Today it just seems to be an overwhelming sadness

[Marq]

37 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Anyways..  "this huge sorrow."   I can see this causing me some sort of heart attack or something in my 50s or early 60s.   - because I'm male...   I just can't understand how people can survive this kind of emotional trauma

 

Thats how I feel!  I am setting up estate planning for my kids.  paying for everything in advance.  i cannot see how people survive this, go on, and have normal joyful lives.  there is no normal now.  there was normal, and now there is everything else

[HisMunchkin]

On 2/7/2024 at 8:25 PM, JonathanFive said:

Do you have an iPhone?   Can you not send all the texts to whatsapp, or back them up somehow?    What phone do you have?

I have a Samsung.  I tried transfering the texts using a couple of Samsung apps but do dice.  I took a screen shot of his last message for safe keeping.  The rest, I'll just have to let go.

 

On 2/7/2024 at 10:25 PM, DWS said:

I wonder why you're seeing that happen. Hopefully, they are retrievable. The years of texts I had with my partner are precious to me so I searched for information about them. I learned that every message is embedded on the phone itself. They stay even when a sender's phone number has been cancelled. 

I think maybe it's because his phone belonged to his work and they took it back and cancelled his phone plan.

 

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

Anyways..  "this huge sorrow."   I can see this causing me some sort of heart attack or something in my 50s or early 60s.   - because I'm male...   I just can't understand how people can survive this kind of emotional trauma

Do you get pain in the chest too?  Like someone's squeezing it with a vice? 

[JonathanFive]

11 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do you get pain in the chest too?  Like someone's squeezing it with a vice? 

I did in the first 1 - 5 weeks following his passing.  That's anxiety.  

There were a couple of times I stood up following his passing, and I thought I would have a heart attack then and there, I had to lie back down.   

 

[WithoutHer]

38 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I have a Samsung.  I tried transfering the texts using a couple of Samsung apps but do dice.  I took a screen shot of his last message for safe keeping.  The rest, I'll just have to let go.

You can use SMS Backup and restore found in the play store. It will auto backup texts daily on your schedule. All or just new depending on your choice. I wanted to keep our texts after Vickie passed and found this as a solution. 

[HisMunchkin]

31 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I did in the first 1 - 5 weeks following his passing.  That's anxiety.  

There were a couple of times I stood up following his passing, and I thought I would have a heart attack then and there, I had to lie back down.   

 

I felt crushing pain in my chest too.  I though it was just grief, or immense sadness and yearning.  My heart rate also went up to the 90's.  There's something called broken heart syndrome. 

 

7 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

You can use SMS Backup and restore found in the play store. It will auto backup texts daily on your schedule. All or just new depending on your choice. I wanted to keep our texts after Vickie passed and found this as a solution. 

Thanks for the info!  I will give it a try. 

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Thanks for the info!  I will give it a try

Once you set it up it takes care of itself. You're saving the text to readable files. It allowed me to keep an archive of our previous texts and my activity with Vickie's daughter whom I am so thankful for her help during those first few awful days. 

[JonathanFive]

49 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

@JonathanFive - the anniversaries are always so difficult & hoping you managed some of things you mentioned that you might do on 15 Feb.

On grief, I go through sorrow, sadness, guilt, denial, anger, bargaining, growth - back and forth but definitely more an overall feeling of sadness and sorrow as others have said. Not in stages, but just back and forth. Even one day might include  all of those emotions.

I think Linear Stage models of grief are being moved away from, and new theories such as the Dual Process Model are getting more consideration.  I very much like the DPM of grief.  I also think it is important to separate the constructs of bereavement and grief, the former is more objective, the latter is more emotive.

In the Dual Process Model, "denial," has a restorative focus.

But I have a theory of my own, that the most important asset to working with grief is actually, "worldview." 

It's not coping skills, its not resilience, how tough or easy life has been up to the point of loss, and while you cannot entirely count in, or count out anything - worldview, outlook, "are you an optimist, or a pessimist, are you spiritual or do you disbelieve?"  I'm not just talking about "religious spirituality, or one that has a clearly defined construct of God."

How we view the world, how we accept ourselves, and how we see through loves, space, and time, factore into how we survive our loved ones when they pass.  

Do I dare to be a bitter old man, and curse world and God, and damn everything for everything stole him from me?

Do I look up the sky and ask? Are you up there babe, do you remember us?   Do you remember me?  "Whispering you my I love you, for all time."

 

With that said, I've been crying all day.   Arrg...  I just can't be the bitter old man, I miss him, I am beyond sorry he's gone, I hope he hear's me somehow, I will find a way to smile in grief, remember that what we shared was the ultimate gift 

[HisMunchkin]

I've been on the low too, and I also experienced what you mentioned somewhere else.  The "I want him back!  I want him back!" feeling.  It's like part of me thinks that if I wished hard enough, he will come back.  Or maybe part of me still can't believe that he's gone.  It feels like my mind is banging itself against the wall.  So fruitless...  I no longer get those "expect him to come home" feelings anymore.  You know, like if you heard something in the home you shared, your first instinct is to think that he was him, that sort of thing?  Days feel "hallow", devoid of meaning.  I continue to exist, but it doesn't feel like living, if that makes any sense?  Anyway, *big hugs*.  All we can do is keep going forward and hope that all this will pass.  Or at the very least, pass for a few days so we can get a break before the roller coaster does another nose dive...     

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Anyway, *big hugs*. 

I actually was wondering where you were, I almost private message to you because I hadn’t seen you posted in a few days.
 

I’m out at a  group for people but when I get home, I’m gonna give you a better response to your comment here

Big hugs back to you

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Days feel "hallow", devoid of meaning.  I continue to exist, but it doesn't feel like living, if that makes any sense?  

That makes perfect sense, and to be honest, it sounds like a, "pre-acceptance mindset."   I think it is kind of like, "the downs," before a little bit of a breakthrough.   You seem like a really strong person - think about what he loved about you so much, and what he would want for you, even if he was not with you in the present moment.

We are not people likely to lie to ourselves.  I know my partner's wishes for me. I am absolutely sure he would not me living a life, "in complete sadness, without any hope of laughter and smiles."

I think one of the hardest things after loosing a spouse - and I think it is very specific to loosing a spouse is, "finding some purpose."

I notice you sold your car - without the car are you stuck at home?

[HisMunchkin]

21 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I actually was wondering where you were, I almost private message to you because I hadn’t seen you posted in a few days.

Awww....  thanks, man! 💗  And, we have private messages here? 😅............

 

21 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I’m out at a  group for people

Hey, that's great!  How did it go?  How did you feel?

 

19 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

think about what he loved about you so much

You know, I'm not really sure.

 

19 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I think one of the hardest things after loosing a spouse - and I think it is very specific to loosing a spouse is, "finding some purpose."

Ya.  He was such a huge part of my life, a huge part of when I had envisioned as our future.  Now I don't know where I'm going, so to speak.  Have you began looking into the future?  I'm still trying to get by each day. 

 

19 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I notice you sold your car - without the car are you stuck at home?

I don't drive so I'm mostly stuck at home, even with the car.  But if I must go somewhere, I'd walk for get a ride from family or take Lyft.  I don't usually go out much, though.  Not even when my husband was around.  We liked staying home a lot, even before the pandemic. 

 

How are you feeling today compared to yesterday?

[JonathanFive]

<--  Awww....  thanks, man! 💗  And, we have private messages here? 😅............

Yes 🙂  

<-- Hey, that's great!  How did it go?  How did you feel?

Meh, I had almost 10 years when I met Ricki, starting time over I guess

<-- You know, I'm not really sure.

There is never one reason, its usually a bunch of reasons.

<-- Ya.  He was such a huge part of my life, a huge part of when I had envisioned as our future.  Now I don't know where I'm going, so to speak.  Have you began looking into the future?  I'm still trying to get by each day. 

Yah, me too.   I am 45 and a widower.   And the world is, "filled with junk."   I am never getting married again.   I hear ya

<-- I don't drive so I'm mostly stuck at home, even with the car.  But if I must go somewhere, I'd walk for get a ride from family or take Lyft.  I don't usually go out much, though.  Not even when my husband was around.  We liked staying home a lot, even before the pandemic. 

We were also the stay at home type.

<-- How are you feeling today compared to yesterday?

"Tuesday is gone with the wind."  🙂

Its a rollercoaster.   Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I am not.   This is the real true heartbreak of my life.   Nothing else can even come close.    I'm fixing to drink some coffee and burn candles.

I'm grateful for the time I had him with me here on earth.   I'm sad for all the time we lost.

[HisMunchkin]

18 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I am never getting married again.   I hear ya

I can't even begin to imagine dating someone new, not to mention marriage. 

 

18 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

"Tuesday is gone with the wind."  🙂

Its a rollercoaster.   Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I am not.   This is the real true heartbreak of my life.   Nothing else can even come close.    I'm fixing to drink some coffee and burn candles.

Had to Google "Tuesday is gone with the wind."

Ya, I have never felt so awful before.  Not when my grandparents died (sorry grandma and grandpa!), and not when my dog of 16 years died.  This one feels like a nightmare that I can't seem to get out of. 

 

18 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I'm grateful for the time I had him with me here on earth.   I'm sad for all the time we lost.

*nodding in understanding*  Big hug to you. 💝

[WithoutHer]

A day and half of nostalgia and melancholy with a mix of heartwarming moments. 

I could put this under "What positive can you list today" for parts were heartwarming. However it's also been a whimsical roller coaster so I think it belongs here. I didn't want it to a stand alone post  And I'm sorry if it takes too long to explain it, I'm not sure how I'm going to compile it, but my mind and soul are roaming and desperately need release so I apologize ahead of time if you can't relate or get through it. The first part is a rehash of my early times with Vickie mentioned before but for this is important to reexplain because I doubt few remember and I want my experience understood from my view as best as I can hopefully the emotions in me will come through. 

Vickie and I found each other on a website called Experience Project, known as EP, onowhich is greatly missed by hundreds of thousands of users. During the years of it's existence we got know each other there and using the site tools personally got to know each other and decided to meet. I flew her here for a week approx September of 2011 and we were perfect together. That Christmas week I rented a Van and brought her to live me. There is a complete story in that which can stand as a fun chapter of it's own. But Christmas Day became our anniversary together. 

So we started a life here together, the most content and comfortable we had ever been. BUT we continue to use EP with even more fun because we were separate entities there and sitting side by side during our play which gave us a fun advantage. Only a few knew we were together and kept the secret. 

 Unfortunately bad players eventually came along and were not only ruining EP but also creating behind the scenes legal problems for the owners. A date was set and at exactly 4:00pm EDT April 21st 2016 the site shut down to users while Vickie and I sat beside each other observing in sadness.

Preparing for this another site was being created to fulfill the EP loss. It is called Similar Worlds and is still up and running. While the concept and similarities are there it is no EP by a long shot. Vickie tried it for a while but I didn't bother.

HOWEVER!!! Here it comes. Feeling nostalgic I went and did some perusing of Similar Worlds and saw they had an Experience Project category and was surprised that after 8 years some are still talking about it. I made an account, with no intention of posting and starting exploring. It occurred to me although I didn't try this back then, because current EP users trying it back then were not happy, Vickie did give it a bit of a try mostly to try and see how many of her EP friends were there. So I figured how to search the place and found my girl. I teared up of course immediately as she also used the same EP profile picture. It's an adorable pic of her great niece, maybe 5 yrs old, with her eyes closed hugging a cute teddy bear.

I Sat and full calm went through her posts, mostly just off the cuff questions, and the replies. I could see trying to bring back the feel and activity of EP and her lack of interaction showed me her disappointment with out her ever telling me face to face. She never said much about it but her last post was the end of the same year.

For a time to day I had this warm heart feeling visiting remnants of my Vickie on that sight. I will revisit because it brought me a closeness like I felt when we were here sharing online time together while side by side. 

But it also caught up with me and I cried for hours on end. I revisited the 10 minute video her niece made for her funeral, all still photos of her life set to 3 pieces of continuing music with heart breaking lyric "Here's to us" right at the end with a picture of Vickie and I together.

it's been very tearful day. Again sorry for the lengthy but I feel this is the only place to share such a story. 

Did I bring this on myself or is this my mind led me through because I needed it? 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I think you needed it!  Beautiful story!

[DWS]

15 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

it's been very tearful day. Again sorry for the lengthy but I feel this is the only place to share such a story. 

I don't know about everyone else here but I thoroughly enjoy hearing life stories of  love like yours. We all have them. Sharing and hearing them from others helps validate the love story that I've experienced. It's comforting and reassuring. 

[HisMunchkin]

Thank you for sharing your story, WithoutHer.  I too recently came across posts made by my husband on an online forum.  He only made small talk there, but it was a nice experience going through them.  He would mention that "we" were binge watching a  particular show but didn't find it interesting, etc.  And I thought, ya.  We were a we.  Now I have to remember to say "I".  

Anyway, it sounded like that was something that you needed to do, as bitter-sweet as it was.  How are you feeling now? 

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Thank you for sharing your story, WithoutHer.  I too recently came across posts made by my husband on an online forum.  He only made small talk there, but it was a nice experience going through them.  He would mention that "we" were binge watching a  particular show but didn't find it interesting, etc.  And I thought, ya.  We were a we.  Now I have to remember to say "I".  

Anyway, it sounded like that was something that you needed to do, as bitter-sweet as it was.  How are you feeling now? 

I still say ours and we. Vickie will always be with me. As for how I'm feeling? It's an on and off thing. I feel it somewhat warming that I now have a place I can visit a part of Vicky when she was here beside me and yet I also have amplified the sadness I have within. Today I'm back in that alone and numb place. The youngest of our 2 cats is keeping me company curled up sleeping on my legs just as she spent most of her time with Vickie. All of our pets have been tuned into my feelings since she passed. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I still say ours and we. Vickie will always be with me.

Even years later, I find myself saying we, us, or ours and often have to correct myself.

[WithoutHer]

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Even years later, I find myself saying we, us, or ours and often have to correct myself.

It's 13 months for me now but I don't think even I make it to 13 years, which I don't feel I will, we and ours I doubt will change. If anyone reacts to me oddly for that it's their problem not mine. I don't feel any need to correct it because she was and always will be the one of two who met and were meant to be together and that would be us 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

10 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I still say ours and we. Vickie will always be with me.

I am the same.  I refer to “our sons”, not my sons.  It just seems so right and natural and I don’t want to change anything.

[WithoutHer]

I think what's really going on with me is my mind and heart have reentered the denial stage. Monday is the 13th month which came to me while experiencing the story I wrote above. Like so many here have stated I'm having those feelings that she should be coming home soon. Alas the pain of reality sets in all over again. 😢

[foreverhis]

On 3/10/2024 at 12:25 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I am the same.  I refer to “our sons”, not my sons.  It just seems so right and natural and I don’t want to change anything.

Definitely it’s “our daughter” and “our granddaughter” because they are.

It took at least 3 years for my brain to accept that this is “my” house now (as in, the furnace needs repair and it’s now my responsibility to deal with it on my own), but the life we built together here will always be ours.

[DWS]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I think what's really going on with me is my mind and heart have reentered the denial stage. Monday is the 13th month which came to me while experiencing the story I wrote above. Like so many here have stated I'm having those feelings that she should be coming home soon. Alas the pain of reality sets in all over again. 😢

That type of back and forth is so emotionally challenging but I chalk it up to us living by the heart. There are certainly plenty of Scrooge-y types out there in society who vehemently discourage that way of being but honouring our heart's song is honouring love....and yeah, that does mess around with reality at times. So be it. That's the way love goes. This morning, I received a text from Tom's daughter that she and her family got home safely from their vacation down south. She told me that on the evening of her dad's birthday last week, she saw a shooting star which we both believed was a sign that he is watching over her. I felt an immediate overwhelming warmth inside and had a short cryfest because it confirmed to me that he's still around.

[KayC]

George had a grandbaby before he died, she's had a brother added into the mix long ago...I STILL think of them as "our grandchildren."  Even though he didn't know of the one.  He would love them and be so proud of them.  Just as he would my son's kids.

[Boggled]

On 2/9/2024 at 12:10 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Do you get pain in the chest too?  Like someone's squeezing it with a vice? 

Not like someone's squeezing it with a vice;  but SOMEthing is definitely happening with my heart, so I put both hands over it which seems to help, though I don't know why.

On 3/8/2024 at 7:40 PM, WithoutHer said:

Did I bring this on myself or is this my mind led me through because I needed it? 

This is a great mystery I THINK.  WHY do we go through these things?   I wonder but no answers, could be either ... psychological?  spiritual?  is our loved deceased somehow doing it with/to us?   neuronal pathways? - in other words, physical?   ???    vibrations/frequencies?   ????

[KayC]

Physical Reactions to Loss
Physical Grief Symptoms What's Your Grief
Physical manifestations of Grief and Cortisol's effects

[Marq]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

Not like someone's squeezing it with a vice;  but SOMEthing is definitely happening with my heart, so I put both hands over it which seems to help, though I don't know why.

This is a great mystery I THINK.  WHY do we go through these things?   I wonder but no answers, could be either ... psychological?  spiritual?  is our loved deceased somehow doing it with/to us?   neuronal pathways? - in other words, physical?   ???    vibrations/frequencies?   ????

I don’t feel a squeezing most of the time.  But rather a cold empty fullness, if that makes sense.  Today I just woke up to a sadness I once heard described as a quiet despair.  Homelessness, not for the future, but a future without my wonderful partner who has instead gone looking around the bend without me.

 I can’t imagine she is causing this pain.  I think if she could help me with it she would.   

[KayC]

 

18 minutes ago, Marq said:

 I can’t imagine she is causing this pain.  I think if she could help me with it she would.   

It's not something they do to us but rather a result of our grief.  

[HisMunchkin]

On 3/12/2024 at 10:47 AM, Marq said:

Today I just woke up to a sadness I once heard described as a quiet despair.

Since my husband's passing, I wake up just about everyday feeling anxious and dread having to "live" another day.  I feel as if I continue to exist and go through the motions to get through each day, but that I am no longer living, if that makes any sense. 

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Since my husband's passing, I wake up just about everyday feeling anxious and dread having to "live" another day.  I feel as if I continue to exist and go through the motions to get through each day, but that I am no longer living, if that makes any sense. 

It makes plenty of sense to me. I feel much the same every day. We have to push ourselves through each day and I don't know about you but I'm often dreading the next. It feels the same day in and out with little purpose. 

[LMR]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Since my husband's passing, I wake up just about everyday feeling anxious and dread having to "live" another day.  I feel as if I continue to exist and go through the motions to get through each day, but that I am no longer living, if that makes any sense. 

Absolutely. It makes perfect sense. I have to get out of bed quickly each morning before my brain starts thinking. Turn on the tv, watch something that I don't remember afterwards, anything to distract. I really didn't expect to still be around at this stage.

[LMR]

11 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

Only time I have a smile when I wake up & a bit of motivation is when I have a dream with my husband in it & that’s not that often.

Same here. The dreams are very few but those I've had he doesn't speak at all. The most recent one it was just me being somewhere and knowing he was outside waiting for me in the car. I knew he would happily be waiting however long I took and I was wondering when I woke up if that was him telling me. I'm waiting. I will be here. I like to think so.

[LMR]

1 hour ago, Sim7079 said:

That sounds like a nice dream, just having him in your dream I bet was special.

It was. I tried to hang onto it but as usual it just slipped away.

[WithoutHer]

Today has been another one of those days. The feeling of being alone is overwhelming. It's not just being alone it's that longing to be and speak with Vickie. Nothing I do can break these obsessive thoughts or the on and off tears. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have anyone to reach out and share these feelings with that I can have a live conversation with. I'm having that day I'm sure all of you have had. Just having someone to talk to in general isn't a solution for this. It's that giant hole in my life that's consuming me all over again. I come here to express it in hopes getting it out will help ease my mind a little just knowing I'm at least sharing with those who understand. I'm just lost and rambling but I have to let it out or I'll go crazy.

And I just realized it's Saturday which my subconscious equates to the day of the week I lost Vickie. 

[LMR]

14 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Today has been another one of those days. The feeling of being alone is overwhelming. It's not just being alone it's that longing to be and speak with Vickie. Nothing I do can break these obsessive thoughts or the on and off tears. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have anyone to reach out and share these feelings with that I can have a live conversation with. I'm having that day I'm sure all of you have had. Just having someone to talk to in general isn't a solution for this. It's that giant hole in my life that's consuming me all over again. I come here to express it in hopes getting it out will help ease my mind a little just knowing I'm at least sharing with those who understand. I'm just lost and rambling but I have to let it out or I'll go crazy.

And I just realized it's Saturday which my subconscious equates to the day of the week I lost Vickie. 

So sorry it is such a bad day. I don't have anyone to talk to about my loss either. Not person to person. I think it probably would help if I did. I too have that longing, I want to feel his hand in mine, where it belongs. The longing becomes all consuming and I have to fight off a panic attack.

My pain has not diminished even after more than three years. I am just more practiced at dealing with it. I will be getting lots more practice. It is my routine now, my new life, every day, just dealing with the pain minute by minute, hiding my feelings.

[WithoutHer]

@Sim7079@LMR Thank you both for the reply. The feedback helps a lot. The tsunami analogy definitely fits especially applying it to the flooding of almost uncontrollable inner emotions when they come. And I think for those of us that have no one to turn to for any spoken word the overwhelming feeling becomes even more intense. As for where I come out on the other side? The event itself becomes for me another part of and a memory to the whole experience.

[DWS]

On 3/16/2024 at 9:29 PM, WithoutHer said:

Just having someone to talk to in general isn't a solution for this. It's that giant hole in my life that's consuming me all over again.

Oh boy, do I get that. It was nice when I had my chats with my grief counselor but even with that, I realized that there was so much about me and my history that I just didn't have time to share with her. It would take a lifetime to tell someone...and Tom was the one who was in the midst of hearing it and learning more about it just as I was learning more about his. That's one of the key roles of good partners and spouses. Sadly, some people in life don't get that opportunity. Others blow it, find it too difficult and leave someone rather than stick around. And then there are the sweet ones that all of us here who have lost. They listened, acknowledged, asked questions, felt our emotions, and learned. 

[KayC]

We had that too, a lifetime of sharing squeezed into 6 1/2 years.  We met through writing letters, he had a hand injury so it'd take him two hours, me one.  I was still raising kids though so would do it during lunch break or after they went to bed.  We shared from our hearts.

[HisMunchkin]

On 3/16/2024 at 9:29 PM, WithoutHer said:

It's not just being alone it's that longing to be and speak with Vickie. Nothing I do can break these obsessive thoughts or the on and off tears.

I hear you... If you need to cry, let it all out.  Sometimes that helps.  You are not alone!  *Big Hugs* 💝  

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

Where are you, JonathanFive?  There hasn't been any activity from you in a week?  Hope you're just busy and keeping well. 💝

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Where are you, JonathanFive?  There hasn't been any activity from you in a week?  Hope you're just busy and keeping well. 💝

I'm still reading the board 🙂 

I have a medical issue, hopefully I am going to be ok.   LOL, we will see.   Grief kills???  I've gone moderately/severely anemic for some reason. Hopefully getting an appointment with a hematologist this week.   I have fantastic insurance through work, but ya know, "not so many hematologists around."  I'm either getting an appointment or winding up in the er sometime this week or next, "healthcare in America."

On top of that, I've been back at school.  Writing papers about compassion, and human dignity, wisdom, and worldview.  The brokenness vs the fingerprint. 

Work, school, trying to be healhty...   pretty much it.

I burn candles for baby every night.  I pray to God to watch over baby's soul every night.   I miss him.   I love him.   I don't feel I belong in heaven just yet.  Although, I suppose we'll see what the doctor says...

[HisMunchkin]

13 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I'm still reading the board 🙂 

I have a medical issue, hopefully I am going to be ok.   LOL, we will see.   Grief kills???  I've gone moderately/severely anemic for some reason. Hopefully getting an appointment with a hematologist this week.   I have fantastic insurance through work, but ya know, "not so many hematologists around."  I'm either getting an appointment or winding up in the er sometime this week or next, "healthcare in America."

On top of that, I've been back at school.  Writing papers about compassion, and human dignity, wisdom, and worldview.  The brokenness vs the fingerprint. 

Work, school, trying to be healhty...   pretty much it.

I burn candles for baby every night.  I pray to God to watch over baby's soul every night.   I miss him.   I love him.   I don't feel I belong in heaven just yet.  Although, I suppose we'll see what the doctor says...

Oh no!!...... 🥺  I hope it's nothing major.  What's your hemoglobin level?  Have you been eating well? 

Cool that you're back to school! 

Keep us posted, eh?  Are you feeling really tired? 

[JonathanFive]

59 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Oh no!!...... 🥺  I hope it's nothing major.  What's your hemoglobin level?  Have you been eating well? 

Cool that you're back to school! 

Keep us posted, eh?  Are you feeling really tired? 

Really sick.  It's 9, and its probably gotten worse since I tested it at quest last week.  I'm exhausted.  I've been eating . Something is definitely wrong, so we will see.

Assuming I live, in 2.75 years or so I should have my Phd...  or as I like to call it my "pfft."  LOL.    Really cool, sort of.  I've been researching loss ie grief.  My dissertation, if I'm around to write it, will be something on loss, compassion, and human dignity.

but as I've learned, or I guess we've all learned.   Today we were given, tomorrow is kind of a coin toss.  We might get it, we might not.

 

I asked if I needed to go to er btw, they said, "i should be ok till I see the doctor." they gave me a scrip for iron

 

[KayC]

Get the iron in you asap!  You don't want to land in the hospital!  I admire you for getting your Phd!    You have life to live, I know, not what you'd dreamed of, but you will find things you enjoy, little by little, one day at a time.  We all missed you, I'm just sorry to hear you're sick!

[JonathanFive]

Got the iron yesterday, took a pill.  Taking another @ 2pm today.   Its time release.   Trying to get my dr appoitnment this week

[HisMunchkin]

12 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Really sick.  It's 9, and its probably gotten worse since I tested it at quest last week.

That is quite low. 🥺  Since they gave you a prescription for iron, I take it your iron level was very low too?  That might be the culprit.  But then you'll have to figure out what's causing the low level of iron.....  Let me check with google....  O.K., are you pregnant, breastfeeding, or have heavy, long, or frequent menstrual cycles?... 

But seriously, I hope it's nothing complicated.  When is your appointment with the hematologist?

You will live on for many years beyond getting your pfft, dangit!!! 

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

You will live on for many years beyond getting your pfft, dangit!!! 

I hope so 🙂

The doctor is reviewing my blood tests and they will call me for the appointment.  I feel a lot better after just 1 iron pill.  Have some energy

[HisMunchkin]

23 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I hope so 🙂

The doctor is reviewing my blood tests and they will call me for the appointment.  I feel a lot better after just 1 iron pill.  Have some energy

Good to hear you're feeling a lot better after the iron supplement!  Keep us posted, eh?  *Big Hugs* to you! 💝

[KayC]

Glad for you!