Loss of an Adult Child

[Changed]

Carol, can that dream give you any comfort ?  That he is getting on with  things , that he’s ok  ?
I’m glad that you saw him though and that he was busy.  Love Roz x

[NiquesMom]

Oh, the longing for more, I know it well! I am glad you had a dream, but am sad that it wasn't more.

I had a dream of Christopher last night. I took a long bus ride, met him at a shopping center. I brought him a change of clothes but he wanted "the blue shirt without the buttons.". Very weird dream. I was missing him more yesterday so it was interesting to have that dream last night.

[Changed]

Virginia,  that was a lot - has the dream lasted as your day went on?   I’m always surprised  that a dream about David is so precious and real  but then fades within days - how can that be when the dream is so  important ? 
 

jackie , are you still having your horrid searching dreams ?      Love Roz x 
 

 

[NiquesMom]

Roz, it was so vivid I believe it was a visit. Since I didn't wake up crying I think that's a good sign 

[Michael Rodriguez]

im glad all of you guys are having those dreams....i have had dreams that involve B , but they have been kind of vague ....except one .

he was standing there with out a beard , i hugged him , and i could feel the kevlar in his chest where they removed the 3 ribs , thgen i grab him by the hand tell him to come with me and he says no , im ok here. it was so real, i mean there is no way i am able to forget any part of that dream

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Everyone,

Dearest Roz, I do not have the "hunting and screaming for Garrett" dreams as often but I do have them...  I have been having another dream in tandem with the hunting and screaming ones.    Dreams that Garrett is here but he has to go back.   I have found the dreams hopeful even thought hie has to go back to another place.   I have been in a particularly dark place, even though trying to find my way.   Garrett always said he wanted a raccoon and he was going to call him Eugene..... I have had this visitor for about a month and a half.... he come regularly and I call him Eugene.   I might have to call him Eugenie as she takes my bird suet to feed her little ones...

Love and hugs, Jackie

[Changed]

Jackie,  she’s cute - we don’t have them here  so she seems quite exotic to me .  Is it very open area around  your home ?  It looks very woodlandy .

A dream where our children are busy and not struggling to stay with us seems like the kindest sort  - I haven’t had many dreams of David  but at least none of them have been cruel. 

l’ve been crying a lot lately  - not over David particularly- but anything I read, see or hear that is emotional it seems to get me and I’m off.   Yesterday , for instance , I was just about to go to get my weekly food shop and I was listening to an audio book as I got ready - it was one of Bennett’s Talking  Heads - I’ve read them before but they are so good  I ordered the audio - so no surprises in store but the sadness of it all really got me.   I had jaw ache trying to suppress my reaction and it was ages before I could get in the car.    I need to stay away from the sad stuff       Roz x

 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Roz

We live at the end of a small street cul de sac.   We have open fields on two sides.   Eugenie comes on a consistent basis now and I have enjoyed her coming.   She knows I am taking  her picture but it doesn't seem to bother her.  Garrett has always loved his raccoons and that makes her even more special to me.  I believe with all my heart and soul Garrett is close.   I believe our children are with us...  I have seen and heard too much to believe anything else.   Garrett is on my mind and heart all the time.   I miss him terrible and I ache to grab him close and hug him.   I still have the rabid animal ripping my insides apart and most mornings I wake up with a heavy ache of sorrow pressing on my heart.  

I hope you are feeling a little better.   It is a hell of a life we live now, somewhere between living and just existing... however the pain is never gone and always ready to explode with more.  It will be three years in August on my birthday... god I still cant believe this is the life I am forced to endure....  I feel such sorrow and much rage.  Sorry to all for the maudlin message... It has been a very difficult few months for me.  My eldest is still suffering so much pain physically and emotionally.   She is still entangled in an ugly court battle since the attack.  

My precious babies, I just wanted to watch them grow and live a happy life.  I wanted to meet their spouses and hold their children, my grandbabies.... I wanted to keep my three babies safe and happy..    I feel like I have failed miserably on that front...  and what I have left is a broken soul that is barely able to function at times and when I do it is only a shadow of the woman I once was.   Happiness is a thing of the past.   I don't even remember what it feels like anymore.  Sorry again for the down trodden message.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

jackie , i know the feeling....and BTW i will be a grandpa!!!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,   I am sorry we are here, the pain is relentless and continual..  but I wish you a tremendous Congratulations on becoming a Grandpa!  

Love and hugs,

Jackie

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael,  congratulations.  I hope you will be able to spend time with the new addition to your family.  I know spending time with my grand daughter sure lifts my spirits. 

[KayC]

Being a grandparent is wonderful!

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I have been thinking of your daughter all night and I wish her the very best in this new and most blessed experience.   I had trouble conceiving but I had wonderful pregnancies and even more wonderful deliveries... they were easy and fun.  My longest labor was 12 hours.    I am wishing and hoping the same for your girl and your little one.   Tell her to take care of herself but to enjoy.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thanks to everybody......we are really excited. her name is charlie jupiter (please, i beg , no comments on the name) .....so i already named her CJ. you'ld think with that name that both odf them were pot heads or whatever...one is a lawyer and the other one is a marketing executive holding accounts like citi bank and michelin tires ....so i have no idea how they came up with that name.

[Jacqueline3]

Hello Everyone,  

I sit here everyday or do the endless work in the house or yard and I wonder what in hell has happened to my life.   I miss my Garrett so much I can barely stand to speak.   I feel as if I have fallen back into that dark pit and cage where I spent the first year after this tragedy, banging my head on the bars and screaming Garrett's name..   My eldest is suffering so much and I watch useless, unable to make things right for her.    She has been the only one that has sat and listened to me as I cry for Garrett and she is suffering too.  

My husband and middle daughter as well as my family, my husbands family, friends...  have moved on, "put the ugliness behind them".  I look around and I cannot understand this ability to act as if Garrett was not and still is not a huge part of our lives.   I know people grieve differently but I cannot understand the callous disregard for Garrett's loss and Jolene's suffering.  I wish I could say I was able to help her as I once could.   Now I am so broken, I feel I do not help at all.   I try but feel as if I am failing her as I failed to save Garrett.  The doctors tell me I could have done nothing yet I have always fought for my children and I did not get even a second to fight.  He was gone so quickly, without warning.

My mother calls and talks about all the other grandchildren and the wonderful things happening in their lives or how my sister's mother-in-law is suffering so much after her sister passed or how my youngest brother is so angry at the world...(and I wonder why he has anything to be angry about.   He has his children,  a good job,  a home of his own) and  I want to vomit.   The rage and pain boil and I am left for the rest of the day sobbing and ranting alone or to poor Jolene.   I've talked to therapists and doctors and they are no help.... they want to give me more pills and tell me I must find ground.   I wonder and hate this miserable life.   Where do I go from this hellish,  unchangeable place?  I will go nowhere without my Garrett and without helping Jolene.   Where and how do I go? 

Jackie.

Dearest Michael,   I rather like the name, Charlie Jupiter... and I love your use of CJ.   It is a unique and special name for a special little one.  

 

[Changed]

Michael,  did you say that you will be a grandpa or that you are?   Either way it’s very exciting - my love to your family   Roz 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i will ....some where between dec 30-jan 3

[NiquesMom]

Michael, I am sending love and hugs to you, nerida and your daughter for a sweet healthy baby

Hopefully this will bring joy to everyone, even though you will still feel the pain of the loss of B (that will never go away)

[Jacqueline3]

Hello to all,

My journey on this heinous road has been a very lonely one.   I wanted to thank you all for the kindness you have shown me over the time I have been here.    I am tired and once again in the darkened cage where I lived for so long.  As with my family and friends, I feel perhaps my time here with all of you has come to an end.   I have questions and issues concerning my pain that others either have not felt or most likely it is much too painful for them to visit once again and talk with me about it.  I am sorry if I have forced anyone to suffer through past trauma.   I will continue this ugly walk, although at the moment I know not where I will next turn.   I thank you again for all of your kindness and I wish you all the very best.   Michael I wish for your daughter and grandbaby a very healthy and happy delivery.

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

[NiquesMom]

Jackie, I try not to judge how anyone grieves.

I know you are hurting, we all do. Even if i do not always speak of the pain, it is always there. For me, I don't need to talk about it to know it's still there, always there. I am sorry you feel alone in your grief, I know that makes it feel harder.

I always here to listen.

I hope you keep talking and moving forward on your journey.  This is a hard road, and I believe one day you will look back and say "I made it to the other side of my grief." Grief is the other side of love, and I am trying to remember the love and not the loss.

[Changed]

Dear Jackie, if you do happen to read this….  Please try to continue to reach out for support -  if not here then wherever you feel understood.  
  Grief for a lost child  changes us forever - perhaps , some of us carry it deep inside us and gain no relief in sharing just how torturous our grief is  - that may be misconstrued and give the impression that we are ‘recovered’  or  ‘over it’ .   Believe me , that is not the case.   

You are suffering terribly , trust me , we all hear you and do understand , really we do.   Take my love with you as you battle through this sad life.   Roz x 

[Mason’s Mom]

Jackie,  I hope you do continue to read because we care. Sometimes we aren't as active and things are slow but the pain of loss is still with us.  I battle with trying to stay present for the loved ones still here with me. I have to remember that they suffered a loss too but other than my husband their loss is different.  I hope you find peace and comfort. 

With love,  Carol 

[Michael Rodriguez]

jackie , you have been part of this group ....you can not go away. we all carry that same pain , i can not leave home with out kissing B's urn every morning and saying good morning with both a smile and a tear ......and i follow the same routine when i get home. we are all in pain , and we all share that pain together.

jackie, when i have had bad hair days , you have been there for me . please let us keep on being there for you. 

you have to admit , that more than once one of us has made you smile , so just stay with us. let us all together walk this road together like we have been. 

we all love you, stay with us

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest All,

You have all fucking made me cry.... I love you guys too!  You have been with me since the beginning of this heinous nightmare.  .  I have been so bad of late, I don't know where to turn.  My family will not talk to me, My husband and middle daughter gloss over everything and Jolene has been put on medications to handle stress.  How can I keep laying things on her?   I cant.  

When No one answered yesterday,   I felt maybe you were all sick of hearing me too.   I miss Garrett so damned much and Ive always been such a vocal person.   I need to hear what I am feeling.  It helps me.   Sometimes I just want to scream with the injustice of it all.     I don't want to leave all of you, I just didn't want you to be disgusted  and sick of me like my family. 

Writing this out, it sounds pathetic for a 62 year old woman but honestly without Jolene and all of you, I wouldn't be here.  Thank you!    I'll keep talking, thank you for catching me once again when I was on my ass ready to fold....   And yes, you have all made me smile... Thank you.

I love you all,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

and just as we just showed you how much we care , i am sure that your husband and daughter also care!! just have a smile for them even if its only once in a while a.....they also need it 

[Jacqueline3]

Dearest Michael,

I have never said a word to either or expressed any signs of upset.  I do know people grieve differently and I also know some people cannot deal with this measure of ugliness.  That is no insult to anyone, just facts.   My husband has always been hands off with any medical problems... Jolene's mystery illness, which just recently we finally found out (after 16 years of doctors and "shes crazy"  diagnosis)  is a form of skeletal dwarfism.   Also Joe could not deal  with Garrett's asthma or his allergies.  I am not criticizing, I am just asking for the same courtesy.   It has been a downward turn of late and I am not sure the reason.   It will be 3 years in August and it just breaks my heart anew.

Thanks,

Jackie

[Michael Rodriguez]

im sorry for bringing it up the way i did.....but we are here for you

[Changed]

Jackie, I’m not sure if you could face this but there is a mindfulness for grief advice.  I have the tv on and the mother of a young girl who was murdered was talking about how mindfulness exercises have helped her stay afloat.   She said when the grief was too much for her she was taught how to redirect the brain.    Perhaps you could look into it  . 
Hers daughter’s murder was very dark and high profile giving her grief an extra dimension of torture so it may be worth investigating

.   Roz x 

[NiquesMom]

Hi all,

We are having some feelings in our house.

My sister in law and nephew are leaving. They have been here 5 months, and even though they drove me crazy, it was nice to have another adult to talk to again. Nice to have other people in the house. So quiet, just me and Kyle. 

Guess we will get used to being alone again.

[NiquesMom]

So, I am selling my truck. It was the last family vehicle that all 4 of us were in.

It hit me really hard, harder than I anticipated. Sat here in tears.

It's a young guy going to buy it, fix it up, so at least the vehicle gets another lease on life. 

But it's so final. Last piece of my whole family. My life will never be the same. She has been dead 6.5 years, Christopher dead 2. I know they aren't coming back but it's so final to sell off a piece of my life.

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, I understand. We still.have Mason's truck. Every now and then we talk about selling it too but we keep hanging on. We try to drive it from time to time. At some point I know we need to let go. Sounds like you have a lot of change going on, the world around us keeps moving even when we aren't ready. 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i understand too well !!! i have B´s jeep and, as a matter of fact, i am driving it tomorrow  as mine is on scheduled service. 

it is so hard to part ways with things that belonged to B. God, how much do i miss my son. it is funny how you get to cope with life , with your everyday routine , yet the emptiness and the sorrow never goes away. and you might be doing just fine and out of nowhere this feeling of despair come back and hits you right smack in your inner self and that pain comes right back at you.

[Changed]

Same here.  David’s jeep sat outside his home in Australia - I even saw it on Google earth - it was big and white and he loved it.  His wife was sad to let it go ( after a year or so) but she had her car and another older car of David’s  in their garage.   She had enough to be responsible for and I agreed with her to let it go.   The jeep went to a keen young buyer but it hurt a lot - I have to say though , surprisingly,  that  we all got over that quite quickly - we were able to rationalise it .   If it had been a local purchaser then that would have been a tough one - seeing it  out and about for instance - I guess  they would have had to prepare themselves for that and think of it as a little hello from David each time.
My daughter has been here with us for a few days - she is in Devon for a week touring and walking  the coastal path - I try to keep in the moment and not  dwell on our sadnesses.   
I hope Jackie is doing ok - I’m sorry that I cannot help her enough .     Take care everyone, thinking of you all.      Roz x 

[Blakesmom24]

On 3/19/2024 at 7:22 AM, Jamie S. said:

I am new on here and don’t comment a lot.  But I am reading everything.  My son passed away last October.  You all seem to know each other really well.  My son’s birthday is coming up in April.  I have planned out everything in want to do in his memory.

I lost my son last October as well and I don't comment a lot either.  My son's birthday was February 4 and we went to the cemetery.  I've only been two times even though it's only a few miles away.  This past Saturday was 39 weeks, which is how long I was pregnant with him.  It's been so hard seeing his friends turn 25 and he didn't.  What have you been doing to keep existing?

[Jamie S.]

To Blakesmom24, My son died two days before your son.  On the 27th, I thought about the nine month mark.

I go to The Compassionate Friends meetings on the first Thursday of the month.  I stay in touch with my other two children as much as I can.  My mother has not been in good health, and that has taken up a lot of my time.

I don’t go to the cemetery very often.

[Mason’s Mom]

Blakes Mom and Jamie, isn't strange how we think about time and how we relate amounts of time. I had similar thoughts and still do. My son passed away Dec 17th, 2017 and have often wondered what it would be like if he had left behind a child. A little part of him still here with us. In the months following his death his girlfriend got angry and saidsome ugly things to us and we didn't see or hear from her for a few years. I wondered if she could have been pregnant and in my mind if so I have imagined a baby or toddler and just a few weeks ago as I was trying to go to sleep I realized if that were true this child would around 6 years old.. how can that be possible. I think part of this is just wanting to find a part of him left.

I cling to my daughters and work hard to not smother them

[NiquesMom]

I was watching a movie this weekend.

In it, the 2 main characters had experience loss: one character her dad died, and one character brother died.

He makes a statement that they are good people because of the loss, because they don't want to see their parents sad again.

Made me think about Kyle, and all of our remaining children. Do you think that's what they do? Tiptoe around us, not wanting to upset us?

Hope everyone is ok. I am in a bit of a dark place, just trying to keep my head above water until I feel a little better.

[Changed]

Yes.    My daughter definitely does.  If I am having a genuine happy moment with her then I can see how extra happy that makes her .   If I do mention anything about grief then I try not to  linger  - I speak of memories of David - of when he was alive - in the same way I speak of memories of her .   I don’t  want his death to diminish the memories of his life - sometimes it’s  too hard not to be overcome by the sadness of it all but that’s not a frequent thing and after seven and a half years of grieving I think I have , in the main, my footing.

Does Kyle remember a time before the grief?   You did well to get him professional help early on.   When the misery is heavy for you then trying to protect him from it must be hard.  I know that early on we hid our grief from our grandson but it was only for a limited time that we were with him not like his mum - year in , year out.    On reflection, I think that we were wrong to appear so upbeat straight after David died.   We did it to protect him but I think it must have confused him .    Since then I speak of his dad in a matter-of-fact way when something  comes up that warrants it.     It’s lovely to hear him laugh and feel he can ask us anything about his dad.  I think we are doing this bit well.   
I hope that you can build yourself up a bit - it’s horrible when you’re going through a really miserable trough.    I always feel that you have had more than your share of losing the closest to you - I don’t know how you sort that out in your head and keep afloat  for Kyle’s sake  .   Love you Virginia- you’re doing wonders.   Roz x 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  I know my girls tip toe around me at times.  I try so hard to be in the moment with them and talking about Mason has gotten easier, especially with my oldest.  She has never been affectionate and it takes her time to work through emotions.  My youngest has told me that she felt like she had to hold us up and be our emotional support. I hate that she felt so much was put on her.

Roz, do you talk with your grandson often? Do you think you will be able to have an in person visit with him anytime soon?

[Changed]

Carol,  I’m actually on line with him at the moment - he’s streaming a Star Wars game and we can talk together as I watch.   I sometimes play a game with him on my Xbox  but I’m too slow to be much of a side kick to him.     In fact, Xbox  gave us a good link across the miles  - it’s kept it easy and casual to talk without being heavy stuff  ( we bought an Xbox so  we could  still be desirable to him to contact us and not a chore)      I do think he will visit us  at some point but my overriding desire is that he is safe and happy . 
so yes, we talk often .   Sometimes there is a gap - I expect he is doing his own thing during that period then he  contacts us to ask  what music we like.   We will have hours of  sharing each others choices - his reaction is funny  as we shock him  with our turns.    AC/DC  shook him.   I never thought we would get to do that - thank goodness for modern technology.     It’s not the way  I would have wanted things to be but it’s what we have got and better than nothing.       
T he other week he asked if we’d seen  a particular  movie - we hadn’t  - so we synced our Netflix with theirs and watched the movie together - able to comment to each other  as we watched - it was the sharing and bonding that mattered.     I can go down a path of feeling really sorry for myself  but that only makes me feel worse.   I cannot undo anything that has happened  to totally change my life so I have to embrace what I can still have.   Love Roz x

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, I think it is great that you connect with him via XBox and Netflix. AC/DC surprises me too. My husband Tim's best friend's name is Tommy, we tease and call them T.N.T. gaming and music is a good way to bond.

[Michael Rodriguez]

ladies , i was wondering where you guys had gone . last nite i was thinking that nobody had posted for about a week ....BTW it is a she (nikki is expecting a girl!!) her name is charlie jupiter (please dont ask ) i can see all of you guys going .........HUHHHH????.....i know ...so i already gave her a nickname;CJ.

she is expected to be born in the first week of january , we will be spending xmas and ny with them , but i am coming back on jan 2, nereida will stay in portland. she is headed to portland on nov 2nd and coming back some time in january.

[Changed]

Michael - good news is always welcome .    When I was in the supermarket today a couple had their brand new baby with them - a little girl - she was exquisite.   I’d forgotten how tiny a new born can be.  They were so happy and proud that it gave off happiness to everyone else.    It’s lovely to think that you will be getting that in your life - I look forward to your posts about her. Roz 

[Mason’s Mom]

Michael,  congrats a little girl and I like the name Charlie for a girl. She will have a unique name, reminds me of the song "Drops of Jupiter".

[Michael Rodriguez]

thank you all !!!! i can not wait either

[NiquesMom]

A baby is exciting, and little girls are fun to shop for!

[NiquesMom]

My heart hurts 💔 

Dr appt this morning to take out my stitches (cyst removal few weeks back). Checking on Kyle since he was on his way to school, young girl taking out the stitches says "is he your only?". Hate that question.

Second day of school, in math class, teacher asks who has siblings. All kids raise their hands except Kyle. He had a question on his homework that he had to make an algebraic equation. He entered niques information because he didn't want to be the only one with no siblings. 

There are always going to be those moments but it makes me sad 😭 

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  it does hurt to answer those questions.  Sorry it all hits at once for you and Kyle.

[Changed]

Virginia,  That is a coincidence  -  I had MOHs surgery on Monday - the surgeon was saying he was going to work in New Zealand - he was interested in the fact that  I had lived there and my children were born there having  New Zealand passports.  He asked where they lived now - I said my daughter was in uk and my son in Australia   ! I didn’t go into any details about them - no need as he was more interested in where we lived, what we did and if we liked.   If he’d asked more about David and Australia I don’t think I would have said he’d died.  He didn’t need to know but may be if he pressed for some reason then I would probably have been more honest but as he didn’t then I kept it easier for us both.    Isn’t that odd that I didn’t  say.    It would have felt dismissive of David somehow.    We went from factual stuff about the past quickly to current  situations and I kept on in the past tense.

The sibling question - Kyle has a sibling but she has passed over / in heaven - whatever reflects where he thinks she is.  If he prefers not to get into that conversation then that is understandable.   So long as he is ok with it - he may choose  only to tell close friends  or when it feels right.

If anyone asks me how many children I have I say two - because I do - even though one of them has gone ahead.      It’s tricky if they want more info but I will decide what I want to share - it’s mine to give and mine to withhold - it would depend on how comfortable I feel and how appropriate the time and place.

I may sound in denial- I’m not , honest.  When I meet one of the ladies from the club i used to go to before David died they ask why I stopped going - I simply say that I lost my son and never had the heart  to carry on attending.   They are mature women usually just saying how sorry they are for my family or share their own experience - we don’t linger on it but I’ll ask how the lectures are going and who still attends etc etc  its not too deep - I don’t need to go deep .

Just my tuppence for what it’s worth.    Sorry that you and Kyle both had to deal with those moments.     I  remember when my grandson had to attend a Father’s Day event at school - I was so sad for him and what he must be feeling - I’m aware that Kyle has that to cope with too.     It’s a tough old world    Love Roz x 

 

 

[Michael Rodriguez]

i agree with you roz. in my humble opinion , kyle still has a sibling .....at least , maybe because she is already 36 years old , nikki whjen asked will say she has a younger brother. people that know, well they know. 

but people who dont, why going into details ......nikki is the first tom say that brian is still her confident , that what ever problem she has the first one she will turn to is brian