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honeybear

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Hello

It has been 10 months since my son Jeremiah passed away. It seems to be getting harder as times goes by. I feel myself going in/out of depression. My only strength comes from my faith in the Lord. It is just hard I miss him deeply!!!

Jere's

Mom

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hONEYBEAR,

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 8 MONTHS NOW SINCE I'VE LOST MY HUSBAND AND IT SEEMS TO BE HARDER IN ALOT OF WAYS. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST HIM. AND I THINK EVERYONE LOOKS ON AND THINKS SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH TIME AND IS GETTING OVER IT NOW....WHICH REALLY PISSES ME OFF! AND, WHERE THE HECK HAS EVERYONE GONE...BACK TO BUSINESS AND LIFE. ONE THING THIS ALL HAS PROVEN TO ME IS WE AS A SOCIETY DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH DEATH AND NO-ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. SO WE, THE ONES THAT LIVE IT FIRST HAND ARE ISOLATED IN MANY WAYS. AND IN OTHER WAYS WE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THEM EITHER BECAUSE IT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.WE HAVE TO FIND OUR OWN WAY HERE AND IT IS NOT EASY. I STILL CRY EVERYDAY AND LONG FOR WHAT ONCE WAS AND I CAN NEVER HAVE AGAIN...SOMEONE WHO WAS TOTALLY SNATCHED FROM ME AND MY FAMILY. SOMETIMES, I WONDER WHAT THE PURPOSE IS HERE AND WHY SUCH AWFUL THING HAVE TO HAPPEN TO REALLY GOOD PEOPLE. I FEEL AS IF I'M NUMB HALF THE TIME...I REALLY MISS HIM AND STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED....LAURA

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To All,

Each of us who has experienced a life changing personal loss must realize that there is no "ONE" way to heal as well as no "ONE" specific way to handle what has just happened to all of us. We must also remember that there is "NO" wrong way to grieve for those who have either suddenly, unexpectedly or knowingly left our life, as devastating as that tragic event may have been or is still having a painful affect on our current life and way of living it. However, and at all costs, we must avoid any kind of behavior that is self-destructive in nature because it only postpones the inevitable, that searing and raw emotional pain, which must be dealt with and finally accepted before we can actually begin to find that path to healing.

There is nothing wrong with seeing, sharing or even trying other's methods of how they might be coping or handling their own life shattering loss, but in the end, we must all do what we "BELIEVE" is "RIGHT" for us, no matter how crazy or weird or strange others might view it to be, at least until they begin to understand each of our own personal situations in trying to cope with a loss that occupies most of our waking thoughts, words, feelings and emotions. Please, let each of us try to give yourselves great credit, not only for being able to have weathered, by far, the worst natural disaster that any of us could ever possibly imagine ever happening to us, the loss of a cherished and valued loved one, but let us remind ourselves that we have, indeed, survived and now we must, at our own pace, begin to put the pieces of our lives back together, as best as we can, so that those who are depending on us can find their own security, peace, comfort and ways of coping, too.

Sure, it is an enormous task for each of us to be grieving for those who have left us as well as trying to keep one's family together or at least trying to sharing some aspects of some kind of a "NORMAL" life once again, if that will ever be truly possible again. However, we must realize that our way back to emotional and mental healing is never ever in a straight line. If we can remember that there will be times when we will experience great progress in both mental and emotional stability only then to be thrusted backward to that very day and time when all those emotions and feelings were at the worst, then we can begin to understand that all of what we are going through is a part of this slow process of healing. We have got to take our time and never be forced or pushed to accept any time frame for healing, even if we are snubbed by those who seemed, at first to be our friends. Remember, this is your LIFE and not theirs to direct. You must do what you have to do to survive, to make ends meet, to keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy, otherwise this painful process of grief will continue to take it toll on everything you will think, do or say.

I think it is important for each of us to remember that, in spite of all we have suffered through and painfully endured, we have SURVIVED!! That alone, in time will allow us, because of the many and various inner emotions, feelings and thoughts about what has changed our lives, to be better able, if we choose to do so, to reach out to those who will not know what to do when their personal tragedy strikes them and brings then to their knees because of that intense and numbing pain, which nothing seems to be able stop or prevent. Most of us may not realize this, but we are becoming better equipped, both mentally and emotionally, to do that for another hurting human being because of all that we have suffered through, while at the same time beginning to be more understanding, to be more sympathetic, to be more tolerant, forgiving, loving and compassionate toward those who may be experiencing the very same kind of personal and devastating loss as we have just experienced to the very core of our being.

Unfortunately, the devastating loss of a loved one and all the corresponding actions, thoughts, words, all the pain, frustration, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, sorrow, depression, anxiety, worry, doubt, fear, as well as the many other faces of grief will that we will live with and experience, as I said above, will allow us, if we so choose, to become valuable instruments of comfort, blessings, encouragement, and enrichment for those just entering this devastating realm of personal loss, either for the very first time or not. That's how effective each of us can be if we so choose and at the same time helping ourselves to heal and cope with our own personal loss at a much quicker rate. However, we must do what we "BELIEVE" is best for each of us in our attempts to get back into a comfortable mode of life and living, if that will ever become a true real reality after what each of us has been through.

Remember, you are loved and totally supported, no matter how long it may ever take for each of you to ever feel comfortable or ready again to live your life in some small way as it use to be. All I can truly say is that our loved ones are with us always and are always sending us blessings and words of comfort for they know what our lives are like, especially now. They know our lives are and will be tough and filled with uncertainty, but they also want to assure us that as we strive to the very best of our natural ability here to be and to do and to think the very BEST that we will, not only be reunited with them in time, but because of our faithfulness to complete our lives here, regardless of the future pain and suffering we will have to endure that we will be rewarded handsomely for finishing our mission here on planet Earth.--Again, all of you are so LOVED!!!

Always your friend,

Steve D.

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Hi I'm new here, as I read what you all have written I see myself, it feels like grief will swallow you up sometimes. I'm having a bad day today I have them sometimes. Last year was bad for me, I lost my dog in Jan, to bone cancer, my grandmother that was an important part of my life in March to cancer, and then my husbands uncle that I was really fond of in Nov. I also work in a Nursing Home and have to deal with death there. Now that anniversarys are comming up I find myself more upset. Almost like living through it again. I didn't think that it would be so hard. When I read about losing a child, I feel my grief is petty, my friend lost a child at three days old and I know what she went through, as I helped her. So should this hurt so much, or am I just getting old and more sensitive to this stuff. I know that time heals and most of the time I'm ok but like I said I guess as the anniversarys appproach it gets harder.

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Lostloves,

To have lost 3 precious friends and family members in one year is certainly a great deal to handle, not only mentally but especially emotionally, too. I am so very sorry for the loss of "Jan", your loyal and faithful pet, your grandmother and your uncle. Please know that your pain is so very much acknowledged and understood to a certain degree for most of us who come here have also experienced the loss or losses of loved ones and pets, as well. Even if we do not know exactly what you are going through or what is going on in your thoughts, we still want you to know that you are loved and supported and always will be right here for you as a loving "FAMILY" is in time of need.

Yes, grief can get to the point in our lives where we feel as if we are swimming against the tide or that, no matter what we may think or do, we feel as if we are sinking in all of the emotional and mental noise that constantly fill our mind and heart as we try, as best as we can, to handle and adjust to our devastating loss or losses. They say that if we have not grieved properly over a loss of a loved one and then are hit by another loss sometime in the immediate future that it will seem like this present loss is so much more intense than what the actual passing of this loved one calls for from us both mentally and emotionally. Ususally unfinshed grief for a loved one will make the reaction to another loss so much more intense for us!!

They say that we must first of all, completely accept the loss of that loved one who has passed on the "Other Side". For many of us, this remains a huge sticking point in our grieving for this particular loved one. We just don't want to let them go or we just don't want to accept the reality of what has happened. So, in doing so, we have unfinished grief which makes us prone to anger, impatience, and withdrawl from life that we once cherished!! There is no doubt about it, we must fully grieve our losses in the best way we can, and remember, there are no "WRONG" ways to grieve a devastating loss, either!!

We will know when we have reached the end of our grieving for a particular loved one when we are able to talk openly about this person or pet without becoming overwhelmed or overpowered by the pain and hurt that we first experienced during those first few days or weeks after experiencing such a life changing tragedy!! Of course, even though we may be able to talk about our loss, there will still be feelings of sadness, sorrow and emptiness many times as we do so. Again, this is a normal reaction to what we have just experienced.

Remember, you are amongst loving and supportive "FRIENDS" here who truly care about you and all that you are currently experiencing or have had to endure. Your life and well-being is so very important to all of us for each of us has an affect on everything that exists in all of life!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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Its like I never had time to grieve for them properly. Just after I put my dog to sleep I had to fly to England to see my grandmother who was dying of cancer, I spent 10 days with her, which I shall always cherish these memories. I never went back for her funeral, Nan always said come see me when I'm alive as I will not know if you are there when I'm dead, I did as she asked. I wasn't scared of going to the funeral or anything like that but I don't like flying. I use to fly all the time but now I get kind of paniced, so I chose not to go. I know that my mum has been really upset lately as the aniversary of her death approaches, I think I shall give her this web site address and see if she will join. She was always there for Nan as she got older and when she was sick my mum would fly to England and stay with her until she was better.She was there for three months last year until Nan passed away. I think that she also feels lost right now, and misses her mother deeply. My husbands Uncle had ALS and died of complication of it, we went to see him in the hospital a week before he died he was so frantic, his speach had been gone for a quite awhile but he was just so worried about everything, he wouldn't sleep in a bed only in the wheelchair he was very nervous, his writing abilities were going. His muscles in his arms and legs were quickly losing their strength, so thats why he had a hard time writing and he could barely walk. I was kind of relieved when he passed away in his sleep, he would be at peace. So I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone and even though I miss them all dearly I am glad they are not suffering any more. They are all at peace. Its just us that are left here that have to learn to cope with our losses of our loved ones and learn to carry on. I have bad days and good days and as the anviersary of Nan's death comes I'm sure I'll have more bad days, thanks for being there.

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Hi Everyone, I am new to this board. I am 43 and this grieving is a long journey, one that has changed my life forever.

My losses began when I was 18, In 1980 my little sister died at the age of 15 from an aortic anuerism she was 3 weeks from delivering a baby. In 1989 I lost my brother from and aoritic anuerism he was 31. Then in 1999 my baby sister who was 24 died from heart related problems. I was then 38. My mom died in Sept of 2003, she was 68. In between all of this I have lost friends , grandparents, both my mom-in-law and father-in-law. and Aunts and Uncles.

My siblings are all gone and my mom. My dad is 77 and not well, I am not sure how long he has left on this earth.

I look back and wonder how I have survived all this.

My miracles of my life are my hubby who I have been with for 25 years and my two children who are 14 and 10. they are my life, without them I dont know where I would be. My children only knew my youngest sis and my mom and mom-in-law. In 5 short years they have lost 3 really important people in thier life. We are a very close family, my boys have hearts of gold and they have empathy as I have for others who lose thier loved ones.

There are days when I get into deep thought of what life would be like today with my brother and sisters if they were here. I miss them and will never know what it is like to be an Aunt . They never had children. My mothers death was so very hard on me. I missed not having my siblings support. I was in a fog for a year, going threw the motions , I feel I finally woke up a few months ago. I want to feel good and enjoy my children. I want them to know its okay to grieve and miss our loved ones.

For me there are many pieces missing in my life, I will never be the same. When each one of my siblings died and my mother a piece of me went with them.

I have learned how to cope without them, but life just isn't the same.

Thanks for letting me share.

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Its like I never had time to grieve for them properly. Just after I put my dog to sleep I had to fly to England to see my grandmother who was dying of cancer, I spent 10 days with her, which I shall always cherish these memories. I never went back for her funeral, Nan always said come see me when I'm alive as I will not know if you are there when I\'m dead, I did as she asked. I wasn't scared of going to the funeral or anything like that but I don't like flying. I use to fly all the time but now I get kind of paniced, so I chose not to go. I know that my mum has been really upset lately as the aniversary of her death approaches, I think I shall give her this web site address and see if she will join. She was always there for Nan as she got older and when she was sick my mum would fly to England and stay with her until she was better.She was there for three months last year until Nan passed away. I think that she also feels lost right now, and misses her mother deeply. My husbands Uncle had ALS and died of complication of it, we went to see him in the hospital a week before he died he was so frantic, his speach had been gone for a quite awhile but he was just so worried about everything, he wouldn't sleep in a bed only in the wheelchair he was very nervous, his writing abilities were going. His muscles in his arms and legs were quickly losing their strength, so thats why he had a hard time writing and he could barely walk. I was kind of relieved when he passed away in his sleep, he would be at peace. So I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone and even though I miss them all dearly I am glad they are not suffering any more. They are all at peace. Its just us that are left here that have to learn to cope with our losses of our loved ones and learn to carry on. I have bad days and good days and as the anviersary of Nan's death comes I'm sure I'll have more bad days, thanks for being there.

Lostloves,

You did everything a loving family member could have ever done for these precious loved ones, who are now on the "Other Side". Sometimes, we subconsciously "beat" ourselves up both mentally and emotionally because we feel that, in some small way, we might not have done everything possible for them in their condition, or said everything to them that was in our heart or to have been with them enough throuhgout their life in order to show them just how much we truly did love them or just to bless or comfort these cherished loved ones in their time of need to the very best of our ability.

I sense from your posted message that you gave of yourself totally to these three precious loved ones maybe more than you might realize right now. Just for the very fact that you took time to be with your uncle and grandmother certainly showed them how loyal, how faithful, how loving, how concerned, how dedicated and how blessed you were to be with them in their time of great need. There is nothing like having those people around you who truly love you to give you the confidence to know that, in spite of the pain or suffering that they are going through, that they know that your presence will help them to pass on without fear or worry!! You gave both your uncle and grandmother that tremendous sense of knowing that they would not "cross over" all alone because of the way you showed and expressed your eternal love for them.

As far as your cherished pet, "Jan", was concerned, she always knew how much you loved her because she knew it was time to go because she had finished her personal mission here with you. In spite of that devastating loss, "Jan" is now once again alive and well and just as active as when she was a puppy with all of that vitality and energy that kept you on your toes when she was a little dog!! Her entrance into the "Afterlife" was also one where there was no pain or any fear whatsoever beause she was met by a deceased loved one who had passed over before and she is her or his constant companion until it is your time to join her on the "Other Side". If there were no one to greet her on her "crossing" to the "Other Side", there are specifically trained people who will take good care of her until the two of you meet again!! That's a promise!!

Just as people can be our teachers here, pets are definitely our close advisors on so much of what is truly and really important in this life that we are struggling through. Think about what our pets do teach us or cause us to learn, sometimes the hard way. Where can you find a person, be it a relative or a friend, who constantly forgives you no matter what? Where can you find such a perfect example of unconditional love and tenderness all of the time other than in a loyal and dedicated pet? Where can you find a completely loyal, dedicated, devoted, caring, a zealous supporter of anything that you might ever do or say, or who is so appreciative of all that you may ever do or who admires you for who you are, faults and all, more than any other person ever could, other than in your precious pet? This is what they have to reach us about how life should be lived, in spite of what may confront us in our daily pursuit of happiness while we are here.

Yes, it will take time to heal, but the first hurdle that we must get over is being able to truly ACCEPT these losses as being a reality. When we begin to really ACCEPT our loss or losses in our life, we begin to heal, even more than you might realize, Lostloves. Of course, our life will still be sad or filled uwith sorrow or even be depressing at times because they are no longer here with us, but know that you have moved down the road toward complete healing when you have been able to truly ACCEPT the temporary loss of those cherished loved ones, for you will truly see them, once again, when it is your time to "cross over" to the "Other Side".

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for your loss,

Fathers Day has not been easy for me for 21 years. My dad passed away in 1984, and I have been struggling with his loss. I have been speaking for 14 years and have often referred to my late father as a continued source of energy and inspiration for me. Audiences have been encouraging me to write "Our Fathers Who Art in Heaven and What They Continue to Teach Us". I published a sneak preview last year for Fathers Day and I gave a speech to initiate the project. My vision is for the proceeds from the full book, which will be coming out this April, to be used as an educational and inspirational resource for those who have lost their father.

I'm planning on organizing a Father's Day rally in Buffalo, NY.

If you were to attend a rally on Father's day in line with the Vision, what would you like to have happen on that day?

Feel free to post your comments here or in my blog

http://murak.blogs.com/ourfatherswhoartinheaven/

http://www.ofwaihf.org/

Thank you in advance for your comments.

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hello everyone.... i would just like to vent. right now i am feeling a little depressed, i guess cuz on the 4th of feb it will be one yr that my mom is passed on. i am having an adc reading on thursday and i am looking forward to it. i am just a little down today and with that i get very cranky, very quick, so it is hard for my husband to deal with that (me). we were just arguing a few minutes ago over something meaningless. i just want to scream at him (and the world) sometimes..... just leave me alone!!!!!!!! i know that won't fix anything but i think the act of screaming would feel great right now.

ok, next subject. since i am having a reading on thursday, does anyone have any input as to what i should ask my mom or tell my mom????? i do have things in mind already but i just wanted someone else's thoughts. this is the second reading i will have and i was very pleased with the first one. well, i must go and put my kids to bed. it is way too late for them to be up. things just don't seem to be going smoothly today. thanks for listening. heather

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Tonight I don't know how to express how I feel. Lost and empty would be a good start. I just sit and stare at m mothers pictures every night after my husband leaves for work on the 3rd shift. I just wonder if she is trying to tell me something. I miss her so very much words can't explain how I feel. I know death is never an easy thing, but I never thought I would lose my mother. It seems at times that I just can't live with myself. I feel like I don't have a purpose to be here at all. I will not be able to have children. I don't to much have anyone I can trust or share my feelings with enough to make me feel some better. My daddy and my step mother, my brother and his wife acts as if nothing ever happened. I wish I could understand. My mother has only been gone 1 year and it already feels like a lifetime. I try to be strong and drowned my self in work and cleaning, but that doesn't help. If anyone has anything they would like to share , I am always looking for new information. Thanks for letting me share my feelings. Good night.

Wendy

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Hi Heather,

I had a reading with a medium and it went really well. She told me things that she wouldn't have known so it really helped to validate things for me. I went to a church where they do random readings and before I went I prayed to my husband to come and see me...and the medium said my energy pulled him to the church that day. She also, wouldn't have known that my husband "passed". I would suggest that you not tell them anything about yourself and meditate and pray before you go...ask god to send your love one to you and pray for you to gain strength to go on....I would love to know how you make out on Thursday....stay relaxed and it will come......Laura

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hONEYBEAR,

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 8 MONTHS NOW SINCE I'VE LOST MY HUSBAND AND IT SEEMS TO BE HARDER IN ALOT OF WAYS. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST HIM. AND I THINK EVERYONE LOOKS ON AND THINKS SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH TIME AND IS GETTING OVER IT NOW....WHICH REALLY PISSES ME OFF! AND, WHERE THE HECK HAS EVERYONE GONE...BACK TO BUSINESS AND LIFE. ONE THING THIS ALL HAS PROVEN TO ME IS WE AS A SOCIETY DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH DEATH AND NO-ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. SO WE, THE ONES THAT LIVE IT FIRST HAND ARE ISOLATED IN MANY WAYS. AND IN OTHER WAYS WE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH THEM EITHER BECAUSE IT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.WE HAVE TO FIND OUR OWN WAY HERE AND IT IS NOT EASY. I STILL CRY EVERYDAY AND LONG FOR WHAT ONCE WAS AND I CAN NEVER HAVE AGAIN...SOMEONE WHO WAS TOTALLY SNATCHED FROM ME AND MY FAMILY. SOMETIMES, I WONDER WHAT THE PURPOSE IS HERE AND WHY SUCH AWFUL THING HAVE TO HAPPEN TO REALLY GOOD PEOPLE. I FEEL AS IF I'M NUMB HALF THE TIME...I REALLY MISS HIM AND STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED....LAURA

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I can relate...My children's father died January 16, 2005. I feel like we've been robbed. My kids have been robbed of a father and I have been robbed of someone who has been a very special part of my life for the last 11 yrs. He was 27 yrs. old when he died. Right now i feel utterly and completely DESPERATE, but i have hope and that's what we have to hold onto...Hope for the future and the knowledge that it doesn't all end with this life. It helps to hear your guys's stories.

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hooterville67

Well, Here I am. I am sort of lost. All I want to do is sleep. Food means nothing to me. I am just up to "disaster plan #3". My Mom died unexpectedly in the early morning hours of January 1, 2005. My dad called me to say she wasn't feeling well so I went over to their house as quickly as I could. She was not well when I got there and we tried to sit her up on the bed. I called 911 and we started doing CPR on her the moment that she collapsed. Well, apparently I am not too good at CPR. The paramedics arrived after about 5 minutes and continued to try and revive her for another 20. She went into a diabetic shock with a sugar reading over 571 and had a silent heart attack. I can still hear her gasping and gurgling. I try not to think about it, it just hurts too much. The day of her funeral, my mother in law called and my father in law was in the hospital and had had a blood clot in his spine paralyzing him and the clot was caused by multiple myeloma cancer. Long story short, he has been hospitalized since January 5 and his prognosis worsens each day. He has given up hope and is trying st starve himself to death,the hospital is ready to move him into hospice care. My inlaws live 1200 miles from us and we have already been up once since this all happened. My husband is leaving to go again sometime in the next few days. We have 3 kids and I will be home alone with them and my Dad and we have our own business. My plate is full... I just needed to talk. I try to laugh or I will cry. I don't have time to even examine my feelings and I feel like I am going to explode. I try to be supportive to my husband but I am so numb myself. I could use some encouragement. I feel like I am trapped in a bad Jerry Springer show. Thanks for listening.

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hi lauraa, heather here. i had my reading today and i was very pleased. last night before i went to bed, i used my comfort oil, and then i wrote down some things to ask my mom and somethings to tell her. then i prayed and talked with my mom. i slept really well last night for a change......i have 2 toddlers that sometimes make it tough to get a good nights sleep. so today i used the comfort oil again and i talked with my mom. and then had the reading. she is doing great!!!!!!!! she is so happy and healthy. her job is to work with the souls of babys that die right away (or shortly after birth) or babys that are born with terrible diseases and die shortly after birth. she helps them to understand what happened (the transition) and helps them to continue on with their journey. she loves her job. she gave messages for my dad and brother that were very direct. she interacts with my kids. she said that she spends some time with her father too (he passed in 1994) there were other very small things in the reading but that was the big part of it. my reading was written down and tape recorded so i am able to go back to it when i need to. also, on oct 5 2004, i had my first reading with my mom (for her birthday). that reading went very well also. mom told me that she was happy and she was resting in order to build her strength so she could be ready for her new job. she told me she hoped it was working with children/babies..........and look at what her job is!!!!!!!!!! so, i am pleased. today seems to be a good day, and that is nice to say and really feel for a change. thanks for letting me share, and even more so------thanks for asking me to share. heather

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Boozhoo Ahneeshnah =(Hello, How Are You)

Well... i am truely sorry for everyones loss, i have also been in the position of loseing someone i love.

I lost my grandpa a long time ago, and its still affecting me. he passed away November 13th 1991. i was only 5years old. he was 50years old.

in my eyes, my grandpa was more then just a man being a grandparent. he was a (best friend, hero, father figure and a play buddy) even though he could never do things as ours fathers or some of our grandpas can do. because he was in a car accident when my dad 15 years old. he was paralized from he neck down, he couldnt use his arms, fingers, legs!

and he would cry @ night thinking (i would give anything to have the use of my legs, i would work in a coal mine for a living, or shovel horse crap) and i know that might sound weird, but wouldnt you give that much if you were Paralized that long of a time?

and when the depression finally hit me i was in grade 3 and i was only 10years old. and my cousin was useing a drinking and driving example... and he rudely said (Jen isnt that how your grandpa ended up Paralized and showed the class how his fingers were) "my grandpa never drank and drive," he made the mistake getting in the car with someone who was, but he didnt know.

and when the depression kicked in, i tried several times to end my life. i thought "what kinda world are we living in, if someone is gonna mock me about my best friend?" so from then on, i tried everything i can to end my life. just to be with him again.

it wasnt until i was 18 and was carrying a baby, and i knew then "i have someone to love again" and surprisingly she was to be born on my grandpa's birthday Oct 31st and when my Cousin passed on, i went and asked her parents if i could name my daughter after her (because she was like a sister to me) and they told me "they were honored" .... from now on, i realized what i was doing was a mistake. And the whole reason worth living is my beautiful little girl. My Grandpa gave me that much, and so did my cousin Tasha. they gave me a chance to be loved and love someone as much as i loved them in return.

so my point really, is never give up hope on your loved one. because there always with you. and im Native American Indian (Powwows) LoL,... And i believe in spirits. i didnt at first, but my grandpa appeared to me. and now i know he is always with me. along with my (brother/sister/cousin/grandpaz/grandma/uncles) I Know deep down there always with me. and watching over Tasha. so please always think positive dont end up the way i did, Depression is a bad thing to keep for so long. they need to be let go and feel like your ok! .... so god bless everyone! and always think positive!

Mundaquance = (Pretty Girl)

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This story was here on beyondindigo. If anyone here has ever experienced this type of loss specifically, or if you are the person who wrote this, please email me. I have not found anyone who can relate to losing like this. It is so difficult to express. I just need someone who understands. Someone that I can email and share with. Thank you so much.

Shanni Marie Redshanni67@Aol.Com

My Hands Are Tied

by Deb Sims, MS,RNCS,LCSW

Dear Deb,

At the edge of December 1998 I made a very good online friend. She was the best friend, online or off, that I have ever had. On June 10, 1999, she passed away. Quite frankly, I have lost good friends that I knew offline that didn't hurt me in the way that this did. My friend had a webpage at GeoCities that I visit every 3 weeks to keep it up. It had gotten to the place that it was easier to go to that page every three weeks than it was for a long time. My friend lived about 40 miles from me and, to make a long story short, she had a childhood that was full of mental, physical, and sexual abuse.

It's also worth mentioning that she told me that she was planning on divorcing her husband. After her death I ordered a back issue of the local paper to find out, from her obituary, where she was buried so that I could visit her grave. Her obituary said that burial would be private. I was finally able to find out where she was buried in late April 2000, through some online detective work.

When I got to the cemetery where her cremated remains are buried, I found out that her family still hasn't bothered to get a marker for her grave. I know that I reached her grave because she was cremated and the cemetery was very small; the man at the funeral home, who spoke to me, told me where she was buried. The man at the funeral home, who handled her, was very nice and frankly he's the reason that I was able to find her grave in the first place. Words can't tell you how much this hurt me. Seeing her buried in an unmarked grave, and finding out that my hands are totally tied because I'm not family, has hurt me deeper than I've ever been hurt and I feel so useless. It is a slap in the face to me to know that my friend's online friends (several people made tribute webpages to her) actually cared about her more than her family. I'm a 32 year old man and seeing that her grave was unmarked after almost a year hurt me so bad that I spent the whole day, after visiting her grave, home alone, on a crying jig. I cried all the next day about that.

Do you have any suggestions for the way I feel? My offline friernds, and even a few that are online, don't understand how I could feel this way toward someone online whom I never met.

Dear Reader:

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Just because you never met personally does not mean your friendship was unimportant. Relationships of value are based on knowing the true essence of a person's soul, and it certainly sounds like you knew each other well. I can believe she was your best friend. ContinuedYou are just approaching the year anniversary, and your grief will have been no less because you knew her only on line. Each significant anniversary of that first year is felt intensely: birthdays, special events and the hardest is the one year anniversary. It also sounds as if part of your difficulty is that her family seemingly valued her so little. A burial in April 2000 seems a long time to wait. I wonder if that isn't reopening the grief also.There is nothing abnormal about your mourning her loss and your grief reaction. You had a close connection, and now you are deeply feeling the result of that loss. In olden times people had the wisdom to wear black for a year after someone died. They knew what we've forgotten: that it takes a minimum of a year and more like two to move through the stages of the grieving process.I don't know your spiritual beliefs about what happens after death. If you'd like to write me back and share them, I'd be happy to talk a little more about this. But many people view death as a transition to a different existence, not finality. And one therapeutic technique is to write to the person who has died. Sometimes this will be a one time letter to say what was left unsaid; sometimes it is a poem or statement of tribute to the person, with the item placed for others to read such making a memorial page. Whatever you choose, I do have a suggestion for you. Is there a place that you know she liked very much or think she would like? Remember only her body is in the grave--not her soul or her spirit. If there is some place you know she'd like, there is no reason you can't designate that as the place of tribute to her. You can honor her with flowers there, or a bush in your yard, or plant a tree in honor of her. She was loved and she touched others' lives.That's the essence of who she was and you were aware of that part of her. That her family wasn't, is their ignorance. But she lives on in others' memory. And while this is only my personal belief, there will be a time for meeting personally--just not now.You are coming upon one of the hardest parts: the one year anniversary. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to honor her in your own personal way. There are many people who would believe her soul would know that.Again, I am so sorry for your loss and so glad she was so loved and cared about by others.

Blessings,

Deb

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Shanni.. Not sure if I understand what you're looking for, but on February 10th of this year I lost the closest friend I have ever had. We met 10 or so years ago on line and maintained our friendship both on and off line. I posted my story here in Loss of a Friend forum if you want to get more of the details.

People don't understand how I can be grieving so deeply for a friend that I saw maybe 6 times a year - but I feel as though I've lost a part of my soul. The fabric of my life is in shreds and I've no idea how to start reweaving it to make it whole again.

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shannimarie

Brenya,

You are the only one to reply, thank you. It seems like I am all alone with this type of grief. I miss my friend Ted so very much. He was TeddyK here on the message boards. He and I were so close. His family shared some of his things with me, and I am grateful for that. I will always miss him, he lives in a part of my heart. He cared so much for me and wanted the best for me. He always signed his letters and emails to me as YFTTE "Your Friend Til' The End" and he was just that. If you want to email me and talk more, share more, then you can. I am Redshanni67@Aol.Com I am so glad for your response. I did not think anyone would ever respond. I look forward to hearing from you more...

~Shannon~

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Shannimarie,

Why is it that we sometimes feel so close to someone we might not know very well, but feel like a strangers to family members with whom we have grownup with? Chances are, my dear, that you and Ted may have spent many lietimes together in various roles so that each lifetime gave each of you lessons and experiences, which would help the both of you to master aspects of your spiritual personality that may have needed some fine tuning.

This fine tuning of the spiritual nature can only come about through the many different and diverse situations, circumstances, problems and obstacles that one has written into his or her "spiritual contract" with GOD to be experienced when coming to earth to inhabit a human form. Only by living in the flesh can we begin to distinguish between the "Spiritual" and the "Unspiritual" aspects of the divine nature, thereby if successful, spending few incarnations here on this planet in pursuit of spiritual perfection.

I honestly believe that you and Ted had a tremendous impact one one another, probably more than most of us here would realize, and that's because you and he have been, I believe, intertwined throughout many past lifetimes together. Maybe in this lifetime one of the lessons to be learned involved the experience of losing a valued and trusted friend, one that had such a powerful impact on your life in so many ways. Maybe a part of this learning process is to see, through your intense grief for him, just how much you truly cared and respected his wise counsel, and then, to release or to give that same intense and loving kindness that the two of you expressed to and for each other to others who truly would benefit from what the two of you truly experienced!!!

Ted, so very well, knows what you have been struggling with, but know this for a certainty, he will always be your trusted and valued friend because he knows that the two of you will meet up once again and enjoy one another's company just as you have so many lifetimes before!!! Remember, you are the BEST!!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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When I first came to this site five years ago I became friendly with a teenager who had lost both his parents. He lived in New Zealand but every morning we im'd each other. He called me mom. He was also dealing with addictions and not living in the best of conditions. I offered to fly him up to live with me but of course, let him know there would be rules-he was 18 so he was legally able to. One morning I didn't hear from him. His girlfriend wrote to tell me he had committed suicide and he did write a goodbye note for me which she sent me. And some of what it said was, "Mom I know you'll blame yourself but don't and now I'll finally get to meet your husband in heaven." To say that I knew I had lost a "son" is an understatement. Here this boy and I lived on different continents and yet we were as mother and son. Sometimes we may never meet the people who become part of our family and yet they are more our family than family.

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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Honeybunny-

:::HUGS::: I remember when you met him! Gosh what a loss for you. Did you have your own memorial service or someway to reflect his passing? Are you taking care of you? A second loss can bring up memories of the first loss. Email me if you want a listening ear okay?

Kelly

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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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IM NOT SURE WHAT TO WRITE. I JUST FOUND ALL OF YOU TONIGHT.

TODAY IM HAVING A VERY VERY HARD DAY. IM IN TEARS AND CANT STOP. THE WEIRD PART IS THAT I LOST MY HUSBAND A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS AGO. IT WAS OUR SECOND MARRIAGE FOR EACH OF US AND WAS A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE. WE WERE MARRIED ALMOST 15 YEARS AND WERE TOGETHER FOR MORE THAN THAT. I DATED HIM FOR A LONG TIME BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE SO SURE IT WAS RIGHT. IT WAS.

MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY AFTER GOING THROUGH WHAT WE THOUGHT WAS A SUCCESSFUL VALVE REPLACEMENT SURGERY. THE DOCTORS TOLD HIM TO GO LIVE TO BE 100. THREE MONTHS LATER HE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK.

IVE BEEN THROUGH A LOSS OF A SON ABOUT 15 YEARS AGO AND THAT NEARLY KILLED ME BUT SOMEHOW WITH GODS HELP I SOMEHOW MADE IT THROUGH. I SEND MY COMPASSION AND CARING AND PRAYERS TO ALLLLLL OF YOU WHO HAVE HAD TO FACE THE LOSS OF A CHILD OR ANYONE --- ANYONE --- THAT YOU LOVED.

TODAY AFTER HAVING MADE IT THROUGH THE PAIN OF LOSING MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND, AND HAVE BEEN MAKING A LIFE FOR MYSELF AS BEST I CAN --- WHY THE TEARS AGAIN.

I TRULY HAVE A GOOD LIFE, BUT IM SO SAD FOR MYSELF TODAY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR FEELING SO SORRY FOR MYSELF. BUT I SOMETIMES WONDER WHY IM LEFT HERE TO GO ON ALONE. IM VERY FRIENDLY AND HAVE FORCED MYSELF TO START A NEW LIFE WITH NEW FRIENDS WHO ARE WONDERFUL. I KNEW NOONE HERE BECAUSE WE HAD MOVED HERE TO TAKE CARE OF MY INLAWS. HIS MOTHER PASSED AWAY FROM CANCER AND HIS FATHER HAD TO GO TO A NURSING HOME. BUT I MADE THE DECISION TO GO OUT AND FIND FRIENDS. GOD BLESSED ME AND I HAVE A COUPLE OF DEAR ONES WHO MAKE MY LIFE OK.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE HERE? I HAVE WONDERFUL CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN BUT THEY ARE SCATTERED TO THE WINDS AND ARE NOT CLOSE TO WHERE I LIVE. AND IM NOT READY TO LIVE CLOSE TO THEM. IM TRYING TO FIND MY OWN WAY IN THIS WORLD.

IM SO RAMBLING, SORRY.

THANKS FOR LISTENING.

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Annmary,

Just want to let you know that I am here for you and will pray for comfort for you. I just lost my fiance on the 10th of March. I felt like in my heart I was married to him... he was my everything. God is so comforting to me right now... Let yourself grieve. They say that since everyone is different the grief for everyone is different. Don't listen to people who try to rush you in the process... that is not good.. find someplace you can just cry if you need too. I have a pychologist that I am talking with. It is comforting to know I can just go in and cry.

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Hello everyone. Just after some advice. My father in law is dying of cancer and has been staying with us. I am not sure what to tell my 5 year old to prepare her for his death. She is a very sensitive child and adores her grandad. Any ideas??

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Juliag,

First of all, I am so sorry that your father-in-law is in such a desperate condition, but all is not lost if you act on this information that I am about to give you.

Now, I am not saying this is going to be a cureall to your father-in-law's problem, but it just may add some time to his life. There is a Cancer clinic in Tijuana Mexico known as the Bio Medical Center formerly known as the Hoxsey Cancer Clinic. They specialize in treating all forms and kinds of cancer with natural herbal supplements which will do much more than chemo, radiation or surgery ever will, in most cases. However, you need to call them right away to see if they can help your father-in-law with his specific type of cancer.

Look, it sounds like you have resolved yourself to just waiting for him to pass on, but it needn't be that way. Please take this infoirmation and call them. Their phone number is (011-52-664-684-9011). As I said they are located at Ave. General Ferreira #3170 Col. Juarez, Tijuana, B.C., Mexico 22150. Their mailing address is: PO Box 433654, San Ysidro, Ca. 92143-3654, and their email address is:(bmed@bc.cablemas.com) or (bmc@telnor.net).

Remember, time is of the essence and it won't hurt you one bit to find out if they can possibly do something for him right now in his condition. Even if the medical professionals have given him just a little time before he passes on, the Bio Medical Center will do all it can to help him stay alive. Please contact them as soon as you can. Talk to Olga or to Aida Flores, okay??

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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Hello everyone. Just after some advice. My father in law is dying of cancer and has been staying with us. I am not sure what to tell my 5 year old to prepare her for his death. She is a very sensitive child and adores her grandad. Any ideas??

hi there. i'm sorry to hear of your situation. my mom passed in feb 2004. i helped to take care of her. i have 2 girls ages 3yrs and almost 5yrs. (present) they were with me every minute of the day and night while i was helping to care for my mom. they were as involved as i was as far as actually being there. i would suggest to you to explain things to your daughter on a level that she will comprehend. you may need to talk about it day after day after day. and that is ok. i found that kids (at least mine) have a greater understanding of what is happening than i had ever thought. plus, it helped me to talk about it too. sometimes when we talk to "grown ups" we get too involved with the details and the specifics. when i talked with my kids, it was the basics and they expressed so much unconditional love, for me and my mom. it was like they knew everything would be ok. you may have to talk with her after his death. i did. it took a few months but things are ok. encourage her to be with her grandfather........quality time. take pictures so she can remember him later and remember his love. and, yes, contact those people that steve suggested to you. it can't hurt and chances are it will give him a better quality of the life he has remaining. don't waste any time. i do wish you the best and please keep posting here, this is a wonderful place to come to talk things out. take care. heather

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Thoughts about loss, and if it is part of the grieving process.

My grandma and uncle both passed away the week of Christmas this last year. Since then, I have very vivid day dreams about myself, my children and my husband. About accidents, natural disasters etc. I have the ability to day dream so vividly that I get all worked up and can begin to cry uncontrollably. Now, I have always been able to do this to an extent with my children, but it has gone beyond that now. I don't worry all the time, but I do worry a lot about not getting back to my children who are 9 and 10. They are worried about that as well, and about who will take care of them if mom anddad die etc. Seems like it is part of the grieving process, but sometimes it is really severe, and I have to leave the room at work, or pull over on the road to get through it. Anyone else experienced this? Thanks - Teresa

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Teresa,

I haven't experienced this, but I would not be surprised if someone on the board has. Give them a few days and I am sure you will get a response.

Julie

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Annmary,

I completely understand where you are. Four years ago this month my husband was diagnosed with cancer, one month later I buried him. If I were to sit and explain all the events that happened in my life in the time following you would not believe that I am still standing. But I am!I have had much help! My God is an awsome God!

I sometimes sit and look around at my life today and wonder, \"how did I get here?\" The thing is I am not in a bad place in my life. But yet a very different place. Some parts of me have empty hurting places and they always will. But I am so blessed that I can clearly see all the good things I am blessed with as well as the knowledge that it DOES get better. It never goes away, but it does get better.

I allow myself time to greive still. That is important. Greive you have earned it! You deserve it! Take all the time you need. Like I said it has been four years and I still have days like the one you were having the day you wrote your post. But it does get better. You are still here, look around, you will see why.

Take care of yourself.

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Annmary,

Another thought. Each of your children and grandchildern are gigantic blessings. Even though they are not close, make it a priority to stay in touch. Send holiday boxes, cards, e-mails, calls, whatever. You do not have to spend alot of money. What ever your interests are let them know. Keep them involved in who you are. With all our technology, there is no reason they cannot still be beams of light in you life!!

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hi there. today was a fine day, now tonight is more challenging. lots of thoughts going thru my head. things that i want to share with my mom and be able to "hear" her response and support. lately it has been a little stressful between me and my husband. the only support i get from him is financial and that truely is not what i need or want. he has never asked me how i am doing since my mom died (feb 2004). i don't expect him or anyone else to ask me all the time, but maybe he could ask me once or twice.......... i just feel like i am all by myself in life. i know that i have a wonderful family that i can turn to and i know i'm not alone but right now i really feel alone. i am still upset with my mother-in-law for messing up my mother's day. i am also upset at myself for not standing my ground with her. i let her walk all over me all the time and i need to stop that. i am starting college for the first time in one week. (i'm 32) it has been on my mind lately and last night i tried to talk with my husband about it and all he did was argue with me and it felt like he was trying to push me away from going to school. i may have recieved it wrong...........but i doubt it. i guess that is all i need to say. thanks for letting me vent. good night. heather

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memorialmusic

If you find that music helps you deal with your loss then please visit my website - The Memorial Music Database at http://littlecoop.100megsfree5.com/

I made it after the loss of my brother and mom. Visitors send me suggestions of songs to add it now contains clips of about 400 songs. No cost, no membership - just a place to listen to music.

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memorialmusic, I checked out your website. It's laid out so fine and beautiful. Easy to use. Do you play any instruments or just cans of the songs? I'm a musician so I'm curious. It started making me think of someone special, and then I had to start digging into my old cassette box to see if I still have a tape of UFO playing Love to Love. It's a perfectly beautiful love song, and means a lot to me. Thanks for doing this work on your site.

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I'm not sure where to start. I'm not sure what category my loss fits...I have been in love twice in my life. I am married to the second love, my husband. My first love was a woman with whom I remained very close after we broke up ten years ago. Just after x-mas 2004, we found out she had lung cancer, she was dead by the end of Jan 2005. I was with her when she died. It was awful. Betsy suffocated, she was blue, her body swelled, she wss gasping. I held her for hours. I miss her so. The mornings are the worst because that is when we would call one another and say "good morning sunshine" . She was more than a friend, she was my best friend, she was my big sister, my first love, I haven't the right words for what she was to me except to say she was family and every day is a struggle for me. Meanwhile, my beloved husband needs my support as he has given it to me and now his Dad has lung cancer and is in chemo. His Dad has done much better than Betsy because they got it earlier but he is now on a downhill slope.

I am sad almost all the time. I often wake up crying. I have a therapist. I have friends. I still feel awful. It's like pushing through mollasses and sometimes I don't know how I can do it another moment.

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I am sure no one can help me with this, but I just need to talk it out. I lost my husband of 45 years July 5th. He was my buddy, friend and lover. He was such a great man. He only thought of me and never had a mean bone in his body. He treated me like a queen. But, I was not always the best for him. I was a complainer and did things in my life that were not so good. I love him so very much and just feel there is no way to live without him. But, the worst part is the guilt of being such a gripe and such a feel sorry for me person. Plus I know he is up there in heaven which he earned, believe me and looking down and nowing I was not the greatest person in the world. My heart hurts so bad and I cannot go back. I want so bad to join him in heavan but I am not worthy of that. I have asked God to forgive me many times and then go and sin again.

I miss him so much and it has only been a few days. I just want to hold him and tell him I am sorry for not making his life better. He sure did mine. The porr guy was the most wonderful, great guy there was. We did everything together form riding our horses to just going tot he store. I am so alone and feel so guility that I really wish I could just die right now. Quilt is a terribble thing and especially when the man who was with you through everything just goes to bed and does not wake up next to you.

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I am feeling another wave of loneliness. It's hard to imagine that Tom has been gone for almost a year and a half and my Daddy has been gone a year. I found out this weekend that my brother, my only brother has cancer. I can't even say it out loud. Tom, my husband, died of cancer 3 short months after it was discovered. My Daddy had been ill for some time, but I was never ready to say goodbye to either of them. Now my brother. It is almost more than I can bear. My son will be going off to college next month and it will be just me and my cat left at home. It's like a curse. All of the men that I love the most leaving...I had to get my thoughts out. I hurt for all that have lost their loves. I just pray for God to help me, and all of us, stay strong.

Susan

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I am sure no one can help me with this, but I just need to talk it out. I lost my husband of 45 years July 5th. He was my buddy, friend and lover. He was such a great man. He only thought of me and never had a mean bone in his body. He treated me like a queen. But, I was not always the best for him. I was a complainer and did things in my life that were not so good. I love him so very much and just feel there is no way to live without him. But, the worst part is the guilt of being such a gripe and such a feel sorry for me person. Plus I know he is up there in heaven which he earned, believe me and looking down and nowing I was not the greatest person in the world. My heart hurts so bad and I cannot go back. I want so bad to join him in heavan but I am not worthy of that. I have asked God to forgive me many times and then go and sin again.

I miss him so much and it has only been a few days. I just want to hold him and tell him I am sorry for not making his life better. He sure did mine. The porr guy was the most wonderful, great guy there was. We did everything together form riding our horses to just going tot he store. I am so alone and feel so guility that I really wish I could just die right now. Quilt is a terribble thing and especially when the man who was with you through everything just goes to bed and does not wake up next to you.

You need to forgive youself. God already has. You do deserve heaven.....because it's not about you. It's been bought and paid for by someone else.

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I am so sorry to bother everyone. I told you I lost my husband last week after 45 years of marriage. I just cannot get over the guilt of being such a grip and I cannot live without him. I think I am going crazy. I cannot stop crying, saying I am sorry and actually screaming at times. We moved to Florida 10 months ago from Ohio and I am so alone now. My two kids are back in Ohio and one is 5 hours away from me. I just want this to end and I just want to end it somehow, anyway. The apartment just makes me cry ebcause this is the place he always wanted to be,. We sold everything to come here except for two of our horses. We rode together and did everything together. You would think I would want to hug his horse, Annie, but I cannot seem to even look at her without crying and being hysterical. I see him trotting down the road with me at his side.God, I just want this to end somehow. I am so sorry to put this on people here because I know you have your grief to go through and it should not be about me. But, I am so alone that if I do not talk on here I am afraid that I just do not want to live like this.

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This is for winsome57...I just want you to know that your grief is a beautiful thing as I can tell how much in love you were. His spirit will always be with you and you should want to live to keep his spirit alive. I lost a father 13 years ago and I am still not over it. He died at 54 and my mom hasn't even dated nor does she want to. She misses him but she tries to think of all the wonderful times they had and then we both cry but we think what a wonderful man he was and I often asked the question why daddy? He was the sweetest most outgoing man and I couldn't understand why god had made him suffer and die when there are people out there that lie cheat steal and kill, why didn't god take them. My mom's answer was that god only took good people and that they didn't have enough good men up there to help with god's work. You will get by believe me it is going to be tough but you can do it. You sound like a lovely lady and I wish the best for you!

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Coping with loss is the most difficult thing I have ever done...and I pray for everyone here. I lost my significant other for the past eleven years suddenly on January 2, 2005 from acute myocarditis. We had a very intense relationship due to the fact that Gary was an alcoholic and bipolar as well. We lived together the first five years and the last six I made him have his own apartment because of his diseases I didn't want to effect my children. I would spend half the week with my children and the other half with Gary (while they were with their father). Gary was always pressuring me to marry him but I couldn't because I felt it would be financial suicide for me and the kids. The last year of Gary's life he wasn't himself..just a shell..I would go over to his apartment and sometimes he'd be sitting on the edge of the bed just staring into space for days...other times he'd be throwing up every 15 minutes. I thought I was helping him by getting him on Medicaid but then he started abusing the drugs he was taking for his back...Vicodin..and several others. He told me a year ago this past April that he must prepare me for his death...I told him I couldn't talk about it...I feel so guilty for this now..guilty about that as well as feeling guilty about telling him I didn't want to take our relationship into 2005...because he was out of it all the time...not there emotionally...physically or spiritually. I was with Gary the night before he passed...left the next afternoon to get my old changed and that was the last time I saw him...I called his landlord when he hadn't called to check on him and he was found dead.

I never thought I'd be here without him...I always thought we'd go together...I'm 48 and he just turned 50..12 days before passing. If it weren't for having my children and one grandchild at this time I don't know what I would have done...I just want to be with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Does it ever get better? I lost my grandmother about 6 months ago. She was so much more than a grandma. She was my friend, my support... she was basically a second mother to me. She had colon cancer that had spread to her liver and ultimately her lungs. Everything I do reminds me of her. I can't get her out of my mind. I see her everywhere I'm at. I'm convinced she's visited me. It feels like I lost her yesterday. I cry for hours every week... knowing that I'll never get the hug that only she could give me, or the cookies that were so much better because she baked them. I just don't think it's going to ever get better. It just keeps getting worse. *sigh*

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Eearll...it's been 8 mos for me with my loss of my significant other of 11 years..I cry everyday. Your grandmas is still with you...just not physically. You may want to check out the ADC (after death communciation) section here...I've been finding it very helpful because of what's been happening with me.

God bless (hugs)

Cindi

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