I guess my biggest aim is to stay mobile and active. Dressing our older more mature bodies takes more thought than when we were younger. No heels because my old back cannot take it.

Betty, good for you quitting smoking, and yes, I understand that the weight gain with that is not fun, but clear lungs are! Good for you. You look quite pettite in your photo in the park. Oh by the way, I am reading aloud, Cricket in Times Square to my students, and they are loving it as am I. What a fine old book. Did you ever read it? So much of it takes place in the subway stations. Great read.

Carol, hoping today finds you even better than last evening.

Leah, are you okay?

Terri, how bout you?

[lolynbo]

THANKS GALS DO I NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT KOURTNEY B4 OR JUST LEAVE IT...IM SURE THE BOARD WILL TWEEK THE REST BUT....

Lorri- My heart ached when I read the brochure. If I lived closer to you I would not only donate but volunteer my time to your awesome cause. Be blessed and know your Angel, KOURTNEY is sooooooooo proud of you.

THANK YOU SO MUCH....I SURE WOULD LET YOU HELP US ...MAKES THE HEART FEEL BETTER..

[daveydow1]

Betsy----Your little Christmas cactus sounds so nice, and yep.....a small cactus, sitting on the kitchen windowsill

(or any sill ) does add a bit of cheer. I have a small one at the kitchen window over the sink, and it's so nice......

hasn't had any flowers, but I just got it about a few months ago.

Dee-----Nice poem. There was a lot of flooding around us, and in the area we used to live in (about 30 mi. north).

That area is very flat, and drainage is a problem......also has a river running through, that forks off, so lots of water.

That's where the pic of the guy in a canoe paddling out of his yard happened. Most areas that flooded had gone

back to 'nearly' normal. However, more rain in the forecast. . If it's not raining, it's snowing. Nice dinner with

your husband, Jon, and Shannon. Really nice to have a good dinner when the weather outside is so ugly.

Amy----- Thanks for your kind words. I've heard that some cats will just refuse to use a litterbox.....making it

impossible for them to be house/indoor cats. You have provided very well for your outside cats......and they probably...

(most likely ) prefer to be outdoors.

Trudi----Thanks for the info about our dear friend, Carol.

Carol------I am praying hard that you are getting well, and that you will soon be home. Peace & comfort, BI friend.

Betty-----I bet the little hurt-paw squirrel was glad to see you, and appreciated the snacks that you give her. So cute of

Stephen ....running home to tell you about the plants he saw peeping out in early spring. Davey used to pick me a

'bouquet' of weeds.......he called them flowers.....and give them to me. How that warms the heart. These small

memories are such golden treasures, aren't they? Peace to you.

Rhonda------As others have said,......I guess men sometimes grieve in a different way. They seem to be not as vocal

about it as we are, but hurt just the same. My husband is more reserved in his grief.......seems uneasy when I have

to cry.

Sharon, and Tylersmom,........My heart goes out to you....being so new to this rough road of grief. Keep coming to BI.

Everyone here knows the grief and pain you are feeling.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Lorri------Your brochure for Kourtney's Kloset will be very nice with all the info etc. You are doing a

good service for a lot of people....and honoring your sweet daughter's memory. I wish you continued

good luck with it

Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sharon, how was the first day back? I am hoping that you are okay, that the folks you work with were kind and gentle with you. What kind of work do you do?

Sherry, good to see you after hearing so much about the flooding, stay dry. the Christmas Cactus we have, (2) came from one plant but I seperated after a time. One is at school and one here. The plant was given to me a long long time ago, by Alice the little girl on my old block who died from brain cancer. Ali was at our house everyday just about, and one Thanksgiving she and her family came down the block to our house for dinner. It was her last Thanksgiving and she was four years old. She gave me the plant which I cherish. This year only one flower but some years she blooms twice in a year and the bright pink flowers are a wonderful reminder of her beauty, her forever smile.

[summergirl]

Sweet Carol - so good to see you here and letting us know (from your hospital bed) that you are with us....I hold you tight in my prayers and send hugs to both you and Ralph. Make sure they take good care of you. Thanks Trudi for keeping us updated.

Amy - I am sorry that your husband told you that you were wallowing in your grief....as others here have said - we all grieve differently yet the same.....There were a few things that my hubby said to me in that first year that hurt me deeply and I know he did not mean it.....he grieved on the inside but I felt as though he had "moved on", that he was done grieving, that he was angry at me for not doing the same.....I on the other hand am very verbal about Jessica, my loss, my grief.....he did not want to hear me sobbing, he did not want to see my heart breaking - he wanted to "fix me". The bottom line is that we finally communicted on how we both felt and after many bitter words, flooding tears we ended up with a much greater understanding of each other and came to respect each others grief.

You are so early on this journey so please feel free to "wallow" all you want and as Dee said "a year is but a blink of an eye".... Take your time with Ashleys things...... I did not have that chance as Jessica lived in an apartment and we had to get it cleaned out so someone else could have it.....when we went there with friends I told each of them this "you are NOT to throw out anything no matter what it is, not a piece of paper, NOTHING....everything gets packed and taken home"......then my hubby and I went through it a little at a time.....many things I gave to her best friends and some to family....What I choose to keep is packed safely away and there is a "treasure box" I have for Tavian with all of her jewlery, wallet and special items that are just for him to do what he will....Hugs to you

Sharon (Shanes mom) - My goodness friend - 7 weeks is way to short a time to expect anything of yourself....I know right now you are sure you are never going to feel anything but the way you do right now and you do not want to hear that you will but you will....the day will come when it will be softer, the sun will shine and you will see it, you will talk about Shane with a smile.....but right now you just need to take one minute at a time, do what ever you have to do to get through each day and night.....so many things I could tell you about those first months but it will not ease your pain.....we are here and will always be here...

Crytal - same for you my friend - 9 weeks !! Sending you hugs and always in my prayers as are all others.

Yesterday I took Tavian and his new friend Will (liitle boy who lives across the street from us, same age and sweet boy) to the skate park and then to Game Stop....on the way home we stopped at the cemetery....when we got there Tavian told me to stay in the car and he would take Will to see his mommy...I watched from the car as they walked to her stone and Tavian told Will about his mom being an Angel and this is where we visit her, he talked about the saying on the stone "I love you to the moon and stars" - said that is what his mommy and him always said at bedtime.....I sat there with tears rolling and my heart breaking - this is not how it should be I thought and then I had another thought "how wonderful it is too see Tavian share this with someone his own age, something he has never done before" - don't know if that makes sense to anyone but I did smile through my tears.

As far as the "weight issue" - I have been there and back.....went down to 98 pounds when I lost Jessica and then went up to 132 and have never been that heavy.....I am 5' 2" so that amount really showed on me......then one day Barry asked me if I was losing weight and the next thing knew I was back into my size 6 pants....I cannot tell you why but I am not complaining...lol I actually did not really care that I had gained weight, it was not a priority in my life but I know I do feel better now that I am back to my original size, more energy and goodness knows I need that with Tavain.... But - I could gain it back and so be it....comfy clothes are ok with me....

Well, I shall say good night as it is time for Tavian to go to bed.....I have not written this much in a long time.....love you all. Strength, Peace and Love, Kathy

[dwsmithrn]

well indigo friends, here i am...not all here, but here none the less. it has been a tough few days here at the beach. i have searched for some sign of nathan and can't seem to find him which worries me alot. i don't know why i can't connect with him. maybe my grief is just too new and too raw. i cry too much, i hurt too much, i ache too much and maybe i just can't feel his presence just yet....i so yearn to feel him. i miss him so incredibly much. i look at my pictures of him and that smile, those eyes make it seem like he is looking right through to my soul. why then can't i feel him somehow. and when will that happen? my son, lee, and his wife, julie, have been so good to me, letting me have my space, time alone, time to grieve and cry, but also trying to get me 'out and about' only if i am able or willing. i am grateful for their care, but good lord, i am so homesick and i miss my husband and i really want to go home. we went to wal-mart for a few things and ran into some friends of theirs and i literally started crying, right there in wally-world. i left and went to the car. i just am not comfortable away from home. i think i am stuck in my grieving world of home forever. although i have enjoyed the grandkids, i am too tired to just 'do' them all the time. i have to retreat to my room and rest. i have no energy from lack of sleep and still eating very little.

the talk of weight issues did make me laugh....i am 5 feet tall and weigh a whopping 85#...i know that is not healthy and i am truly working on trying to eat better. it is hard when you don't feel like it and you aren't hungry and when you just feel plain sick when you eat. i have other issues, too. autoimmune disease, celiacs disease, and a fairly new dx., they found a mult. sclerosis lesion on my c-6/7 spine just a few months ago....i have had some bad headaches that have been different from the usual migraines i usually have, so the meds i take aren't really helping. i feel like a walking hypochondriac, which is funny, because i am not that way at all....i have always been the strong, suffer in silence, 'go to school/work sick' one. and now, i am dealing with all of this crap and missing my son like a crazy person. i can deal with the rest, just give me back nathan.

i want to thank all of you for thinking about all of new folks, and i read the updates, even if i don't always respond. i think about all of you, too. and i wish we had a big place where we all could be there together. it would be nice to see faces and hold the hands of those in need. when i am crying and missing my nate, i wish i had someone who understands like one of you, i so wish i had you here. it would make it so much easier for someone to sit with me. i hate today...i am beginning to hate everyday. lately i don't even know what i feel anymore, except just sad and lonely. and anxious....of everything and everyone. does this make any sense at all? i have no idea...i don't even know what is going on with me anymore....it was 6 weeks on friday....how i hate that day of the week. it was a rough day, too. nothing is easy anymore....i'm not even 'me' anymore. well, guess that's that. diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, you will find yourself among the ruins, you will, and for a time, like now, you won't be recognizable to yourself. I am so proud of you though, for going, for sticking with it, for recognizing the effort Lee adn his wife are putting forth and the gentle ways they are doing so. Grandkids into the mix kind of makes you see life going on but yes, exhausting at the same time. Knowing you have to cry and excusing yourself is also good, you are honoring your tears, you are not pretending to not be in pain...we all do it differently diane, and there is no wrong way to grieve, as long as you don't hurt yourself in the process. Sounds like the medical issues you have would make it hard to gain weight, I have a friend with celiac disease too, and she is tiny. So you have to eat a non-gluten diet? Very little carbs then, do I have that right? Can you have milkshakes, can you process milk? Maybe having a midday milkshake or some sort of drink-a-meal might rest easy on your stomach. The lesion on your spine will need your attention as you go forth. Certainly stress can cause autoimmune issues to flair up even more, so be certain to check back with doctor. Maybe if you are afraid to discuss Nathan at the doctor's office, you can inform his nurse via telephone about your situation so that you needn't talk about it there if that makes it better for you. Thinking of you and holding your hand.

Remember that while 6 weeks is a new lifetime, it is really new to this process so be kind and patient with yourself. I do believe that you will feel Nathan's presence in the coming weeks. There will be signs eventually.

Kathy, I was so touched when Tav took his friend on his own to see the grave of his Momma. Our little guy is growing up, with great hats-off to you and Barry.

[charsng1234]

I had a bad night last night, I fought with my sister, my mom, my husband. I was so angry were does that come from??? They look at me like I am crazy like I lost my mind. my mom is visiting from WI she said she never seen me like that before, I told her I never lost a child before. I do not know how some of the mother's here made it as long as they did. I can not breath half the time, I am talking to a grief councler he thinks I am improving.. I laugh at that he should see me when I am in my full rage!!! It is getting worse my family is worried but I seem out of control.Wish I could fix me and the loss we all had! shanes mom... Sharon

[ModKonnie]

I had a bad night last night, I fought with my sister, my mom, my husband. I was so angry were does that come from??? They look at me like I am crazy like I lost my mind. my mom is visiting from WI she said she never seen me like that before, I told her I never lost a child before. I do not know how some of the mother's here made it as long as they did. I can not breath half the time, I am talking to a grief councler he thinks I am improving.. I laugh at that he should see me when I am in my full rage!!! It is getting worse my family is worried but I seem out of control.Wish I could fix me and the loss we all had! shanes mom... Sharon

Sharon,

Anger is part of the grief process, so in that aspect, know that you are "normal" and "okay" for having the outbursts. I have experienced "helpless rage" at the injustice of things before, and when people said something about it, it only made me madder. The rage will come and go at times, and then it should subside in time.

ModKonnie

[Guest msnher]

The anger, the lashing out, is part of the package of grief. Not being able to breath. Realizing "I'm not even me anymore". All part of it. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. Grief is more powerful than anything I've ever encountered. In those early moments, hours, days, in the back of my mind was the desire not to hurt anyone. It is normal for me to attack when I am in so much pain and I knew that anything I said or did during those early days would stay with the other person forever. Except for a few instances, I've managed to keep the casualties of my grief to a minimum.

The shrapnel of our grief can do untold damage to relationships and tender hearts. I am not sure how to redirect it. I do think it's a message to ourselves to tread carefully.

My counselor told me I was grieving "remarkably well". I still don't know what that means.

Be gentle with yourselves. And, try to be gentle on those around you as you find your footing on this new path.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sharon, and Diane The pain, the sadness the rage you describe are oh so familiar. Fortunately, I live alone and could isolate myself from family and friends. I do believe I was capable of killing anyone who was simply alive when Stephen was not. It was not sane- I also was angry because their children were with them and mine was not It all made sense to me at the time and I do not know whey they thought it strange. It truly is a day at a time and is oh so hard I know coming here when I was at my worst really helped.

CCrystal Praying for you , your ex and family I am so sorry for their pain and illness.

Dee I am sorry I missed your poem It is beautiful Thanks as usual I can understand what a treasure your Christmas Cactus is treasure it always.

Sherry what a precious memory of little Davey picking "weeds" as flowers for you You are right these memories are priceless and oh so close to the heart.

Carol Take care of you!!!

Kathy How beautiful of little Tavian I too cried as I read.

Lorrie Good Luck with your presentation

I am off to finish my Income Tax Will be thinking of each of you:

Betsy, Amy, Rhonda, Karen, Sharen,Trudie, Sus, Leah and all Indigos in my thoughts

[shorty16]

Sharon

WOW, what familiar words - anger. I have spent much effort trying to get rid of my anger. Anger at the driver for being so stupid, anger at the other friend involved for surviving. Anger at myself for not stopping this.

Anger is normal, but can be very self-destructive. At only 7 weeks, nothing is normal. Nothing is the way it should be. Anger at this time is OK.

Try to give hubby and kids a hug to night. They will understand.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

ANGER is part of this whole mess, anger is normal for what now is so abnormal. I never was a striking out human either, but the loss of one so special drives us to a new and ugly place, you won't stay there always, you will however, have to face the anger and the loss head on, and folks that get in your way need to get out of the way. I think that your therapist might be saying that you are doing well as far as right on schedule, you are moving through these early stages as we all have, the anger is a normal emotion to feel and display. Hang tight Dearest, I don't always know how I got through it, but I knew that I had to, that I had to do it my way with the assistance of my therapist and this wondrous place. Tell your family that until you have a different emotion to show, it might be anger and sadness for a long time, that feeling insane is part of this and if they cannot handle it, they may need to adjust their thinking because your life has been adjusted unkindly and this is it right now.

Peace one day, I swear.

Thanks Betty and good luck on the taxes. I signed ours today so hubbs could get it in the mail

[westleysmom]

Kathy-The thought of Tavian sharing his Mommy with his new friend brought tears to my eyes too. He is growing up, that precious boy, and you are keeping his memory of his Mommy alive for him. It is so hard, and you are doing a great job with him. Jessica smiles on you all.

Lorri-Keep up the good work at Kourtney's Kloset and good luck with the brochure thing. I'm sorry that Kimmy is having such a hard time, I hope they can work it out. Its so hard to see your children struggle.

Sharon-I like to try to be alone when I am angry, but I know sometimes people just won't let you. The anger comes and goes,the sadness for me is always there. I hope that work went well, maybe the anger was from having to hold it in and wear the mask yesterday? I'm not an exerciser, (so I'm telling you something that I'm not practicing myself), but maybe walking or something like Colleen's punching bag would help to release your anger without hurting your family. Thinking of you today and hoping that tonight is better.

Diane-I know some people who go to Compassionate Friends where you actually get to meet people who understand. Is there maybe a group in your area? I have a close friend whose son died right before Westley, and another friend whose son died 10 years ago, and talking to them helps so much. Not that this place doesn't help, available 24 hours a day and everything. But sometimes you just want someone to hold you when you cry and tell you they get it. And just knowing that they lived through it, and look at them, they're walking around and finding a way to live. A new way, not the way we wanted or imagined, but life. Try to take care of your self, try to drink and eat a little bit of whatever you can, and get plenty of rest. Sending you hugs.

Crystal-Wishing you strengh for the legal wrangling and hurtful words and images that may come out in court. I hope your family is all feeling better, the stress is showing on all of you and no wonder about that.

Carol-Hope you are feeling better and will be back among us soon.

Betty-Income Tax? What is it April 15 already? I'm always late with that, you're an early bird, good for you.

I have an appt to see Westley's friend in jail Thursday night and Sunday night. I have never visited the jail before, I hope I don't do anything to get in trouble! They're pretty strict, you can only have your keys and your ID in your possession when you go in there, no phone, purse, anything like that. He called last Friday night from the jail and asked me to come see him, but they only set up appts during the week, so it was too late to get in there this past Sunday. He has friends, but not parents to encourage and help him. I know I can't be his Mom, but I can encourage and support him, and try to give advice if he asks. I know some people might think I wasn't that good of a Mom, (not you guys, but you know, gossipy people who only know that Westley had been drinking and took some kind of drug and died in his sleep on the couch) but we really did try to raise our children to be good and kind and decent and hardworking, and Westley was all of those things and more. I miss him so much, last night I was thinking about a set of suitcases that I bought for him one Christmas, I bought my daughter a set too. And I was thinking, he didn't even get to use them. They're in his closet in his room, which I still haven't touched. My friend Susan told me last weekend that she had painted Andrew's room, they need to put their house on the market, so she's started to do some things in there. She asked me if I thought she was awful, but I don't of course. Everybody's situation is different, and I haven't had to do anything in Westley's room, so I haven't done anything. I still haven't closed the bank account either.

Well I'm rambling now and need to get off here, but just wanted to check in with all my friends. Have as good a day as you can.

Leah, Sonya, Bonnie, Greg, Dan, Susannah, Crystal 2, Betsy, Trudi, Sherry, Michelle, Amy, Dee-Thinking of you all every day

[charsng1234]

Thanks everyone for all your support I did not make it to work today. I am so tired can not get out of bed Just wanted to say thanks once again for being here for me,, everyone. shanes mom (sharon)

[crystalann]

I am angry alot too. Angry at the countys that had this kid and let him go. Mad at this so called gang and the familys involved. Sometimes I want to find Alex Kings mom and shake the **** out of her and the other moms involved But I am scared af that anger I dont want to think bad thoughts about these people in fear I may lose someone else.The kid was found able to stand trial.Doesnt seem to matter. So my emotion is always sadness. This pain is mental and pysical I hurt inside and out. I just want him back. I know that cant happen. I have been a stay at home mom and I cant seem to do the simple stuff my brain is cloudy I never know what to do.

[charsng1234]

when will the pains in my stomach go away. I fell aleep and even in my dreams I can not get away from my nightmare!! I miss my son so much life is so dark without him it. How do I go on with out him. I feel so sad I can not get it together for my other kids. I hope I will get better it just seems like it won't happen to me. shane ray taylors mom forever!!!

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Just texted this to a friend:

"Losing Brianna took away any fear of death I ever had....but it also took away my will to live for awhile. Didn't want to off myself, just didn't care if I woke up the next morning"

Sending love and light to all Indigos who are hurting so badly today...