Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

LISA, God Bless you on this ANGEL DAY, may you feel the love of your MOMMA and DADDY, and hold your Little Brother's hand as you bless each other in Heaven.

God Bless Sherry

I am at school catching up with some work, or this would be in color and large pretty font.

dee

[ericasmom]

Carol, love your words, your recollections touch me to the core.

Thanks Lorri, hope that somehow this day unfolds with some glory.

WOW, those grandbabies sure are smart aren't they? Dang, if only we adults could catch a clue, that Kids have the answers with so much less clutter than we adults. Thanks for sharing those Susannah.

[daveydow1]

Betsy---Thanks for your kind words.....also for 'The Shore' pic. I so know

what you mean about going there looking for your dear Rich. I remember

doing that a lot too. I was on a "search" mission it seemed. Looking for

everything connected to  Davey, (and baby Lisa those many years ago.)

I don't know what compels us to do this......it just happens, I guess. I know

we often come up feeling sad & empty. Just part of the grief process for

many people, it seems. Peace & comfort to you.

             Daveyand Lisasmom,  Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry: I know you only had Lisa for a short while and it was a long while ago, but I am sure you are just as forefront in her heart as always, just as she is in yours...such a beautiful smile...I know that she and Davey run together and have each others hearts and backs.  My grandson, Jamie, told me once (he has always seemed to have a special connection with the spirit world, even as a young child), that "babies can grow up in heaven, but only if they want to.  they can stay babies if that is what they want."  My heart goes out to you as you remember this angel day, tucked inside your heart for so many years.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Dee------Thanks, friend. Today, we went to the cemetery. Took pink

roses for Lisa's grave, and white ones for Davey's. Sad day, but we

held up ok. As we were leaving the area of Dave's grave, a crow flew

over and crowed, as if to say "We're with you Mom & Dad".  ( the

American Indian legend that the crow is the spirit of loved ones departed

wishing us comfort).  How is Jon doing ? 

         Sherry

[mikesmum]

We might not be who we once were, but here we are afforded the chance to be who we might be............

I have posted here a number of times on the innocence and honesty of grandbabies.  The last for me from the redhaired Caleb ~ On seeing a rainbow break out over the valley "ya know granma if you find the pot of gold you can make a wish. My wish would be for all the dead people to come back (pondered a minute) except for the zombies."  My best offering......"me too Caleb".

Lynn - What a beautiful monument to a beautiful young girl.  Heartfelt words written by a heart broken mum.......You did well.

Dee - Really isn't the kind of thing you 'buy one get one free' is it??  I do remember someone posting a sign from the cemetry where their boy is ~ Was that Nicksdad?   I have a vivid picture of you throwing yourself across the desk in a controlled rage! (lol)  

You truly are the healer of the heart, your words, insight and compassion that can only come from one who knows......hey Tink

Besty - Thats the idea....love the pic. Is that a rollercoaster in the foreground? 

Colleen - Glad AJ had such a great party.     I remember those days.   Mike had a thing about people drink driving. So he would organise for his friends to sleepover.  Some mornings I would tip toe through the house in the early hours over lumps on the carpet on my way to work only to find my car was stuck behind a fleet of probationary driver cars -   

Carol - Tears fall on reading your last minutes with Mike.  Having met you, seen the family  your words have me right there with you.

That morning Mike left, I was just another emergency service worker arriving on scene.  I was met by my husband, brother and ambo's who had worked on Mike.  I walked to where Mike was, passing a police officer who asked who I was.  I heard a voice say "I'm the mother of the deceased".  So clinical, so professional, so controlled. 

Mike was 'resting' on his bed, his hands folded on top of his sheets. His eyes not quite closed, his colour telling me he was gone.......Those who had worked on him for 50 minutes had taken the time to clear the scene.....no sign of the chaos of the fight to keep him here.....

I  remember the first time I brushed that dark hair across his forehead ~ A tiny life entrusted to me, the winter of 75.   Holding his hands as I did on his first day I was lost - am still lost.....

Pls find your pictures of the places you shared with your kids...Hey even a postcard from your town or area ~ its about remembering where they lived, where you might now go to remember them.

Docs visits today to qualify my level of 'sanity'  Newsflash there isn't one!!......Muttley walks this afternoon. 

 

[mysonrich]

yes Trudi, that is a roller coaster and that Pic was taken  with a cellphone. I laughed when I read " except the zombies". Well yes, me too.

Sherry, it is a beautiful day here. A bautiful day for a beautiful baby girl.

 

BJs mom, was the crash that casued your son's death the result of a police chase? If you can't say I understand. And BJ's stone is beautiful. The flowers very pretty. His name across the bottom, his sig?

[4everjoeysmom]

LOVE that, Trudie!! Level of sanity = There isn't one!!

[mpsmom]

This is one of my favorite pictures,  I used it as my FB picture.  This is my last 'mother daughter' vacation with my Bethany.   Our favorite restaurant in Puerto Vallarte, MX, right on the beach, the waiter sat us at the saem table right on the boardwalk everytime we came in.  Bethany and I went to PV  two times by ourselves, she was 16.  She loved it there--- she said everyone 'looked like her' in Mexico.  On this day we had taken a bus to Mismaloya to enjoy an afternoon of snorkeling on a small less travedled beach....

Larry and I hope to retire there one day..... it was always the "5 year plan"----even before she died, we would get her through college and then move to PV, she would fly in anytime she wanted to.....only 4 hours on a direct flight from Vegas.  That was back when life was simple and we thought we had some control about how our lives would turn out.  Last night I searched real estate in PV, small older places there still can be had for less thtn $80K. I need to be in a slower paced placed to find peace with whats left of my life. 

Love and Peace to everyone today, Marcia  Bethanys Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Sherry, may you find peace today as you acknowledge the day your sweet angel was given her wings,  She and David watch over you every day, knowing one day you will all be together again.

Big Warm Hugs for you today, Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[daveydow1]

Lynn---Kayla is such a lovely girl. The headstone is so nice. Thanks

for posting. May she smile down on you today, and warm your heart

through & through. Peace to you.

THANKS TO ALL MY bi FRIENDS FOR YOUR KIND WORDS TODAY.

 

Marcia----Beautiful photo of Bethany & you on vacation at PV. What a

lovely place. So good that Bethany loved it there....she looks sooooo cute.

I understand your need to find a more peaceful place in which to retire &

be with your precious memories. Yes, life WAS simpler and more easygoing

at one time, but losing a child changes all that, and we have to carry on with

our memories......because that's all we have left of our beloved children, sad

to say. Take good care of yourself, friend.

[ericasmom]

Hey Gang,

just lost a post. Suffice it to say that I commented on the photo of you Marcia, with Bethany, and the beautiful easy smiles you wore. A simpler time. She wants you to know that she smiles like that now, set free by the intense love she has always known, you set her heart free to love the world.

Trudi, I nearly jumped the woman, so perfectly coiffed, on the lawns of the cemetery, near the site Mike and I picked. She acted like she was selling a damn refrigerator...I was not nice, and told her to hurry up and get a clue, we were shopping for a resting spot for a 19 year old, not her granny. B _ tch, care to buy a vowel?

love to you all, going to make dinner for jonathan and shannon and hope for his heart to welcome some help.

love you,

dee

[ericasmom]

Cemetery shopping

                                               Dee Conmy

It was a stuffy day outside, humid and still. I was clammy to the touch, unable to figure out if I was too warm or too chilled. I was in the throws of shock and reacting as though riding waves. I could not tell what the hollow sounds from my stomach were. Was it hunger or was it illness? Was it sleepiness I was feeling or did I just need to shut everything out by going to sleep? Nothing made sense; the time of day, the date, processing conversation was laborious.

I was delivered into a New World; I could not find my footing and did not want to really. Nobody would willingly want to find their footing in a place that no longer held their child.

 I felt boxed in sitting in the small office. Michael and I sat in high-back chairs that overlooked very green lawns.  We stared at each other, and sighed, tears were on Michael’s cheeks, a tributary that over the years would be a river of tears. “How could we be here Michael?” I begged.

 It felt like a very bad nightmare. The kind that locks you in and you cannot wake up. I had experienced those before, where I was trapped into the dream for what seemed hours, when finally awakened by the extreme pain or fear that the dream caused. I was always so grateful to have escaped into the real day, as though another minute there may have forever entrapped me.

In this case however, I was in it for real, there would be no waking from this place. This was our reality. We were entrapped by the sudden and awful death of our daughter.

Erica was gone and on this humid clammy day, we had to make the plans for her funeral. We sat in the office of a woman who would be driving us around the grounds of the cemetery to locate a final resting spot for our girl. SOMEONE, PLEASE WAKE ME UP!

Earlier in the day, Michael and I went to the funeral home to make those arrangements for her service. There we sat with a very nice man who managed to direct us through the choices necessary, date and times of showing, clothing for our girl to wear, the church chosen for the funeral and choice of casket.

 That was hard. Pick a box to place your daughter in to bury. We followed the nice man to a ‘casket showroom’ which I found an appalling and distasteful choice of words. I pictured caskets on slowly spinning displays, with dramatic lighting and organ music, (God I hate organ music), but as we took apprehensive steps inside this room, we found it an understated space. There were many kinds of caskets, wood; varnished to a high sheen, low sheen, engraved or plain. Then came the steel caskets; silver, blue, and pink. There it was…the pink one we both agreed.

We signed papers and shook hands and blew our noses and thanked the man whose own eyes seemed to tear with ours. He gave us a card with a name on it directing us to a contact at the cemetery we chose. “She will be expecting you this afternoon.”

We sat waiting for the woman, exhausted by the events that led us here, worn out by our choices at the funeral home. We had aged dramatically by our actions. Did we really have to do this today too? Perhaps we could wait until tomorrow I bargained with myself. The practical part of me, which the shock must have allowed to come forward, thought better of it. Best to do it all in one day, get this part over with before people start coming over with covered dishes and well-meant words.

The woman entered her office to greet us. Her manner was off-putting, phony and contrived. She gave us some guidelines about the cemetery and told us we were lucky that Erica had a Grandfather there ahead of her or she may not have gotten in, since she was not a Catholic. Right there I wanted to pull the lady backward by her hair and say, “LUCKY? Oh yes, she is lucky isn’t she? She is 19 years old, Bitch, and DEAD!  How lucky can she get?”

But all I said was, “ lucky is not a word that we would use.” She quickly apologized as she touched up her lipstick.

Michael and I exchanged looks; both of us feeling slammed by her comment. We followed her to her vehicle and I tried very hard to quell my dislike for the woman. As she began our ‘tour,’ she pointed to different areas that were available to our daughter. She pulled over and instructed us to get out and look around. As she walked between crowded gravestones, she remarked that while this spot was popular, there was still room for our girl. It looked like the ‘trailer-park’ section of the cemetery, and was very close to a busy road.

“This is the $750.00 section,” she mentioned as though selling us a stove or refrigerator.

Neither Michael nor I said much but instead returned to her car. She continued the search and as was about to pull over in a different section of the cemetery, but I told her not to bother stopping here. When she looked disappointed, I said that there would be no way that I would feel any sense of peace in a ‘Mini-Vegas’ setting. It was filled with statuary and spires some with gold flecked paint. It looked like one family was trying to out-gaud the others. There were tall marble spires and gaudy fake flower arrangements, gigantic Saints stood guard. It was garish. I told her so, and added that it looked like a miniature golf course. She bristled with my attitude.

Finally, we drove to a section with very few stones that overlooked the pond and we asked to see that area. She told us she was going to bring us to this spot last because she figured it was the best spot for us. Once again, Michael and I began to walk away from her. “ This is the $1100.00 location, where as the last spot was the $950.00 plots. Now there are…”

“We are not buying a luxury item for our home,” I stated rather sharply and in a voice I did not entirely recognize as my own. “And we are not shopping for a spot to bury an old person who lived a long life, we are burying our daughter, our nineteen year old daughter who was just doing what she was supposed to be doing when a train hit her car. I understand that you have to sell for your paycheck, but Lady, try to pretend to have some empathy.”

                             She gathered herself and tried to correct her image. I felt sorry for her at that moment, wondering if she had to harden herself to the day-in-day-out sadness that she dealt with. I wondered if at one time she behaved in a caring fashion.

 At that point, we discussed which actual plot, which rectangle of land would contain my daughter for the rest of time. Michael and I agreed to one facing the water under the shade of three Oak Trees. Michael steadied his voice and said he would like to have an upright stone.

“Oh you can have an upright stone if you buy six plots today, otherwise it has to be a flat stone.”

        I was incredulous. “Excuse me, do you mean to tell me that the only way we could mark our daughter’s grave in the fashion that we would prefer, we would have to plan and pay for the burials of 5 other family members?”  The woman noted the hysterical tone in my voice and she simply nodded yes.

At that moment I was sure that we were in some sort of hell, and that this woman was an evil force.

 All I wanted to do at that point was leave and find whatever solace there was in completing these impossible tasks. I wasn’t sure of anything except my aching spirit, and my shattered heart.

 On the day of her funeral, there was a mile and a half of cars snaking there way to Aisle 19. A huge group of grieving people gathered on the little hill under the three mighty oak trees and sang Bob Marley songs. A big gust of wind whistled through the trees with our song’s end, and we all said in unison, “Erica!”

 And over six years later, I am still trying to process all that has changed in our lives since Erica left. I visit the spot we chose for our girl. I sit under the shade of the Oaks in the spring and summer, I sweep the crumpled brown leaves off her flat pink stone in the autumn and I brush off the snow in the winter. Sometimes we place a small Christmas Tree at the head of her stone. In April I leave her birthday flowers or trinkets and see that others do as well. In July, the anniversary of her leaving, I do the same. It is a quietly beautiful spot though she has many more neighbors now.

Michael never returned to the place where we buried our daughter.

[hotrod]

Sherry  Thinking of you and Baby Lisa on this Special day

Marcia- What a beautiful picture  The restaurant is in a perfect spot and of coarseYou and  Bethany look so happy and beautiful

Trudi-  I agree "Level of Sanity-there is not one"  a great comment and I understand completely

Carol  I love your Grandson's Jamie comment about angels and growing up in heaven.  When Stephen  was 4 or so he told me a beautiful story about when he was an angel.  He could remember flying around in heaven looking at all the moms and deciding on who would be his mom.  He saw me and his dad and he thought we were perfect. Little memories make me happy and sad all at once.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[mpsmom]

Oh Dee..............it breaks my heart to read your words.

Peace to you today my friend,    Marcia   Bethanys mom forever

[daveydow1]

Oh Dee---I'm sorry you had such a terrible time of it when looking to

get a plot in the cemetery for sweet ERi. I'm sure that the experience is burned into

your mind for all time. So very sad; and the woman selling the plots did

not make it any easier for you and Michael. My husband and I did not

choose Davey's gravesite.......my mom and sister did. At the time, it was

a new section that they had just opened up. Dave's plot is also under a

huge oak. The first time we went there after the funeral----a few days

later, his grave was all by itself....one of only 2 or 3 in the entire section.

It just seemed so desolate & lonely. We cried & nearly collapsed, drove

away, got lost (lived in this area all our lives) and finally got home. What a

day. I'm sure everyone here relates to your skillfully written piece on those

days that no one ever wants to go through.  The day Lisa was buried, is

clear as day to me......even though it was so long ago. Peace & strength.

               DaveyandLisasmom,   Sherry 

[mikesmum]

Ohh my Dee - tears roll down my cheeks, not sure if its the saddness of finding a place for your Eri or the hillarity that comes from the ignorance of those who see our kids passing as a 'business opportunity'!

As you may or may not know I was removed as Mikes next of kin and replaced by Amanda (see spawn of Satan)!  She browsed thru a catalogue of coffins at our dinning table as if it was a K-Mart catalogue - money being no object, she intended for us to pay. 

A week after the service I went to the admin office at the creamatorium.  I was politely told by the portly 'administrative assistant' that Mikes ashes were the 'property' of the spawn and they legally couldn't divulge when they would be collected or where they would be placed. 

She did tell me that for a fee of $1,000 AU I could have a plaque placed in the grounds with Mikes details.  For perpetual care that would be another $1,000.    In total disbelief I thanked her and believing her to be pregnant wished her a painfree birth............CLANGGGGGG...she wasn't pregnant, in fact her last child was 12yrs old...ooops my bad!

If you did a reality piece on this industry people wouldn't believe it unless they lived it......Peace out.....Trudi

 

[4everjoeysmom]

After reading the accounts of your experience, Dee, and the many who had to see their children broken, bruised and battered, and/or having lost the color of life.... I am in tears for everyone...My heart aches... and I have not an ounce of regret for having never seen Joey without life in his body, or having never put him in a box, or having never visited the site where he took his last breath.... I just can't imagine it and know I would never have been able to shake those last images.......My son: The man, My Baby: My child.......My Heart!.....3 years gone by and my heart still screams silently in the agonizing stillness of world without him in it.....My world...My life...

[hotrod]

Dee I believe we posted right near each other and I was not aware of your post.  Thed painful remembrances of shopping for the final resting place for your beautiful daughter Eri truly touched my soul!!!. 

 I could feel your pain in each word and understood your sadness and frustration.  I was fortunate as I had to purchase a plot when  Stephen's Dad passed in 1983.  I was told I had to purchase at least 4 sites and I was so numb at that time that I just did it.   The family headstone was installed in 1984 and I visited the site often .  I never thought  I would need to have Stephen's name engraved.  I did manage to do that about 6 months ago and  feel I have honored him and he is safe with "Dad"

As for last memories I just cannot go there now.  As Betsy said for now I am trying to stay in the beautiful memories of his life. 

Here are some pictures of places that hold special memories and where I still look for him each day!!:

Thanks Trudi for the idea and thanks for having the courage to go back and share the pain you experienced with the loss of Michael:

 

 

 

Dee's angel Fountain Central Park

[align=left]Ice Skating in Wollman Rink. Central park][/align]

[align=left][ [/align]

Stuyvesant Town's

[align=left]My Housing Complex NYC][/align]

[align=left]Betty Stephen;smom][/align]

[mikesmum]

Betty love your pics. Central Park, somewhere else I know of and would love to see.  Some of the others didn't come out, maybe a gliche.

As I was uploading so pics of my granson Zak the post arrived.  The final outcome on Mikes doctors hearing. 

The Medical Board found the doctor had "engaged in unprofessional conduct", relating to his failure to identify Micheal's depressive and addictive state.  The penalty...education, one two hour session to learn to identify drug addiction in pain medication patients...

My heart breaks again. Mike saw this doctor on the 9th Jan, had two prescriptions filled within two days (11th & 13th) and died from taking an oxycodiene overdose 18th Jan.  The quote from the doctor in relation to the last, "I didn't think he was suicidal on the day he died".

Looking for the sunshine.......Hey Mike, Zak made Auskick this past season.  These are the clubs trading cards....I know he barracks for Essendon, but hey what can we do??? Love ya mum.

Oh yeah full forward, the guy who kicks the goals.......Yeahhhhh Zakkkkk!!!!

[shellbellsmom]

Wow looks like it’s been busy on Bi today.  I read all the post but only have a few moments to reply.  We had another decent weather day so I made it to the cemetery to fix the tangled balloons strings and bring back the wilted flowers...a little fall clean up before winter sets in. 

It's great to see all the "favorite spot" pictures from home.  I hope to upload a few soon from my neck of the woods. 

Sounds like this weekend has brought some happy moments for some as well as some difficult and sad ones too.  I'm not one for surprises so this not knowing how I will be in 5 minutes is a awful feeling. 

Lynn your daughter’s headstone is beautiful and the poem is very touching.  We did a heart shape monument with an angel etched on it too, and have solar lights as well.

Kathy your little Tavian is just precious...love the curls. 

Betsy that's amazing to see a yellow butterfly this late in the season.  The yellow butterfly has a significant meaning for me as well.  Here is our last entry in my daughter’s hospital journal website;

July 21st at 2:08 pm-   Michelle lost her battle with her leukemia illness.  She put up a good   fight but could not overcome all the complications which included multiple   infections, sepsis, and ARDS.   Her heart stopped and she was freed   of all her pain and suffering very quickly.  Mike, Sue, brother Matt and   her love of her life Mitch were in the room when she passed away.  It   was very peaceful and we know she is in a better place now. Very Shortly   before she left us Mitch and I (Sue) while in her room noticed a large   yellow butterfly flying around outside her window of the hospital.  (   rather odd place for one up on the 5th floor or a brick building)  I   told Mitch it was an angel watching over her...but we now know it was a angel   coming to take her to a higher place.

Here is another link about my experience with a yellow butterfly.  I have never seem one like the one I saw….very vivid yellow with no spots…I still can see it looking in the window.

http://michelle-lunn.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=13167&page_no=13

  Everyone have a peaceful night (Trudi it will be day for you) with sweet dreams of our angels.   Sue

[mpsmom]

Trudi, I am so very sorry that you went through all of the reliving the day that your Mike died in order that this 'physician' be held responsible for his actions, and they did not even give him a "slap on the hand"................. ONE TWO HOUR FREAKING CLASS????????????????    THAT IS SO VERY WRONG !!!!!!!  I am so very sorry.   What is wrong with our society?????  How can people like tht be allowed to continue practicing medicine???????????   I am seeing red !!!

I love you sweetie,   Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[lolynbo]

WOW DEE...IM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS..WHAT HELL..WHATA BITCH...(YES BI PL I SAID IT ) BITCH....HOPE SHE HAS RETIRED OR FOUND PERMANANT LAND FOR HERSLEF NOW..

I REMEMEBR SHOPPIN FOR KOURTNEYS RESTING PLACE....FLOATING THROUGH THE CEMETARY I WALK NOW...WE WANDERED TO A PLACE HER AND I HAD VISITED BEFORE (SOMONE WE KNEW WAS BURIED AROUND THER) AND HER AUNT (MY X'S SISTER) WAS TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW...SHE SAID "I DONT NO IF I LIKE THIS PLACE...IF YOU BUY 3 SPOTS ONES GONNA BE SCOTTS (HER DAD)", SO WE THOUGHT WE WOULD BE 6 SPOTS SO WE COULD ALL BE NEAR KOURTNEY..I WALKED AWAY FOR A MINUTE AND THE AUTN (REBA SAID AGAIN) I DONT LIKE IT DOWN THERE" MONTYS SAID " REBA IT DONT MAKE A DAMN WHERE, WE DECIDE TO PUT KOURTNEY, BECAUSE LORRI WILL GO BESIDE HER, WHERE EVER LORRI DECIDES TO BURY HER DAUGHTER"...REBA SAID "I WAS JUST SAYN"......SO WE BOUGHT 6 SPOTS 3 ON TOP OF SCOTTS 3...(U HAVE TO BUY 3 SPOTS A T A TIME NO SINGLES NO DOUBLES) $900 FOR 3 SPOTS...I LATER WENT AND BOUGHT ANOTHER 3 SPOTS , SO WE HAVE 9 SPOTS 3, 3. 3....ALL STACKED ON EACH OTHER...I GO TO THE SIDE OF KOURTNEY AND MONTY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HER,,,SCOTT GOES TO HER FOOT.....REBA CAN GO TO HELL...

HER COFFIN WAS SILVER AND LOTS OF CHROME "BLING".....I HAD NO PROB OTHER THEN REBA....SHES ALSO THE ONE THAT TOOK PICS OF HER IN HER COFFIN....IDIOT..

HAPPY ANGEL DAY LISA..SWEET ANGEL IN THE ARMS OF HER STRONG BIG BROTHER...

[ericasmom]

WHAT? A two hour class, why people who speed and get caught have to do more than that. What the hell? Oh Trudi, let us write letters to the officials, not because we can change it, but maybe our combined indignation, our combined disbelief might make some mark on the deciders of such things. Holy Cow.I am so sorry Trudi, so very sorry for all that you push forward with, using such good and honest energy, and being pushed back by those using nothing good or honest. Oh my.

I am glad that you got some of the hilarity of our cemetery shopping, it was indeed sad but there were many things that day that did make us giggle. Michael and i felt like children in the back seat of her car, making faces and smirking at her attitude. We were joined for sure that day, in the most challenging activity parents should ever do...I wish no one else to have this job. I wrote Cemetery Shopping many years ago, but just change the date of how long ago each time I reread it.

Michael never did go, but Jonathan has taken some of his ashes there, to the spot in the shade of three oak trees.

Claudia, I am sorry for the stillness in the days, but I know that your faith will carry you over the giant crevices that litter your path. Joe's smile will carry you.

Greg, glad that the music can sing to your soul, I do believe that those who touch us most with their music have experienced huge sadnesses. Blessings to him and to you.

I will try to post some photos of my area, thanks Trudi for the idea. I love the Central Park photos Betty,especially the fountain, so good of you to show us this,  along with all the others. It is interesting that you and Lynn have your Babies next to their Daddy's.

[ericasmom]

Leave it to you Lorri, to make me laugh out loud, And reba can go to hell.

Oh thank you Lord for the hilarious nature of Lorri.

[ericasmom]

a bit of Chicago, a beauty of a city.

[ericasmom]

Wouldn't you love to be here? I love it in the heart of downtown.

[ericasmom]

opps

[ericasmom]

I thik a new one

[Guest]

I so want to remember everyone’s names and stories!  They are so poignant.  So important. 

I found myself gritting my teeth with you, ericasmom, as you told the lady at the cemetery “Lucky isn’t the word we would use.” 

I feel like I crashed into a brick wall head on this weekend.  Possibly the worst weekend I’ve had since Stephanie died. 

Having a little surge of energy this afternoon, Gary and I took the grandchildren to see “Where the wild things are”.

It was the perfect movie for them.  A metaphor of real loss through a child’s eyes. 

Sending each of you love and peace. 

[lolynbo]

TWO YEARS AGO TONIGHT, WE GOT TO OU MED IN OKC AT 830...U WERE HUNGREY SO I GOT U A POPTART...YOU LAID AS COMFORTABLE AS YOU POSSIBLY COULD ON THE COLD PLASTIC CHAIRS, DOUBLE UP...(I STILL HAVE YOUR CLOTHES UNWASHED WHAT YOU WERE WEARN)...YOU ATE YOUR POPTART AND NEED TO GO POTTY SO MOMMA TOOK YOU...I ASKED " ARE YOU OK, DO YOU NEED HELP" YOU SAID "IM OK, I GOT IT"....WE WENT BACK TO THE WATING ROOM, YOU, ME, BRENT, KODY AND DAD....SISTER WANTED TO COME BUT SHE HAD TO WORK THE NEXT DAY SOI TOLD HER" WE WILL CALL YOU, IM SURE THEY MAY ADMIT HER AND GO AHEAD WITH THE SURGERY, GET SOME SLEEP I WILL LET YOU NO"...

10:30 OR SO THEY FINALLY CALLED YOU BACK TO THE ER..I STAYED IN WAITING ROOM WITH KODY, (I WAS AFRAID, NO WORDS CAN CHANGE THAT, I WAS SCAIRED)...DAD SIAD..

"SHE WAS FINE SHE WAS TALKING AND JOKING WITH BRENT AND I, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SEEMED TO HAVE A SEISURE OR STROKE,"  HE SAID YOU " SEEMED TO COME BACK AFTER" AND THE DOC ASKED HER "WHO IS THESE GUYS HERE WITH YOU"? AND SHE ANSWERED "THATS MY HUSBAND BRENT AND MY DAD".....AND YOU NEVER SPOKE AGAIN..

I DONT NO WHAT ELSE HAPPENED, I REMEMBER THEY RUSHED YOU TO SURGERY, KIMBELRY CAME AND I STILL HAD NO ANSWERS..,I WAS JUST TALKING TO YOU...I DONT NO ANYTHING WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY..TUMORS DONT BURST...

THEN WE WERE WISKED OFF TO A ROOM UPSTAIRS DOWNSTARIS DOWN LONG HALLS, AROUND CORNERS....TO SEE YOUR MRI ON A COMPUTER...ALL THIS DOC KEPT SAYIN IS "IM SO SORRY, IM SORRY" WHAT WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR I DONT SEE ANYTHING...I DONT SEE NOTHN WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?????

THEN WE COULD COME 2 BY 2 TO SEE YOU, "DONT TOUCH HER DONT STIMULATE HER..SHE COULD BLEED OUT"....MACHINES EVERYWHERE 4 OR 5 DIFF ONES BLINKING BUZZING, HUMMING...IT WAS MORE THEN I COULD TAKE...I THINK I BLACK OUT..I DONT NO....

THEN WE FIND OUR SELFVES IN THIS SMALL ROOM WITH THE CHAPLAIN...ALL I REMEMBER SAYN AND GRABBING YOUR BROTHER DRAGGIN HIM TO HIS KNEES "PRAY , PRAY...PRAY...ASK GOD TO HEAL HER"...I REMEMBER PRAYING SO HARD I WAS RAMBLING..."I WILL TAKE HER ANYWAY I CAN TAKE HER..I WANT HER TO COME HOME WITH ME, JUST GIVE HR BACK TO ME, ANYWAY, I WILL TAKE HER"....ALL OF US ON OUR KNEES BEGGIN GOD TO SPARE YOU....

CHRISTMAS EVE (WEEKS LATER) KIMBERLYS PRAYING AND CRYING WITH BRENT IN THE SAME ROOM ICU WHERE WE WOUCLD TOUCH YOU OR STIMULATE YOU...KIMBERLY HEARD SOME ONE SAY "SHES ALREADY BEEN HEALED"....IF I ONLY KNEW..ID NEVER HAVE YOU HOME WITH ME AGAIN...NEVER TO TAKE YOUANY WAY GO D WOULD HAVE GIVING YOU TO ME...I GUESS YOU WERE TRUELY ALREADY HEALED AND ALREADY GONE..

I WILL NEVER GET OVER LOOSING YOU KOURTNEY LYNN, I MISS YOU JUST LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY OR TODAY ...I CANT FORGET ALL THE HELL YOU AND WE WENT THROUGH....I HURT FOR YOU TO BE IN MY ARMS AND TO SMELL YOU AND HEAR YOU SAY "MOMMA?".....

[heartbeataway]

Trudi, I'm so sorry. I wish that justice had been served.

Lorri, sending you strength.

Dee, The Cemetary Story ........ wow .......

We never even considered a cemetary ...... I guess that's odd.  It was another conversation we had had so, we knew he didn't want a cemetary setting.

The visit to the funeral home to make the plans was hard.  When the director was talking about cremation he was explaining the process.  He went on to tell us not to worry about the ashes being "distasteful".  There is a "pulverization" after cremation so that no parts are recognizable.  I remember looking at it and telling him, "that's comforting because the descriptive word you just used sure is!"

At that point, I had to leave the room for a while.

I've been in this stage of disbelief lately. I know he's gone but I still have days that I hope it's a nightmare and I will wake up.  It still hurts in an unimaginable way ......

Wishing you all strength for the journey .....

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[nicksdad]

Trudi....I am so sorry about the outcome with Mikes doctor...I am not sure how that doctor would be able to sleep knowing that he engaged in unprofessional conduct...maybe he won't be able to....

It finally stopped raining after a week so went to the cemetary to mow the grass is looking great that we planted. While there the little boy next to Nick his mom and little sister came. I heard the sister say to the Mom "does that man mow everyones area?"..The mom said "no, but we don't have a mower like that"...So I sensed them looking at me and I looked up and said "would you like to to mow your area"...and she said would you please....It was nice they seem like such nice people....

Kayla's stone is beautiful...very very nice touch with the metal plate on the back of it.

Colleen i'm glad AJ had a big turnout that is great....I totally understand the "reminds me" statment...weekends are terrible for me..

Susannah...Sorry I did not say hello sooner....I'd say "welcome" to the site but that sounds wierd...So instead I just hope that you find the site helps you over time....Stephanie is a beautiful young women..

[summergirl]

Oh my - so many postings, so many memories that bring the tears.

Trudi  - so justice is served huh - unbelievable, I am so sorry for another devastating blow to the heart. God will serve justice in His way. Bless you my friend.

Dee - wow, if I ever said you should write a book I really mean it now. The relating of the "picking out the final resting place" memory was more than I could take, tears and I am sorry but laughter too at the idea of you tackleing the woman and yelling here is number 1 !!  We did not have the chance to choose Jessica's finbal resting place as my in-laws had already bought plots and without anyone asking me it was just decided that that was where Jessica would go - I do love the spot and am thankful to them and at least I did not have to go through dealing with a woman like you had to. Jessica's casket was bought by my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, I do not really remember walking through the "showroom" but do remember picking out the one I liked/hated.  Even the funeral arrangements were made without my opinion - I guess everyone was trying to protect me but I wish now that I would have had more to say.........

Sherry - bless you my friend on this "little lisa's angelversary" many years may have passed but the pain remains the same.

Lynn - what a beautiful monument for your beautifil Kayla - I love the pic and poem. It is just amazing and I am so glad that you share it with us. Hard I know......

Suzanne - those first few weeks are so numbing that our brain shuts part of it out so that we may cope with all of the "preparations" that go into the "planning" of all that needs to be done. When all others return to their "normal" lives we are left with the aftermath of "the loss".  Yes, there are days when I am a pillar of strength and others when I just do not know what to do, who I am, where I am going and WHY I am living this nightmare of losing my beautiful Jessica. There are days when I smile at a memory and days when I cry because of them.  Life is forever changed never to be the same again, but with time and those here at BI it gets softer. It will be 4 years for us in Feb. and I cannot imagine that, seems like just today she was at my door with a basket full of laundry, laughing and talking - calling me mama !! I miss everything about her and still some days I expect the phone to ring and she will say hey mama what are you up to??    The love of your 3 grandchildren will help you to take those steps necessary to move forward one baby step at a time.   Today was one of those days for me where I did not want to be around anyone so I spent the entire day outside just working in the yard until I could move no more - my sanity has returned some what. 

Dan - so sweet of you to offer to mow the site of that little boy - the little things we can do that bring us some comfort.  I have not yet begun to set up the memorial site for Jessica as Tavian has decided he loves my laptop and has been on it constantly - we are getting him his own for Christmas.

Lorrie, my friend, you are an inspiration to all of us here and I feel your pain with each word you write - hang in there we are here.

Marcia - love, love the pic of you and Bethany - beautiful.

I love you Jessica my daughter, my best friend - you mama always.

 

                                                                     

[mikesmum]

I WILL NEVER GET OVER LOOSING YOU KOURTNEY LYNN, I MISS YOU JUST LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY OR TODAY ...I CANT FORGET ALL THE HELL YOU AND WE WENT THROUGH....I HURT FOR YOU TO BE IN MY ARMS AND TO SMELL YOU AND HEAR YOU SAY "MOMMA?".....

Aint it the truth......

The pictures are brilliant. NY, inner city Chicargo & always always the high country that is Jay.  Will hopefully get to post some of Melbourne (the big smoke)!

Yes there is something about that outcome that smacks me in the face.  For me its about changing the way doctors prescribe and their assessment of patients.  Its not always about the physical pain.........drugs aren't always the answer.

Peace be with you and yours..........

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, love that photo, and I am holding you as you ache.

Susannah, the first layer of shock has worn away, you are feeling raw. I remember that expereince, like someone peeled back my skin. Everything hurt.

Lorri, your recollection is one of great pain, pain that brought you all together to support your Girl, to hope alongside of her, and to finally let her go. I do know that you will never be the same, but because of her, you are made better. She loves you so. Kourtney bless your family with dreams of sweetness.

Kath, it was one of those days for me as well. If ever I write that book, Cemetery Shopping will be one story in it. Oh the silly woman, I wonder if she remembers us as we do her?

Peace out,

dee

[briansdad]

brian with alyssas mom @ table rock in southern Mo

[bjsmom]

Sherry, my thoughts are with you, Davey and precious baby Lisa.

[heartbeataway]

Sherry,

My heart to you. I know the pain of losing my one and only.  I cannot even imagine the pain of losing two!

Greg,

Love the picture! 

Lorri,

Hope today is softer on your heart and your memory. 

Kathy,

Your posting made me think about the differences in cognizance those first few days. Some are large and in charge wanting everything to be just right and others have faint memories of those first few painful hours and days.  I think I was somewhere in-between.

There were things that I wish had happened or been done differently.  I didn't like the floral arrangement picked out but allowed the flowers to be chosen by our almost daughter-in-law.  The same person who asked upon leaving the funeral home after making the arrangements if we thought Jason's death was harder on us or on her. Rich responded that he thought it was devastating for everyone.

She responded, "But, I lost my future."

It's been two years, six months ...... she's married and has a baby due early next month.

How much of her future did she lose?   How do you move on that quickly?  Or, maybe it's not quick.  I know that she and Jay were together three years before there was an engagement.

Don't get me wrong, I want a future for her.  She has every right to be happy and have her dreams come true. But, when I think back on some of the hell we went through that she instigated, it still hurts.

I will never forget going to his house to gather what she left for us and finding his belongings in a pile in the master bedroom floor.  You could tell that his dresser drawers had been literally dumped in a pile and then gone through.

Or, she and her friends sitting on and around the front steps eating McDonalds and laughing, occasionally coming and taking something they had overlooked and putting it in their cars, while we were packing up what was left of our son.

All under the threat of, whatever you leave, I will have moved and send you the bill for it.

I literally fell apart after our return to Texas.  That's when getting out of bed and breathing in and out became hard.  We all have our memories and our way of coping with those memories.  No one is right, no one is wrong.

Marcia,

I sure hope healing is happening and you'll be up and around soon.  I hate to think of you in pain ..... you've had enough!

Colleen,

Great news about Aarons birthday celebration. I'm one of seven children and we are all very different human beings.  Aaron is who he is but that person sounds really special. Glad the day went well for him.

Dee,

Your words are like a "bridge over troubled waters" at times.  Thank you for writing from your heart.

Dan,

Your pictures, your kind words, your kind deeds ....... all a picture of you and a reflection of Nick.  I just know, he is so very proud of you!

I'm not going to try to name everyone else, I'm sure I would leave someone out. But, I do think of all of you when I visit. I'm glad we have this place to come and visit.  A place to listen, a place to grieve, a place to share, a place to heal, a place to just be.

Here we are beginning another week ....... life goes on ......

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[Guest]

Good morning.

The second week after Stephanie died, I had a dream. 

She was standing in front of me, smiling.  I couldn’t reach her and my pain did not ease.  I just stared at her, longing, hoping, hurting.

Her gaze never left my eyes and her smile never dimmed.  No words were spoken.

She began to ascend backwards, into the sky, still smiling.  The further away from me she got, the brighter she became…..still smiling….the light enveloped her so I could no longer make out her features. 

I’m going to try to get chores done today.  Basic chores.   

I wish each of you peace and comfort.

[mysonrich]

good morning BI, a bit chilly here today. The warm breezes life my spirits, the cold seems to take me back a few steps/feet.

 

Dee, nice pic's. I understand now. Lions. Wreaths . I couldn't figure that one out.

 

Sue, another page of the life of Michelle. " She now soars"

 

Trudi, I'm so sorry. the news was not good. Sometimes we don' have much fight left in us. My thought here is why 2 pain medications w/i the course of 2 days? If one dug deeper would more patients be revealed to have fallen  to " unprofessional conduct"? Strength. That would take strength.

 

 

I was thinking of tip-toeing over to the neighbor's house and unplugging the outdoor Christmas lights that also play music. Would that be mean? I mean, can we have the Thanksgiving first?

 

 

Betsy, mysonRich

[4everjoeysmom]

Dan, It was such a kind thing you did to mow the space for your cemetery neighbor family. I know how very much that would have meant to me... You have a dear heart.

Love the picture of Brian, Greg! Fishing!!!

[ericasmom]

So I am running late, what the hey,

just needed my at home fix with you guys, would love to stay home today after a very poor night of sleep. I am a worried Mom, worried about my Son. More later.

Just give him a prayer of finding joy in the day, let some worry go.

Bonnie, thank you for that, perhaps that is the albumn we will listen to today in school, BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER, my 8th grade teacher had us analyze the album, it had just come out. Mr. Windsor was/is one of my heroes as he brought the world into a fine focus for us, he made us responsible for our actions, showed us what happens to the world when folks aren't. I loved that man. He also pulled me aside one day to say, " Diane, (that's my real name), I know something is wrong at home, I can feel it. You may not be able to share what it is, but if you ever can, I am here. Just know, that whatever it is, it will not always be this way, you will have to work very hard to make sure that it does not always feel this way, but you can do it."

I do believe the man saved my life that day, at least saved me from the same kinds of complicity that rolled into each generation of my family allowing the heinous abuse that took my childhood. Thank you Sir, and to you, this day of goodness as I turn to my students and try like heck to give them the same...

And to you all, it will take a great deal of work, but I promise that it will not always feel as it does this morning. I am at 6 years, 4 months. She is everpresent in ways that give me hope.

My heart to you,

dee

[ericasmom]

Sorry, missed Claudia and Betsy, we all posted at the same time. BEtsy, I will tip-toe with you, can't stand the overdone stuff, nope not mean, however prosecutable.

I agree with the others DAN, you are a good soul, so open to those who ache, a quiet force of good.

[lolynbo]

ITS NOT THAT U TIPTOE, ITS HOW YOU TRIP OVER THE CORD AND ACCIDENTLY UNPLUG IT EVERYTIME YOU GO OUT SIDE...

IM FEELING BETTER TODAY, BUT IVE ONLY BEEN UP 20 MINUTES, BUT I AM UP...

I LOVE YAL...YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO WRITE TO GET THE PAIN OUT..AND MAYBE JUST MAYBE ITLL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR A BIT.....

 

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  we know the feeling well...am glad that you are up today, and possibly feeling a mite better...your sweet Kourt is right there, on your shoulder..."momma...thank you for thinking of me...thank you for remembering me...thank you..."

[briansdad]

HERE IS A NEAT PIC OF BRIAN AND ALYSSA IN OUR BACK YARD.

[briansdad]

Here is another of my favs of the B-man.

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Precious, precious photos...can never get enough of them, because it feels like that's all we have left in order to physically "see" them....

[ericasmom]

Greg, thanks for sharing. One thing that comes through loud and clear with photos of Brian with his Alyssa, he is a natural at being a Daddy. So clearly at home in his role.

dee