The private grief world

[JonathanFive]

So...

Training for my new job has finally worn down, and I've made a Dr. appointment for June 27th.  I should be alright till then..  I feel, "quite alive," arrg, and my friend told me flat out last night, "I'm going to live."   Harsh reality!!  LOL

On Saturday baby will be gone 6 months.  Ouch!   It's evolved, I miss him so much, and always will.  Crying and tearing today.  But the absolutely "desperate" emotional pain that is sometimes there, is not here today.  It comes and goes, although the time between it setting in does appear to get longer, and each time it does set it, I remind myself, "no two moments in life are exactly the same, so at least this is a different feeling, no matter how the same it may seem."

Its an absolutely "missing you" today, and that seems just as bad as, "desperate emotional pain."  Certainly just as sad.

I have no idea if this post makes any sense

[Boggled]

The grief comes, you go through it.   Over and over.  Sorry you're going through it today, JonathanFive.

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, DWS said:

This is what makes the loss and the grief so much more difficult than it already is. Not only are we dealing with overwhelming emptiness, confusion and distress but we also can end up feeling desolate and frightened by those around us who we're left with that don't seem to really understand our individual pain. I think of it as being cast out to an island....an island of grief. 

I think comments like that can also make the griever confused and question their own sanity.  I find myself doing so as well.  It's been half a year, why did I just experience another episode of intense grief when I was fine for over a month?  Is this not normal?  Etc., etc.

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

To me, the loss of friends overnight greatly compounded my grief, on top of losing him, I had to deal with financial hardship, loss of income, physical symptoms (edema), etc.  My brain was whirling...

Secondary losses and compounded stressful issues really do add a ton to the grief itself!  I hear you. 💝

3 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

So...

Training for my new job has finally worn down, and I've made a Dr. appointment for June 27th.  I should be alright till then..  I feel, "quite alive," arrg, and my friend told me flat out last night, "I'm going to live."   Harsh reality!!  LOL

On Saturday baby will be gone 6 months.  Ouch!   It's evolved, I miss him so much, and always will.  Crying and tearing today.  But the absolutely "desperate" emotional pain that is sometimes there, is not here today.  It comes and goes, although the time between it setting in does appear to get longer, and each time it does set it, I remind myself, "no two moments in life are exactly the same, so at least this is a different feeling, no matter how the same it may seem."

Its an absolutely "missing you" today, and that seems just as bad as, "desperate emotional pain."  Certainly just as sad.

I have no idea if this post makes any sense

It makes perfect sense!  Good to hear that you're feeling alive and have made an appointment to see your doc and that training for your new job is finally over.  *big hugs* 💝

[WithoutHer]

I think I'm breaking down. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seems. Going into 16 months and reading every day it appears some of those with less time than me are progressing better. I know being alone in this doesn't help. But there's no where to turn. A therapist is out of the question. It's that need for a shoulder at the moment it all comes down on me. I cry the tears and call out for her. Oh my God this hurts so bad.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, WithoutHer said:

Going into 16 months and reading every day it appears some of those with less time than me are progressing better. I know being alone in this doesn't help. But there's no where to turn. A therapist is out of the question. It's that need for a shoulder at the moment it all comes down on me. I cry the tears and call out for her. Oh my God this hurts so bad.

Try to avoid comparing yourself with other grievers. Based on what I see on this board, some of us move forward faster than others; some not so fast (I think I'm one of them). Just out of curiousity, why do you not want to discuss your feelings with a therapist?

[KayC]

9 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

On Saturday baby will be gone 6 months.

 

And yes your post makes perfect sense...
Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark (separate article from above's)

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

Just out of curiousity, why do you not want to discuss your feelings with a therapist?

I lost all respect for them years ago. Not going into the details of why I saw them but I've said it here before after seeing the ones I did I left with the feeling that those folks need help more than I.

[HisMunchkin]

59 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I lost all respect for them years ago. Not going into the details of why I saw them but I've said it here before after seeing the ones I did I left with the feeling that those folks need help more than I.

Different types of therapists use different types of therapies.  People need to "shop around" to find someone that fits.

Having said that, I too avoid therapy.  I don't think I'm so bad that I need i yet.  I also live alone and don't socialize much, so I kind of know how you feel.  And even with people, I still feel "not quite right" these days.  Granted, it's only been about 6 months for me. 

Do you go out at all?  Talk to anyone on the phone?  Talk to anyone online (other than us)?  

I find that taking a walk helps.  Reading helps.  Talking to people online helps.  Meditating helps.  Watching Youtube, particularly Ted talks about grief, helps.  Anything to make the suffering decrease a bit, even momentarily, is what I try to seek out cause sometimes, the pain is just unbearable.  But then sometimes, just crying and letting it all out and facing the pain helps.  Just let the pain be heard, let it be, and soon I realize that it subsides a bit if not a lot.   I hope you'll hang in there.  Wishing you the strength and motivation to find something, anything, that might help lessen your suffering a little bit.  You are not alone! 💝   

[WithoutHer]

56 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do you go out at all?  Talk to anyone on the phone?  Talk to anyone online (other than us)?

I don't go out except to the pharmacy or doctors office. They're both in the same building. I have no desire to go anywhere on my own.

I talk to Vickie's daughter roughly on once a month or so but that's it. I have a text conversation with the lady that delivers my groceries when I'm doing an order but she's been out of commission lately with serious hypertension issues. No one else to talk to. I don't call her daughter when I'm having a hard time. Although she's a very strong woman and handled losing her mom better than I it doesn't feel right to put my emotional problems on her. I express some when we talk but never call her out of desperation.

I do the distractions you mentioned every day. YouTube and a select Netflix or Prime movie or series binge. Today I escaped watching the last season of Sweet Tooth which I was waiting for. Vickie would have enjoyed that series. I watch many things new to me I know she would liked as well. It's that feeling that also becomes overwhelming sometimes as well. But it also is a way of keeping her with me. Truth is no distraction remove the inner pain but they do alter perspective sometimes.

As far as therapist methods or specialties I don't care about them anymore. I know there are probably good ones out there but doing the schedule alone turns me off. I never mentioned it here a year ago while I shared my stroke experience with everyone here while in the hospitals but while in the 2nd hospital doing physical therapy a psychiatrist visited me about my grieving. This guy while questioning me about medication options was so mechanical and robotic I couldn't get him out of the room fast enough. I told my duty nurse that evening to please make sure he never comes back. 

My emotions have always been a part of my making and I understand myself well but that doesn't make dealing with them and the grief any easier. This is in my opinion the worst experience anyone can go through. I honestly believe that those that get over it quickly, as some do, are actually detached from their emotions. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Talking here is my only release.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

16 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

On Saturday baby will be gone 6 months.

6 months for me was last December.  Perhaps because it was also Christmas and I was feeling immense emotions about the holidays, once they passed, the intense pain was somewhat attenuated.  I still miss Veronica so much it hurts but what I feel more now immense sadness.  Like you said, it has evolved.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I lost all respect for them years ago. Not going into the details of why I saw them but I've said it here before after seeing the ones I did I left with the feeling that those folks need help more than I.

I am so sorry for your experience!  I totally get it, there are some that are good, some that are not.  When my George died we had one person in town with a "Grief Counselor" placquard up...NOT!!!  He should have stuck to drug and alcohol counseling, something he knew something about.

That said, I know there are good ones if you live near a city.  My good friend and website owner is such, she is amazing!  But she's in her 80s and no longer is in practice, still, I learned so much from her and her articles and responses (she reads each and every post on her website still!) and has a degree in Thanatology.  I love her to pieces and will until the day I die!

My advice, try a counselor, if after three visits it hasn't improved, try another.  Try a grief support group (something I led until the pandemic), but again it varies with the leader...a good one should have materials, a lesson plan, but also be willing to let it flow as needed, should not require people to talk, should provide a warm inviting place so people feel comfortable enough to when they're ready and want to.  It's all about how others feel and can be a great place to make friendships.  We started going to lunch together after our meetings and it was a great connection!   And keep coming here.

9 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I find that taking a walk helps.  Reading helps.  Talking to people online helps.  Meditating helps.  Watching Youtube, particularly Ted talks about grief, helps.

All great suggestions!  I spent half my life in counseling because of growing up in horrible abuse (mom) and a weak ineffectual dad that never stood up for us, he was an alcoholic...what a legacy for parents! I am so proud that my siblings and I broke that chain of abuse and were great parents.  It can happen!  We were also each other's best friends and support over the years.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Talking here is my only release.

Then I am especially glad you have us!  💙

[DWS]

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

My emotions have always been a part of my making and I understand myself well but that doesn't make dealing with them and the grief any easier. This is in my opinion the worst experience anyone can go through. 

I certainly understand your assessment here! "Know thyself" and "to thine own self, be true" are the wisest idioms but, as I've told myself too many times, sometimes it can end up being a blessing and a curse. I know what I like and what I don't like...who I am and who I am not. These are the hardline narratives that I live by. It wasn't always that way. As it goes when you're younger, you're steered into being one of the crowd or, in my case, try to be. And as one ages, we start noticing patterns within ourselves that don't quite mesh with the others. That's when individualization really transforms us. If we're strong enough and confident enough within, we stick to this uniqueness.

That's where this vital importance of our partners and spouses in our lives steps in. They saw that in us, were drawn to it, and didn't run the other way! They supported the unique us and we did the same for them. I see and feel that from practically every person who reaches this forum and stays around a bit. Unique individuals who hurt badly and now are lost and empty without their supportive other. 

I think the only real solution for some solace is talking about it and expressing the sadness and exasperation. That's what a good grief therapist understands and practices...because they've usually dealt with it personally. And this forum greatly helps with it too. 

[Boggled]

10 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I don't go out except to the pharmacy or doctors office. They're both in the same building. I have no desire to go anywhere on my own.

I talk to Vickie's daughter roughly on once a month or so but that's it. I have a text conversation with the lady that delivers my groceries when I'm doing an order but she's been out of commission lately with serious hypertension issues. No one else to talk to. I don't call her daughter when I'm having a hard time. Although she's a very strong woman and handled losing her mom better than I it doesn't feel right to put my emotional problems on her. I express some when we talk but never call her out of desperation.

I do the distractions you mentioned every day. YouTube and a select Netflix or Prime movie or series binge. Today I escaped watching the last season of Sweet Tooth which I was waiting for. Vickie would have enjoyed that series. I watch many things new to me I know she would liked as well. It's that feeling that also becomes overwhelming sometimes as well. But it also is a way of keeping her with me. Truth is no distraction remove the inner pain but they do alter perspective sometimes.

As far as therapist methods or specialties I don't care about them anymore. I know there are probably good ones out there but doing the schedule alone turns me off. I never mentioned it here a year ago while I shared my stroke experience with everyone here while in the hospitals but while in the 2nd hospital doing physical therapy a psychiatrist visited me about my grieving. This guy while questioning me about medication options was so mechanical and robotic I couldn't get him out of the room fast enough. I told my duty nurse that evening to please make sure he never comes back. 

My emotions have always been a part of my making and I understand myself well but that doesn't make dealing with them and the grief any easier. This is in my opinion the worst experience anyone can go through. I honestly believe that those that get over it quickly, as some do, are actually detached from their emotions. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Talking here is my only release.

WithoutHer, I can empathize at least!  and that terrible pain I've been through too!  I think you have to WANT, at least, for the pain to stop.      You have to WANT the pain to stop.   Something deep inside you needs to struggle to get out of the agony.

And if that means reaching out to someone to ask them to be a friend, you have to call somebody.

The first time I felt a cessation of the pain was standing in a big nearly empty pole building store, debating WITH MYSELF, "do I WANT a pillow?"  My one friend that I had reached out to, several months after my husband died, was also in the store, but far away in the store.  I think what I was doing was making a choice, for myself, I was ENGAGING as "just me," not thinking about what Steve would say or want, just engaging, just on my single individual self-ish own.  

But it's not self-ish, not when you've been in constant pain for months and months, to make a choice as "just you!" ... YOU the individual have to re-emerge from the deep intertwined connection between you and your loved one.  At least a little, at least to just start.   ... to ENGAGE in some small way with the rest of the world, you have to get out of your house and your intertwined place and just BE ... BE YOU.  YOU as you.    ... yeah, sigh, does this make sense?   

[Boggled]

and having said that about being a separate BEING I walked out on the front deck ramp and looked up at Steve's ham radio antennas, still hanging there, STILL THERE, and cried and told him I love him so much!!!!!

[P777]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Then I am especially glad you have us!  💙

Personally, at the moment, I find talking to people who have lost someone is the best form of counselling ie this group. It sounds like a lot of people on here live in the States. I live in Ireland, and find the groups here online arent great in all honesty, so I am pleased this group here exists! Its early days for me, so I havent decided if I need a counsellor or not in the future. You know something before my Wife passed my emotions were pretty much the same each day. Now, two days my emotions are never the same. It goes from the almost unbearable pain of losing her to extreme hapiness with our Son, with all other emotions and everything in between! I know I have said it before, but for me, faith for me has kept me strong, and also kept our Son strong. The belief in an afterlife I think is so important.

[HisMunchkin]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I don't go out except to the pharmacy or doctors office. They're both in the same building. I have no desire to go anywhere on my own.

That's a shame.  To be honest, I would probably in the same shoes as you if it wasn't for the fact that I have responsibilities which forces me to go out on my own.  To the bank, to the lawyer's office, to the accountant's office, etc.  When I'm at those places already, if there are shops or grocery stores nearby, I would pop in since I'm there already.  And for places close by like the vet and post office, I'd walk.  The first time I walked to the post office, it seemed long and strenuous cause I've been rather out of shape.  But now I'm getting used to walking and it's actually quite pleasant.  Same with yard work.  I find myself actually enjoying garden work a little bit..... but just a little bit so don't get too excited. 😜  If you can force yourself to do something like a short walk each day, maybe you'll find it enjoyable with time?  Or maybe not.  You won't know until you do it, though.  Trial and error to find what might help you suffer even a little bit less. 

 

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I have a text conversation with the lady that delivers my groceries when I'm doing an order but she's been out of commission lately with serious hypertension issues.

That's nice!  Maybe you can start a friendship?

 

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Today I escaped watching the last season of Sweet Tooth which I was waiting for.

I watched the first two season.  Haven't really had time to watch the last yet.  The groundhog boy is really cute!

 

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Truth is no distraction remove the inner pain but they do alter perspective sometimes.

Of course it won't remove the pain, but it can help give you a little break at times, and lessen the continuous suffering a bit.  And then there are times when you need to face the pain and feel it for what it is.  I heard it's a good idea to do that.  Sit in it, stew in it, listen to it, observe it, acknowledge it, etc.  Trying to push it away would just make it worse, so I hear.  But I think it's true cause I did sit in it, etc., and cry when I needed to.  Tending to the pain with compassion helps, I find.

 

 

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I honestly believe that those that get over it quickly, as some do, are actually detached from their emotions.

Maybe, or maybe they did grieve but that they managed to move forward faster cause they were able to build up new and positive emotional resources.  Rewiring one's brain to adapt, and even thrive in the "new reality".  At the opposite end, if one only focuses on the loss and dwell on all the negatives, that would reinforce that particular neural pathway.  After some time, the feelings of helplessness and despair will grow, and soon, one can't see anything else but the grief, and everything that's not going right seems to be due to the loss, directly or indirectly, and nothing seems possible unless the deceased came back, etc. etc.  Which is also not very realistic, imho.  I personally fear getting to that state, so I try my best to find ways to move forward and live with the grief (that will likely resurface for the rest of my life).  Live with my undying love for my husband without it being all, or even mostly, about mourning his death, if that makes any sense.  It feels like an uphill battle at times, but I try and try.  I hope you'll be able to try too. 💝

 

3 hours ago, DWS said:

As it goes when you're younger, you're steered into being one of the crowd or, in my case, try to be. And as one ages, we start noticing patterns within ourselves that don't quite mesh with the others.

I know exactly what you mean!  Looking back, I would think to myself, "Why the heck did I go to those parties?  They weren't enjoyable at all!?!  I should have tried X, Y, and Z instead!

 

3 hours ago, DWS said:

That's where this vital importance of our partners and spouses in our lives steps in. They saw that in us, were drawn to it, and didn't run the other way! They supported the unique us and we did the same for them.

For us, it was more of a compromise.  We didn't agree on every single thing, so we learned to compromise on things that we did not agree on.  We both also changed with time and made adjustments accordingly.  A lot of time and effort was invested in nurturing our relationship, and our bond grew with time too.  I find that that is also another reason why the loss is so impactful.  It's not just the bond we had that was lost, it was all that time and effort that we invested as well.  Has anyone here read "The Little Prince"?

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you—the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose. 

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Rewiring one's brain to adapt, and even thrive in the "new reality".  At the opposite end, if one only focuses on the loss and dwell on all the negatives, that would reinforce that particular neural pathway.  After some time, the feelings of helplessness and despair will grow, and soon, one can't see anything else but the grief, and everything that's not going right seems to be due to the loss, directly or indirectly, and nothing seems possible unless the deceased came back, etc. etc.  Which is also not very realistic, imho. 

I'm trying to "be" as "me" more, I think it's like "rewiring one's brain to adapt," and it feels foreign, but I think it helps.   One thing I read about un-inforcing some negative neural pathway, was to use the sense of SMELL;  maybe that's why people burn incense.  

[shawnt]

There is a lot to think about in this . Some real wisdom and some  excellent perspectives .

I think we are all unique and the path for each of us is our own. The pain is universal. For myself I listen to it all, try to adopt some and think about the rest. Judging ourselves based on others progress leads to failure. The best thing I have learned is take each day on its own, try and enjoy the smallest pleasure( my coffee is fantastic this morning; out of sugar ,using maple syrup). Count up what's been lost ( if I must) and some days I can't stop counting losses. But try and look ahead; and if I can ,look forward to something(anything?)that's for the better. We are someone new now, same old body,same old job, same old house but it is all missing my sweet Suzy. Life goes on wether I want it to or not. I think my life long illusion(delusion?)was the belief in happy endings, there is no happy ending , life is finite and everything ends. It's what I do in the middle that counts; how I love, who I help. Can I make someone else's path a little easier. I am not sure if I am deluded but I will endeavour to endure as painful as some days are. My sorrow will be with me the rest of my days but a giggling baby will always make me smile. I have abandoned all hope of a happy ending but have full confidence I can have some joy between now and then, if even only briefly. Maybe it's always been this way and our new dark knowledge of grief has revealed it to us?

Sorry all ;for the rambling rant ,something about this string has brought a lot of things tumbling up and around.

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

One thing I read about un-inforcing some negative neural pathway, was to use the sense of SMELL;  maybe that's why people burn incense.  

Unfortunately for me this is a sense gone for some time. I'm lucky to have regained what little sense of taste I have. I can augment my hearing loss but can do nothing help with that. Vickie loved her oil room fragrances. I never got anything from them. I used up the last of them in her memory even though I couldn't smell them. I'm sure the critters did.

[HisMunchkin]

4 hours ago, Boggled said:

One thing I read about un-inforcing some negative neural pathway, was to use the sense of SMELL;  maybe that's why people burn incense.  

That's interesting.  I've never heard of that.  How does it work?  Also, I personally can't stand the smell of burning incense. 😖  I don't think it's very good for your health either.

 

 

3 hours ago, shawnt said:

Judging ourselves based on others progress leads to failure.

Agree.  We are all different, face different challenges, have different strengths and weaknesses, have different resources, etc.  Best to focus on how to help oneself such that things improve with time, setting realistic expectations, etc.

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

That's interesting.  I've never heard of that.  How does it work?  Also, I personally can't stand the smell of burning incense. 😖  I don't think it's very good for your health either.

Book I got it from was by Norman Doidge, The Brain's Way of Healing, about neuroplasticity, the amygdala is the part of the brain that handles emotional pain, one way to interrupt the emotional pain is to use another use of the amygdala, which is the sense of smell.  If you don't like incense, you could try some other form of smell, I was just commenting about  the historical use of incense ... (which can easily be searched) ... 

[Boggled]

On 6/8/2024 at 8:35 AM, shawnt said:

Life goes on wether I want it to or not. I think my life long illusion(delusion?)was the belief in happy endings, there is no happy ending , life is finite and everything ends. It's what I do in the middle that counts; how I love, who I help.

In this life/world, everything ends.   Yep.  About as far as I can take it here.  

And yeah, I do love happy endings in fiction, in movies, etc. etc.  So often, in novels, the author HAS to resolve things into a "happy ending," partly in order to be able to write the next book in the series!      but even in the old days of the earliest novels (like Robinson Crusoe) there is a happy ending.  But of course, "it's what the novelist does in the middle that counts," eh??  

One thing about OLD novels, they're the thought of someone who lived in a different milieu than this one.   Something that lives on, you might say!  

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

Book I got it from was by Norman Doidge, The Brain's Way of Healing, about neuroplasticity

Thanks!  I am going to try to find that at my library.  I am quite interested in studies of neuroplasticity, actually.

 

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

And yeah, I do love happy endings in fiction, in movies, etc. etc.  So often, in novels, the author HAS to resolve things into a "happy ending," partly in order to be able to write the next book in the series!      but even in the old days of the earliest novels (like Robinson Crusoe) there is a happy ending.  But of course, "it's what the novelist does in the middle that counts," eh??  

But in those stories, "happy ending" falls in the middle of the characters' lives.  If they were real, they will all die (and pay taxes) and suffer the loss of a loved one at some point.  But they are not real, we are.  Such is life, I guess.  And the characters usually go through some hard times, conflicts, losses, and re-emerge back to a peaceful life.  It's probably a mundane life, but by far better than what it was like during those difficult (and "juicy" for the readers) times.  That contrast makes for a "happy" ending.  And perhaps real life is like that too.  If you've been living in a war torn country, for instance, moving to a dingy apartment in a more peaceful country, working long hours to make ends meet, but not having to fear being bombed or shot at any moment may feel like heaven.  On the other hand, if one is accustomed to being pampered, living in a mansion with maids, gardeners, no need to work, etc.  Moving to a dingy apartment, working long hours to make ends meet, would seem like a nightmare.  And maybe breaking a nail is enough to cause distress...  you get my point.  There's a saying, "Today's luxuries becomes tomorrow's necessities."  It's also true that one can adapt with time, and even find pleasure in less.  But I digress... How does this relate to grief?  For me, when a grief wave subsides and I'm feeling o.k., I find that I appreciate that "o.k." period much more, for instance.  And the overall experience with witnessing my husband deteriorate and die.  The pain, the anxiety, the guilt, the despair... it has somehow made me appreciate the little things in life more.   

Anyway, "happy ending":

She picked up the shovel and began pushing the snow away.  She can feel her husband keeping an eye on her, telling her to be mindful of her footing so that she won't slip.  Half the driveway was cleared.  Catching her breath, she continued on and managed to clear the whole driveway.  Salt, and done!  She can hear her husband say, "Great job!  See, you can do it.  One step at a time -  you're going to be o.k......"

[Boggled]

21 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Anyway, "happy ending":

She picked up the shovel and began pushing the snow away.  She can feel her husband keeping an eye on her, telling her to be mindful of her footing so that she won't slip.  Half the driveway was cleared.  Catching her breath, she continued on and managed to clear the whole driveway.  Salt, and done!  She can hear her husband say, "Great job!  See, you can do it.  One step at a time -  you're going to be o.k......"

Beautiful, HisMunchkin!   

though my initial reaction was SADNESS.   

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

Beautiful, HisMunchkin!   

though my initial reaction was SADNESS.   

😛

Perhaps it would have seem happier if it was preceded by something like:  She spent days in bed, unable and unmotivated to do anything, not even to eat.  All she was able to do was cry as the overwhelming pain and sorrow consumed her.  And each morning, she awoke to, or was awoken by a sense of panic and doom.  Death seemed more and more inviting. 

Etc.  Contrast is the key. 

In reality, the story doesn't end with the "happy ending" as stated, of course.  The only ending we can be sure of is that we will all die someday.  Would that make for a happy ending?  A sad ending?...  There is only the road, and the road is full of joy and also full of sorrow.  Moreover, a lot of what's considered joyful and sorrowful is largely subjective.  That's just my humble opinion, though.  I am not religious.  For those who believe in heaven and reuniting with loved ones, I guess that would be a "happy ending"? 

[shawnt]

All in the perspective.

Has me trying to whistle the Monty Python song.

Always look at the bright side of life .....( Cue the whistling)

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Father’s Day, another first without my bride.  I know am still a father to our two sons.  Veronica and I are proud of how they have come into their own as adults, after all the trouble they gave us in high school, but I’m sorry to say I am just not feeling the Father’s Day vibe.  Not without Veronica.  She would be asking what I want for breakfast and insist I only help her if she needed help.  At the Navy base exchange she would help me shop for a special cologne, and we would find one together that I liked, and she liked also.  Last year while she was in the hospital I spent Father’s Day by her bedside helping her eat as she was not able to grasp utensils after suffering a stroke during a heart stent procedure on June 9 of last year.  But i have agreed to meet our younger son and daughter-in-law someplace for dinner.  Older son, the moving company driver, is on the road in Idaho, heading to NM.  So the kids are all okay.  Veronica always checked on them.  Just missing my bride so much it hurts.  

[KayC]

My husband died on Father's Day 19 years ago, so it's a hard day, it was the 19th that year so I get a double whammy, now they call it Juneteenth, yay, more throwing it in my face.

I'm sorry  Rey, I still haven't figured out an easy way to do this, someone told me yesterday I should embrace it, excuse me?  She has kids that remember and sends her flowers and calls her, and her husband's death day didn't occur on such a prominent day. It felt like she was downplaying my loss.  To me it will always be George's death day.

I'm glad you will see your son, Rey.❣️

[Boggled]

Lately the subject of MOTIVATION is ... motivating me! ... to look it up at least.  It's about "will."  Like "will to live," hunh, same sort of thing.  Seems definitely lowered in my case.  I had a brief shining moment of motivating myself with toys.  well, now I opened a box and there's this toy car I bought.  remote controlled, meant for about 7 year olds.  

but ... oh.  Now I gotta open the inner box with the car in it, take it out of the box, read the directions ... try it out.   Can I do it ... ??   Motivation.   

Well I AM really enjoying this "tongue drum" I bought, just banging away  making simple little melodies over and over.   and hey, I'm getting better at it.    a LITTLE.  

 

[HisMunchkin]

46 minutes ago, Boggled said:

now I opened a box and there's this toy car I bought.  remote controlled, meant for about 7 year olds.  

You know what else you can do with an RC car? 😁

 

 

[vvjoris]

On 6/10/2024 at 7:53 PM, HisMunchkin said:

There is only the road, and the road is full of joy and also full of sorrow.  Moreover, a lot of what's considered joyful and sorrowful is largely subjective.  (...) For those who believe in heaven and reuniting with loved ones, I guess that would be a "happy ending"? 

My life was full of joy since the day I met my Rose, although we had many fights. But aren't the fights proof of love? I think couples wouldn't fight if there was no love, both would rather care less if the "counterparty" says or does things one doesn't agree with. 

Fights bring sorrow, but - as it always was in my case - the sorrow is again replaced by joy if the fights are "solved" and we are back in bed hugging/

After the almost 5 months since Rose passed away, I've given "it" a place, and gave her a place in my heart where she will be forever. I feel "normal" again, different then the first weeks when I was feeling really depressed, there wasn't much joy, mostly sorrow all the time, and I wished I could die to be with her, but I never found any proof there's life after death, so no certainty to be back together again in "heaven".

I'm thinking now, as I need a woman in my life, and I already have a "potential" new girlfriend, is it good to start a new relationship. I don't want to feel like I "betray" my Rose...

Your thoughts>

[P777]

9 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Father’s Day, another first without my bride.  I know am still a father to our two sons.  Veronica and I are proud of how they have come into their own as adults, after all the trouble they gave us in high school, but I’m sorry to say I am just not feeling the Father’s Day vibe.  Not without Veronica.  She would be asking what I want for breakfast and insist I only help her if she needed help.  At the Navy base exchange she would help me shop for a special cologne, and we would find one together that I liked, and she liked also.  Last year while she was in the hospital I spent Father’s Day by her bedside helping her eat as she was not able to grasp utensils after suffering a stroke during a heart stent procedure on June 9 of last year.  But i have agreed to meet our younger son and daughter-in-law someplace for dinner.  Older son, the moving company driver, is on the road in Idaho, heading to NM.  So the kids are all okay.  Veronica always checked on them.  Just missing my bride so much it hurts.  

Happy Father's Day Rey, and any other Dads on here! I am with you, but today not as bad as I thought it would be. Our Son made me a nice card, so this was really beautiful. Ive never been big on occassions though and the reason is, every day with my Wife was amazing! I feel for people who are feeling it badly today, and my heart goes out to you.

However, its still only 6pm here in Ireland so still 6 hours to go, so I cant promise I wont shed a few tears. Actually 3 days os a record for me at the moment, withoit tears, and I am 3.5 months in.

All the best..

[KayC]

3 hours ago, vvjoris said:

I don't want to feel like I "betray" my Rose...

You are not betraying her, I am glad you have found someone...I advise people not to go too fast while they are in brain fog, but only that person can determine that.  Wishing yon! well with it, do check back and let us know how you are doing now and then!

[HisMunchkin]

So the thought of an RC car vacuum sent me looking for actual vacuum that you can control - there are none.  Why not?  You can have some fun while vacuuming!?!...  Anyway, now I have my eye on a very cheap robot vacuum that has very good reviews even though it's cheap.  It would help a lot, especially vacuuming under the bed and dressers.  Should I get it?..... 😜

[P777]

13 hours ago, P777 said:

Happy Father's Day Rey, and any other Dads on here! I am with you, but today not as bad as I thought it would be. Our Son made me a nice card, so this was really beautiful. Ive never been big on occassions though and the reason is, every day with my Wife was amazing! I feel for people who are feeling it badly today, and my heart goes out to you.

However, its still only 6pm here in Ireland so still 6 hours to go, so I cant promise I wont shed a few tears. Actually 3 days os a record for me at the moment, withoit tears, and I am 3.5 months in.

All the best..

So I woke at 11pm, yesterday (Irish time) on Fathers Day and could not stop crying, so didnt get through the day as well as I thought earlier in the day! I feel a lot better this morning though. Have a good day everyone, wherever you are in rhe world... 🙏

[Boggled]

20 hours ago, vvjoris said:

I don't want to feel like I "betray" my Rose...

I get that!   The love still exists.  In my case, I want it to always exist.  One thing I've felt, and others have said on here too, is that they live on IN WE WHO LOVE/D THEM.  I think there is something in our hearts that still reaches out to them ... like a radio signal beaming out to connect with their signal as it always used to.

[HisMunchkin]

How's the RC car, Boggled?  Have you tested it out yet? 

[Boggled]

On 6/16/2024 at 6:49 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Anyway, now I have my eye on a very cheap robot vacuum that has very good reviews even though it's cheap.  It would help a lot, especially vacuuming under the bed and dressers.  Should I get it?..... 😜

IF you can afford it AND you think it would be worthwhile relative to its cost and having the space to store another thing, IF it is your will and you WANT it, (I guess you have to consider, will I want it for a long time?), IF it will help you to BE yourself, your choice, your want, EXPRESSING your self!  ... then yeah, go for it!   Me, I think even the act of shopping online is an expression of your SELF, your individual new self, figuring out what "you" want, deciding for your new individual self ... so "YOU" decide, "YOU" choose, "YOU" are a viable individual person making your own choice!

18 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

How's the RC car, Boggled?  Have you tested it out yet? 

well that's easy!  NOPE.    Got through the shipping box and inside is the car's individual box ... I look at it.  Just look at the box.  hahaha.  Haven't opened it yet.  hahahaha!

But the looking at the box, even, is "ME" noticing I don't have the zest for life of a 7-year-old, but knowing what that zest for life felt like when I was a 7-year-old, I would've gone through those boxes in seconds!  I would've had a parent there I could get to read the directions, hahahahaha!   I would have my hands on that RC car right off the bat, I'd be outside running that car around in MINUTES.  well now, it's still sitting there, I still have ahead in the future the great opening of the box, hahahaha!  I'm enough of a believer in "things you buy usually work" to be able to anticipate ... being outside having that car running around ... hahahahahaha!  and the hahaha's I'm EXPRESSING here are a form of joy!  and I THINK it's joy of BEING.   Which is needed I THINK, despite loss! ... it fights the loss.

But I'm 2 years down the line now.  At the beginning of this loss, I couldn't have felt like this, not at all.

[KayC]

My former boss had one, but they didn't have any rugs in their house, they also had central vaccuuming, iow, it'd suck everything up into these vents, the robocleaner was just extra.

[RichS]

This may sound like a daily diary, so here goes:  Today I received a phone call from my friend who is vacationing in Florida with his wife. He mentioned to me some good things that have gone his way lately and I was NOT jealous of him, but genuinely happy for him. 

Then another friend of mine helped me get to my doctor's visit. On the way we chatted about his ailments and mine. His seemed to be showing improvement. Mine didn't seem to change: yet I seemed to be humorous about my health struggles. Again, happy for him, but not jealous.

Then I put the two together and started realizing that I do have some blessings in my life, I shouldn't expect any joys down the road, and I was OK with that. That's when I realized that "numbness" grieving kicked in. it didn't even feel like depression, just a feeling of acceptance of the new normal and not caring about it.

Not sure if anyone else has gone through these kind of feelings, or maybe it's just my beanbag sprung a leak today.

[HisMunchkin]

8 hours ago, Boggled said:

IF you can afford it AND you think it would be worthwhile relative to its cost and having the space to store another thing, IF it is your will and you WANT it, (I guess you have to consider, will I want it for a long time?), IF it will help you to BE yourself, your choice, your want, EXPRESSING your self!  ... then yeah, go for it!   Me, I think even the act of shopping online is an expression of your SELF, your individual new self, figuring out what "you" want, deciding for your new individual self ... so "YOU" decide, "YOU" choose, "YOU" are a viable individual person making your own choice!

So, upon reading more reviews on Amazon, it seems like they have made changes to the model so it no longer has two brushes, but only one.  They no longer give you spares either.  And a few people said it seems louder. ☹️  I've always kind of wanted a robot vac, but they're either super expensive or crappy in quality.  This one is $150 Canadian dollars, and had really good reviews! 

 

8 hours ago, Boggled said:

well that's easy!  NOPE.    Got through the shipping box and inside is the car's individual box ... I look at it.  Just look at the box.  hahaha.  Haven't opened it yet.  hahahaha!

Why not??  Also, what kind of RC car?  Is it one of those that can flip over and keep going?

 

2 hours ago, RichS said:

That's when I realized that "numbness" grieving kicked in. it didn't even feel like depression, just a feeling of acceptance of the new normal and not caring about it.

Was it a "whatever... don't care..." kind of feeling? 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

I was NOT jealous of him, but genuinely happy for him. 

That is a great deal in a grief journey!

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

11 hours ago, RichS said:

Then I put the two together and started realizing that I do have some blessings in my life, I shouldn't expect any joys down the road, and I was OK with that. That's when I realized that "numbness" grieving kicked in. it didn't even feel like depression, just a feeling of acceptance of the new normal and not caring about it.

I have to admit your comments here sort of mirror what I seem to be feeling a bit more each day.  Immense sadness still overshadows everything in my life.  “Numbness grieving” is an apt description.  

I still feel jealous of some of our friends who are sharing pictures of their cruise vacation and trips to Hawaii and such.  I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.  Veronica won’t be able to do that anymore.  I suppose with time, I won’t feel so badly about it.  

[Bou]

On 5/12/2024 at 10:22 AM, Boggled said:

Solace, "comfort or consolation in times of sadness," I find but in teeny tiny bits here and there;  the day I first felt the lack of the severe PAIN just standing in a store deciding if I wanted a pillow, the "things I can't talk about on here," there are tiny bits of solace.  I think, because we did "merge" with our partners, we certainly recognize what you say, "I feel like half of myself now."  And that word "unsettled" is very similar in concept to DWS's talking about, iirc, the relaxed look of people who are happy and comfortable ...    "be ok when I am not ok" ... yes.  Me, it goes in and out, in waves, at least it's not the truly huge overwhelming incredible pain it was at first, for me.   (but you also say "I feel overwhelmed,") I HOPE you are better now, than you were at the beginning!  

This morning I was wondering, why aren't I very good at dealing with the "modern?" my husband seemed more comfortable with "modernity" than me.  really your comment about AI does make me laugh a little, but for those of us really dealing with and in it, it's not funny!

"they skirt around the understanding of love itself ... "  well "therapists try to meet the call" ...  at least they try.   Like banging your head against a brick wall, over and over.  I'm reminded of that "Old Hippie" song by Bellamy Brothers, "just trying real hard to adjust."

Better yes.... the shock is not as prominent.  At first I had major brain fog, could care less if I lived, was in a fight or flight mode.  What has helped me is to take things one step at time.  Check off the list of to do's.  Ask for help-  not easy for me esp when I am surrounded by people who say they are here but when you do ask for help they are not.  ( no fault just how life is they have their own list of to do's to do.)  I have had to go from being dependent to independent.  When you mesh together your lives you not purposely take things for granted.  I am working it.   I have my days.  I am always going to have those days.  It is just how life is.  I will never be the same.  I have changed.  I have grown.  I will never forget him or what we had.  

[KayC]

Yep, you've got it!

[Boggled]

17 hours ago, Bou said:

 I have had to go from being dependent to independent.  When you mesh together your lives you not purposely take things for granted.

I'm working at it too.  Also on the grief sorrow of the very PERSONAL loss of the specific PERSON that I so very absolutely loved!   I have a page in my journal of some of his cute little sayings as I remember them, I write them down.   It's getting pretty full, that page.    I went to add another one yesterday and it was already there!  and reading the others, I cried again.   Cried out of love.  

[WithoutHer]

I had some sinking feelings tonight regarding things I regretfully didn't get to do with Vickie that I know she would have enjoyed it great deal. I have been catching up on the last seasons of the Forged in Fire show on Netflix. This is one I can watch that we both enjoyed together. Because of COVID combined with her fatal illness as things were beginning to open up again I never got to take advantage of my retirement for us to take some over night trips. The episode I watched tonight took place Mystic Seaport  in Mystic Connecticut. Being born in Maine I'm familiar with this beautiful area from travels to and from my home state and I know she would have loved to see the area as well as it's relation to the Mystic Pizza movie. I also never got to take her Ocean City Maryland which being a beach lover she also would have enjoyed. I know she enjoyed the Panama Beach area 

I guess tonight I had some late regrets come to mind because of the show. I can only look to the sky and do I'm sorry we didn't get to enjoy our retirement adventures you do deserved.

[DWS]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Because of COVID combined with her fatal illness as things were beginning to open up again I never got to take advantage of my retirement for us to take some over night trips. 

Those couple of years of COVID and how it robbed us from the normalcy of our lives gets underestimated and forgotten in our grief. I know for myself that it's had its role in why I still heavily grieve the loss of my partner. Things started to calm down in early 2022. Tom took full retirement at that time. I was looking forward to the summer of 2022 when we could finally do some traveling together....something that we'd not been able to do before because of my continual concerns with my cat Dolly and her declining health in her senior years as well as COVID. I sadly said goodbye to Dolly in November 2021. As grief-stricken as I was with her passing, it did open doors to Tom and I enjoying some travel and he being able to enjoy his retirement....then three and a half months later, he was gone as well. 

[RichS]

34 minutes ago, DWS said:

Those couple of years of COVID and how it robbed us from the normalcy of our lives gets underestimated and forgotten in our grief.

I can totally relate. Because of her leuchemia, Chris had to basically stay at home, indoors for two years. This often left her frustrated. When Ross and I did go out, we had to avoid indoor, public places; which  scared her since she feared us bringing home any sign of COVID. She also felt guilty in that she felt Ross and I were sacrificing going to certain places in order for her to remain safe.