Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

HAD ME A LIL MELTDOWN AT THE CEMETERY...REALIZED I WILL NEVER REALLY TRULY BE HAPPY AGAIN...

[ericasmom]

Lorri Dear

I think something in the air is causing so much ache, it is spring adn the rebirth all around is a constant reminder to the losses we have suffered. This is the weather that saw our Kids outdoors and happy to be in shirtsleeves, the birds are singing, the flowers are growing, and here we are putting those flowers on gravesites.

Lor, if you vow to never be happy, you will never be happy, though I get it, know what you are saying, but if you believe it, you will not allow happiness to crawl inside of you again, and I cannot think of anything more sad for your Kourt. She would absolutely hate that her death has left you unable to sustain happiness. I am not trying to lay guilt on you, you know that right? I am just saying that while your old life will never be, there is a life to build for you, you have to be the one to pick up the tools. They are in you. think of all the ways you have encouraged your children over theyears, to learn, to be their best, to face their fears, and here you are, the student now. Listen to the lessons you taught and step into the day willing to learn a new way to be happy. I believe that you will find a way Lorri. I do.

dee

[mysonrich]

I never thought I would cry at the Master’s but, I did. The story behind the winner, the struggle, heartache makes the win so much more deserving somehow.

Dee, what a great time you had at the show. Your girl lives on.

Carol, faucet’s are like granola bars. There are 4 million to choose from. Funny the places we run into people we know. Did you take a walk to the patio furniture department , sit down and have a chat?J

Betty, hope you are well.

Susannah, I like the story of Stephanie’s life in pictures.

Lorri, hugs. (((( ))))

Kathy, can’t help much with wise words . Could I ever? Ha ha My friend committed suicide 4 years ago and the SOB actually stopped by to say good-by. I just didn’t know it at the time. SO so many questions, again. I’m sorry for your friend.

Trudi, I think Rich’s car sit’s there because she wants him to come home and drive it again. I don’t really know. I know they were in love and when we lay blame, me on her, her on me, the ex on whom ever…Rich’s death destroyed life as we knew it. It can never be the same. He was the glue that held our fragmented parts together. He was sweet, kind, wise beyond his years. And his sister was his friend. I told them once when they were fighting like cats and dogs in their early teen’s that someday they would be the best of friends. Some siblings never know that as young adults, old adults. They did and for that I am thankful because they are both very special people.

Well, my brain has been thinking a lot lately. What are words to the song by Zeppelin,” you can go back but there is still time to change the road you are on“. something like that.

Indigos, have a good night.

Betsy,mysonRich

[summergirl]

Hello to all.

Thank you for your sweet thoughts on my friend Lori. She is hanging tough. Me not so much as it brings back so much.....the meltdaown helped but another one this morning as Barry and I stood outside watching our new tiy fish swim in the pond, just became overwhelmed standing in the beautiful sunshine, warm temps...my girl is not here to stand beside me, laugh with me, I want a hug from her so badly it hurts physically....

Lorrie - meltdowns are good for the heart and mind...they can be diffacult to deal with but without them where would we be ???  The intense build up of pain and longing need to be released so have at it when ever the need arises....missing our child never gets better, only softer.....

Barry is doing very well....he will be on the liquid diet for another week and then onto soft foods for 2 weeks and then back to a new healthy way of eating. He is hanging in there quiet well considering the way he used to eat...although as he was eating his no fat, no sugar yogurt he looked at me and said "does this look like a big juicy steak and some french fries" - we both had to laugh...at least he has not been grumpy so that is a very good thing...He has lost 30 pounds as of last Wednesday so I am not sure how much more he has lost more yet.  He goes back for a check up on Thursday.

Tavian has his first baseball practice tomorrow night so you all know that I will be posting pics asap !! 

Much love to all, peace and sweet dreams.

[Guest]

Thanks, Betsy! 

Bonnie - My heart goes out to E!  And bless you for being able to give her love and stability. 

Kathy - I'm keeping you and your friend's family close in thought and heart.  Excited for Barry.  Rooting for Tavian!

Gary and I took the kids to church.  I actually liked it.  I also went to the Holistic fair.  Very good energy all around.

Love and peace to all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[debbief]

 Morning everyone, I am here at work and always looking at this site in between my calls, keeps me going through the day and helps me with those little moments I get

I am starting to feel a little wobbly as my daughter Lucy my granddaughter Summer and a friend of Lucy's are flying over to see Lucy's father who lives in Singapore, they are going this Thursday 15th coming home on the 25th.  Sam usually would be with Lucy so is going to be strange for her and another mile stone to cross for us all. I am starting to worry about their safety and yes I would before but this time knowing they will be out of the Country and away from me is making me feel quite nervous and weepy again. I just hope that this is not what I have to feel everytime they go away now! I just can't bear the thought of Lucy and Summer not being close by!

Does this get better or does the worry increase with each journey and each separation? Had a bit of a weepy day yesterday, have come off my anti-depressants because I don't like the feeling of calmness, I don't feel comfortable with feeling like I can cope without my Sam, not ready for that yet!

You all are so brave and caring, and some of the stories are so sad but the strength that comes from this site is incredibly, thank you so much.  Hope you all have a good day!

The weather here has been beautiful for once which does make me feel better and have actually been doing the garden!!

Debbie (Sammy's mum)

[braydensmom]

Here is all my wonderful friends and family that were at the balloon release

[Guest]

Amanda - A wonderful display of support and honor for you and your little angel!

I don't have much to share.  Just checking in and wishing you all peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Debbie

Boy, can I relate to worry!!!

My son, AJ and I, are going on a cruise June 26 thru July 3. I am so paranoid he will: Fall over the edge, get kidnapped, mugged, robbed, etc.  It is crazy.

We all now know the worst can happen to us.  It is hard to not worry - you are as normal as I am!?!?!?!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[heartbeataway]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Bonnie Said:  "and eventually, again, over time, we will not feel the guilt we felt when we first heard our own laugh again…"

Colleen, the above words are Carol's.  I was quoting her.

[ericasmom]

Hey Everyone, my friend Marion has a friend that makes angels and has a cute website to show what she makes. I asked her friend, Cynthia, if I could post her site here for all of you and she said she would be honored.

So here it is, angels of all kinds;

http://cyndylounsbury.com

[mpsmom]

Dee, these angels are amazing.  Thank you for sharing.

[daveydow1]

Hello to everyone at BI. So good to see the smiling faces of all our ANGELS.

I must apologize to any and all who may have replied directly to me, since

this dialup connection is very unsatisfactory, (slow, and erratic) so it is very difficult to

reply.  I may soon cancel it. So.... I may not be on BI again for awhile, (unless I get to

 a library to use their computers).  I may be able to get a sattelite connection in due

 time. So, I will say goodbye for now......AGAIN.,

Take care ......and PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL MY FRIENDS AT BI.

             Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Guest]

Sherry - Keeping you and both your angels close in heart and mind...until we "see" you again.. 

Fear of the future based on the past.  Boy do I understand it!  Once we've experienced the "worst" it's hard to accept the best.  I used to think every man was a child molester and every woman was weak.  I overcame that.  I still have a hard time allowing my grandchildren out of my sight.  They were taken from me once before.  It might happen again.  And then again, it might not.  So...I'm working at trusting......after doing a background check.  LOL  Actually, that's not too far from the truth.

And, getting the call that someone has died.  There was 18 years between the time my brother-in-law drowned and my other nephew killed himself, but it seemed like 18 days.  There was another 18 years between the time he killed himself and Stephanie died....but, again, it seemed like 18 days.

Now, my choice is to live the next 18 years in terror or in joy.  And, if something happens to deal with it then.  Not easy for me.  One day last week I begged Gary to miss his morning walk because panic struck.  He was wonderful and stayed home.  I almost held him captive when he had to go out of town last week, too.  I didn't.  Instead I sat in my grieving chair and waited to either get the news he had been killed or wait for him to walk through the door.  I almost burst into tears when he walked through the door.

My point is, I don't want to live in fear and paranoia.  Yes, bad things happen.  But, so do good things.  I don't want to miss the good things.  I think it takes time to walk through it.  Like Colleen.......be afraid, but go on the cruise anyway! 

Perhaps it's the surprise or shock when tragedy strikes.  Maybe it's feeling like if we're prepared, if only a little bit, it won't hurt so badly.  That's not true, of course.  It hurts just as bad if we're prepared as it does when we're not.  We just have a lot more productive hours when we don't "wait for it".

Easier said than done.  If I could only practice it myself!

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello to all,

Susannah - well said my friend, well said.

Amanda...beautiful balloon release..

Dee - will check out the Angel site when I am done posting. Thank you.

Debbie - I relate to your fear of being away from your family....it is so diffacul as it is so much more on your mind after the loss of a child, yes we all worried before but not like I do now. When Tavian is with his other grandmother I can actually make myself physically sick just thinking about all of the things that could happen to him and I am not with him. I worry about Barry whenever I know he is on a job, he is an electrician, licensed and experienced but I worry anyway. It has gotten a bit better but never goes away. The one thing I do know is that no matter how much I worry and get upset I cannot change what will be.....how much we wish we could change what was and what will be but it is not in our hands so we must do what we have to do to get through it....breathe in, breathe out.

Tavian is home and a very happy little boy and I must say happy mi-mi and pop-pop. He had a good time at grandma's he said,

Another beautiful sunny day here, it feels so good after what seemed like such a long winter..

To all indigo's - always on my mind, always in my heart.

Peace and love to all....Kathy

[summergirl]

First butterfly this year...it was beautiful, dark brown with dark blue spots. I love butterflies...

[summergirl]

First baseball practice tonight...he did great. Jessica is smiling

[summergirl]

I will tell you about this after I see if it post's...

[summergirl]

The picture below is a booklet that came home in Tavian's back pack tonight. There was a note with it that said this:

Dear Tavian, Your mommy was in second grade, the same grade you are in when she made this book about my daughter. They were buddies. It is very special and I want you to have it because you are a very special little boy. Love, Mrs. Farrell

Mrs. Farrell is Tavian's teacher.  I think I stopped breathing as I took it out of his back pack as I had no idea what it was. I read the note and then read the book, the tears slowly rolling down my face.    It is so special to me that I am at a loss for words. What a beautiful thing for his teacher to do and to have saved it all these years means to me that it was meant to be, she was meant to be his teacher and this book was meant to be handed to him....I will treasure it always....to be given something that Jessica wrote in the second grade...wow....my heart is full. Bless all teachers.....

[lolynbo]

BIZZY DAY GOT UP EARLY AND DROVE TO OKC..TO GET RENTAL AND DROPPED OFF MY CAR AT THE AUTO BODY PLACE...THE WENT TO EAT AT RED LOBSTER AND THEN WENT TO THE HOSP TO SEE BRENT AND CARLEY...ALL IS WELL THERE...THEN BEAT IT HOME TO GO TO COUNCELING AT 6.

IT WAS ME, MONTY, MY, MOM, AND KIMBERLY AND REGAN (KOURTNEYS NURSE) ALL THAT ATE AT RED LOBSTER....WAS GREAT TIME TO CHAT ABOUT KOURTNEY AND ALL WE WENT THRU...

REGANS ARTICLE IS PUBLISHED IN THE MMAGAZINE AND I GOT MY COPY TODAY...DEMISIONS OF CRITICAL CARE NURSING...I CLD PROB POST THE ARTICAL IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED..IN THE MAG...OUR NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED  (SO IM HANNAH)...LOL

[lolynbo]

A GIRL JUST POSTED THIS ON FB

AMAZING... I almost had a wreck yesterday in my husbands truck, and there is no humanly way possible that I should have been able to drive out of it.... my husband was clear on the other side of town with my 3 year old son when this was about to happen... and my son started saying Papa Parnell over and over... later that night he asked my why Papa ... Parnell was driving his daddys truck today, I asked him again what he said and he said the same thing.. I asked him who told him that Papa Parnell was driving daddys truck he said Papa Parnell told me... My son is 3 years old and my daddy has been in Heaven with Jesus for 10 years now... I know for sure now that ANGELS DO exist... Thank you Lord!

[aim630]

Kathy-How wonderful Tavian's teacher saved that book Jessica wrote. That must have made your day.

Lorri-thanks for posting what you read on Facebook. I'm always looking for stories that help prove there is an afterlife. Sometimes I'm just not sure, but stories like that make me believe there is.

Went to the Cleveland Indians home opener with my daughter Katie. Too bad they lost (and we had horrible seats), but imagine our surprise when we open the program and see a picture of Ashley & Katie, and the article about the essay I wrote. I had no idea they were putting it in the program.

I am almost out of my prescription of Zoloft. I am going to try going without it and see if I'll be able to sleep.

Goodnight to all, thinking about all of you.

[briansdad]

Brian'a baby Alyssa had her first softball game ever tonight.She was 2 for 2. How is it that something so good should hurt so bad. He should be watching her here and not from heaven.

[ericasmom]

Amy, what a shock to see your Daughters and the essay, and what a gift. HOw very special. SOrry that they lost, and that the tickets were not better. They really should give good seats to winners of those seats. But I know that Your Daughters both were with you, sharing time at the game they love with their Mum. I hope that it was as nice there today as it was here for the CUBS opener, which they won. HOORAY, go CUBS. They don't usually win their home opener, and it usually is quite rainy and cold, but today was picture perfect outdoors.

Kathy, what a most fabulous and heart-filling event for that teacher to give that to Tav, and I so believe that indeed this teacher's connection to both Tavian and Jess was super special to her as well as to you and Tav. Wow, some things are kismit, supposed to be. Kes-ka-sey.

Lorri, I believe in children being the most able to communicate from those who are spirits in our lives. Without any of the boundaries taught him/her, they are innocents to the contacts, that guy said he was grandpa and I saw photos of my grandpa, and I saw him driving the truck...We are all here living our lives, God help us live them very well, let us make you proud and all of our Angels proud.

Sherry, I will miss your being here but I sure understand the frustration of dial up. Good luck getting a satellite.

My heart,

dee

[nicksdad]

kathy...That is so amazing that the teacher did that for you and Tavian....Wow...6:30 in the morning...tired and reading that makes me feel awake....I'm sure that teacher has no idea how much that could mean to you both...

Greg...That is great about Alyssa....I can see you sitting there all excited and still all those thoughts....I am glad for her...

[briansdad]

Dee, GO CARDS!!!! sorry.

 

Greg

[Guest]

Good Morning Indigo's,

Lorri- Thank you for posting the miracle story.  Another validation that this life is not all there is.

Kathy How thoughtful of that mother to give that booklet to Tavian.  Love the picture of him "up to bat".

 Because of the weather, outdoor sports won't begin here for another month or two.  I am so ready for summer so I can complain about how hot it is!  My daffodils are in full bloom.  They bloom at this time every year.  They only last a couple of weeks and we seem to get a huge snowfall that destroys them each year.  My Iris's are showing their "green".  The deer and/or bunnys and squirrels at all my tulips.  I have one or two that survived.  In the past I have planted hundreds of petunia's because they are so pretty, but I don't think I will this year.  I'm looking for more perenials....or annuals.  I get them mixed up.  The one's that come back each year.  I'm thinking of just throwing some wildflower seed down and see what happens.

Wishing you all a lovely, peaceful day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[debbief]

Hi Amy just wanted to say that I have seen a few Mediums, one I see at regular intervals and each time I have had my Sam come through very strongly he always gives some evidence that it is him and can only be him with what I have received.  Once my daughter went to see one and Sam told her to tell me that he knows I keep his shoes by my doors and that he wanted me to try and move some to move myself on with my life, well I keep 2 pairs by my front door and one pair by my back door, he has also told me what happened with his accident as I did ask him before I went.  I have the details and knew basically what had happened but after the Medium telling me why Sam had had it, well it was just as I had expected of him.  Several times I have been told that he is with a little dog who follows him everywhere, we had a little Pug called Donny that Sam and Lucy loved, he died about 5 years ago.

The first Medium I saw 8 days after the accident asked if Sam wore a watch, well I had forgotten about the one he asked me to buy him Xmas 07, my head was all over the place at the time, I was told by the Medium that I would find it.  After going home I saw the watch on Sam's wrist in a photo and remembered it, he didn't always wear it, so I looked in the places he usually left it and couldn't find it, posted a notice on Facebook and asked the Police to check his car.  The Police came back with his belongings in his sports bag but no watch I was told.  After a few days I decided to look through his bag as it was open, checked the main section and then the side pockets and in one of them there was his watch with not a scratch on it, I was elated.  Lucy then went to another Medium and was told that Sam wanted me to know that he knew I sat on his bed wearing his T shirts talking to him and that I had found his watch!!  These are just a snippet of what I have been told and each time I come away feeling I have spoken with him, it really has helped me and Know one day we will be reunited again.  I have always believed in the Afterlife, I just wish Sam had not had to leave us so early.  Hope this helps a little, all I advise is that if you want to go make sure it's what you really want to do, as sometimes it doesn't always work, although that has not happened to me yet! Sam seems to be waiting for us each time, my Medium said last Feb just after his birthday that when he got home he could feel the excitement in the air 2 hours before I arrived with Lucy.

Take Care ~ Debbie (Sam's mun) x

 

[lolynbo]

http://journals.lww.com/dccnjournal/Fulltext/2010/03000/A_Personal_Reflection__A_Letter_to_Grace.10.aspx

THE LINK TO THE ARTICAL IF YAL WOULD LIKE TO READ IT

[briansdad]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

http://journals.lww.com/dccnjournal/Fulltext/2010/03000/A_Personal_Reflection__A_Letter_to_Grace.10.aspx

THE LINK TO THE ARTICAL IF YAL WOULD LIKE TO READ IT

Lorri,

I don't know if I could have lived through that. Brian was gone in a blink.No pain, no lingering hope.Losing him was so terrible but I don't think I could have watched him waste away. I think you and all your family will have a special place in heaven for having to live through that.

Greg

[Guest]

Food for thought...letter to my sisters...

 

Not much to report.  There is a "soft"knot in my gut and throat as I reflect Stephanie's birth and life.  Until her teenage years, she brought so much joy into my life.  She did from her teen age years on, too, except she also brought turmoil and worry.  Just below the surface is the "sweet sorrow" of her death.  It is impossible to think about her death without thinking about the power of God.  Sadness intermingled with gratitude.  In the big book, on the 11th step, we are taught to "not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection." (pg 86) 

I allow myself to feel the grief, but am schooling myself to take control of my thoughts and focus on the miracle of life.  Death is such an ominous word.  The word has come to symbolize grief, finality (is that a word?).  When in reality death is no more than rebirth.  It is a change.  It is not an end, but a beginning. 

I often wonder if I'm in a state of denial because I don't allow myself to spend a lot of time reliving August 9th.  In the beginning I was powerless to take myself away from that day.  Even the huge manifestations meant little to me in light of the fact my daughter was "gone".  Today those manifestations are more powerful and mean more to me than I am able to articulate.

This remains the most painful, yet powerful and spiritual experience of my life thus far.  There is no way to walk through the death of a child without acknowledging the power of God.  I am more powerless over Stephanie's death than my alcoholism.  I either have to surrender to His will and accept what is or I will be ultimately destroyed by the sheer force of my grief. 

Well, thanks for listening as I process myself outside of myself. 

[ericasmom]

Lorri, please tell Regan that her article about Kourtney, about all of you is wonderfully full of heart and ache and love. I am crying, my students are in music. Oh Lor, I know that what you went through is way beyond anyone's comprehension, but Regan helps paint the facts of the lives of many, and in doing so, will help others understand the pain.

Greg, you and I must have posted at the same time last night, so I am here. Good for your Grandgirl, playing baseball, and while he isn't in person at the games, he is definitely there in spirit, cheering. Go TEAMS. So glad to see your Brian's face and Dan to see your Nick's face.

Love,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  I read the article about your precious Kourtney and the wonderful gift of her nurse, Regan.  Much of it was blurred with tears and had to be reread.  Not only was Regan a gift to your family, but your family, and especially, Kourtney, were gifts to her, as well.  I know that Kourtney is smiling at all of you.  Thank you for sharing with us this lovingly written article, your beautiful daughter and your family.  I can understand even more why you feel so strongly that Kourtney passed from this earthly plane in a state of peace and surrounded with love...she did, she did.   She was passed gently and lovingly through their hands into the waiting and loving arms of God..  Greg's statement:  "I don't know if I could have lived through that."  I understand that completely...even though Mike also died of brain cancer...we knew from the get-go...it was fatal.  Having to watch Kourtney all those months, living with the hope that she would return to you, the pain you all went through, as Greg said, you all have a special place in heaven, right beside your beautiful Kourtney.   My heart holds you close. 

Sherry:  I hope that you are able to get cable service somehow, but meantime we will truly miss you...meantime, enjoy your beautiful new place to live, and holding you and your sweet babies in our hearts always, and sending blessings to you.

Dee:  Thank you so much for sharing the link to the angels made from "parts."  Of course, my instant gravitation was to the "ump."  lol

Susannah:  "It hurts just as bad if we're prepared as it does when we're not.  We just have a lot more productive hours when we don't "wait for it"."  You are so right on, Sus.  Knowing from the start that Mike was terminal was tough...but we also knew that we had to make use of that time, no matter how long, we had to set our fears and sorrow aside and spend each day, each moment, living and finding joy and surrounding him with love and care...we truly had to live each moment as if it was his last, because we knew it could be, and eventually, it was.  We truly appreciate your "introspective" posts, Sus, don't ever think that we don't...you are a gift to us, as all here are, each in their own way.   

Kathy:  the booklet that his teacher gave to tavian, what a wonderful gift!!!  What a wonderful teacher!  Thank you for sharing the pics...Tavian looks great at bat!  Hope Barry is feeling even better...thinking of him.  

Amy: I love that you saw the picture of the girls in the program...sorry that you had terrible seats, though.  But being at Opening Day, win or lose, is such a treat, I am sure the good memories will eventually outweigh those that were not so good.    Greg:  You go, Alyssa!  2 for 2!  Sign her up!!!    The joy of seeing Alyssa at her first game, tempered by the sorrow of Brian's not being there...we understand, as we too have experienced much of this...Mike's oldest will start high school in September...one of the first things Mike said on learning that his cancer was fatal---"I won't be here when my boys are in high school."  And he cried.  And we cried with him.  And we cry again.  Of course, as Dee said, they are there...it is just so hard to not be able to reach out and touch them.   

We went to Ralph's urologist yesterday...it seems we are in limbo and will be for a bit...they need to do a kidney function comparison test to determine their next step.  If the "bad" kidney is carrying the bulk of the kidney function, then new directions will come into play...in other words, we already know that the kidney functioning is compromised (not as good as it should be), and if the good kidney is functioning at 30% and the bad one is 70%, then they will have to think twice and three times about taking out the bad one, even if it is cancerous---which may be (the removal of the kidney) the only way they have of knowing 100% sure that it is cancer).  It is very confusing, and right now we are just trying to take one day at a time, difficult even on a good day.  We very much appreciate your prayers and thoughts as we travel this roller coaster leading to we don't know where.   

 Hoping that all have a good day, filled with sunshine, or at least a good memory to brighten the day.  It was 30 degrees when we woke up this morning, and now it is 70!  Thinking of you, Betsy, Betty, Claudia, Beth, Bonnie, Mary ann, Trudi, Amanda---thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of all your loved ones showing support for you at Brayden's balloon release...Marcia...and all those I haven't mentioned...thinking of all Indigos, and sending love and strength.   love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Lorri - What a somber, sober, intense article.  My heart aches for you and I am also grateful you have so much to hold onto with Kourtney.  Kourtney's closet, the article..but most of all the love she generated in her life and in her death.  The nurse captured Kourtney's determination and personality through such a difficult process.

Thank you for sharing such a difficult journey!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

Lorri,

I don't know if I could have lived through that. Brian was gone in a blink.No pain, no lingering hope.Losing him was so terrible but I don't think I could have watched him waste away. I think you and all your family will have a special place in heaven for having to live through that.

Greg

GOSH YAL MADE ME CRY...YOU FELT OUR PAIN THE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER OF HOPES AND THEN BEING SMASHED LIKE A ROSE PETAL IN THE WIND....JUST GONE...I REALLY THOUGHT THRU THE WHOLE THING SHE WOULD COME HOME...I REALLY DID...BUT WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WOULD I HAVE BEEN IF I HAD GIVN UP ON MY GIRL?...SHE DIDNT GIVE UP...SO WHY WOULD WE?...

THANKS GUYS

[briansdad]

This is so true.

[align=center]Making the decision to have a child is momentous.[/align]

[align=center]It is to decide forever to have your heart[/align]

[align=center]go walking around outside your body.[/align]

[align=center]                                       

                                              ~ Elizabeth Stone[/align]

[debbief]

This is the last picture of my Sammy and his sister Lucy taken a few months before, my Lucy flies out to Singapore this Thursday to see her father and I feel myself slipping into a downward mood.  I read all your stories and they are all so heart wrenching and we all have that empty ache and void in our lives, is this all we have for now? I know I have not been on this journey for long but I don't know if I can do this for years to come, so sorry to be so miserable some of you have had worst things to contend with.

Off to bed now to start yet another day, I must be thankful for that. x

[briansdad]

Here's B's baby giving that ball a ride.

[summergirl]

Hello all Indigo's,

Yes, Tavian's teacher has a very special place in my heart. Tavian and I will make her a special thank you card on the computer and give it to her. I cannot tell you what it meant to me, it feels as though a little piece of my heart was given back to me...the funny thing is that most people would never understand the intense feelings you get when something like this happens....only we, having lost a child could possibly understand .    Yes Dee - meant to be, I believe the reason Tavian's teacher kept that for this many years is so it could be given to us. Kes-Ka-Sey !!!!

Greg - you said it perfectly....as I stood there watching Tavian have his little league practice I was over come with thoughts of Jessica just as you watched Alyssa and your thoughts of sweet Brian.     Gone in the blink of an eye - wow - how true, I do not know if I could have done what some here have done either...there is a special place.

Dan - I am not sure if Tavian's teacher knows what a gift she gave us but I am sure gonna let her know.

Lorrie - what can I say, beautiful, tearful, wonderful....thank you so much. Love ya girl friend...

Debbie - you are not being miserable and no one here is going through anything worse than you are....you lost your beloved son, what could possibly be worse than that. No matter what anyone says to me I believe the loss of a child is the worst pain anyone will ever feel. When I lost my little brother 8 years ago it hurt so bad and I remember telling my mom and dad "I know how you feel" - I was one of those stupid people who said stupid things.....when I lost my Jessica and my mom called me from so far away I remember the first thing I said to her was "I didn't know mom, I didn't know"....We talk often Billy and Jessica and we both say "it is good to have each other as we both know but we hate that we do".  You take it slowly my friend, as one special person said "there are many layers of grief" - I for one belive that I will be shedding the layers for the rest of my life. It will get softer, you will find some peace with yourself and what has been and what will be.  I call this "life after my Jessica".....the life I had before she left us is no more.  Bless you.

Barry is doing so good but today was a bit shaky so he had a bit of mashed potatoe with a touch of butter....he savored it - ha ha - he said he felt much better after eating it and he only had about 2 tablespoons with a half cup of soup !!! I am so proud of him, he is down 2 pant sizes so soon we will have to go buy new clothes.

Another beautiful day.... Tavian is playing quietly in his room and bed time soon.

Love to all, peace and sweet dreams. Kathy

[summergirl]

Greg - Great pic of Alyssa - she looks to be quite the slugger !!!!

Tavian holding down first base...he loves playing first base and short stop..

[aim630]

Lorri-that story Regan wrote about Kourtney made me cry. I am glad you found such a wonderful, caring nurse to help take care of Kourtney. I understand to some extent the roller coaster you were on while she was in the ICU. I remember watching the monitors and being scared when the numbers weren't where they should be, and I was sure Ashley would make it home too. Even when she had been code blue for over an hour, they revived her heart 2 or 3 times, only for a few minutes at a time, I never gave up hope until the doctor finally said there was nothing more they could do.

It is horrible that we have all lost our children, whether it was suddenly or over time.

Dee-The tickets we had yesterday (at opening day) were not the ones we won. I bought them for Katie for a Christmas present. At the time, I almost bought Ashley one too, but I did not know how the weather would be, and if she would be up to it. The tickets we actually won are better, and since they are free I'm not complaining! It was great to see Ashley's picture in the program, although bittersweet.

Debbie-I appreciate what you said about the medium. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but it gives me hope you were able to have some communication with your son. I went to Catholic school for 8 years, and always had strong faith. I guess I just never expected to lose my daughter at such a young age (of course no one does). If I knew for sure she was ok and in a better place it would ease my pain a little bit.

Carol-prayers to you and Ralph. Hope you can continue to enjoy the sunshine while you wait for some answers.

Goodnight to all, must file my taxes (last minute procrastinator).

Amy/Ashley's mom

[briansdad]

SAFE @ HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ericasmom]

Long day so I won't stay on, so tire, but I need to thank you Greg and Kath for posting the baseball photos. It looks as though we have some naturals here, so lovely to see. brings me right back to when Jonathan and ERi were playing  baseball. Eri was a lefty, liked to pitch and she was a hitter, everytime at bat she hit the ball.

Jon was a catcher and first baseman, still plays now at age 28, on a league with some of his old buddies adn several cousins. It is fun to watch.  Anyhow, those photos are surely a sign of spring and I know the ache in your hearts wishing that their Dad, their Mom could be there too. I am so glad that you guys are there for them, I hope you know what that must mean to them.

Amy, glad that you have more tickets, i forgot that you bought some. I think of your story being similar to Lorri's as Ash was in the hospital for quite some time right?

That story written by Regan is wonderfully strong, it has stayed with me all day long. Powerful, it will always be with me.

love to all,

sleepy dee

[mysonrich]

Lorri, another view of Kourtney and from a nurse that also didn't give up. She saw what the other's didn't and from what I read,treated her as the person she is.

 

I made a decision Monday.I have been wrestling with "what do to" for awhile now but something in me changed, clicked, or maybe I have just totally lost my mind. I prayed and asked for guidance, I asked that a door open and a path be cleared for me to walk, I needed help . I resigned from my job but not before looking into other employment. I just couldn't go on there. Senseless feelings came over me. Talking myself into going to work each day. I don;t think the dread I felt was helping. Not that the company was bad nor my co-workers. It was just the nature of the beast. I worked for the biggest bank in America:-) and though I was able to help people to some degree, it was limited.

 

I have accepted a temp position for a non-profit. It will pay the bills money wise but after the offer I thought maybe this will open other doors. While I drove up the mountain  to drop off my letter of resignation I received another call from a prospective employer.I thought, well, I can survive. I am not jumping up and down here. I just knew something had to change.

 

Nice pictures Greg ,Kathy, Debbie.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

Betsy, congratulations on so big a decision. You are a brave woman, I admire your strength. I picture you driving up the mountain to drop the letter in the mail. I think that for so many of us, life after we lose our Children causes such a shift in our thinking that it does not always fit with the work we were doing before hand. I wish you more than great luck, I wish you joy. I know joy sounds a bit risky, a bit over the top, but I know it is attainable even in this life, even on this side of the mountain.

Carol, I knew you would like the baseball angel, forgot to tell you that. HOping against hope that all will be eased with the doctor appointments, that Ralph will be treated with the right meds, the right treatments, and that the road ahead is clear.

Deb, love Lucy adn Sammy's photo, they are close aren't they? I know the fear and trepidation you feel, the sinking feeling of Lucy leaving the area with Summer, but hang on, we have all been there many times. For me, I worry more than I used to, and when I catch myself in a phase of constant What-ifs, I check back with my therapist if I am able. She has helped me turn my thinking around when I get in those phases, but now I can often do it myself, by using the tools of self-talk. I usually can calm myself. I always have a book that I can jump into each night, which takes my brain into another realm, someone else's world. That helps immensely, as does a journal to keep my thoughts fears dreams in.

Good luck

Blessings,

dee

[lolynbo]

GONNA POST 2 PICS ONE IS MY FLOWER BED IVE BEEN WORKIN ON FOR 2 YEARS...BOUGHT FLOWERS LAST YR AND THEY NEVER WOULD DELIVER DIRT AND THEY ALL DIED..SO TRIED AGAIN THIS YEAR...THIS IS WHAT I HAVE SO FAR RAN OUT OF ROCK...AND $$$

[lolynbo]

AND PIXIE LU ONE OF MY SHITZUS HELPN ME..SHE 12

[daniellemom]

Hello everyone!  I've been reading but I've been so busy I haven't taken the time to post, so don't be too mad at me! 

Carol - Prayers for Ralph as you face this together. 

Lorrie - What Regan wrote was beautiful and so heart felt.  You are so lucky to have help your Kourtney.

Greg and Kathy - great pictures of baseball/softball.  Those grandbabies are really grow up before our eyes.  Mattie is also playing, she is the only girl on the team but she can give the boys a run for their money like her big sister Danielle always did.  Danielle loved softball and she could throw the ball from left/center field to home plate the coaches always loved her for that she played from the time she was 4 until the last summer she was with us. 

Kathy - How is BJ?

To everyone here, thanks for posting each day it really helps me make it thru the day to know that I'm not alone. 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

 

[ericasmom]

Sonya, so good to see the smile of Danielle, she brightens a day. How are the Kids? Mattie doing okay in math and reading? I bet she is excited by the thought of summer break.

Love to you,

dee

[aviemare]

We got the call on April 2nd at around 11:30 pm that our beautiful 26 year old daughter Nicole had died of an overdose of RX meds on her sister's floor.  She is not even in her urn yet and people are telling me to "stay strong" and "accept" her death.  I can do neither.  I did not get to see her to say goodbye.  The funeral home wanted $1000 to paint her up in a death mask and do "autopsy" repairs.  Having just lost my dad 12 months ago and our house last September I simply did not have the finances after Nicole's funeral costs, and so they would not let me see her. 

I feel like I owed it to her to have the courage to look upon her face as she left this world just as I looked upon it when she entered the world.  I know she would not look the same and would smell bad.  This is the natural cycle of life and I was ready to accept it.  Besides, I did not want to see her body; just a peek at her face to say goodbye and assure myself that it was really her.  I have no sense of closure and don't know that I ever will now.

I feel cheated and angry at people who say it was "for the best" anyway as it would just upset me and leave bad memories.  HEL-LO!  How much more upset can I be?  This is it.  The most unendurable pain a human can face.

Nicole leaves behind a 27 month old baby boy Nickolus, a fiance, two brothers, a sister, a sister-in-law, a loving father and this wraith-like thing that I, her mother, have become.

I am somewhere in a pit so black that I don't even think the demons of Hell could bear it here.  I want to scream at thoughtless well-meaning people that I don't care if "it was her time" or "they saw this coming." No parent who has lost a child can "stay strong" before they even bury her!  I don't want to be strong.  I don't want to be brave or inspirational.  I want to scream out that I just want my child back and there is nothing nothing NOTHING  I can think of that I would not give to have her again.

I live each day from second to second and have no recollection of the time passing.  I have no desire to see friends and with the exception of my husband, children,  grandchildren, and my cats, dog and horses I want no part of the outside world.

My mom is the hardest to deal with.  Having lost my dad a year ago and living by herself in another state, she can only cope in the best way she knows how.  She speaks constantly about what plane of existence Nicole is now on, how her energy is weak because she is a young soul and how I must come to accept that her time was up.  I usually go into a full blown panic attack after about 10 minutes of this and my blood pressure and heart rate skyrocket.  I know I must listen to her for she grieves as well, and while we do share the some of the same beliefs about life after death, I just can't stomach hearing them preached to me on a daily basis because I have not come to terms with my daughter's death yet, and may not for a very long time.

When my dad died his energy was like a freight train; he made himself known to me in very loud and boisterous ways that would have made Ghost Hunters jump up and down and include me in their next episode! 

However, because Nicole was my child my grief is so extreme that her energy is cut off from reaching me and this is the most upsetting thing of all.  I have severe chronic pain from some incurable illnesses and surgical repairs to my elbow and ankle tendons, and have learned to meditate and quiet my mind for pain control, but even when I am relaxed my mind is not quiet.  I fear she will be gone by the time I get my head on straight, which may be a very long time.

Any suggestions on how to cope with my poor mom and her grief without a full-blown panic attack?  I have tried to tell her that I don't believe it was Nicole's time to go and that I miss her and must grieve in my own way, but she actually argues with me!

I feel bad for not being able to console my mother, but I am barely functioning right now and tired to the very core of my being.

Thank you for listening.

Anni

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