Members JonathanFive Posted April 5 Author Members Report Share Posted April 5 My body was really shutting off before I got that iron pill. I wasn't really grieving and crying, didn't have the strenght. I was sorta, "getting ready for a real long sleep." Now I'm awake again, this loss of him really just aches. It's plain painful. So much hurt I can't even 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 5 Moderators Report Share Posted April 5 I guess in a way the pain is a sign you are alive...I am sorry life sucks so much right now. Better days ahead although it'll likely be a good long while before it's noticeable. 💜 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post HisMunchkin Posted April 6 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 6 I am relieved to hear that you are awake again, though sad that it has the side effect of "having enough energy to think and miss your soulmate". 🙁 Today, I went to the grocery store that we used to often go to. It's the first time I'd gone after his passing. Walking through each familiar aisles accompanied by an unfamiliar feeling like, "there should be someone with me, pushing the cart, having a conversation... That item, that's what he would pick up!... Where did he go? Is he really not coming back? Did he really leave me behind?....." And then a strong feeling of yearning sets in. Almost wanted to burst out crying, but managed to suck it in and only had teary eyes. I let it all out when I got home, though. Could not stop crying. Still crying, actually. It's one of those, "hit you hard" days, I guess. Did you get an appointment with a hematologist? 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonathanFive Posted April 6 Author Members Report Share Posted April 6 I hear you on the, "yearning," and shopping in certain stores!! Ouch that gets me. Yes, May 6th with the hematologist. I seem to be surviving on the iron pill. But I took two naps today, but of course I only got five hours of sleep last night... Now I'll be awake all night. Sitting in my bedroom burning candles I suppose 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post WithoutHer Posted April 6 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 6 3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said: Walking through each familiar aisles accompanied by an unfamiliar feeling like, "there should be someone with me, pushing the cart, having a conversation... That item, that's what he would pick up!... Where did he go? Is he really not coming back? Did he really leave me behind?....." And then a strong feeling of yearning sets in. Almost wanted to burst out crying, but managed to suck it in and only had teary eyes. I let it all out when I got home, though. Could not stop crying. Still crying, actually. It's one of those, "hit you hard" days, I guess. Oh I teared up just reading your words. They reminded me of our weekend adventures before the pandemic. We were together shopping either Friday night after I got home from work or sometimes a Saturday if we wanted to have an adventurous day driving about our tri-state area and including our shopping before heading home. Vickie loved our drives and just taking in the scenery. But those walks through the stores were exactly as you described and remembered them. And everything around me reminds me of her. This place was mostly empty when I moved in and it was that way when she came to live with me. Now everything wall to wall represents her. She was the happiest she'd ever been in her life here and her daughter reminds me of that when she calls to check on me every few months. One of those days indeed. I've had an extra emotionally hard time for some reason the past few days. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post LMR Posted April 6 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 6 6 hours ago, HisMunchkin said: Today, I went to the grocery store that we used to often go to. It's the first time I'd gone after his passing. Walking through each familiar aisles accompanied by an unfamiliar feeling like, "there should be someone with me, pushing the cart, having a conversation... That item, that's what he would pick up!... Where did he go? Is he really not coming back? Did he really leave me behind?....." And then a strong feeling of yearning sets in. Almost wanted to burst out crying, but managed to suck it in and only had teary eyes. I let it all out when I got home, though. Could not stop crying. Still crying, actually. It's one of those, "hit you hard" days, I guess. Oh, you've got me all teared up. I felt exactly the same, the emptiness just follows you about. Moving to UK didn't really help either. For a long time I couldn't go in any food store without crying. I would see things that were generally not available to us in US but that I knew he would enjoy. I was always wanting to take something home for him and it broke my heart all over again that I couldn't. It's got better but I go in with a list, eyes down and whip around, no browsing. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted April 6 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted April 6 We always shopped for groceries together, made a day of it as we had to travel 50 miles away to buy them. We'd buy a pizza and take it to friends even further away, then on the way home stop and get groceries. He'd been a starving kid 2nd to oldest of 11 kids, his dad drank instead of bringing home $ for the family, so they were often hungry, like seriously. George would leave so there'd be more for the younger ones. This shaped and molded his view of food and he really enjoyed it. It was my greatest pleasure to cook for him and see his excitement! After he died, I couldn't bring myself to go get groceries without him, my daughter did it for me for a few months and I still remember the first time I put on my big girl panties and made the trek myself. I bawled throughout the store. People looked at me weird which didn't help but I couldn't stop. Many a time I'd stop and pull over off the highway and cry until I could see to drive again. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Rey Dominguez Jr Posted April 7 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 7 Veronica and I would always go grocery shopping at the Navy base commissary. We would always combine the groceries with a trip to the pharmacy to get her meds, then stop at the food court to grab a burger at Five Guys. Or we would go shopping in the base exchange, then food, then to the commissary. Most times she would sit in an out of the way area sorting and cutting coupons, then she would call or text me to come and get the coupons so I could find the coupon items. Sometimes she would follow me in a powered scooter and fill the basket with her own selections and I would have to combine them before going to the checkout. I would take the stuff out to the truck and then come back and get her and wheel her over so I could help her get into the truck. Sometimes we stopped to get flowers on the way out. First time I went to the commissary after she passed, it was difficult. Many items I no longer put in the basket because she was not with me anymore. Her absence was represented by the half-empty shopping card. So hard. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post WithoutHer Posted April 8 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 8 It's not just today. This past week has been exceptionally difficult emotionally. I had a couple of good moments, especially my jury recusal issue, but it's been days of reliving everything all over again and fighting the site and my phone wanting to share with everyone the eldest of our pets who is completely tuned into her dad's feelings. She comes and sits on the arm of chair with me when I'm feeling that deep loss of her mom Meet Bella the masked princess of the house. That perfect bell shape on her nose provided her name. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisMunchkin Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 32 minutes ago, WithoutHer said: It's not just today. This past week has been exceptionally difficult emotionally. I had a couple of good moments, especially my jury recusal issue, but it's been days of reliving everything all over again and fighting the site and my phone wanting to share with everyone the eldest of our pets who is completely tuned into her dad's feelings. She comes and sits on the arm of chair with me when I'm feeling that deep loss of her mom Meet Bella the masked princess of the house. That perfect bell shape on her nose provided her name. SO cUUUUUUUte!!!! 😍 She looks like she has a giant nose. 🥰 Thank you for sharing!! So you don't have to go for jury duty? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WithoutHer Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 11 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said: SO cUUUUUUUte!!!! 😍 She looks like she has a giant nose. 🥰 Thank you for sharing!! So you don't have to go for jury duty? It's the mask giving that appearance but she is a fair size kitty about 11 years old and much more laid back than the other 2 younger rascals around here. No jury duty. My doctor's office wrote a medical letter for recusal and it was approved first thing in the morning after uploading it the evening before. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 8 Moderators Report Share Posted April 8 Thank you for sharing a picture of Bella with us so we can meet her! Sounds like she brings you a lot of enjoyment. I miss my last few kitties. Esp. Kitty, she was a character, one of a kind. I thought she was old when I got her (12 or 13) but she lived to 25 1/2! She was different from any of my other cats, loud, demanding, addicted to Easy Cheese, which I bought just for her. Panther doesn't like cheese. I got him a bigger bowl that says Fat Cat on it, Kodie had to run off a skunk in the middle of the night wanting into it so I put it inside until morning...at 3 am he was sitting outside waiting for it! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonathanFive Posted April 8 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8 I had a dream about him. It was so real! So real. I can remember the dream clearly. It was such a real day together. Then I woke up alone. The human brain is so weird. Such a mystery 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Boggled Posted April 8 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted April 8 12 hours ago, WithoutHer said: Meet Bella the masked princess of the house. That perfect bell shape on her nose provided her name. wow, what a sympathetic look she has! Very understanding. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Boggled Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 20 minutes ago, JonathanFive said: The human brain is so weird. Such a mystery I, whoever "I" am, agree! yes. I wonder so many things. There are so many many things that remind, over and over and over and over, lately in response to the immediate crying and sadness that happens, I've been sort of asking my brain, "why? what are you doing where you put the reminding thing together with this emotion of grief and sadness?" It's even weird that I can examine/question my brain ... as if it's separate from "me?" but it and "I" are in here together! and no, I'm not schizophrenic, and yes, somehow my brain and I are getting closer to where I might try to meditate again ... WHO is the "me" that pushes the thoughts aside? hahahahaha!ha! humor ... I can ask my brain, "why is that funny?" hahaha! but hunh. only speculation. Answers aren't ever definite, are they? Even "science" needs to keep remembering it ALL starts with "hypothesis." 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisMunchkin Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 14 hours ago, WithoutHer said: No jury duty. My doctor's office wrote a medical letter for recusal and it was approved first thing in the morning after uploading it the evening before. That's great news!! What a load off! 👍🥳 3 hours ago, JonathanFive said: I had a dream about him. It was so real! So real. I can remember the dream clearly. It was such a real day together. What was the dream about? Also, how are you feeling? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonathanFive Posted April 8 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8 Just now, HisMunchkin said: What was the dream about? Also, how are you feeling? I'm feeling a lot better as I've been on this iron pill for over a week. Not sure if I said it, but I didn't get an appointment with the hematologist till May 6th, but I should be ok on the iron pill till then. You want to hear what happened in the dream? This is not fun... We were in the car together, we were talking about life and stuff, and I looked over at him and I said, "you will be dead in two weeks from fentanyl." Then I heard my phone ringing my morning alarm. Woke up groggy, flipped on the computer, started getting ready for work etc 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisMunchkin Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 37 minutes ago, JonathanFive said: I'm feeling a lot better as I've been on this iron pill for over a week. Not sure if I said it, but I didn't get an appointment with the hematologist till May 6th, but I should be ok on the iron pill till then. Good to hear you're feeling a lot better. May 6th is quite far away! Will they be monitoring your blood in the meantime to check on your hemoglobin? Too much iron can also be detrimental. 39 minutes ago, JonathanFive said: We were in the car together, we were talking about life and stuff, and I looked over at him and I said, "you will be dead in two weeks from fentanyl." Then I heard my phone ringing my morning alarm. Woke up groggy, flipped on the computer, started getting ready for work etc 🥺 Perhaps in the back of your dream mind, you realize that he was already gone? I had a dream that my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. But then I also thought, in my dream, that wait - he has already passed. How can he have lung cancer? Or another time, I dreamed that my husband came home, but then part of "reality" kicked in and I remember that he's actually gone. I held him, cried, and asked him to please don't go! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JonathanFive Posted April 8 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8 I got a new job, so I'm wrapping this job Wednesday noon. A soon as I get some free time, I'm going to see about getting to the hematologist a little more expediently 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HisMunchkin Posted April 8 Members Report Share Posted April 8 Congrats on the new job!! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 8 Moderators Report Share Posted April 8 Yes, definite congrats in store for you!❣️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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