Today it just seems to be an overwhelming sadness

[JonathanFive]

Woke this morning knowing I'd have to face another day without him.  Pushed myself out of bed, into a cup of coffee, and all day it just feels like this huge, heavy weight on me.  I can feel the heaviness.  I have this deep and intense longing and wishing for him, only to be realized in an overwhelming sadness.

We cannot change the circumstances by which we exist, we exist as human, that existence is finite.

[immortalgypsy]

4 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Woke this morning knowing I'd have to face another day without him.  Pushed myself out of bed, into a cup of coffee, and all day it just feels like this huge, heavy weight on me.  I can feel the heaviness.  I have this deep and intense longing and wishing for him, only to be realized in an overwhelming sadness.

We cannot change the circumstances by which we exist, we exist as human, that existence is finite.

I didn’t get out of bed yesterday at all. Sending you love 

[rlh]

15 minutes ago, immortalgypsy said:

I didn’t get out of bed yesterday at all. Sending you love 

This would have been me yesterday and today if not for my son. (I have spent an inordinate amount of time on the sofa with a blanket and pillow though). 

Virtual hugs to both you and JonathanFive.

[Boggled]

13 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

We cannot change the circumstances by which we exist, we exist as human, that existence is finite.

yes.

[DWS]

15 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

We cannot change the circumstances by which we exist, we exist as human, that existence is finite.

Unfortunately, that truth hurts...it hurts our heart. The mind might be all that's-just-the-way-things-are about it but the heart says "hold on...that's not the way it works...that's not how any of this works"!!

I like the heart. It gives life the spark that's needed to keep carrying on. I think it actually may be my mind that makes the grief journey more challenging. 

[JonathanFive]

9 minutes ago, DWS said:

Unfortunately, that truth hurts...it hurts our heart. The mind might be all that's-just-the-way-things-are about it but the heart says "hold on...that's not the way it works...that's not how any of this works"!!

I like the heart. It gives life the spark that's needed to keep carrying on. I think it actually may be my mind that makes the grief journey more challenging. 

❤️❤️❤️

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, DWS said:

Unfortunately, that truth hurts...it hurts our heart. The mind might be all that's-just-the-way-things-are about it but the heart says "hold on...that's not the way it works...that's not how any of this works"!!

I like the heart. It gives life the spark that's needed to keep carrying on. I think it actually may be my mind that makes the grief journey more challenging. 

I saved this from somewhere, but I can't remember where.  It could very well have been in a post here, but my memory often remains foggy.

 

Blessing for the Brokenhearted by Jan Richardson

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
– Henry David Thoreau

Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.

Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.

Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—

as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,

as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,

as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.
 

[Narnia68]

I can totally relate to you. Most days the grief and despair have been so overwhelming, all I do is stay in bed or under the covers on the couch seeking comfort and warmth. The sorrow is so heavy and hard to bear.

[JonathanFive]

On 1/15/2024 at 2:45 PM, Narnia68 said:

The sorrow is so heavy and hard to bear.

Just out of no-where, I totally had an axiety attack about 10 mintues ago.   Really had to calm myself down.

Take it slow - somedays are easier than others for sure.

[HisMunchkin]

30 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Just out of no-where, I totally had an axiety attack about 10 mintues ago.   Really had to calm myself down.

Take it slow - somedays are easier than others for sure.

I've been getting anxiety attacks too.  Remember what you told me - breeeeeeeeeathe slowwww........  I try to imagine blowing out the anxiety.  Meditate on it.  Watch it come and then go.  *big hugs* to you.  You are not alone! 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Just out of no-where, I totally had an axiety attack about 10 mintues ago. 

My husband died in 2005, I had high anxiety having been diagnosed GAD (all my life) but this was epic proportions!  I felt this was situational and would abate...it didn't.  It made it hard to sleep at night.  I researched it and felt the safest one that wouldn't alter my brain was Buspirone so I printed out the info and took it to my doctor, that was in 2008.  I've been on it ever since, unapologetically.

[JonathanFive]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I've been getting anxiety attacks too.  Remember what you told me - breeeeeeeeeathe slowwww........  I try to imagine blowing out the anxiety.  Meditate on it.  Watch it come and then go.  *big hugs* to you.  You are not alone! 

Yes, that's true, exactly how I stopped panicing.   Slowly breathing prana yama, and telling myself, "let it go, nothing is permanent."

Still, I miss him terribly.  I'm sure you miss your love terribly as well.  🙂  soldiering on together!

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

My husband died in 2005, I had high anxiety having been diagnosed GAD (all my life) but this was epic proportions!  I felt this was situational and would abate...it didn't.  It made it hard to sleep at night.  I researched it and felt the safest one that wouldn't alter my brain was Buspirone so I printed out the info and took it to my doctor, that was in 2008.  I've been on it ever since, unapologetically.

You know, I wonder if I might have and/or had GAD.  The morning anxiety that I feel every morning since my husband's passing felt familiar.  I had similar feelings in middle school.  I wonder if it's a hormone thing.  Puberty back then, and now menopause.  I take a propranolol when the anxiety gets way too much for me to handle.

 

25 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Still, I miss him terribly.  I'm sure you miss your love terribly as well.  🙂  soldiering on together!

Ya I do.  And yes, soldiering on together!! 💪💪💕

[KayC]

14 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I wonder if I might have and/or had GAD

GAD seems tobe a trait you're born with, I had it as a child, I just thought that was normal.  But grief brought it to a new level.  As long as Buspirone (Buspar) kept it manageable and just took the edge off, I was okay with it.  I take a sleeping pill also (lowest dose Trazodone) and will likely continue to do so the rest of my life. I never had trouble going to sleep, it's STAYING asleep!  I need my sleep, have tried everything else first.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/20/2024 at 8:42 AM, KayC said:

GAD seems tobe a trait you're born with, I had it as a child, I just thought that was normal.  But grief brought it to a new level.  As long as Buspirone (Buspar) kept it manageable and just took the edge off, I was okay with it.  I take a sleeping pill also (lowest dose Trazodone) and will likely continue to do so the rest of my life. I never had trouble going to sleep, it's STAYING asleep!  I need my sleep, have tried everything else first.

It takes me hours to finally fall asleep but I still wake up early sometimes mid morning., I don’t understand this.  Just wish that the sleep aid I’m taking would let me fall asleep quicker rather than me toss and turn for hours until I finally fall asleep. 

[JonathanFive]

Today also, I am just in deep sadness.  His birthday is coming up on the 15th of febuary.   

 

[KayC]

I'm sorry, Jonathan, those are hard.  Have you thought about what you'll do?  Maybe do something in his honor, fix his favorite meal or go out to a restaurant in his honor...
Birthday of loved one

[JonathanFive]

36 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry, Jonathan, those are hard.  Have you thought about what you'll do?  Maybe do something in his honor, fix his favorite meal or go out to a restaurant in his honor...
Birthday of loved one

I can't go out to a restaurant without him yet.  His favorite food was latin/mexican I can't eat it without him yet.

Sometime the week fo the 12th, I will purchase a silver fingerprint keepsake and a chain, and that's all.  I will wear it for both of us. Maybe, I will turn on the tv, and be able to watch a Rick and Morty episode, but I doubt it.    I think I'll likely, "call out sick," from my current crappy job, and just cry all day

[KayC]

It is so soon.  I hated having Georges birthday just five days before his death day and then Father's Day on top of that (he died on the 19th, Father's Day, so most years it was on a different day and I got double whammied...always alone to face it).  I'm sorry.

[7779311]

Yeah, me too. My husband passed on 12/18; of course, Christmas is 12/25; and his birthday is 12/29. So I get it.

[KayC]

Wow, that is tough, really tough.  I'm so sorry.

[Marq]

On 1/7/2024 at 4:29 PM, immortalgypsy said:

I didn’t get out of bed yesterday at all. Sending you love 

I want to stay in bed.  My wife passed thursday.  48 years old.  i want to stay in bed.  i wan to drink.  i want to be done.  i got up for my kids.  thats the only reaason im up right now.  im getting up tomorrow for them tomorrow. 

[KayC]

Alcohol is a depressant, not what you need, I don't blame you for wanting to though.  Yes, do keep going for your kids.  Important to take care of yourself so you can feel the best you can, we all need that help.  

Welcome, I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps, you're not alone in this.

I am so sorry you lost your wif e, and for all you are going through.  My husband has been gone nearly 19 years, he'd just turned 51 five days before he died, on Father's Day 2005.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

31 minutes ago, Marq said:

I want to stay in bed.  My wife passed thursday.  48 years old.  i want to stay in bed.  i wan to drink.  i want to be done.  i got up for my kids.  thats the only reaason im up right now.  im getting up tomorrow for them tomorrow. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having kids in some ways definitely makes it harder, because you're a single parent now...but they can also be your saving grace. You have to keep going for their sake. As Kay said above, take it a day at a time. A cliche, yes, but one to take heed of IMO. I hope this site can help in some way. We've been there so we "get it" like no one who hasn't been there can. 

[rlh]

40 minutes ago, Marq said:

I want to stay in bed.  My wife passed thursday.  48 years old.  i want to stay in bed.  i wan to drink.  i want to be done.  i got up for my kids.  thats the only reaason im up right now.  im getting up tomorrow for them tomorrow. 

I'm sorry you have reason to join us here but am glad you found this site. It's been 6 weeks for me and the site has been helpful. My husband was only 45 and like you, my son is the only reason I can push on right now. It's hard, and I'm just barely functioning, but I'm doing as much as I can right now and just hoping it's enough until I can do better.

[7779311]

And if one day is too overwhelming, take it hourly.

[Narnia68]

Marq, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in November and am struggling to get up each day. This forum has been helpful. I hope you find hope here, too. You are not alone.

[Griefsucks810]

19 hours ago, 7779311 said:

Yeah, me too. My husband passed on 12/18; of course, Christmas is 12/25; and his birthday is 12/29. So I get it.

That’s a rough week and a half.  

[Marq]

I am just so angry right now.  Last night the police and paramedics were kind and I am so angry at them.  Being kind didn't help.  She's still dead.  I still had to tell our youngest she had died.  I still woke up without her.  People are being so kind, telling me how sorry they are. I am so angry at them.  Why was it my wife, my childfrens mother?  Why not one of them?  I don't want anyone to feel this.  I don't mean it like that.  I am just angry at the unfairness.  And I know fair has nothing to do with it.  But i don't care.  Not right now.  I am just angry and cold and hollow and the person I would talk to is the person that was taken. 

[KayC]

Anger is part of grief, most of us have gone through it.  Why?  I never got any answers to that.

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Marq said:

I want to stay in bed.  My wife passed thursday.  48 years old.  i want to stay in bed.  i wan to drink.  i want to be done.  i got up for my kids.  thats the only reaason im up right now.  im getting up tomorrow for them tomorrow. 

Hi Marq.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome to the board!  I wish the strength to hang in there and keep getting up for your kids.  Each of us here have gone through what you're going through.  Maybe not exactly, but we do understand.  You are not alone!  Please come back and share whatever you feel like sharing. 💝   

[DWS]

13 hours ago, Marq said:

I am just so angry right now.  Last night the police and paramedics were kind and I am so angry at them.  Being kind didn't help.  She's still dead.  I still had to tell our youngest she had died.  I still woke up without her.  People are being so kind, telling me how sorry they are. I am so angry at them.  Why was it my wife, my childfrens mother?  Why not one of them?  I don't want anyone to feel this.  I don't mean it like that.  I am just angry at the unfairness.  And I know fair has nothing to do with it.  But i don't care.  Not right now.  I am just angry and cold and hollow and the person I would talk to is the person that was taken. 

My heart truly goes out to you. Of course, you're angry...and likely everyone around you is angry too even though they're trying so hard not to show it. But right now, they can also start to face up to their sadness. That's not something you can do right now because this is just so raw for you. I've been there. All of us here have been there. You don't want to deal with this because this is not happening. Right now, this is stupid and confusing....and just can't be.

Be careful with yourself right now. That's all you need to do. Take moments to breathe calmly. Drink water. People around you care and love you. 

[HisMunchkin]

You know, I've seen quite a few people mention feeling anger here.  And my husband's mother also feels anger and resentment.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm the odd one.  I have felt a lot of pain, a lot of anxiety, a lot of sadness, frustration, stress, helplessness, hopelessness, etc.  But never anger.  Is that weird?  Is that not normal?   

[rlh]

3 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

You know, I've seen quite a few people mention feeling anger here.  And my husband's mother also feels anger and resentment.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm the odd one.  I have felt a lot of pain, a lot of anxiety, a lot of sadness, frustration, stress, helplessness, hopelessness, etc.  But never anger.  Is that weird?  Is that not normal?   

Whatever you feel is normal. Grief is VERY unique. Also keep in mind that the words we use to describe feelings are so subjective. What you call frustration, might be what I would call anger. 

[KayC]

26 minutes ago, rlh said:

Whatever you feel is normal. Grief is VERY unique. Also keep in mind that the words we use to describe feelings are so subjective. What you call frustration, might be what I would call anger. 

I couldn't have put it better myself!

[HisMunchkin]

30 minutes ago, rlh said:

Also keep in mind that the words we use to describe feelings are so subjective. What you call frustration, might be what I would call anger. 

That is true!

[JonathanFive]

I am definitely a little angry lol.   Baby passed, left me in a financial pickle, and this current job, "wow it sucks."  I totally just dated a task out for 30 days because, "doubt I'll be at this job in 30 days, and not my problem."

[HisMunchkin]

I'm having a hard time today too.  Life's stresses seem harder to bear without him by my side.  Anyone else feel that way?  The "baggage" of stressful events seemed much lighter when my husband was in my life.  Now everything seems more difficult to cope with.

[7779311]

Definitely. There's also something about being the only one available to take care of anything that needs it, especially the "little" things. After sharing a home & life for 24 years, you create a rhythm for navigating life that gets obliterated when one half of the team is suddenly gone. We always relied on one another to fill in the gaps for each other. Now it's just me and a bunch of gaps that feel like chasms. Sometimes I just look at the other side of the chasm & say, "Nope, not today."

[rlh]

Just now, HisMunchkin said:

I'm having a hard time today too.  Life's stresses seem harder to bear without him by my side.  Anyone else feel that way?  The "baggage" of stressful events seemed much lighter when my husband was in my life.  Now everything seems more difficult to cope with.

Yes. I'm a super anxious person even in calm times (but can sometimes be strangely calm in an emergency, like how I somehow managed to hold it together, ask questions, and take notes while my husband was in the hospital the week before he died.)

My husband was my anchor and a calming force for me (and yes I typed is and then went back to correct😭).

There are different repairs on the house that I have been stressed about needing to do. But he's always been able make me more rational about them (right now I feel like I need to do all the fixes). I also was super frugal with finances, even when we were financially okay. He finally got me to relax a bit about our finances in the past few years. I've returned to money panic and micromanaging my budget (though with the social security added to my salary, my available funds to meet the needs of two of us is close to what we had for 3 of us just a few years ago)

I have found, that a few things, while still harder for me to do without him, are easier than they would be for me before, like he's helping guide me, maybe? I've been able to be a bit more patient with our son (I think in part because at his bedside I promised I'd try to be more like him there). And when our basement got 2 inches of water in it the weekend after my husband's burial service, while I normally would have been panicked and near tears, I could practically hear him "it's just a bit of water, it's a New England basement" and I put on my rainboots, trudged through, opened the bulkhead and ran our waterbug to drain the basement.

[JonathanFive]

Yes, it is extremely stressful.  It's like, "I had somebody, and we were so intertwined we had our way of communicating with each other.  We had a, "private language," that the outside would not understand.  Our own language was a facet in our, "decision-making, and problem-solving."   Now that's gone. So all of life's problems are now on me.

But it's a lot of the same problems.  "life's geniune load of crap, how will I pay bills."  I just have to accept the fact, that I cannot bring him back to help me with them.

But the loss of communication is totally stressful.   After work today I took a super hot bath, totally just took another.  That's me just trying to relieve stress!!

I just noticed, at midnight tonight, my lover is gone 2 months 

 

[HisMunchkin]

4 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

We had a, "private language," that the outside would not understand.

I know exactly what you mean!  We had that too.  I miss it. 🥺

[HisMunchkin]

Oh and speaking of "private language", my husband's text messages are disappearing.  The only thing left are my messages to him on most of our previous conversations.  What a fitting metaphor of my new reality.  Talking to myself.  Him fading away.....     

[JonathanFive]

Just now, HisMunchkin said:

Oh and speaking of "private language", my husband's text messages are disappearing.  The only thing left are my messages to him on most of our previous conversations.  What a fitting metaphor of my new reality.  Talking to myself.  Him fading away.....     

Do you have an iPhone?   Can you not send all the texts to whatsapp, or back them up somehow?    What phone do you have?

[DWS]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Oh and speaking of "private language", my husband's text messages are disappearing.  The only thing left are my messages to him on most of our previous conversations.  What a fitting metaphor of my new reality.  Talking to myself.  Him fading away.....     

I wonder why you're seeing that happen. Hopefully, they are retrievable. The years of texts I had with my partner are precious to me so I searched for information about them. I learned that every message is embedded on the phone itself. They stay even when a sender's phone number has been cancelled. 

[Boggled]

On 2/6/2024 at 9:11 AM, HisMunchkin said:

You know, I've seen quite a few people mention feeling anger here.  And my husband's mother also feels anger and resentment.  I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm the odd one.  I have felt a lot of pain, a lot of anxiety, a lot of sadness, frustration, stress, helplessness, hopelessness, etc.  But never anger.  Is that weird?  Is that not normal?   

I'm the same way.  Except not anxiety and frustration.  In my case it's been HUGE "sorrow."  

[JonathanFive]

53 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I'm the same way.  Except not anxiety and frustration.  In my case it's been HUGE "sorrow."  

I can really empathize with this, "deep, intense, massive sorrow."  I feel that way, and if I had to guess, I would say that a more logical mind would move forward through the denial and bargaining more quickly into sorrow.

But of course, that's taking into account, "the 5 stages," and there's a lot of research lately that describes grief as more complex than that.

Anyways..  "this huge sorrow."   I can see this causing me some sort of heart attack or something in my 50s or early 60s.   - because I'm male...   I just can't understand how people can survive this kind of emotional trauma

Certain grief, certain people who pass away, when we loose them, it is a traumatizing, and life altering event

[KayC]

The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
There Are No "Stages" of Grief : The Original Afterlife Awareness Conference
Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die | Office for Science and Society - McGill University

[JonathanFive]

I'm still learning all this - actually, "5 stages is quite terrible."

Still, there are definitely, "components or modules, of grief.  I think, regardless of any stages, there might be denial, or anger, or bargaining, or resentment - and I think that ssorrow in particular could be very indicative of some form of acceptance. 

 

[KayC]

Of course you are!  Just wanted you to know, we're all unique in our grief, and the "Stages" was written for terminally ill, not grievers.  It's a wild misnomer.