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Loss of an Adult Child


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Mason’s Mom

Roz, thinking about you this month. 

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Hi Carol,  thank you for that.    It was David’s birthday earlier this month - as  you had last month for Mason’s birthday  - we know all it brings to our hearts.   We lost David the last day of November - very close to when you lost beautiful Mason -   so painful and heavy a load .  I know that Virginia too shares the upcoming anguish of dates as we approach Christmas. 

How did Maddie’s move go - smooth and exciting I hope.   It’s a big step  - good for her. 


I was thinking about you saying that you still have a struggle with your thoughts before falling asleep - I have a method that I use and it allows me to switch off all that is in my head - it doesn’t always work - depending on what I’m worried about - but it does let me stop going over and over David’s death  (I’m  carrying that with me always , anyway,  but I need to rest my mind before I sleep - so do you love).   
I used to look out into the night before I went to bed and thought of David travelling ,  or later  , when he settled in Australia -  thinking of what he was up to .   I carried on doing that in the years following his death  but realised it was really distressing me and offered no comfort any more - so I’ve stopped doing that - I was just punishing myself .

We all have to navigate this horrible road of grief - lots is hidden from view .   I do my best trying to be there for the family, trying to make sense of my emotions  and recognising who I am now - it’s certainly not who David knew. 
Take care , love Roz.

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Michael Rodriguez

roz, that is so true , we are no longer what our kids left behind, we are broken and as much as we try to hide what our feelings are , they always come out. first few months after B left us i would ask with the strongest of convictions for a sign that where he was , he was ok. i still, at times keep on asking for that sign.

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Matthew48
2 hours ago, Michael Rodriguez said:

roz, that is so true , we are no longer what our kids left behind, we are broken and as much as we try to hide what our feelings are , they always come out. first few months after B left us i would ask with the strongest of convictions for a sign that where he was , he was ok. i still, at times keep on asking for that sign.

Hello. How are you?

I only usually post in the loss of parent section, but I decided to venture over to other subforums to see what's being said/discussed.

You said something that really rings true with me: "We are broken, and as much as we try to hide what our feelings are, they always come out."  That's so very true. I have a lot of grief that manifests as anger. Our society doesn't allow people to grieve properly, so we always have to put on a "nice face" for everyone. 

People will ask you how you are. If you are honest, they get offended.

By the way, I'm in my second year of grief after losing my mother (suffered a stroke/seizures) in her early 70s. She died two years later from hospital-induced sepsis.

My father and I felt abandoned while caring for my mother after her stroke by her own siblings. That's another issue I have. Then, when she died, her sisters became vicious with me and my mother over nothing. It was terrible. All of them but one have stopped talking to us. 

I lost my mother twice: after the stroke, and two years later in death from sepsis. She was never the same after her stroke, even though she recovered very well physically. Her mind started to go, even though she retained some of her old personality traits and could still read and be sharp about things. 

I thought things would get better in the second year -- boy, did I get a surprise!  In some ways, I'm a little better, but in many ways, I'm worse. The pain never stops. I always think I'm going to wake up someday and there she'll be in her kitchen. Not going to happen in this lifetime. I know that she was not young or middle-aged, but I always think I could have had her for another 10-15 years or so.

Sorry to post on here about my mother -- I know this section is only for people who have lost children. But your words really stood out to me as as true.

In closing, I know you live through terrible pain every day. I suppose the only consolation is knowing that other people are feeling tremendous grief, too. It's part of the human experience.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you true peace and healing.

 

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Michael Rodriguez
36 minutes ago, Matthew48 said:

Hello. How are you?

I only usually post in the loss of parent section, but I decided to venture over to other subforums to see what's being said/discussed.

You said something that really rings true with me: "We are broken, and as much as we try to hide what our feelings are, they always come out."  That's so very true. I have a lot of grief that manifests as anger. Our society doesn't allow people to grieve properly, so we always have to put on a "nice face" for everyone. 

People will ask you how you are. If you are honest, they get offended.

By the way, I'm in my second year of grief after losing my mother (suffered a stroke/seizures) in her early 70s. She died two years later from hospital-induced sepsis.

My father and I felt abandoned while caring for my mother after her stroke by her own siblings. That's another issue I have. Then, when she died, her sisters became vicious with me and my mother over nothing. It was terrible. All of them but one have stopped talking to us. 

I lost my mother twice: after the stroke, and two years later in death from sepsis. She was never the same after her stroke, even though she recovered very well physically. Her mind started to go, even though she retained some of her old personality traits and could still read and be sharp about things. 

I thought things would get better in the second year -- boy, did I get a surprise!  In some ways, I'm a little better, but in many ways, I'm worse. The pain never stops. I always think I'm going to wake up someday and there she'll be in her kitchen. Not going to happen in this lifetime. I know that she was not young or middle-aged, but I always think I could have had her for another 10-15 years or so.

Sorry to post on here about my mother -- I know this section is only for people who have lost children. But your words really stood out to me as as true.

In closing, I know you live through terrible pain every day. I suppose the only consolation is knowing that other people are feeling tremendous grief, too. It's part of the human experience.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you true peace and healing.

 

thanks for sharing, so sad about your mother mine passed away back in nov 4 2008 , the day that president obama won the elections. i wish she was here , she passed at the tender age of 89 yrs old. my dad passed at 71 back in 1985...i was 22 yrs old at the time, so that was tough

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NiquesMom

Oh it is so true that we will never be the same person.

Sometimes I get a glimpse of the old me, but lots of times I miss her, she didn't know how good she had it.

My mom died in 1999 (shocked me that this was 25 years she has been gone, I was only 19 when she died, I had her less time alive), and I remember thinking that was the worst pain I would ever feel.

Then my dad died in 2014, my daughter died 2017, and my husband 2022. 

I miss them all in different ways, at different times. And I actually miss my husband most now, I think because it's the most recent loss. 

I know we never get over the losses, but I can see lots of times when I am able to function fully without the stabbing pain. But never a day passes that I don't think of one of them, or multiple of them.

The holidays are coming and normally I try to be away from home since it is so empty, just me and my son. This year we will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas so will see how depressed I get.

 

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NiquesMom

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Very quiet. Went to a dark place last night, worrying that Kyle would die. He went to a friend's birthday party/sleepover and I couldn't pull myself away from the negative thoughts.

I booked another trip, trying to give us something to look forward to. Kyle found am indoor theme park in New Jersey, so we will go there and then I think maybe Iceland. Finding it really hard to travel during the school year since he is in middle school now. 

So we will try to take a trip in March for spring break and then a trip over summer. 

Really hard to stay home, the quiet gets to me.

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Virginia,  it’s understandable that we can fear for our children when we have had our worse nightmare already happen to our families.     If I go down that road about my daughter it is so unbearable a thought that I can only think that I would go with her.   I don’t know how I could survive and I don’t ever want to find out.    
She was here for this weekend  actually - she came by train on Friday afternoon and went back today (Sunday) .    I try not to become maudlin and focus on enjoying  the time with her - she is fun and I can see how happy she is if I join in .     We had lovely weather too so that was a bonus.

Your trips sound great and I always think that although part of your heart isn’t in it you are laying down new memories for Kyle and good on you for that.     Do you have any social pass times for yourself ?   I don’t know what your interests are - they kind of get lost with the clamber of sad thoughts for our heads.   I  have stopped all the classes and such I used to like - I fully intend to find something to get involved with but push and shove isn’t happening so it remains a good intention.

( One plus for me this week - I had a dream I was on honeymoon with George Clooney !   How random  )

Yes it is quiet here but there is a response when anyone who cares to ‘speak’ and I’m sorry that Jackie stopped posting.       I hope that she is ok.   I see us all as friends even though we have never met - earlier today my daughter said she was thinking of going to Costa Rica for a holiday and I said ‘my friend ,Michael , lives near there ‘   not that near , I know , but it was lovely to  include people I’ve been talking to here as friends.

Thats my bit for now, love Roz x

 

 

 

 

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Michael Rodriguez

yes we are friends , more than friends if i may say so !!!!!! BTW costa rica is a bit over rated. if you look at the numbers , there is more repeated tourism in honduras than in CR , and countries are so small that we are literally hours away one from the other. 

not because i am from honduras, but we do have more places to visit. the cities are like any city in the states tall buildings and fast foods, over passes and a lot of traffic. 

but copan and the bay islands are worth the trip. the coral reefs in honduras are out of this world.....i live in tegucigalpa, my factory is 15 miles away from tegucigalpa, it takes me , in the mornings about 25 minutes to get to work and as soon as you break the city limits you realize that you sre driving thru a forest.....beautiful

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I’ll pass that info on Michael - they have visited many places around the globe and are always ready for a new adventure.   So many locations are disappointing- once tourism increases to unsustainable levels it makes life horrible for the locals .    
We were watching a you tube video of Costa Rica and it looked beautiful  - I think where you are and all around you is breathtaking.   
You’ll be getting very excited now as your grandchild gets ready to say ‘hi’.    What will you be called ?   Or rather what would you like to be called?    Roz x

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Mason’s Mom

I agree with Michael we are more than friends. We have a bond and I think of all of you. I wonder about Jackie as well. Roz, what does your grandson called you? Maggie calls me Nena, not sure why but I love to here her say it. She calls my husband Poppy. 

Virginia, I know the struggle if letting our surving kids out of sight. A few times I have felt a panic attach coming on, very hard to let it go.

 

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He called me ‘my grandma’  and my husband was ‘grandad spikey ‘. ( designer stubble hence the spikes)  .      Sometimes he called me Mrs McDougall - that’s not my name but it is the character I pretended to be when we played schools together and sometimes Debra the zebra ( also a game we played) .     When we were out and about he’d sometimes call me one of those  - we played lots of parts but those stuck with him.   Nowadays we are  grandma and grandad the English one ( his other  grandad  lives in Australia ).

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Dianas Mom

My first grandchild tried to say grandma Yvonne but he couldn't  pronounce my name and it came out as grandma Von. It stuck and all 9 of my grandchildren call me grandma Von!! I love it.  🙂

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Yesterday was the first anniversary of my son’s passing.  I just put up a simple memorial with a photo of my son between some flameless candles.  I was glad to get the day over with. At times, I think I am coming to more acceptance of what happened.  

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Blakesmom24

In about 3 1/2 hours it'll be a year since losing our son.  This year has been torture, to put it mildly.

grief.jpg

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Blakesmom24, I remember talking to you before since our sons passed so close together.  It has been a hard year, that is for sure.  I feel like I have done all I could to help myself cope.  I go to Compassionate Friends meetings.  I have made a close friend that I met on a child loss Facebook group—she also lost an adult son to overdose.  Some days are better than others.

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Dear Blakesmom and Jamie S ,   Unbelievable pain and sadness for you both.    Please take care .     Love,  Roz  

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Michael Rodriguez
On 10/28/2024 at 11:21 AM, Changed said:

I’ll pass that info on Michael - they have visited many places around the globe and are always ready for a new adventure.   So many locations are disappointing- once tourism increases to unsustainable levels it makes life horrible for the locals .    
We were watching a you tube video of Costa Rica and it looked beautiful  - I think where you are and all around you is breathtaking.   
You’ll be getting very excited now as your grandchild gets ready to say ‘hi’.    What will you be called ?   Or rather what would you like to be called?    Roz x

 

On 10/28/2024 at 11:21 AM, Changed said:

I’ll pass that info on Michael - they have visited many places around the globe and are always ready for a new adventure.   So many locations are disappointing- once tourism increases to unsustainable levels it makes life horrible for the locals .    
We were watching a you tube video of Costa Rica and it looked beautiful  - I think where you are and all around you is breathtaking.   
You’ll be getting very excited now as your grandchild gets ready to say ‘hi’.    What will you be called ?   Or rather what would you like to be called?    Roz x

morning, good question, has not even crossed my mind !!!

On 10/28/2024 at 7:33 PM, Mason’s Mom said:

Roz, love the nicknames. 

me too!!°!°!

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Michael Rodriguez

jamie s, blakesmom 24.....we all know to well what that first year means ,but in reality every single day is as painful as the one before. xmas is coming , and we did not spend his last xmas with him, he went to las vegas w his girlfriend and then spent new years with his sister in portland ....so the last xmas i spent with my son was back in 2019 , and as i write this , i can feel some tears rolling out of my eyes ....i wish i could tell that it gets better, but at least in my case, is as bad or worst than day 1 !!

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NiquesMom

The first few years are terrible. But for me it has softened with time.

As I approach year 7 next month, I cannot believe it has been that long. Now, most days, I just have an ache, a longing to share something with nique, a memory, a laugh, a hug. Most days are ok, but still the knife can stab my heart, usually when least expected.

Last night Kyle told me he kissed his first girl. He is 11, and he should have his dad here for this. I don't know anything about being a teenage boy, and I worry that I won't be able to help him navigate these new feelings.

My people are gone and I want them back 

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Virginia,  It was me who dealt with the kids not my husband ( business took a lot of his time - overseas travel and at his office in London) .    I had a good open relationship with our children and could talk with them with much more ease than they could with their dad.    Sounds harsh but it’s true.     My husband was good with them for the holidays and weekend outings but he wasn’t available  throughout most weeks.  
I hope, and trust, that my grandson is able to talk to his mum about the teenage boy stuff without David there to help - there is lots of info available to help navigate the tricky stuff in a sensitive way and I’m sure they use that .      Not ideal but my husband only had his mother ( he was only two or three when his dad died)  throughout his childhood and there was nothing  to fall back on for guidance in those days.

All these milestones with Kyle will sting you as you long for Christopher to be there for him .   You are doing so well in creating an exciting  life for  Kyle with so many experiences to make him happy .    He will remember  this and you should be proud of yourself .   It will be the stroppy or difficult days that will try you but you have come through a lot and you  can do this.    Love , Roz x

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I completely skipped Christmas last year because my son had just passed away.  But this year, I feel I can decorate a little.  My other two children are coming to visit for Christmas, and I am excited about that.  I am making plans.  I feel like I must be making progress emotionally since I am looking forward to the holidays.

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