Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

TGIF

Hello Indigos,

This week has been stressfull and next week will be stess-filled also. I am an auditor for an Aerospace company. Once a year, a Registrar comes in and certifies us to world standards. Those standards are ISO9000:2008 and AS9100 - Quality Management Systems - Requirements for Aviation, Space and Defense Organizations.

Well, that audit is next week - 1 auditor for 5 days.

So, I need to calm down, take a deep breath, do my best and put the rest in Gods hands.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[rlolheiser]

good morning all!.. I have a couple minutes and just wanted to come here. Mom went back to bed already, and kids are in school.

Trudi, I hope you have a great roadtrip, may the weather, be wonderful, and travel be safe. I also hope Muttley's tests come back ok.

Sherry, thank you so for your prayers.

Kathy, so great to hear that BJ is doing so well. I pray he keeps his strength in this tough old world. I hope your housing situation works out, may this be the house that is prepared just for you.. so you have one less worry. I agree with you on Tavian. I think children regress from time to time and God knows he has been through some tough times. It is wrong to make force him into sleeping alone. I believe it will come from time to time, with just a little encouragement, there may be ups and downs.. but they are only young once.

Carol, thank you for the information. It was hard trying to hear the dr. He has an accent, I think German, and with mom talking over him I couldn't take all of it in, just the numbers and his drug plan. He took her off of her potassium pills, and one of her water pills. Since she got out of the hospital she has been on a more strict diet, and I have noticed she is eating less. with each dr's visit she weighs a little less. I hope Ralphs number keeps going up. The dr told me her number may not go up, between her stroke, and aneurysm surgery.. things just aren't good. Thank you for thinking of us, my grandaughter is happy, she doesn't want to go with her mom or dad, I imagine later on it is going to give somebody grief, sadly I fear it will be her and us. I am just thankful for the time I have with her, and the ability to care for her. Makes me think of the times I couldn't care for my jaBoa.. I know it is silly but in ways it is my making up to her..

Dee, such kind words.. Ihope JaBoa is happy with me, as I was saying, I feel I let her down in life.. one of my demons I still learn to live with. Your sharing your life with us has helped me to hang in there. I hope Jon feels better and his trip goes well. Have a great Friday and long weekend of relaxing (hopefully)

Susannah.. I hope you feel better.. that darned old menopause.. does things to a body :-) I forget that I am getting old sometimes.. til I realize my oldest grandaughter is 20.. I know it is hard to change old habits and take care of yourself.. I hope you find the strength. Which reminds me... I am down a total of 70 lbs. I have really been working on not gaining.. this stress is tough.. food is my friend.. being here helps :-)

Coleen.. wow.. what a bunch of stress.. my thoughts are with you.. hope it goes by quickly for you

Ok.. guess I better get moving... I am thinking of all of you.. I am so bad with names, but my heart is with you..May our angels take our hands and walk with us

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS...KODY HAS LOST 6PDS...WE WALKED AS A FAMILY (3 OF US) LAST NIGHT 2 MILES...AND KODY WAS ABLE TO KEEP UP...LAST TIME HE WASNT....

TODAY IM 47 FEEL MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY 87...BUT IM GONNA MAKE THE MOST OF MY DAY...WE ARE GOING TO THE OKC STATE FAIR SUNDAY AFTER CHURCH...WITH KIMMY AND CODY..AND OF COURSE MONTY BROOKE AND KODY.....

I FEEL MORE POSITIVE TODAY AND YEST THAT KODY WAS GOING TO BE OK...I WAS IN A BADDDDD PLACE WEDS...WOW BADDD....I THINK I ALMOST BOUGHT THE FARM...

WE LEAVE IN ONE WEEK FOR FLORIDA (ROAD TRIP) FOR CRUISE...WEDS I WAS THINKING ABOUT CANCELLING IT...BUT I THINK GOD HAS LET MY HEART NO WE CAN GO...

THANK ALL OF YAL FOR THE PRAYERS AND CONTINUE TO PRAY ITS THIS GILBERTS DISEASE AND WE CAN HANDLE THIS...

BLESS AND BE BLESSED I LOVE EACH ONE OF YAL VERY MUCH IDK WHERE ID BE WITH OUT YAL

[daniellemom]

Lorri - Glad to hear that you all went walking 2 miles that great and so glad to hear that Kody was able to keep up. I pray it's Gilbert's with his liver. Have a grand time on your trip.

Leah - With everything you have been going on with you my prayers are with you. I'm so proud you are 70 lbs lighter, I'm sure it makes you so proud and I'm proud of you. Do want you must for your granddaughter and your daughter. My prayers are with you.

Colleen - Good luck with the audits. We have audit here but nothing like you have to go over. Take this weekend and destress and I will be thinking of you next week.

Carol - Great news about Ralph and his numbers going in the right directions. Sorry to hear about Davis' car but glad you treated him to something nice. I'm sure he was not a happy camper. The other day you posted about your 1st year angelversay that is the date that we buried Danielle. I'm so glad Mike's friend stopped by at just the right time.

Sus - you make me laugh out loud with each of your post. Your medical degree is a little better than mine. I just make something up for me to believe I have. I'm with you starting with perimenopause it's no fun.

Dee - My prayers are with Jon and his girl while traveling I also hope he feels much better today!

Kathy - Good luck with the house I hope it's being prepared just for your family. So glad to get the update on BJ sounds like great news! I don't blame you a bit for not listening to others about how to raise Tavian you know best what he needs.

Danielle's birthday is Monday at 2:30, I always talked to her at 2:30, each year no matter where she was, daycare, class, date, I would call her at 2:30 and wish her a happy birthday. I'm feeling pretty lonely with her birthday on Monday.

Sus - I hate to keep stealing your saying but I must it's too cute not to use.

A-16 Everyone!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom forever and always)!

[westleysmom]

I'm back from my customer meeting and so glad its over. It's always the happiest day of the year because we're as far away as we can be from having to put on another one. It was very hard at times, some people wanted to say something to me that I hadn't seen since it happened, and as one of the hosts, I really didn't want to lose it in front of all those people. So I would thank them and tell them I was doing as well as I could. I told a good friend last night when he asked that I was so tired of smiling. Do you know what I mean? I could do it, and I did it convincingly, but after three days of it, I just wanted to go lay down and cry for a while. I did cry a lot last night after I went to my room for the last time, when I knew nobody would be able to tell. During dinner, the guy next to me asked me how my family was doing, in a way that I knew meant he had no idea what he was asking, or what had happened to my family. So I told him that my husband was getting ready to go on a hunting trip and left it at that. We had a speaker for dinner that is one of my football heroes, my boss wanted to surprise everybody, including me. It was nice, but the thing that made me cry a lot last night was how meeting the football hero didn't change much of anything and didn't make me happy for very long. No matter where I go, or who I meet, or what I buy or drink or eat, it doesn't change the fact that he's gone and I'll never see him again. When I realize it, it makes me so sad, I can't stop crying. But anyway, that's over for this year. My husband is leaving tomorrow, though, for the hunting trip to Kansas, and I'll be on my own until he gets back, probably next weekend. I'm not looking forward to so much time alone, it usually ends badly. I'm tired now, so maybe I'll be able to catch up on some sleep.

Colleen-Congratulations on Trevor's good grade and Michelle's getting into nursing school. Good luck with the audit thing.

Lorri-Do you mean your birthday is today? If so, have a good one. If not, have a good one anyway.

Kathy-I hope the house works out for you, it sounds great. And I'm glad you're doing what you think best on Tav's sleeping. You know him better than anybody.

Dee-Thank you for sticking around to help us all get through this.

I love the picture of all the girls from your visit (last year?)

Bonnie-Crossing fingers for good weather for Pinnacle Days. I wish I could be there to see Westley smiling down with all of our angels on your special day honoring Jason and all of them.

Sonya-Will be thinking of Danielle's beautiful face on Monday, and you too, hoping your feel her presence at your side and speak to her at 2:30 and know she hears your heart.

Leah-Prayers for you and your whole family. You've got so much going on. Stay strong, friend.

Carol-Your story of the first anniversary had me crying. He was there for you, wasn't he?

Susannah-We don't need no stinkin' doctors, we got Web MD. I feel a thousand years old some days, and I guess I know exactly when that happened.

Jenn-Good to see you around, it sounds like you're always busy.

I know I forgot somebody, I had to read up on the last few days in a little bit of time. But I thought of you all while I was gone, and even thought comments to you while I was at meetings and stuff. There was not any really stupid dumb stuff said, and for that I'm grateful. We have to count our blessings, and you all are that to me.

[daniellemom]

Rhonda - I'm glad you're back home from your customer meeting, I'm sure it was hard to paint the smile on your face for that long. I hope your husband has a safe hunting trip and you do pretty well with your alone time. Thanks for reminding me Danielle will be with me at 2:30 on Monday, I normally go to her resting place but I will be at work on Monday. This is the 3rd birthday without her and I'm sinking into a black hole.

[ericasmom]

Hey Rhonda, glad you are home and not needing to smile all day long. Let the tears rip. I know that you don't like that much alone time, however, I sure would love some. Just a few days of nobody in the house. Not for any other reason but solitude. Love that husband of mine, he knows me well, does not feel I need to always be a part of everything, but there is something amazingly freeing when you are home alone.

Hey, to you and all those newer on this road than I, you guys help me each day, each one here creates the kinship that helps my heart feel grateful. WE are sisters and brothers on a journey.

Sonya, you hang on and let those tears fall too, knowing that even when down very low, you will come up to the surface again, you will feel the sunlight. Holding you tight. Glad that Maddie is working hard, but it is an adjustment.

Love to all,

[lolynbo]

YES MAM TODAY IS MY BDAY...IM TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY...SO FAR IT IS PRETTY GOOD...

THANK YOU IM PRAYING ITS THE GILBERTS DISEASE...SDS LIKE WE CAN HANDLE THAT ONE...

[daveydow1]

:D :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LORRIE !

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

SHERRY.

[lostwoher]

♪ ♫ ♬ HaPPy BiRThdaY Lorri !! ♪ ♫ ♬

A 16 everybody!

[summergirl]

HAPPY HAPPY LORRI - 47 ?? YOUR JUST A YOUNG CHICK !!!!

Thank you everyone for your comments on Bj, the house hunting and on raising Tavian, I do know what is best for him so I ignore the comments - seems like we have to do alot of that on this journey we walk - always someone saying something that just makes you want to do a smack down on them !!!!

Yes, I am nervous about seeing my friend as I am not sure what to expect but I cannot not go places because she might be there, I will not hide away.....I am hoping for the best... Tavian will be at his friends house for dinner and a sleep-over, our first break in a very long time. Have not heard from his other grandmother since early July !! I heard that she was in the Dominican but that is all, I did text her daughter to let her know I was concerned but no reply - oh well guess they will get in touch some day...

Well, time to watch a movie with Tavian so I will say good night...love , peace and strength, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly button day, Lorri!!

Gary is home after being in Jackson Hole all week. The kids are at Celebrate Recovery with their dad, so Gary and I were able to visit in peace and quiet. So nice. Shelby, our dog (golden retriever) is pacing bath and forth looking for the kids and whining. She got depressed without dad all week (she laid by his side of the bed all day yesterday) now he's back and her kids are gone. She wants us all here together all the time. It's kind of pathetic...her little cry as she walks around the house with her ball in her mouth.

I love the saying...."Smile, it's today." Thanks for sharing it, Carol!

Sherry feel free to make A 16 your own. It is cute, I agree!

Rhonda I hope you are able to rest and cry and do what you need to nurture yourself while your hubby is gone. Hunting in Kansas? What is he hunting?

I started to slip into that dark hole today....trying to force myself to remember what Stephanie smelled like that day...forcing the smell into my consciousness. I had to force myself to stop it and focus on today...right now. I had to actually talk out loud to myself and tell myself Stephanie was already gone while she laid on that guerney. Anyway, the kids were in the back seat and I was oblivious for a few moments while my brain traveled back to 8-9-09. As I tried to walk back into the ER (in my mind) I literally had the thought, in Stephanie's voice, "I'm not there, Mom. I never was. Look in the back seat....I'm there right now." I adjusted my mirror and glanced back and there sat her three beautiful children, singing to the song on the radio (Disney channel - XM).... The pain the was so tangible seconds before was replaced with joy in an instant.

Grief is such a contradiction. Ugly and beautiful...

Well...I better go pick up those kiddos!

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

THANKS GUYS FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES...IT WAS A GOOD DAY...47 GEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LORRI..so glad it was a good day!

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Lorri, I am glad your day went well, and Kody is doing better.

Rhonda, I am glad that your back, and your meeting was successful, thanks so much for your well wishes.

Sonya, my heart is with you, especially on monday.. may your lonliness be filled with the presence of Danielle.. Thank you for your prayers.. I have to believe that things will be good. It sure does help to be doing this 70 lbs lighter.. I wish I could have done this a long time ago

We had snow tonight, yuck.. it is to early. My son and grandaughter went out on the deck and had their first snowball fight.. and their tiny snowman making. It did my heart good to watch them.. made me even kinda like the snow

good night all.. I am just beat.. love and prayers to everyone

[ericasmom]

LORRI, you young chick you!

Happy Happy Happy Birthday Sweetie.

[mysonrich]

early morning ramblings; since moving back to NJ after 6 years and meeting people that knew "us" before Rich died. One word comes to mind and I'm not sure it is the right word, validation. An acknowledgement that Rich's death changed our lives forever. I know some people hate the questions when asked, but no one ever asked me questions. When I tell people my son died I am asked, " how".that doesn't bother me because no one really asked me that before. Or, how is everyone? doesn't bother me.

I equate living in NEPA as this, living in a snow globe. Insulated. I have felt that I'm missing a step or being removed from the tragedy of Rich's death and never hearing from others around me , in a way I was forced to carry on.Missing a step in my own acknowledgement. As if life just marches on,which it does, but to the beat of a very different drummer. Now my snow globe life is compartmentalize. The exception being that the inside of the snow globe is not a cheery Christmas scene. I collect snow globes btw. That snow globe is dark and deep , isolating, terrifying, raging with a beautiful background of the mountains. The therapist I had for a time seemed to think that I would equate NEPA with Rich's death . Not true because I did make friends there and I did found solace in the beauty of nature . If I should travel through there again,mind you, I am not unpacking there again, my feelings may be that I made it out! Lorri, Happy day after your birthday!

Leah, I feel for you.My mom always thought she would walk again after her stroke. I never discouraged that. I also never said she would. I was really missing my mom the other day when my aunt's son stopped my and I heard them laughing in the kitchen. I miss laughing with my mom.

Sherry, no rain. Many of the fields here are full of row after row of corn, brown, stunted corn. I know other areas fared better but may of the creek besds are dry.

Bonnie, Jason, Jason Jason.

Sus, I feel as if I read everything available on the net on heart matters. I studied the anatomy of the heart and artery's and veins.I stared at diagrams. I was looking for the left descending artery , for a good year I read and studied. I went to medical sites, read papers from heart doctors. i wanted to see and know what killed my boy. I thought I could perform heart surgery after reading so much!

I don't know if anyone saw the article ; a young man had just scored a touchdown and he dropped to the ground. there was a emergency RN and a doctor in the stands and this young man was saved. The same anomaly as Rich. that fast. The young man said that he just remembered that he couldn't breath and asked his coach for his breather/nebulizer. that's it.

Carol, great news from Ralphs Dr.

well, I have rambled enough. everyone, I hope that you all enjoy Saturday.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy, I enjoy your ramblings. I love how you described your move back "home". Validation is so important. I am so grateful I live where there are so many memories of Stephanie and around people who knew her. I also love your description of living in NEPA....comparing it to living in a dark snow globe. Perhaps that was a necessary time for you?? To prepare you for returning home, as scary as it was. I remember the joy that jumped inside my soul when you first announced your decision to finally make the move. I feel Rich was very pleased.

I google EVERYTHING! How did we survive before google? Oh....the library and encyclopedia's....After Steph died, like you, I watched , read and tried to learn all I could about the coratid artery. I watched the clip of the hockey player who was nicked by a blade in his coratid. It was just a nick, but it was very dangerous and he did manage to survive. Stephanie's was cut clean through. She was dead before her body every hit the ground. However, that didn't stop me from also trying to figure out how much blood a female adult has. What it looks like when a person bleeds to death. How long it takes, etc. I suppose it would sound morbid to others, but I'm sure all of you understand. As, I know you do, Betsy.

Also, I don't know if I ever told you about my girls (granddaughter's) counselor's son. I think he was 17, playing basketball and collapsed from the same thing Rich had. They finally made the decision to turn off all life support......but, he didn't die. They went through that four times.....and, he didn't die. He is alive, still, and lives at home. But, he is severely brain damaged and cannot communicate. They don't know what he comprehends. He has very little motor skills. I believe he is now 21. When Steph first died I thought her situation was worse......and, there are times I still believe that. But sometimes I'm envious because she has his body to hold and kiss.........and, as she says, she still has hope that he might "snap" out of it. However, I know I would not want to survive like that. She and I talked about the pain of losing her son as she knew him, preparing for his death (four times, laying beside him, holding him) and in reality she did lose her son as she knew him. She had little if no time to grieve because she was given another son (although the same son) who required 24 hr care and attention.

About this counselor.....her name is Cari. She is a specialist in interviewing children of abuse...I can't remember her official title. We feel very fortunate to have her. She is probably all of 4'11" and cute as can be. She has been an important part of our weekly routine for almost two years. Her testimony was critical in helping us get our grandchildren. Anyway, about six to nine months into therapy with her, as I drove the girls to one of their session, Jasmine said, "I like Cari. She's come to be our friend." We quote her a lot.

Cari also got to know and love Stephanie and has been very helpful to the kids (and me) through her death.

Her death.

Saying that can still bring a pang of "Really?" Shock, I suppose.

Well, now I'm the rambling one.

Have a great day, friends (unless you have other plans)

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

THANKS AGAIN GUYS FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES....ALL IN ALL I HAD A GOOD DAY...BACEPT MY HUBBY DIDNT GET ME ANYTHING BUT ITS NOTLIKE WE DONT LEAVE FOR THE BAHAMAS IN A FEW DAYS...

I THINK I TOLD YAL KODY GOT ME A DIGITAL FRAME GOT IT ALL UP AND RUNNING (MARCIA HELPED ME LOL VIA FB).....BROOKE BLESS HER HEART BOUGHT ME FINDING NEMO (A MOVIE KOURTNEY GOT ME AND I CANT FIND)....AND SHE ALSO GOT ME A $50 GC FOR WM...(WAY TOO MUCH $$$)...THEN MY BROTHER GOT ME A BDAY CAKE AT THE BBQ LAST NIGHT AND EVERYONE SANG HAPPY BDAY TO ME....

IM SURE HOPING THE HURRICANS SIMMER DOWN WHILE IM OUT ON THE SEAS....

BETSY I DONT THINK WE RAMBLE I THINK SOME DAYS OUR FEELING JUST ROLL...AND ROLLING AINT RAMBLIN....I DONT NO WHAT NEPA STANDS FOR BUT I THINK I GOT IT TOO...I FEEL MORE LIKE IM IN THE MOVIE "GROUND HOGS DAY"...WHERE U GET UP AND EVERY DAY IS THE SAME...THE SAME THE SAME THE SAME....

WELL YAL HAVE A BLESSED DAY I WILL CHECK IN LATER

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I like the correlation of your snowglobe feeling to your life. I understand that, and Lorri, the day in day out sameness that can drive a person crazy, I get that too. There are many phases and stages of grief, each one leading to the next. There are days that I realize that I keep the thoughts and images away with great energy in order to put myself into the daily endeavours that are dear to me. There are times though, that I have to let it all come forward so that I can release all that is still right there, under the flap of my eyelids, my synapses, my heart chambers. Today feels like that kind of day, with hints of it throughout the week, moments in my walks that I see and feel Eri being gone for 7 years, feel that in each fiber of me.

Right now I am worried sick about Jon, so please a few prayers, he is Rhode Island with his Girl, he has had a very bad reaction to his anti-biotic, is vomiting and cramped up, and I am so far away from him. They put in a call to our doctor here, who will then phone in a new prescription to the pharmacy in R.I. but I feel so nervous. I am on pins and needles. Please God and Eri, make sure of him, let him be well.

[mikesmomrs]

Betsy and Sus (and Dee): some days I feel as though "rambling" is what my life is all about...rambling through my days, no particular set point directing me, even though I may have a ton of appointments, picking up grandies, whatever. Then I stop and realize what it is that I feel "set-pointless" about (is there such a word?) and it is that a very real part of me is missing...a part that I know will never return to me on this plane...and even though this does not happen every day, it does happen often enough that you would think I would remember and not have to "realize" it again...but such is my brain, my heart, my life. As Dee said, "There are times though, that I have to let it all come forward so that I can release all that is still right there..." and those are the days that find me "set-pointless." I accomplish what needs to be accomplished on those days, but it's almost like I am on auto-pilot...on the other days, I am able to "...keep the thoughts and images away with great energy in order to put myself into the daily endeavours that are dear to me." Thank you for putting those words out there, Dee, you have helped me greatly to understand and put what I feel into words that will help me better to manage those days.

I am going out to lunch today with Cathi...there is a beautiful flower park in downtown Portsmouth (a historical city), by the sea, and she goes there often. WE used to go there often (she and I, and before that, all of us, as a family) but since Mike died, it seems to have dropped off the radar for me. They have outdoor plays there every summer that we used to go to...haven't been there, either. Cathi goes there frequently during her lunch to walk, as it is close to her work. Anyway, she wants to take me there today, before all the flowers are gone, to walk along the sea and through the gardens, stopping for lunch along the way. A day out of a time before, and perhaps a day that will bring it back into focus for me as a place of enjoyment. It is a beautiful day here--sunny, bright, blue, blue skies, and just a lingering warm breeze to remind us of the summer that is leaving for another part of the world. I am looking forward to it. October 14th pulses in my heart, but today is here now and I am going to use that "great energy" that Dee spoke of to allow myself to enjoy this endevour.

Dee: Praying for Jon and you may soon find out he's in the clear. Sending love.

Have a good weekend, my fellow indigos...you are all in my heart, as always.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

Bonnie - I am sending rays of sun to Virgina today. May a light breeze and sunshine be your constant companion. I can see the banners flying now. Each so unique, each representing the love of a child. Thanks for organizing that.

Betsy - I still go back to Bonnies statement: "Grief is the back-ground noise of my life." Yesterday, the grief was manageable, but Thursday, I found myself driving around, because I could not stand the fact I was driving home to a house without Brian - EVER. Today, we will work together to make it a good day and may your snow-globe be a happy one.

Sus - That is great that Cari-the-counselor can continue to help your family. Rose, our victims adovacate from Waukesha County, is also a great friend. She had names for her cases and the name she gave our case was "By the grace of God go I" Even the police told us they usually see this happen when kids have already had police records. None of the 3 boys did. Good to have a good councelor

Dee - I am sending calming prayers to you in IL. Jon has already contacted the doctor about his symptoms. I am sure his g/f will get him the meds he needs. I know it is scarey when our surviving children are placed in harms way. We pray and call and pray and call and e-mail and call.

Carol - Hope you have a nice lunch with Cathi today. How is the weather by you - Rained like all get-out about 4am this morning. Now it is sunny and warm. SOOOO happy Ralph is doing good. I have been asking Brian to give your Mike a hug in heaven - Brian had a selective listening dis-order, so I do not know if Mike got his hug yet?.

Rhonda - You hard worker you!!! That is how I feel when this pending audit I have next week is over. The farthest point from the next audit. Did you take that next Monday off work? I am. I call them mental-health days. I use about 5 a year, just for my brain. That day is one of them.

Lorri - Good luck with the pending sea trip!! We had a BLAST on our cruise. I am trying to organize a cruise for Michelles graduation from Nursing school. Love them. Praying for calm seas and sunny days.

Leah - SNOW!?!?!?! Please, Please say that is not so. Wiscosin is a bit farther South than North Dakota, but not that much. I have been enjoying this hot summer we had - it was about time. By the way, you did the right thing by calling SS. Please do not call yourself a bad mother. Please do not. If you were a bad mother, you would not be involved at all.

Kathy - I am thinking of you with your party tonight. I think you should act like nothing ever happened--because it didn't. We know you did not take that money - you and God know you did not take that money. Just treat her like the good friend she is and she will get over it - hopefully. Take the high road. It may not be the shortest path, but it usually is the truest.

Lynn - Love the avatar of Kayla - one-big-smiling-face.

Marcia, my friend, I am always thinking of you and Bethany. Brian is probably hitting on her in heaven.

Trudi - I am still trying to get the international calling thing going. I seem to be handicapped with this. I have been thinking alot about your PM to me. You are very wise and have really begun the acceptance. Acceptance of who you have become - never of the death of our sons. We have a new life now. In the beginning, I did all I could to not take part in this new life I did not want. That did not work. Now, I too have begun to take part in life and begin the acceptance of our new lives without our sons. Seeing our surviving children grow and not even knowing what Brian would be doing, is very hard sometimes - all the time.

Indigos - Trevor is doing well. Looking at grade-check yesterday, we have some clean-up work, but the trend is definitely going in the right direction. He is very committed to studying - I just have to teach him how to study. It is kinda fun, because he actually listens to me.

Love you my friends

Colleen - Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Thanks Col, you have very calming words for me today, thanks, and very wise. I think what I need to do is try to understand once again, that we have no control on the future nor the past, just what we do right now. You are right, Jon and Shan are figuring out what to do.

And Kathy, Colleen is giving great advice here. Have some fun.

Carol, have fun at that pretty park, sounds delightful.

[daveydow1]

Trudi---I so understand how you are taking Mike's guitar with you. Something about the instrument making some

music or chords that your dear son played on it.. Davey also left behind a guitar (acoustic) that had collected

dust for a few years after he seemingly lost interest in it, or got too busy with other things. My husband initially

thought to give it to someone, but for some reason didn't. I'm glad, in a way, that we still have it. Most of Dave's

friends have long forgotten him, so the guitar probably would have ended up in a garage sale by now. As you

said once before......it's hard to part with certain items our dear children had because it seems like letting them

go. I can imagine that Mike's guitar means more to you than anyone else.. I do hope & pray that the lump on

poor Muttley's chest is nothing to worry about. Pets are so dear. Peace to you.

Kathy-----Good to hear that BJ is doing so well.

I don't have much to say today......feeling a bit down. So, Peace & Tranquility to all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Betsy and Sus (and Dee): some days I feel as though "rambling" is what my life is all about...rambling through my days, no particular set point directing me, even though I may have a ton of appointments, picking up grandies, whatever. Then I stop and realize what it is that I feel "set-pointless" about (is there such a word?) and it is that a very real part of me is missing...a part that I know will never return to me on this plane...and even though this does not happen every day, it does happen often enough that you would think I would remember and not have to "realize" it again...but such is my brain, my heart, my life. As Dee said, "There are times though, that I have to let it all come forward so that I can release all that is still right there..." and those are the days that find me "set-pointless." I accomplish what needs to be accomplished on those days, but it's almost like I am on auto-pilot...on the other days, I am able to "...keep the thoughts and images away with great energy in order to put myself into the daily endeavours that are dear to me." Thank you for putting those words out there, Dee, you have helped me greatly to understand and put what I feel into words that will help me better to manage those days.

Reading this I know that I have changed dramatically. Most of the incidental stuff was once a minute part of my life, kinda 'do you want fries with that'. The rest was point/focus driven. The noise from that life was work, outcomes, lives, goals and success in achieving. Now, well here is the rest of my post so you be the judge..

Moved some things to the beach with grandies and a puppy. It was drizzling when we started our 3hr road trip. 1st the tarp came loose, the power that was 'turned on' Friday wasn't. The water pump, garage door both rely on power! We got water from the sky as we unloaded! Car window had been down(hot flushes) wet seat a BONUS. Front door key to beach house safely locked inside. Upside-grandies were great. Unloading, organising and not a word of complaint about getting wet. The upside bonus points, watching one crazy puppy and two very happy grandbabies run the sand and beach. One pooped and sore Granma today, back there Tuesday

Colleen - my goodness you have become a wise young lady. The background noise of my life seems to fade and then the volume jumps and grabs me. I do that 'driving around' thing. The acceptance of who I am now is so much easier at the beach. I also realised that being who I am now doesn't take away from being Mikesmum. He's still with me always.

Dee - Freaking out when the kids are away and unwell is something that is amplifed now. Hoping the change in meds and the reversing of the reaction see Jon feeling better. Maybe a call to hear his voice might calm you, I know it works for me.

Carol - Is that a place I might see on a road trip???? Hope the lunch and company were great.

Bonnie - Just for you I have kept the rain here, even though I could have done with a little less yesterday. Hope Pinnicle Days has kicked off and you are in the midst of a Jasonfest that will warm you and bring tears of joy with so many memories of your boy.

Ending my Sunday rambling on a quote from Betsy

That snow globe is dark and deep , isolating, terrifying, raging with a beautiful background of the mountains. The therapist I had for a time seemed to think that I would equate NEPA with Rich's death . Not true because I did make friends there and I did found solace in the beauty of nature . If I should travel through there again,mind you, I am not unpacking there again, my feelings may be that I made it out!

This describes my life in Healsville. I did equate Mikes death with Healesville. The ambo's that tried to save him live (in this valley). I seem then almost every day. Heck I have been living with the one who called the time of death (10.20am Thursday 18th Jan). The town knows the story, it made local newspapers. While my family isn't from here, its here we changed forever. I am surrounded here by majestic mountains, amazing forests that are re-emerging after devasting fires - these things too give me solace. I will visit here again I'm sure - but will never call it home. I was a bride (yep at my age) here. It was my future almost 4yrs ago, now its my past.

Am off for a coffee with Muttley. Showers predicted, but hey its only water. Love to you all, my strength, my wiseones, my Indigo Friends..

[ericasmom]

My Dear Friend Trudi,

how good to know that the ocean is home to you now, at least for part of the week this week. I love that you are finding your home, choosing it from those that you have lived, knowing that now your life will always be where you choose, and that Micheal will be with you wherever you go. The Grandies must have made the trip very up-beat too. Give them hugs from me.

Muttley doing better I pray.

I went through some drawers today, and the bitter with the sweet exhausted me. There in my catch-all drawer in my bedroom were letters and tokens and stubs from concerts and places special to my heart, like the water park Erica and I visited while in Florida. There were mementos from John and My wedding in 1998, and best and most tear producing, was a letter from Erica. In it she wrote about our arguements and how she hopes that I know how much she loves me even when we argue. That she knows that I love her.

This was/is a day to cry, to remember and cry.

[mikesmum]

Dee - That's what exhausts the most, the outpouring of such emotions that are connected to the simpilest things. Notes, pictures, awards and the like are in my memory box. It came into being when I moved here. Programs from school plays, newspaper clippings, ceramic houses, vases from primary school, there are so many. Thankfully I got to put this together before Mike died. The emotions attached are so powerful now - I'm not ready to visit them yet. I know your tears, I can only hope they washover you and you are able to sleep a peaceful memory filled sleep.

Slow day today. Every fibre of my being is aching. PJ's on and some decorative calligraphy is my pace this afternoon.....

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi and Dee: Finding those treasures is truly a bittersweet event...tears for the loss, tears for the memories, tears that there will be no more, and tears of gratitude for what was. Such a mixed block of emotions for our heart to process. The letter you found, Dee, so precious and so heartwarming to have to read. Trudi, your mementos...truly cherished, so glad you got them together before you moved so that you now have them with you always. Trud, I love that you can smell the ocean from your new house...and I love that the grandies were able to share your opening of the door and walking in for the first time, even if you haven't officially moved yourself in yet. Love that you could see the "upsides" of some of the initial problems, the memories of those grandies and Sir Muttley romping through the sand, lightening the work and efforts of the day. It sounds as though you will have a thoroughly peaceful summer, near to what makes your heart rest and feel quieted, feeling closer to Micheal, closer to your memories of that part of your life. And oh yes, the flower park is definitely on the "road trip" map!

Dee, any news from Jon?

Colleen: Cathi has been going through their inspection all this past week...did really well, though, and got kudos from a boss who usually doesn't say much... I hope you get through the audit next week all right, and I am glad you are planning a "mental health day" at the end of it all.

Kathy: I hope all went well at the party tonight...tough to know what I would do in your situation, but I don't know if the friendship would "heal" quickly, if at all...good luck with it.

Betsy: I am glad that your "new/old" place you've moved to sounds good...I think you are a wonder woman to have made that move and transition...our good thoughts go with you.

Sherry: So sorry that you are feeling a bit down...that does seem to go with the changing of the seasons, it seems...and I imagine there are many changes in the landscape where you are to remind you of the end of one and beginning of another. I hope the sun comes out and warms up your heart to help you feel somewhat better.

Cathi and I and Jamie went to the flower park today, as I mentioned earlier. We had a really nice time, even though the clouds did finally roll in and suck up the sun from our walk. It turned out that it was "Fairy House Tour" day, and there were many sweet little girls there, dressed in their Fairy finery...flitting about all over. There were many little fairy houses, nestled in among the flower beds, that had been built at some of the local area elementary schools by the children. They were all so cute and showed lots of imagination. We stopped for lunch and then stopped in a few of the little shops by the docks. We have one shop there that we both like, and neither of us had been there for some time, called "Serendipity." It has lots of little sweet things to look at, and we bought a few things, of course. I found a really pretty heart-shaped stone, that was all shades of blue (my favorite)...very pretty. The pleasantness of the day ended with our going for a cool drink and getting a 1975 penny in the change (Portsmouth, which is where we were, was one of Mike's favorite places to be), and then we stopped to get Cathi's cell phone upgraded. When we got back into the car and she turned it on, the "wallpaper" that was already in place, showed a couple of leaves floating on water, and a red dragonfly (her favorite color of them) flitting over the leaves, across the water...how perfect...

some of the pics from today: ( sure hope they all post)

clouds moving in over the water--

beautiful purple flowers...doesn't the long one look like a thin, long-legged man standing there, fixing something? or am I crazy?

some of the fairy houses...none were bigger than 2 feet high or so...

I think this is called a "never gone" geranium, or something like that...really pretty...

and last but not least, Cathi and I, by the anchor next to the docks

Taking Jamie to the ball game today for his birthday...should be a nice day, supposed to be sunny...and we have really good seats!

Have a nice Sunday, my friends...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

Good morning everyone, still on the snow globe train of thought. A funny memory. After arriving home late one day, Sarah and Rich were probably 13 and 15 years old, it was close to Christmas. I walked in and noticed a snow globe from my ex. Contained inside was a young couple ice skating, decked in Victorian dress. This one is also a music box. I looked at Sarah and Rich and asked, “What happened to my snow globe”? They both looked at me rather nervously and said,” it’s ok Mom, it still works” I replied, “but there is no snow and there is no globe”! I still have it.

Carol, love the pictures. IS there a story behind the “never gone “geranium?

Dee, I hope that you heard from Jon and that all is well. The letter from Erica, a 360. Her words of love coming back around to let you know that she does love you.

Sus, I have thought of what may have become of Rich has he been revived. I did go down that road even though when his g/f went to wake him and tried CPR, when the EMT’s came and did nothing, obvious that he had been gone too long, I still thought of the what if. I think…the g/f said he was breathing when she found him. I don’t believe he was, she wanted him to breath or there may have been some activity, I’ll never know….but that is when I thought of a life such as your friends’ son, for my son. I/we never had to make that decision and I don't believe he would want to hang around. SO very sad for your friend. It brings back the Karen Ann Quinlan case. She lived for many years after being taken off life support.

Lorri, NEPA is North East Pennsylvania. I moved about 160 south east. Very,very different areas. When do you lave for your road trip?

Colleen, so true about the background noise of my life”. Driving helps me too in a way. It allows my mind to clear a bit or on some days, to take in the death of Rich, your smiling Brian for you, to take the thoughts we have in our own silence.

Sherry, thinking of you today (((hugs)))

Today I will be home. Yesterday was spent at the division of motor vechiles.This is just to switch PA license to NJ. I went to one office and was told, “we don’t do that here” I went to the other office..” fill out the form, stand in line” LOOoong line. They needed a 6 point id check. I had with me my PA drivers license, my birth cert, my social security card, a piece of mail to prove my new address. I wasn’t in line long when I realized I was in the wrong line. DMV,” here, fill this form out, take this number and wait for your number to be called”…2 hours later I made it to the front of he next line. The DMV lady…” your PA drivers license and ss card and mail do not match the name on your birth cert”…well, I was married and divorced and kept his name( I wanted to match the kids)….DMV lady..” you need your marriage license, your names have to match”….me, thinking in my head “ WTF”

I went to the mall and had my hair cut. I accomplished something anyway.

[shorty16]

Kathy

I am wondering how your party went last night. Hope it went well - I am sending happiness your way.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Love the story, thanks Betsy. A good day to you after the long lines of yesterday. Looks to be partly sunny here right now, going for a walk.

Jon and Shannon will arrive home at around 1:00 today, we are picking them up from the airport. Jon was able to speak to the docotor yesterday, she took him off all anti-biotics and told him to stay on sudafed and nose spray and she will see him tomorrow to figure it all out. He was much better once he threw up a bunch, but Jon has anxiety issues and he was very worried that something worse might be in the works. So hopefully they had fun last evening.

Trud, yes, put that aching little person to bed and be well. I am happy for you with this new piece of your life.

Carol, love the photos and the place you went. Love the penny and the dragonfly too. Thank you Mike for those. Happy birthday to Jamie.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Friends!

Dee - I'm so glad you saved all those little tidbits that you will treasure forever. If yesterday was a day of crying and remembering, today will be a day of rest and rejuvinating?? That's usually how it works for me. Most of the time, these days, that's how it happens..........in days now instead of moments as it was when she first died. I remember posting about how insane I felt when I got here. I felt like a light switch flicking on and off in rapid succession. It isn't as rapid these days. You promised it would get easier and it did. Odd....in the beginning I prayed for release but felt I was betraying Stephanie when relief came. Grief is such a contradiction. Contradiction or hypocritical.....

Colleen - I've been meaning to ask you how Aaron is doing with Trevor's presence in your home.

Trudi - this is absolutely none of my business and if you don't answer I understand. Please forgive my boldness in asking. Perhaps you've already said and I missed it.....are you moving to the beach house alone? Are you and hubby okay? Such a personal question. I'm ashamed even asking it. I feel so close to all of you I really, really care about your lives.

Rhonda - It wasn't very long ago I walked the very steps you are walking now. It is such a painful time. I was surprised at the intensity as the first year approached. As Dee always says, "Hang on"!

Marcia - Thinking of you as tomorrow fast approaches.

Bonnie - Hoping Pinnacle Days is what you hoped it would turn out to be.

Kathy - I'M also wondering how the party went???

Betsy - I'm with you.. WTF? It's not that difficult to get into Arizona! (Oh...that just cracked me up!)

Well. When my kids were young I had the reputation of being a neat freak. I liked the title. Mariah came home school the other day, laughing as she relayed what she had told her class (and teacher) "We're a messy family. Our house is messy. We're always making a mess."

Well. I had to do something about that and right away . I folded and put away....I washed and dried...I got on my knees and scrubbed along the edges of the baseboards...I dusted the tops of the fans and track lighting...I lit candles...changed sheets...I sorted...threw away...gave away...and filed. I died my hair (I don't know what color it is. The actual color in the box was a different number than was on the box, but I thought "what the heck, be adventurous" - I'm not always the sharpest pencil in the box) I curled my hair that is a cross between grey, blond, green and brown. Like I said, I don't know what color it is, but I looked classy...if I say so myself, and I always do...say so myself, that is. I shaved my legs, put on deoderant and even a tad, just a tad, of perfume. I dressed nice, like I did during my working days and even wore shoes with a bit of a heel to them. I applied lipstick and put on my earrings. I was dressed for success in my unmessy house. We would not be the messy family ever again! Donna Reed here I come!!!

Well.

That was Friday.

Donna Reed got possessed or short circuited. I became the bitch from hell yesterday. "Be afraid. Be very afraid" was the message I relayed with the crazed look in my eyes......

There was places to go, things to do. Another bedroom to paint. Hubby was sick (he really was) kids were uncooperative. Dog was needy. How did I pack so much stuff in one little room? Books, pictures, blankets, memento's, a gun safe. A gun safe!! A huge ugly gun safe that has nothing in it but hubby's marriage decrees and divorce certificates. No money...No jewelry...No valuables what so ever. I give Hubby three choices....we can keep the gun safe, but we're not keeping it in Jonathon's room anymore...so, there are three choices where we can put it. No. He did not tell me where to put it. ... Hubby doesn't like MY three choices of where we can put the gun safe. He wants to put it in his closet. We have a discussion about the safe....why is it so important to him. There's NOTHING in it!!!!

He reminds me of Tim the toolman Taylor as he stresses the importance of having his gun safe. I don't care. Just get it out of Jonathon's room. No I did not tell him where else he could put it. Not yet.

Hubby is VERY sick. Running a fever, achey, throwing up...the whole nine yards. I tell him to go to bed and I'll take care of it. He minds me. Very good.

Huge, ugly, empty gun safe has wheels on it. It moves easily. I wheel it to the living room. Hubby hears me. I comes out and stares at the wood floor I just crossed. Some marks. Not big scratches. Not even noticeable. The man who doesn't notice that his wife's hair is a color not known to mankind all of a sudden has xray vision. "I'll get the two wheeler." He says. Disappointment in the fiber of his being. When did a "dolly" become a two wheeler? Who is the hell calls them two wheelers? Tim the toolman Taylor, that's who!

So the possessed Donna Reed and Tim the toolman Taylor spend 20 minutes trying to launch the huge, ugly, empty gunsafe onto the two wheeler. Gary has me stand behind it and tip it towards myself as he pushes from the other side to try and tip it. He scratches the floor up with his two wheeler more than I ever would have with the heavy box of iron that has become my staunch enemy. The metal wheels on the gunsafe won't allow itself to sit on the two wheeler. It rolls off. Hubby is determined to make it work. We try again.

KABOOM!!!

Down goes wife on her back. I feel the pain in my back as I slam into the wall and hit the floor with full force. I try to block my face as the two wheeler slams into my body with the same force that my body hit the floor. "Are you okay" echo's from my husband and children. Hubby doesn't come to see if I'm okay. He stands a safe distance behind the safe.

I'm hurt. I know it. But, I'm pissed!

"Yes. I'm okay!" I yell as I crawl to my feet and speed the hell out of there. Hubby's life is in danger. He knows it. I know it. I'm not sure if I cried because I was hurt, frustrated or just mad. I took two drags of a cigarette and slowly walk inside. I'm not longer the possessed Donna Reed. I am now the possessed Donald Trump. "YOU'RE FIRED!" is echoing through every painful step I take.

Hubby looks at me tentatively as I approach him.

Between clenched teeth and a voice almost a whisper....with some choice words to forget about the two wheeler and get the safe out of here!

to be continued........................

[ericasmom]

Sus,

I did not know that half of what was in that drawer was there. Had I known or looked years ago, I would have taken many of those items with me to adeposition led by the AMTRAK lawyer, a meeting where we were to bring 35 items from a list to help prove to them, that this CHILD was indeed important to us. That is the way I took it anyhow, they wanted grade reports from school, trophies if there were any, art work from child's life, mementos such as saved cards and letters, all the things that were important to us. I will never forget that day, I had boxes of Eri's life inside, and I unpacked them laying them on a table as though I was reconstructing her years here, in order from earliest memories or events to her last...And I wept for so much that day, especially when I had to put those items back int he boxes, repacking my Girl away. When I went home, I wept for days, I made sounds that we would associate with wild forest creatures, a howling from deep inside, where my soul was ripped away from its base.

These items found yesterday sat innocently enough, out of the way of the spying lawyers, out of the way until I could read them again. i am glad to have found this gold.

Jonathan and Shannon are home, we picked them from the airport and now they are home.

[shorty16]

Marcia

My thoughts are with you today. I know the "official" date is tomorrow, but you and I know today is the day that heaven got a very special angel.

You and Larry are in my heart today

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Trudi-----Your outing with Cathi, to Portsmouth and the Flower Park sounds like a lovely way to spend the day.

Thanks for the lovely pics. They're all so nice. The flowers are so beautiful, and I just love the 'fairy houses' that

the children made. So cute. Cathi's phone showing the red dragonfly must have been a sign from dear Mike---

telling you to have a nice day & enjoy yourselves. Thanks for your kind words. I'm a bit better, but still halfways

in the dark place that we all know too well. Peace to you.

Dee----Your story of going through the drawer with so many of ERi's letters etc. is so touching. I know how you

must have cried so many tears. Though these things bring many tears, we wouldn't trade them for anything.

Oh, that must have been so heart-wrenching........having to show the AMTRAK people all those lovely & private

little mementos.....meant for family, and not for prying eyes of corporate representatives who are there to do

'damage control'. So insulting,........making you 'prove' that ERi was loved and valued as a precious daughter.

So glad Jon & Shannon got back from their trip safely.

Betsy---Thanks for the Snow Globe story.

Susannah------I sure hope you didn't put your back out of place with the gun safe mishap. Things happen so quickly,

and then we pay with injuries. You sure have a way with words, and it shows in the way your describe the incident

with such humor. Anyhow, hope all is well again.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOES.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Love you - but think you have Carol and I mixed. Rightly so though, I'm Trudi - mikesmum. Carol is mikesmomrs. We are so alike! Its Carol and her girl Cathi that were at Portsmouth. I'm moving to the beach, with Micheal's guitar

Dee - So glad your boy is home. One brick off the heart.

Sus - I liken losing a child to being stripped bare with very little being out of bounds. I am moving to the beach with Muttley. The influx of family will follow as my kids gravitate towards 'holiday time'. My other half is staying here in the hills. He works 8 days on 6 off. He says he will visit when he has days off if he doesn't get any over time. I guess once the clouds of grief cleared a little we found we were poles apart with what we wanted in life. I can't go back (though if I could go back to before Jan 07 I would) and he wants the life we once had.

[mikesmum]

Bethany - Fly by your mom and gently touch her cheek with a breeze to let her know you're close by.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-They're hunting whitetail deer in KS. His brother went with him. It's very hot there like it is here, though. If they're not successful, they'll go back in the winter. I hope they don't have to go back because its a very long drive. I hope your back isn't hurt too bad from the great gun safe escapade. We have one in the basement, but its built into the wall and actually holds guns, so its not exactly the same as yours. Donna Reed, Hmm? Pearls and all, or was that June Cleaver?

Dee-I guess I can believe that people can be so insensitive, but sometimes it boggles my mind. I'm so sorry that you had to 'prove' Erica was important to you. I'm glad you found some things that haven't had to be paraded out in the harsh light of the days since she was with you. Good to hear that Jon is home and feeling a little better.

Carol-I love the picture of the clouds moving in. I love to look at the sky especially during storms and at night. I guess I'm a dark person, I love to look at the moon and stars more than the sunlight, except for sunsets. It sounds like a good day.

Betsy-The snow globe story was so cute, I thought maybe they were going to tell you they were sorry for your loss, but I guess if they were acting like you didn't HAVE a loss, they couldn't do that. Glad you at least got a new 'do out of the day wasted at the DMV.

Trudi-Here's to good times at the beach house for you and yours. And that Muttley is going to be fine.

In the spring, there was a storm one Friday night, our elm tree was hit by lightning and a big section fell in the driveway. We had to cut it up and haul it away. Its the tree the swing for my granddaughter is in, we hung it last fall. Its dying now, and I don't think it will make it to next year. I feel sometimes like that elm tree, like I was hit by the lightning bolt and Westley, a big part of my life, died, and we had to bury him and now I'm dying. At least my spirit is dying. Do you ever feel like that, like you died that day, its just taking longer for you than it did for your child? I went to the graveyard this week as always and cried for a while. His best friend brought his baby over to see us today. The baby was born less than 2 weeks after Westley died, six days after Westley's birthday. I think he kind of wanted the baby to come on his birthday, he was pretty excited that they were having a baby. God I miss him. I can't believe sometimes that this is real. Somebody said the other day that it seemed like one big long day since their child died, and sometimes that's so true for me. Just one long, long, nightmarish blur of things happening that don't mean anything much anymore, that somebody is forcing me to live through, even though I'd rather not. If it sounds like I'm not doing that good on my own, it may be true, but I'm really not doing as bad as I thought I might. Tomorrow will be back to the grind, and I mean that in a mostly good way. I can't take off this Monday because our office is pretty small and one of the girls already had a trip planned to celebrate her 50th birthday, but that's okay. I'm ready to get back in the routine, it helps me feel 'normal'. Have a good evening all

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's - I am truely going to have to catch up on postings, I feel as though I am missing so much with all of you. Hopefully tomorrow night I can take time and read the back postings.

How did the party go ?? Well, it was very tough...the first hour we avoided each other but kept glancing across the room at each other. Finally I said enough is enough and I went to her and asked if we could talk and we went outside. I told her how much I missed her and that we really needed to work things out....she replied "I am sure that you took my money, I dicussed it with others and they agree with me but I am putting that in the past, you need help and I want what is best for you, you need to take care of Barry and Tavian because they love you and you are hurting them" Needless to say I was stunned but I looked her in the eye and said "I did not take your money and I will not stand here and defend myself over something I did not do. Yes, I need help but not the kind you are speaking of.....we have been friends for 8 years and I have never done anything to even make you consider that I would do such a thing to you and I certainly did not go out and discuss it with anyone else. The kind of help I need is friends that are true and trusting, not ones that "dicuss" things behind my back and I certainly do not need friends that belive I am a theif".....she then said "Kathy, I love you and I am your friend, that is why I can tell you these things, I just want you to get therapy and be happy !!!!" I told her that I loved her too but things are forever changed between us and she said "everything happens for a reason and I believe this happened so that you can get the help you need and I will be there for you", our friendship may not be the same but maybe it can be better". At that point I said I had to go as I wanted to go pick Tavian up and go home.....she gave me a big hug and said "this will take time but it is all going to be ok" - Well HELL, I don't think so....I did not sleep half the night thinking about what she said and I have decided that I did my best, I tried to talk and nothing I can say or do will convince her that I did not take her money and I do not want a friend that believes that about me. It is going to be hard as we go to many of the same places and have mutual friends, we camp together etc., right now I am too hurt and angry to even think about what the future holds and yes I do believe everthing happens for a reason and maybe this happened to show me what kind of friend she really was to me......Her husband is not upset with me at all, he thinks it is crazy and is angry with her for accusing me (he talked to Barry) but it does not change the fact that she did. Anyway, that was my "how did the party go" night. The next party is a 25th anniversary party that we are both attending, I will not stay away because of her or anyone else, I will hold my head up high and proud and the rest of them can kiss my ASS !!!

Today was a beautiful day - Tavian and I went to the beach, he fished, I read, we stayed about 3 hours and it felt great to be just the 2 of us. Came home and lit a fire, had a cocktail then dinner and now he and Barry are watching a movie together......life is good with my 2 boys.....

I talked with Jessica alot today, I know that she is by my side and that is what keeps me strong.......nothing in this world will ever hurt me the way losing my Jessica did so losing a friend or 2 is nothing to me. I have all of you, Barry, Tavian, Bj and good friends that believe in me and that is all I need.....the only other thing I need is for time to go backwards and give me back my girl but no amount of wishing and crying is going to do that so I go forward with her by my side forever watching over us.

Thank you all for letting me vent, it always makes me stonger to be able to write it and say it ...I love you all. Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, sucks that you are dealing with so insensitive a woman, odd too, that she would actually believe what she is saying. As though she can't imagine losing money, or misplacing it. I want to slap her for saying she loves you but you need help, YES WE NEED HELP WHEN WE LOSE A CHILD! It is she that needs help to understand that you are made different than you once were, and that if she does not want to stand by and be a friend, that is fine, but definitely don't stand by and be a negative force. YIKES!

Rhonda, I like what you said, it feels familiar to me, I am not doing as badly as I thought I would. I know that feeling, like, how the hell am I going to the store after I work all day and how am I smiling at my neighbor and walking my ass off each day still? I think that many feel guilt when they continue doing the daily things they did before life was so deeply altered, but that is all part of it , guilt and finding ways to live in this new place, this colorless and sometimes meaningless place. Then there are days, and they will increase in number, where the meaning of things is more evident, where life does offer you hope and laughter and dreams. The tree analogy is one that I think we can all relate to most definitely. Our roots are still planted, some of them, while others of our roots were destroyed, causing a less secure foundation, a less than feeling running through us. Yes.

It's been a weird weekend, so filled with tears and tired, and also some lovliness too. Very emotional. Full moon coming that is STRONG.

When I had to produce all of those pieces of Eri to satisfy the AMTRAK folks, they actually remarked that I sure did not have much in the way of cards to them or from my kids, and why was that? I think that the look I gave this woman was one of utter hatred. I said, I am showing the things asked for and nothing more, my life and my loss is filled with pain and hurt, and why did she think she could expect more from a grieving momma? Why would I show you all of what Eri and I have shared, how could I and how would it make this sadness any different? She said, " Were you aware that your Daughter was failing her semester at the community college?" And I said "No Maam, my Daughter was an adult and was not obliged to tell me these things and since she paid for her own tuition she was learning to be an independent adult." It was an awful day, and for wahtever reason, it is fresh today.

Sherry, were you feeling very blue recently? Did I miss a post or two ? I hope that you are okay Sweet Friend.

Hey June or Donna, how is the back. I sure know those kinds of injuries. I hope that you are fine, rest though, back stuff is tricky. Ice your back tonight for 20 minutes and if you have ARNICA which is a homeopathic remedy for bruising, take it. Funny story though.

[westleysmom]

Kathy-I just have to say you are a better woman than me. I don't know if I would have been able to restrain the urge to slap her self-righteousness into the next county. I'm so sorry that your friend is so convinced that she is right and throwing away your friendship with both hands. Hugs to you and enjoy your evening with your boys.

Dee-What the blue hell difference would it make if Erica was failing her classes? Did that woman think that would make it better somehow if you knew that, you wouldn't be so torn up about her death? Or that it implied that you didn't really care about her after all if you didn't know? UNBELIEVABLE the things that people think and say or should I say, don't think and say. I hope the memory of those hateful words fades into the meaninglessness that it was to begin with.

Sweet dreams, all my good friends, that take you back in time to when we could see them and hear them and touch them, back to where they are alive and smiling and laughing in our memories and hearts

[lolynbo]

KATHY, IF SHE WAS A GOOD FRIEND SHE WOULD NO YOU WELL ENOUGH THAT YOU WOULDNT TAKE HER MONEY...2ND IF YOU FIND OUT THE "HELP" YOU NEED LET US ALL NO...MUST BE SOME MAGICAL PILL SHE HAS UP HER ASS CUS WERE TO DUMB TO NO HOW TO GET HELP.....GEEZZZZZ SHE NEEDS HELP....MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL HELP HER....

Lorri, NEPA is North East Pennsylvania. I moved about 160 south east. Very,very different areas. When do you lave for your road trip?

WE LEAVE FRIDAY GONNA BE A LONG DRIVE BUT LOOKIN FWD TO IT OUR SHIP SAILS MONDAY 27TH OUR 19TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY DATE..

WENT TO OKC STATE FAIR TODAY DIDNT STAY LONG TOO HOTT...WE ATE DINNER AND CAME HOME BUT I DID GET TO SEE KIMY AND CODY FOR A BIT....ALL IN ALL IT WAS A NICE DAY

[heartbeataway]

Pinnacle Days was amazing! Rich and I are exhausted and energized all a the same time! Our hearts were full all weekend .......

The sun was shining, the food was great and everyone seemed to have a good time!

Dan and Mary Hand came for Saturday. We were honored by their visit and I really enjoyed meeting them ..... they even did the Pinnacle Caravan to the top of the mountain with us!

I'm attaching a few photos. There are more on my Facebook site if anyone is interested.

Love ( or A-16 ) to all.

[rlolheiser]

Hello my friends,

I have been feeling like crap the last two days. It has been tough, sore throat, cough.. I think everybody has been sharing.. I think mom gave it to me, between her and the school kids.

Ouch.. Susannah.. Ihope you didn't injure your back ..or anything else.. but your story made me smile.. I used to think I could have made a good Donna Reed.. but my house says different.. I feel like I am lucky to get the laundry, dishes, and beds made. Anyway.. thanks for sharing..

Yep Coleen.. snow.. I hated it.. but the kids had a blast. I melted by noon, but nonetheless it was a cold day. Still is cold, the wind is blowing through my house now. I am not looking forward to winter.

Betsy thank you.. it is tough with mom, but I keep telling myself I am lucky that I have this time, I know I will miss some of these very much.

Dee, my heart reaches out to you.. I know how I feel when I find something of JaBoa's.. it is a treasure but hurts at the same time. I am glad that Jon made it home ok, it gives a little peace.

Kathy, I am at a loss of how your friend is handling things. I don't think I could have stood up with as much grace as you have. It is hard to understand how a friend can do things like that, I have one of 20plus years that just totally turned on me, and I still can't figure it out.. but I have to admit, I found out I didn't need that friend.

Rhonda, I read everybody's posts and see myself in a lot of situations. Your tree thought is so true, life changed.. and part of me left that day of the accident.. sometimes it scares me cause my oldest daughter tells me I changed to much. I try to adjust myself and get the old me back, but I don't have the laughter, I used to, not even with all the kids.. they miss the old me and I don't know to be her full time.

I know I am missing somebody.. just can't get my head together anymore.. I wish you all a good nights sleep.. I hope I am heading there now..

[briansdad]

Bonnie your a very lucky person having people who still want to celebrate your son.Over the years the friends and family have dwindled away.Also I'd like to hang the flags at golf tournament.

Pinnacle Days was amazing! Rich and I are exhausted and energized all a the same time! Our hearts were full all weekend .......

The sun was shining, the food was great and everyone seemed to have a good time!

Dan and Mary Hand came for Saturday. We were honored by their visit and I really enjoyed meeting them ..... they even did the Pinnacle Caravan to the top of the mountain with us!

I'm attaching a few photos. There are more on my Facebook site if anyone is interested.

Love ( or A-16 ) to all.

[Guest msnher]

I'm not done reading, yet, but I have to say this before I explode....WHO THE HELL DOES AMTRACK THINK THEY ARE? What kind of people are able to pull that kind of evil, mean spirited crap...even if it's their job? They should have been bending over backwards to GIVE you whatever they could!!! Damn, damn, damn them!!! And, you have to prove she was important to you!? Well, what if she wasn't? What if she was a nameless, homeless, Jane Doe with no ties? Would that have made her life LESS valuable!? Argh!!! WTF!!?? Triple argh!!!! To do that to a grieving mother!!! And, not just do that to any grieving mother..........they did that to our Dee!!!! Maybe they need to know how important you are to us!!!!!!

I won't tell them............but, oh how I'd like to!!! I want to kick their shallow asses!!!

I have to go calm myself down. I will........calm down....but right now I want to meet those people!! This is a story for Oprah or Nancy Grace or somebody.....They owe you an apology!

Trudy...I'm sorry and I understand and I'm glad you have your beach house and I wish things were different for you and we all know there is no way they can be....different.

Dee - I cried in empathy as I read your words of howling from the deepest part of your soul. When Stephanie died, and the house was full of friends and family, Mariah asked me why adults hold their tummies and make that sound when somebody dies.....I'm still pissed at Amtrack. I believe I will boycott them. I may even start a petition. Well....I don't ride Amtrack....but, I have and it's been one of mine and Gary's dreams to go on a train trip. Won't happen. Not now!! Damn them to hell! (not really, mind you.....just in theory...damning them to hell, I mean)

Dear, sweet Rhonda. I'm so sorry you have to walk through this. Yes. I felt as if I died. Every painful breath I inhaled without my consent pierced my very soul. When I finally went to the doctor I would not have been surprised if they didn't find a heartbeat.

Keep writing....keep talking to us....for me, it was my only salvation.

Okay. I'm going to go back and finish reading.....

Oh.. I, too, am hoping I haven't hurt myself too badly. My body hurts too badly for me to find a comfortable position laying down. I didn't sleep at all last night and right now, 2:40am, it seems tonight might follow suit. It can't be too bad because I managed to get a lot done today. Jonathon's room is almost finished. And, the huge, ugly, empty gun safe is now in it's final resting place! No. Not there... ...Hubby survived the ordeal. I still like him. How I wish you all had a partner in your life like the one I have. He truly is magnificant. Sometimes a bit anal when Tim the toolman Taylor comes out, but even those "defects" have become qualities about him that I love...except the other day.....

Susannah/ Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

BETHANY.......WE STILL WEEP FOR YOU. YOUR MOMMA MISSES YOU SOMETHING FIERCE! PLEASE SEND HER A SIGN....A SIGN SHE WILL RECOGNIZE. AND, PLEASE HUG HER. WE ALL WOULD, BUT WE ARE SO FAR AWAY AND YOU ARE CLOSER TO HER LOCATION. WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT THERE, AREN'T YOU? MAKE HER KNOW THAT! I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU, BETHANY....I JUST WANT TO BE HEARD. RESPECTFULLY, OF COURSE. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

[mysonrich]

Bethany.........

Bethany..............

Bethany...............

[nicksdad]

Thinking of you today and everyday

[ericasmom]

BETHANY you Beautiful ANGEL, Kiss your Momma and Poppa today and cause that gentle breeze that cannot be mistaken for anything else but YOU!